Unstoppable
by xxlifeinwordsxx
Summary: What do you do when the one thing you've always wanted is to be loved, but your heart doesn't know how? Together Magnus and Alec teach each other the meaning of love and of acceptance in all forms. AU/AH.
1. Unbearable

Unbearable

Chapter 1

**Copyright: I do not own the characters or the Mortal Instruments, that belongs to Cassandra Clare. All original ideas and concepts belong to me.**

First off I would like to apologize for the long note that is to follow, but I feel there are some important things I must address. This story will be a love story between Alec and Magnus set in AU, also meaning it will be OOC. I will try to remain as true to the original story and characters as I can but there is only so much I can do. There will be romance, angst, and other more touchy matters. If you have any problems with pain, loss, abuse, etc... I warn you now that I will touch on those sensitive matters. They will involve Magnus as I have changed his canon story to an AU story. The fanfic will also include a physical relatioship between Alec and Magnus, (lemons and fluff) so if you are uncomfortable with reading such content, again I warn you.

Now I would like to touch on my updating. I have made it my resolution to try (keyword: try) to update quicker than I tend to. I will attempt an update every week but don't be surprised if I update in two or three weeks. I will try, but I will not guarantee anything as my life gets extremely busy sometimes and the creative juices just don't flow. Now to take a quote from Cassandra Clare's advice page, I will attempt to exercise BICHOK (Butt in chair. Hands on keyboard). We'll see how that works. I will try to tell you if an update is going to take some time so you're aware ahead of time. Also, I am going to apologize ahead of time too.

Finally I would just like to say thank-you for reading and I hope you enjoy. Also, please, please, please review. Reviews are one of the banes of my writing existence and good or bad, they're worth the same. I think any writer, here or elsewhere can atone for what I'm saying, so please review.

Thank-you.

Chapter Songs:

I've Just Seen a Face-Across The Universe

I only have one for now but I have a lot of songs planned for coming chapters.

* * *

"Careful Izzy, you could break something."

Isabelle glared up at her brother from between the strands of her black hair. "Hey, if you want to take all the boxes up here yourself, that's fine with me. I'm sorry for trying to be a good sister." Isabelle straightened, putting a hand on the small of her back as she cracked it. The soothing feeling spread through her spine as she placed her hands on her hips. She turned around to look at her brother who stood-almost lost-within the many boxes that were scattered on the dormitory floor.

Today was moving day.

And Alec had chosen the hottest day on record.

Isabelle had sat scrunched between Jace, Max and Alec for four hours, with the AC cranked and the most boring landscape passing by. It was like reliving a nightmare where she had nothing to wear but a t-shirt and jeans. All Isabelle could say was that she was really looking forward to a nice dip in the pool that would bring her temperature down twenty degrees.

"Izzy, I didn't…" Alec paused as Jace's voice penetrated the room.

"Thanks sweetheart. And don't worry, I'll call you." Jace turned into the room, a box in his hands and a loose paper floating on top. A cocky grin was spread across his face which only got bigger when he saw Alec and Isabelle. "Well, don't stop for my expense. I know my god-like good looks can be too much to handle, but really guys, you're family. That's a little disgusting."

Alec and Isabelle both scowled, having gotten used to Jace's comments. Isabelle hit him in the shoulder as she left the room to grab another box from the car.

"Ow, that hurt." Jace looked offended as he put the box down at his feet, shoving the girl's number into his pocket. He straightened, meeting his brother's gaze. "Nervous?"

Alec looked up at Jace, barely registering his words. His mind kept wondering. It wasn't really to any place in particular, but it was somewhere. He was nervous, more nervous than he thought he ever could be. Coming to Idris Institute had been a decision he had made so that he could break away from home and start his own life, but there was still the dark feeling inside of him that ate him up at the aspect of leaving home. He knew it was childish to still hold on to home like he did but his family had always been really important to him. He loved them more than he loved anything else. The thought of starting over with new people, so far away from home was daunting. He'd never had to start over somewhere and because of that he didn't really know how.

Alec met Jace's gaze, his gut clenching. It clenched for two reasons. Reason number 1: the thought of not having Jace's sarcasm and negative attitude keep him grounded. Reason number 2: not having his golden eyes to look at every day, to reassure him that it wasn't so bad to have woken up that morning. He knew it was wrong to think of Jace that way, since he was practically his brother, but he still did. He still looked at him as he should look at a woman, and it pained him every day, every second to think that he felt that way. He hated himself for it, and in a way leaving home was one of his ways of trying to purge those emotions from his heart. If he wasn't near Jace, he couldn't look at him like he did.

Alec tore his gaze away, forcing himself to look down at his hands which were playing sub-consciously at one of the holes in his shirt. He always did that when he was nervous. Alec heard Jace's shoes against the floor as he crossed over to him in quick calculated steps. A shadow loomed over Alec as Jace stood in front of him.

"You know bro, you're going to have to lose those clothes because you will never score any chicks dressed like that."

Alec's gut clenched once again. If only Jace knew.

Alec looked up at Jace, his eyes level with his. His dark blue met Jace's gold and a smile tugged at Alec's lips.

A grin broke out on Jace's face. "See, I knew you could smile. You just needed to exercise those muscles like the rest of humanity. But no, seriously. Are you going to lose the boring, drab clothes that are two sizes too big?"

Alec groaned. "I told you five years ago I wouldn't as I'm telling you now. I like them."

"Well, whatever suits your fancy. But don't hate me if you remain a virgin for the rest of your pathetic existence."

"You're a complete ass, you know that?"

"I pride myself on it." Jace grinned as he turned to explore the room. Seconds passed between them as Jace maneuvered his way around the dozen boxes. Jace stopped, turning to look at Alec. "So, who's your roomie? Any idea?"

"Nope."

"I bet he's got an obsession with feet, and he's really touchy feely." Jace met his gaze with Alec's, his eyes burning into Alec's. His voice got low as he spoke. "He's also addicted to Cheetos and only showers once a week." Jace started walking towards him. "He calls his mom every hour and he's a got pet Tarantula named Fluffy."

"Fluffy?" Alec cocked an eyebrow at Jace as Jace came to stand in front of him.

"I'm not that creative, give me a break." Jace grinned. "But I bet you it's true. And with your dreadful luck, he'll probably be worse."

"How did you know he's not just a normal guy who's just here to get a degree in Physics?"

"Again, with your dreadful luck?" Jace raised an eyebrow at Alec as he smirked.

Alec hit him on the shoulder, contacting in the same place Isabelle had minutes earlier.

"Jesus Christ, what is the problem with you and your sister?" Jace went to continue but paused when Alec hit him again, this time in the other shoulder. Jace looked at Alec who was set in the fighting stance that they had adapted over the years. "Oh, I don' think so." Jace grinned to himself before adopting the same stance as Alec.

The two locked eyes and then went for it. Blows were given back and forth. Jace received a nice hit to the jaw while Alec got a good one to the gut. Before long they were on the ground, simply wrestling.

They stopped when they heard an exasperated sigh from the doorway. "Really boys? I can't believe I call you Neanderthals family." Isabelle dropped the box at her feet, crossing her arms over her chest.

Jace looked from Isabelle to Alec who was underneath him. He stood up, throwing out a hand for Alec to grab hold of. Alec grabbed Jace's hand, feeling a small shock rush through his body. Alec got to his feet, brushing off the butt of his jeans as he did. He would miss fighting with Jace. It was his way of having fun while also letting out all his pent up anger on Jace. And Alec had to say, Jace didn't hold back on the anger exertion either. He could already feel the bruised forming on his ribs.

"Mom and Dad said to come down as soon as you can. They said we've got to go soon or we'll hit rush hour." Isabelle glanced from one brother to the other before turning to leave, her hair cascading around her as she exited. A geeky freshman stopped in his tracks as she exited, his eyes nearly falling out of his head as Isabelle walked by. Jace and Alec just had to laugh to themselves. Surprise, surprise that Isabelle would catch the eye of even the geekiest boy on campus.

Jace looked at Alec before following Isabelle out the door. Alec looked around him before following.

Alec exited Harrison Hall shortly after Jace and Isabelle, catching his parents and Max standing across the quad near the visitor's parking lot. Maryse smiled up at her son as Alec ascended the steps. He could almost swear that he saw tears forming in her eyes, but Maryse never cried. Ever.

Alec stopped in front of his parents, gasping as his father took him into a suffocating hug. Alec brought his hands up a little belated, surprised at the suddenness of his father's movements. Robert let him go slowly, slapping him on the back softly as he looked down at his son. "Good luck son. We know you'll do great."

"Thanks Dad." Alec looked at his mother from the corner of his eye, waiting for another one of the hugs his parents weren't necessarily famous for. And then it came. Alec breathed in sharply as her arms folded around him. She pulled him to her, holding him like he was her most prized possession. He thought he felt a cold wetness seep through his sweater, but it appeared just as quickly as it was gone. Maryse, pulled away, looking up at Alec. She took his face in her hands, holding it softly. "I love you Alec and I'll miss you. But I know that you will do absolutely amazing things here."

"Thanks Mom." It was almost mechanic. He had heard the same thing from his parents over the summer about a hundred times and it had become a little redundant. But still, he knew they meant it with the most sincerity.

"Don't let anyone get in the way of your dreams and you just be the man that I know you are."

"I will Mom." _I'll try to be the man you think I am._

She smiled, laying a soft kiss on his cheek before pulling away. "We'll see you at Thanksgiving Alec." She looked to her other children. "Meet us at the car when you're ready." And with that, she took her husband's hand and led them away in the direction of the parking lot.

Alec turned to look at his siblings, first glancing down at Max who was looking less than his normal self.

"You'll come back home, right Alec?" The sadness in his eyes broke Alec's heart.

Alec leaned down, sitting on his heels. "Of course I will Max. I'll miss you too much." Alec tickled under Max's chin as Max squirmed away from him.

Max threw his arms around Alec's neck, holding him so hard Alec thought he'd have permanent indentations of Max's arms. Finally, Max's arms loosened and without another look at Alec he was gone, running to the parking lot to meet his parents.

Alec stood up, looking at Isabelle and Jace. Jace was his typical nonchalant self while Isabelle appeared to be conflicted about something.

"I'd say I'll miss you, but in all honesty I won't." A grin played at Jace's features as he slapped Alec on the back. "Good luck bro. And seriously, I meant it when I said lose the clothes." Jace laughed, pulling away before Alec could hit him. Instead he ran right into the one Isabelle had aimed at him. "Come on guys, you're going to kill me."

"Can't say that would be a bad thing," Isabelle smirked, looking at Alec. They met eyes for a few moments before Isabelle through her arms around her brother's neck.

"Iz, you got to let go a bit. With all this hugging I'll die from being smothered to death."

"Now, I can't say that would be a bad thing," Jace smirked but both Isabelle and Alec ignored him.

Isabelle let her brother go slowly looking up to meet his gaze. "Find yourself someone Alec, I'm tired of watching you mope around alone." She took a few steps backwards and left, leaving Jace and Alec alone.

"She's right, you know. You got to lose the moping."

"I do not mope."

Jace raised an eyebrow at Alec as Alec let out an exasperated breath, defeated. "Just go. I'm tired of seeing your ugly mug."

"My ugly mug?" Jace put a hand on his chest offended. "Oh, bro, you need to find yourself a mirror, and fast."

"Screw off."

"Well, I'll screw her, but I don't really want to screw off." Alec followed where Jace had pointed his eyes falling on a petite blonde with the blue eyes and perfect curves that Jace found 'absolutely divine'. Alec could see her looking over at them and she knew it was definitely not to look at him. And he was definitely not looking at her.

Behind her, his back against the trunk of a tree was a man who stood out amongst the people around him. His jet black hair was spiked haphazardly on his head and Alec could almost bet that it was glittering in the sunlight. He could say though that his pants glittered, and so too it seemed did his skin. He couldn't make out his profile but the side of his face was angular-his nose flat and long, his cheekbones high and soft. His thin figure was hunched over a sketchbook, his hand darting listlessly across the pad. He was completely observed within his work, not even the energetic motions of the friends around him catching his attention. Alec couldn't see his eyes, but he was captivated. He wanted to know the man who sat there. He wanted to see him head on and he wanted to know his name.

"Alec! Hey, earth to Alec."

Alec spun around, Jace's face appearing in front of him. Jace looked confused and clearly agitated at trying to get Alec's attention.

"No offence dude, but you couldn't score her if you tried."

"Thanks for the reassurance." Alec took one last look over his shoulder at the man by the tree, but he was still drawing, his face draped in shadow. Alec turned back to Jace.

"That's what I'm here for."

"Jace, would you hurry your ass up?" Isabelle's voice could be heard from the parking lot as she looked at Jace impatiently.

"You can wait."

Alec thought he could see her lips form 'He's such an ass' and rather he was right, he knew she was at least thinking it.

Jace turned back to look at Alec. "Make sure you call every week, I want to know everything that's going on." The sarcasm was lidded in his words.

"Oh, don't worry. I'll make sure I tell you everything."

Seconds passed between them before Jace spoke again. "See ya Alec." And with that he hit him on the shoulder and walked away. Alec watched as Jace joined his family and a pang of sadness overtook him. He would miss them more than he would ever let on.

Alec through himself down on his bed, the springs bouncing him up and down for a few moments. He was exhausted, both physically and emotionally. He had spent the last hour and a half unpacking his many boxes and now they all sat in a jumble in the corner, waiting to be recycled.

He had attacked the unpacking vigorously, hoping the exertion would help him forget about the man he saw in the courtyard. But it worked to no avail. Alec felt drawn to the mysterious man, intrigued to know about him. It couldn't decipher why but it was this small pull in his chest, like a string wrung too tight.

Obviously the guy had a girlfriend, as could be seen from the blonde girl whose hands kept caressing the man's biceps, but still Alec was captivated. He kept telling himself to forget it because it was wrong. He shouldn't be thinking that way about him, he didn't even know his name. It was bad enough he looked at Jace that way, but now this guy. _What's wrong with me? _He thought. He didn't want to think that way. He didn't want his heart to yearn for the male gender. He just wanted to hook up with some chick like Jace did so easily. He wanted to feel something for her, feel intrigued by her. But he couldn't. He'd tried, and he couldn't.

Alec had tried to come to terms with who he was but it was getting harder every day. Every time someone looked at him he thought they knew and they were judging him. He felt like the whole world was bearing down on him and there was no escape. He kept looking for a door-a way out, but he couldn't find any. He knew this was who he was, but he scared of how people would view him.

Alec sighed, letting the air caress his lips. He closed his eyes, the darkness enveloping him. But within that darkness, behind his eyelids was the glittering man. This time Alec didn't have feelings of trying to forget about him. This time he just let the image of him engulf him as the darkness did. It was easier that way, just letting it be.

And it was then that Alec fell asleep, the man's image imprinted in his mind.

* * *

Thank-you for reading and I hope you liked it. Please review as it would be greatly appreciated.


	2. Undecided

Chapter 2

Undecided

***Copyright: I do not own the characters or the Mortal Instruments, that belongs to Cassandra Clare. All original ideas and concepts belong to me.**

Hi there! I would like to thank everyone who took the time to review my first chapter. The feedback was amazing and you guys made me feel really good. I hope you will all like this chapter too. It's a little shorter but it finally has Magnus. Enjoy!

Songs:

Stranger-Thriving Ivory

What's Your Name-Jesse McCartney (Alec to Magnus)

* * *

Alec sat on the ground, his back against the same tree he had seen the man at the day before. The sun beat down at Alec, warming his skin but making the feelings he had burn brighter. He hadn't purposely gone to sit by the tree, but it had simply happened subconsciously. He couldn't stop thinking about him which was ridiculous since he didn't even know him. Besides, it was clear he wouldn't reciprocate the feelings anyway.

Alec had tried to spend the last hour scoping out the girls at the Institute as Jace would have done, but it didn't seem to work. He didn't feel the same twinge within his stomach with any of them the way he had with the nameless man. Alec had even had a few girls look at him and try to talk to him, and Alec had tried to show interest but it was as impossible as Jace going a week without a new girl. It just didn't happen.

Alec heard crunching footsteps behind him and he could feel his heart rise in his chest. The crunching stopped as the person moved to sit down against the tree. Alec had a feeling he knew who it was, but then again that could simply be wishful thinking. He heard papers rustle and the quiet scratching of charcoal on paper. It was then that he realized it wasn't wishful thinking. Alec's breath caught in his throat and he knew he was being ridiculous. You'd think he was a 13 year old girl with her first crush on the new guy at school. It was pathetic. _I'm pathetic. _

Seconds passed and Alec could concentrate on nothing but the scratching and tapping of the pencil. It was soothing, the way it moved in unmeasured strokes with different rhythms from the pressure. The noise seemed to encompass Alec and coupled with the shallow breathing of the drawer, Alec was lost.

Then he heard the small shuffling of footsteps approaching and he was found again. He looked over to the source of the sound, seeing the same girl he had seen with the man the day before. She had wavy blonde hair which Alec was sure she had organized around her shoulders for a certain effect, and she had blinding green eyes that captivated even Alec. She was tall and thin, her curves exactly as Jace would have liked them. She carried herself with dignity, her head held high and her demeanor exactly that of someone who thought they were all that and a bag of potato chips.

"Hey baby." Her lips were curved seductively as she sat down next to the nameless man. She placed an arm around his shoulder while the other slowly pulled his pencil away from the paper and closed the book. She pulled it off of his knees, setting it gently on the ground as she turned to her boyfriend.

Alec listened as her lips met his and his hand slid up her arm. The kiss broke apart but they still remained close.

"I've been looking for you all over. Why didn't you tell me you'd be at this tree?" Her voice had a melodic ring to it and it had a slight hint of a British accent.

"I did tell you I would be, but again you weren't listening." His voice made Alec's voice catch. It was low and rough, yet it had a softness and eccentricity to it. He too had an accent, one Alec was familiar with. The man was from Brooklyn.

"I was listening, but whatever." She said it to push away the subject. "I remembered what I wanted to talk to you about this morning."

"And that was?" His answer was slightly annoyed.

Alec had a feeling the woman rolled her eyes at his comment, also annoyed. "Why have you been like this?"

"Like what?" His tone was almost bored.

She scowled. "Like a complete ass."

"Well, that hurt my feelings." The sarcasm in his comments amused Alec. Clearly they weren't the closest couple. Alec figured they had been one of those couples that dated in high school and went on to University together. He never really did understand it. But then again, he was getting the impression the guy wasn't too happy about it.

"I don't care. Look, Magnus, we need to talk." Magnus. So that was his name. The feeling rushing through Alec of knowing his name was refreshing. It was the worst thing to think about someone the way he did when you didn't even know their name.

"I'm all ears Camille."

Camille let out an exasperated breath. "Your cat needs to go."

"I'm sorry, what?"

"I said, Chairman Meow needs to go."

"Yeah I know, I heard you the first time." Magnus scowled. "He's not going anywhere."

"I'm not kidding."

"Me neither. He's not going anywhere. He's my cat and he's all I've got."

"You've got me."

"Aren't I just the luckiest guy alive." Again, sarcasm lidded his voice, but Alec had the impression Camille didn't really get the concept.

"I'd say you are." She paused. "And I will be the luckiest girl alive once that cat's gone."

"The cat's not going. Besides, you've given me no viable reasons why he should go."

"Um, first off he sheds all over my clothes, he stinks up the apartment, and he sits on my shoes."

"I said viable. Those are petty ridiculous reasons."

"God, do you care about a single thing I have to say?"

"Sometimes."

Camille scowled as she stood up quickly. "You should be thankful to have me Magnus Bane. I can give you everything you want."

"Not everything." It was spoken under his breath and only Alec heard the words leave his lips.

"I'm just going to put this down as a side effect to the new meds and pray that tonight when you get home you won't be so much of a pompous prick."

"Ok, now we're just getting personal." But with that she turned on her heel and left. Alec watched her walk across the quad and disappear in the direction of the parking lot. He had to say, he wasn't disappointed to not have to hear her voice anymore. It was a little obnoxious.

Alec felt extremely uncomfortable for having witnessed the little exchange with the couple. It was one of those 'wrong time, wrong place' sort of scenarios and Alec was cursing his luck for it. He hadn't expected that to happen, and especially over a cat. In Alec's opinion Camille was just a little over dramatic, which judging by Magnus' behaviour, Alec wasn't the only one who thought so.

"Sorry about that. My girlfriend can be a little over dramatic." Magnus shifted.

Magnus' voice caught Alec off guard and it took him a second to register it was directed at him.

"No problem." Alec blushed slightly at the sound of Magnus' voice speaking to him. He turned his head to see that Magnus had moved so that they could see each other. Magnus was even more dazzling up close. He had on a dark vest over a black shirt, with dark jeans that shimmered in the light. A scarf hung from his neck, this one lined with a shimmering rainbow thread, and unlike yesterday, his hair was purely black. Up close it was like looking into a bottomless pit. So dark, yet so beautiful.

And then there were his eyes. They were an unimaginable golden green colour that reminded Alec- funny enough-of a cat. They were hypnotizing and piercing, lined in a charcoal black. Alec found himself lost within them, tracing the lines between the gold and the green. It seemed like hours that he searched, exploring each and every corner of them, and it was when Magnus blinked that Alec's gaze shifted.

Magnus held out his hand, catching Alec off guard. "Name's Magnus. Magnus Bane."

Alec took his hand in his, a sharp sensation filling Alec's being. Magnus' skin was both hard and soft, his bones that of an artist. An electric spark flared through him, originating from the contact with Magnus' skin. He tried to shake the feeling but found it wasn't a possibility.

"Alec Lightwood."

"Nice to meet you Alec Lightwood." He smiled, showing off teeth so white Alec was slightly blinded. "And again, sorry about that."

"Really, it's not a problem. It happens."

"Yeah, it happens a lot." Magnus leaned his head back on the tree, letting out a sigh. "I will never really understand women."

"With you on that one." Alec knew perfectly well how complicated women could be, especially given that Isabelle was the Queen of that category.

"Why? You got a girlfriend?" The question caught Alec off guard. It wasn't really the manner of the question, since it made perfect sense, but more the truth behind it.

"No. I got a sister." Alec thought he saw a grin cross Magnus' face when he answered, but Alec put it off to his overactive imagination.

"Ah, I see." Seconds passed between them silently. They weren't the kind of uncomfortable seconds that occur when there's nothing to say in a conversation, but they were the comfortable seconds that simply meant a pause in the conversation.

Alec watched as Magnus picked up his sketchbook. He flipped it open to a gorgeous panorama of what appeared to be a northern valley flanked by mountains and a destructive lightning storm. A small house was situated right in the middle of the storm. There was sadness in the drawing. The lines were dark, manipulated with pain and suffering. The mountains were jagged, the water black. Despite the coldness of it there was hope, a light issuing from beneath the water. In sort of looked like a soul, wandering lost in a dark world where you can't grab the light but you can see it. It made Alec wonder where the pain in the drawing came from.

Magnus flipped the paper over, the mountains and the lightning disappearing like that. Magnus set the charcoal to paper again and began to sketch. Magnus didn't look like the person to be an artist, but yet Alec wasn't really surprised.

"So what are you here for?" His hand continued to move as he issued the question at Alec.

"History and English Lit. You?"

"Art and History." A grin flashed across Magnus' face as he formed the body of a person on the paper. Alec couldn't quite tell rather there was a tree forming behind the figure or not. "Thankfully Camille is sticking to Theatre."

Alec opened his mouth to ask a question but stopped himself before it came out.

"I know what you're thinking. Why the hell did we just fight over a cat? Well, that's a really interesting question and something I won't dump on you. But you put up with the shit and do what we do for love right?"

"So then you love her?"

Magnus laughed. "Oh, no. Loving Camille would be like trying to hug a porcupine. It just doesn't work." Alec stifled a laugh at the thought. "I like her about as much as I can, and I only said love because that saying just doesn't sound right if you say, 'We do what we do for like'." Magnus laughed, turning to look at Alec, his eyes piercing into Alec's. Magnus smiled as he stood up. "Which, speaking of the things we do, I should really go find her." Magnus ripped the piece of paper he had been drawing on from his sketchbook. "Here. An official Magnus Bane piece for when I become famous. Hold on to it and you'll be able to sell it for millions on E-Bay. Right now it's worth about 20 bucks." The amusement in his voice was penetrating as he passed the piece of paper off to Alec. "See you around?" He grinned at Alec as he met his gaze.

"Yeah."

"Good." Magnus winked before turning and walking away.

Alec flipped the paper over in his hands, his eyes meeting the dark lines. The picture was a quick sketch of Alec, his back against the tree and his face glancing off in the distance. Although quick, the sketch was extremely detailed, the etching in the bark and the grass done line by line. It was beautiful, but this time it wasn't filled with sadness and darkness, but it was filled with a sort of light. The light that was beneath the water.

Alec couldn't quite understand why Magnus had drawn him but he found he really appreciated the notion, and he was definitely keeping it. It made him curious about Magnus more than he was the day before. He wanted to know where that darkness came from and what was behind the amusement and sarcasm. Who was Magnus Bane?

* * *

So, I hope you liked it. It was short but it introduced Magnus and Camille to Alec. Now if you're wondering where Camille's from, she's Magnus' girl in Clockwork Angel (the new book). Also Magnus will become a bigger part in the next chapter and you will get to read into his head. Anyway please review, and be honest. I do hope you enjoyed it and will come back for the next chapter which will pick up at the first day of school.


	3. Undefined

Undefined-Chapter 3

Songs:

Still Breathing-Mayday Parade (Magnus)

My Last Goodbye-Trading Yesterday (Camille and Magnus)

* * *

Alec walked down the hallway of the history building, his heart fluttering in his chest, both from nervousness and anticipation. He felt both out of it, being his first day and the feelings he had hoping Magnus would have his class. He was on his way to a class on European History, and Alec only hoped that qualified under the history Magnus was taking. He knew it was absurd but he was really interested in Magnus. Alec had known his sexuality for some time but he had never felt the same pull Magnus had on him with any other guy. Well, except Jace. But the pull to him was different. Jace made him feel safe, made him forget the world. And with him, he was just there. Magnus wasn't. Magnus was intriguing, dangerous, and he was definitely not available. Although Alec didn't think his couple status would last longer, not that he was hoping or anything.

Alec turned the corner into his class, the lecture hall already full of about 150 students. He searched around for a seat, the movement of the students making it difficult. It was then that he saw Magnus waving down at him. Not that it would have been hard to spot him if he hadn't waved. Magnus was a walking billboard the way he was dressed. He had on rainbow pants and a black shirt that hugged his body. His hair was spiked and once again, it glittered like a five year old's fairy costume. Where some people might have found Magnus' style choices eccentric and weird, Alec found them intriguing. He found that they were like another part of Magnus, more than just his clothes, and that they fit him perfectly. Personally, Alec wouldn't even go near anything with glitter on it, but for Magnus it fit.

Alec ascended the stairs to where Magnus was sitting, taking the open seat next to him. "Hey, thanks."

"Don't mention it darling." Magnus winked at him when their professor walked in. The silence in the room was almost overwhelming as voices cut off and the last of the straggling students took their seats. The professor shuffled around at his desk before turning to look at the students. He was in his mid-40s, with graying hair, green eyes, and sharp features. His eyes searched the students for a few seconds before he crossed around his desk to stand in front of the class.

"Welcome to European History. If that's not what you signed up for, leave now." He looked around but no one proceeded to leave the class. "Good. My name's Professor Starkweather and make sure you don't forget it." He crossed the floor, his hands clasped in front of him. Alec watched his movements, not quite sure whether the professor cared to be there or not.

Alec continued to watch and listen as Professor Starkweather started his first lecture of the year. He started by talking about himself and his career as a teacher which Alec found little interest in. He found his focus slipping off to Magnus who sat leisurely beside him, his boot clad feet propped on the open seat in front of him.

Alec knew Jace would be laughing at the absurdity of it all and in truth, Alec was too. He didn't have a chance in hell with Magnus, and it was that simple. No more said.

The professor switched off to talk about the class syllabus, which Alec knew he had to listen to, so he tried his damndest to ignore Magnus next to him. He finished with a quick overview of the course and what would be covered and then 30 minutes later, he had finished speaking. Around him people had begun doodling on their notebooks, and a few appeared to be dozing off. The wonders of the first class of the first day of school.

It was then that Professor Starkweather switched his rant to history. Alec wouldn't say his voice was necessarily monotone, but it was dry and extremely boring. Alec only hoped that it would animate a bit when he began teaching. It didn't.

An hour later, class was dismissed and Alec was more than enthused to get out of there. He picked up his book bag, leaving the aisle, followed shortly by Magnus. Magnus fell in stride with Alec as they descended the stairway. Alec saw the eyes that followed Magnus, but he appeared oblivious to them all. They both left the classroom, leaving the large lecture hall behind.

"So, he's about as animated as a wax figure."

Alec laughed at Magnus' comment. "Come on, he tries."

Magnus's eyes darted to glare at him, and a grin flashed over his face. "Yeah, about as much as a shark tries not to eat people."

They both smiled, leaving the conversation there as they left the building into the cold September air.

"So, I'm off to Harrison. I'll see you around." Magnus winked a glittered eye as he swung around, leaving Alec rooted to the spot. He watched Magnus walk away, lost until someone ran in to him, knocking him sideways.

"Oh, sorry, didn't mean to interrupt your daydream about your boyfriend."

Alec looked up to see a guy about 6'3" walking down the sidewalk with a few friends. His head was turned towards Alec as he spoke, a grin on his face as he slapped hands with his friends.

A shot of pain went through Alec's being. The hatred in his voice was there, despite the joking manner of his comment, and Alec had never thought he could feel the way he did. He felt like the man had shattered him. No one knew about Alec, except maybe Isabelle, and to hear some stranger who didn't even know him, say what he did, well, it hurt. It was like a thousand knives cutting through his heart, destroying all the feelings of happiness he had inside him. He knew it shouldn't bother him because what did that guy know? Regardless of that fact, it still hurt. It killed every happy thing inside of him. It killed the marvel of the emotions he felt for Magnus and it proved what he had thought all along; no one would accept him for who he was. It was as simple as that.

Alec finally managed to dig himself out of the depressing hole the man had thrown in him, so that he could be on his way to his next class. He hurried to his English class, dejected and completely out of it. Comments like that were what he was afraid of. He was afraid of what he was because he was afraid of what the world would say. And here were all his fears coming true.

Alec rushed into the lecture hall just in time. Eyes fluttered over to him and in his mind he was thinking they were judging him, laughing at him. They all knew what he was and they hated him for it. But in the back of his mind he knew that wasn't the truth. They didn't know anything about him and he knew they were just looking at him because he was the last one there.

Alec searched the room, finding a free desk near the front. He hurried over, taking a seat next to the same girl Jace had been checking out the day before. Up close, Alec thought she was quite pretty and decided then that he'd keep this little tidbit of information away from Jace if he asked. Jace would simply offend his inability to attract the female gender for the umpteenth time.

Alec had little time to continue looking at her because the professor had cleared her throat and begun to talk. Once again, Alec sat through what felt like forever of talking, and again, he was distracted. The girl next to him kept taking notes as the professor spoke and he couldn't help but throw glances her way. He didn't know if the sudden attraction was an after affect of the pain he was feeling or if it was an actual attraction.

Finally, the class dismissed and Alec felt a wave of relief flow through him. He had to say, the first day of University was extremely boring. Alec moved slowly, packing up his notebook into his bag. He stood up and almost ran directly into the girl next to him as she stood too.

"Oh, sorry," Alec said softly, blushing as he moved out of the way so she could get by.  
She smiled. "It's alright." She maneuvered her bag onto her shoulder as she held out her hand. "I'm Anna."

Alec was slightly shocked by the gesture but was polite and, as expected, he did as he was raised to do, and took her hand. "Alec."

"It's nice to meet you Alec." She met his eyes, and Alec felt that attraction again. "See you tomorrow." She smiled and left, brushing against him slightly as she walked away.

For the second time that day, he watched someone walk away, but unlike the last time, no one made a comment.

Alec sighed as he left the hall, being one of the last to exit. His mind was all over the place, fighting against itself in his brain. His emotions were in a constant tug-of-war, and his heart was trying to figure out whether it wanted to be broken or semi-together as it normally was.

Alec had never really felt anything for anyone in a romantic way. He had never really felt physically attracted to anyone either. Both emotions he was feeling, and both were extremely overwhelming. He wasn't sure what to make of everything, and he wasn't even sure what to make of himself. Who was he? What was he? What was it that he felt towards Magnus? Why was he feeling an attraction to a female? It didn't make sense. Nothing did.

And it didn't help that when Alec left the building he had no idea where he was.

~~~ 

After finding his way back to his dorm, Alec lay on his bed, his mind numb and his soul tired. He had managed to find his way to all his classes without being late, and he had also managed to survive four classes of non-stop lecturing. By the time his fourth class, Shakespearean Literature, came around, Alec was exhausted and even zoned out a bit near the end. He knew things would be different once class picked up but for now, Alec felt about as animated as a wax figure. He hadn't seen Magnus or Anna for the rest of the day, and he was disappointed. He had hoped to have another class with Magnus, but instead got stuck sitting next to a guy slightly reminiscent of what Jace thought his roommate would be like, in third period.

Overall, his day had been lousy and now all he wanted to do was sleep. But sleep was ruled impossible when his cell was going off like the energizer bunny, on his desk. Alec had chosen to ignore it the first few times, figuring the person would get tired and give up, but no, they kept it up for another 10 times. 

Alec sat up on the fifteenth attempt, his head spinning. He stumbled out of the bed, over to his desk and picked up his phone. Surprise. It was Jace; the only person next to Isabelle who was persistent enough to call someone 15 times and text them 10 without reply. Clearly Jace either had nothing better to do or it was his vendetta to annoy the hell out of Alec. Alec was actually betting on both.

Sighing, he picked up his phone, hitting the talk button as he put it to his ear.

"Jace," Alec said as he slumped down in the desk chair.

"Don't sound so excited to hear me. This is an honour you know. I could be doing something else and not have even thought to take the time to call you." The humour in his voice was overwhelming.

"Whatever Jace. We both know you have nothing better to do."

"Ok, ok. What got stuck up your ass?"

"Nothing," Alec sighed, rubbing his temple. He just did not have the time or the mental capacity at that moment to deal with Jace.

"So, you're just PMSing all the time?"

"Typically, yeah." He wasn't in the mood to fight Jace otherwise he would have made a remark.

"So, how was your day?" he asked, as it was exactly what Jace wanted to hear.

"Clearly more entertaining than yours. I met a girl."

"How am I not surprised?" Jace always met a girl.

"No. I mean an honest to goodness girl with morals and everything. Nothing I did worked on her." He sounded defeated, but there was something more in his voice then just a feeling of self conservation. It almost sounded like Jace was disappointed nothing had worked because he wanted her for more than what he normally did. It almost sounded like he might like her.

"Finally! Someone who isn't in love with you Jace. How's your ego feeling?" Nothing had worked. Now Alec was surprised. Clearly this girl was special and Alec almost feared for her given how much Jace would try with her.

"Would you stop being such a dick? And why didn't you answer your phone? I called at least a dozen times."

"15 actually. But, I was sleeping. Unlike you I had to actually do something today." Alec spun in his chair, stopping when the window came into view.

"Right. University. How'd that fair for you Alec? Get your ass kicked?"

"Oh, shut up."

"Ah, you did didn't you?"

"No. I sat through hours of lectures, which if you want I can tell you all about them."

"No thanks, I'm good."

"So then tell me about the girl."

He heard Jace maneuver on his bed, clearing getting comfortable since he had a lot to say. "Her name's Clary. She's short, curly red hair, deep green eyes, and a stubborn nature worse than Isabelle's. She's new to the area and she was at the school when I went to run. We talked for a while and all the motions I normally do didn't work. I know she's not normally my type but there was something about her that made me feel something I've never felt before, you know?" Oh, yeah, Alec knew perfectly. "She's just different and she's got this smile that's just amazing."

"Really? Is Jace Wayland, the biggest player at Rosewood High actually feeling something emotional for a girl?"

"Shut up." Defeat could be heard in his voice. "I don't know man. I just want to know more about her. I want to know what her favourite food is, what her favourite song is. I just want to know her. I think maybe I'm done going from girl to girl. It's a new year and maybe it's time Jace Wayland turned over a new leaf," Jace paused, and Alec wasn't sure if he was contemplating the possibility or the absurdity of his words. Alec bit back the urge to laugh. "But what about you, any girls catch your eye?"

_Yeah, one girl and one guy._ "Nope."

"Oh, come on, I know that voice. Don't lie to me Alec."

Alec scowled in defeat. "Fine. Her name's Anna. She's in my English class." Alec was going to leave out which girl it was.

"And…?"

"And I barely said two words to her, so it's not that big a deal."

"Uh huh. Was she that pretty blonde you were attempting to check out the other day?" Interest coated Jace's voice.

_Damn him. Why does he always know when I'm hiding something?_ "Yes, but what difference does it make?"

"'What difference does it make?' It makes all the difference. I mean, I can't believe she actually talked to you, because seriously dude, she is so far out of your league she's Pluto."

"Your faith in me is astounding," Alec said sarcastically.

"I try." Jace paused. "Look, I got to go. I convinced Clary to let me show her around and she's expecting me in 5. Keep me posted on Anna, and if you don't work out, be sure to give her my number."

"And what about Clary?"

"She may let Isabelle convince her I'm an ass. I need an alternative in case she falls through. I don't do single well."

"I thought you were turning over a new leaf?"

"Summer's not over yet. Now I really gotta go. And, ah, next time pick up your god damn phone."

"Next time, don't call me 15 times." But Jace was gone and Alec's words were just empty, hanging in the air unheard. Alec let out a breath as he put his phone back on the desk. He stood up slowly as he crossed the room to his window. Looking out he could see the school campus in the distance. He knew exactly where Magnus' tree was and looking in that direction he imagined Magnus sitting there, drawing as he always did.

That was when his hand fell on the picture Magnus had drawn for him. He looked down at it, folded halfway on the nightstand. He unfolded it slowly, glancing from it to the window. To quote Jace, he just wanted to know more about him. He wanted to know his favourite food, his favourite song. He wanted to know Magnus Bane.

~~~ 

Magnus sat on the couch, Chairman Meow rolled up in his lap and a re-run of Law and Order flashing on the screen. But Magnus' mind wasn't on the TV, nor had it been for the last hour and a half. As his hand stroked Chairman's fur, his thoughts were on Alec Lightwood. From the first moment he had seen him, standing there with his family; Magnus had felt an attraction to him. Something about his unkempt hair, the way his blue eyes darted quickly from place to place, the way his cheeks blushed a soft red every time Magnus said something to him, and most especially the way he played sub-consciously with the holes in his shirt, made him very interesting.

Then there was the day with Camille. Magnus had known all along that Alec had been sitting there and it was partially why he had chosen to go draw at that moment. He had originally gone there with Camille to find their classes but when he saw Alec when he was done he told Camille he wanted to go draw. She said she was going to go see one of her teachers and would be back for him when she was done. He hadn't really had any intentions to talk to Alec, had simply wanted to be near him. Camille was just an unfortunate circumstance. But, on the fortunate side, he did get to talk to Alec.  
He didn't quite understand why he was feeling that way, but he liked it. It was different from the way he felt with Camille. With Camille there was no emotional attraction and it had always been, for the last year and a half, about the physical aspect. Magnus had been happy with her once, but the last three months had just been a downward spiral. Magnus thought things would be good when they were at different schools since they could both spread their wings, but no, Camille had chosen to go to Idris instead of Tisch. In his opinion it was a bad idea. Tisch had a better program than Idris, even if Idris was ranked second in the Theatre program. Magnus just had to put it down to the deciding factor being him. Yippee. Wasn't he lucky?

Magnus looked down at Chairman Meow wondering what it would have been like to not have Camille there. He could hear her in the bedroom getting dressed, and the thought of her there was annoying. Magnus just wanted to be able to sleep with Chairman Meow at his feet and the only thing around him would be his blankets. The more time he spent with Camille the more he noticed everything about her that drove him crazy, and not in a good way. Her jaw cracked when she ate, her laughter was two octaves above the normal person, she liked her feet massaged, and she had too many clothes, which was saying a lot seeing as Magnus had enough for three people. But that was only the beginning. Magnus had a whole list of other things she did, and the top one was locking Chairman Meow out of their bedroom and any other room she happened to be in. She had always hated his cat, which Magnus had ignored quite well for some time, but now that they lived together, her aversion to cats was intolerable. And her little spiel about getting rid of him was the last straw. He was tired of her telling him what to do and how to do it. He didn't want to be pushed around anymore.

The door of the bedroom opened behind him and Magnus heard Camille's footsteps. She came into his peripheral vision, her clothes barely covering her skin. Where the excessive skin would have normally pricked up Magnus' senses, it didn't. Instead, he was thinking about taking Alec's holey shirt off and seeing the skin underneath it. He knew it was wrong and he shouldn't, but he saw the way Alec looked at the blonde. You didn't look at someone like that just because. Magnus knew what Alec was, even if Alec didn't. He knew it was also wrong on the front that he had a girlfriend and should not be thinking about a boy, but he was. He was thinking about Alec and he was thinking about how bad he really wanted to know him.

Magnus was brought out of his reverie by the sensation of Camille's lips on his cheek. They brushed against his skin, sending a familiar sensation through him. Still, there was something about Camille that sparked something in him, and he had to say, it was worth the foot massages.  
Which, speaking of, she wanted one now. Camille positioned herself on the couch, sitting down as Chairman Meow left. A smile crossed her face as she threw her legs on Magnus' lap. She didn't even have to ask. It was simply automatic. He began with the left, hearing the familiar sigh escape Camille's lips.

"What's wrong?"

"Hm?" Magnus wasn't really listening.

"I asked, what's wrong?" She looked up at him, her face showing concern. "You never watch Law and Order unless you're mind is completely somewhere else." The one good thing about Camille: she knew him pretty well and he felt like he could talk to her about anything.

Magnus looked at Camille sideways, sighing softly. "Just thinking."

"About what?"

"You." It wasn't completely a lie. Magnus moved to Camille's other foot.

Camille's brow clenched. "Good or bad?"

"Both."

Her eyebrows flew up. "Oh really? What were the bad thoughts?"

"What they always are." Magnus looked at Camille and their eyes met as they came to the same conclusion they always did. They didn't fight that much anymore, they more or less came to a mutual agreement. That was what their relationship had come to. They had sex, they slept, they woke, they went about their day, and they had sex again. They didn't talk or fight much, just simply looked at each other. Their fight two days ago was the first in a long time and it was about as bad as they got. The bad fights had ended months ago, and with them, so had any chance of their relationship continuing past the next few months. Magnus was kind-of looking forward to being single and away from Camille, and he knew she was too. But they stayed together like they did because underneath it all, there was some semblance of love. Underneath it all, Magnus still cared for her and she still cared for him. But in the end, all they were to each other were friends with benefits.

"I see. And the good things?" Magnus felt a shiver run through him. Holding her there, doing the one thing he hated the most he had actually managed to forget about Alec. He had managed to look at her face and see everything that kept him with her. He didn't love her but he did feel for her as much as he could bring himself to. He had never managed to love anyone in his life, not as they deserved to be loved. He figured it was just some defect in his heart, but then that defect was only really born 4 years ago. Camille knew about his past because there was no way he could keep it from her since they lived together, but she didn't know the whole story.

Magnus looked at Camille, meeting her gaze. The look in her swimming green eyes made Magnus want to be with her and forget everything. He didn't know where they'd be tomorrow or a week from then but in that moment, he just wanted her. He just wanted the fighting to cease and his waning thoughts to disappear. He wanted to stop thinking about Alec, no matter how much he wanted to. He wanted to just leave this world for a few hours and tackle his demons later.

Magnus pushed Camille's legs off his lap, turning to lean over top of her. He looked down into her eyes as she positioned herself so she was laying down. He leaned down, taking her lips with his. He drew her bottom lip between his as her hands met at the small of his back. Her hands massaged the muscles there as they explored each other's mouths. Magnus slid a hand down her side feeling her skin shiver beneath. All thoughts flew from his mind. All he wanted was her. All he wanted was the relationship they used to have where everything seemed so easy. He wanted the relationship where he was happy. He just wanted her, her and the silence that was enveloping him.

He couldn't quite decipher the reasoning behind this sudden change of heart, and he knew he'd regret it later, but for now, this felt right. This was where he was and he was almost glad for it. He wanted one last moment with Camille before his heart closed off to her forever. They both knew it was coming. It was coming and it would be here soon. Besides, Camille deserved someone who would give her everything she wanted. She really was a great girl and Magnus didn't regret being with her, but he knew he'd regret any more time with her. This was him giving her one last moment before it was all over. She knew too what he was doing, he knew that. They had fought and talked about breaking up but neither had done it. It was almost easier to just stay together then to break up. People could ask Magnus why he was with her in the first place and Magnus would say he didn't know. But deep down he felt for her, and that was why he was still there. Not that he'd be there much longer.

Magnus pulled his lips away slowly, looking into her eyes. "Thank-you."

"For what?"

"Everything." He moved his lips back to hers and then he was lost. He was lost with her for the last time.

* * *

First off I would like to thank my wonderful new beta Puckleberry .G for reading and fixing this chapter for me. She's absolutely wonderful. Secondly I would like to thank all you amzingly awesome people who have reviewed, favourited, or alerted Unstoppable. You all really know how to make a girl happy. Thank-you. Thirdly I would like to ask you to review. Good? Bad? Let me know. Fourthly, Chapter 4 will be on its way next week and I promise Alec and Magnus will say more than hello to each other.

Be the change,

Amber


	4. Unmoved

Chapter 4

Unmoved

*******Copyright: I do not own the characters or the Mortal Instruments series, they belong to Cassandra Clare. All original ideas and concepts belong to yours truly.**

Hello again. First I would like to say thank-you to all you lovely people who have been reading my story and keep me going. I love all of you for your wonderfulness. Secondly I would like to apologize for taking longer than I expected to update. This week was my birthday and I had a driver's test to study for. Also school decided to be one of those wonderful weeks where you have tests and/or projects in every class, and I got busy. I was also away from the computer for the last two weekends, so I haven't been able to write on my schedule I made for myself. My beta also apologizes because she had a tremendously busy week and she had zero opportunity to read until today. So I thank her for taking time out of her day to read this. I'm sorry and here's chapter 4. It's mainly the lovely Magnus and Alec so enjoy!

Songs:

Faithfully-Journey

Goodbye-Secondhand Serenade (Camille and Magnus)

Shelter-Hedley (Alec and Magnus)

* * *

Alec sat at his desk, his thoughts rushing. It had been three weeks since the beginning of school and they had already been given a test in European History. Magnus had had the idea to study together and Alec had said yes. They had decided to meet at his dorm room since Camille would be at the apartment practicing for an audition. Alec had thought to offer up the library, but had decided not to at the last minute. It wasn't that he was expecting anything but he figured it would be easiest to get to know him when they were alone. Besides, it was quieter in the dorm than the library at this time of day.

Alec could honestly say that him and Magnus had grown to be friends. Most of the time they spent together involved History but that was ok with Alec. He liked being with Magnus and he had grown to like Magnus more, everything he learnt enticing him just a little bit more. He had never thought that he would ever know Magnus when he first saw him at that tree. Alec didn't expect anything more than a friendship even though a big part of him was starting to want that. Magnus was just a friend and at that moment Alec was happy.

A knock sounded on his door and he felt his heart leap in his chest. He took a deep breath before getting up to answer the door. He opened it to see Magnus leaning against the door frame. He had toned down on the glitter that day and Alec had to say, he liked the simple look just as much. Magnus smiled at Alec, meeting his eyes. The colouring of them sent a shiver through Alec and he almost found himself lost.

"Hey, you gonna stand there marveling at me or are you going to let me in?" He cocked an eyebrow, amusement crossing his face.

"Oh. Sorry." _Nice one Alec, nice one. _Alec mentally slapped himself as he moved out of the way. Magnus walked in, heading for the Alec's bed on the right. Alec closed the door behind him, turning to look at Magnus. Magnus was in the process of removing his notebook from his bag. Alec crossed the room to take the chair at his desk. He spun around to face Magnus who was removing an iPod from his bag.

"You mind?"

"No."

"Good. I can't study otherwise." Magnus stood up, crossing to Alec's desk. He plugged the iPod into Alec's speakers, pressing a few buttons before the music started. A few notes filled the air before Alec recognized the song. Journey's _Faithfully. _Magnus hummed along as he sat back down.

"So, where do you want to start?" Magnus looked up at Alec, a strand of black hair falling in front of his eyes. Alec couldn't help but-to use Magnus' word- marvel at him. He was beautiful. Alec found himself distracted by the slight curve of Magnus' mouth, the silky dark look to his hair, and the never-ending green of his eyes. He was always finding himself distracted by Magnus. Everything he did was intriguing and slowly Alec found himself falling for Magnus. He didn't understand the foreign emotions flooding through him but he liked them. He liked Magnus.

Alec grabbed his notes from behind him, trying to come back to earth. He looked down to scan them quickly. "England good?" They were studying the very beginnings of the countries and after England there was about 10 more to go, not to mention the many they hadn't touched in class yet.

"Wonderful." There was sarcasm and agreement in his voice as he riffled through his notes to find one of the many they had on England. He opened his book to the correct chapter before looking up at Alec. "So, I guess we start from the beginning."

"…and then they all died. The end."

"Well, that's a great way to put it," Alec said.

"There is no other way to put it." Magnus closed his book sharply, stretching his long limbs as the book closed. They had been studying for two hours, had listened to everything from Journey to Lady Gaga to Conway Twitty, and had had a really great time. Alec hadn't felt this good since he got there. Being with Magnus was just so relaxing. They were able to joke about everything, which was a hard thing to do given the past two hours had been spent reciting dates. Alec felt like he wasn't pretending to be something with Magnus. He felt like Magnus saw everything he was and Alec was okay with that. Alec felt a peace and he felt a swell of happiness that he'd never felt before.

With every passing moment they spent together Alec found himself being more and more drawn to Magnus. He felt like he was really coming to know him, which is what he had wanted from the beginning. He did feel like there was something to Magnus that was hidden. He felt like beneath the sarcasm and the glitter there was another layer to him. He wanted to know what that layer was but then he knew he would never mean enough to Magnus for Magnus to open up about everything. They were just study buddies, nothing more.

Alec had managed to bury any thoughts he had about something more with him because he knew they were impossible. He knew Camille and him were on rocky grounds, but it still didn't warrant Alec getting his hopes up. Magnus would never like him like that, not for real. Thoughts like that were only for his dreams. Which is why he had started to grow a relationship with Anna. His original attraction was more than just first sight. He had grown to really like her, not romantically, but as a friend. She was a great girl and she helped keep his mind off of Magnus. He didn't want anything with her and he was happy the way they were. Alec had few friends there so he was happy he had Anna.

Alec was popped out of his reverie when Magnus' phone went off on the bed. Alec saw Camille flash across the screen. She had been calling for the last hour and Magnus had just ignored it, putting it off to the fact he didn't want to be interrupted. But Alec knew there was more to it than that. Every time she called Magnus got a look on his face that expressed a plethora of emotions. Regret, longing, sadness, irritation. Alec wasn't quite sure rather Magnus was pissed at her or if Magnus had done something wrong himself. Alec could almost see why it would be both.

"Magnus, I really think you should take that."

Magnus looked up at him, defeated. "Yeah, you're right." Magnus picked up his phone. "I'll be right back."

Magnus crossed the room, entering the hallway. Alec swirled in his chair, putting his notes back in his binder as he listened to the soft muffle of Magnus' voice outside his door.

"I told you not to bother me. I was in the middle of studying."

"Yes, with him. He's just a friend."

"It doesn't matter. Now, what did you want?"

"I told you I'd be home around 6."

"Well, it's not my responsibility to take care of that for you."

"I know you've been busy Camille, but I have a life too remember?"

"I know. I'm sorry."

"I messed up. Okay, I know."

"You have your faults too Camille."

"I'm saying there are things about you that drive me crazy, yes."

"I can list them off if you want me to."

"I don't know. I don't really feel like it right now."

"Hey, that's how I am. If you don't like it you can leave.

"I don't know if that's what I'm saying, maybe it is. Besides, this isn't a conversation to be had on the phone."

"I don't know Camille. What do you think?"

Magnus sighed frustratingly. "I can't do this right now, okay. We'll talk when I get back."

Alec was drowned in silence when Magnus' voice cut off. Alec pretended to busy himself with his notes as the seconds passed. A minute went by before Magnus walked in. Alec looked up at him. His face was emotionless, his bearing loose. On the outside he looked like he normally did; nonchalant and carefree. But Alec saw the turmoil in his eyes. There was pain there, a pain that Alec had seen many times before. He wouldn't necessarily say with Magnus it was heartbreak, but it was something.

Magnus walked over to the bed, sitting down slowly. He played around with his notes for a few seconds before stuffing them back into his bag.

"Magnus, are you okay?" Alec knew he shouldn't ask it, but he knew that look. Magnus needed to talk to someone and it might as well be Alec over some stranger.

"Just peachy. Why wouldn't I be?" The anger in his voice caught Alec off guard.

"Ok, sorry for asking." Alec swung back around, turning his back to Magnus. _And that's what you get for trying to be a good guy. Great job Alec._

Seconds ticked by that felt like minutes. Alec had never seen Magnus show any deep emotions before. It was almost like he was cut off from the deep rooted emotions in him. He was never in a bad mood, never sad or angry. He was always just happy. Alec could put that down to him just not having seen Magnus otherwise, but he had feeling Magnus wasn't an emotional person either way.

"I'm sorry." Magnus' voice was small in the silence that enveloped them.

Alec didn't turn around.

"It wasn't right for me to snap at you." Alec heard Magnus stand up and swing his bag over his shoulder.

Alec turned to look at him, seeing the sadness in his eyes. What had Camille said on the other end of the line to make him feel like this? Alec thought Magnus was done with her, or at least that was how it sounded when Magnus had brought her up. He said that their relationship was faltering and that he figured it was about time anyway. He said he'd be okay if they broke up and maybe it was time he moved on. He hadn't looked like he was lying when he said that and he didn't sound like it either. It was almost like in Magnus' head he was ready to move on but in his heart he wasn't. Maybe he wasn't ready to leave Camille because of everything they had had. Maybe he still loved her in some remote part of himself. Alec would never know.

Magnus met Alec's gaze and Alec saw something soften within them. Magnus smiled lightly. "I had a great time today, despite the fact I'll never look at France the same again." Alec smiled in remembrance on one of the many history facts they had tried to lighten up. "We'll have to do it again."

"Yeah, we will."

Magnus stood there for one more second before turning and leaving.

Alec watched the door close behind him hoping he'd be okay. Maybe he'd work it out with Camille. Maybe that happiness would come back. But deep down, the selfish side of him wanted Magnus to leave Camille so he'd be single. But he covered that up by saying he wanted him single so that he didn't feel dragged down by Camille anymore.

Alec turned back to see that Magnus had left his iPod. Alec thought about returning it to Magnus but thought better of it. Magnus would already be gone and it wasn't the time for that. Alec sighed, throwing his head back to look at the ceiling. The whiteness took him over, but slowly it transformed to Magnus' face. He saw the way he talked out of the left side of his mouth sometimes. He saw the way his eyes sparkled every time a 30 year-old song came on. He saw the way he bit his pencil when he was thinking and pretended to be drumming with his fingers when he got bored. (Alec made a mental note to ask Magnus if he actually played the drums or not.) He saw the way Magnus smiled and a happiness took Alec over. He wanted him. He didn't just want to know him anymore. He wanted him. He wanted to call Magnus his. Alec had only wanted that once before, but now he wanted it with an intensity that was overwhelming. He wasn't scared or ashamed of the feeling either. He was actually happy. He felt a weight lift from his shoulders with the thought. He wasn't scared. He wasn't scared of what he felt for Magnus because for once it felt like it was right.

Magnus unlocked the apartment door, putting his key back in his pocket as he walked inside. Camille sat at the small table next to the kitchen, her hands clasped on top. She looked up at him, a sadness in her eyes. The both knew what was coming.

Magnus dropped his book bag on the floor, crossing to take the chair across from Camille. He looked up to meet her eyes, his heart hurting for what was to come. He didn't want it to happen per se, but he knew it had to. It was a long time coming.

A few minutes passed between them before Camille spoke. "What you said on the phone, is it true?"

"Yes."

"So that's it then? Are we not even going to fight for it?"

"There's nothing more to fight for." He looked up to meet Camille's eyes. They were wavering. "We've fought enough already. Neither of us is really truly happy here, you know that. Anything emotionally romantic we felt for each other died months ago when…"

"When the baby died."

"No." Magnus took in a breath, letting the silence fill him. "No. The baby came before I ever felt anything for you." Magnus placed a reassuring hand on top of Camille's, feeling a spark fly through him. Camille looked down at his hands and he felt a small tear hit his hands. "We started breaking apart when our lives started taking different directions."

"But why?"

"Because we're two very different people. We just don't understand each other Camille and we want different things in our lives than what the other can provide." Magnus paused. "We have to stop holding on to our fantasies of each other and let go. We've spent too long pretending this is something it's not. Now, I see the way you look at that guy at the theatre, and I know he likes you. Maybe he can give you everything you want that I can't."

Camille's eyes were fixed on Magnus' hand on hers. She looked up from them slowly, meeting Magnus' gaze. "Did you ever love me?"

"Not as much as you deserved."

Camille nodded softly, pulling her hands out from under Magnus'. "So this is goodbye."

"Yes." Magnus felt a part of his heart ache. It was a foreign feeling that overwhelmed him. He was feeling love. He was feeling for Camille as he had never felt before, and it was in the moment that he was leaving her. But it was for the best, and his heart understood that.

"A part of me is happy, but another part of me doesn't want to end this."

"I know. But we're hating each other Camille. We've been hating each other for months and we can't keep living our life like this." Magnus met Camille's eyes. "You're the best thing I've ever had in my life Camille, and I will never forget you. I meant what I said when I wanted to thank you for everything. You've made me a better man and I will never forget you." Magnus stood up, crossing to stand next to her. Camille looked up at him. He knelt down, brushing his lips against her cheek. "Thank-you."

Magnus stood up, moving backwards towards the door.

"Where are you going?"

"Somewhere." Chairman Meow ran to him at that moment and Magnus took him in his arms, deciding then that he'd take the cat with him.

"Will you be back?"

"To pick up my stuff." Magnus grasped the doorknob, turning it slowly. He gave one last look at Camille. "Go be happy Camille. You deserve it." He smiled and left, leaving Camille in the apartment alone.

_She'll be okay, right?_

_She's not your problem anymore. You're better off without her anyway._

_But…_

_No buts. She was ruining you and it was time you got rid of her. She survived without you once didn't she?_

_Yes._

_Then stop moping and go find yourself a place to stay for the night. That one with the beautiful blue eyes wouldn't be a bad place to start._

Magnus started down the hallway, leaving behind a part of his life in the dust. It felt good to finally let her go, to finally put an end to all their unfinished fights. Leaving that apartment took the biggest weight from Magnus' shoulders that it almost felt like he was in a dream. He thought of no more foot massages, of no more nagging and fights. He thought of silence. Now Camille and him had been through a lot and Magnus wouldn't regret those days, but he was definitely not regretting leaving her. Now he was free to live his own life. He was free to be Magnus Bane. He was no longer tied down by guilt and he was no longer being with a woman that he felt an obligation to from the start. Now he was free to love who he wanted on his own terms. And there was a certain someone he had in mind for that.

Alec heard a knock on his door. It was the same forward, hard knock that Alec remembered had belonged to Magnus. He looked over at his clock. 11:45. Alec had only been trying to sleep for 30 minutes, and now with the presence of Magnus just beyond that door, sleep was even more of an impossibility.

Questions flooded through Alec. Why was he here? Had something happened between him and Camille?

Alec got up slowly, walking towards the door. He opened it, catching the silhouette of Magnus in the doorway.

"Magnus, what are you doing here?"

"I need a place to stay for the night. Can I crash here?" His voice was quiet, but Alec couldn't distinguish the emotion in it.

"Yeah, sure. Come in." Alec moved out of the way, letting Magnus into the room. He moved slowly as he entered. It was then that Alec saw he had been holding something.

It was a cat.

Alec looked from the cat to Magnus but didn't want to ask. Magnus needed to sleep. They would talk in the morning.

"Thank-you." Magnus met Alec's eyes, managing a smile as he went to the bed. Alec watched his shadow move as he fell back on to his own bed.

He didn't sleep well that night, but he was okay with that because he woke up to Magnus.

* * *

So...good? Bad? Please review and let me know what you think. Next chapter will be up in a week or so...hopefully. The chapter's done but my beta's in New York so she won't be able to read for a few days. Anyway, the next chapter will mainly be Magnus and Alec along with a little bit of everyone's favourite blonde, Jace. For all you waiting for Magnus and Alec to get together I promise it will be soon. Thanks for reading! Stay tuned!

Be the change,

Amber


	5. Undeclared

Undeclared

Chapter 5

**Copyright: I do not own the Mortal Instruments or characters, those belong to Cassandra Clare. All original ideas and concepts belong to me.**

Hi there lovely readers. So i'm so sorry this took so long to update. My beta was in New York and came back completely exhausted and just got to reading and sending me this back today, bless her heart. But here you go and before you read I would like to warn you of content that will include abuse. If you're uncomfortable with that topic don't read the part in italics near the end.

I hope you like it and enjoy!

Songs:

Tears and Rain- James Blunt (Magnus)  
Under My Skin- Trading Yesterday (Magnus)  
Beside You- Marianas Trench (Alec and Magnus-Final Scene)  
Candle in the Wind- Elton John (Magnus' favourite song)

* * *

Alec's eyes flew open. A soft wet object was licking his face and the ticklish sensation had woken Alec from dreams he didn't want to be woken from. He turned to see the object that had been licking his face like a lollipop. It was Magnus' cat. The cat was white, with gray stripes zigzagging through it's fur. In Alec's opinion, it looked more like a large rat than a cat.  
Alec had the temptation to swat the cat away, but as their eyes met, the urge fell away. The cat's eyes reminded him of Magnus. With that thought, he looked over to see Magnus lying on the bed across the room. Magnus' eyes were open, staring at the ceiling, seemingly unblinking. Emotions swelled through him when he saw Magnus. Emotions and questions.

Why was he there?

Why did he bring his cat?

Had something happened between him and Camille?

That was his guess.

Alec sat up slowly. He brushed a hand down the cat's fur, a soft purr escaping its mouth. Alec continued to pet the cat as he looked at Magnus. He had the urge to question the man, but knew it wasn't the right time or place for that. Magnus would explain when he was ready. He looked down at the cat, meeting it's eyes. They looked almost like Magnus'; the same green-gold circling in the irises. There was something very human spinning in the cat's eyes, something that looked a lot like understanding.  
Alec caught the quick movement of Magnus as he sat up in the bed. He appeared to be just waking, his spiked hair now in every direction possible. He stretched slowly before meeting Alec's gaze. It looked like he hadn't slept.

"I see he likes you." His voice was low and rough.

He looked from the cat, which had morphed into a ball in his lap, to Magnus. "Animals tend to have an affinity to me."

Alec saw a small smile form on Magnus' face before he stood up. A few seconds passed before he spoke, "We should get going, we've intruded enough."

Alec went to give him the cat but instead thought better of it. "Do you need a place to stay?"

Alec saw the shock form on Magnus' face, but he quickly covered it up. "It would appear that way wouldn't it?" Magnus looked down at the floor quickly before looking back at Alec. "I come with Chairman Meow." Ah, so that was the cat's name. Kind of weird, but it fit.

"No problem. The dorm's big enough to house a cat without it being a problem." The dorm building, which was more like an apartment building slightly off campus, allowed pets. Alec had chosen the large private dorm off campus for the privacy and for the space. Now at least he could say the space paid off for the cat.

"Are you sure?"

"Hey, I can withdraw the offer if you like."

"No. I accept." Magnus sat back down on the bed, smiling. "Thank-you."

"I do have one condition."

Magnus looked up, questioningly. "What?"

"You don't happen to have an obsession with Cheetos or feet, do you?"

"God no." Magnus looked extremely disgusted at the accusation.

"Good."

"Why did you want to know?"

"Because I didn't want to have to kick you out as soon as you got here."

"Ah. Not a foot person. I can see we'll get along just fine." He winked at Alec. Now, if only Alec knew how well. Magnus sighed, falling back on to the bed, his hands clasped behind his head.

The dark, selfish side of Alec was extremely elated at the turn of events. Clearly Magnus was not with Camille anymore and now they were going to be living together. He wasn't sure what he was expecting to happen but he had never foreseen this. He figured Magnus would just be the stranger at the tree who drew. He figured Magnus would be nothing more to him than a nameless face. But no. Here Magnus was, in Alec's dorm room, his cat wrapped up in Alec's lap, and his scent filling the room. Here Magnus was, broken, and he had come to Alec. He hadn't gone to any of the other people Alec had seen him with, but instead had come to him. His heart wanted to think that meant something.  
Minutes of comfortable silence passed between them when the cat finally moved. Alec was bumped out of his reverie and at that moment, happened to look at the clock. "Shit."  
Magnus looked at Alec, his face full of amusement at Alec's outburst. "What?"  
Alec shot out of his bed, sending the cat flying. The Chairman meowed aggressively before pawing over to jump onto Magnus' bed. He took the cat to his side, draping an arm over to pet it.

"I'm going to be late for class." Alec hurried over to his dresser, grabbing clothes before rushing into the bathroom. In his thoughts last night, he had forgotten to set both his alarm and his phone and now had 10 minutes to book his ass over to the other end of campus. Yes, it was worth the time with Magnus if he was late, but it didn't mean he wanted to be late.  
Alec threw his shirt over his head, not really caring that it was the same one he had on yesterday. Pulling his jeans on, he took a quick look in the mirror. Yeah, he looked like he had just gotten out of bed, but screw it. What difference did it make?  
Alec hurried out of the bathroom, grabbing his bag and his binder from his desk. He swung around to look at Magnus. He went to say something complex but decided to resort to, "I'll talk to you later." Amusement was all over Magnus' face as Alec dashed out the door with five minutes to go. To his own astonishment, he made it with 1 minute to spare.

* * *

Magnus opened the window as the door opened behind him. He swung around, grinning at the bemused look on Alec's face.

"What did you do?"

"I decorated. You like?" Magnus looked around at the dorm room.

"You said you came with the cat, not a fluffy rug." Alec angled his head at the rug by Magnus' bed.

Magnus laughed. "Sweetheart, this room looked like my Grandma decorated it. It needed a little spice. Besides, I stayed away from your side."

That he had. But his side was another question. Magnus had decked his bed in what Alec would label as a canary yellow bedspread. The bedside table had been switched from a simple mahogany one to an extreme electric blue and his desk had so many things on it Alec was almost unable to distinguish most of it. Magnus had also hung red curtains on the window that at the present hour sent a bright red glow throughout the room. There were about four untouched bags on the floor which Alec inferred were full of the colourful, eccentrically wonderful wardrobe of Magnus Bane. So, it wasn't what Alec had expected when he got a roommate, but then, it was what he expected from Magnus. Clearly Magnus had gotten bored and he had used the redecoration of the dorm as a way to feel better. Alec was definitely questioning how Magnus had come upon the new furniture pieces so quickly. But Alec had to say, at least it was better than him not showering and having a tarantula named Fluffy.

"If you don't like it I can…"

"No, it's fine. The place was a little boring anyway." Alec walked over to his desk, throwing his bag onto the chair before falling onto his bed. The soft feeling of the mattress beneath his skin was like heaven. His day had been long, and he was just going to leave it at that. The only good thing about it was Anna, and that was simply because they had chosen to do an assignment together.

Alec flinched when Chairman Meow jumped up on the bed. He slowly made his way to Alec's stomach and curled up there, rising and falling with Alec's breathing.  
He looked over to see the smile on Magnus' face. It was nice to see him smile, especially since Alec was sure his heart didn't want him to.

"Camille hated when he did that." It wasn't as much a reminiscent comment as it was a statement.

Alec looked into Magnus' eyes, seeing a sadness fall into them.

"Magnus, what happened, if you don't mind me asking?" Alec didn't want to intrude if he wasn't wanted.

Magnus sighed, sitting down on the edge of the bed. "We broke up." He paused. "We admitted to each other what we've been denying for months. I mean, it was destined to happen. The two of us are just too different. But we separated on good terms and I'm sure Camille will find someone to make her happy."

"And you?"

"Will be absolutely marvellous as I always am. But again, thanks for this."

"The things you do for like, right?" They both laughed, a comfortable atmosphere falling between them.

It was then that Magnus spoke, "Alright, so if we're going to be roommates, I think we should know each other better."

"And how do you want to do that?"

"20 questions."

"Seriously?"

"So call me corny and sue me. Now come on, you first."

Alec groaned, as he sat up slowly, shifting the cat. He turned to look at Magnus, leaning back against the wall. "I'm warning you now that I suck at creating questions." A grin pulled at Magnus' mouth as Alec contemplated questions. He knew it shouldn't be that hard since he wanted to know so much about the man, but he just wasn't sure where to start. It wasn't his fault he hadn't played this game since he was 8 and he wanted to ask far more than 20 questions. Then he thought of one, and that, he owed to Jace.

"Favourite song?"

"Candle in the Wind, Elton John. Favourite band or artist?"

"Phil Collins." Magnus nodded in approval. "Favourite food?"

"Italian. Favourite movie?"

"Lord of the Rings."

"Beautiful darling, beautiful."

The questions went on to equal far over twenty. Yeah it was corny and a little pathetic for two grown men to be playing 20 Questions, but honestly, Alec couldn't care less. He had learned that Magnus had an obsession with Tic-Tacs, he did not play any instruments, he liked Shakespeare (most surprising fact), he loved art because it was the only place he could fully express himself, he grew up in Brooklyn, he hated science, he was not religious, he dreamt of travelling the world, and finally, as a child he had an imaginary friend named Bob (on which Alec had commentedvon Magnus' originality). He had learned all that and more, and they were still going.

"Tell me about your parents."

The animated motion to Magnus' face was wiped off. A dull glaze fell over his eyes as he broke the hold he had had on Alec's gaze.

"They're dead." His voice was ice, crashing through Alec's being.

"Oh, I'm sorry."

Magnus looked up to meet Alec's eyes. "Don't be. They died when I was young and I was raised by my uncle. I barely remember them." Alec felt like there was something more behind the words, like there was a truth that Magnus was covering up. He knew he shouldn't push the subject, so he didn't. Magnus clearly didn't want to talk about it. It made Alec wonder if Magnus' parents were the reason for the hurt he saw within him. He wondered if they were the reason Magnus acted like he didn't care about anything, yet in his drawings there was coldness, sadness, and an anger Alec didn't think possible. Magnus did a good job of acting like he was okay, but Alec could just see it in his eyes. There was something there that was trying to break free, but Magnus wouldn't let it.

The silence that filled the room was tense. It passed between them until Alec's phone went off in his pocket. He looked at Magnus who didn't appear to want to talk much more, so Alec decided to take the call. It was Jace. Alec knew he had to take it or Jace wouldn't give up calling until the next millennium.

He hit the talk button and put it to his ear. "Hey."

"And again, you sound so amused to hear me."

Alec just had to smile at hearing Jace's familiar voice. "Sorry Mr. Egotistic. What do you want?"

"I want to ask you a question."

"Shoot."

"So say you liked someone and wanted to impress them on the first date. Where would you take them without appearing too forward?"

Alec had to contemplate Jace's words for a few seconds. "Are you asking for my advice?"

"No I'm asking for the Pope's advice. Yes, I'm asking for your advice, which I might add it kills me to do. But it's for Clary."

Alec had to laugh at the whole situation. It was so weird of Jace to ask this question, and most of all ask it of him. But then again, this was new territory for him. Alec really wanted to meet this Clary girl. If she was able to get Jace to act as un-Jace-like as he was, she must have been something special. "Well, I'd take her to a movie, something preferably that she'd like. None of that weird shit that you watch."

"She likes ones based on comic books."

"Well that's perfect. There's one coming out this weekend. Then take her to dinner, again, food she likes. After that take her to the lake, stargaze, talk. If you really like her it's about talking and getting to know her. Let her know that you're not actually a player and that getting into her pants isn't the first thing on your hormonal agenda."

"Ok, if I wanted that last bit I would have gone to Isabelle."

"You asked bro."

"So talk? You think that'll work?"

"Well I'm not exactly the dating expert, but it's worth a try. But again, why are you asking for advice? Really man, did you take something?"

"No. Jesus, why does everyone think I'm being different? You'd think you guys thought I got abducted by aliens or something."

"Did you?"

"No. It's her. She's changing me."

"Well make sure you thank the girl for me. She must be a saint." Alec laughed at the aggravated breath that escaped Jace's lips.

A few seconds passed between them before Jace changed the subject. "But what about you? Anna crazy enough to find something in you she likes?"

"She's just a friend." Alec looked over to see Magnus moving across the room to the bathroom. He glanced at Alec, smiling as he passed.

"Yeah, friend with benefits." The amusement in Jace's voice was highly apparent. "How the hell did you do it?"

"That's not Anna. _He _is my roommate."

"Foot fetish?" Jace's interest was almost overwhelming.

"No."

"Cheeto obsession?"

"No."

"Shower deprived?" The questions were coming out more and more anticipated. Jace really didn't want to be wrong in his prediction.

"Nope."

"Mama's boy?"

"No."

Jace let out a disappointed breath. "Damn. I was really hoping your dorm experience would be hell."

"Thanks dude."

"You're welcome. So what's his name? What's he like?"

"Your interest in this subject is unnatural." Alec shifted the cell to his other hand as the Chairman came up to lay by his leg. He started petting the cat absentmindedly, something that had become a habit throughout the day.

"Well?"

"His name's Magnus. He hates feet and he hates Cheetos."

"And here I thought you had rotten luck." Jace paused and Alec could hear Maryse yelling in the background. "Great, I got to go. Dinner calls. Thanks for the shitty advice and I'll talk to you later."

"Yep." Alec shut off the phone as Magnus left the bathroom.

Magnus raised an eyebrow at Alec, something Alec had noticed he did a lot, and in all honesty, he found it extremely attractive. "Who was that?" Magnus sat back down on the bed, looking at Alec.

"My brother. Well, technically he's adopted."

"You sound close."

"You got that?" Alec would definitely not have gotten that.

"I can see it in your eyes and your voice. Clearly he annoys the shit out of you, but you sound like you still love him."

"Yeah, although sometimes I wish I didn't." His words had two meanings, one sarcastically and one literally. Being away from Jace had numbed Alec's emotions for him and coupled with the new found emotions he was feeling for Magnus, Jace had become a bit of an afterthought. Alec didn't actually hate the feeling though, because what he had been wanting was happening. He was scared of feeling for any guy, let alone Jace. So knowing that those feelings were on the back burner made Alec feel a little bit better about himself.

"I know what you mean." Alec looked at Magnus. Camille. Alec had a feeling he was talking about how he felt for Camille when they were together.

Magnus looked at Alec, watching the way the sun hit his hair and lit up the blue in his eyes. There was an innocence in his eyes that captivated Magnus. It was an innocence that very few people had. It was an innocence to hurt, sadness, people, and the world. Magnus kind-of envied it; he would kill to be innocent to the experiences he had had.

Those were experiences that haunted him every night, experiences that were the reason Magnus was who he was. He didn't know if he would ever tell Alec what they were, but there was something about Alec that made him want to. Magnus was scared of people's pity, of the way they'd look at him afterwards, but looking in Alec's eyes, he felt like he didn't need to be scared of that. He felt like Alec wasn't judging him for who he was, and that was something he had never had. Sure, he was eccentric, he'd admit that, and he had gotten the glares and the judgmental comments. He even knew that there was a small part of Camille that judged how he was different. But with Alec, he didn't feel judged. It didn't bother him either way, since he'd already faced the worst judgment available, but it made him feel good knowing there was one person in the world who was okay with him.

When Alec had asked him to move in, he was reluctant to say yes. His heart wanted him to but he wasn't sure it was the right thing to do. He was starting to feel something for Alec and he wasn't necessarily sure Alec could reciprocate those feelings, which was why moving in was a daunting idea. He still questioned it when he said yes but then he heard the phone conversation with Alec's brother. He recognized that look. It was the look of having love for someone you shouldn't have it for. It was the look of being scared for loving someone yet being almost happy for feeling that way. Magnus recognized it because he had had the same look and emotions before when he was figuring it out himself. So now he felt okay with saying yes. Now he could spend the time with Alec that he had wanted to since the moment he saw him. Now he could really get to know him and see if what he was feeling was true. It just came down to whether Alec would feel the same way. Magnus wasn't religious, but he prayed he would.

_Thunder clapped outside the window as rain pelted the glass. Lightning lit up the room, filling the dark void that had become his home. His mother's voice filled the air, her shrieks echoing with the thunder. Magnus threw his tiny hands over his ears, trying to drown out the pain that was encompassing his senses. But it didn't work. Nothing worked. The thunder, which was so loud against his panicked heart, only acted as a backdrop to the agony in his mother's voice._

_"Stop! Please! Stop!" Her pleas etched themselves in Magnus' heart, keeping him frozen to the bedspread._

_The familiar sound of his father's fists echoed through the house, followed by his mother's body falling to the cold ground. His father's voice overpowered her screams as he told her it was her fault. She was the one who birthed a demon child. She was the one who ruined his life._

_She was the one who put the whiskey bottle in his hand._

_Magnus wanted to scream for him to stop. He wanted to take the punches for his mother but there was no point since his would follow. Magnus squeezed his eyes shut, pushing his hands harder against his ears. He rocked back and forth to the rhythm of the rain, trying hard to focus on anything but what was happening in the room. But he could still see it in his mind's eye. He could still see him hitting her, screaming at her in his drunken rampage. He could still see the tears trailing down her face and the blood trickling along her skin. He could still see the pain and the wanting for it to end etched in every inch of her being._

_Magnus felt tears fall down his cheeks, but he quickly brushed them away. He wasn't supposed to cry. His mother had told him not to cry, that it would be okay. She said that in the morning they'd go to the beach, grab some ice cream and enjoy the day together. She told him this was just a nightmare and when he opened his eyes, it would be gone. But when he opened his eyes, it wasn't gone. When he opened his eyes, he saw his mother on the ground with his father towering over her.  
He saw his father turning on him, his eyes flaring in the light of the storm. They were evil. Pure, undeniable evil. His father started towards him, his body moving slowly as the whiskey played with his balance._

_"No! Leave him alone! He didn't do anything!" His mother's pleas were lost in the thunder and lightning._

_"Son, don't cry. Crying is for the weak and pathetic." He glanced at his wife and back to Magnus. "And you're not weak or pathetic, right son?"_

_Magnus shook his head, too scared to utter a word._

_"Good, 'cause I don't like tears," he slurred. _

_His father's hands were the last thing he saw as he tried to carry himself to a place far, far away. But all he saw in that far away land was blood and darkness. A cold, cold darkness._

Magnus shot up in his bed, sweat dripping down his skin. He panted, his heart beating frantically in his chest. He closed his eyes, trying to breathe as the nightmare filled him again. It was like this every night, no matter what he took to stop it. As much as he tried to forget, he would never be able to. His father's hands had left permanent scars not only on his body, but on his heart, mind, and soul as well. He would never forgive his father for what he did, for what he caused his mother to do. He would never forgive him even if it was his father's dying wish.

"Magnus? Magnus listen to my voice."

It was then that Magnus noticed Alec at the edge of the bed, his face frantic with fear as he searched Magnus' eyes. The sight of him there calmed his heart, settling his breathing to an almost steady pace.

He looked at Alec, trying to calm his body out of its spasms. He tried to lose himself in Alec's eyes, but he couldn't. He couldn't lose the emotions, the excruciating pain. He couldn't lose the memories.

The shaking continued, as it always did, but tonight he couldn't get a hold of it. He couldn't stop the convulsions in his muscles, the pain in his bones.  
Magnus felt Alec's hand on his arm, the only warmth in the cold world he was withdrawn into. The warmth spread through him, calming him a little bit more.

"Magnus?"

Alec's voice sounded far away, lost beneath the screaming of his mother and the yells of his father. The memory was playing again, flashing through his mind slowly, dragging out each and every painful second. He didn't know why it was doing this, and of all nights. It was rare for the memories to take such control over him. Typically they would wake him, overtake him for a few moments and then they'd go away. But there were those select few times where they played so realistically, he could physically feel everything all over again. This was one of those times. This was one of those times where the pain and the memory became him.

Magnus continued to shake and grasp at breath. He couldn't see Alec in his vision anymore, but he could still feel his touch on his skin. It was comforting; the only thing on his skin that wasn't causing him pain.

Magnus didn't register Alec's movements, but before long, he felt more warmth envelop him. Alec had moved up onto the bed and had taken him into his arms. He kept saying it would be okay.

It would be okay.

That was what his mother had told him. But this time it was different. Alec's words were breaking through the memory, overtaking him with light instead of darkness. He held onto Alec's words, savouring them. He tried to hold them to his ears so that they wouldn't disappear. He tried to close his eyes and picture Alec's image.

Slowly, the shaking ceased and the memory disappeared, leaving Alec and Magnus alone in the room. No evil. No darkness.

Magnus' body felt limp and it was covered in a sheen of sweat. Alec's body against his was the only thing he could feel, the only thing he wanted to feel. He didn't want to move, out of fear of losing the sensation of happiness that was flowing through him.

And so he didn't move. Instead, he stayed there, and for how long he didn't know. But eventually he closed his eyes and let sleep overtake him. No memories plagued his dreams for the rest of the night.

Only happiness.

Only Alec.

* * *

There you go. Hoped you liked it and let me know what you think. The next chapter has been finished and is being edited now. It should be up soon as long as life decides to like my beta and myself this week. Anyway, thanks a lot for reading and I love all of you for being amazing readers.

Be the change,  
Amber


	6. Unforeseen

Chapter 6

Unforeseen

**Copyright: I do not own Mortal Instruments or it's characters, those belong to Cassandra Clare. All original ideas and concepts are the intellectual property of myself**

Hello my lovely readers! First I want to thank everyone who reviewed, favourited, and alerted, it made my bad day a really good one. They're like Christmas presents in November. Another Christmas present was how fast my beta got this to me from the moment I sent it to her. The woman is a genius for working this chapter out. Anyway, here's Chapter 6. It's really long but I hope you all like it. Thanks for reading. Enjoy.

Songs:

Lean on Me- Bill Withers (Glee version's good too.) - Alec and Magnus (End of scene 1)

Human- Jon McLaughlin

Stranger- Secondhand Serenade

* * *

Alec woke, the sunlight blinding him as he opened his eyes. He placed the palms of his hands against his eyes, trying to soothe them from the onslaught of the sunlight. Finally he removed his hands to see the ceiling swirling above him. He blinked again to focus before turning his head to Magnus's bed.

Memories of the night before flashed through him, ripping through the peaceful sensation that sleep had brought him. He remembered waking in the middle of the night to Magnus panting and shaking. He remembered trying to get him to speak, to listen. But he got nothing. He got nothing but the pained lost look swimming in Magnus' eyes. Magnus' pain was so real Alec felt it like a hot iron scorching his soul. He felt Magnus' pain as he had never felt anything before. He didn't understand it. He never thought pain like that was possible, yet he had seen it. He had seen it in Magnus' eyes and he had seen it in his drawings.

Alec didn't know why he had taken Magnus to him, but in the moment, it felt like the perfect thing to do. He looked lost, like he was groping for something he couldn't find. Alec just wanted to ground him, to offer him comfort through the pain. He wanted to be there for Magnus, to help him find that light beneath the water. Being there with Magnus against him, Alec felt something inside of his heart come to life. A fire ignited inside of him, telling him that everything was okay and that it would all work out. He felt safe there with Magnus. He felt something with him that he had never felt before. He felt like he never wanted to let go of Magnus and that he would be okay in that spot for the rest of his life. He felt something for Magnus in his heart that he had never felt for someone before.

Alec watched as Magnus' hand flew across the page, his pencil creating an image of the pain in his heart. Alec just watched him, too scared to speak in fear of ruining the peaceful state of mind he seemed to be in. Magnus looked so serenesitting there, the sunlight reflecting off his bare features. He was even more alluring without the glitter as he was with it. Without it, Alec could see every line of his face and every uncombed strand of his hair. Alec felt like he was seeing beneath a mask to a vulnerable piece of Magnus. Here he was without anything to cover him up doing the one thing that he truly poured his soul into. Alec almost felt like he was intruding on something.

Minutes passed as Alec watched Magnus. He knew it was wrong to stare but he couldn't help himself; Magnus captivated him in every way.

Suddenly Magnus' hand went still and dropped onto the paper. Alec felt his heart jump at the sudden movement.

"Have you enjoyed watching me?" Magnus' tone wasn't angry or agitated but rather like he was amused.

Alec blushed, feeling about a million words roll on his tongue. "Oh…Yes…No…I…" He fumbled over the words as he watched a smirk crawl onto Magnus' face.

Magnus laughed. "It's okay. I can be pretty captivating in the morning." He turned his gaze from his drawing to Alec. Alec met Magnus' eyes and felt the air leave his lungs. It had been so dark last night that he had barely seen Magnus' eyes, but now in the light of the morning they were crystal clear. He could see the pain buried within the irises, swimming like long lost ghosts in the pit of his soul. The pain seemed to be etched into his eyes like scars. But what Alec didn't get was why Magnus was being so casual. Clearly he must have remembered what happened the night before, so why was he acting so happy? Was he just really good at not letting things affect him?

Alec felt more blood rush to his cheeks as embarrassment flooded through him. Magnus' smile got bigger as he stood up, putting his sketchbook on the bed. "I'm going to go and take a shower. I'll be out in a few." Magnus crossed the room, passing Alec's bed as he entered the bathroom. Alec caught Magnus' scent as he walked by, savouring it on his senses. It was so foreign, so masculine, and extremely intoxicating.

The door closed behind Magnus and Alec heard the tap being turned on as the water hit the tile. He looked over at Magnus' sketchbook, seeing that he had left it open to his most recent drawing. Alec looked from the drawing to the bathroom door, feeling a sharp tug inside of him to cross the room and look at Magnus' latest work. He knew he shouldn't; it was an invasion of privacy. But then again, he had left it open right there.

Alec gave in and he quickly got out of his bed and crossed the room to Magnus'. The drawing caught Alec off guard. It was a picture of a boy, his small figure silhouetted in the frame of an open window. There was a storm raging outside, rain falling thick onto the ground below as lighting cracked in the distance. Water landed on the boy's skin and it appeared to be leaving scars in his flesh. The scars seemed to go on forever, deep pits into the boy's skin, into his soul. Tears fell from his face but they were coloured, dark, almost like the boy was crying blood. The boy looked broken, hurt, and he looked lost. He looked like Magnus. Did this have something to do with Magnus' dream the night before? Was this an illustration of the life he was hiding?

Alec jumped as the door to the bathroom opened behind him. Alec turned around quickly to see Magnus standing in the doorway, leaning out so only see his head and shoulders were visible. Steam wafted out of the doorway, curling at Magnus' feet and head. He was dripping with water and Alec was once again, caught off guard. Seeing him there soaking wet ignited something in Alec he had never felt before. The feeling knocked his breath away as he tried to gain control of his emotions. But gaining control seemed impossible. Alec felt the heat rise in his face as he tried to avert his gaze.

"Hey, can you grab my conditioner? You fail to have the sense to buy one."

"Oh, yeah." Alec put on a smile trying to cover up the fact he was looking at Magnus' drawing and the fact that he was looking at Magnus. _Jesus Alec, get yourself together. You look like a damn fool._ He mentally slapped himself for it. "Where is it?"

"In the bag under my desk. I keep forgetting to bring it in here."

Alec went over to the desk, pulling Magnus' bag out from underneath it. He undid the zipper, planning to find the bottle and give it to him so he'd go back to the shower and allow Alec to stop thinking about him without his clothes on. But that was not a plausible option. There were about 10 bottles and Alec didn't even use conditioner let alone know which one it was.

Alec looked at Magnus, once again feeling that tug within him. "Which one is it?"

Magnus laughed. "Blue one, silver writing."

Alec rifled through the bottles, finding the blue one at the bottom. He picked it up and stood up quickly. He walked over to Magnus, taking deep breaths as he got closer. It was in those steps that he was cursing the physical and hormonal attributes he was given. This was not the time or place to be feeling like this. But Magnus did that to him. He brought something alive in Alec; something emotional that he had never felt for someone before. And now, now he was feeling the physical aspect. He had always been attracted to Magnus since the first moment he saw him, but something about him being wet and naked had just sparked something new in his physical feelings for Magnus.

Alec gave Magnus the bottle, shivering as their skin brushed. A small inkling in the back of his brain was telling him Magnus had done the whole thing on purpose just to tease him.

"Thanks darling." And then he disappeared, gone back into the shower. Alec let out a long breath, continuing to breathe slowly as Magnus' singing filled the dorm. Alec tried to breathe, the bulge against his jeans doing nothing to calm the emotions running through him. These feelings were so foreign, so unknown, that Alec didn't know how to handle them. He had never been with someone before, never kissed anyone, or even felt the way he did about someone. He had felt for Jace, who over the last few days Alec had started to forget about. He felt his feelings for Jace like an itch he couldn't scratch, an itch that burned at his skin but wouldn't go away. But his feelings for Magnus were like a searing iron, coursing across his skin. His feelings for him were hot, intriguing, unbearable and exotic. His feelings for Jace were safe, soft, and numbing. Now that he had met Magnus, his feelings for Jace were small. They felt like nothing compared to the wave of emotion Magnus sent through his body.

Alec's eyes drifted back to the drawing as his mind flooded with thoughts of Magnus. He felt like what had happened last night had changed something between them. He knew it had changed everything for Alec. He felt like he knew a whole part of Magnus no one else did, and that fact made him even more intriguing and captivating than before. He knew the vulnerable Magnus, the Magnus who wasn't sarcastic and charming… the Magnus beneath the mask.

Alec walked over to his dresser to change, his mind enveloped by Magnus. As he changed, he thought about what Magnus could be hiding. Why had he been screaming for someone to stop? Why did he say it wouldn't be ok?

As Alec threw a sweater over his head, the door to the bathroom opened. Alec popped his head through the collar to look at Magnus, fully dressed, intently looking him over. He suddenly felt self-conscious and was relieved that he had chosen a sweater to wear.

"I really need to take you shopping."

Magnus' words caught Alec off guard for the third time that day. He never ceased to surprise him.

"My clothes are fine." Alec hugged his sweater closer to himself.

"To you maybe but I don't even know what colour that used to be."

"It's black." Alec looked down at his sweater mournfully. It used to be black, but now it had turned a very worn brown colour. "Well, at least it used to be."

Magnus grinned. "You need to spice up your wardrobe a little bit. Maybe some blue or green to bring out those beautiful eyes, because sweetheart, that is so not your colour." Magnus met Alec's eyes with a smile as he walked past him over to his dresser. Alec felt his insides flip. Why did Magnus make him feel this way? Why was he so damn attracted to him?

Well, he could name about 100 reasons.

Alec watched as Magnus walked over to his dresser. Alec didn't want to ask about last night but he knew he had to. Magnus was too calm and it just didn't feel right.

"Magnus, what happened to you last night?"

Magnus fell silent at the dresser, his hands falling to his sides as his shoulders hunched. "Nothing."

"It clearly wasn't nothing."

"Well I don't want to talk about it okay? Thank you for everything but that's it. It happens. It's not that big of a deal." Alec could hear the pain in Magnus' voice, the pain that was fighting its way through him. Alec took a few steps towards Magnus, finding the need to comfort him again. He put a hand out to touch Magnus' shoulder, feeling Magnus' muscles flinch beneath his head. But slowly they relaxed, moulding to Alec's hand. The contact sent an electric shock through Alec's body.

"Magnus." Alec's voice was soft, reassuring. He didn't judge Magnus for what happened the night before, or for what had happened to him to cause that.

Magnus turned around slowly as Alec dropped his hand. He met Alec's gaze and Alec could see the battle waging within him. Alec had the urge to take Magnus to him again and hold him there and comfort him. He wanted to silence the battle and end the fighting. He didn't know why Magnus fought but he didn't care, Alec just wanted to save him. He wanted to be the one to free him, to help him.

Magnus sighed and Alec saw something flicker in his eyes. "I can't explain to you what happened last night and I may never explain, but I don't want you to think anymore into it. These are my battles to fight and I don't expect anyone else to fight them with me. I will always be grateful to you for helping me last night but I will never ask you to do it again."

"But if I want to?" Alec searched Magnus' eyes seeing a light grow within them.

"Then you're a fool Alexander."

"That's fine with me." Alec felt a shock run between them, an electric current that was attracting Alec to Magnus with each passing second. He felt himself move closer towards him, his eyes trailing to Magnus' lips. They were full, curved in a slight smile and asking. They were just asking. Alec wanted to. He wanted Magnus. Alec felt Magnus being pulled towards him too and the connection between them was intoxicating. Magnus smelled like apples, and his dark hair hung in curtains around his face. It framed his gold-green eyes with ferocious intensity and Alec fought the urge to touch his hair, to touch him. He had never wanted anything as bad as he wanted Magnus at that moment.

Inches away from Magnus, a meow interrupted both of their thoughts as Chairman Meow circled around their feet. Magnus smiled as he picked up the small cat. Alec didn't hear the words Magnus said to him because he was too distracted. He was lost in Magnus' features, lost in the emotions flooding through him. He knew he'd only known Magnus for three weeks and lived with him for one, but to put it simply, he had a crush on him. He felt for Magnus how he thought he felt for Jace. He felt for Magnus the same way he was scared of feeling for a guy. The fear swept through him at the same moment as the realization and he felt his heart tighten in his chest. A part of him felt like it was so wrong and yet another part was telling him it was right. A part of him wanted Magnus and yet another wanted to not feel the way he did and just crawl away into a hole. He just wanted to hide. He wanted to hide from his feelings so he could figure them out, and he wanted to hide from the world to avoid its glares and harsh words.

Magnus looked up from the cat to Alec. The moment was gone, flushed away as quickly as it came. "So are you going to the party at Delta Phi tonight?" Way to change the subject Magnus, Alec thought.

Alec had actually completely forgotten about it. Anna had invited him on Thursday since it was her sorority. "I got an invite, but I'm not sure if I'm going to go."

"Well then it's settled." Magnus smiled at Alec and they held each other's gaze for a few seconds.

"What's settled?"

"You heard me Alexander. You're going. I will not let you mope around here all night when you could be out there having fun."

"I do not mope." Magnus looked at Alec with a look that said, 'Yes you do, so stop denying it.' Alec couldn't help but think of Jace when Magnus looked at him.

Magnus laughed as he put down the cat, grabbed his cosmetics and disappeared into the bathroom for what Alec timed to be two hours. Alec had spent many days waiting for Isabelle in the bathroom and had become accustomed to the waiting process. But something about waiting to see Magnus leave the bathroom took an even bigger toll on Alec's patience than waiting for Isabelle. Waiting for Magnus was excruciating. He wanted to see his face again. He wanted to touch his skin, to kiss his lips. He wanted to hold Magnus again like he did the night before.

* * *

The music was an onslaught against Alec's ears. The people swarmed about him in masses as he and Magnus made their way through the front room over to the drink table. In all honesty, Alec had never been to a party before. He'd been invited, been called anti-social by Jace, but parties had never been something he was interested in. Looking at Magnus, he knew he was in his element.

Magnus moved seamlessly through the crowd while Alec bumped into every other person on the floor. He knew just the level to talk at while Alec found himself yelling. He talked to the people he passed with grace, commenting on this person, or this couple, or this song, but Alec didn't know what to say to anyone. He just kept with Magnus as he searched the crowd for Anna, the only other person he knew on a level more than acquaintance.

He looked up at Magnus as they stopped near the far side of the main room. Magnus had chosen to straighten his hair, his eyes were rimmed, once again, in black and glitter, and his lips were coated in some colour Alec couldn't distinguish. He wore rainbow pants held up by a belt with a studded 'M' belt buckle. He had on black boots, and a black glittering top accented with a purple tie under a black vest. Magnus knew how to stand out in the crowd, but in a good way. He was the captivating man who brought a light into each room. He was the one who you appreciated for his originality and his style. He was the one that Alec knew everyone liked.

As for Alec, well, he looked like a nothing compared to Magnus. Alec had thrown on a dark t-shirt, which he was sure used to be black, and black worn jeans which fell around his sneakered feet. His hair was messy, as per usual, and he was one of those people that others overlooked; especially when he was standing next to Magnus.

"Here." Alec looked up at Magnus who held a glass of yellow liquid in his ring studded hand.

"Oh, no. I don't drink." He had dealt with drunken people enough in his life to not want to drink alcohol himself.

"Imagine it's apple juice."

Magnus' comment made Alec laugh. He felt bad to say no again so he took the drink, his fingers brushing against Magnus'.

Alec went to say something when he felt a tap on his shoulder. Alec turned around to see Anna standing there looking as vibrant as ever. She had on a light blue dress that fell about mid-thigh and her hair was held back on her head by a small white headband. She had a smile on her face as she met Alec's gaze.

"Hey, I didn't think you'd show." Anna smiled.

"Well, I got convinced otherwise." Alec glanced back at Magnus who had adapted a leaning pose against the table, which Alec found extremely attractive.

"I see. Magnus does have that ability." Alec couldn't quite distinguish the underlying tone to her voice.

"Damn right I do, honey." Magnus took a drink, glancing over at Anna from underneath glittered eyelashes.

Alec looked from Magnus to Anna. "You two know each other?"

"We know _of_ each other, yes." There was distaste in Magnus' voice.

"I'm a friend of his ex-girlfriend." Alec figured out what it was that he couldn't distinguish before. It was a hatred that was in her voice, a hatred that was directed at Magnus.

"Oh." Alec was out of words. Looking from Anna to Magnus he thought he saw daggers shooting between their gazes. Whatever had gone on between them was filling the room like oxygen. Alec felt like he was the rope in a tug-of-war. He felt pulled between the two of them, the tension stretching him.

Alec felt relief flow through him as Magnus moved his gaze back to him. "I'm going to go. I'm not in the mood to be bitched at tonight by people with bad manicures. And besides, this party needs a little more entertainment, which is why I'm here. I'll talk to you later." Magnus glanced at Anna one last time before pushing himself up from his position and walking away, his hips swaying to the beat of the music.

Alec felt the tension fall away, like the rope being dropped, as he looked at Anna.

Anna took Alec's drink from his hand, taking a long gulp before handing it back to Alec. "Who the hell invited that asshole?"

"Uh, I don't know." Alec was extremely confused right now and wasn't sure whether he would have been happier if Anna had left, leaving him with Magnus.

Anna turned her gaze on Alec. "I'm sorry, I just don't like him."

"Why?"

"Because of what he did to Camille. He broke her heart, many times."

"What did he do?"

"He knocked her up and then forced her to have an abortion when she didn't want to."

Alec felt the floor drop beneath his feet. "He what?"

"You heard me. He's an asshole Alec. My word of advice would be to stop hanging out with him while you can. He's not safe to be around. Camille said he's troubled and she always lived in fear that his past would catch up to him."

"What past?" Alec felt the world around him swim and looking down at the glass in his hand he was compelled to take a drink.

"She didn't say, but it was bad. Look Alec, I'm just looking out for you. He may seem charming but he's got some dark skeletons in his closet."

"We've all got skeletons in our closet Anna."

"Not ones like him. His aren't dead yet." Anna smiled slightly. "Now come, I want to introduce you to some people." Anna took Alec's hand and a surge of heat rushed through him. He downed the last of his drink in one gulp, putting it back on the table as Anna pulled him away.

Alec searched the room for Magnus but he couldn't find him. Was what Anna said true? Was Magnus' past really that bad? Alec had formulated ideas from last night's events but was one of them it? What had happened to Magnus as a child that was so terrible? And the baby. Not that it was his business to know anyway, but what was Magnus' side of the story? Had he really forced Camille to have an abortion?

These questions, and more, flowed through Alec's thoughts as Anna pulled him through the party. He barely registered the people he met or the drinks that passed through his hand. He barely registered his own consciousness. Now, more than ever, he wanted to know the answer to the one desperate question he had been asking from the beginning. Who was Magnus Bane?

* * *

"Not now sweetheart, try him." Magnus pushed the drunken brunette away into another man's arm, his smile falling away as he turned his back. His mood had been ruined ever since Anna had shown up. It wasn't that she was there, Magnus could deal with that, but it was the fact that Anna knew Alec well enough to want to invite him to the party. Magnus knew the kind of things Anna was spinning to Alec, and most of them were probably true. Magnus had done some things he regretted, but he did them because he had to. But given that Alec was hearing this from Anna, Alec would be hearing the side that painted Magnus terribly.

_Great job Magnus. Not only did you leave him in her horribly manicured clutches, but you screwed up any chance with him. You're such an idiot._

Magnus liked Alec. It wasn't just a simple attraction anymore; Magnus actually liked Alec. He liked the way Alec didn't know about conditioner, the way he snored softly when he slept, the way he blushed when Magnus spoke to him while naked, and most especially the way he held Magnus when he was in the most need. And then he liked the way Alec said he'd do it again, that he didn't care if he told him about it all, he'd still be there.

Magnus almost thought he was dreaming. He didn't deserve that. He didn't deserve someone to hold him in the night when he was broken. He didn't deserve to know someone so pure and amazing as Alec. The electric connection he felt towards Alec was something he had only felt once before, and that was a long time ago. He never thought he would feel this way again. He never thought he would want to hold and kiss and be with someone as much as he wanted to be with Alec.

But his past would ruin it. Alec probably already knew what had happened with Camille and had already made his judgment. That was why Magnus never told anyone about his past unless he had to. Normally, people just judged him and thought he had problems and needed help. He didn't need help. He had been given all the help in the world when he was younger. He just needed to be looked upon without pity, without judgment. He just wanted someone to accept him for everything he was, but in this world, that was a hard thing to ask for.

Magnus fell into a chair, kicking his feet up onto the coffee table. Two people were making out on the couch next to him but he didn't register any of it. He was too distracted in his wallowing. Would Alec ever feel the same way he did? Could Alec accept him? What if he didn't? What if Alec got spun in the web of lies Anna was telling him?

Magnus thought he knew the answer to all those questions when the crowd in front of him dispersed. On the other end of the room, seated together on the couch were Alec and Anna. Anna had her hand on his leg and she was moving in slowly. Alec looked almost confused but he didn't move away. Magnus watched as Anna kissed Alec and thought he could feel his heart being ripped from his chest. The one person he wanted more than he had ever wanted anything would never want him too. Magnus wasn't worthy of that. Camille never loved him. She only stayed with him because he was good in bed. His parents never loved him. His teachers never loved him. No one ever loved him. Magnus was just an outcast, a tool to be used until the nail was unscrewed and he wasn't needed anymore. That's how it had always been his entire life.

Magnus hated himself for falling for Alec. It was a stupid fantasy of an idea and clearly he was wrong in his judgment of Alec. Alec wanted nothing more than to be a friend and everything Magnus thought he saw in Alec's eyes was wrong.

* * *

Alec pulled away from Anna, his heart skipping a few beats. It felt wrong. He had never kissed a girl, or anyone for that matter, and the experience was exhilarating. But, it still felt wrong. He met Anna's eyes, seeing the concern in hers. He didn't like her that way. He didn't like any girls that way and that kiss had officially closed that door forever.

"Did I do something wrong?" Anna's blue eyes searched his.

"No. I…I just can't do this."

Anna's brow creased. Alec knew Jace would be smacking him upside the head at that moment for being such an idiot, but he didn't care. He tried to quiet Jace's voice in his head as he averted Anna's gaze.

"What do you mean?"

Then he saw it. A glittered figure stood up from a couch, walking away faster than Alec thought possible. It was Magnus. Magnus had seen them. That created a pain in Alec's heart that ripped through him. He hadn't wanted to kiss Anna; she had come on to him. It had happened so fast Alec hadn't any time to think. He had only just managed to get his brain cells working 10 seconds through the kiss, meaning Magnus had probably seen the whole thing. If Magnus was just a friend, that wouldn't have bothered him, but Alec felt for Magnus more than he felt for a friend. He wanted to kiss Magnus, not Anna.

Alec was still bothered by what Anna had told him but he saw something in Magnus that seemed to explain all of Anna's comments. Alec didn't think Magnus was a bad person and he had seen it in his eyes, the skeletons in his closet. He didn't care what had happened to Magnus in his past, because the past was the past. He liked Magnus for who he was in the present, and if his past made him into the person he was today, then why should he hate his past? Why should he hate Magnus?

Alec suddenly got the urge to go after him. He stood up suddenly, catching himself and Anna off guard. He felt the alcohol rise to his head, off centering his balance.

"I have to go."

"Alec, what's gotten into you? You can't just leave."

"I have to. I'll talk to you later." And with that, he walked away, heading off in the direction Magnus had gone. Within seconds, Alec found himself outside, the cold September air stealing at his lungs. He looked around the yard, seeing nothing but people who looked nothing like Magnus. His world was spinning a bit but the piercing air seemed to clear his senses a bit. He stood there for a few moments trying to get his bearings and decide where to go.

He started down the steps and started following the path into the small wooded area next to the house. He wasn't sure why he started that way, but his feet just started going there on their own accord.

Alec followed the small path and finally, in a small clearing, he saw Magnus. Magnus looked small in the clearing. His face was upturned towards the sky and his arms hung limply at his side. The moonlight reflected off his tan skin and the glitter that Alec had become so accustomed to.

Alec felt his heart rise in his chest as he saw Magnus standing there. He started towards him, a twig crunching beneath his feet. Magnus' face jerked towards Alec and he saw as Magnus covered up the emotion that had been on his face just moments ago. Alec felt useless standing there. He wasn't sure what to say to Magnus and he was scared of saying the wrong thing. He wasn't good with this kind of thing. He wasn't good with emotion and he wasn't good with people; especially emotions and people that scared him as much as Magnus did.

Thankfully, Magnus was the first to speak. "I saw you with Anna."

_Shit. Of course he did. _A small part of Alec was hoping Magnus hadn't seen it.

"So, you like her?" Magnus looked up at Alec and he looked sad, defeated, and lonely.

"As a friend."

"That looked like friends with benefits to me."

"She came on to me. I didn't want it." Alec felt like he had to explain it to Magnus. It hurt knowing Magnus had seen it all since Alec wanted him, not Anna. He didn't want Magnus to think he had a thing with Anna. Alec had no idea if Magnus would reciprocate the feelings towards him but Alec still felt the way he did. And if in the case of some crazy miracle Magnus felt the same, Alec didn't want to ruin it.

"I see. I'm sure she told you everything about me." There was anger in his voice now.

"Depends what you mean by everything." Alec took a few more steps towards Magnus, stopping to stand two feet away from him. "She told me you're an asshole and it's not safe to be around you. Is that true?"

"Well, that's a matter of perspective."

Alec took a deep breath. "She also told me that you got Camille pregnant and forced her to have an abortion."

The silence that fell over them after Alec spoke was suffocating. Magnus straightened as he turned his face away from Alec, as if ashamed. Alec fought the urge to touch Magnus' shoulder. It felt like minutes passed before Magnus turned back to look at him.

"I did what I had to do."

"For you or for her?"

"For the both of us." Magnus sighed. "We were in the start of our relationship and we barely knew each other. Neither of us was ready to be a parent and there was a history in Camille's family of bad pregnancies. We didn't want to take the chance given the circumstance. Now I didn't force her, we both agreed that it was the best thing to do." Magnus turned away, covering up the pain in his voice. "But is that why you're here; to hear my sob stories so that you could decide how you wanted to judge me?"

"No, Magnus I…"

"I know what you're going to say and you can just forget it. I know what you're thinking and I don't need to hear it. I've heard it all already. You think I'm a bad person and I'm irresponsible and not man enough to face my own mistakes, right? And I know she told you more than that."

"She did."

"Then why are you still here?"

"To find out if any of it is true."

"Well that's more than anyone else has ever done." Magnus looked at Alec, a sadness glazing over his eyes. "I'm not a bad person Alec."

"I never thought you were." Alec closed the space between them, putting a hand on Magnus' shoulder. Their gaze met and Alec felt a wave of emotion wash over him. "I don't judge you for anything."

"You barely know me. How can you say that when you don't even know my past?"

Alec dropped his hand. "Why's the past matter? I see who you are now and I like that person. Do you think I'd ask you to dorm with me if I didn't like you? Do you think I'd be here now if I was judging you as you so believe? Yeah, I'll admit hearing what Anna said had me asking myself questions about you, but I knew that there was a reason that you did what you did. I knew that you were not that person she thought you were. I don't judge you Magnus. You've given me no reason to." Alec paused, searching Magnus' eyes for a reaction. He saw softness come over Magnus and watched as his muscles relaxed. They stared at each other for a few moments, neither making the motion to speak. Alec really didn't judge Magnus, and he honestly couldn't find a good reason to judge him. He understood where Magnus was coming from and Alec would probably feel the same, so he found no reason to feel the way Magnus thought he did. Alec just hoped Magnus believed him.

Looking into Magnus' eyes, Alec felt the same feeling he had felt last night come over him. He felt his attraction toward Magnus overtake him and his whole body was now aching to touch Magnus and hold him. He wanted to kiss him. He wanted to tell Magnus how much he really felt about him and that he felt more than just a friend should for him.

Alec was about to speak when he found his lips stopped by the warm feel of Magnus' lips against his own. Alec's heart skipped a hundred beats as it flipped in his chest. The breath was stolen from his lungs as the feel of Magnus against him overtook his senses. Magnus's right hand came up to Alec's neck, resting there softly as he took Alec's lips with his own. Alec's head was swimming, his world falling from beneath him. This was what he had wanted. This is what he had dreamt about. But then why did it feel weird? Probably because he'd never technically kissed someone before, let alone a guy.

Alec pulled away slowly, feeling the heat rush to his cheeks. He couldn't bring himself to look at Magnus as Magnus' hand dropped from where it had settled on Alec's skin.

"I don't know if…We're drunk. Maybe we…" Reasons flashed through Alec's mind for why they shouldn't be doing it; why he shouldn't be doing it.

"I get it. I shouldn't have." Alec felt Magnus move to leave but Alec grabbed his arm to stop him, biting his lip as he looked up at Magnus. Meeting his eyes, Alec felt a wave of embarrassment flow through him. He wanted Magnus, but he didn't know how to do it. He'd never felt the way he did before and he was fumbling to decipher all his emotions. He was trying to bury the fear of his feelings for Magnus. He was trying to smother every little fear that that kiss had ignited inside of him. All his questions about himself were answered in that one second of physical contact and now he didn't know what to do. He wanted it in his heart but in his mind, he was more scared than he'd ever been before.

"Magnus, I want to, I do, but…"

"But what?"

_But I'm scared. I'm scared of what the world will think. I'm scared of what I am. _

But Magnus didn't make him feel scared. Magnus made him feel safe.

"But, you're just getting over a girlfriend." The words fell from Alec's lips in desperation as they were the only thing he could come up with. _Smooth Alec, real smooth. _

Alec saw the smile that pulled at Magnus' lips and he had the urge to crush those lips with his own. "That's a bullshit reason Alexander and you know it." Magnus looked into Alec's eyes. "Give me a better reason."

"I don't know how to do this." He felt the blood fill his face as he had never felt more self-conscious in his life. Now Magnus probably thought he was wrong in kissing him. Alec didn't know how to kiss and clearly Magnus did. Magnus would probably just laugh at him. _Great job Alec, great fucking job._

Magnus touched his hand lightly, brushing his fingers across Alec's knuckles. "That's ok, I'll teach you."

Alec looked up at Magnus feeling that same wonderful twinge in his stomach he got whenever he looked at him or thought about him. "You really want to do this, with me?"

Magnus laughed. "Of course I do. I've been wanting to do this with you since I first saw you."

Alec blushed as he bit again at his lower lip. It was at that moment that he buried his fears and just said 'Fuck it'. He wanted Magnus and those damn fears could wait until morning. "Me too."

"Good. But you're going to have to stop doing that." Alec's eyes shot up in surprise as he let go of his lip. Magnus grinned. "There." Magnus moved in again, capturing Alec's lips. Alec responded with intensity, moving his hand to brush against the side of Magnus's face. His hand slid under Magnus' earlobe, tracing his hairline. He had the urge to grab it and bring him closer but was stopped when Magnus' own hand touched Alec's hair. As he did, he captured Alec's lower lip and the sensation of his teeth grazing the inside sent Alec's world spinning. The ecstasy flowing through him was almost unbearable. Kissing Magnus was beyond anything he thought it would be. He moaned into Magnus' mouth and he could feel the smile that crossed Magnus' lips.

"You're better than I thought Lightwood."

"Is that a compliment?"

Magnus laughed. "Yes." He captured Alec's lips again, his hand travelling down Alec's side as he pulled Alec closer. They remained that way for the rest of the night, their lips locked together. Magnus never tried to go any farther and Alec was perfectly happy that he didn't. Alec was just happy where he was and he didn't want to ruin that. He wanted to stay in Magnus' arms in that minute for the rest of his life. He'd never felt so happy, so elated. He never thought that someone could make him feel whole and so at peace. But Magnus did that to him. Magnus made him forget the world and all his fears that he held in his heart.

* * *

There you have it, Magnus and Alec are together. Please leave a review and let me know what you think. And stay tuned for more. What will become of them? Will Alec's fears get in the way? You'll just have to see. Thanks for reading!

Be the change,

Amber


	7. Undeniable

Chapter 7

Undeniable

**Copryright: I do not own Mortal Instruments or the characters. Those belong to Cassandra Clare. All orginal ideas and concepts are the property of yours truly.**

Hey guys! So my beta got this back to me within one night which is amazing. Now I know this chapter's more on the short side of events but I wrote what I found needed to be written for this chapter, so hopefully you guys all like it. Alright, so here you are and enjoy!

Songs:

Words Meet Heartbeats-Parachute (Alec and Magnus-Bathroom)

I Wanna Hold Your Hand-The Beatles/Across the Universe/Glee

Phoenix Burn-Alpha Rev

Hey-Backseat Goodbye

* * *

Magnus listened to the soft snoring of Alec filling the dorm room. He couldn't help but smile as he remembered last night. It had been everything he imagined and more. Alec had been perfect. Magnus had never before felt the way he did last night with him in his arms. It felt so easy with Alec. Magnus didn't feel like he was trying to be something he wasn't and that was one thing he had always wanted. He didn't see any judgment in Alec's eyes. He just saw innocence and understanding. He saw a man who was rare in the world and he saw a man that he wanted all to himself.

Magnus still couldn't shake the image of Alec's face when he admitted he didn't know what to do. Alec looked so ashamed and embarrassed yet Magnus found the whole thing adorable. He loved how awkward Alec was and how unsure every one of his movements were. He also loved that he was everything Magnus wasn't. Alec was a dreamer, he was innocent, he was completely clueless sometimes, and he was absolutely everything Magnus had ever wanted. Magnus had never fallen for someone as quick as he had fallen for Alec and he thought that was only for the movies but here he was, watching the adorable boy that had stolen his heart. Here he was, happier than he had been in years.

Magnus smiled as Alec shifted in his bed, the sunlight glaring off his hair just right. Alec was so beautiful when he slept. It wasn't that he wasn't beautiful awake but here, Magnus was able to just stare at him. Here, he was able to trace each line of Alec's face and body with his eyes. Here he was able to linger on the small indentation of his collarbone and the slight curve of his nose. It was in this hour that Magnus was able to capture in his mind a beautiful image of Alec that he had every urge to draw.

Magnus went to grab his sketchbook when Alec's eyes fluttered open. An instant flush painted Alec's pale skin as he noticed Magnus staring at him. Alec buried his face in the pillow as he took note of the whole situation.

"There's no need to hide your face Alexander."

Alec looked back up at Magnus tentatively, his face still a dark shade of red. "How long have you been there?"

"About a week now I think."

Alec smiled at Magnus' literal statement. "I mean, you know…"

"Looking at you?" Alec nodded. "That's been about four weeks. Of course, you've been doing the same."

Alec buried his head again and it brought a smile to Magnus' face. "It's nothing to be ashamed of Alec. I love that you found the need to go out of your way to 'accidentally' sit at my tree."

"God, you figured that out?"

"I'm a genius, what can I say?"

Alec sat up slowly as he met Magnus' gaze. "So, last night…"

Magnus went to speak when Alec's phone went off on the bedside table. Alec looked at it as he heard the small rumble from Alec's stomach. "You answer that. I'm going to go grab us something to eat."

Alec watched as Magnus left the room, the scent of him lingering in the room and on Alec. He looked back at his phone, cursing it for interrupting. He was definitely going to rip Jace a new asshole. But it wasn't Jace. It was Anna. Alec felt his spirit sink as he looked at the number. It's not like it was early or anything-he had chosen to sleep until 12:30-but still he did not want to talk to Anna. He didn't know what to say to her. He knew he didn't want what she did but he didn't know how to tell her that. Alec wasn't good with confrontation like that, or at all for that matter.

Alec moaned as he picked up his phone, hitting the talk button as he put it to his ear. "Hello?"

"Hey Alec, it's Anna." Anna was way too happy for Alec's liking at that moment. "How are you?"

"Tired. You?"

"Good. Look, I wanted to talk to you about last night."

"Anna…" Alec really didn't want to talk about last night. At least, he didn't want to talk about the part with Anna. The part with Magnus would be perfectly fine.

"Please just hear me out."

"Alright."

"I know I shouldn't have come on to you last night. It was wrong of me and I apologize for my behaviour. But, I want you to know I like you Alec. You're different than the other guys and I feel like we really connect." Alec felt his world close around him more and more with each passing second. _Great job Alec. Now you've got two people who like you when a month ago you couldn't even get someone to look at you like that. _But Alec knew which one he wanted. He knew that he wanted Magnus. He was scared of wanting Magnus but he knew in his heart that it was what he wanted. Anna was a friend. She was a simple attraction that went no further than friendship and anything more than that was false. Kissing Anna wasn't like kissing Magnus. Kissing Anna didn't fire up anything inside of him but Magnus brought him into an inferno far beyond anything that seemed natural. Anna was just a crush-a crush that he forced himself to have to peel himself away from Magnus. But it hadn't worked and now Alec had a friend who wanted more than just friendship. At least now he could give Jace Anna's number if Clary fell through.

"Anna, I respect our friendship and I don't want to ruin it. I'm sorry if I gave you the impression otherwise." Cue Jace punching him in the face and calling him an epic failure for letting her go just like that.

"That's what I thought." Anna let out a small, disappointed breath. "I'm sorry. Now I've ruined things between us."

"No, no. Anna I still want to be friends with you. I just…"

"Don't want anything more than that. I understand perfectly." She paused. "Well, have a good weekend Alec. I'll see you on Monday." Alec looked down at his phone mournfully as Anna hung up. So that was definitely not what he had expected or wanted.

He felt extremely confused. The last few days had been a whirlwind of events and a roller coaster of emotion. His feelings for Magnus had grown exponentially to a state where Alec was bursting with them and the events of last night were playing like a movie, repeating over and over in his mind.

Being with Magnus felt perfect. He wasn't really sure what to make of it or of them, but it just felt perfect. He felt like Magnus was the missing puzzle piece to all of his problems. He felt like by giving himself up to Magnus like that, he was finally giving himself over to who he was. It felt good to feel the admittance within him. It felt a bit like there was a weight lifted from his shoulders and now all he wanted was to be himself with Magnus.

Alec didn't know what Magnus thought they were and he didn't know either. He wanted a relationship with Magnus, but was that what he wanted? True, they'd only known each other for four weeks, but it happened in the movies and in books right? People fell head over heels, and like those people, Alec was head over heels for Magnus. He was scared of committing to him but he knew that if he was to ever commit to a relationship with another man, it was Magnus he should do it with.

Alec stood up slowly, putting his phone on the bed as he made the effort to walk to the bathroom. He figured he might as well brush his teeth before he even considered anything with Magnus. He may have never kissed anyone before but he knew it was the decent thing to do. Alec opened the bathroom door, grabbing his toothbrush and toothpaste from one of the drawers. He didn't even make the effort to look in the mirror, as he already knew he looked horrible. Mornings were not his best friend. As Alec brushed his teeth, he heard the dorm door open as Magnus walked in, humming some tune Alec couldn't quite distinguish. The smell of freshly cooked blueberry muffins and coffee filled the room. The smell brought a smile to Alec's face as he realized that Magnus had grabbed Alec's favourite breakfast food. So twenty questions did pay off. Who knew?

Alec spit into the sink, rinsing his mouth out before splashing a handful of cold water on his face to wake himself up. He looked up into the mirror as he heard Magnus walk into the bathroom.

"What is that?"

"That, darling, is a hickey." Magnus came up behind Alec, wrapping his arms around his waist as he kissed the bare flesh of Alec's neck where the blood had surfaced. "I personally like to think it's me marking you."

"Marking me?"

"Well, if that's what you'd like."

"What do you mean?"

"If you want me." Alec looked into the mirror, meeting Magnus' eyes with his. A warm sensation flowed through him that brought an utmost happiness to each of his senses. _If you want me. _Of course he wanted him, but did Magnus really ask him that? It was like a dream; a blissful, beautiful dream that Alec never wanted to wake from.

Alec blushed as he pulled his gaze away from Magnus'. "I…Yes…But…"

"Your 'buts' are killing me Alexander."

"But…do you really want me?" The words fluttered out of his mouth as he felt the heat rise more fiercely. Alec didn't feel like he was worthy of Magnus.

He laughed, kissing Alec's neck once again as he pulled him closer to his chest. "Of course I do. I don't just give my marvelous self to anyone."

Alec turned around in Magnus' arms so he could look directly into his eyes. He was so close that his head almost hit Magnus' nose. He had to move back a bit to make a comfortable distance but Magnus' arms were still around him, holding him where he was.

"I've never done this, with a woman or a man." Alec saw the understanding in Magnus' eyes. "I mean I honestly don't know what to do."

"That's ok with me."

Alec felt a shiver run through him. "So then what does that make us?"

"Whatever you want us to be." Magnus brushed a loose curl of hair from Alec's forehead, pushing it behind his ear. Magnus' hand lingered there, at Alec's neck as he searched his eyes.

"I want you."

"Then it's settled, because I want you too." Magnus pulled Alec towards him, their lips meeting. Alec felt the same fiery rush flow through him, as he had felt the night before. He felt like he was floating, lost in some world he didn't know existed.

Alec felt Magnus' tongue slip through his lips and he shivered. Magnus' tongue ran over the top of his mouth as Alec felt his back hit the bathroom counter. His tongue nipped at Alec's teeth as Alec placed a hand on Magnus' side. He pulled Magnus closer wanting to feel Magnus against him. He never thought that he could react like this to physical contact. Magnus grounded him and yet he felt like there was no ground. He lost everything in his embrace yet he had everything he wanted. The passion in Magnus' kiss was overwhelming and torturing. Each movement of his tongue and lips sent Alec catapulting into a new dimension. It was perfect, irresistible and perfect. Alec was lost in Magnus' embrace and he didn't want to be found. He wanted to remain lost and happy forever, frozen in that beautiful moment with Magnus.

Alec moaned against Magnus' mouth as Magnus pulled away slowly. He continued to place soft kisses on Alec's neck and collarbone, causing a blazing trail to erupt on Alec's skin. Magnus' hand moved up Alec's side, stopping at the centre of his back as he returned to Alec's lips. An explosion of electricity was ripping through Alec, shooting through every inch of his body. Every thought dropped from Alec's mind as Magnus took Alec's bottom lip between his, grazing it with his teeth as he destroyed any sense of self control Alec had left.

He didn't know that it was possible to fall as hard as he was at that moment. Magnus awakened him and threw away every insecurity and fear he had. Alec just felt right for the first time in his whole life. He didn't know what would happen between them but at that moment, he really didn't care. He just wanted to be with Magnus. He wanted to hold on and never let go, staying there with him as long as could.

Magnus pulled away from him and disappointment flooded through Alec. Their eyes met as Magnus smiled, his arms still holding Alec in place. "Let's go eat." Alec's stomach had taken that moment to proclaim its feelings and he felt a blush form over his face. _Way to ruin the moment Alec._

Magnus took Alec's hand as he pulled him out of the bathroom and into the dorm. The room smelled of coffee, blueberry muffins, and Magnus. He led them over to his desk where Magnus had placed the food. Alec knew the coffee would be cold but he couldn't care less. Magnus grabbed one of the muffins turning to present it to Alec.

"Eat."

"But…"

"I won't hear of it Alexander." Magnus just glared at him and Alec could do nothing but give in to Magnus' demand. Alec took the muffin from Magnus, taking a bite out of it. Magnus grabbed his own muffin, taking his own bite as he looked at Alec.

"How do you do that?"

Magnus swallowed. "Do what?"

"Make me do things I don't want to do."

Magnus smiled. "It's a gift. Helps too that you have the inability to say no to me."

Alec went to defend himself but his mouth just simply opened and closed. Magnus was right. He didn't have the ability to say no to him. He had tried to but he could never do it.

Alec looked down at his muffin, defeated as Magnus grinned. As Alec finished his muffin and coffee, one question kept nagging at him. It was a question he had had since the night before but had pushed it aside because he wasn't sure whether he should ask it and if he even wanted to hear the answer.

Magnus slid his arms around Alec's waist, the warmth of Magnus against him pushing those thoughts away. Magnus kissed his lips softly before pulling away.

"What are you thinking about?"

"Hm? Oh, nothing." _Am I really that predictable?_

"If this is too fast Alec, we can slow down."

"No. No. This is fine. I just…"

"What?"

"Why me?" Alec bit his lip self-consciously. He didn't really know why Magnus had chosen him and a part of him-the part that asked the questions- didn't feel like he deserved Magnus.

Magnus laughed and Alec looked up at him in fear.

"Why are you laughing?"

Magnus sobered, meeting Alec's eyes. His eyes didn't show anything Alec thought they would. "Because you ask a hell of a lot of questions." Magnus smiled, putting a hand on the side of Alec's face. He brushed his thumb across Alec's skin sending a shiver through him. "Do you really want to know why I like you?"

"I don't know. Maybe. Yes."

Magnus put a finger on Alec's lips. "Shh. I like you for a thousand reasons. I like how you appreciate good music, you can joke about boring old guys in wigs, you can quote old movies, you don't know anything about fashion, and you are completely oblivious to when I'm trying to flirt with you." Alec opened his mouth but simply closed it yet again. "I like how you make me feel safe. I like how I don't feel judged or misunderstood by you. I like how I feel complete with you." Magnus was saying everything Alec would have said to him, except for the flirting part of course. Magnus was saying everything Alec hadn't expected him to say. "Is that what you wanted to hear Alec, because I can keep going?"

"No. That's good." Magnus had just vanished all of Alec's worries with his words and Alec had never felt as happy as he did at that moment. Alec pulled Magnus toward him by his shirt, meeting his mouth with Magnus'. This time it was his turn to delve his tongue into Magnus' mouth. He didn't know exactly what he was doing but he followed Magnus' example and his instincts. He explored Magnus' mouth with his tongue, sliding it over his teeth and gums. He pulled his tongue out as the sudden capture of Magnus' mouth had left Alec slightly breathless.

"So why did you make me spill my heart to you?" Magnus said against his mouth.

"I just wanted to hear you say it."

"And are you happy?"

"Yeah, I'm happy."

* * *

Magnus slid out from underneath the covers, putting his feet on the ground softly. He looked across the room to see Alec sleeping, the covers covering his waist and his arms thrown over his head. The moon reflected off of his sleeping figure, bringing a smile to Magnus' face. Alec was his. The beautiful, amazing boy was his. Magnus had never wanted anyone as much as he had wanted Alec and the day that they had shared had been one of the best days of his life. It was like his feelings for Alec literally grew with every passing second. He hadn't pushed Alec any further than a kiss and he wasn't going to until he knew Alec was ready. Magnus knew the whole thing was new to Alec, Alec didn't have to tell him that. But it didn't bother him that Alec didn't know what to do. Magnus actually found it adorable that Alec was a virgin in every sense of the word. But for someone who didn't know what to do he definitely knew what to do with his tongue. Magnus had never felt such a fire within himself as he did when he kissed Alec.

Magnus had the urge to finally draw Alec there but the moonlight didn't supply enough light to give Magnus the view he wanted. Right then and there he could have just stared at Alec for the rest of the night, but he wanted to draw. He needed to or that night he wouldn't get anymore sleep.

Magnus stood up quietly throwing on a pair of pajama pants as he grabbed his sketchbook from his bedside table. Magnus went to cross the room, stopping as he almost tripped over the sleeping form of Chairman Meow. The cat had actually adjusted better to the new living quarters than Magnus had thought, which was good because he wouldn't be able to part with the cat and at that point, he didn't want to part with Alec either. Chairman Meow had noticed the change in his relationship with Alec and it had taken some convincing on Magnus' part to get him to accept it. He was still grouchy about having to share once again but he liked Alec, which was a start.

Magnus stepped over the cat, closing the distance to the door. He took one last look at Alec before leaving. Magnus moved quietly though the hallways as he made his way to the roof. The roof was off limits but no one was up at that hour to catch him. Two nights after moving in with Alec he had gone looking for such a place as the roof and had been going every night since. He wasn't sure whether Alec was aware of his nighttime spot but he wouldn't be surprised if he did. Alec had the ability to find the spots that made Magnus happy.

The roof gave way to a beautiful panorama of the school campus and at night, Magnus could just see the lighted city in the skyline. The late September air nipped at his skin but it didn't bother him. The cold actually soothed him, calming the fires within his soul.

Magnus flipped open his book to a blank page, posing his pencil on the endless white page. He looked up at the skyline, taking a deep breath. The memories had started to plague him and they had woken him in the dead of the night. Magnus was actually happy that he hadn't woken Alec. He wasn't ready to tell Alec the truth, not yet. The only thing that knew the truth was the sketchbook in his hand and the many others under his bed. His mother had gotten him into art. She had been a painter and had had a bright future ahead of her. When Magnus was born she had put painting on the back burner but when he got older, she always planned on starting again. She always dreamed of one day owning her own gallery. He remembered her as the one who, when it first started, had put that sketchbook in his hand and said draw. She was the one who told him to let it all out and tell his story. He had never stopped drawing since that day and now, every time he put pencil to paper, he saw his mother's face. Drawing brought his mother back and allowed Magnus to flood the bad memories away with all the good ones.

Magnus started drawing, engulfing himself in the happiness as the darkness drained onto the paper. It flowed through him into small charcoal tendrils that dipped and curved around each other. Lines met in an uneven balance, folding and twisting into a reflection of Magnus' soul. Magnus lost himself there, the world draining away around him.

Magnus jumped at the sound of footsteps behind him. He turned around to see Alec standing there. Alec looked embarrassed for having interrupted him. He had on one of his holey sweaters and his arms were tucked around himself to block out the evening chill. He had neglected to put anything on his feet. Magnus smiled at the site of Alec there, already shivering from the cold and red from embarrassment.

Magnus was actually glad Alec had come. He had been expecting him sooner actually, but he wouldn't be surprised if Alec had been there all along and Magnus just hadn't noticed. He closed his notebook, setting it down on the ledge next to him.

"Well don't just stand there and freeze. Come here." Alec walked over to Magnus slowly. Magnus wrapped his arms around Alec's waist pulling him flush against him. Together they looked out over the roof at the campus below them. His body was warm against Alec's cold skin.

"You're hot," said Alec.

"I already knew that darling, but thanks for the compliment."

A few seconds passed between them as Magnus felt a light flow through him. Alec was the first to break the perfect silence. "It's beautiful. Is that why you come here?" Alec looked up into Magnus' face.

"Yes. That and this place lets me be alone with myself. The air, the view, it all gives me time to think."

"About what?" Alec's eyes searched his.

"About everything."

"Do you think about the things in your drawings?" His question was innocent and although it pierced Magnus' heart it didn't hurt. Alec didn't make remembering everything hurt. He made remembering easier and it was probably because he knew Alec would help him through it. Magnus had nearly bared his whole soul to Alec when he woke that night and now Alec knew more about Magnus than he knew.

"Yes." They both fell silent.

"Magnus?"

"Hm?"

"What happened?"

"A lot, my love. A lot." Magnus pulled Alec closer to him, reveling in the feel of Alec's body against his own. "But tonight's not the night for that."

He felt Alec chipping away at the walls around his heart. Magnus had had relationships but he had always hid a part of his heart away in fear of getting hurt again. He didn't want to lose anyone else he loved because he knew his heart wouldn't be able to take it. He had hidden that part of his heart from Camille, so losing her hadn't been so hard. But now he felt Alec slowly finding his way through the labyrinth of his soul. He found Alec climbing the walls and breaking through each and every brick. For every brick he tried to put back up, Alec broke away ten more. Magnus didn't know what he'd do if Alec got through. No one had seen the real him since he was 10 years old. He had vowed at that age to never love someone the way he loved her and he had kept it that way for 11 years.

But now he found himself feeling a part of his heart that had been cold for a very long time. Now he found himself loving when he had told himself he wouldn't.

Magnus looked down at Alec, kissing him softly on the top of his head. Magnus had never felt so whole in his life and he wanted this moment to last forever.

* * *

So there you go. What did you all think? Let me know in a review if you want. And I thank all of you who reviewed, favourited, and alerted the last chapter, you are absolutely positively terrific. And to all of you who have been reviewing each and every chapter and have stuck with me this far, you are a thousand and one synonyms for the word amazing. But in general, anyone's who has simply read this story, you guys are great. Anyway, no promises on having the next chapter up fast. My beta's working everyday plus school and I've got a bunch of school stuff too so we will try, try, try try to get the next chapter out as fast as we can. Again, thank you all for reading.

Be the change,

Amber


	8. Unforced

Chapter 8

Unforced

**Copyright: Sadly I do not own Mortal Instruments, Cassandra Clare does. But, all original ideas and concepts are the intellectual property of me.**

I would just like to quickly thank all you wonderful people who have reviewed, alerted, and favourited this story, you guys are extremely amazing. And just thanks to anyone who has been sticking with me through all of this, I wouldn't be able to do it without all of you. I would also like to thank my amazing beta Puckleberry .G, the woman is absolutely amazing. Anyway, here you go and hopefully you guys like it.

Songs:

Amazing-Hedley

You and Me-Lifehouse

Twilight-Thriving Ivory

(Three of my top 10 favourite bands right there. Please do listen to the rest of their music. They are amazing.)

You and I-Bare

(Just for fun. Amazing musical by the way and expect to probably see it a lot in coming chapters. This musical is on my writing playlist and gives me inspiration whenever I write. Listen to the music in it and you'll probably get an idea of what I mean.)

* * *

Alec sat on his bed staring at the ceiling. Magnus was at class and the dorm was peacefully silent except for the sporadic purring of Chairman Meow. Alec hadn't had much ambition that day to do anything except lay there replaying the last six days in his head. It still felt like he was in a dream, and with each passing second he found himself being dragged further and further down into the white oblivion. He didn't feel worthy of the happiness the last six days had brought him. He had spent every possible moment he could with Magnus who had grown to be everything he could have imagined.

Magnus made Alec feel safe in a world full of hatred and judgment. He stole away all of his fears of who he was and slowly, Alec was beginning to forget about other people. They hadn't gone public with anything yet and Alec was okay with that. Magnus had said to him that they would take baby steps. Alec felt bad, like he wasn't living up to what Magnus wanted. But Magnus never once appeared to regret being with Alec and not once did he look disappointed. He told Alec that he had been him once and it was hard to adjust to such a new experience. Magnus had been great in helping him adjust. His fears were being alleviated, but they were not gone and they still haunted him wherever he went.

It had all happened so fast and Alec was still trying to wrap his head around it. The way he felt for Magnus was not only foreign but it was beautiful and ferocious and completely and utterly undeniable. All his feelings he had had for Jace now seemed childish and insignificant. All he had had on Jace was a childhood crush that was his way of coping with who he was. He felt relieved to feel his emotions for Jace subsiding and new emotions for Magnus taking over. It wasn't easy to know he liked Magnus but it was easier than liking Jace.

Alec's phone went off on his bedside table to Isabelle's ringtone. Alec smiled. He hadn't spoken to his sister in two weeks, as the both of them had been busy with school… and boys. Alec picked up the phone, hitting the talk button.

"Hey Iz, how are you doing?"

"Wonderful. And you?"

"Never been better." Alec sat up, stretching his neck as he spoke.

"Huh? Wouldn't have anything to do with that Anna chick would it?"

He and Anna actually hadn't been too bad recently. They had talked in class and, despite being in the second most uncomfortable position of his life, things were okay. Anna had come to terms with the fact that Alec didn't like her that way and they had decided to build a friendship. Things were good, or at least better than Alec thought they'd be.

"I see Jace wasted no time telling you about her."

"Well yeah, it's kind of a big deal. I love you bro and you know I want the best for you, but she's so out of your league she's Pluto."

"Thanks Iz. You and Jace really know how to make a guy feel good."

"It's one of my many skills. As for Jace, he doesn't swing that way unless he's extremely drunk. Now dish, I want to know about her."

"There's honestly nothing to know. We're just friends. There's nothing more between us."

"Okay then, any other girls?" Alec knew exactly where this was heading and he knew Isabelle meant it in all the good ways. He knew she knew about him even though he had never directly told her. But he had to give her credit for having figured it out. He never really feared Isabelle's judgment because he knew she knew and she hadn't treated him any differently. She still treated him the same as always and that was one of the many reasons he loved his sister. No matter what, he always knew she'd accept him.

"No."

"Any boys?" she asked playfully.

Alec didn't answer as his heartbeat quickened.

"Oh my god there is! Alec, spill! What's his name?" Isabelle's voice conveyed the same excitement Alec would have expected if Magnus was a girl and it was enlightening.

"Magnus." The biggest weight lifted from his shoulders with that one word. He had told someone. The one thing he was so scared of doing he had done. He had told his sister, the one person he had been the closest to-next to Jace- his whole life. Telling Isabelle felt amazing. Telling her felt like one more step out of the closet of fully accepting who he was. But there were still a few more steps and Alec wasn't willing to take those yet. "Please don't tell anyone," he pleaded.

"Why would I do that?"

"Because you have a tendency to forget to filter your words."

"Alec, I can keep a secret; especially if it's yours. I've been keeping the big one for two years already." The sincerity in her voice touched Alec. "Look, you're my brother and I love you; more than I care to admit sometimes, but I still love you. This is your secret to tell and I understand that perfectly. But as your sister Alexander I am entitled to be excited for you and I am also entitled to give you advice so you don't screw it up. So no, I won't tell anyone, and yes, you will tell me everything. Now start talking. What does he look like?"

Alec smiled. He really couldn't have asked for a better sister, even if she did drive him crazy three quarters of the time. "Beautiful. Amazing. Perfect. And about another 1000 words. He's…"

"Oh my god!" Isabelle's voice pierced though the phone catching Alec off guard.

"Why are saying 'oh my god'?"

"He's the sexy one you were staring at when we were there isn't he? The one at the tree with that slutty blonde on his arm."

"Yes, he is." Alec bit his lip. "You noticed that?"

"I noticed him. Then I noticed you looking at him. I really didn't think you had it in you Alec. I'm impressed."

"Thanks, I guess."

"So how'd it happen? And start from the beginning."

Alec sighed, as Isabelle was known for interrupting stories a million times if she thought you were leaving something important out. Alec took a deep breath as he started from the beginning, feeling slightly uncomfortable at first. It felt weird talking about it. He had never verbally expressed his feelings except to Magnus and it was weird enough to say them to someone else let alone his sister. But as the seconds passed, he grew more comfortable. Talking to Isabelle may be a hassle sometimes but she was a good ear when she wanted to be.

Alec finished his story, having had Isabelle interrupt only twice. He took a deep breath, exhausted and tired from the long story of the last month.

"I'm really happy for you Alec."

"Seriously?"

"Well I'm not saying it to waste my breath if that's what you think. Seriously Alec, I'm happy for you. When I complain about your moping it's because I see that you're not happy. You just always looked like you were living life in a fog and there was no happiness there. I never meant to be a pain in the butt, well maybe a little; I just wanted to try and kick-start you. I was tired of seeing you sad Alec. But now I hear a happiness in your voice that I haven't heard for years. I can tell that Magnus makes you happy and I'm hearing the Alec I used to know. I give the man a medal for ending your moping, I do." Isabelle paused. "But really, I am so happy for you and I will not tell anyone until you're ready."

"Thank you."

"Now don't be afraid of what you are Alec because it is beautiful, and I'm sure Magnus would agree with me." Alec looked up as the dorm door opened. Magnus walked inside, a smile on his face and a song on his lips. His hair had been straightened that day and hung in loose strands around his face. He had lidded his eyes with dark eyeliner and a small amount of glitter-which was a surprise-and he accented it with a dark blue jacket and silver skinny jeans. He looked beautiful in Alec's eyes, just as he always did. Magnus looked over at him with his glittered eyes, registered he was on the phone and continued to just give him a wink as he went about throwing his book bag on the ground.

"Speaking of Magnus, is that him?"

"Yes."

Isabelle squealed with excitement. "Put him on the phone."

Alec groaned. "Izzy, talking to you has been great but I don't know if Magnus would concur." Magnus looked over at him when he heard his name, an eyebrow cocked in questioning.

"Just put him on the phone. I want to talk to him."

"If you say anything bad…"

"Don't worry, I'll keep the embarrassing stories for Christmas dinner," she joked.

"Izzy, if you dare," Alec warned.

"I won't. Just put him on." Isabelle's voice had moved to sincerity. "Please."

Alec looked at Magnus who had proceeded to fix his makeup at his desk. Alec didn't know why he put the makeup on, he looked beautiful without it. But, it was Magnus and Alec liked him either way.

"Fine." There was no saying 'No' to Isabelle when she wanted something.

"Magnus?"

Magnus looked up from his desk. "Yes darling?"

"Um…my sister wants to talk to you."

...

Magnus cocked an eyebrow yet again as he stood up. He walked over to Alec, taking the phone from Alec's hand. This was sure to be interesting.

"Hello."

"Hi Magnus. I'm Isabelle, Alec's sister."

"Yes, he's said a lot about you."

"Good things I hope."

"Very good things. And if you look anything like your brother then I wouldn't doubt a word he says."

"A man who knows how to make a woman feel good. I like you. But tell me, do you know how to make my brother feel good?" Isabelle questioned earnestly.

"No complaints so far." Magnus looked at Alec who was biting his fingernail nervously. He smiled at his boyfriend's quirk. What could Isabelle possible say to him that was that bad?

"So what do want with my brother? A friend with benefits? A lover?"

"I want many things with your brother Isabelle. I want a friendship, I want a serious relationship and I want him. I know that what you're doing is looking out for your brother but I promise you I won't hurt him. I like him, a lot, and at this moment I don't want to hurt or lose him." Magnus met Alec's wide eyes as he spoke. "I care for him and I won't make him do anything he doesn't want to do. You have nothing to fear Isabelle. I will take care of him."

A few seconds passed before Isabelle spoke. "I never thought Alec would find someone like you."

"Well, with those sweaters finding someone can be pretty difficult," Magnus teased as Alec turned red.

Isabelle laughed. "You really care for my brother?"

"More than he knows." Magnus and Alec looked into each other's eyes as he spoke. He saw the questions swirl in Alec's blue eyes as he felt his heartbeat skip. Looking into those eyes Magnus couldn't help but think that he was the luckiest man alive to have Alec as his.

"Well just so you know, if you hurt my brother I will hunt you down and kill you. I will break each of your limbs before I castrate you and stab you in the heart." Her words were coated with more force and meaning than Magnus had ever heard. As much as he headed her words he also felt a happiness swell inside of him to know Alec had a sister than cared this much about him. "Do you understand?"

"Completely."

"Good." The cheerfulness returned to Isabelle's voice now that she was done playing the overprotective sister. "Now, what do you think of a shopping date next time I come down?"

Magnus smiled. He liked this woman. "Now you're speaking my language. That sounds like a beautiful idea."

"Great. Talk to you later Magnus, and tell Alec I love him."

"I will."

Isabelle hung up as Magnus followed her actions, handing the phone over to Alec. Alec grabbed it tentatively. "Did she scare you away?"

"Well she did tell me that if I hurt you she would break each of my limbs, castrate me, and then stab me in the heart. Oh, and then she told me to tell you she loves you."

"Oh god." Alec buried his head in his hands as his face flushed red. "She did scare you away."

Magnus sat down on the bed in front of Alec, placing a hand on his to pull them away from his face. "She didn't scare me away. I think it's cute that she's so protective of you."

"Yeah, but it's my job to be the protective one, not her."

"She's allowed Alec. It's what siblings do."

Alec looked up into Magnus' eyes. "Do you have any siblings Magnus?"

"No." _And it's a good thing I didn't. _Magnus looked away slightly. He hated talking about family. He knew Alec was curious but there were some skeletons that needed to stay in the closet. Hashing up his family history was not a good idea and he hoped Alec could accept that.

"Why do you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Get that distant look on your face every time I ask you about your family?" Alec asked innocently.

Magnus sighed softly, looking up at Alec. He searched Alec's eyes slowly. "Alec, there are some things that are better left unsaid. Maybe one day I will tell you, but at this moment I can't. Do you understand?"

"Yes," Alec said. "If you don't want to tell me that's ok, but know I'll be here if you ever want to."

Magnus smiled weakly, rubbing his hand up Alec's arm. The contact sent electric waves through his body as his breath caught in his throat. "I know." I know. He wanted to tell Alec but it just wasn't that easy. But knowing Alec was there, ready to hear it all, made Magnus feel better. One day he'd tell him, just not today.

Magnus closed the small distance between their bodies, capturing Alec's lips with his own. The kiss was soft, just grazing the top of his need. He wanted Alec, more than he had ever wanted anyone else and it as like he said to Isabelle, he didn't want to lose or hurt Alec. He pulled away. He moved to Alec's neck, his teeth nipping the soft skin. His hands traced up Alec's biceps, caressing the lean muscle beneath them. Alec felt so good against him. It felt perfect, unlike anything he had ever experienced.

Alec fell against the pillow as Magnus pushed him down onto the bed. Their eyes met as a smile crossed Magnus' face.

"Do you know how lucky you make me feel?"

"No."

He smiled. "Very."

Alec blushed as Magnus closed the distance once again, this time kissing Alec more deeply than he had before. The kiss was passionate, filling him with an intense feeling of happiness. His tongue slipped through Alec's lips, caressing the sharp ends of his teeth. Magnus moved his hands to Alec's sides, caressing his hands up and under his shirt to lay against Alec's cool skin. The feel of Alec beneath him was amazing and he could only imagine what it would feel like to have all of Alec's skin against his own. He knew Alec wasn't ready for that and he was okay with that because right now he had all he needed.

Magnus pulled away, his tongue slipping out of Alec's mouth slowly. He placed one more soft kiss to Alec's lips before meeting his eyes. "Let me take you on a date tomorrow night."

"What?"

"You heard me." Magnus took Alec's hand in his own, staring at their entwined hands before looking back at him. "So will you let me?"

"Yeah. Ok. Where?"

"Well my love, you will just have to wait to find out." Magnus placed Alec's hand behind his head, holding it there as he kissed Alec yet again. They remained that way in perfect bliss for the rest of the day, savouring the moment together.

* * *

"Really? Do you have to blindfold me?" Alec asked, standing who knew where as he listened to Magnus move about.

"Yes, darling, I do."

Alec groaned. He knew he was outside, the cool autumn air told him that much. There was no noise but the sound of breathing, his beating heart, and Magnus' movement. When Magnus had said he was going to take him on a date he wasn't sure what to expect. But the thought of spending a romantic night together was wonderful. He'd been anxious all day and it didn't help that Magnus wouldn't tell him what they were doing.

"Alright. We're good." Alec flinched when he suddenly felt Magnus' hands reach behind his head to untie the blindfold, which was actually a very glittery blue scarf that was amazingly soft.

The scarf fell from Alec's face as he was blinded by the onslaught of the different lighting. He stood on a hill overlooking the city skyline and above him sparkled dozens of stars. One single tree was planted on the hill and underneath it Magnus had set up a blanket, a basket, and lanterns that shone brightly in the night. It was beautiful. It was not what Alec had expected and yet it was perfect.

Alec smiled, looking at Magnus. He felt his heart swell in his chest. "It's beautiful."

"I knew you'd like it." Magnus grinned. "See, corny or not twenty questions does have its benefits."

Alec blushed. Magnus had asked him to describe his perfect date location and at the time he hadn't thought anything of it, but now he understood perfectly the meaning behind Magnus' asking.

Magnus met Alec's gaze as he placed the scarf around Alec's neck.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm fixing your wardrobe darling." Magnus wrapped the scarf around his neck, fixing it before stilling his hands on Alec's chest. "I told you this was your colour." Magnus pulled on the scarf, taking Alec to him as he pressed his lips against his. The kiss was soft and slow and Alec knew that that night would be perfect. It was his first date, his first boyfriend, and the first time he had ever felt for someone the way he did for Magnus.

Magnus pulled away, both of them smiling. He took Alec's hand in his, leading him over to the blanket and food he had set up. They both sat down as Magnus took out a bottle of champagne. He poured two glasses, handing one to Alec. He held his up in the air as he looked at Alec. "To us and new beginnings."

Alec smiled, hitting his glass on Magnus' before taking a sip. He looked at Magnus over the glass, feeling the champagne flow through his body. The moon reflected off Magnus, glistening in the deep green of his eyes. The glitter sparkled marvelously against his tan skin and Alec wished at that moment he hadn't failed at art as a child so he could draw him.

Magnus put down his glass to grab the food and Alec watched him. His heart was racing about a million miles an hour. He had never done something like this before and he was scared of making a mistake. What if he didn't live up to Magnus' expectations and he disappointed him? What if he messed up? He tried to calm his nerves and focus on the good thoughts flowing through his mind. It all just felt so surreal and so amazing. Sitting there on the hill, with only Magnus and the stars as company, the whole world drained away. He didn't care about what the people below thought; he just cared what Magnus thought. He just wanted to be with Magnus and enjoy that moment with him as long as he could. He was happy. He was always so scared he would never be happy because of who he was, but here he was. Happy.

...

"And there's Libra," Alex pointed out, tracing the stars in the sky. He looked over at Magnus who was watching him with interest. "What?"

"I just think it's adorable that you know so much about the stars when I can't even find the Big Dipper."

"It was a hobby when I was younger." Alec blushed.

"Any others?"

"Many. Like, did you know that the guy who voiced Bugs Bunny was actually allergic to carrots? It's pretty ironic."

Magnus laughed, shaking his head. "No. I did not." He met Alec's gaze, raising a hand to brush a loose strand of black hair behind Alec's ear. He left his hand there as he propped himself up on his elbow. He looked down at Alec who, in the moonlight, looked just as beautiful as ever. Their night together had been everything Magnus had wanted and more. He felt so at ease with Alec and everything around him just seemed to slip away. He wasn't scared of what Alec would think or what might happen but was simply happy in that moment. His heart felt like it was alive in his chest, a quality it hadn't had for years. He felt like Alec was breaking through everything he had put up to protect his heart. He had never let his guard down with anyone, and now, here with Alec, it was slipping out of his hands. He was scared of what might happen if Alec got all the way through. Everyone who his heart had known had left him and he couldn't bear losing another person. He couldn't bear losing Alec if his heart ever came to know him. He needed to know that if he was going to fall for Alec, that it would be the right thing to do.

"Alec, what do you want?"

"What do you mean?" Alec looked at Magnus quizzically.

"Between us. What do you want?"

"Magnus, why are asking me this?" Alec propped himself up on his elbow to better meet Magnus' eyes.

"I just want to know." Magnus searched Alec's eyes as he waited for an answer. His heart caught in his chest. What was Alec going to say? He wanted Alec to say something that mirrored what he wanted. He wanted to know if both their heart's were falling together.

_Maybe he doesn't feel the same way. _

_He will. He has to._

Magnus could only hope that he did.

"I want everything I have right now, right here. I want you. I want you and nothing else. I want to continue to feel like this is the happiest moment of my life and I want to hold onto it for as long as I can. I want it to just be you and me, together."

Yeah, his heart was falling. It was falling and it was falling hard.

Damn it.

When he had found himself liking Alec he had never thought it would become what it was now. He pretty much thought Alec would deject him or turn out to be straight. He had never thought to be here with him, underneath a rare star streamed sky wanting nothing more than to just be with him. He had never thought it was possible to fall so hard so fast, yet here he was, a complete example of that.

With anyone else, Magnus would have gone running but with Alec, he didn't want to run. He wanted to stay and make him a part of his life. Magnus wanted to protect his heart and yet he was thinking he wanted to let Alec in. His heart was telling him to go for it, and if his heart said so, he'd do it.

"Are you sure?"

"I've never been more sure."

Magnus smiled, looking at the adorable blue-eyed boy he got to call his own. "You know, once you've had me in your life there's no going back."

"I think I'll live." Alec bit his lip. "Now just kiss me."

"Well, since you asked." They both smiled as Magnus closed the distance between them to kiss Alec. He placed a hand on Alec's back to pull him closer as the kiss slowly intensified with undeniable passion. Alec's tongue slipped through his lips, sliding over his teeth and rubbing at his gums, apparently more daring than he normally was. Magnus savoured every second of it and quickly gave himself over to the moment.

Alec pushed harder into the kiss, the intensity between them becoming almost unbearable. Alec's hand fell on Magnus' neck, tracing through his hairline to grab his hair. Alec pulled lightly, and with the connection already between them and the hard bulge against his leather pants, it was enough to push Magnus over the edge.

"Oh, god," he moaned against Alec's mouth.

Alec pulled away quickly, embarrassment on his face. "Did I do something wrong?"

"No, you did everything right. I swear you're out to torture me."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I…"

"Just shut up." Magnus smiled as he took Alec's lips in his again, this time shifting their weight so that he was overtop of Alec. One hand went to the ground next to Alec's head while the other went to Alec's hip. He pushed harder into the kiss, letting it overtake his senses. Sparks flew between their bodies and Magnus felt happier than he had felt in years. He gave himself over to Alec as Alec did the same to Magnus, both their hearts melding together in the cold midnight.

Magnus snaked his hand up under Alec's side as Alec's hands went up Magnus' back. One of Alec's hands found its way into his hair as Magnus moaned against Alec's mouth. He pushed his hips against Alec's lightly, his whole body craving contact with Alec's.

The cold air nipped at his skin, cooling the electric heat pulsing through his veins. He never wanted the kiss to end. The contact with Alec made Magnus feel free and safe and at peace with everything. Alec made him feel alive and he made him feel like everything just didn't matter. He made him feel like for once in his life he had made a good choice.

Alec pulled away softly. "Magnus?"

"Yes my love?"

"Thank you." Alec trailed his hand absentmindedly through Magnus' hair, twisting a finger around a long strand.

"For what?"

"For the best night of my life."

"Oh sweetheart, there'll be many more of those to come." Magnus smiled and in his heart he knew this was the right thing to do. Being here, with Alec, was perfect.

* * *

So, was it good? I'd love it if you'd leave a review, it would really make my day. Anyway, thank you so much to everyone who is reading and I will get the next chapter up as soon as I can, which will be sometime before Christmas when my life gets crazy. But thanks for reading my lovely readers, you are all awesome.

Be the change,

Amber


	9. Unknown

Chapter 9

Unknown

**Copyright: Unfortunately I do not own MI or any of its characters. But, all original ideas and concepts to belong to me.**

Hello my wonderful readers. So this is probably the last chapter before the holidays. Quick warning: If you are uncomfortable with abuse please do not read the final part of the italics at the end. I would like to thank everyone who favourited, alerted, and reviewed the last chapter, you guys are unbelievably amazing. I would also like to thank –tayl0r. for the great chapter name suggestion, you are awesome and thank you so much. Finally I'm going to thank my beta Puckleberry Lightwood. MI. G who is absolutely amazing and a complete blessing and I couldn't do this without her help. Anyway, on with the story. Enjoy!

Songs:

Storm-Lifehouse (Magnus)

Whataya Want From Me-Adam Lambert (Magnus and Alec)

Confession-Red (Alec)

Best Kept Secret-Bare (Alec and Magnus-Relationship)

* * *

Alec's eyes fluttered open as his alarm pierced through his perfect dreams. He groaned, throwing a hand out to shut the alarm off. The sound cut out, leaving the room silent. He flinched when he felt Magnus' arm encircle his body, pulling him closer.

"Just 10 more minutes," Magnus whispered into Alec's ear.

Alec smiled as he remembered the weekend he had just spent with Magnus. Despite the numerous mosquito bites his skin was hosting, their date had been perfect and amazing. It was everything and more and when the sun came up in the morning, Alec couldn't honestly believe that they had spent the whole night there in each other's arms. They had only left because a new couple had chosen that hour to take up a make out session on the hill.

They had slept through the majority of their Sunday and had once again spent that night together in each other's arms. They just talked about life, about random things that had no purpose, and about themselves. Alec knew pretty much everything about Magnus, save facts about his family, which were few and far between. He never thought it was possible to know someone so well so quickly. With Magnus he felt like he could say anything, even if it was extremely embarrassing. He felt like Magnus had been the person he had been missing his whole life. He felt like Magnus was all he needed to obliterate his fears.

Magnus pulled Alec flush against his body, the inches of contact sending sparks through Alec's body. He kissed Alec's neck, laying a soft trail down his cold skin. "Good morning love."

"Good morning." He turned around to face Magnus. Magnus smiled, placing a few soft kisses on his lips. Magnus' face was void of make-up and his hair was straight and glitter free. Alec loved looking at him in that state; where he didn't have anything to hide his face. He brushed a hand across Magnus' cheek, pushing a few stray pieces of hair out of his eyes and behind his ear. "You do know you look beautiful without the make-up, right?"

"I do now." Magnus placed a hand on Alec's, taking it as he entwined his fingers with his. Magnus looked from their clasped hands to Alec's eyes. "So, what did you dream about last night?" An amused flame danced in Magnus' eyes as he spoke.

Alec couldn't remember but he knew it was probably Magnus. "I don't remember."

Magnus grinned. "Really? I guess I must have been mistaken when my name passed your lips then."

Alec blushed. "Oh god. I didn't?" He buried his head in the pillow.

"You really should consider making red part of your wardrobe. It really is your colour," Magnus teased.

Alec buried his head even deeper, his face getting redder by the second.

Magnus moved a hand to touch Alec's chin. He pulled his head from its hiding place, meeting his eyes. "But now, those eyes, well, that's a beautiful colour." Magnus brushed the pad of his thumb down the length of Alec's face, tracing each line slowly. Magnus' touch sent a chill down Alec's skin.

Magnus kissed Alec softly. His hand traced down Alec's side as he brought him closer.

Magnus went to kiss him harder when Alec's phone went off on the bedside table. He pulled away. "Son of a bitch."

Alec smiled, turning over to grab his phone. "It's Jace, and your 10 minutes is up. We have class to get to."

"Or…" Magnus took Alec's phone from his hand. "We could skip school and spend the day together without any unneeded interruptions."

Alec bit his lip. "As much as that offer is tempting, you and I both know we can't. Midterms, remember?"

"And your point is?"

"My point is that you may feel inclined to pay absolutely no attention in class, but I don't."

"It's not like it's my fault I don't pay attention. It's yours."

"Mine? How is it my fault?" Alec asked.

"Well, since I can't seem to keep my eyes off of you and all my thoughts are filled of ravishing you, you're kind of the centre of my inability to pay attention. Don't think you're the innocent one in the matter."

Alec's mouth opened and closed as he tried to form words.

Magnus grinned, kissing him on the lips quickly. "Now answer that phone before I murder your brother." Magnus got up out of the bed and headed for the bathroom.

Alec smiled as he watched the door close behind Magnus. He picked up his phone to view the texts that Jace had sent him. He scrolled down. Jace's impatience was seriously infuriating. He believed about half of the texts alone were yelling at him for not answering. Alec posed his fingers over the keyboard to reply.

**What the hell do u want?**

**well, j****esus, it's about time u answered. **

**I was busy.**

**busy. ok. anyway, did u hook up with a****nna?**

**No. Why?**

**well Iz has this crazy idea that ur gonna bring some1 home 4 Thanksgiving. i told her that's ridiculous since my pinky finger has more dating talent than u, but she insists.**

Alec wasn't sure whether this revelation made him mad at Isabelle or not. He looked over at the bathroom doorway. Would he be bringing Magnus home for Thanksgiving? He hadn't even considered it really, and if he did that meant telling everybody, and he didn't know if he was ready for that. Besides, it was too early in their relationship to be proclaiming something like that. Who knew where they'd be two months from now?

**Have u ever once considered having some faith in me?**

**in that category, no. but I do want to know what gave her such an idea.**

**I don't know. It's Isabelle, so can u rly b****e surprised?**

**not rly.**

**So how r u & Clary doing?**

**good, I guess. the girl knows how 2 play hard 2 get, & it doesn't help that kaelie's hanging from my arm every second of the frickin day.  
**

**Still?**

**yep. it makes it hard to even have a conversation with clary. but i try & i guess we'll just see where it goes. i really like her bro. i never thought it was possible, but she's different. she makes me feel something i've never felt b4.**

_Yeah, I know what you mean._

**So ur saying u actually have a heart?**

**screw off.**

**I'm just saying. Anyway, I g2g get ready for class. & Jace, plz learn some god damn patience.**

**only for u love. **

Alec shook his head as he put his phone back on the table. He swung his legs over the bed, rubbing his eyes with the backs of his hands. He stood up to get ready for class and was done an hour before Magnus.

* * *

Alec and Magnus sat in their European History class, once again listening to a monotonous, never-ending lecture by everyone's favourite teacher. He once again found himself distracted by Magnus. He knew he needed to stop but he was finding it more and more difficult with every passing day. He couldn't get over the fact that he was able to call Magnus his. This beautiful, glittering man was his. He had never thought this would be where he was. He had never thought that he would find someone who truly made him happy and he had just thought that he would lie about himself and put on a façade his whole life. Finding someone like Magnus had always been a dream, but it had always been a dream Alec deemed completely unreasonable. But here he was. And there, right beside him, was Magnus.

Alec was so engrossed in his thought process about his boyfriend that he didn't realize that Magnus had taken his hand with his. His first thoughts weren't about the sparks that the contact caused, but about the people around him. Had they seen that? What would they think? Alec pulled his hand away instinctively. He knew the moment he did it that he had made a mistake. He felt Magnus stiffen next to him and Alec felt his heart drop. He was such an idiot. Why did it matter what everybody else thought? Who cared? Alec cared. He cared because he was scared of what they would do, of how the world would see and judge him. And now, because he was so scared of how the world would see him, he had hurt the one person who did see him.

They hadn't talked about the relationship in public and Alec had never wanted to bring it up. He was just happy in his own little world that they shared in the dorm room and under the stars. He was happy with it just being him and Magnus, together, alone.

"I want that essay on my desk by Friday morning. You are dismissed." Professor Starkweather grabbed his briefcase and was out of the room before all the students, just as he was every day.

Magnus stood up beside Alec, threw his bag over his shoulder and was gone. Alec sat there defeated.

_Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! _

He hadn't intentionally meant to make Magnus mad. He had pulled away on impulse without even thinking about it, and now he had a lot of explaining to do. He had wanted to talk to Magnus about how he felt but he didn't want to ruin the perfect bliss he was feeling. Also, he feared Magnus would think being with him was fruitless because he was scared of going public. He figured his fears would make Magnus leave so he hadn't confronted them. But now he had to. If he didn't confront them, he would ruin any chance he possibly had with Magnus.

Alec stood up, slinging his bag over his shoulder. He was the last to leave the classroom and he was the first to arrive back at the dorm that night.

Magnus opened the door to the dorm. He walked inside to see Alec at his desk doing homework. He threw his bag on the ground, having finished his homework at the library after class. He had needed time to think. What Alec had done was small but it hurt. It made Magnus feel like everything they'd said and done meant nothing to him.

Baby steps. That was what Magnus had told him at the beginning because he knew Alec was nervous about the whole idea. So he had taken baby steps, at least, he had gone as slow as he could. He figured taking Alec's hand classified under that section, but he realized quickly that it didn't. He now understood that Alec didn't want a public relationship. It was hard. He wanted to flaunt Alec to the world and tell everyone that the adorable boy was his, yet Alec didn't want that. Alec wanted it to stay in the dorm room, where it was safe.

The whole thing brought back memories for Magnus when he first found out. He had been scared of the world knowing who he was. He had been so scared of the judgment and the looks and the hatred he knew he'd get. But it was different for him. He had always known it was a part of him and he had embraced it instead of run away from it. There was a time in his life where he did run, where he got the judgment Alec was afraid of. But he escaped that and he expressed that part of him with the rest of himself.

Magnus wanted Alec to know it was okay. There were people in the world that Alec was afraid of but there were also people in the world who would love him for exactly who he was. Yes, it hurt to have Alec pull away, but he understood. This was new to Alec and he was still trying to figure it out. Magnus had figured it out when he was 14 and had had 7 years to adapt to it. This was Alec's first experience and he needed guidance. He was willing to be that guidance. He cared about Alec more than he knew and he would be there for him.

But right now, he needed Alec to ask him for it. He needed Alec to admit out loud what he was afraid of. Alec needed to tell Magnus what he wanted and he would give it to him.

Magnus sat down at his desk, taking out a textbook to read. He wasn't really intending to read it but at that moment he wasn't up to doing much of anything.

The seconds passed slowly as Magnus waited.

"I'm sorry. I know I hurt you."

"Yeah Alec, you did." Magnus looked up from his book to meet Alec's gaze. "Why?"

Alec bit his lip as his gaze wavered. He seemed to be fighting inside and Magnus knew perfectly well what he was thinking about. "Because I'm scared." His eyes snapped up to meet Magnus'.

"What are you scared of Alec?"

"The world; what people will say, what they'll think." Alec paused, biting his lip. "Of me."

"Alec…"

"I know. It's pathetic."

"No. God no." Magnus stood up, crossing the room to kneel in front of Alec. He took his hands with his. Alec kept his eyes on the ground as Magnus tried to catch his gaze. "Alec, look at me."

Alec's eyes snapped up and the blush on his face was redder than Magnus had ever seen it. "It's not pathetic. It's natural. We've all been scared of what the world will think, of how they'll judge us. Everyone feels it Alec. Everyone is scared at one time in their life."

"But I shouldn't be scared of this."

"Why shouldn't you be? This is new and anything new is always scary." Magnus paused. "Why didn't you just tell me you didn't want anything public yet?"

"Because I thought you'd leave."

"Now why the hell would I do that? Alec, if you're not ready I'll wait."

"I don't expect you to wait forever."

"It's the things I do for like." Alec smiled. "There we go. There's that smile I've been waiting for." Magnus placed a hand on Alec's face, cradling his head in his hand. He closed the small distance between them, laying a soft kiss on Alec's lips. "I'll wait." Another. "As long." Another. "As you." Another. "Need." Another.

* * *

"_Mama?" Magnus looked up from his sketchpad to look at his mother. She was standing by her easel, painting for the first time in a very long time. Her black hair was held back in a loose bun and strands of hair fell around her angled features. Magnus looked just like his mother, minus his eyes, which were attributed to his father. He always thought she was beautiful, even with the blotches of purple and black paint that coated her skin._

_She turned to look back at Magnus, a smile on her face. "Yes sweetheart?"_

"_Can we go out?"_

"_Out where?"_

"_Out anywhere. The beach. The ice cream shop." _

"_Sure Magnus." Magnus didn't know then that they didn't really have the money for ice cream. But he learned later on after reflecting on these moments that she didn't care because she wanted to give everything he asked for."Just let me go wash up." She put down her paintbrush as she walked over to the kitchen to wash her hands._

_He closed his sketchbook, happy to be leaving the house. His father was gone, not that Magnus knew where; he had never asked. He just knew what state his father would be in when he came home, and that the few hours he had now were the best hours of his day. He wished he could run away from it all. Just run away and never look back. But he couldn't leave without his mother. He wanted to save her, to stop it all. But he couldn't stand up against his father. Looking down at his fists, his scrawny bones, and lengthy limbs, he knew he wouldn't even make a dent._

_And he was scared. He was so scared of what his father would do._

"_Alright, come on. Let's go get you some ice cream."_

_..._

"_And then...he flew off the building…landed on the car and caught the robber. Superman's my favourite superhero." Magnus said excitedly between mouthfuls of ice cream. "Who's yours? And don't you dare say Spiderman."_

_She laughed. "No. Batman."_

"_Batman? But Batman has no powers."_

"_Precisely. He solves crimes and saves the world without any superpowers. That's what truly makes him a superhero." _

"_So does that mean I could be a superhero?"_

"_Of course it does." _

"_I could call myself Captain Amazing, or Wolfman, or…"_

"_Alright my little superhero, eat your ice cream before it melts."_

_Magnus looked down at his ice cream, taking a bite as he bounced up and down on the bench with excitement. "A superhero. That's what I want to be when I'm older. A superhero. Just like you Mom."_

"_Like me?"_

"_Yeah. You save my world everyday and you do it without any superpowers." Magnus smiled up at his mother with a mouthful of ice cream._

_..._

_The front door slammed open, the force reverberating throughout the house. The sound woke Magnus from his sleep, piercing through his innocent dreams of superheroes. He knew what was coming; he had prepared himself all day for it. He knew his mother was downstairs waiting for him to come home. He always came home late, screaming for food and yelling at his mother for everything that had gone wrong in his day. The yelling was followed by the hitting. It was always followed by the hitting._

_Magnus grabbed his teddy bear, hugging it to himself. He imagined he was holding his mother, protecting her from the pain as she protected him. He tried to escape to another world like his mother told him to. Sometimes it worked, but sometimes, like tonight, it didn't._

"_It's all your fault!" Slap._

"_Please James. Just eat something and then go to bed. You've had a long day." _

"_Damn right I've had a long day!" Broken pot._

"_James, Magnus is sleeping, please," she pleaded._

"_Let him wake!" Slap._

_His mother went quiet as she took the hits his father sent her way. Magnus held on tighter to his teddy bear. Five minutes. Five minutes and his father would make sure he was awake. The healed and open scars burned both on Magnus' skin and his soul. Darkness overpowered him as it always did, drowning out the little light Magnus' world had._

_He tried to think about the superheroes he read about. He tried to imagine Superman or Batman coming to their rescue. He was even starting to imagine Spiderman. He just wanted it to end. He wanted to wake up from it like he did when he had a nightmare. He wanted to wake up and have his mother hold and rock him telling him it was just a dream._

_But it wasn't okay._

_His father's boots echoed up the stairwell, breaking through Magnus' small reserve he had started building. Magnus didn't look up but he knew from the shadow on the floor that his father was in the doorway. _

"_Look at me boy."_

_He looked up at his father. He was leaning against the doorframe, his face unshaven and his eyes wild. He reeked of alcohol, and by his unbalanced stance he had had a lot. _

_He didn't remember a time where he had ever known his father as anything different. He had one good memory of his father and that was from when he was 5. Then he got older and the only memories of his father he had were of pain, darkness, and hate._

"_Did you have a good day today?" His words rolled lazily off his tongue._

_Magnus shook his head yes._

"_What did you do?"_

_Magnus gulped. "We went to the beach." He knew he couldn't lie to his father._

"_The beach. Really?" He pushed himself up off the doorway as he took a few steps into the bedroom. "And you didn't think that maybe I would have wanted to go?"_

"_Sorry." The word squeaked out of his dry lips._

"'_Sorry.' That's all you have to say?" His father stopped at the end of Magnus' bed. His shadow loomed over him as Magnus squeezed harder on his teddy bear. His heart beat a million miles an hour as he threw his gaze down on his bedspread. He didn't want to look at his father. He couldn't. _

"_Answer me!"_

_Magnus shook. "Tomorrow. We can go tomorrow."_

"_I don't want to go tomorrow." Magnus felt his teddy bear get ripped from his hands and automatically his safety walls fell. He had nothing to hold on to, to protect him. He was alone in the dark once again. He wanted to scream for his mother but he couldn't form any more words. _

_He heard his father unbuckle his belt beside him. He braced himself. He tried to hold onto the vision of his mother, of his superhero. She couldn't save him this time but she would save him next time. Then, when Magnus was big enough he would be his mother's superhero. He would save her._

_The searing pain ripped through his body as his unhealed skin reopened. Blood trickled down his body, cold in the humid air. His father grunted beside him but all Magnus saw was darkness. He bit down on his lip to stop himself from screaming, cutting open the soft skin to create another trickle of blood. Tears formed at his eyes but he wouldn't cry. His father hit harder when he cried._

_Another searing pain rushed through him as the screams built at the back of his throat._

_Stop!_

_Please stop!_

"Stop!"

Magnus shot out of bed, sweat dripping from his pale skin. His voice was rough, his hands were clammy, and his whole body shook. His father's face was burned in his vision and his hands were burning on his skin. The scars seared as the memories reopened them. Magnus' world was spinning, swirling in the screams and the blood. Once again he tried to grab hold of his mother's image. It was the one thing he had that helped him through the nightmares. She was the one reoccurring happy thing in all the hatred and the darkness.

Then he suddenly felt hands that didn't hurt. They wrapped around him, grounding him back to reality.

"It's just a dream. It's okay." Alec's words filtered through his body, washing through the darkness that had become his companion.

"Alec." The word fell as a whisper from Magnus' cracked lips. He was struggling to breathe, his heart bounding against his chest in unmeasured beats.

"I'm here, baby." Alec calmed him, his voice slowing the beat of Magnus' heart. The world still spun, the images of his past an onslaught against his brain.

He shifted, leaning into Alec's body, the solidity of his form and the sound of his voice working to wash away the pain. It didn't normally hurt so much, but this week it did. Every year this week hurt more than any other scar or broken bone his father gave him.

Alec brought up his hand to cradle Magnus' head against his chest. He pulled him closer, creating a safety blanket over him. Magnus had only once before felt this safe within someone's arms and that had been years ago; many, many years ago.

Magnus couldn't help but think of superheroes. He thought of Alec, with his arms around his frigid body, comforting him when he didn't even know why. Alec was saving him. He was dragging Magnus out of the cold dark oblivion that had been his life. For once, the tunnel wasn't so bleak and happiness and light weren't such an impossible possibility.

"Thank you," he said, looking up to meet Alec's eyes. He felt so broken. He felt lost and wandering in a cold, desolate world. The nightmares plagued his life, ripping apart his heart. They reminded him of all the bad things he had tried to forget and how he had been running from them his whole life.

Alec just smiled and nodded and that was enough for Magnus. It was enough that he was there. He knew Alec would question what he was dreaming about and what made him hurt so much but that was for the morning. Right now he needed to just forget and being there with Alec was working to help him forget. Being there with Alec was all he needed.

* * *

So there you go. I hope you all liked it and enjoyed the deeper look into Magnus' past. So my beta and I will try to update as soon as we can, but no promises. If this is my last update for the next little while I hope you all have amazing holidays, and if you don't celebrate the holidays I hope you have an amazing week or two. Until next time my lovely readers. Thanks for reading.


	10. Unforgotten

**Chapter 10**

**Unforgotten**

**Copyright: I do not own MI or any of the charcaters, they are property of Cassandra Clare. All original ideas and concepts are the property of me.**

Hello my lovely readers, i'm back! I didn't think I would be but I punched out this chapter and my wonderful amazing beta got it to me right after I sent it to her. Without her this wouldn't be here right now so I thank you a million times over. Now I would like to thank everyone who so wonderfully reviewed the last chapter, they all made my day. Thank you to anyone who reviewed and favourited too. Since this will be my last update before the new year I just want to thank everyone who's been with me the last few months and I hope you will continue to stay will me come the new year. Writing for all of you has been amazing and I love it. Thank you. Now, to the chapter. Hope you enjoy.

Songs:

Tears in Heaven- Eric Clapton (Scene 2.) (Also my favourite song ever.)

See Me-Bare (Scene 3-Alec and Maryse)

To Where You Are and Lullaby- Josh Groban (Magnus and his mother.)

My Love-Sia

* * *

Magnus stared at Alec as he slept, captivated by each subtle movement he made. He had a smile on his face that had Magnus questioning what he was dreaming about. Him preferably.

Images of the night before flashed through Magnus' head. Timing had never been his friend. He hadn't wanted Alec to know this side of him yet and now he'd seen it twice within the last month. Magnus knew Alec was questioning what he was dreaming about. You didn't just comfort someone at three in the morning and not ask why.

Looking at Alec it pained him even more that Alec was questioning. He didn't need to know about his past. Magnus hadn't told Camille until they'd been together a year and he had only told her half the story. The story of his past was for him to carry and him to carry alone. He was broken and it was responsibility to fix the pieces alone. But he knew that if he wanted anything with Alec he had to tell him something. He wasn't ready to tell him everything but he had to tell him something. He was pushing him away by not answering and that was the last thing he wanted to do. He didn't want to push Alec away, he wanted to bring him closer.

Alec's eyes fluttered open lazily as Magnus smiled.

"Good morning darling."

"Morning," he drawled. "Why do you always stare at me?"

"Because you're beautiful and the only time you'll let me without turning away is when you're sleeping."

Alec bit his lip, blushing as he met Magnus' gaze. They stared at each other for a few minutes as understanding of the night before passed between them.

"Magnus?"

"Yes darling?"

"I know you said that there are some things better left unsaid and that maybe someday you'll be ready to tell me them, but you can tell me now Magnus? I want to be able to help you more than just by holding you in the middle of the night. Whatever it is you don't have to deal with it alone. I want to be there for you." The sincerity in his voice was heartbreaking. Magnus didn't feel like he deserved to be cared for like that. It wasn't Alec's responsibility to take care of him. He had his own things to worry about before worrying about Magnus' baggage. He searched the blue of Alec's eyes. He would never understand how he had been blessed with such an amazing man.

Magnus averted his gaze for a split second before looking back up. He took a deep breath as he placed a hand on the side of Alec's face. He caressed his cheek with the pad of his thumb, relishing in the feeling of the contact between them.

"I can't tell you." Alec's face fell. "Not all of it. Not yet." He paused. "Come with me somewhere?"

Alec looked up. "Where?"

"A place I go every year. A place that will explain a lot of what you ask and better than I can explain it."

"Ok."

"Thank you." Magnus kissed Alec's lips, moving his hand to rest on Alec's neck. The kiss was soft and just nipped at the edge of Magnus' desires, but it wasn't the time for more than that. As much as he would have loved to lay there and ravish Alec all day against Alec's better judgment, he had something he had to do first.

Magnus pulled away and smiled. He stood up slowly as he started for the bathroom.

"Jesus Christ!"

"What? I didn't see him anywhere." Magnus turned around to see Alec with his head dug in the pillow. Magnus couldn't help but laugh. God that boy was adorable.

"You're naked," Alec muffled through the pillow.

"Of course I am. You didn't really think that I'd sleep in pajamas did you? Those things are just way too constricting. Plus I hadn't intended on sharing a bed with you tonight, now that I'm complaining because sharing a bed with you is amazing. It would be better if you were naked too, but I won't push you." Magnus contemplated the image of a naked Alec and he couldn't help but want to strip Alec right then and there. Magnus saw the red flush into his boyfriend's cheeks as he still hid his eyes. "You act like you've never seen a guy naked before."

"I…well…I just didn't expect it okay."

"We've been rooming together how long, and you didn't realize I sleep in the nude?"

"Well, no. You're always in bed after me and up and dressed before I am."

Magnus laughed. "That's true. Now would you like it if I put some clothes on? Even though I really don't mind if you look."

The red got darker on Alec's face as he continued to hide his head.

"Oh you'll look one day lover." Magnus smirked as he yanked the blanket off the bed and off of Alec. Alec's eyes shot open in surprise and opened just in time to catch a slight glimpse of Magnus' body as Magnus wrapped the blanket around his waist. "Better?"

Alec's eyes trailed down Magnus' body and once Alec realized what he was doing they shot up to Magnus' face. He knew Alec had seen some of the scars judging by the widening of his eyes as he took in Magnus' torso, but he knew Alec wouldn't question. Not then. "I said clothes. Now I'm cold."

Magnus laughed at Alec's small complaint. "Well, you could always join me in the shower if you like."

Alec's mouth shot open and then closed, but he didn't answer.

"Ah, well the offer remains open if you want it." Magnus turned around, closing the distance to the bathroom. He dropped the blanket around his waist in the doorway, smirking as he knew Alec's gaze was on his body. He loved teasing Alec.

Magnus closed the door behind him as he turned on the tap of the shower. He waited for the water to heat up before stepping inside. The hot water blistered on his skin as it rolled down to hammer the tile floor. The water felt good. It worked to wash away the memories that were returning with his separation from Alec.

The water worked to kneed out the knots in his muscles as it slipped over the small scars lining his body. The water sent a searing shock through his body, awakening every one of his senses.

He saw her face in his vision, filling up the steam that circled around him. The pain of seeing her face shot through his heart. He felt loss, guilt, misery, and complete and utter darkness. He had never loved anyone as much as he had loved her. He had vowed the day she died to not let his heart love someone again. He was afraid of losing someone else. He was afraid of being alone like he was when he lost her.

* * *

Magnus' heart grew heavier with each step he took. Sadness washed over him as it always did but he knew he had to remain strong. She wouldn't want him to be weak. As much as he wanted to cry from the pain and the memories he knew he couldn't.

Having Alec there gave him strength. He felt like he wasn't alone and it made doing this just a little bit easier. Alec's presence grounded Magnus to earth and kept his mind from wandering where it tended to. He kept doubting if bringing Alec here was a bad idea. He said he wanted to know and this was the simplest way of explaining to him what Magnus was comfortable explaining. Normally he would have kept his distance from the topic as much as he could but there was no avoiding it with Alec. Alec had been there for him when no one else was and Magnus at least owed him an explanation of some sorts.

Magnus stopped in front of the cemetery, his heart pounding in his ears. Alec stood beside him, a comforting presence. He didn't speak and Magnus was grateful for the silence. He looked down at the white rose he held in his hand; his mother's favourite.

Alec took his hand and the contact lessened the pain in Magnus' heart. No matter how many times he went it never got easier. He still felt the pain like an iron hot dagger ripping though every inch of his body. He still felt broken and in pieces and his whole world still felt like it was falling in on top of him. He felt lost and alone. The whole world felt like it ended the day she died. She was everything he had. She was his protection, his mother, his everything.

She was his superhero.

Magnus took a deep breath, the soft scent of the rose bringing back long ago memories. He remembered how she always smelt like fresh flowers on a spring day. She was always smiling even when he knew she didn't want to. She always read to him before he went to bed and she always held him when everything was falling apart. She made him believe in himself and she made him who he was.

Magnus entered the cemetery slowly, following the path he had tread many times before. Alec's presence beside him made the journey easier, lessening the temptation to turn back.

They neared the tombstone as Magnus' heart beat faster in his chest. He stopped in front of it, the pain hitting him with such intensity he could feel the tears at the back of his eyes.

_Elaine Elizabeth Bane._

_Loving wife and mother._

_May 5, 1970- October 10, 2002_

Etched roughly in the stone was his mother's life. Wife and mother. Life tragically cut short.

Magnus's hand slid out of Alec's as he knelt down on the cold ground. He placed the rose in front of the stone, biting back the pain that erupted inside of him. People said it got easier but it didn't. It just got harder as the realization hit you that that person was gone, forever; the rest of your life. As the years stretched behind you, you realized how many years still stretched before you.

"Hi Mom." The words fell from his lips, hanging in the air. "I've missed you." Magnus didn't know if somewhere, somehow his mother could hear him, but he spoke anyway. It made it easier to think she was listening. It made knowing she wasn't there a little bit easier.

The wind blew past him lightly, lifting the petals on the flower just to lay them back down softly. Magnus just stared at the tombstone, letting the memories of his mother flow through him.

'_No, please stop! James don't do this!'_

A few tears fell from his eyes, stinging his cold skin. They fell onto the ground below, sinking through the dirt to where his mother lay.

_A sickening sound. Blood. A heart wrenching scream. _

Why had it been her? Why couldn't it have been him?

'_James, why?'_

She didn't deserve to die.

'_Because.'_

She had so much life in her, so much potential, and it had been cut short. He had stolen her life.

_One final heartbeat. One lost soul. His mother._

The pain ripped through him like a thousand knives, cutting and scaring every inch of his being. He had known pain before, but never pain like this. There was no pain that amounted to losing someone you loved with every fibre of your being. There was no pain equal to how much pain Magnus felt in losing his mother. Everything he had died with her. Everything, including his heart. He had sworn never to love someone again the way he loved her because he was afraid of losing someone else. His heart could only take so much and he knew if it was shattered again he would never be able to fix it.

Magnus stood up slowly, taking a deep breath to clear away the pain. He looked at Alec who stood mournfully to the side, his gaze fixed on the tombstone. Looking at Alec Magnus felt his heart softening, opening up behind thousands of brick walls. Alec was making him break his vow, as he slowly opened each and every lock of his heart. Alec was getting in, reaching for the same spot where Magnus held his mother. He didn't think he could ever love again, but here his heart was saying otherwise.

Alec looked up to meet Magnus' gaze and in them Magnus didn't see the pity or sorrow that he would have expected, but he saw understanding. He saw deep meaningful understanding that he had never seen before, not even in his own eyes. And that was one of the many reasons Alec was getting to his heart. Alec simply understood and for once Magnus felt like he could bare his whole life to someone and simply get understanding.

Magnus took Alec's hand, the warmth filling his being. He looked from Alec back to his mother's tombstone. "Mom, I want you to meet Alec." He looked back at Alec whose eyes now showed surprise. "You always said I'd meet someone one day who made me happy and I have." Magnus squeezed Alec's hand, savouring the comfort of having him there. "I've lied to you the last few years about my life, about being truly happy. But I'm not going to lie to you this year." He looked up at Alec, smiling. "This year I feel truly happy and I feel like I've finally found what you told me to look for." Magnus looked back to the tombstone. "I wish you were here, but I know you're in a better place." A single tear fell from his cheek, catching on his skin before falling to the ground. "I love you." He pressed his fingers to his lips and then to the tombstone, his fingers lingering there for a few seconds before he pulled away. He stood there, his mother's face floating in his mind. She was smiling and in his mind he heard her say she loved him too. It was a memory, but it was enough for him.

Magnus looked at Alec as the two started walking back the way they had come. They walked in peaceful silence, their hands entwined together. Magnus left the cemetery stronger then he had been when he walked in. He left with a new understanding. His mother wouldn't want him to close his heart off. She would want him to be happy and he felt like he was doing an injustice to her by closing off his heart. Maybe it was time to open it again. Maybe it was time to face his fears and love again.

Maybe it was time to let Alec in.

Magnus stopped, sitting down on a bench, followed by Alec. Magnus clasped his hands together in front of him as he thought of how to explain what he could to Alec.

"My mother was killed. She was stabbed to death by my father. He was drunk and he was angry and he lost control. He's serving life at the New York Penitentiary." Magnus remembered the night perfectly. He remembered the storm that rocked the house and the smell of the alcohol on his father. The anger that emanated from his father radiated through the room and despite the storm it was even more frigid in the house than it should have been. Magnus remembered trying to protect his mother but being thrown to the side, pushed away as he always was. He remembered watching his father slide the knife under her rib cage and he remember running after her, throwing his father off of her dying body. He held her, bleeding and dying while his father just stood there, the bloody knife hanging from his motionless hand. That was the day Magnus' whole entire live changed. "I dream about her."

Magnus expected to hear 'I'm sorry' but Alec didn't say it. The fact that he didn't say it made the whole experience easier. He had heard so many empty and meaningless 'I'm sorry's' in his life that he didn't want to hear another. He just wanted understanding and that was what Alec gave him.

"You really love her."

"She was my everything." Magnus looked up at Alec, the pain hitting him like a tidal wave. "I don't know where I'd be if I didn't have her." He paused. "I brought you here because you wanted to know about my past. This is part of it and if she really can hear what I say, I wanted her to meet you. She helped me through it when I didn't know what it was. She taught me to accept myself and that love was beautiful." Magnus smiled lightly. "The two of you would have got along perfectly." The thought of Alec meeting his mother brought a rush of bittersweet sadness through him.

Alec smiled. "Do you look like her?"

"Mostly," Magnus said solemnly. He had his father's eyes, eyes that haunted him each and every day of his life. "She was beautiful. Her smile could light up the darkest room." Magnus paused, meeting Alec's gaze. "Thank-you Alec, for coming with me."

Alec took Magnus' hand with his. "Thank-you, for telling me this."

"You wanted to know and I didn't want to hide it from you anymore. This isn't the whole story but that's for another time." Magnus took a deep breath, looking around him. "But right now, I'm craving some Chinese." Magnus stood up, yanking Alec up with him. "Thank you." Magnus leaned in to kiss Alec, the kiss landing softly on both their lips. There was a new passion in it that came from Magnus' heart. It was foreign but Magnus embraced it just as he embraced Alec. He was going to give Alec the love he deserved, the love his mother would want him to give.

* * *

Alec stared at the phone, his fingers posed on the tiny keyboard. All he had to do was hit the numbers and let it ring, it was that easy. Then she'd pick up the phone and he'd tell her. He'd tell her what he was and he'd tell her about Magnus. He could do it. He could tell her.

No he couldn't.

Who was he fooling? He had already tried about a hundred times in the past to tell her and that wasn't including the thousand he had tried that day. He knew she wouldn't accept him. She wouldn't love him anymore if he was gay, she would disown him. Or would she? It was just his fears talking. He was so scared of being accepted that he thought even his own mother would hate him. Magnus' mother hadn't hated him. She had helped him though it from the beginning and she had told him to love no matter what. It was Magnus' mother that had put the phone in Alec's hands. She had loved Magnus so maybe Maryse would love Alec too. Maybe he was wrong and foolish for believing she wouldn't. He could do it. He would just call her and tell her. He could do it.

Alec hit the numbers to his house quickly, flashing the phone to his ear as the rings vibrated though him.

"Hello?" It was his mother.

"Hey Mom."

"Alec, sweetheart. It's been so long since you called I thought you'd forgotten about us." A rare happiness emanated from her voice.

"No, I've just been busy. Everything good at home?"

"It is what it is. We miss you."

"I miss you too Mom." Alec paused, taking a deep breath. "There's something I need to tell you." Alec fiddled with a loose strand on his sweater.

"Go ahead, but I'm a little busy right now Alec. Is it important?"

"Yes."

"Can it wait until later?"

"It'll just take a second." Alec fought to grasp all the courage within him, which ultimately equaled a small sum. He searched for scraps, trying within his heart to bring himself to say what he needed to say. The words lay on the tip of his tongue, ready to be spoken aloud, but instead they lay there in silence.

"Alec, can I just call you back?" Her words were stressed and hurried and with each clipped word Alec's courage slipped away.

"No, please just hear me out. I need to tell you. You need to know."

"Know what Alec? Please, I've got a meeting to go to."

"Mom, I love you and…"

"And I love you too Alec, but I really need to go."

"Please, don't go. Mom, I'm…" They were there, right there and he couldn't say them. It was just two words. Two simple words.

"I'll call you back later Alec."

"When Mom?"

"Later. When I get back."

"Mom…" Alec's heart shattered in his chest as he fought to get himself to tell her.

"I love you." Click.

Alec lowered the phone from his ear, every ounce of courage he had slipping from his grasp. He couldn't do it. He had tried but he couldn't. It had been so easy to say the words in his head but every time he tried to voice them they caught on his tongue and shattered into tiny little pieces. His fears broke open inside of him, enveloping his being. If he had told her, if he had done what he tried to do so many times before, would she have said 'I love you'? Would she have hung up because she had to go or because she hated him?

He felt pathetic. He felt pathetic and lonely and scared. All he had to do was tell her. It should have been easy but it wasn't. Thinking about doing something was so much different then actually doing it. He kept thinking about Magnus and his mother. She had accepted and loved him so why wouldn't Maryse be the same? Why wouldn't she love him?

Alec closed his eyes, rubbing them with the pads of his palms as he tried to push all the fears from his brain, all the pain from his heart, and all the sadness from his soul. Would anyone accept him? Would he ever be able to tell anyone what he was?

Alec looked up abruptly when Magnus came through the door, returning from class. His recently closed eyes fought to accustom to the glitter that reflected off of Magnus' skin and ensemble. Magnus threw down his school bag catching Alec's eyes as he started towards him. The smile that was on his face turned to questioning.

"Alec, are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." Alec tried to cover up the emotion on his face but unlike everyone else in his life, he was terrible at it.

Magnus sat down on the edge of the bed in front of Alec. "Don't lie to me Alexander."

Alec looked up to meet Magnus' gaze. He wanted nothing more than to scream in front of the whole world his feelings for Magnus, but as he and the whole world knew, he couldn't do it.

"I called my mom."

Magnus sighed, nodding in understanding to Alec's words. "And?"

"And I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it because I'm a coward and I'm scared she won't love me and…"

"Shh." Magnus placed a hand on Alec's knee. "First off you're not a coward."

"Yes I am. I should have been able to tell her."

"No Alec, you shouldn't have. It's not that easy and having tried means more than not trying at all. You'll tell her one day, but that's not today."

"But what if I can never bring myself to do it?"

"Alec, you will, but by trying to do it when you're not ready isn't helping anyone, especially yourself."

Alec looked up at Magnus. How had he been so lucky to get someone like him? "Maybe you're right, but I just feel like I have to. They should know about me, about you."

Magnus let out a breath. "I don't want you to feel obligated because of me Alec. Everyone has their own pace and I understand that. I'm still happy here with you rather your family knows or not. You'll tell them in time." Magnus paused, placing a glittered hand under Alec's chin to get him to look at him. "I told you I'd wait and I will."

"You shouldn't."

"But I will." Magnus smiled, taking Alec's hand with his. "Now come on. You promised you'd watch America's Next Top Model with me and don't think for a second I'm letting you out of it that easily."

Alec smiled as he got off the bed and followed Magnus over to the couch. They sat down, the couch sagging so that Alec fell into Magnus. Magnus threw his arm around his shoulders, pulling him flush against him. Alec laid his head on Magnus' shoulder inhaling the familiar scent of him. It comforted him, washing away all of his fears. Alec knew he had to tell his parents one day but Magnus was right. Today was not the day to tell them. As much as he wanted to he wasn't ready.

Alec looked up at Magnus who was searching the channels for America's Next Top Model. He had watched it once with Isabelle but he had never seen the purpose of it. It just looked like a bunch of girls who were way to skinny for their height walking down a slippery walk with heels longer than his arm. But, Magnus liked it and since Alec had forced him through CSI it was the least he could do.

Magnus looked down at Alec, smiling. He closed the small distance between them, capturing Alec's lips with his for a soft kiss that cemented everything Magnus had promised him. Alec knew if he was to ever tell his parents it would be with Magnus by his side. Magnus gave him strength.

Magnus pulled away quickly, his gaze flashing to the screen. "We'll continue that on the commercial."

Alec smiled to himself as he looked at the TV. He nestled himself closer to Magnus' side savouring the feeling of having someone like him in his life. He found himself falling hard for him, harder than he had ever expected. His feelings for Magnus grew with each passing day, turning into something extremely foreign and yet extremely beautiful. Alec felt completely at peace with Magnus in a way he had never felt before. Magnus made him feel safe and special and loved.

That man who had been the gorgeous stranger at the tree was now his boyfriend. It felt so good to say boyfriend, to test it on his tongue. Magnus was his and Alec couldn't be happier.

* * *

There you go. I hope you liked the look into Magnus' past and more will come, I promise. So let me know what you all think. Just a warning ahead of time, my beta and I have exams and about a million projects so it is unlikely that an update will occur in January unless some mirable happens that gives me time to write and my beta time to edit. I am so very sorry and I feel terrible but after January I will be back to updating every week or so. Anyway, I hope that you all have a wonderful new year and I will see you next year. Bye!

Amber


	11. Unthinkable

Chapter 11

Unthinkable

**Copyright: Unfortunately I do not own Mortal Instruments and no money or action will ever give me that right. Instead it belongs to the wonderful Cassandra Clare. I'm just here to play around with her characters. Therefore all original ideas and concepts are mine. **

I'm back! And with a half hour before February (at least in my time.) Exams finished this morning and now I am stress free and ready to break out on my keyboard and write up a bunch of chapters for you wonderful and amazing people. Hopefully you guys are still with me and the one month hiatus didn't feel too long. I know it felt like forever for me. Not being able to write has been killing me and I can't wait to start writing again. Thank you to all of you who left me reviews on my author's note, they were wonderful. Exams went extremely well so thank you for all the good luck wishes and I'm just happy they're done, at least for the next five months. All your reviews were wonderful surprises when I came on Fanfiction and I honestly have to say that I have the most amazing readers ever, and I honestly love all of you. Thank you. I know I say it a lot, but thank you. Thank you. Thank you. So as much as I would love to ramble on about how amazing all of you are I think you probably all just want the chapter after waiting a month. Hopefully you all like it. Enjoy my lovely readers!

Songs:

Crazy Love-Jensen Ackles and Jason Manns

I'll Cover You-Rent (Alec and Magnus-Scene 3)

Teenage Dream-Glee (Love, love, love this song. Alec and Magnus)

Let it Die-Three Days Grace (Camille and Magnus-Scene 1)

* * *

Magnus sat at his tree, enjoying the cool autumn air that blew against his bare skin. His sketchpad was in his hands and today he wasn't drawing his past, instead focusing on his present. He was drawing Alec. He thought back to the first sketch he had done of him. At that moment in time he had done it instinctively. He had felt himself drawn to the blue-eyed boy and his hand just drew. He had never thought at that moment he'd be where he was now, with Alec.

It was hard only being with him behind closed doors but he had told Alec he'd wait and so he would. His feelings for Alec outweighed his need to be in public with him and if waiting meant keeping him, he'd wait. He didn't know if he'd be able to wait forever but he'd wait as long as he could. The fact that Alec had already tried to tell his mom was a start. He would get there one day and Magnus' heart hoped it would be sooner rather than later.

Alec looked up as he heard footsteps nearing him. Camille stopped a few feet away from him. Magnus hadn't worried himself with the workings of her life since their break-up but he was aware that she had recently broke up with the theatre guy she had been with after him. The happiness that thinking about Alec gave him fell away as he met Camille's gaze. Why the hell was she here? They hadn't talked since their break-up and in all honesty, Magnus couldn't care less. Camille was a part of his life, a part he had no interest in any more. He thought she understood that there wasn't a 'them' anymore.

"Magnus, can we talk?" She stood confidently, prepared for whatever was to come.

"I'm a little busy right now."

"You're drawing," she said.

"Exactly. I'm busy." Magnus looked back down at his sketchpad hoping she'd just go away. He was happy, why did she have to ruin it? He knew what she wanted and he knew he wasn't going to give it to her.

"Magnus please," she begged. "Just give me five minutes."

Magnus glanced up at her. "Fine. Five minutes."

She took a deep breath before she began. "When we broke up, I was heartbroken. I thought losing you would be easier, but it wasn't. My life felt so cold, so empty. I missed you and I even missed that damn cat. Every day I remember all the memories we've had, the moments we've shared together. Every day I remember how much I loved you."

Magnus felt something pull in his heart. "Camille..."

"Please, just listen. You remember what we had, how we were together. We were perfect. We had something special Magnus, something other people never have."

Magnus sighed. Seriously? She honestly had to do this? She couldn't just let it be and accept that they were over? "Camille, look, I'll put it bluntly. What we had was sex. We were fuck buddies. The emotional part of our relationship was moulded upon both of our needs to be wanted. It wasn't love. It wasn't special. Camille, I'll never forget what we had, but it doesn't mean anything more. I'm sorry."

"Magnus please. I'm just asking for a chance. We could start over…"

"No. When I left you Camille, I left you for good. There's no starting over."

"But Magnus, I love you." Tears brimmed at Camille's eyes, falling onto the ground. Tears, well damn. Camille never cried. Crying wasn't in her nature, it never was. So if she was crying, well Magnus couldn't just ignore it as nothing. But he had to say, he had terrible luck. He could never just leave the past behind. It always had to come and bite him in the ass. Which it did doubly hard when Magnus saw Alec standing a short distance away from Camille.

Magnus' heart fell when he saw Alec. He was in hearing range enough to have heard Camille's last words. Hurt flashed across his face as his eyes wavered. He shook his head before turning and walking away. Magnus shot upright as he started to go after Alec, but stopped when he realized it was no use. Alec needed time to think and he had to clear things up with Camille. Besides it wasn't a conversation to be had in public.

He watched Camille's gaze follow his and realization fell over her face. "I see. I knew you'd go that way again eventually." She looked down at the ground and back at Magnus. "Are you happy?"

"Yes."

"Good." Camille brushed a tear away from her eye as she took a deep breath. "Well I'm happy for you. Bye Magnus." Camille took a few steps backwards before turning and walking away.

Magnus let out a breath he hadn't known he'd been holding. That was definitely not how he had wanted to end his day. He just prayed Camille would keep her mouth shut about what she knew.

Magnus leaned down, collecting his books and his book bag as he prepared himself for talking to Alec. He just hoped he was as understanding as Camille turned out to be.

Magnus waited patiently on the couch for Alec to come back to the dorm room. He had gone there first since he knew Alec had to come back eventually. He couldn't hide out in the library forever. Magnus knew it was going to bring about a fight so he had prepared himself. He didn't want the fight to be bad, he just wanted to explain to Alec what was going on. But he knew what Alec was thinking. The boy was self-conscious and Magnus knew Alec still thought he was going to leave him because Alec thought he wasn't good enough. He just wished Alec didn't think that. He had no desire to leave him, especially for Camille.

The door clicked open as Alec walked inside. He glanced at Magnus slightly but continued to his desk where he dropped off his books. Magnus could feel the tension between them and he could hear what Alec was thinking as if he was screaming at him. Alec had had time to cool down about his original reaction, but he was still angry.

"Alec, we need to talk."

"I understand." Alec turned around to look at Magnus.

"No Alec, you don't."

"I heard what she said Magnus. That rings pretty clear to me." Alec sighed. "I mean I get it, I do. She loves you. And what you had together, it was pretty big. Special." Alec bit his lip as he paused. "And you love her too, still. It only makes sense."

"Excuse me?"

"You love her." Alec couldn't bring himself to look at Magnus; instead his eyes were focused on a stray thread on his sweater.

"I love her?" A spark ignited inside Magnus. Who was Alec to jump to that conclusion? He didn't know the half of it, and he definitely did not know anything about what he and Camille had had. "Seriously Alec? That's what you think?"

"You do don't you?"

"No." The word came out forcefully and Magnus watched Alec flinch as the word hit him. "No Alec, I don't love her. I don't love her now and I never loved her. Damn it Alec, I don't even know what love is. I haven't felt love in so long that I don't even know what it feels like anymore. I mean, what does it honestly mean to love someone? Is it realizing that you can't live without that person, or that finally that piece of you that's been missing is finally found? What is love Alec?" Magnus took a deep breath, a saddened pain ripping through him as he finally voiced what he had never said to a single soul-that he didn't know what love was. He had known, once upon a time, but he'd forgotten. He loved his mother, but she was the last one who ever knew his heart. "So please Alec, don't accuse me of something I don't even know about." The words fell from his lips as anger rode through him. He was pissed at Alec for even coming to that ridiculous conclusion. And besides, he didn't know. He didn't understand.

"Magnus…" Alec seemed to be at a loss for words. "I…"

"Didn't stop to think did you? Never thought that maybe I didn't return the sentiment? That I told her I didn't love her?" Alec's eyes fell. "Of course not," Magnus scoffed stepping back. "I know you're scared and this is new to you but why are you so willing to jump to the conclusion that I don't want to be with you? I don't care about all the little things Alec, I care about you, and if you can't see that then I've been wasting my time." Magnus turned away not able to bear looking at Alec any longer. He hated when he got mad. He said the things he'd locked away so that he didn't say them and he turned into someone he didn't want to become. Plus, this conversation brought up a part of him that he had buried. His heart. He hated talking about love or even thinking about it. But looking at Alec, love took on a whole new meaning. It wasn't that he loved Alec, it was too soon for that and he didn't even really know what love was, but looking at Alec, love became something real. Something Magnus could almost believe in. It was because Alec was breaking down his walls. Alec was breaking into his heart, breaking into the place where he had buried love many, many years ago.

"Magnus I'm sorry."

Magnus stood still, breathing slowly. He didn't want to turn away but Alec had no right to act the way he did. Jealousy was normal, but really? Did Alec not trust him?

Magnus turned around slowly, folding his arms across his chest as he met Alec's gaze. Alec stood there awkwardly, clearly in turmoil over his idiocy. "You can't say I'm sorry every time we fight and think I'll forgive you."

"I'm really, really, really sorry." Alec bit his lip as he played nervously with the hem of his sleeve.

A small smile tugged at the side of Magnus' mouth, one, because of the adorable way in which Alec had found to respond, and two, the way he had pulled his lip behind his teeth. An image of sucking that lip into his own mouth flashed through his brain but he pushed it away.

"Don't think being adorable will make me forgive you either Alexander."

"Ok, fine I screwed up. I overreacted because I got jealous and when I heard her say that I felt worthless and I felt like you were going to leave me for her." Alec looked down at the ground ashamed. "I'm so willing to jump to the conclusion that you don't want to be with me because I don't feel like I deserve you." He looked up at Magnus and the beautiful blue of his eyes wavered. "You deserve better."

Magnus felt his heart drop. How could he say that? How could he even think that? _Maybe the same way you do Magnus. _True. That same statement was the same thing that ran like a broken record player through Magnus' thoughts. He didn't think he deserved Alec. He felt like he was holding Alec back, that Alec deserved better than the broken mess that was Magnus. "Don't tell me what I deserve Alec. Only I get to choose that," he took a few steps towards Alec, "And I don't want anything more than you." He closed the small distance between them. He placed a hand on Alec's face, massaging a glittered finger across his skin. "It's you that I thought deserved better."

"Magnus, don't say that." Alec's eyes wavered but they made their way up to meet Magnus' gaze.

"Okay." Magnus smiled softly. "I won't if you promise that you won't."

Alec nodded. "I promise."

"Good. Now Alec, Camille means nothing to me, understand? She wanted to get back together and I told her no because right here, with you, is where I want to be." Alec glanced down, biting his lip as a pink blush painted his face. "You have to trust me Alec, and you have to have a little bit more faith in yourself. You are far from worthless and pathetic and all those other words I know are circling in that wonderful mind of yours. You are beautiful and I want nothing more than to call you mine." Magnus placed his hand on Alec's chin lifting his face to look at him. "Do we have an understanding?"

"That I'm an idiot, yeah."

Magnus smiled. "Only sometimes." He leaned in, taking Alec's lips with his. He pulled Alec's lower lip from between his teeth, rubbing his tongue along the small indentations Alec's teeth had left. Alec moaned against his mouth as Magnus delved his tongue between Alec's lips. Heat rushed through him with their contact and the whole world fell away. It was only Alec.

"So I guess this means I'm forgiven?" Alec asked against Magnus' mouth.

"You're forgiven. But don't think you can be your cute adorable self every time and I'll forgive you."

"Damn. Here I was thinking it would work." Magnus grinned. Yeah, there was a chance it would work again and that's because Magnus found Alec irresistible even when he was being infuriating.

"That's just wishful thinking." Magnus paused, sliding a hand down Alec's side as he pulled the boy closer. "As for wishful and thinking, there's one thing I've been wishing to do all day."

"And what is that?"

"Just a little of this." Magnus kissed Alec's lips. "And this." He placed a kiss on Alec's jawbone. "And this." He kissed a trail up Alec's jawbone to his ear, lingering on the sensitive spot behind it. Their hands held their bodies together, creating a foundation for the sparks that flew between them. Alec moaned as Magnus continued to kiss his neck. His lips moved back to Alec's slowly, capturing them with his own. He loved holding Alec there and knowing that at that point in time, Alec wasn't going anywhere. They weren't fighting and he felt like Alec might actually start to trust the whole situation. He felt happy and waiting for Alec all day and fighting with him felt worth it

And the pain that was in his heart also felt worth it. It was not the kind of pain you would sleep through or take medication for, but it was the kind of soothing, relieving pain that you embraced. It was the pain of his heart ripping open, slowly coming out to the face the world. It was the feeling of not being cold anymore, of letting the numbness slowly wash away. The walls were chipping, falling to the ground in a crumbled, broken heap. And behind those walls was his heart. Behind those breaking walls that Magnus thought would never fall, was love. And slowly, day by day, minute by minute, Magnus was finding himself falling in love with Alec.

Alec strolled through the library aisles in attempt to find a book for his and Magnus' current History project. He had found a few but the task was not at the front of Alec's attention. His mind kept wavering back to Magnus and the little fight they had shared the day before. Magnus' words kept circling through his head like a broken record player, playing over and over again until it became all that Alec could think about. _You are beautiful and I want nothing more than to call you mine. _That was what he had said to him. Alec had never felt so good and so wanted in his life.

But Magnus could say whatever he wanted; Alec was still an idiot for what he did. He let his fears cloud his judgement and so he thought the worst. He should have known better than to think such things, and Magnus had every right to be mad at him and not forgive him. He hated that he had been so stupid to do such a thing to Magnus. He did it because he was insecure about himself and he thought his fears would push Magnus away. He didn't want to push him away; he wanted to bring him closer. But by hiding, he was building a wall between them and what they could become. He didn't want to build a wall, but he was. He knew that all he had to do was come out, but that was easier to think about then to actually do. He wasn't like Magnus. Being gay seemed to come easily to Magnus and it just fit with his outgoing and eccentric personality. Magnus had no problem with who he was and Alec only wished he could follow that example.

Alec leaned down to search the bottom shelf, selecting one of the books simply because it had 'revolution' in the title. He hated that Magnus had chosen this time to work on their project. Alec didn't have the mind power to focus on anything else but Magnus.

Alec stood up slowly, bumping into a solid figure as he straightened.

"_The Cooking Revolution. _Interesting, I didn't know you could cook."

Alec glanced down at the book in his hand, taking in the title before turning to look at Magnus. He stood behind him, a grin on his glittered face.

"I can't." Alec placed the book back on a shelf at random. "I thought it said something else."

"Damn, and here I was looking forward to seeing what you would look like in an apron cooking me breakfast." His eyes flashed with amusement.

"First, I am never wearing an apron, and second, don't eat my breakfast unless you have a death wish."

"Well, I guess there's just something else I'll have to teach you."

"How to wear an apron, or how to cook edible food?"

Magnus laughed. "Both darling." He smiled, moving in so that only the books in Alec's hands separated them. He grabbed them, taking them out of Alec's hands and setting them down on a discarded cart. He closed the rest of the distance between them.

"Magnus?" Alec's voice hitched as he looked around to see if anyone was near them. What was he doing?

"There's no one here Alec. You picked the most deserted, least used aisle in this library to search for books." Magnus placed his hands on either side of Alec, holding him against the bookshelf with his body.

"What if someone comes?" Once again, his fears were overtaking every feeling he had for Magnus.

"What if they do? What are they going to do?" Magnus looked down at Alec, locking his gaze. "Take a step with me Alec. Let those fears go and be free with me for one minute."

"I can't." The words caught in his throat. He couldn't. It was that simple. He had completely failed to tell his mother about his sexuality and when she had called back he had bailed that time too. He had made up a stupid excuse about stress and school and had instead diverted the conversation to when he was going back home the weekend after Halloween. He had done all he could to divert the conversation from the topic it should be and he knew he had failed miserably. His mother wasn't stupid, she had to know something was going on with him. Alec wanted to tell his mother, he did. He wanted to tell his whole family. He was just scared. It was as simple as any other fear. Yet Magnus made him believe in being free, in being safe. He made him want to take a step. He knew he had to take it one day so why not take it with Magnus there to catch him if he fell?

"You can, Alec. And if someone comes, I'll protect you. I promise."

"You promise?"

"That's what I said isn't it?" Magnus smiled, taking Alec's hands with his. "Take a step with me?"

Alec looked from their enclosed hands to Magnus' eyes. Those damn eyes got him each time and he almost wanted to smack Magnus for being so hard to deny. How could one man make Alec so weak, so vulnerable? Take a step. He could do it. He could, right?

Alec took a deep breath and in Magnus' eyes he saw everything he had ever wanted. Magnus deserved something for everything he gave Alec. Alec needed to take that step with him, to give to him part of what Alec knew he wanted. No one would come; the library was deserted so no one would see. Alec could take the step knowing there were people there but still knowing that they had no idea.

He let out a breath before leaning forward to capture Magnus' lips. He felt Magnus smile against his mouth as he moved to hold Alec's arms against the bookshelf. Alec's tongue darted out between Magnus' lips as he let the emotions fill him and wash away his fears. They'd come back later but at that moment, Alec was happy and he was ready to take steps with Magnus. Magnus told him it would be okay, so maybe it would be.

Magnus' body against his and the feeling of doing something he had always feared sent a rush of electric heat through his body. It was so much more different than their stolen kisses in the dorm room. This one was full of buried passion and want that had released itself in Alec's heart. He pushed against Magnus' lips, revelling in the moan that escaped Magnus' lips. Magnus broke away to catch his breath but within seconds, his lips were back, his tongue darting between Alec's lips. Magnus pushed his body up against Alec's, his hips brushing against his. The leather pants Magnus had on left nothing to Alec's imagination and only fuelled the passion that was ripping through him.

This wasn't so scary after all. Alec was actually yearning for more, his body craving more of Magnus' touch. It was at that moment that he wished he was in the dorm room, not for the secrecy, but for the cover that would allow Alec to do whatever he wanted. Magnus pulled his lips away, moving them to suck and nip at Alec's neck. His tongue teased Alec's skin as he closed the remaining centimetre between them.

Magnus pulled away suddenly as both of them heard the oncoming footsteps.

"There it is." Magnus let go of Alec's arms, leaning upwards to take down a book that was just above Alec's head. _Smooth Magnus. _Magnus backed away from Alec just as the footsteps rounded the corner into their aisle. Alec felt the blood rushing to his cheeks at a speed that almost equalled that of Magnus' cover up. He wanted to kiss him right there just for having quick thinking. The disappointment of the moment being broken flashed through him, but it had to be. They couldn't be caught. Not only did he not want to be seen but there was something about making out in the back of a library that didn't need to be seen whether the couple was straight or not. Sure, it had been irresistibly hot, but it had been a risk. A risk worth taking, but a risk none the less.

"Alec, hey. What a pleasant surprise to see you here? What are you doing?"

It was Anna. After their mishap at the party, they had continued to remain friends. At least, they were friends as much as study buddies were. Alec had saw a part of Anna that night he didn't like and, given, she clearly had a grudge against his boyfriend, he felt obliged to remain distant with her. Plus, the awkwardness he felt was overwhelming. But he didn't have many people he talked to at Idris besides Magnus and Magnus' friends, so having someone to talk to outside of that part of his life was nice.

Alec took a deep breath, looking up at Magnus who was leisurely leaning against the bookshelf reading a book on botany. Alec would have found that funny if they weren't in their current situation. He envied Magnus' seamless ability to always appear calm no matter what the situation; especially given Alec knew his face was flaming like a tomato. Hopefully Anna wouldn't notice since the lighting in their aisle was terrible.

"Uh, yeah…project. History," Alec stuttered.

"Fun." Her eyes trailed over to glare at Magnus. "You know Magnus, I'm pretty sure the Twilight novels are that way."

Magnus looked up from the book he was holding, shutting it closed firmly. "Oh please, are you trying to insult me, because that was terrible? Edward Cullen ain't got nothing on this." Magnus trailed his hands down his body.

Alec stifled a laugh, catching a glare from Anna.

Magnus pushed himself up from the bookshelf, replacing the book randomly. "Now would you mind getting your skanky ass out of here? Alec and I have things to do and we don't need your intolerable screeching interrupting us."

Anna scoffed, crossing her arms over her chest. "You're a real fucking asshole."

"Ouch, I'm offended." Magnus placed a melodramatic hand over his heart. "Got anything else?" He met Anna's eyes.

Anna resorted to looking at Alec who had remained silent and uncomfortable through their exchange. "I really thought you had a better judge of character than that Alec."

"Ok, so now you're insulting him which is just enforcing my opinion that you're a bitch. Now say what you want to me, but Alec did nothing."

Anna looked from Magnus to Alec. "Maybe, but he did choose you as a friend." Anna looked one last time at Alec and a sort of sadness flashed through her eyes. Alec couldn't quite pinpoint why before she was gone. Alec let out a breath he was unaware he'd been holding as he turned to look at Magnus.

"Go ahead, tell me. I've got a bad choice in friends."

"Friends maybe, but not boyfriends." Magnus grinned as he met Alec's gaze. He placed his hands on Alec's biceps, rubbing his hands up and down as he placed a light kiss on Alec's lips. "Was it a good step?"

"It was a good step."

"Good. Now let's go finish that project."

* * *

Hopefully you all liked it! It was a bit of a filler chapter for the main plot line but I liked how it turned out. Anyway, let me know what you think and I hope it was worth the wait. The next chapter will be up within the week or so hopefully, it'll depend how busy the first week back to school is. Plus I finally just got a job in my small town so my time's growing limited. But I will find time for writing because I absolutely love where this story is going and writing it for you amazing people. Thank you for being with me for all of this and I hope you continue to stay with me, Magnus, and Alec, for the rest of this story. Thanks and have a great week!

Amber


	12. Unthought

Chapter 12

Unthought

**Disclaimer: Unfortunately I do not own MI or any of the characters, those belong to Cassie. I do own all original ideas and concepts.**

I'm back! First i'd like to thank all you wonderful people who reviewed last chapter. I had a really long week with the new semester starting so reading the reviews made me really happy. Thank you! Now i'm sorry this took a little bit longer than expected, my beta got sick and it was her birthday, plus this chapter had around three rewrites until I was satisfied with it. But here you go and hopefully you all like it. Enjoy!

Songs:

Mess I Made- Parachute (Final Scene-Alec)

Love Alone- Thriving Ivory (Magnus and Alec)

Trip- Hedley (Magnus)

Shattered-Trading Yesterday (Final Scene-Alec)

* * *

"Come on Alec. I'm not going to laugh at you," Magnus said as he swiveled around in his chair.

"Yeah you are. It just doesn't fit right," Alec complained from inside the bathroom.

"I'm sure it fits wonderfully. Now come on or we're going to be late."

"Like you care, you pride yourself on being fashionably late for everything."

Magnus grinned. "True." He looked down at a bright green painted fingernail, playing with it as he threw his feet up onto the desk. "But one look at you in that costume and I might forget about the party, and even I can't handle being that late."

"Do I hear you doubting your abilities?"

"What? I would never doubt my abilities. I am simply stating that I have the inability to restrain myself around you and…" Magnus's eyes darted towards the bathroom when he heard the door click open. His breath caught in his throat when he saw Alec. "…and damn."

"It looks okay?" Alec looked down at his costume wearily.

"Okay? You look amazing." Magnus trailed his eyes eagerly over Alec's tight black Batman costume. The material gripped Alec's lean muscles, accenting each curve and line perfectly. He had yet to put the mask on and it hung, neglected, in his left hand.

Magnus had grabbed the costume for Alec last week when they decided they were going as the Joker and Batman, and had grabbed that precise one for the images of Alec it conjured in his mind. But the real thing, well, it was so much better than the images. Magnus' imagination started running away with him as he examined how the material loved Alec in all the right places. The first thing he thought of was throwing Alec down on the bed and ravishing him, but he mustered enough strength to push that thought away and focus on the moment at hand.

Alec crossed his arms to hug his body self-consciously. A blush was appearing slowly on his pale skin as he looked at Magnus. He caught Alec's eyes trail him over and he grinned at receiving the exact effect he had been hoping for. Now he wondered what thoughts were running through that beautiful mind of Alec's. Good thoughts, Magnus hoped.

"Honestly?" Alec picked at the fabric.

Magnus threw his booted feet down, standing up to cross the room to stand in front of Alec. "Would I lie to you?"

Alec looked up from the suit, shaking his head.

"Exactly." He took Alec's hand, pulling it away from the material before he massaged a hole into it. "I thought you'd like it; black being your colour and all," Magnus teased.

"Hey!" Alec punched Magnus on the arm lightly.

Magnus made a melodramatic gasp as he threw his other hand to where Alec had hit him. He massaged his arm dramatically. "What are you hitting me for?"

"What are you teasing me for?"

"It's fun. Plus the look you get on your face is extremely amusing."

"What look?"

"That one." Magnus grinned at the flustered look on his boyfriend's face.

"I do not have a look."

"Yeah. You do." And Magnus couldn't resist it any longer. He laid a quick kiss on Alec's lips and when he pulled away the look was gone.

"Was that supposed to shut me up?" Alec crossed his arms over his chest.

"Yes."

"Jerk."

"Hey now, that's just being mean." Magnus placed a hand on his chest, faking extreme offence.

"Oh, just shut up." Alec leaned in, taking Magnus' lips with his. Yeah, Magnus had gotten used to this. Alec could shut him up any day. Alec threw his hands around Magnus's neck as Magnus snaked his arms around his waist, pulling him closer. The thin fabric covering Alec's body left nothing to Magnus' imagination and he let out a soft moan as Alec's tongue slipped between Magnus' lips.

Ever since the moment in the library, something had changed between them. There was a new passion that Magnus was seeing in Alec. He was taking initiative and he was doing things he hadn't done before. He felt like that day had pushed Alec forwards and maybe, one day, he could go even further. It was a step for Alec, having done what they did and despite the one unfortunate circumstance, it had been an amazing and beautiful step.

Alec's hand wrapped itself into his dyed green hair and an electric current pulsed through Magnus as he pulled softly. Magnus pulled Alec closer to him, his hands wanting nothing more than to lose the itchy fabric between his hands and Alec's skin. At that moment, he didn't care about anyone or anything else. He was lost in a perfect oblivion with Alec and he knew that he was all he wanted. Alec was what he had searched for his whole life, what he had been missing for ten years. He made him feel like he was the only one in the world and he had never felt as happy and as at peace as he did with Alec.

Magnus softened the kiss slowly, moving his lips down Alec's jaw line. As his lips sucked on the smooth skin a distant thought that had been prickling in his mind finally broke through.

"God damn it!"

"What?" Alec looked up at Magnus surprised.

"Now we're going to be late."

"Only fashionably." Alec smiled as he held up his mask to Magnus.

Magnus grabbed the mask from Alec's head, placing it on his head as he pulled it down over his eyes. "I told you I couldn't restrain myself around you. You were supposed to stop me."

"Oops. Must have slipped my mind somewhere between your lips on mine and mine on yours. Sorry."

"You should be. Now come on, before fashionably late turns into missing the whole party." Magnus took Alec's hands in his and led him towards the dorm door. Alec held his hand down the hallway as no one was left in the building but them, but as soon as they stepped outside his hand was gone, and Magnus' was left to get cold as they walked to the party.

* * *

"And then she told me that it wasn't me, it was her. Please, like I haven't heard that one before. Bitch."

Alec sat amongst a bunch of Magnus' friends and acquaintances as one of them discussed how his girlfriend had just broken up with him. Alec really couldn't care less what the man was saying but he listened anyway. Not that listening was easy when he was distracted by Magnus. Magnus sat across from him, looking just as marvelous as he always did. Alec tried not to be distracted but his mind kept wondering off to what they could have been doing if they weren't there.

What they could have been doing there if Alec wasn't so afraid.

Looking around at Magnus' friends and the others at the party he kept thinking, which ones would accept him? Who would be okay with it and who would hate him for it? He knew he shouldn't be thinking such things but he always did in public. It was so easy behind closed doors but when he went elsewhere, he was plagued with these thoughts. It didn't help that every time someone looked at him he thought they somehow knew about him. It was like a waking nightmare, like the ones that stick with you for days after you have them. He just wanted it to go away. He knew what he had to do but he didn't know how to do it.

Alec stole a quick glance at Magnus. It was how he typically did it. If he didn't act like he was closer to Magnus than he was then people might not think anything of it. He hated doing it but it eased his fears and it made sitting there easier. Looking at Magnus he wanted to sit next to him and take his hand or have Magnus' arm around his shoulders, but those thoughts were dreams. Dreams that he could make come true if he could break through the nightmares.

Alec's attention was sparked even more when he saw a man walking towards Magnus. He was dressed as the Mad Hatter, his costume just as colourful and eccentric an interpretation as Magnus' was. His eyes were a piercing blue and his features were chiseled, angular, and perfect. He was tall and moved with a graceful gait, closing the distance between himself and Magnus in a few short steps.

He leaned down to whisper in Magnus' ear. "Hey stranger."

A shocked smile crossed Magnus' face as he looked up at the man behind him. "William! What the hell are you doing here? I thought you weren't coming until next week."

The guys went silent, turning their attention to Magnus and the Mad Hatter.

"I got in earlier than I expected. I figured I'd surprise you." The smile on his face spoke miles of arrogance and the look in his eyes as he looked at Magnus told Alec all he needed to know.

"Yeah, you did that. Well come on, sit down. It's been forever."

"I know." William took the empty seat next to Magnus which Alec was dreaming would have been his. "Too long." His eyes scanned the guys around him before dropping back on Magnus. "Going to introduce me?"

"Guys, this is William. William meet Ragnor, Joseph, Zach, Nathaniel, and Alec."

"It's nice to meet you all." His voice was low and Alec couldn't help but notice a tinge of arrogance in each syllable of his words. He already hated the guy and he hadn't even known him for a minute.

As Alec met William's eyes he felt a pang of jealousy and hatred whip through him. He saw instantly the way Magnus and William looked at each other and it only took him a second to know who William really was. There was a past between them and he could see it in the emotion that flashed through William's eyes and the connection that was more than highly visible. He was Magnus' ex-boyfriend. But he didn't care much about that fact. He cared more about why the hell he was there.

Alec met Magnus' gaze for a split second but he couldn't bring himself to look at him for any longer. He ripped his gaze away, trying as hard as he could to bury the anger that was about to explode within him. Why hadn't Magnus told him about this? If he had known his ex-boyfriend was coming shouldn't he have told Alec, given he was the present boyfriend? He knew that Magnus had had a boyfriend before Camille but he didn't talk about it a lot. He said they had left on good terms with each other, as was clearly obvious here, and that Magnus had learned a lot about himself from the relationship.

The whole situation more than pissed him off. The jealousy that flowed through him was electric and with each smile and laugh from William's mouth, Alec wanted to punch him in the face. He had never felt this way before, but in seeing William and the way he interacted with Magnus, Alec just wanted to leave. He also wanted an explanation from Magnus. He knew he should wait for an explanation before jumping to any conclusions but what he was seeing was explanation enough.

Alec knew William had given Magnus a public relationship, something Alec had yet to give him. William probably gave him everything he wanted from Alec, everything. Alec knew it was too damn good to be true.

"So William, what are you doing here?" Alec was snapped out of his angry mental thought process as Ragnor turned his attention to William. Alec looked at William, waiting for an answer. _Yeah William, what are you doing here?_

"Well, I just got back from a year in South Africa helping build schools for impoverished villages and I decided it was time I started school."

_Well aren't you just a saint._

"I planned on going to Alicante for their English program but then I thought Idris would be better, so I came here."

_Great, he's an English major. Could this get any worse?_

"Africa, huh?" Ragnor asked curiously.

"Yeah, I got involved there through my Uncle. He works with Doctors without Borders. I did three months in China before that and South America after high school."

_Yeah, it could get a lot worse. Thank you God. Thank you for playing cruel, cruel jokes on me, I really fucking appreciate it._

Ragnor continued to question William and within minutes, he was everyone's new best friend. Alec honestly couldn't find a single thing in him that was bad, despite the fact that Alec got the impression he was real full of himself, but you know, that impression could just be because Alec wanted to punch him in the face.

Alec drowned out the sounds around him, as he looked at Magnus. Magnus looked happy, which wasn't weird, but there was a different glow to his happiness. A different glow named William.

He caught each subtle movement that William made that screamed, 'He was mine once and I want him again'. The gentle brush of his hand down Magnus' thigh, or the soft whisper of his voice as he and Magnus shared secluded seconds. You'd have to blind to not see the way William looked at Magnus. He was like a goddamned lost puppy and it was sickening. Ex-boyfriend. Yeah, there was nothing that rang 'ex-boyfriend' in William's actions. Everything about his motions toward Magnus read, 'Let's ditch the 'ex' part and just be boyfriends.'

And god, did it piss Alec off. Who the hell was William to just barge in here and think he could get back with Magnus?

_Oh yeah, the ex-boyfriend who has absolutely no idea Magnus is taken because you're too cowardly to say Magnus is yours. Which is why Magnus will probably leave your pathetic ass._

_No he won't._

_Please, who are you kidding? He won't wait forever Alec. Relationships do not last in closets, because one day you will run out of oxygen. _

_Shut up._

_Just telling you what you already know. Don't be surprised if he leaves you for William._

_..._

Alec tried to snap himself out of his inner conscience battle by downing a discarded drink on the table. He didn't normally drink but at this moment in time the beer was exactly what he needed to calm his thoughts. He looked over at Magnus and William and slowly, he grew tired. Not tired physically, but tired of being around people and hiding something that at that moment was screaming to get out. He wanted to yell at William to back off his man, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. Not even the alcohol gave him the courage to do it. God, he was pathetic. He honestly wouldn't be surprised if Magnus left him for the perfect, blue eyed wonder known as William.

Alec took a deep breath as he leaned over to Magnus. "Hey, I'm going to go."

Magnus looked at him surprised, probably because Alec hadn't spoken all night. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah. I'm tired and I have a essay to write tomorrow. I'll see you in the morning." Alec forced a small smile as he stood up. He started away but stopped when Magnus grabbed his arm. Alec turned to look down at him. He really wasn't in the mood for whatever he had to say.

"Do we need to talk."

"Yeah, we do."

Magnus' hand dropped away as Alec turned and left the party. He started back to his dorm in a dark, depressed mood mixed with a disappointment that he wasn't at least feeling the effects of the alcohol. He had to say it would have made him feel a little bit better until the morning.

_We need to talk. _

Yeah, they should have talked earlier. Magnus should have told Alec that William was coming to the school; it was kind of something you informed somebody of. Magnus couldn't just say _Hey, this is William, my ex-boyfriend, _and just expect Alec to not be pissed off. Magnus should have told him.

Alec put his key in the door, pushing the door open as it clicked. He pulled his mask off solemnly, letting it fall onto his desk. He looked around the room feeling a sudden need to sleep fall over him.

Yeah, they'd talk in the morning.

* * *

"So how have you been?"

"Good. Never been better really."

Magnus and William sat on one of the many benches that littered Idris campus. The party was still going, although it was slowly settling down. Magnus and William had chosen to leave so they could go talk and catch up.

They hadn't really stayed in touch since after high school and hadn't talked much since their break up three years ago. Their break up had been on good terms and they had both gone their separate ways and Magnus was okay with that. Magnus didn't have any feelings for him anymore and had no intention of getting back with him. Magnus had given William his number and they'd corresponded maybe a few times since high school, but they'd never done any more than that. There was some hurt and some history between them, which was why they hadn't stayed in touch as much. William had said that he loved Magnus and Magnus had failed to say it back. He had failed because he didn't know if he did, and he didn't know if he could. That had broken them and after that, it was hard to rebuild a friendship. They were still friends, but not to the potential that they could be.

He had seen the look in Alec's eyes when William had come in. Magnus had feared it, known it would probably happen and he had mentally slapped himself a million times for not telling Alec earlier, but he just didn't know how to bring it up. _Hey, my ex-boyfriend's coming to this school now. _Not likely. There was just no way to put it without making Alec angry. So he had put off telling Alec the same way he procrastinated everything else in his life, and when William had arrived earlier than was expected, Magnus was forced to inform Alec the way he didn't want to. After it happened he realized it was the worst possible way of telling him and he knew now that he had a lot of explaining to do. _Yeah, I'm a fucking idiot, and Alec will make me fully aware of that in the morning._ The problem was that by telling Alec his story with William, he was opening up a whole other topic he wasn't ready to talk about yet.

Magnus didn't still have feelings for William. He knew that and William knew that. They were just friends-almost brothers at one point-but when he put himself in Alec's shoes, he realized how it could come off differently than that.

"Is that so? Who is it?" William asked curiously.

Magnus looked up at him. William had stripped off the hat and the crazy red wig, and now his black hair was a mess on his head. His blue eyes burned into Magnus'. His eyes were a dark, endless blue, very much unlike the soft light blue of Alec's. William's eyes held experience and a dark past similar to Magnus' own while Alec's were innocent and waiting to experience. Magnus hadn't intended to compare their eyes, but their eyes were his favourite attribute on both of them, and the comparison was a subconscious thought.

"What makes you think it's somebody?"

"'Never been better.' You've only said those words once, and that was when you were with me. So who is he? Or she? Are you still going both ways?"

Magnus rolled his eyes at William. "It's a him."

"Oh, good. Women never looked good on you, especially that bloodsucking blonde. What's her name?"

"Camille," Magnus answered.

"Yeah, Camille. I always thought she was bitch. Thank God you left her."

"You barely knew her."

"Still a bitch. Now come on, spill." William cocked an eyebrow at Magnus as he waited patiently.

Magnus leaned back on the bench as he looked at William. He suddenly remembered the one thing he missed the most was how easy it was to talk to William. "It's Alec."

"What, that one who was giving me the evil eye all night?"

Magnus just looked at him.

"Yeah, that would explain a lot. Here I thought he was just envious of my impeccable good looks."

"I see your time away hasn't eased the size of your ego," Magnus said.

"This isn't ego, this is fact." William grinned as he pointed to himself. He dropped his hands to play with his top hat. "Speaking of ego and one's sparkly good self, you haven't made a single comment about how marvelous you are all night. What's going on? Is it the fact Alec won't go public?"

Magnus sighed, clasping his hands between his knees as his eyes explored the dirt beneath his feet. "You noticed that huh?" William nodded. "Yeah, it is, but I hate to admit it."

"Why do you hate to admit it?" He stopped playing with his hat as he waited to listen to his friend.

"Because I told him I'd wait." Magnus let out another breath as he straightened up. "He's scared of what everyone will think, and I understand, so I told him it's okay and we'll work it out at his pace, but…"

"But you're tired of waiting because you want the whole world to know he's yours." Magnus nodded. "Yeah, I've heard these words before." He paused. "What are you going to do?"

"What I told him I'd do. Wait."

"Magnus, you can't wait forever."

"I will for him." Magnus fidgeted with a loose piece of nail polish, pulling it off. He looked down at his hands before looking up to meet the familiar blue of William's eyes. "He reminds me of what it feels like to truly be happy. He makes me feel like I'm special and he's shown me a new beauty to life. He makes me laugh, and smile, and cry, and he frustrates the hell out of me sometimes, but I feel like he's everything I need. He's breaking down my walls faster than I can rebuild them. He's touched a part of my heart and myself that no one's touched, and I'm falling head first for him. I'm letting myself go for him and I don't care." Magnus paused, letting what he just said sink in. "He's worth waiting for William. As much as it pains me to be ignored in public and treated almost like I don't exist I know he'll come out one day. When he does I'll be waiting and it won't hurt anymore."

"Are you sure Magnus?"

"I've never been more sure of anything in my life."

"Then just promise me something."

"What?"

"If he does come out and that pain goes away, don't get hurt by him otherwise."

"William…"

William cut him off. "Please. You've been hurt enough already by people you've loved, and I couldn't bare for you to get hurt again. Just promise me you won't."

"I won't."

* * *

Alec looked at himself in the mirror, his thoughts battling with his heart. His thoughts told him that William still liked Magnus and Magnus liked William while his heart told him Magnus didn't. His thoughts told him to run and they were corrupt with anger, while his heart told him to stay and let Magnus explain.

Alec was hurting. Seeing William that night had been tough, but seeing him in their European History class that day had been the icing on the cake. He saw the way he interacted with Magnus and he saw something different in Magnus's eyes when he was talking with William. He saw what looked like love, or a version of it. He saw Magnus with William, public relationship and all. The jealousy he had felt the night before was just a flame compared to the fire that burned inside of him now. William was everything Alec wasn't and he could give Magnus everything Alec couldn't. The jealousy overrode the anger within him but the jealousy just helped to fuel it.

Alec hadn't been able to muster up the ability to speak to Magnus yet. He had tried to bring himself to do it, but he was afraid he's say something he'd regret. He always did when it came to stuff like this. But, he knew he had to talk to Magnus. The tension between them was going to burst and if it didn't burst first, then the emotions in Alec would.

Alec took a deep breath before leaving the bathroom. He stopped when he saw Magnus standing there, waiting for him.

"Alec, we need to talk."

"I know." Alec looked up to meet Magnus' gaze. He tried to rein in the emotions flooding him but he knew before he even opened his mouth that this wasn't going to end well. Everything he wanted to say wasn't nice and everything he was thinking wasn't good. He was a fool to think Magnus would actually like him. He'd leave him for William, it was as simple as that. Alec took a deep breath. "I know he was your boyfriend."

"I figured as much."

"Were you planning on telling me that he was coming or was that your plan all along?" Ok, everything was going smoothly so far.

"I planned on telling you. I just didn't know how."

"You didn't know how?"

Magnus nodded.

"You could have said, 'Hey Alec, I just thought you should know my ex-boyfriend's coming to the school. Oh, and we're still really good friends but don't worry, the smiles and the eyes that are looking me up and down don't mean anything.' That would have sufficed." And there it was. He had said what he meant even if he shouldn't have. He saw the hurt that flashed through Magnus' eyes and instantly regretted what he had said. But only for a second, because within the lapse of that flash, his anger had ignited inside of him. Yeah, that would have sufficed.

"You know, this is exactly how I knew you'd react."

"Yeah, and how is that?"

"Jealous and irrational. Given that, you need to know that it wasn't exactly an easy thing to tell you."

"Sounds pretty easy to me." Alec crossed his arms over his chest.

"It's not Alec. Look, he contacted me two weeks ago and said he was coming. I haven't spoken to him in two years and I didn't expect him to show last night. He came early and I didn't have the time to tell you. I don't understand why you're making such a big deal about this. He's just a friend, nothing more."

"Oh please, I can see the way he looks at you. He still likes you. Hell, he probably loves you. I may be new to this but I'm not blind and neither am I stupid." And there was the jealousy, kicking in like a shot of whiskey.

"Alec, he doesn't…" Alec could hear the anger rising in Magnus' voice.

"Don't play dumb Magnus. He didn't just come to Idris for the English program, he came because of you. Anyone could see that."

"Goddamn it Alec!" Magnus snapped. "What the hell is your problem? He means nothing to me."

"He gave you everything you wanted didn't he? A public relationship. I know you want it Magnus. I see it in your eyes when we're in public, how it hurts you. You say you'll wait for me but how can I expect you to wait when you've got someone right there ready to give you everything you want." He scoffed. "I should have known this was too good to be true." Alec turned his back on Magnus. "You love him so you'll go back to him."

"Love him? Seriously Alec? Haven't we already had this damn conversation? I know you're scared and all but this is fucking ridiculous. You're being completely irrational."

"Am I?"

"Yes. You haven't once stopped to even let me explain, and instead you're jumping to conclusions about what I feel and about what I'm going to do. I know you're jealous Alec but I honestly thought you knew me better than that." Magnus let out an exasperated breath. "You are so wrapped up in your fears that you have become completely blind to the truth that is standing right in front of you. I don't love him Alec. I want to be with you. I've wanted nothing but you from the beginning. This isn't some fling to me Alec. This is so much more than that. I have given you pieces of myself no one has ever seen before. I have given you me Alec, because all I wanted was you. For once in my life I've had something that I never want to let go of, something that makes me finally feel alive. And that's you Alec. You. Not someone else. Can you not see that?"

Alec turned around slowly. "Magnus…"

"Forget it. I guess it's just too damn bad that this was too good to be true." Magnus turned around and Alec felt his heart break and shatter within his chest.

"Magnus, wait..."

Magnus turned around to look at Alec but when Alec couldn't form any other words Magnus just shook his head and left. He watched as Magnus walked away, the door closing loudly behind him as Alec felt his whole world fall away around him. This time it wasn't gone because he had Magnus, this time it was gone because he had lost Magnus.

What had he done?

He was an idiot. He was an idiot and he knew it. The best damn thing he had ever had in his life had just walked out the door and all because Alec had gotten jealous and angry and jumped to ridiculous conclusions. He had screwed up royally and Magnus would never forgive him for it. How could he? Alec was supposed to trust him and he had done everything but. He had thought the worst of Magnus and he had accused him of things that weren't true.

Alec backed up, feeling his back hit the wall. He took a deep breath, struggling with it as his lungs fought to reject it. He fell down to the ground as the world fell beneath him. He threw his head in his hands. He knew he should run after Magnus then and there as he kissed him and told him how much of an idiot he was and that he'd never do it again. That's how they did it in the movies and they all lived happily ever after. But this was real life and Alec couldn't just run after Magnus and tell him he was sorry and kiss him and tell him he was an idiot. Alec couldn't just tell the best thing that had ever walked through his door that he was sorry and honestly expect an apology.

If a heart could shatter, Alec's did at that moment. It shattered, and shattered, and shattered until the pieces weren't even recognizable. It wasn't a heart anymore, it wasn't even broken; it was nothing. Magnus was his everything and it had taken letting him walk away for Alec to notice that. Magnus was more than just a stolen kiss in a dark library, or a friend, he was a man that Alec had let his heart fall for. He was a man that Alec had given everything to without even realizing it.

He was a man that Alec was falling head over heels for, and he was a man that Alec wanted more than he wanted anything else.

Alec struggled to take in a deep breath.

_Run after him Alec._

_It's no use. I've apologized enough for being jealous. This overdid it._

_He could take it._

_He won't...he won't._

And so Alec sat there alone, thinking about the mess that he had just made of his life. His mother had always told him he needed to keep his emotions in check and think before he spoke, and he normally did, but something about this whole situation set him off. He was normally quiet and he kept his words to himself, but the way William looked at Magnus lit the jealousy inside of Alec and he just couldn't hold it back.

And now Magnus was gone.

And there was no chance he was coming back.

At least, Alec didn't expect him to.

* * *

Alright, so what did you guys think? I wanted to get you guys out a sugary sweet Valentine's Day chapter, but it just didn't work out that way in my plot line. Sorry. But hopefully this will suffice for now. Anyway, I will try and get the next chapter up sooner than this one was up, but I'll have to see how my life works out since my semester is ridiculously busy. But I will still make time to write, even if the updates aren't as quick. So bare with me. Anyway, let me know what you guys think. I'm curious. Thanks for reading. Until next time!

Be the change,

Amber


	13. Unsought

Chapter 13

Unsought

Hello my lovely readers! I'm back! You can thank my lovely beta for getting this back to me as fast as she did after I sent it to her. So warning ahead of time. This is not the make-up chapter. I don't want to get anyone's hopes up, because that will be next chapter. This chapter is different. Hopefully you like it. It went in a different direction than I had planned but I wanted to write it this way.

Thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter, your reviews are what fuels me to keep going and you are all amazing. I couldn't do this without my readers so thank you to everyone. I say thank you a lot don't I? Well, I mean it. Anyway, on to the chapter. Enjoy!

Songs:

Once Upon A Time-Bare

Ocean Wide-The Afters

Run-Thriving Ivory (Magnus to Alec)

* * *

The last few days had been hell.

Every attempt Alec had made to talk to Magnus had been fruitless and exhausting. Magnus had completely ignored him and between the two of them they spent about 9 hours a day in the dorm together, eight of which were spent sleeping and one of which was Magnus doing his daily routine in the bathroom. Magnus was always sleeping by the time he got back from his day and he was always up and gone by the time Alec woke.

They needed to talk. Badly. Alec didn't know what he would say to him but he couldn't leave it like they did. Alec had completely let Magnus walk out the door. He should have run after him, or something more than what he did. But he didn't because he was scared Magnus wouldn't take him back, considering Alec wouldn't take himself back. He didn't go after him because he was a coward and he wasn't used to facing the hard things in life. He thought Magnus would be a short relationship, an experience to say the least. But no, Alec had fallen hard for him and now his heart wanted no one but Magnus. With each passing moment that he wasn't in Magnus' arms, Alec felt himself falling deeper into the hole their fight had unearthed. He felt lost, like he was fumbling through the movements of his life. It felt wrong without Magnus. Magnus grounded him unlike anyone ever had and now the ground was far away, miles beneath his feet. Alec felt cold and alone and completely in the dark. He felt like he was a ghost, walking through his day barely aware of his surroundings or his own body. His mind was too distracted in replaying the days he had spent with Magnus that it didn't even register anything else. All it registered was the burning void that he was feeling inside of him.

He and Magnus had fought before and Alec was aware that Magnus withdrew into himself. Magnus got quiet and distant following a fight and he got snappy and rude. But all Alec had had to do was apologize and they were able to work it out. But this time, this time Magnus was so withdrawn that Alec couldn't find him. He couldn't even get close enough to apologize or to even say something relevant. And that severely pissed him off. It wasn't like he was the one completely at fault here. Magnus had been in close contact with his ex-boyfriend-key word 'ex'-and hadn't even bothered to mention it to him. Alec had reason to be mad and he wasn't the only one who had to owe up to an apology, albeit he was the one who owed up the most.

Alec looked up from where he sat on the couch as the door opened. It was one of the rare moments both Magnus and Alec were in the dorm at the same time. Magnus crossed the room without even a glance in Alec's direction. He felt a pain in his chest as he saw Magnus, but an anger also went through him. It was the anger he'd buried about being completely ignored like he didn't even exist.

"Magnus…" Alec was cut off swiftly by Magnus. Yet again. Surprise.

"Are you still going home for the weekend?" Magnus' voice was strained.

Alec took a deep breath as Magnus still refrained from glancing at him. "Yes. I catch my train in an hour."

"Oh well, have fun." Magnus had dropped his bag on his bed and had proceeded to the door to leave. Magnus stopped abruptly, his hand on the doorknob. He straightened, taking a deep breath. Hope flashed through him at Magnus' actions. Maybe he did want to talk. "Bye Alec." Or not.

The hope drained away like nothing, crashing over him. He knew where Magnus was going. He was headed for William's apartment. That was where he had spent most of the last few days and Alec was sure William knew all about them. Alec was also sure he was pretty damn happy about it.

Alec sighed as he brought himself to get off the couch. They needed to talk but clearly Alec wasn't going to be getting more than a 'bye' from Magnus. After the break. They'd talk then. Alec was sure Magnus would have calmed down by then, and maybe Alec wouldn't be so much of a coward then. He hoped he wouldn't because he didn't want to go the rest of his life having clipped conversations with Magnus when what he really wanted to do was hold him and call him his.

* * *

The taxi pulled up in front of his house and a wave of happiness rushed through him. God, how he had missed being home.

Alec paid the driver and after thanking him, he grabbed his bag and exited the vehicle. He listened as the car drove away as he stared up at his house. Yeah, it was good to be home. Now he would have one full weekend to forget about Magnus, about school, about his fears, and about telling the world. Well, not necessarily that last one since that haunted his every step, especially around his parents, but he was going to try. He was determined to enjoy his weekend and no glittered men were going to stop him. No…

Alec snapped out of his reverie when he felt a body run straight into his, knocking the breath from his lungs.

Isabelle's arms wrapped around him and a warmth spread through Alec. His arms went forward, pulling his sister deeper into the hug.

"Welcome home bro." Isabelle pulled away, a smile plastered across her face.

"Yeah, welcome home. It hasn't been the same without your ugly mug to scare me every morning," said Jace.

Alec rolled his eyes. "Thanks, I love you too." He pulled Jace into a hug and a realization fell over him. Seeing Jace and making contact with him didn't invoke the same feeling in him it usually did. He felt friendship, a brotherhood, and nothing more. He didn't feel like he wanted Jace anymore and he was more than slightly relieved. His infatuation with him he now realized was childish and it wasn't real. What he felt for Jace was something he had fabricated because he was safe. Jace was family and feeling for him was easier than feeling for someone else, like Magnus. Magnus. Magnus wasn't safe. He wasn't Jace and what he felt for Magnus was completely different from what he felt for Jace

Alec pulled away from him, leaving behind everything he had ever felt for Jace. As he looked up to see his parents, who stood on the porch, he felt another crash against the lower part of his body, and tiny arms embracing him. He looked down to see Max, big toothy grin and all. Alec smiled, ruffling his hair. "Hey bud, how have you been?"

"Good. Better now that you're back. I got new comic books. Can I show you them? Can I? Can I?"

Alec laughed at his little brother's enthusiasm.

"Let him get through the door first Max. You can show him later," Maryse said from the porch.

Max looked down at the ground, dejected. "Okay." Max sulked back up the porch steps and into the house.

"Welcome home son." Maryse embraced her son as Robert took Alec's bag from him.

"It's good to be home."

* * *

Alec threw his bag on the ground as he fell down onto his mattress. He stretched out on the cold covers, his eyes searching the white ceiling above him. He let the feeling of being home wash through him as he savoured the familiar scents and sounds. He hadn't realized how much he missed home until he had seen everyone again. Talking and sending messages back and forth wasn't the same. Alec felt like a void of loneliness was slipping away from him. He had always been family orientated and moving away to Idris had been hard because he'd only be able to see them on holidays. He had coped, but this just felt good.

Looking at his mother, he felt another void build within him. He saw the look in his mother's eyes, the look of her searching his every movement to see what was up with him. Alec may not have told her but she knew something was up. He knew he needed to tell her, to tell everyone. Maybe he'd be able to do it while he was there. Maybe he'd get the courage to tell them about who he was.

_Yeah Alec, because you're just full of courage. _

_I can do it. I almost did last time. _

_Hence 'almost'. You can't tell them. You're too afraid of them not loving you anymore. _

_Shut up. I've no need to be reminded of my fears, thank you very much. _

_Hey, I'm just stating the facts. Wake up and smell the flowers sunshine, you're gay and one way or another, your family will find out._

_Yeah, and one way or another they'll find out I'm crazy too. I'm frickin' talking to myself in my head._

Alec groaned, shaking his head to push away the constant inner battle he had with himself. One half of him thought he could do it and the other half just shoved his fears in his face and told him he couldn't. He just wanted it to end. He knew he could end it if he just said 'I'm gay.' It was simple as that wasn't it? Two words. Five letters. I'm gay. He just had to say it and then everything would be okay. Or would it? Would they just deject him? Isabelle knew and she still acted like she loved him, but Alec had this sinking feeling she wasn't as okay with it as she said. How could she be okay with it? Her brother was gay.

Alec closed his eyes, taking a deep breath as he tried to push away his fears. He tried not to think of what Isabelle thought or what Jace would think if he knew. He had promised himself that he would have a good weekend and by drowning himself in such depressing thoughts, he was breaking his promise to himself. But no matter how hard he tried to push them away, they were a constant nagging itch at the back of his brain, taunting him each and every second of the day.

_I'm a coward._

_You're not a coward._

The second voice in his head wasn't his, it was Magnus'. At the thought of Magnus he felt himself drop deeper into the dark hole that was surrounding him. Magnus had always encouraged him to tell his parents on his own time and that he'd tell them when he was ready. He had pushed Alec to come out of the closet but never to the extent that Alec felt pressured. Magnus was always a reassuring presence in Alec's fears and he was always a reoccurring presence in Alec's thoughts. He couldn't stop thinking about him no matter how hard he tried.

"Hey sunshine, wake up."

Jace jumping on his bed next to his head roused Alec, very rudely, from his thoughts. Alec groaned as Jace sat down.

Alec sat up slowly. "Is there a reason why you're in here?"

"Yeah, I wanted to grace you with my wonderful presence." Jace smirked as he lay back against Alec's pillows. "So what's new?"

Alec's gut clenched at what was new. A boyfriend. A pain that he'd never felt before. "Nothing."

"Nothing?" Jace repeated. "Come on, don't tell me you still haven't got laid."

"And why is that of any importance?"

Jace looked at Alec incredulously. "Why isn't it? Now come on, tell me."

Alec sighed in frustration at his comment. "No Jace, I haven't. Now can we not discuss my sex life?"

"Sex life? What sex life?" Jace threw his hands up in defense as Alec glared at him. "Sorry princess, didn't mean to get your panties in a bunch."

"I'm here not even fifteen minutes and you're already annoying the shit out of me. Do you just make it your vendetta to infuriate me?"

Jace nodded. "Yeah. And you can't blame me that you're incredibly easy to rile up. And that look you get on your face is priceless."

That look. Magnus said he had one too. _Goddamn it. _Why couldn't he just forget about Magnus for five damn seconds? It wasn't that he wanted to forget about him, but he might as well try and enjoy himself before he had to go back and face him. Thoughts of Magnus were haunting each action he made and it was even more infuriating than Jace.

"What look?"

"That one. Here, I can get you a mirror."

"Save it for yourself," Alec muttered.

Jace shrugged as a few seconds passed between them.

Alec stared at the ground, remembering the night of Halloween. Alec knew he'd fucked up royally. None of that should have happened and right now he should have been happier than he'd ever been in his life, but instead, he was wallowing in his misery.

"Dude, are you okay?"

Alec looked up at Jace. The sarcastic egotism was removed from his face, replaced with curiosity and concern.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"Don't you dare lie to me. You're more of a mope than normal, and that's a lot considering normal is an astronomical amount." Jace searched Alec's gaze. "Come on, spill."

"There's nothing to spill. I'm just happy to be home," he lied. Well, the first part was a lie; the second part was only partially one.

"If that's what you call happy then I think you really need to see a therapist."

"Thanks dude." _Maybe he's right though. Not only do you talk to yourself, but you've clearly got some issues you need to work out._

"Look, I'm not leaving until you tell me."

"Well then you're going to be here awhile since there's nothing to tell." Alec hated how people always seemed to know what he was thinking. He wished he was like Magnus and could just cover it up like nothing and no one would ever know. But he wasn't like Magnus. _And I'm thinking about him again. Great. _

"I don't believe you." Jace moved so he sat right next to Alec. He nudged him. "Come on. Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me..."

"Would you stop?"

"Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me!"

"Shut up!" Alec exclaimed, the words escaping in an exasperated breath. There was no way in hell he was telling Jace a damn thing.

Jace pouted his lips and nudged Alec again. "Tell me?"

"No."

"Please?" He nudged him again.

"No, there's nothing wrong with me. I just naturally PMS, remember? Now please, fuck off before I get a stronger urge to punch you."

"Hey, hey, virgin ears here."

Alec's eyes shot up to see Isabelle and a petite redhead standing in his doorway. He took the redhead to be Clary; Jace's new girlfriend. She had deep emerald green eyes, a mass of fiery red curls and small angled features. She was pretty, Alec would give her that. She definitely wasn't Jace's usual type since his usual was big-breasted blonde bimbos who thought the square root of pi was rainbow. Maybe his brother really was changing. Yeah, he doubted that.

"Virgin. Ha. Don't make me laugh," Jace said, warranting himself a glare from Isabelle.

"Watch it Wayland," she warned, her eyes steely.

"Oh, I'm so scared. What are you going to do, attack me with a stiletto?"

"I don't know. Do you want to give it a test?" Isabelle moved to grab the aforementioned stiletto from her foot, but was stopped by Clary.

"Come on guys. No one needs to die today."

Isabelle lowered her foot to the ground. "Yeah, today. No one said anything about tomorrow."

Jace raised his hand to bring focus to himself. "Well I did. I have no plans to die tomorrow, or the days after that for that matter."

"Then watch your mouth."

"Alec was the one swearing, not me."

"Alright guys, settle down," Alec cut in. He looked from Isabelle to Jace. Why they found the need to act like they hated each other would never make any sense to Alec. He looked at Clary who had also been playing mediator in the little spat and thought to change the subject. "Anyway, Clary. Since Jace has carelessly failed to introduce us, I'm Alec. It's nice to finally meet you. Jace has told me quite a bit about you."

Clary blushed slightly. _Thank god, I'm not the only one who blushes. _"Good things I hope."

"I've got nothing bad to say. She's amazing," said Jace, leaning back once more against the bed pillows. He grinned at Clary and Alec sensed a small silent exchange pass between them.

"Ugh, the thought of what I know is going through your head right now is disgusting," said Isabelle.

"Why do you jump to the conclusion that every thought I have is disgusting?"

"Because you're a 17 year old horny male who never got the memo to keep it in his pants." Isabelle turned her attention to Clary and went to speak when she was pushed out of the way by an exuberant Max. He was holding about a dozen comic books and the smile on his face brought a happiness to Alec. What he wouldn't give to be a kid again, where his only worry was whether Batman beat the criminal in the end of the comic.

"Alec, can we look at my comic books now? Clary gave them to me. You can join too Jace." He flashed a big smile in Clary's direction before looking back at Alec.

"Nice to know I'm the afterthought," Jace said.

"You three go ahead, we're meeting Simon at the library. We should be back in an hour and then we'll catch up." Isabelle smiled at Alec and before leaving, she cast a glare in Jace's direction. They both left leaving Jace, Alec, and Max alone.

"So can we?" Max asked.

"Sure Max. Come here."

Max walked over to the bed, throwing his comic books down before he got on. He positioned himself between Alec and Jace as he grabbed the first one. Reading comic books with Max was a common occurrence between the three of them. Whenever he got a new one, they would gather on someone's bed and read it. Max would constantly interrupt to comment or make reference to another comic but it was an hour that Alec always enjoyed. One, Jace was actually silent for more than 10 seconds, two, he got to spend time with them, and three, he was able to forget everything else that he'd been thinking about before. And now, for one hour he was forgetting about Magnus and how he had realized that he loved him.

* * *

"So Alec, what's been happening at school?"

Alec looked up at his mother from his half eaten dinner. _What's been happening? Things you don't want to know Mom. _"Nothing much. Just been really busy with schoolwork and stuff. We've got exams coming up."

"Stuff? What kind of stuff?" asked Jace.

"School stuff." _Actually, boyfriend stuff but I'd rather you didn't know that. _He could say it right then and there and just let them all know. He could say it and get it over with and he would never have to worry about it again. But no, he'd keep worrying because he couldn't tell them.

"Jace told us you got yourself a roommate."

Alec's heart skipped a beat. He had refrained from telling his parents about his roommate because it would lead to a conversation he didn't really want to have. But leave it to Jace to blab. Now he was going to have to tell his mother everything about his new roommate, well not everything because Alec wasn't doing that. "Uh, yeah. His name's Magnus."

"And what's he like?"

"He's nice." He was more than nice, how about wonderful? "He's an art and history major and he's a good roommate." Better than a good roommate.

"I told Alec there's no such thing as a good roommate, but he doesn't believe me," said Jace.

"Probably because Magnus is a good roommate Jace." Alec caught the flicker in Isabelle's eye and hoped that she would keep her mouth shut.

"Well, that's good. But you've seemed a little off today Alec. You said a few weeks ago that you wanted to say something important and then you brushed it off when I asked you about it. Is everything really okay? You know you can tell us anything."

_Ha! Yeah, I'm sure. _Clearly his mother wasn't aware of what it was he needed to say when she said he could say anything. But it would just be so easy to say it now, to just let the words fall and let the events play out from there. But he couldn't. He felt like he was falling and there was no one to catch him if he fell. There was no Magnus. He wasn't there with him. Magnus was his strength. Magnus was the one who stole away his fears and without him, Alec was just another scared child who didn't have the strength or courage to tell his parents he was gay. He wanted to tell them but he couldn't, and he knew that now.

Alec dropped his fork on the plate. "Yes, everything's fine." He snapped. He caught the looks everyone was giving and sighed deeply. _Damn it Alec, get your act together. You're like a walking billboard that says, 'Hey I've got a secret but I don't want to tell anyone.' You keep this up and they're going to be more than just curious. _"Sorry. Honestly I'm fine. There's nothing to worry about. I'm just stressed with school and I brought it home with me."

"You should learn to leave it behind Alec. You're here to have a good weekend and I don't want school ruining that for you," said , it wasn't school that was ruining it for him.

"I promise you it won't. I'll be better tomorrow." Alec glanced down at his plate as the family fell silent and continued eating. For once, Alec actually agreed with Jace, not that he'd admit it out loud. He was moping. He felt like shit. His heart was broken, his mind was reeling, he was scared, he was nervous, he was depressed, and he was hating himself for what had happened. He was so deep in the moping hole that he didn't know how he'd get out of it. He should have forced Magnus to talk to him and then maybe he wouldn't be feeling the way he was now. But if he had, what would he have said to him? Would he have honestly been able to tell Magnus how he felt or would he stumble over it as he stumbled through his life?

"Alright. Alec come on, I've been cleaning up the dishes for you while you've been gone and now that you're back, you're helping." Isabelle stood up, glancing at her brother with a mischievous glint in her eye as she walked away.

Alec groaned as he stood up. "Fine." He collected his plate and Jace's as he and Isabelle started for the kitchen.

Alec scraped off the excess food into the garbage can before rinsing the plates off and setting them in the dishwasher. Alec turned to go collect more but was stopped by Isabelle grabbing his arm. He looked at her. He knew there was a bigger reason to him helping with the dishes than she originally let on.

"We're going to talk."

"Can I say no?"

"No."

"Fine."

* * *

"Alright, what's up? Where's Alec and what have you done with him?" Isabelle closed the door behind her as she made her way over to Alec's bed. She sat down, moving over so Alec could follow suit.

"He's right here." Alec moved to sit down next to her.

"Nuh uh. This is like one of those stupid movies where you wake up and realize everyone you know has been replaced with aliens." Isabells shuddered inwardly. "So what's up? Did you and Magnus fight?"

Alec groaned, looking away from Isabelle. "Is it that obvious?"

"To me yes. To the rest of the family you're just extremely moody and in the need of a major stress reliever." Isabelle smiled softly, trying to meet her brother's gaze. "So tell me, what happened?"

"I don't know, we fought." Maybe it wasn't so bad that Isabelle knew about him and Magnus. This way for once in his life he could actually talk to someone besides himself about how he was feeling. He had to say, answering your own conversations eventually got you nowhere but back to the beginning.

"And?" she asked, urging him onwards.

"And I just let him walk out the door."

"Now Alec, I knew you were an idiot, but really. You never just let a man him walk out the door."

"Iz, please." She wasn't making the situation any better than it was. She was just making him feel like more of an idiotic piece of shit than he already did.

"Sorry," she said. "Go on."

"Well, we fought."

"I got that. Over what?" she asked.

"I got jealous. His ex-boyfriend showed up and he wasn't so subtle about the way he felt towards Magnus."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah, and William just transferred to Idris to join the English program. He just showed up on Halloween and Magnus said that he was going to tell me but he didn't know how to say it. I got angry and I accused him of still loving William. I saw the way William looked at him, it was undeniable and for some reason I didn't want to believe that Magnus was telling me the truth about them. I called Magnus out on not wanting to wait for me and I said that he would go back to William because William could give him everything he wanted."

"And what did Magnus say?"

"What, when I finally let him speak?" God, Alec felt terrible. If there was a prize for failing epically at a fight, Alec would have won it. He had done everything wrong and that was why he was where he was. "I never even gave him a change to explain and I just stood there and accused him of ridiculous things because seeing William made me jealous. He reminded me of all the things I wish I could give Magnus and I was angry and I took it out on him. When I finally let him speak, he told me he didn't love William and all he wanted was me. Then he told me to forget it and he left and I didn't run after him." Alec stopped and let his words hang in the air between them. Saying it all out loud made Alec hate himself more for what he had done. He had been such an idiot and he couldn't hammer that point into his brain anymore. Saying it all aloud make Alec realize that everything he had said was wrong and completely irrational. But still, Alec saw that look in William's eyes; that he couldn't deny.

"Why didn't you run after him?"

Alec looked up at Isabelle. He had expected her to enforce his realization that he was an idiot, not to ask him that. He let a few more seconds pass. "Because I'm a coward."

"That doesn't make you a coward Alec, just an idiot."

"Thanks Izzy." Alec looked down at the ground mournfully.

"Seriously though Alec, many people wouldn't have run after him. You fought Alec, that's natural when you're dating someone. You didn't honestly think it was going to be all glitter and rainbows did you?"

_Glitter and rainbows. Magnus is all glitter and rainbows._

"No. I may not have had a relationship before but I read. I understand how these things work," Alec said. But how much could a book really teach you? It was different when it came to real life and understanding things for yourself.

"Then you understand that people have had worse fights then that and still gotten back together. You've just got to go after it Alec."

"I think I already lost that chance."

"No, you haven't." Isabelle placed a reassuring hand on Alec's arm. "If you mean as much to him as I believe you do then he'll at least listen. Then it's up to you to convince him that you really want him and are in it no matter what."

"And how do you know that'll work?" Isabelle had dated, but nothing serious. She had flings, she went on dates, she did not, however, have boyfriends. When she fought with a guy, she moved on to his best friend, so how was she so learned in how relationships worked?

"I read too Alec. And besides, someone has to know how to solve these things since you're completely clueless."

"I am not clueless."

Isabelle just glared at him.

"Alright, you're right. So you really think he'll listen?"

"Hey, I'm never wrong." She smiled. "Come here." She threw out her arms to take Alec into a hug.

"Really?" He didn't understand Isabelle's affinity to hugs.

"Yes really. Now come on before I force it upon you." She glared at him.

Alec sighed as he relented and hugged his sister. It felt good to have her there with him. Originally, he was scared when Isabelle found out but it hadn't changed a thing between them. Isabelle had just become a reassuring voice in his head and a person that he could talk to. A small weight was lifted from his shoulders at telling her and talking to her about it. And she was right. To fix it, he just had to tell Magnus that he felt the same. He had nothing to lose and he would regret it if he didn't.

He just needed to go back to Idris and go to Magnus and tell him the truth. That he wanted him and that this was serious to him. It wasn't some joke, or just some fling. It was so much more than that to him. It had taken him a little bit to realize that and so he hoped that he hadn't taken to long. Had he ruined everything completely with Magnus or was there a chance that they could have something again? Would Magnus forgive him for what he had said, for what he had done?

Alec could only hope that he would.

* * *

So good, bad? Personally it's not my favourite chapter but I liked writing as Isabelle and Jace for this. Hopefully you all understand why I did this chapter this way. I wanted to give time between the fight and the make-up for Alec and Magnus to figure things out and calm down from what happened. Now the next chapter will be the make-up. I think that's considered a spoiler but none of you can really be surprised right? Anyway, it will live up to the rating and it will be a first for me, so we'll see how it goes. I'm setting off to try and hammer some of that out now. Also, I added some extra pictures on my profile of the characters and locations if anyone was curious. Alright, so until next time my lovely readers. Thanks for reading!

Be the change,

Amber


	14. Untouched

Chapter 14

Untouched

Hello again my lovely readers! I'm back! Thank you all for the lovely reviews you left me on the last chapter, they absolutely made my week. They're the bane of my writing existence and you guys keep me going. Thank you!

So here's the make up you've all been waiting for. Hopefully it's okay. There is mature content and it's my first time writing that so bare with me. I tried my best writing it and hopefully it turns out okay. So I will let you all read now. Enjoy!

Songs-

Say-John Mayer (Alec to Magnus)

Aftermath-Adam Lambert

While the Candle Still Burns-Thriving Ivory

* * *

Alec had spent the rest of the weekend in a better mood than when he had got there. His parents and Jace had refrained from asking him if something was wrong and he had actually been able to enjoy the small amount of time he had with them. He kept thinking about Magnus but instead of dread, he felt elated and excited about getting back and trying to patch things up.

There was something about Magnus that made him feel different. Alec felt safe, happy, and completely at peace in Magnus' arms. He felt like a piece of him had been missing his whole life and Magnus was it. He felt like Magnus was all he'd ever need in his life to be happy. He wanted a future with him, he wanted to tell the world Magnus was his, and he wanted him, every single part of him. He was an idiot not to have realized it before and he just hoped it wasn't too late.

Alec slid his key into the door. _Please tell me I'm not too late. _The lock clicked and he slid his key out as he opened the door. The familiar scent of Magnus and Chairman Meow hit his nose and it brought a smile to his face. That scent had become such a part of his life that he didn't realize how two days away could make him miss it.

As he walked through the door, the aforementioned cat came and rubbed against his legs. Chairman purred as Alec bent down to scratch behind his ear. So the cat was pleased to see him, but what about his owner?

Alec looked up at that thought to see Magnus perched on his bed, his sketchpad in his hand. He was drawing frantically, his hand skimming effortlessly over the page, as he once again got lost in his art. Alec knew it was impossible to get through to Magnus when he was drawing and knew that he wouldn't even have registered that Alec had come in the door.

Alec felt his heart drop. What if Magnus had given up on him? If Alec was him he would have ages ago. What if Magnus had gone back to William? _Damn it Alec, wasn't it those thoughts that got you in trouble in the first place? _Alec sighed, as he set his bag down on his bed. He looked over at Magnus and just stood there, admiring him for a few seconds. He looked as impeccable as he always did. His hair was spiked in its normal style and was void of any colour but black. He had on a neon green shirt underneath a sparkly black vest and tight black leather pants that Alec had come to appreciate more and more as they were together. But it wasn't the view of how perfect his ensemble made him look that Alec wanted to see, it was his eyes that Alec wanted to see. He hadn't seen his eyes since their fight and he was dying to see something besides anger and sadness in his eyes.

Alec wanted to speak to him but he didn't want to interrupt him, since he knew he'd get bitched out if he did. There was nothing Magnus hated more than being interrupted while drawing or during his morning routine.

Alec sat down on his bed to wait for Magnus to finish. Thankfully, he didn't have to wait long. Just as he sat down, Magnus set his pencil down. He sat there quietly for a few seconds before Alec found the ability to talk. "Magnus, I…I'm sorry." He hadn't intended for his lips to form the empty words of 'I'm sorry' but they did. Then again, how else was he supposed to start? He really was sorry. He looked at Magnus as he bit his lip.

"I've heard that one before Alexander." His voice was cold and void of emotion. Alec wasn't sure if he'd feel better if he could hear something in his voice; at least maybe then he could gage how Magnus was feeling.

Alec took a deep breath. He knew that Magnus needed more than that to forgive him. "Magnus I…I want to be with you, more than I've wanted anything in my life before. I've realized that what I feel for you…I can't deny that. It's amazing…and with you I don't feel scared anymore. I want you more than anything else in the world Magnus, and I can see that now. I really am sorry. I know that means so little but I don't know what else I can say to you." Alec paused as Magnus looked up from his sketchpad. Alec met his gaze and he saw it there. There was no anger like there was that night but there was sadness. He saw pain too, and underneath it all, he thought he saw a light. Magnus' eyes wavered, something they rarely did, and Alec knew Magnus had heard him.

He took a deep breath before starting again. "And I understand if you don't feel the same way anymore. I mean, I wouldn't. What I did was stupid and wrong and I never should have accused you like I did. I realize now how much of an idiot I was. I was wrong Magnus. I am so sorry and I just hope you can forgive me."

Magnus didn't answer. He just looked at him, as if waiting for something.

"Magnus, I'm sorry."

Magnus still didn't say anything. Instead, he smiled and Alec could see the sadness and the pain disappearing.

"Say it again."

"I'm sorry? I thought that didn't work anymore."

Magnus laughed softly. "No. Say _it_ again."

"'It'? What's 'it'?"

Magnus smiled even bigger than before. "You can be so clueless sometimes darling." He stood up, crossing the space to Alec's bed in a few short steps. Alec stood up to meet him. They stood a few inches from each other and Alec could feel the happiness growing within him. He felt like he had a chance. Maybe Magnus would forgive him. That smile and the light that was growing in his eyes was enough to spark hope inside of Alec.

"To add insult to my intelligence, I still don't know what 'it' is."

Magnus grinned. "Think."

Alec thought back to what he had said and suddenly it clicked.

"I want you."

"And?"

And? There was an 'and'? _Oh…_"I want you more than anything else in the world."

"There." He smiled, pausing. The smile slipped from his features, replacing his face with a blank look. "Alec, you had no right to react like that."

"I know."

"You should have let me explain."

"I know." Slowly Magnus was making him feel worse about what he'd done, but he deserved it.

"You've got to stop being so jealous."

"Yeah, I really know that one." Alec had definitely learned his lesson and there was nothing more to say on that matter.

"I'll admit I made a mistake Alec. I should have told you earlier about William, and for that, I am sorry."

"And I'm sorry for reacting the way I did. I shouldn't have."

"We both shouldn't have done what we did." Magnus took Alec's hands in his as he let out a soft sigh. "I still feel the same way about you as I did two days ago. Despite you being a complete idiot, I still want you." He traced a hand down Alec's face, sending a shiver through him. He hadn't realized how much he loved the feel of Magnus' touch until he had done that. His hand came under Alec's chin, lifting it slowly. "And hearing you say it too makes how much I feel for you so much better." He smiled softly. "I was scared you wouldn't feel the same way, that this didn't mean that much to you."

He was scared. Alec had a hard time believing that when he'd never seen Magnus scared as long as he'd known him. "You were scared?"

"I didn't want to lose you."

"And here I thought _I'd_ lost _you_."

"No. I'm not going anywhere until you tell me to." They both smiled as Magnus brought Alec's face to his lips. The kiss was soft, but it spoke volumes to both of them. It spoke about love and everything they felt for each other._ Love. _Yeah, that was a scary possibility. But at that moment, it didn't matter to Alec. He knew in that moment that all he needed was in Magnus' arms and he didn't want anything else. Right here, right now, was where he wanted to be as long as he could. He had never felt so happy in his entire life. Magnus made him feel like he could do anything because with Magnus, the whole world meant nothing. The only thing Alec saw was Magnus, the only person he cared about was Magnus, and the only one he wanted to be with was Magnus.

Magnus' hands moved to wrap around Alec's waist, pulling him closer as the kiss intensified. "God, I missed you," he muttered before his tongue darted between Alec's lips, touching and caressing in all the right places. He always knew what to do and never failed to elicit a shock of need through Alec's body. He moaned against Magnus' lips as Magnus moved to take his lower lip between his. His hand trailed up Alec's side, moving underneath his sweater to grab his side and pull him closer. Not an inch separated their bodies and they moved as one, each action drawing a reaction from the other.

"So, does that mean we're okay?"

Magnus laughed against Alec's lips. "Babe, we're more than okay." He smiled before taking Alec's lips with his again.

Alec could feel Magnus' heart beat against his chest, beating in rhythm with his own racing heart. The fire that burned inside of him was beautiful. It was the fire of what he felt for Magnus and what Magnus meant to him. He would never have thought that two months ago he would be where he was now. But he didn't care because this was so much more than he had ever dreamed of. He had never asked for anything or wanted anything, and here he had the best thing he could have ever asked for. Right now, life was good. Life was beautiful.

He jumped slightly when Magnus' hips brushed against his own. His cock was hard beneath the straining leather, rivaling Alec's own growing erection. God, he wanted him. The sensation that one connection sent through him was unbelievable. They had never gone any further than kissing but at that moment, Alec really wanted to take a step, a very big step, with Magnus. It was like every other coherent and reasonable thought went out the window. Magnus was all he could think of, all that he could see. Nothing else made sense to him at that moment except for the way he felt for Magnus. It was like his want for Magnus-his want for everything Magnus-was taking him over.

Magnus' hands continued to trail up Alec's sides and they broke apart for one second to allow Alec's sweater to slip over his head and onto the floor. He shivered as the cold air bit at his naked skin, but was warmed as Magnus's hands moved softly down his back, tracing the lines of his spine. He let the feel of Magnus' hands against his skin overtake him. The soft feel of Magnus' manicured fingers sent a chill over Alec's skin, and elicited an even brighter reaction when his nails scraped softly down Alec's skin to rest his hands lightly at Alec's hips.

Alec's hands fell back to Magnus' shoulders where he slipped his vest off, letting it fall carelessly to the floor. Unconsciously he moved his hands to the hem of Magnus' shirt and slowly, he pulled that over his head, discarding it with the rest of their clothing. His hands traced down Magnus' chest and, inch by inch, he felt raised lines in his skin. Alec pulled away from his lips unintentionally. It was the feel of the scars beneath his skin that surprised him. He had only seen them slightly and in the light, they were small and barely noticeable, but up close they were rigid and deep, far worse than he had thought. What had happened to him to cause such scars? A pain ripped through Alec as he traced his fingers over one. He could only imagine what sort of pain he had gone through to get such scars.

Alec looked up into Magnus' eyes and he knew he didn't have to ask for Magnus to understand. He saw pain flicker in Magnus' eyes and it hurt Alec even more to know something like this had happened to him.

Magnus placed his hands over Alec's. "Another day Alec." He pulled Alec's hands away from the scars, dropping their hands so they were clasped at their sides. "I told you there was more to my story, but I don't want to tell it tonight. Tonight I just want to be with you. Can I do that?"

Alec nodded. "Okay."

"Thank you." Magnus smiled, meeting Alec's eyes. Without even a second to think and catch try to catch himself, Alec was lost in the swirling yellow and green of Magnus' eyes. They were magnificent and they told so much. He didn't know what, but they told a story.

Magnus quickly closed the new distance between them, his chest an inch away from Alec's cold and yearning skin. His hands fell to Alec's belt buckle but they made no motion to do anything. Alec's heart skipped a beat at the thought of what was inevitably about to happen. The motion suddenly sent a wave of fear through him. He was ready to take a step but he didn't know if he could go that far. He had been so caught up in his want for Magnus he hadn't thought about what that wanting entailed.

"Magnus…wait."

Magnus looked up to meet Alec's gaze. "What is it, love?"

"I can't do this."

"What do you mean?"

"This…" He couldn't even get the word out.

"Sex?"

Alec blushed, nodding.

Magnus smiled, moving his hands from Alec's belt buckle to his biceps. He rubbed his hands up and down his skin lightly. "I'm not going to force you to do anything you're not willing to do, so don't feel pressured until you're ready."

"I just…" God he wanted to, but he knew he couldn't and he wanted to remember his first time. There was the fact he was scared of having sex and was completely not ready to go that far yet, whether it was with Magnus or not.

"You're not ready Alec. I understand."

"Honestly?"

"Yes. Are you thinking I'm lying to you?"

"No…I just…I'm sorry." Alec bit his lip, feeling more than slightly uncomfortable standing there half naked and telling his boyfriend he didn't want to do anything.

"Don't apologize Alec." He paused, a mischievous light flickering in his eyes. "There are things we can do besides sex." And in the word _things,_ Alec heard the perfect inflection that still indicated sexual themes.

Alec looked up in surprise. What else could they possibly do? He felt a blush cross his face. This was definitely not the type of conversation you had every day, hell Alec had never had it.

Magnus laughed as he moved his hands down Alec's skin. "And I thought _my_ mind was in the gutter. Your mind goes directly to sex and forgets that there's other ways of pleasuring someone."

Alec's blush grew more red as his mouth opened to speak, but closed as no words came together in his brain. Instead, he just let out a soft exasperated breath which Magnus caught as he pressed his lips once again to Alec's. _Oh, God._ If Magnus kept that up Alec just might say fuck it and do it. The need that was building inside of Alec was unbearable and sooner or later something needed to be done or he was going to burst.

"So what do you say? Do you want me to do it?" Magnus muttered against his mouth.

"I don't even know what _it_ is," he admitted innocently.

* * *

Magnus smiled. "God, you're amazing." And with that, he pushed Alec down onto the bed, following with his body to lay on top of him. He placed a deep but quick kiss to Alec's lips before trailing them down his chest, licking at the exposed skin with his tongue. He felt Alec shiver underneath him but the boy didn't protest. Magnus took that as a good sign. He took his time, kissing each line of Alec's torso before stopping just before his pant line. He grinned as he undid Alec's belt buckle and slid the belt slowly from the loops.

"Do you want it?" He looked up at Alec from under his eyelashes. As much as he wanted to work Alec over, he couldn't just take advantage of the boy. It was Alec's choice on how fast he wanted to take it. Magnus wasn't going to push him any further than he was willing to go. There was a fine line between comfortable and uncomfortable.

Alec blushed deeper, which just added to the whirlwind of feeling rushing through every inch of Magnus' body. "O…kay."

Hearing that word and all the other ones previously from Alec's lips had lit up an undeniable need in Magnus that was to the point of driving him insane. He wanted Alec, he hadn't lied when he said that. He wanted Alec in every sense of the word and having him come back was so much more than Magnus could ever have asked for. He had been furious with Alec only 30 minutes ago, but now he wanted nothing more than to ravish and mark him in a way he had never been before. Magnus prided himself on his abilities and was determined to make this memorable for Alec. Now, if only the boy would relax…

"Baby, relax." Magnus looked up at Alec from his position above his hips. He met Alec's eyes and he saw them soften. "I'm not going to hurt you." Understanding flashed in Alec's eyes. Magnus understood what the boy was going through and he didn't want to scare him away from sexual actions forever. He was here to alleviate Alec's fears, not instill more.

Magnus turned back to Alec's pants. He undid the button with ease as he slipped the zipper down. He hooked his fingers under the jeans and Alec's boxers, sliding them effortlessly down Alec's hips, freeing his erection as he threw them down on the ground. _Damn, Alec. _The sight of Alec lying there, naked and innocent, was breathtaking. Magnus' own erection jerked but this wasn't about him. He was going to pleasure Alec, and as much as he wanted to take him then and there, he needed to take it slow.

Slowly, he began to caress his hand up and down, just savouring the moment. He stayed there for a few minutes, slowly building pressure. He kept his eyes level with Alec's as he took in each pleasurable change in Alec's features. Watching Alec there was enough for Magnus and he slowly let go and let himself fall into the moment, letting the gravity of it overtake him. Alec had given himself over to him, not completely, but he had taken what Magnus had given him and hadn't shied away or ran. It meant so much to realize that. He knew it was just one sexual action but to give yourself to somebody meant so much than just an action. It was like seeing someone in a completely different light. You saw their imperfections and their fears and their wants, all there in one single moment. Here with Alec, he saw how scared the boy was of the future and what would become of him. He saw how much he just wanted to be held and to be loved. Magnus saw in Alec what he saw every day: a perfect, amazing man that his heart was falling head over heels for. It took Alec coming back to realize that. What he felt wasn't make believe; it was real. It was scary and it hurt, but it was so, so real.

Alec sucked in a breath as Magnus slowly increased the pressure of his strokes. He watched Alec, as with each increased stroke he elicited a lovely moan from his mouth. Their eyes met as Alec took in a deep breath to steady himself, his body slowly relaxing beneath Magnus. God, did he ever look beautiful lying there, open to everything Magnus was giving him.

"God, Magnus." His fists clenched in the sheets around him.

"More baby?" Magnus asked, meeting Alec's closed eyes. He nodded, biting a lip as the ever-beautiful blush decorated his pale skin. "Well, since you asked." He placed his hands on Alec's hips as he lowered his face to him. He flicked out his tongue, drawing a deep moan from Alec's throat. His hips rocked under Magnus' hands. Magnus trailed his tongue down the length of Alec's shaft before he took the first inches of him into his mouth. He continued down lower as Alec's grip on the sheets increased.

Magnus glanced up at Alec, catching a look of complete and utter bliss on his boyfriend's face. Well, if he'd known he'd get that nice of a reaction from him, he would have done this eons ago. Alec looked so at peace there, his eyes half closed, his face a mix of utter bliss and ecstasy. His skin was a soft red shade and his eyes sparkled, as blue and as beautiful as they'd ever been. Magnus smiled before taking Alec to the base. He shifted his angle, taking him deeper as Alec's hands moved to Magnus's hair. They found their place there, pushing Magnus deeper. Magnus' name escaped from Alec's lips in such a way that could have kept Magnus happy for the rest of his life.

"God…I'm going to…Magnus…"

_Go ahead baby, go ahead._

Alec continued to move his hips with Magnus' motions, his body becoming accustomed to the up and down movement. Alec's hands loosened themselves from Magnus' hair and moved back to the sheets. Magnus looked up at him from where he was and knew he was close to release. Magnus quickened his movements, leading Alec through it slowly. Baby steps. He wasn't going to rush a single a part of their relationship and he was going to savour each and every second.

"God, don't stop. Don't stop!" Alec twitched in Magnus' mouth, bucking his hips before releasing the hot liquid down Magnus' throat. Magnus swallowed before slowly easing himself back up, grazing his teeth across Alec's skin, darting his tongue out quickly to lick Alec's head before straightening to look down at Alec.

Alec, who was breathing heavy where he lay. The look of ecstasy on his face was absolutely beautiful, and his body was limp against the bed. His eyes were closed as his breathing settled down slowly as the minutes passed. Magnus smiled knowing that he had pleasured his boyfriend in a way he'd never been pleasured before. Magnus' own erection needed some sating but right now, he cared only for Alec. To know that he had caused such a look of peace on his face was enough for him right now.

He sat there staring at Alec as he waited for him to recover. Alec shifted slightly, taking a deep breath before opening his eyes. His eyelids were heavy, and his eyes exhausted, but happy. Magnus smiled at him as he leaned down to his kiss his waiting lips.

"That…was…amazing." A small blush crept across his face.

"It's one of my many talents." He placed another kiss to the crook between Alec's neck and his collarbone. _Just wait until you see my other ones. _He'd wait for that, because this, well, this was good enough right now. And then maybe one day Alec would get up the courage to do it too. But until then, and until the day Alec was ready to give up his V-card, Magnus would be happy right where he was.

Alec let out a breath as he smiled. "I like what _it _is."

"I told you you would." He met Alec's eyes as he tucked a stray lock of hair behind Alec's ear. "One day you'll be ready to let me pleasure you properly, but until then I think that sufficed pretty well."

"God, yes," Alec said through soft breaths. "That…was not what I was expecting."

"Yes, we established that you were unaware of what a blow job was," Magnus teased.

"I knew what a blow job was. That just wasn't what I what I was thinking about at that moment in time," Alec defended, growing even redder. Alec would never know now much that small splash of red did to him.

"It's okay, not all of us are blushing virgins like yourself." Alec grew impossibly redder as Magnus smiled, capturing Alec's swollen lips once again. He took Alec's bottom lip with his, dragging his teeth across the wet skin as Alec sighed. He continued to play with Alec's lips but stopped when Alec moved underneath him.

"Magnus?"

Magnus looked down at Alec. "Yeah?"

"I…Well, I should do the same for you," he muttered, biting his lip in a clearly uncomfortable state. Magnus couldn't get over how adorable Alec looked in that moment. He looked so innocent and clearly incapable of doing what he was implying. He was still exhausted, his body sated in all the right ways. Magnus loved that Alec would offer up such a thing and it lightened his heart, but Alec didn't need to anything to make Magnus any happier than he already was.

Magnus smiled. "I appreciate the gesture babe, but not now. When you're ready."

"But…"

"Shh." Magnus placed a finger to Alec's lips before once again taking his lips with his. He'd wait until Alec was ready. He'd told Alec that from the beginning and nothing had changed. He'd waited for Alec to grow comfortable with them to do that, and so he'd wait for Alec to do it him, and for him to go public. He'd wait as long as Alec needed, but of course, he'd give some gentle prodding in the right direction.

Alec pulled away abruptly, throwing his head in his hands.

Magnus looked at him. "Baby, what's wrong?" Magnus pulled Alec's hands away from his face.

"We just…well, we just…you know."

"Performed oral sex," Magnus stated blatantly.

"Yes!" The embarrassing shift in Alec's features when Magnus said oral sex was enough to make Magnus laugh at how adorable he was, but Magnus refrained. "And we have neighbours." He threw his head back in his hands. "God, someone had to have heard."

"No one heard."

"Really? Did you hear me?" Alec exclaimed.

"Yes I did, and it was quite beautiful I might add."

"Oh, god." He buried his face deeper in his hands.

"No one heard Alec. Well, except Chairman who I will apologize to later, but that couldn't be helped." Magnus placed a hand on Alec's reddened face, massaging his thumb along Alec's cheek. "Baby, these walls were built to keep the noise in. We know perfectly well what's going on next door but we've never heard it. Our secret's safe." He smiled, trying to reassure Alec. "I can do whatever I want to you and no one will ever hear a thing."

"How do you know that?"

"Because I'm all-knowing and awesome, that's how." He smirked, warranting himself a glare from Alec. "Don't deny it. Look at this. I am marvellous and you know it."

A smile twitched at Alec's lips. "Don't flatter yourself."

"I'm offended. You don't think I'm marvellous?"

"No."

Magnus leaned back. "Ok, now that's just being mean. I do that for you and this is how you repay me."

"No, this is how I repay you." Alec wrapped an arm around Magnus' neck, grasping his hair to pull him down to Alec's lips. Alec's tongue darted into Magnus' mouth, as Magnus let out a moan of happiness. Having Alec like that was amazing and he knew taking those baby steps was worth it. Now he had Alec all to himself and he was growing to be more sure of himself as each day passed. One day, he would assuage all of his fears, and one day, he wouldn't be afraid. Magnus would admit, he'd miss the impromptu blush that crept onto his face on cue every time the mention of other people knowing came up, but Magnus would find other ways to make Alec blush.

Magnus pulled away softly. "I'm glad you came back."

"I'm glad you took me back."

* * *

So, what did you all think? Should I refrain from mature content ever again or was it a reasonable attempt? I hope it wasn't terrible. Anyway, I thought i'd let you all know in regards to upcoming updates. Next week will be the last update for a few weeks. I'm going to Europe for Spring Break and will have no time to write for around two weeks in March. So I will get you all an update next week and then another one hopefully two weeks from then. But I can't be sure so please bare with me if following next week's update there isn't another one for a little while. I will try to write in Europe but will have no access to a computer so it will just be me and my trusty notebook on the trip. Anyway, I love you guys and you are all amazing. Thank you so much for reading. Until next week!

Be the change,

Amber


	15. Unbroken

Chapter 15

Unbroken

Helly my lovely readers! So i'm back. First I'd like to thank all of you for such lovely reviews and for making me feel amazing. I definitely feel better about everything now and the reception on that chapter was far more then I could have ever hoped for. Thank you so much. Secondly, thank you to my wonderful beta for getting this to me so fast and for giving me such amazing words of encouragement. You are amazing. Now, this is the last chapter for a few weeks now. I think it's a good chapter to leave you all with and I hope you think so too. Enjoy!

Songs:

Pieces-Red (Magnus)

Perfect-Hedley (Magnus to Alec)

Fix You-Coldplay (Alec to Magnus)

Some Kind of Home-Thriving Ivory (Alec to Magnus-Beginning)

Fuckin' Perfect-Pink (Alec to Magnus)

(So there's a lot of songs here, but I liked them all. Enjoy!)

* * *

Magnus' eyes fluttered open to the soft morning light floating through the closed curtains. He was aware of a warm object against his chest, and looking down he saw Alec, asleep and shirtless. Alec's arm was draped over Magnus' chest, his hand just above Magnus' heart. His head was resting on his chest, and he looked happy, a small smile tugging at his beautiful lips.

Magnus smiled as he remembered the day before. What he had felt and what they had experienced had been the things of Magnus' dreams. He had been so worried that he had pushed Alec away like he pushed everyone else away so when Alec came back, Magnus thought he was dreaming. The way he felt for Alec was so foreign that Magnus didn't even really know what it was until that moment. He had this burning emotion deep inside of him, so deep within his heart that he didn't even know it was possible. It was beautiful and blinding, but it was so very new to him. It was the feeling of having someone he couldn't live without, of having someone who understood him, someone who knew him almost better than he knew himself. It was the feeling of having someone that he never wanted to let go. He felt all this for Alec and he had never intended to. But he did, and he embraced it because for once in his life, he had someone he wanted for more than just a fling and it was someone who wanted him as well.

Magnus was finally feeling the last remnants of his walls falling down and Alec was slowly finding his way past the rubble. He had told himself he wouldn't do it, but he did. Alec just had a way of making him do things and feel things he had sworn he'd never do. Alec was changing him and so much of Magnus felt like he didn't deserve it. Who was he to think someone could actually want him? His father had used him as a punching bag, William had used him as a problem solver, and Camille had used him as a sex toy. No one had ever actually cared for him except his mother and at times, he came to think she only loved him because she was his mother. So why did Alec want to be with him? He didn't want to doubt that he was what Alec wanted but so much of him felt like it was too good to be true. _Wow Magnus, you don't sound like Alec at all. _

He was scared of being hurt again. It was that simple. He would never admit it, but it was the truth. He didn't want people to think he was broken, most of all Alec, but he was. He was shattered into millions of irreparable pieces. He was haunted by his past every second of the day and he was haunted by his mind telling him he wasn't worth a damn thing. He thought he was worthless, and most of all, not worthy of Alec.

He traced his hand lazily through Alec's hair as his eyes explored Alec's face. How could someone so perfect and amazing want a freak like him?

How could an angel love a demon?

A sadness overtook Magnus. He suddenly found the need to tell Alec everything. His mother had told him that true love is when you know every ugly and terrible thing about a person and you still see the good in them. They weren't in love, but what Magnus felt for Alec could be described as something like that. At least, Magnus had never really felt love before so he knew it was something more than just a common crush. It was so much more than that which made him wonder if he told Alec everything would Alec still think he was good? Would Alec still want to be with him knowing the baggage and the memories Magnus carried with him every day?

Alec moved in his sleep, snuggling closer to Magnus' skin. Magnus placed an arm around him, holding him there as his gaze shifted to the scars on his skin. Ugly. So ugly. How could Alec say he was beautiful when he had scars like that?

_Tell him Magnus. Tell him and then let him decide if he wants to judge you or stay with you._

_And if he judges me?_

…

_Thanks for the answer. _

Magnus snapped out of his daily thought process of how pathetic he thought he was when he felt Alec shift beneath him, his eyes opening to reveal the beautiful blue orbs that Magnus was falling in love with. His gut clenched and the fire in his heart ignited as his gaze met with Alec's.

"Good morning love. Sleep good?"

Alec nodded, his facial features still clouded with sleep. He looked beautiful laying there, his body melded to his. It felt like it was meant to be that way; it was perfect.

"What time is it?" Alec asked, his voice groggy with sleep.

"Don't worry, you're not late for class. It's only 9 o'clock."

Alec's eyes softened as the worry escaped his features. Magnus had a tendency of making Alec late for class on mornings Alec had class and Magnus didn't. But he promised him he'd stop and so he had. He planned on waking Alec soon, but it had seemed so cruel to wake him from the sweet dreams he appeared to be having that Magnus resorted to just staring at him until he woke himself.

Magnus shivered as Alec's hands lightly traced down Magnus' chest, his fingers slipping over the scars etched in his skin.

_Tell him Magnus. Tell him._

He knew Alec wanted to know, he could feel it in his touch. Alec was gentle, his touch barely a whisper on Magnus' skin and yet Magnus could feel the questioning radiating from his fingertips.

Alec's hand stopped to linger on a small, but rather jagged and deep, scar that ran across Magnus' left shoulder blade.

_Tell him. _

There was no pity in Alec's touch, which was weird. Magnus expected pity. People always pitied him. The social worker had pitied him, his foster families had pitied him, William had pitied him, and Camille had pitied him. But with Alec, Magnus just didn't sense the pity but more the curiosity, followed by understanding. Not that Alec understood but he felt it in Alec's touch.

_Tell him._

Magnus took a deep breath. "I got that one when I was nine." The words fell from his mouth as he choked to get them out. He knew when and how he had got each and every one of his scars. It was part of his remembering of what had happened to him and why the scars were a constant reminder of what had happened to him. He couldn't forget because, etched in his skin, were the memories.

Alec's eyes shot up to Magnus' face. No pity. Magnus hated pity, he didn't need it. He had had his fair share his whole life and he didn't need a single drop more of it. He would never understand why people pitied others. He didn't understand how people could feel sorry for something they knew nothing about. He just wanted to feel normal and forget, not like he was some puppy on the side of the road that needed to be taken care of and nurtured. Pity made him remember. But the look in Alec's eyes was not pity. It was far from it. There was sorrow and empathy, but in it, was an understanding.

"My father was drunk that night, as usual. He threw a beer bottle at me. He said it was my fault that bottle was in his hands and so I should suffer the consequences of my actions." A large weight lifted from his shoulders as he said those words. They hurt like a thousand scars to speak out loud but it also felt good to say it and hear it out loud.

Alec looked away from Magnus' eyes to the scar his fingers traced listlessly. He didn't speak but instead his hand trailed down further to a thin one that gripped his side and laced to his back and over his spine. There were many like that across his back and chest. They were the ones that hurt the most; the ones that brought back the most pain and the most memories.

"My father's belt."

"How old were you?" Alec's voice was small, barely heard over the pumping of Magnus' frantic heart. What was Alec thinking in that head of his? Magnus was suddenly regretting having told him. He shouldn't have. Now he wouldn't look at him the same.

"I don't know." It could have been anywhere from when he was 7 to when he was 16.

Alec's hand stayed there for a few seconds as if contemplating movement. Slowly it began to trail to yet another scar that brought to Magnus a whole new reel of memories. They pounded his thoughts, reminding him of people and places and a time he had long since buried away.

"My foster father's belt."

His hand touched another one.

"That was my own stupidity. Fell out of a tree when I was five."

Alec's hand stopped, his fingers splayed across the rigid edges of the scar tissue. His eyes stared down at Magnus' chest and Magnus only prayed his eyes wouldn't show pity when they finally looked up at him. His heart beat anxiously in his chest. In just a few simple words, Magnus had bared his whole past and soul to Alec. He had shown Alec every broken piece of him and every dark and dreary hole in his existence. He had lain at Alec's feet, the bare bones of why he was who he was. Magnus had never wanted to let his past define him but still, it haunted and changed him; there was no denying that.

Magnus' heart skipped a beat when he felt the cold sensation of a tear on his skin. It had fallen from Alec's closed eyes, the closed eyes that Magnus was dying to see. A shot of pain ripped through him unlike the pain from telling Alec. This pain was the pain of knowing Alec had shed a tear for him. No one had ever shed a tear for him. No one. And why would they? He didn't want Alec to cry for him, not when he himself had shed so many tears already.

"Don't cry for me Alexander."

Alec's eyes shot open as he looked at Magnus.

An unbelievable feeling of relief shot through Magnus. There was no pity in Alec's eyes. There was sorrow and empathy and hurt, but not pity. There was also understanding; something Magnus had never seen before. It was a deep understanding, and for what, Magnus had no idea. Magnus took in a deep breath as he let the feeling in Alec's eyes sink through him.

Alec shut his eyes to let another tear squeeze out and down onto Magnus' chest. When he opened them they were still watery with fresh tears, but he was trying not to cry.

"I'll never hurt you Magnus."

That comment shocked Magnus straight through to his core. No one had ever said that to him before. He was so used to being hurt that he just expected it, but Alec had said he'd never do it. Those words meant more to Magnus than anything else ever had. No one had ever worked to protect him; everyone had always just used him. He had grown accustomed to it and had put up the 'I could care less' façade, so as to protect himself. But now, Alec was saying he'd protect him, he wouldn't hurt him. Magnus almost didn't want to believe it. He didn't deserve that.

"Everyone hurts everyone eventually." Magnus felt the coldness in his voice himself and sensed that saying that probably hit a chord with Alec.

Alec's eyes faltered before he took a breath. "Not like this. No one should be hurt like this." His hand traced one of the older scars on his skin. "No one deserves this."

_Deserves. _

There was that word that haunted Magnus every day of his life. Maybe he did deserve it. Maybe he didn't deserve Alec. Maybe he deserved to be lonely and broken the rest of his life.

_Deserves._

But who decided who deserved what? Killers deserved to die didn't they? Humanitarians deserved to live until they were 90, didn't they?

"Some people do," Magnus mumbled.

"But not you Magnus." Alec moved his hand to take Magnus' in his. The feel of Alec's warmth against his skin was electric and slowly, it calmed his heart. "Not you." He looked up into Magnus' eyes, and Magnus felt his heart break for a whole different reason then pain. It broke for the feelings he felt for Alec, and for the emotions those few simple words sent through him. He had heard a lot in his life but never this from someone other than his mother. These words meant so much more to Magnus than Alec would ever know. "I wish I could take it away from you."

That sentence ripped through him. "No. Don't ever wish that Alec. These are my scars to bare, my demons to face."

"But you shouldn't have to bare them alone, or face them by yourself."

His words touched Magnus to the bottom of his soul, small lights in the darkness that consumed him. "I have my whole life, so I don't expect anyone to bare them with me."

"Is that why you hide your life from everyone? You're scared they'll try to carry the pain with you?"

"No. I'm scared that they'll try and act like they know what I feel." That was the worst, when someone looked at you and said they were sorry that had happened and they acted like they knew what it felt like. Yeah, because the social workers knew what it felt like to be beat day in and day out by their father.

"Why?"

"Because that's what they always do. They look at me like my past defines me and I'm something that needs fixing. I hide who I am because I don't want to become my past. I don't want people to see that, but to see me. I just want to be understood, not looked upon with pity."

"Do I look at you with pity?" Alec looked up at Magnus.

Magnus met Alec's gaze. "No."

"What do you see?"

"Everything I never expected to."

"So then tell me what happened. I won't try and act like I understand. I'll just listen."

_I'll just listen. _

No one had ever just listened. Hell, no one had listened to him in general since his mother had died. He had always been silent to the world and now Alec was looking at him just wanting to listen. He was there for Magnus to tell his story to, to let it out. And for once in his life, Magnus was ready. He was ready to tell someone all of it.

Magnus took a deep breath. "My father was not the loving, teach you how to ride your bike, coach your baseball team sort of father. My father was a broken man who was haunted by his past and he let it overtake him." Magnus paused. Now there was a fear he hadn't seen surface in a while. Haunted. Overtaken. He was scared he might do the same. Magnus took a breath as he pushed on. "He was angry at himself for his life and at first, he took it out on the beer bottle, but then, he took it out on people. It started with my mother after I was born. I was four when he first hit me." Magnus sensed Alec tense against him but he didn't speak. His first memories he had of his life were abuse. His first memories weren't happy, but dark and so, so painful. He kept his story clipped, sparing Alec the details that still haunted him.

"That was my childhood. My mother always tried to make my days better. We would always go to the ice cream shop or the beach. It was her way of helping me forget what awaited us when my father got home. She was always smiling but underneath it, I knew she was broken and there was nothing I could do for her. I felt helpless. She was trying so hard to protect me but I couldn't protect her." Magnus' heart beat with pain as he remembered all the times he couldn't help her, all the times his father hit her and Magnus couldn't do a single thing about it. He remembered the day she died. He should have tried harder to stop him, but he didn't. He didn't protect her. Magnus felt a tear sting at the corner of his eye. _Don't cry Magnus. You've cried too much already._ Magnus fought back the tear. "Even when she needed me the most I couldn't protect her." Magnus paused, memories flashing through him like a thousand iron sharp knives.

_Blood. So much blood._

"And when was that?" Alec asked innocently, pushing him forwards.

'_No! Mom, stay with me! Mom! You can't go!'_

"The night she died." The words trickled slowly from his mouth as all he saw was her. "I should have protected her."

_No heartbeat. Cold. So cold._

"I should have stopped him from touching her. I should have done more." And there it was. That tear. It fell, rolling slowly down his cheek, burning a track down his skin. "I should have saved her."

"You couldn't have Magnus." The meaning in Alec's words was there, the reassurance blazing in Alec's eyes.

"I should have stopped him. There's no excuse to why I didn't."

'_Why?'_

"You were twelve. You couldn't have stopped him. But you tried Magnus, you tried."

"I should have tried harder."

'_Because.'_

"I know you tried as hard as you could." Alec squeezed Magnus' hand harder, as he met his eyes, his gaze staring right into Magnus' soul. "Don't beat yourself up for this Magnus, there was nothing you could have done. You know that."

Magnus felt that tear fall from his chin onto his chest. "But I was a coward Alec. My whole life I've been a coward."

"You're not a coward Magnus."

"I am Alec. All I've ever done is run. I ran from helping her out of fear, I ran from my life, and I have run from love."

"None of that makes you a coward Magnus."

"Then what does it make me?"

"Scared. Alone. Lost. But not a coward. A coward runs and hides, but you, you have run and faced the world. You have taken everything the world has thrown at you and you have continued on. That makes you strong Magnus, not a coward. Most people would break from what you've gone through."

"But I am broken." There it was. He had admitted that he was a million broken irreparable pieces with no chance to ever be fixed. Magnus had resolved himself to accept that he was broken, but it didn't make it hurt any less. Every day those broken shards pierced at his soul, at his being, and tried to stop him from moving forward. But he pushed through the pain because he had to. He had to survive for her.

"Anything broken is meant to be fixed."

Magnus' heart jerked. Alec was hitting home with his words. He was hitting a place that no one had ever known before. "I don't think I am. Not with everything that has happened to me."

Alec waited a few seconds before talking. "Well, what else happened to you Magnus?"

Magnus took a deep breath. The next few years of his life were not days he cared to remember. Life with his parents had been hard, but at least he had had his mother. After his father had gone to prison, Magnus was alone. Alone and scared in a world ready to rip him apart. "After my mother died, I was thrown into social services. I spent a year in a group home before I started bouncing back and forth between foster families. I don't even remember how many now. They always got rid of me within a few months; said I wasn't worth the trouble. I was 14 when I found a family that kept me for more than a few months. It was at this time that I came to realize that I was bisexual. The family was nice at first but then the father realized what I was. He tried to beat it out of me. He said I was an abomination to the world; a demon. The son of a murderer and gay; an abomination against God. They got rid of me when I was 15 and it continued like that for the next three years. One foster home after another. Some were nice and they accepted what I was but others were just like him; just like my father. So I left the system as soon as I could. I got a small inheritance from my mother's family and it was enough to buy an apartment and finish school. And you know the rest of the story." He looked down at Alec, feeling a weight lift from his shoulders. Now Alec knew. He knew everything and now he was able to choose what he wanted to do with the information. He prayed Alec wouldn't look at him differently, but looking in his eyes, he didn't see anything different. He still looked at Magnus with those innocent, blue eyes that told Magnus everything was okay, that it didn't matter what had happened to him.

Alec looked from the scars on Magnus' chest to his eyes and there was a sadness in them that tore through Magnus. He had seen sorrow from people when he told parts of his story, but in Alec's eyes, he saw all the pain reflected back at him. He saw Alec wanting to help him, to free him from the pain, from the darkness and the memories. Underneath it all was an anger, an anger Magnus had seen only a few minutes before when Alec's hand was tracing over the scars. _I'll never hurt you. _That was a big promise to make to Magnus since everyone seemed to hurt him eventually. And if they didn't, he hurt them first.

"Magnus..."

Magnus saw that Alec was fighting the tears. God, he hated knowing he was hurting Alec. This was why he carried his life on his own shoulders, because no one else needed to feel the pain too.

"I'll never hurt you. I swear. I won't let anything else happen to you."

And there went Magnus' tears. Damn it. He had been trying so hard to hold them in but the look in Alec's eyes ripped him apart. He'd never seen such sadness or meaning in someone's eyes before. Never for him. No one had ever promised him anything or swore to protect him. Never.

"Alec..."

"No, Magnus. Please. What happened to you...I'll never let it happen again. You are amazing and deserve so much more than that." Alec bit his lip, fighting his own tears. "I promise you I will never hurt you. I can try and help you so you don't have to face the world alone. I can fix you. Not that I feel you need fixing since you're already perfect but I can help you not feel not so broken anymore."

"That's a big promise Alec." God, this boy was amazing. He was so much more than Magnus could have even dreamt up. So much more than Magnus had ever wished for. For the first time in Magnus' life, he felt truly accepted, truly wanted. The feeling that was rushing through him was the most beautiful sensation he had ever felt.

"I never break my promises."

Magnus smiled lightly. "You know I'm going to hold you to that right Alexander?"

Alec laughed softly. "Yeah, I know." He kissed Magnus' knuckles softly, before moving his lips to the scars that lined Magnus' torso. He placed his lips softly to each one as he made his way up to Magnus' lips. There he placed another soft kiss that erupted a fire in Magnus' heart that was ready to tear him apart.

Magnus laced a hand around Alec's neck, pulling him down deeper into the kiss. It was soft but full of passion and everything they meant to each other. "Thank you." He whispered against his lips.

"You're welcome."

He pulled Alec in harder, taking Alec to him. He had never wanted someone the way he wanted Alec. Alec made him feel like he was on top of the world and he made him forget everything that had ever happened to him. He felt like a new chapter was beginning in his life, a new chapter with Alec and with a new him.

_Anything broken is meant to be fixed._

Magnus didn't think he was repairable. So much damage had been done on his soul and on his heart that he didn't think it was possible to really, truly feel that way towards someone. And yet what he felt for Alec was exactly what he thought he would never feel. It felt like love, but he knew it couldn't be. And yet Alec had broken down his walls and got into his heart. Alec had made him feel…love again, something he thought was impossible. Alec had healed his heart.

_I can fix you._

_Baby, you've already fixed me._

_

* * *

_So, this chapter was extremely hard to write and I don't know about you guys, but I cried for Alec and Magnus. That's just me. Hopefully you all liked it and Magnus' story was told okay. I rewrote his story over and over again until I was happy with it. But anyway, thank you so so much for reading and I absolutely love every single one of you. You are all amazing and I will miss all of you while I'm gone away. So I hate doing this to you but there won't be an update until probably the 26th since i'll be gone for two weeks without a computer. I really hope you all don't mind and again thank you so much for reading. Bye and i'll miss you all!

Be the change,  
Amber


	16. Unwanted

Chapter 16

Unwanted

I'm back! I returned safe and sound from Europe although I could have probably stayed there forever. But I'm here now and I'm ready to punch out some chapters for you lovely people. But I honestly couldn't have been happier when I got home and saw all the wonderful feedback you'd all left me. So thank you everyone for the reviews, the favourites, and just for being here and being amazing people. I love all of you.

Now I know I said I'd post this chapter on the weekend, but my beta was really busy and couldn't get it to me. She says that she is really really sorry and the next one won't take as long. But she got it to me now and so here it is. I hope you all enjoy!

* * *

Songs:

She is Love-Parachute (Imagine 'She' as 'He'-Magnus to Alec)

Dying to Live Again-Hedley

Good to You-Marianas Trench (Magnus to Alec, Alec to Magnus)

* * *

Alec thought back to what Magnus had told him. He had been thinking about what had happened and what Magnus had said for days. He couldn't shake the memory and he couldn't shake the way Magnus' story had made him feel. No one should have to go through what Magnus endured, no one. It wasn't fair to put a child through that pain and that suffering. It wasn't fair to put a person through those memories and the battle that he was fighting. Alec had never been so angry at the world. He wanted to kill Magnus' father for laying a hand on him, for causing him the pain that he did. He wanted to wash it all away from Magnus and help him forget.

Alec had known Magnus was broken inside; it was always something Alec had just had a feeling about. He could see it in Magnus' eyes. His eyes told Alec his story every day even before Alec knew what the story was. He saw the pain and the shards of his broken soul floating in his green irises. He saw it all and he wanted to comfort Magnus but he never knew how, or how to breach the subject for that matter. He had waited for Magnus to tell him and now that he knew, he himself felt broken. He felt so much pain in knowing what had happened to Magnus. He wanted nothing more than to take it all away.

Magnus didn't want someone to carry the pain with him but Alec was going to. If he couldn't take it away, he would at least help Magnus bear the pain and make it through. He would try and help Magnus. But if he didn't help at least he tried, either way he wanted Magnus whether he was broken or not. He wanted every single piece of him and he wanted Magnus to remember that. He may be broken but that didn't change anything.

Alec couldn't imagine enduring what Magnus had. He couldn't even imagine the pain and the heartache that he faced every single day. He looked back on his life and his own fears and he thought of how trivial and pathetic it all was. His only fear was telling the world he was gay, but Magnus, he faced the fear of abuse and pain every day. He faced the fear of being alone, of loving again. Magnus had the right to be afraid of so much, of the same thing Alec was with coming out, but he wasn't. Alec was afraid of the abuse and the prejudice he would face when he came out and yet Magnus had already faced it and was out and proud of it. Alec didn't know how he did it and it instilled a new strength inside of him. If Magnus had done it, he could do it. Magnus' story inspired Alec to not be afraid and to face the world the same way Magnus had. Alec realized that with Magnus he had something he never wanted to lose, and he knew that he needed to come out to prevent that from happening.

Alec knew Magnus was scared of telling him his past because he was afraid of judgment and pity, but he neither pitied nor judged Magnus. He respected him and cared for him even more for facing what he did and living through it to be the amazing man that Alec saw in front of him now. Alec knew he would have broken under what Magnus faced, he would have broken and let it overtake him. He would have run from everything. He wouldn't have been strong like Magnus. Magnus may have thought he was a coward but Alec saw no cowardice in what he had done. He saw a man who defied what should have become of him, a man who had made something beautiful of himself and of his life. He saw a man who was anything but his past.

And Alec was going to help him. For once, someone was going to stand _with_ Magnus and not _over_ him. For once, someone was going to _hold_ Magnus and not _hit_ him. For once, someone was going to _care for_ and _want_ Magnus, not _hate_ him. For once, someone was going to _put the broken pieces together_, instead of _make more_.

* * *

Magnus sat on one of the many campus benches, alone with nothing but his thoughts and the sketchpad in his hand. He was drawing his mother. It had been a while since he had drawn her since it brought back so many memories but, following his revelation to Alec, he had found the urge to draw her again. He was scared of forgetting her and so, every now and then, he would bring up the memories and draw her face so he could look at her again.

It was because of her that he drew. She had given him a sketchpad when he was six and had just said draw. He knew now that she had done it so that he could express how he was feeling and could use it as a reprieve from the world around him. He knew that in those last few years that was what art had become for his mother. It was her reprieve from the pain. And now it was his. He had been critiqued by his teachers for being too dark and had been encouraged to draw more bright and happy pieces, but when he tried, they just seemed so fake.

As he shaded the contours of his mother's face, he thought about what she would say and what she would think of him if she were here now. Would she be proud of him? She had always told him to chase after his dreams and so he had, but deep down he had always done things he thought would make his mother happy. He lived his life by the lessons she had taught him and he had tried to live for the both of them. He knew he had done a terrible job of that and his mother probably wouldn't be proud of some of the choices he had made.

_Remember baby, never do something if it doesn't make you happy._

Art made him happy. Alec made him happy.

_Never close your heart. It's the most beautiful thing you have._

He had closed his heart from the night he lost her to the day he met Alec. He had failed her on that. He had failed her on a lot of things. Looking back at his life he thought of all the things he could have done better. He had wasted so much of his life and now he was so lost in his past that he didn't even know where he was. Would she be proud of him? Would she smile at him and be happy for what he had done? He could only pray that she would have been. He could only hope that his future choices would still make her proud.

He knew she would have approved of Alec. They were so much alike that Magnus could almost see her in him. They both had a kind and gentle soul that Magnus had never seen before. They both looked at the world like everything was beautiful, even when they knew something was supposed to be ugly. And they both made him feel like he wasn't the worthless person he believed he was. They both made him feel special and wanted.

Telling Alec his story about his father, his mother, and the years after that had been an undertaking, but an amazing, surprising undertaking. Alec had reacted completely different than he thought he would and Alec's words resonated with him with each passing second. He still didn't want to believe that someone could care for him like that and want to help him. It was unbelievable, and so was what he felt for Alec. Alec had shed a tear for him, had promised never to hurt him. Only his mother had ever done that for him. No one had ever cried for him and he had never expected anyone to. But when Alec did he was warmed right to the centre of his soul. He knew now that he had the most amazing, perfect person in his life. He felt like he didn't deserve such a person, but he knew Alec would kill him for thinking such thoughts. But it was hard when you'd been dejected all your life, acceptance was hard to take.

"Hey stranger. Didn't expect to see you here."

Magnus' head snapped up from his drawing to see William standing before him. Magnus closed his book, not wanting William to see what he had drawn. William knew his story, but not the way that Alec now did, and he didn't want to open that conversation up again.

"Hey." Magnus hadn't called William in the last few days since Alec had gotten back home. He hadn't found the time nor had he really wanted to. He had seen William in class, but that was it. His relationship with William was tricky. They had grown to be really good friends very fast when they'd met in high school. They had connected over their sexuality. Magnus had known who he was for a few years before meeting William, but at that time, William was just coming to terms with being gay. Magnus didn't call himself an expert on the subject but together they were able to work through their fears and questions together. Before long, they had started dating. William was the first person Magnus had really felt for in years. But he didn't love him. William had said he loved him but he realized quickly that he didn't love him back, he couldn't love him. That was what had broken them apart. They left on good terms and remained friends through it all. He and William kept in touch but there was a divide between them and Magnus had never forgotten what they had. It was good, it was an experience, and Magnus had long lost any feeling he had had for William.

William knew Magnus and Alec had fought. Unfortunately, William was almost as good as Alec at knowing what was wrong with him. William had called him the day after and had sensed it in his voice. Magnus simply said they had a fight and left it at that. He hadn't gone into details and William hadn't asked for any.

"Can I join you?"

"Sure." Magnus put his sketchpad and pencil back in his bag as William took the spot next to him.

"So, may I ask why you haven't been returning my phone calls?"

"I've been busy, sorry." After Alec's jealous bout, Magnus had decided to distance himself from William. He knew Alec wouldn't react like that again, but he knew Alec was still going to get jealous if Magnus got too close with William. Also, he had realized that Alec hadn't been completely wrong. He saw it now too, the way William looked at him. It was the way William used to look at him and it spoke to Magnus exactly what Alec said it did. Love. Or something like it. Magnus knew he had to distance himself from William. William could prove to be a problem and he just couldn't have that. For once in his life, he was finally happy with someone and he had no plans to screw it up like he did everything else.

"Busy, huh? With Alec?" he asked innocently.

"With my life. Why do you need to know the details?"

"Because I'm your friend." William nudged him in the side playfully. "And I deserve to know each and every detail of your life. Now come on, spill. Clearly you two aren't mad at each other anymore. So what happened? Did he say he loved you?" he asked playfully.

The last question startled Magnus. He wasn't sure how to answer that.

"He did, didn't he? Well, I guess we can call that progress. Did you say it back?"

"No." Magnus didn't feel like explaining anything to William, and that question had come completely out of the blue. Magnus had thought about love when he thought about what he felt for Alec but he knew it wasn't love. Not yet; it was too soon. What he felt for Alec was real and amazing, but it wasn't love. It could be someday since Alec had already broken down his walls and now all he needed was the key. But at this moment, Magnus was scared of love and it would take him a while to say that he loved Alec.

"No? Come on, I knew you could be cold hearted but that's just cruel, leaving a boy hanging like that."

"Yeah, well it's what I do." The words came out in a rush before Magnus had time to think them through. He didn't meet William's gaze as the memories of the times they had together flashed through his mind. Magnus had left William hanging without even a branch to grab onto. Yeah, leaving people hanging was sort of his thing.

"Magnus..."

"You know, just forget I said anything." Magnus stood up abruptly, slinging his bag over his shoulders. He was nowhere near in the mood to talk to William about love or Alec. He was happy. For once in his life, he was happy and he didn't need to explain that to anyone. He turned to leave, running into William who had stood up in following.

There was sadness in William's eyes. "Magnus, what's wrong? You don't seem like yourself."

"Funny. And here I thought I was just as marvelous as always."

"You know what I mean so stop being a dick."

Yeah, he did. Magnus sighed. There was one question nagging at him. One question that he felt he needed an answer to or else he'd go crazy. Some of the things Alec had said had ignited something in Magnus. A realization. A realization that sparked a question that needed a desperate answer. Alec was right when they fought. Magnus saw now the way William looked at him, and how he was nicer and more touchy than normal. Magnus hadn't noticed them at the party but looking back, he noticed now all the small brushes of his hand, the smiles, the looks. It was always those damn eyes. His whole body could tell him he was fine, but those eyes told him everything he needed to know about how he was feeling. William hadn't moved on from what they had. Magnus found it hard to believe since they'd barely kept in touch-mainly on Magnus' part since he always left everyone in his life-and since he knew William had had a few relationships since. Three years was enough time to move on; Magnus had. But Alec had seen it, that William had not moved on. They had to clear this up. Magnus wasn't going to continue on knowing his ex still harboured feelings for him. He just couldn't.

"William, can I ask you a question?" Magnus met William's eyes, letting the deep blue envelop him.

"Yeah, sure." Confusion circled in his gaze.

"Do you promise to answer honestly?"

"Magnus, what is it?"

Magnus sighed before speaking. "Have you moved on?"

William's face shifted. It went from one of concern to one of questioning and confusion. "From what?"

"From us."

Understanding replaced the other emotions on William's face. His eyes wavered, looking first at the ground and then back at Magnus. William's face went cold, but Magnus saw it in those eyes. "I have."

"Don't lie to me William. I know you and I know you haven't moved on. Why? It's been three years. The last time we really talked was six months ago. I thought we'd left it behind us."

William took a deep breath and with it, his whole resolve faltered, showing on his face what Magnus saw in his eyes. "I thought so too. But I realized that I can't move on. I can't because I can't forget what I had with you Magnus." He moved closer to Magnus placing a hand on his bicep. "I said something to you, something I knew you wouldn't say back, but I said it anyway. And when we broke up, I lost the best thing I ever had. I won't lie to you Magnus. I haven't moved on because no matter how hard I try, I just can't forget. Now I'm not going to ask you to take me back, but just let me say it again, please." He paused, looking into Magnus' eyes, searing deep into his soul. "I love you Magnus. I loved you then and I have loved you since."

His words cut through Magnus. Three years ago, those words had ruined everything. Three years ago, those words had only proven to Magnus that he didn't have the ability to love, because as hard as he tried, he couldn't love William back. He couldn't say it back. He hadn't said 'I love you' in over 8 years, and he hadn't felt or known love for that same amount of time. Hearing William say it again, sparked nothing but old memories inside of Magnus. He didn't feel the same but instead, he suddenly just felt terrible. How could William still love him? Magnus wasn't worth that. No one should pine over him for three years, they should just move on. And William needed to know that. They were no more and there was no chance for anything, not when Magnus couldn't give William what he wanted.

"William, you don't mean that." Magnus pulled away from William's hand, leaving it to fall and hang at William's side.

"I do Magnus. I've had three years to think about it."

"Exactly; three years. We had good times and a great relationship when we were together, but we haven't had anything for three years. You're confused William, trying to make yourself believe something that isn't true. I know, I've done it. You don't love me."

"I do."

"No, you don't. You know that, underneath it all." Magnus paused. He wasn't an expert on love but his heart was cold enough to know when something was love, and what William felt was not love, it was infatuation.

William looked down at the ground, averting Magnus' gaze. "Do you love him? Alec?"

Magnus stiffened. That was not what he had been expecting to be asked. "I don't know."

William nodded. "He's lucky to have you, and I hope you two will be happy." He looked up at Magnus. "I'm sorry." He met Magnus' gaze for a short second before turning to leave.

Magnus let out a breath he had been holding in. He didn't stop William from walking away, it was best for both of them that he didn't.

_Well, that was definitely different than I thought my day would go._

Hearing William say those words reminded Magnus of everything he had wanted in his life at that point but could never have. William reminded Magnus of a time when he was searching so hard for something to hold on to that he was nearly desperate. He had taken a while to open up to William when he first met him because he was so scared of being hurt again. He had been silenced his whole life that he didn't want to open his mouth out of fear. William came to him and made him open up and feel safe. With William, he felt wanted, like for once in eight years someone actually wanted him for something more than money. He hadn't loved William and he felt terrible that he had led William into loving him. At that thought, he thought of Alec. What if Alec said he loved him? What would he do? Would he run or would he say it back? Was he leading Alec into something he couldn't commit to? These questions had had easy answers with Camille since she was as unlikely to say I love you as he was, but Alec, he was different. He was so very different. With Alec, Magnus actually cared, he actually wanted Alec to stay in his life and remain a part of him. But he didn't want to lead Alec on. His walls were breaking and deep down, he felt like one day he'd be able to love someone again, and maybe, just maybe, that person could be Alec.

With Alec, all his fears went out the window. He couldn't protect his heart. As much as he tried, nothing he did protected it. Alec broke down his walls and was finding the way into his heart. He erased all Magnus' fears and replaced them with a want and a need that was so beautiful. It wasn't a desperate want to be loved, it was a want to love again. He wanted to love Alec. He didn't know if he could, but in that moment, he realized that it was a beautiful possibility. No one had ever made him feel the way Alec did. No one had ever made him feel so happy and so wanted as Alec did. Magnus had run away from love as he had run away from everything else in his life. But now, he realized he was tired of running. He wasn't going anywhere, not so long as Alec would have him.

* * *

Magnus slid his key into the lock, turning it and opening the door as the lock clicked. He slid the key out, pocketing it as he entered the room. The first thing he saw was Alec, passed out sitting up on the couch. The largest textbook in history lay open on his chest, rising with the up and down of Alec's breathing. And that was why he didn't take English; the books were just too damn big.

Magnus smiled to himself as he dropped his bag silently on the floor. Alec looked so perfect lying there, serene and peaceful. Looking at him lying there he thought of how much he realized he felt for Alec. His heart swelled with the thought of holding him and calling him his, of looking into those eyes and kissing those lips. Alec was his and Magnus didn't want to see him go anywhere. Alec had taught him how to feel again and Magnus had thought that was impossible. Alec had accepted his past and accepted that he was broken and scarred from what had happened to him. Alec accepted every part of him and Magnus hadn't felt that for years. For once he wasn't afraid of anything.

Magnus crossed the room to Alec. He picked up the book lightly, closing it as he set it down on the table. He moved to grab the blanket off the back of the couch, and slowly he placed it over Alec's sleeping form. He laid a soft kiss on Alec's forehead, lingering slightly longer than he should have as he took in Alec's scent and the feel of his lips against Alec's skin. No one had ever made him feel this way and he was embracing it with open arms. _This must be what it feels like to be alive._

Magnus pulled away and went to go to his desk when Alec grabbed his hand to stop him. Magnus turned around to see Alec, groggy but awake.

Magnus grinned as he met those beautiful blue orbs that he was so completely in love with. He knew that. The things those eyes did to him were unlike anything he'd experienced before. It was like he was seeing the whole world anew in Alec's eyes and it was unbelievably amazing.

"How long have I been asleep?" Alec asked.

"Don't know. I just got back. It's 6 now."

Alec nodded, yawning. "It's your fault."

"My fault? How the hell is your taking a nap, like any other reasonable person, my fault?" Magnus asked.

"It's your fault because if it weren't for you I'd go to sleep at a reasonable hour of the night."

"True. I'm guilty as charged. Do you want me to grab the handcuffs?" Magnus put his hands above his head as if they were cuffed as he did a small pelvic thrust in Alec's direction.

"Magnus!"

Magnus laughed as the beautiful pink flush rose in Alec's cheeks. "Alright, I'll hold off on the kinky stuff." At the mention of kinky Alec's face got redder. Magnus always wondered how it was possible but somehow Alec's face had colours of red Magnus had never seen before. "For now." Magnus leaned down to kiss Alec. When he went to pull away Alec's arm slipped around his waist, pulling him down onto the couch above him. Magnus laughed. "Kinky no, horny yes."

"I'm not…"

Magnus cut him off as he took his lips with his. He'd wanted to kiss Alec all day. It was hard on days like this when Alec had class and he didn't, or he had class and Alec didn't. But when he got back to the dorm, he had the beautiful figure of Alec to look forward to, so it wasn't so bad waiting a whole day. Magnus pressed a hand against Alec's side, pushing harder into the kiss.

Ever since his experience with William not too long ago he'd been wanting Alec. He just wanted to kiss him, to hold him and reassure himself that it wasn't some dream and he wasn't believing in some fantasy. He wanted to be with the man that he wanted. He wanted to forget William and those memories and those fears that he had had. He wanted to remember the happiness that he had right now, right here with Alec.

Since telling Alec his past, something had changed between them. There was a new connection that Magnus felt, something in his heart that was beating differently than the rest of his body. It was like a constant reminder of Alec, of what they shared together and what Magnus had given him.

Alec had chosen to stand by him, to be with him through it all. No one had done that before. It was hard for Magnus to think of someone standing with him, but he wanted to think it was a good thing. He wanted to think that letting all his walls down was for the better. If he got hurt, at least he would know that he got hurt in a truthful way. He didn't hide himself or hold back but he gave everything he had. It would kill him to be hurt again, but if it meant having Alec for some amount time, then it would be worth getting hurt for.

Alec pulled away slowly but he didn't speak as Magnus expected him to. Instead, he just searched his eyes and Magnus knew that he was thinking about something important. There was the distant yet alert look to Alec's eyes that he always got when he was thinking about them.

Alec took a deep breath. "Magnus?"

"Yes, love?" He asked. Magnus wasn't sure if he should be worried or not.

"Will you come home with me for Christmas?" He asked. "Unless you have other plans, then you don't have to," he added quickly.

Those words hit Magnus hard. This had turned into a day of hearing things he hadn't expected to hear. It was mid-November and Alec was already asking him to come home with him for Christmas. But as what? Did Alec just want him to meet his family and see what happened, or was Alec planning to tell them? Magnus' heart yearned for the latter but if it was the former, he'd do what he had to do.

"No plans. So I'd love to." He'd more than love to.

Alec smiled, biting his lip. "I…I want to tell them. But, I realized I need you there with me." Alec spoke slowly, the words forcing themselves slowly off of his tongue.

"As you wish Alec." Magnus smiled. Alec was going to tell them. It was almost too good to be true. He hadn't expected Alec to be ready this fast. He had expected to wait a little bit longer but apparently, something had changed inside of Alec to make him want to do it now.

"I don't want to hide anymore Magnus, at least not from them." So he wasn't ready to tell everybody, but the family was a start. And in all honesty, it was always harder to tell the family then to tell the world. It was the people you cared the most about that you were scared of losing because of your sexuality. It was their dejection that would hurt the most, Magnus knew that. Alec took Magnus' hand in his and the connection sent a wave of euphoria through Magnus. "I'm so happy with you, and…and I don't want to run anymore. I want them to know. I want them to know that I'm with you." Alec continued to bite his lip and there was a sadness and yet, an anticipation in his eyes. Alec was ready to tell them but still scared of what they'd think.

"You don't have to do this if you're not ready. I'll wait Alec." He wanted it so badly but he didn't want to force Alec into anything he didn't want to do. And he didn't want to get his hopes up and then have them dashed.

"You've waited long enough. I'm ready. I can do it." His eyes didn't falter. He was determined.

"If you're sure." Magnus squeezed his hand harder, his heart growing warmer. Alec was so amazing and he would never realize it. Alec didn't think much of himself but Magnus thought the world of him. For him to do this was a big step, and it took strength and a lot of courage. Magnus admired Alec for it. Alec was finally ready to take another step. "I'll be with you every step of the way Alec."

Alec smiled. "I know." He took a deep breath. "Thank you."

"Don't thank me. You're doing this all on your own."

"No, I'm not. I would never have thought of doing this in my wildest dreams if it weren't for you. You've given me strength and you've opened my eyes to the reality of everything. I've been living a lie and I don't want to do that anymore. It's because of you that I've come to really accept who I am and what I want. I want you Magnus and I want to be with you. I want to be with you out there in front of the whole entire world. I'm not there yet, but I hope I will be someday. But because of you I'm not so scared anymore."

"Well, I'm glad to be of assistance," Magnus said softly. Magnus repeated Alec's words in his head. '_I want to be with you out there in front of the whole entire world. I'm not there yet, but I hope I will be someday.' Someday Alec, someday you will be there. _To hear him say that, that he was not so scared anymore, lightened Magnus' heart and brought a joy to him. Alec could do it, Magnus had faith in him, and the thought of the future was as beautiful as ever.

Alec let his lip go and Magnus' eyes darted to the two small indentations in his skin. He leaned forward, taking Alec's lips with his, sucking softly on the bottom one as he brought it between his teeth.

"Thank you," Alec mumbled against his lips.

Magnus smiled. "No problem love." For the amount of times Magnus had thanked Alec, he had no problem doing something for him. Alec had held him after one of his nightmares when they barely knew each other. He had made him laugh, truly laugh, for the first time in years. He had accepted his past and held him through the pain. He had been there, and most of al,l he had accepted him. Every single part of him. Magnus had so much to thank him for that Alec would never know the true weight of everything he'd done for him. Alec made him feel alive again. He had given Magnus everything he'd dreamed about but never asked for. He'd given him everything Magnus didn't think he deserved.

He'd given him his life back and even thank you wasn't enough for that.

* * *

Alec stared out the window as the tiny snowflakes fell from the sky. They floated slowly downwards, coating the green ground in a small blanket of white. Alec loved winter. It just always made him feel so peaceful and happy. He also loved just sitting there watching the snow fall. It was a time where he could just forget everything and be captivated by something beautiful and perfect. For just a few minutes the world didn't matter and those moments in Alec's life he embraced with open arms.

Alec's focus wavered when he felt a warm pair of arms wrap around his waist. Now that was a feeling and a moment that Alec embraced and loved. Magnus' body against his was comforting and in those strong, warm arms, Alec forgot all his worries and found everything he had ever wanted.

"So, is there anything I should know about your family? You know, stuff to avoid doing or things I should do to get on your parents good graces." Magnus' voice was a whisper against his ear, his breath soothing the skin of Alec's neck.

"Just be yourself. I want them to know you, not someone you're trying to be." _Not someone you're trying to be. Yeah Alec, take your own advice._ "Besides Isabelle already likes you, which is an achievement in itself. Max likes anyone who will read a comic book with him and Jace, well, you'll probably have to compete for space in the room to hold your egos."

"Compete?" Magnus scoffed. "Baby, I won that competition the day I was born." He paused, pulling Alec closer. "It's not your siblings I'm worried about. It's your parents."

Alec stiffened. If Magnus was simply worried then Alec was a nervous, panicked wreck. Inviting Magnus for Christmas entailed telling his parents he was gay. He hadn't slept for days knowing that this was coming. He kept playing different scenarios in his head of how he would tell them. He had the fantasy ones where he said it and then they hugged him and said they loved him and accepted him no matter what he chose to do. Then he had the bad ones, the ones he hated to think about but popped up anyway. They were the ones where his parents disowned him, or worse, his father tried to beat it out of him. He didn't see his father as doing it; Robert had never raised his voice at any of his children, let alone a hand. But that was Alec's fear. That had been Alec's fear for years and it would continue to be his fear until he finally said it and just let the event play out. The only good thing he knew that came out of any situation was that at the other end of it, he had Magnus waiting for him. Magnus would be behind him through it all, waiting and ready to catch him if he fell.

"I'll admit it Alec, I'm different than everyone else. I pride myself on it but not everyone takes too kindly to how I am. I know how I can come off to some people so I just want to know if toning it down will be easier for you with your parents."

Magnus' words cut through Alec. Magnus was offering to become something he wasn't to make Alec's time with his parents easier. Alec couldn't believe he was offering that. Why would he want to be anything besides what he wasn't? And for him?

Alec turned around in Magnus' arms to meet his gaze. There was such meaning and love in Magnus' eyes that Alec almost got lost in them as he normally did. Alec placed his hands on Magnus' chest, letting the electricity of the contact flow through him. "Magnus, I would never ask you to be anything other than what you are. I'm with you. You. Not a toned down version. I have to tell them either way and I'd rather they know the real you then somebody else."

Magnus smiled, a warmth creeping through his features. It was then that Alec finally let himself get lost, yet again, in the golden green depths of Magnus' eyes. They told him so much that Magnus' face and body didn't. He loved that a small change in Magnus' eyes could speak a million words to him. He could just tell how Magnus was feeling or what he was thinking by the way his eyes glittered or the way they moved. Right now, they spoke to Alec appreciation and something so warm and empathetic that it could almost be considered love, and those two things spoke volumes in themselves.

"Do you have any idea of how amazing you are?" Magnus asked.

"Honestly, no. But someone keeps telling me and I try to believe him, but I can't." Alec didn't see anything amazing about himself. His whole life he'd been nothing but average and if Jace was there, he would have had a lot to say about how not amazing Alec was.

"One day, my love." Magnus placed a soft kiss to Alec's forehead. "One day you'll see how amazing you are and you'll believe me." He lifted Alec's chin to place a soft kiss to his lips.

One day.

_One day you'll tell your parents you're gay._

_One day you'll love Magnus in front of the whole world._

_One day you won't be afraid._

_One day you'll realize how amazing you are. How amazing it feels to not hide who you are._

"Now come on Alec, we've got a train to catch and you have a tendency of making me late for things." Magnus pulled away from Alec, looking down to meet his gaze.

"Me? I've almost been late for class like 30 times times."

"Sweetheart, didn't your mother ever teach you not to exaggerate?"

Alec rolled his eyes and sighed at Magnus' comment. "Yes, she did, and I am not. Now come on, before we're late." Alec placed one quick kiss on Magnus' lips before brushing past him to grab his bag.

Two weeks. That was what he would have to tell his parents. Two weeks with Magnus and his family.

Two weeks to finally tell them he was gay.

* * *

Okay, so I hoped you liked it. Although it was sort of filler I really enjoyed writing it. But now I have a question for you guys. Christmas is coming up for Magnus and Alec and I'll admit it, I am terrible at thinking of Christmas gifts for people and that sort of shows in my inability to think of something for them. I've got some ideas for Christmas gifts for the boys but instead of giving myself a major headache trying to think of something, I want your guys' feedback on what you think they should give each other. I need help and gift inspiration so if you have any ideas, that would be wonderfully appreciated. Anyway, I'm going to go to work on the next chapter now so I can get it out soon. Anyway, I love you guys and thank you so much for reading. Until next time!

Be the change,  
Amber


	17. Unsaid

Chapter 17

Unsaid

* * *

Songs:

Not Alone-Darren Criss (A Very Potter Musical) (Listen to the version from the Trevor Project for the meaning in this chapter.) (Magnus to Alec)

On Your Side-Thriving Ivory

Everything'll Be Alright-Joshua Radin (Magnus to Alec-Final Scene)

* * *

"Jesus Christ! You live here? You didn't tell me you were rich!"

Alec laughed softly. "It never came up."

The taxi pulled up in front of the Lightwood residence as Alec watched Magnus marvel out the window at his house. Alec had never thought much of the fact his family was rich since he had never really cared for or seen much of the money anyway. Jace, Isabelle, and himself had never really been given anything for free. Maryse had always made them work for it and Alec was considerably grateful for it. In high school, half the kids hadn't worked a single day in their lives and would probably have an epic hissy fit if you even asked them to work. Alec was extremely grateful he hadn't been raised to be one of those children. Isabelle might look like she had a silver spoon in her mouth sometimes, but she really was never given anything from Robert or Maryse.

Alec had never brought up the fact he was rich to Magnus because he found it was pointless information that had a way of interfering with things. Alec didn't feel that money should matter for any reason and he didn't want it. He got into Idris on scholarship and his parents had offered to pay for Alec's rent but he had declined the majority of the offer. He planned on getting a job the next year and was using this year to settle in and build his routine. He wanted to start making a living for himself.

Alec paid the taxi driver before getting out of the car. He circled around to grab their bags from the back of the trunk. He slung his bag over his shoulder easily before moving to grab Magnus' bag. He struggled with getting it out of the trunk.

"Here, let me help you." Magnus came in to grab the bag, lifting it effortlessly onto the ground.

"What the hell did you pack in there?" Alec asked as he massaged what now felt like a pulled muscle. Either he was completely out of shape-which he knew he wasn't-or that bag was just unusually heavy.

"The essentials."

Alec laughed. "Sure, if you consider bricks essentials." Alec shut the trunk as the cab drove away.

"Honey, just because you consider jeans and a hideous sweater the essentials, does not mean we all do."

"My sweater is not hideous." Alec looked down at his worn black sweater. What was wrong with black? Oh yeah, it wasn't, quote: 'glittered or colourful'. Alec had declined the shopping trip offer so far but he wasn't really sure how long he'd be able to stop Magnus from 'spicing up' his wardrobe.

"Yes darling, it is." Magnus smiled. "One day you will learn the art of dressing for perfection."

"Alright, I'm coming out. Let me know when it's safe to open my eyes."

Alec and Magnus' attention turned to Isabelle who was standing on the porch steps, eyes covered with her hands.

"It's safe Izzy," Alec said. He and Magnus were standing nearly five feet apart. They had spoken about what would happen until Alec told his parents. They would remain as far apart as possible, Magnus would refrain from his pet names, and they would act as friends. Alec knew it would be hard and he felt terrible asking it of Magnus, but Magnus said it was okay and he understood. Alec knew he was hurting him and he just hoped he wouldn't end up hurting him for too long.

Isabelle's hands slipped away as she bounded down the steps, throwing her arms around Alec's neck. Alec fell backwards slightly as he wrapped his arms around his sister, revelling in the beautiful feeling he always got at being home. "It's nice to see you too Iz."

Isabelle pulled away, smiling up at Alec before turning to look at Magnus. "So, you must be Magnus." Alec watched her eyes trace him up and down and he couldn't help but roll his eyes at his sister's clear indifference to the concept of being discreet. "It's a pleasure to finally meet you."

Magnus smiled, taking Isabelle's hand in his. "The pleasure's all mine." He kissed it softly eliciting a small squeal from Isabelle's lips.

"Yep, he's a keeper. I'm in love already." Isabelle smiled, slipping her arm in Magnus' while taking his bag effortlessly in the other. "Now come on, I'll show you to your room." The two set off, followed by Alec.

"Am I the only the one who can't lift that bag?" Alec asked, frustrated.

Magnus and Isabelle looked from Alec to each other and Alec caught the small transfer of communication that passed between them.

"Rookie." Isabelle smirked, leading Magnus inside.

Alec groaned. _Great, my sister's already stolen my boyfriend, _he thought. Not that he was surprised. If there was any guy you wanted to bring home that your sister would like, Magnus was that guy. He liked to shop and he knew clothing and make-up better than most women twice his age. Alec was grateful Magnus and Isabelle would get along perfectly, it made it easier for Alec with having Isabelle know about them. If he knew Isabelle liked Magnus, it made it easier for him to think she was okay with him being gay. She had said she was and had made no action to dissuade Alec otherwise, but still he was nervous.

They entered the guest room Magnus would be taking for the week and Alec watched as Isabelle dropped Magnus' bag on the floor. Alec hated the idea of not being able to share a room with Magnus since the idea had become normal to him over the last few months, but it was completely understandable. Magnus was just Alec's friend and their house had four guest rooms, so why should the guest share a room with Alec? And besides, even if his parents did know they were dating he knew they would not allow them to share a room together.

"Great. Just when my day was getting good I have to see your ugly face."

Alec smiled, turning around to see Jace standing in the doorway, Clary just behind him. "Nice to see you too Jace. How are you doing? I'm great, thanks for asking." Alec said sarcastically.

"I didn't. Jesus, and people say I'm the conceited one in the family."

"You are," Clary piped up from behind him. Damn, Alec was really starting to like this girl. And that was why Jace had described her as different from his usual. She actually had a brain she used and she had no problem with offending Jace and telling him off.

"Thanks for the input Clary." Jace glared at her but in his eyes was an emotion Alec had never seen in his eyes before. It was almost unintelligible at first but it was there and Alec thought it may have been the first few sparks of love. Love, wow, he didn't think Jace was even capable of feeling that. Jace's gaze shifted from Clary to where Magnus stood. Alec watched him take in Magnus' appearance and he couldn't quite judge Jace's reaction to him. Magnus hadn't toned it down and looked completely as he always did; colourful, glittery and beautiful. Alec was worried about how Jace and Magnus would get along. They had similar egos, which could easily compete for more space in the room. The only difference between their egos was that Jace's annoyed the crap out of anyone within a mile radius while Magnus' was endearing and sexy. At least, that was Alec's opinion, Jace and Clary might think differently.

"So, you must be Magnus."

Alec watched the two take each other in. Yeah, this was going to be interesting.

"And you must be Jace." Nothing else was said and a small tension built in the room that was beginning to drive Alec crazy.

"Alright…now that introductions are out of the way, where's Mom and Dad?" Alec asked, turning his attention mainly to Isabelle.

"Work. They had some last minute meetings and stuff to do before Christmas. They should be home soon. Max is at his friend's so you're saved from comic book reading for the time being." Isabelle turned to Magnus. "Hope you like comic books. Max loves finding new victims to read with him and you're fresh meat. Clary and Simon were easy since they're already complete nerds."

"We are not complete nerds," Clary defended from the doorway.

Isabelle looked at Clary. "Okay, maybe you not so much, but Simon is the King of Nerdtopia and you can't deny that."

Isabelle smiled as the doorbell rang, vibrating through the house. She jumped excitedly. "Speaking of Simon." Isabelle moved past everyone and out of the room, her hair falling in waves behind her.

Alec looked at Jace questioningly. "Who's Simon?"

"Isabelle's new boy toy."

"Simon is not Isabelle's new boy toy. Simon is a friend," said Clary.

"A friend who drools over my sister and worships her every step. Not only does she have him whipped but he's also madly in love with her."

"Who's madly in love with who?" A boy stopped in the doorway, who Alec took to be Simon. He had unruly brown hair, glasses that hung lopsided on his nose, and an overly worn band t-shirt that Alec couldn't even distinguish the band from. Isabelle came up behind him and looking at the two was like looking at two ends of a spectrum. Isabelle was perfectly manicured while Simon had that 'my-day-started-ten-minutes-ago' look. Isabelle was poised and confident, while Simon slouched and oozed nerd. Boy toy huh? Alec was having a hard time believing that one and with Isabelle, he had heard some crazy things.

"Jace is madly in love with himself," said Isabelle, her timing almost impeccable, cutting off Jace's planned snarky comment.

"True, but I can't help it if I'm amazing."

"You keep believing in fairytales Jace." Isabelle turned to look at Alec and Magnus. "Magnus, Alec, this is Simon. Simon, this is my brother Alec and his friend Magnus."

_Friend. _That word cut through Alec. He didn't realize how much it would hurt to hear Magnus called his friend. He knew it was his own fault that word hurt and he knew it was hurting Magnus too. Magnus wasn't the type to hide who he was or anything about him and so Alec knew it was hard for him to hide Alec. But Alec was the type who hid and this secret was something he had learned to hide very well. It just killed him to think about what he was doing to Magnus and he hoped he would gain the courage to tell his parents so he wouldn't have to hurt Magnus anymore.

"Nice to meet you two."

"Anyway, you two weren't supposed to show until tonight so we made plans to go for lunch. You guys can come though if you'd like, unless you want to stay here." Isabelle looked at Alec, enforcing what she meant by 'unless you want to stay here.'

Alec looked at Magnus and between them passed their answer. They had time to be alone, they were going to take it.

"We ate on the train in so we'll just stay here. Maybe next time."

"Alright, have fun." Alec knew Isabelle understood the real reason why and it made the excuse easier when one party saw through it and could help enforce it. "We'll see you guys later." Isabelle winked at Alec before smiling and leaving.

Everyone left, leaving Alec and Magnus alone. Alec looked at Magnus who crossed the room to close the distance between them. "So, I don't think Jace really likes me."

"That's Jace. He doesn't like anyone when he first meets them. He'll get used to you once you get to know each other. "

"Yeah, I'm looking forward to that. I think I'm in love with your sister though."

"You barely know each other," said Alec.

"Yes, but we share a very close connection," Magnus stated. "It's sort of like we're kindred spirits and we were lost and now we've found each other."

Alec rolled his eyes. "Kindred spirits, huh? Just don't go running off with her and forget me because of your new found love."

Magnus grinned. "Now why would I do that when I have you all to myself already?" Magnus leaned down to kiss Alec's lips, barely sating the need that had been in Alec for hours. They were alone and it would probably be the only time they were going to be alone all week. And it was going to be the only time they could get away with kissing until Alec told his parents about them, and even then he didn't know if they could get away with it.

Magnus pulled away from Alec's lips and Alec fought the need to pull him back down. "Show me your room."

The thoughts that those four words ignited in him were uncalled for and yet completely embraced. When you combined alone, bedroom, and the hormones that were rushing through Alec his mind went straight to sexual acts. _Goddamn it Alec, Magnus is the one with the perverted mind, not you._ Alec shook the thoughts from his mind as he took Magnus' hand, focusing instead on the simple joy of being with Magnus than the other emotions flooding through him.

Alec left the room, guiding Magnus down the hallway. His parents had conveniently chosen the farthest guest room from Alec's room possible, placing Magnus on the complete opposite end of the house from him. Alec opened his door, moving out of the way to let Magnus in, following shortly behind. He threw his bag down on the floor as he looked at Magnus who was silently examining his room. He suddenly felt nervous. Alec hadn't typically liked to have people in his room since he preferred the solitude of having the room all to himself. He also felt like it was one of those things where your room represented you, and Alec's did. It was simple, not colourful as Isabelle had tried to make it. He had given in to allow her to buy him a blue comforter, along with other accents, but he had only done that to get her off of his back. Otherwise, his walls were a simple off-white and one of the walls was covered in bookshelves. He had a computer desk across the room from the bookshelves and, at the far end of the room, was a couch and a television, which he rarely ever used. Two doors led to a closet and his bathroom, while another set led out onto the balcony.

He watched Magnus trace his fingers leisurely over the spines of the books.

"Shakespeare. Homer. Doyle. Hugo. Tolstoy." Magnus stopped, fingering War and Peace absentmindedly. "'Art is not a handicraft, it is the transmission of feeling the artist has experienced.'"

"You know Tolstoy?" Alec asked, astounded. Magnus didn't strike him as the type to have read or to have ever considered reading Tolstoy, let alone know him or something he had said.

"No, don't even know who he is really. It was just something my mother always used to say. She loved to read. She always tried to get me to, but I had no interest in it. I preferred her to read to me. Most of what she read I never understood, but I loved just sitting and listening." Magnus looked back at the book, before tracing his eyes over the rest of the overflowing bookcase. "Haven't you ever heard of Harry Potter, or as much as I hate to say it, Twilight? You know, books from this decade, ones that aren't 300 years old?"

"Are you insulting my book choices?" Alec crossed his arms, leaving one shoulder up against the bookshelf as he questioned Magnus.

"Not insulting, simply criticizing nicely."

"Thanks, I appreciate it. And yes, I have read Harry Potter. I'll admit that it wasn't bad. Isabelle forced Twilight on me but I couldn't get past how unrealistic it is. First off they meet 22 pages in and are already in love by page 300. Oh, and the vampires glittered. I mean please, since when do vampires glitter?"

Magnus scoffed. "What, you got something against glitter?"

Alec blushed slightly when he realized how that would come off to Magnus, considering he glittered like Edward in the middle of the desert. "No…I…I love glitter."

Magnus grinned. "Good." He turned to Alec, raising an eyebrow. "Come here."

Alec looked at him curiously, but Magnus' eyebrow just remained raised, his face continuing to tell Alec to come hither. Now if only Magnus knew what that eyebrow did to him. It was enticing; that look alone beckoning him forward. Magnus had used it the day they had met, and thousands of times after that. It was one simple movement but it elicited such a fiery response from Alec that he almost couldn't control it.

Alec closed the distance between them, stopping in front of Magnus and almost melting into him as Magnus wrapped his arms around Alec's waist.

"So how long do we have until your parents come home?"

"I don't know. They could be at the office for a few hours or we could only have ten minutes. Why?"

Magnus grinned and a mischievous glint sparkled in his eyes. "I just wanted to know how long I'd have to work you overbefore I had to play nice and refrain from kissing you every moment of the day."

Magnus' words elicited a blush from Alec. He knew he should be used to hearing Magnus talk like that, but it still caught Alec off guard. He had heard many sexual things escape Jace and Isabelle's lips but with Magnus, it was different. With Magnus, those words fired a burn inside of Alec that made him want to do exactly what Magnus was talking about. But they couldn't do anything. They couldn't take the chance that his parents would come home or even Isabelle, Jace, Clary, Simon, or an unsuspecting Max. Now there would be some explaining to do if they got caught.

"We have to be careful Magnus."

Magnus' face fell slightly. "I know Alec. But don't worry, I've done it before. And for you, it's worth it."

_I've done it before. _Something suddenly clicked inside of Alec and the words spilled from his mouth before he even thought about them. "You hid it with William didn't you?"

Magnus' face went cold but as always, Alec could see it all in his eyes. "Let's not talk about that Alec, it's the past."

"I just want to know. Did you?" Alec looked up at Magnus innocently.

Magnus sighed. "Yes. He was scared to admit he was gay to the world and I helped him through it. But he was different, Alec. We're different." Magnus pulled Alec closer to him. "I don't want you to think about him, okay? He means nothing to me and he never will."

Alec looked down. "I know. I'm sorry."

Magnus placed his fingers to Alec's chin, lifting it to meet his gaze. "You have nothing to apologize for. You asked a question and I have nothing to hide from you." Magnus looked up suddenly when they heard the front door open and close as two people came inside.

Alec's heart hitched in his chest as nerves suddenly flooded through him. It was his parents, home earlier than Alec had hoped for. He had wanted more time with Magnus alone and he also wanted more time to gather himself together before he had to face them with Magnus. He just had to say, 'Mom, Dad, this is my boyfriend Magnus.' That was it and then they'd know.

He could do it…

He could do it…

Could he?

Could he really?

He wanted to do it so bad, but whenever he tried to form the words, they just got stuck and glued themselves to the top of his mouth. Having Magnus there as comfort made the idea seem so much easier and yet, he still didn't feel like he could do it. This was the accumulation of everything his life had been for the last six years. This was what it had all been building up to. This moment. The moment he told them and they finally knew what he was. But with the coming of this moment was the culmination of all the fears that he had buried his whole life. They all came rushing at him, taking him over as he tried to struggle against them and rebury them. But he couldn't do it, and so they became his constant companion.

"They're home Alec. What are you going to do?"

Alec looked up at Magnus, letting himself get lost in hiseyes. It was so easy in Magnus' arms. Nothing mattered there, nothing but what they felt for each other.

"I don't know." Alec could hear the fear in his voice. He knew Magnus was waiting and expecting him to do it. He couldn't figure out if he was more scared of telling his parents or of not telling them and letting Magnus down. "I just…"

"Just do it when you're ready Alec."

Alec sighed, taking in what he'd wanted to be a reassuring breath to his body, but what was instead a shaky and misguided breath. He looked up at Magnus, biting his lip. Alec still couldn't believe that in his arms he had such an amazing, perfect man. He had never intended to find someone; he hadn't even been looking. But Magnus was one of those things where life just smacks you in the face and it's the most beautiful thing ever. Here he had a man who understood him and cared for him in ways he had never expected. Here he had a man who had survived so much in his life that could have made him a terrible person, but he was anything but terrible. He was perfect. He was everything and Alec couldn't have asked for anything better. At that point, Alec just couldn't imagine his life without Magnus in it.

"You won't be mad if I can't do it yet?" His voice was shaky.

"No."

One word. Magnus didn't need to elaborate, that said it all.

"Thank you." Alec leaned up, kissing Magnus softly. He moved away but was pulled back in by Magnus' hands on his back.

"Don't think you're getting away that easily. I see a closed door and so long as I hear noises from downstairs I am taking full advantage of these few minutes we have together."

That sounded like a perfect idea to Alec. He didn't respond, but instead let Magnus pull him into the kiss, their lips coming together as perfectly as they always did. Alec let his hands trail through the spikes of Magnus' hair as they found their customary spot. He pulled Magnus down deeper, savouring this moment and this kiss.

Magnus' tongue slid through Alec's lips, searching and finding each spot that made Alec crazy. His hands slid to Alec's hips, grazing the top of his ass as he pulled their hips closer together, rolling his slowly as he did.

Alec moaned, his cock jerking at the instant fiery connection. Goddamn it, if Magnus kept that up Alec was going to find an excuse to stay behind that closed door for more than a few minutes. This was supposed to be a kiss, not a sexual tease.

Yet, Alec didn't really care. He just liked being there, melding perfectly to Magnus' body. He knew he had to go see his parents but in Magnus' arms, they could have been in the middle of a fire and Alec wouldn't have cared to go. It was because in Magnus' arms Alec had everything and when he left them, he felt like he had nothing. Magnus was the missing part in his life, and he knew that sounded cliché but it was true. It wasn't like he believed in soul mates or anything, but with Magnus, well, there was reason to change his mind.

Magnus' tongue slipped out of Alec's mouth as his lips moved to kiss the spot just below his jaw-line, his tongue tickling the sensitive skin. Alec's skin felt like it was on fire and suddenly the room was becoming way too hot for him. Maybe Magnus was right and he should lose the sweaters. That way he wouldn't be so damn hot when Magnus was purposely trying to arouse him.

Magnus continued across Alec's collarbone slightly before moving back to Alec's lips, capturing them slightly, before pulling away. Alec felt the sudden need for more but thankfully, Magnus had the mind at that moment to know that their three minutes were up. Alec could have stayed there forever and not have cared at all that they had other obligations.

"All right, let's go."

Alec groaned. "You are such a tease, you know that?"

"Got to do something to keep you coming back for more." Magnus smirked. "But don't for a second think that you are innocent of teasing either Alexander."

Alec's eyebrows shot up in surprise. It didn't ever really help that the way his name rolled off Magnus' tongue sent a fire right down to his cock. Talk about a goddamn tease. Magnus knew how to arouse Alec in just the right ways and Alec only hoped that one day maybe he could make Magnus feel the same way. "I do not tease."

"You tease me by just standing there." Magnus pushed Alec against the wall, pressing his body firm against Alec's. Magnus lowered his head to kiss the soft spot behind Alec's ear, his teeth nipping his skin softly, sending a wave of need through Alec. God, the things that mouth did to him. "You tease me so much, I could just fuck you right here." Alec stiffened automatically as Magnus' soft whisper tickled his skin and penetrated any sense of self control he had. Those words were almost enough to do it for him, so low and sexy. To use Magnus' words, he was tempted to throw Magnus down and work him over. Alec didn't know how Magnus did it, but somehow the man made Alec forget himself with just a few simple words. Alec forgot his fears, his inhibitions, even how to form a complete sentence, and pinned there against the wall, his body flush against Magnus, he had lost himself. Alec came back to Earth when Magnus placed a soft, quick kiss to his lips. "But not now, I've got parents to meet."

Alec's heart dropped. "Tease."

"Yes, but an awesome and sexy tease nonetheless. Now come on."

Alec sighed as he pulled away from Magnus, detangling himself from his arms. The loss of contact flashed a coldness through him and Alec suddenly felt the nerves and fears even more.

Magnus smiled, as he followed Alec out of his bedroom. Alec walked down the hallway, wanting so badly to take Magnus' hand with his. He descended the stairs as he headed for the library. He knew his parents didn't expect any of the children to be home and so they would have gone there to relax after work. Alec stopped in front of the library, staring at his parents through the cracked door. They both sat on opposite couches, his father reading the _New York Times _and his mother on her laptop, no doubt doing work.

Alec took one more quick breath before looking at Magnus, who gave him a reassuring smile. Alec let out a breath before knocking on the door softly to inform his parents they were there. He opened the door fully as he and Magnus entered the library.

His parents looked up and Alec caught a small smile cross his mother's face. "Alec, you're home early." Both of his parents were quick to set aside their things to look at their son.

"We got on an earlier train." His voice sounded small to him, echoing through the vast room.

"How lucky." She smiled but then it faded slowly as Alec caught her take in Magnus. Alec's heart beat faster as her facial expression hardened to the one Jace and Isabelle had easily mastered but he had never been able to adopt. He hated when she got that face, he could never read her and he hated not being able to read his mother since it typically never boded well. Alec watched his father who didn't appear to have any reaction, which was typical Robert. But his attention didn't stay on Magnus as he had expected. Robert's reaction to Magnus had been as any reaction would be if your son brought a friend over. Alec wasn't sure if Robert's unexpected reaction or his mother's clear mood shift worried him more.

"So, you must be Magnus." Her voice was cool and calm, not giving away a single thing. Alec would have gotten more emotion from a rock than his mother.

"Yes, I am. It's a real pleasure to meet you Mrs. Lightwood. And you too Mr. Lightwood. Thank you for having me here for the break. I greatly appreciate it."

"It's no problem son. And please, just call me Robert, and wife here is Maryse. So, how was your ride here?"

"Good. Terrible train food, but good," Magnus replied.

"Good, good. Now I do have to ask, if you don't mind my curiosity, why aren't you with your own family for Christmas son?"

Alec noticed the small shift in Magnus' face but to his parents it would have been nothing. Alec just noticed it because it had become common in Magnus to get that look when his family came up. "My mother's dead and my father and I are estranged."

"Oh, I see. I'm sorry about your mother."

"Thank you, but it was a long time ago. Now I must say, your home is very beautiful."

Alec smiled inwardly. If there was any way to make a good impression with his mother it was to compliment the house. She took great pride in it always looking its best and Alec caught Magnus' words bringing a small smile to Maryse's lined lips. Didn't cause any harm either that it was a good way to divert the conversation away from his family.

"Well thank you Magnus. It's nice to see a young man who can appreciate the art of home décor." Slowly the smile disappeared and Maryse was back to her emotionless self. Maryse loved compliments but she never milked them for more than their worth. "So, why aren't you two out for lunch with Isabelle and Jace and their friends?"

"Oh, we ate on the train so we stayed behind to settle in," said Alec. _Tell them Alec. Do it. Tell them._ It just didn't seem like the right moment. But then again, what really was the right moment?

"That's…" Maryse trailed off as she crossed to the table where her cell phone was going off. "Sorry boys, but I must take this. It was nice meeting you Magnus." Maryse clicked the phone off as she left the room, leaving Robert, Magnus, and Alec alone.

"She does that a lot. The woman forgets to leave work at work. I keep telling her she needs to take a break, but she won't listen to me. After twenty-five years I still don't understand the way she works. Women." Robert rolled his eyes.

"Agreed," said Magnus.

"You got yourself a girlfriend?" Robert asked. His face was animated and Alec could see him warming towards Magnus and it lightened Alec's heart. But that question cut through Alec. What was Magnus going to say?

"Not right now, too much of a handful."

"Good boy." Robert laughed. "So, what are you boys planning on doing?" He looked from Alec to Magnus curiously.

Alec looked at Magnus. "I don't know but I was eyeing that movie collection I saw on the way in. I'm thinking of convincing Alec to watch something with me."

"Well I'd join you boys but I'm sure you wouldn't want me around. And besides, I've got some things get done. So you go and watch whatever you want. The theatre room's open until Jace comes home and kidnaps it to play Rock Hero or something, so get your use out of it now."

"We will, thanks Dad."

"It's good to have you home kid. And it's been great meeting you Magnus. Hopefully we can discuss our favourite movies some other time when we're not busy."

"I look forward to it."

Robert smiled, nodding at the boys before walking away to head for his office. As the door closed behind him, Alec let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. With that breath, his heart fell with the realization of what he had planned to happen, not happening. He turned to Magnus feeling completely depressed. "I didn't do it." The words choked out from his lips.

"I didn't expect you to." Magnus placed his hands on Alec's arms, running his hands up and down to comfort him.

"Don't lie to me."

"I'm not. That wasn't the right moment Alec. You'll have your chance soon, but now wasn't it. You'll know when it's right. Now come on, let's forget about that for a few hours and just go have fun. The theatre room is empty until Jace gets home and since both your parents are occupied, I plan on utilizing this time as best as I can." A mischievous glint sparkled in his eyes.

It wasn't the right moment. Maybe Magnus was right. It didn't feel like the right moment so Alec shouldn't feel so disappointed about not doing anything. And after seeing the way Magnus interacted with them and how they appeared to like him, especially his father, it made the idea of telling them easier. If they liked him maybe they wouldn't have a problem with Alec dating him.

* * *

Alec walked down the hallway, a bowl of popcorn, a bag of M&M's, and a bag of Doritos in one hand and two Cokes balanced in the other. They were a quarter way through Pretty Woman-Magnus' choice-and they had become hungry. When Alec said they had eaten on the train, he really meant that they had shared a very stale bag of peanuts. And to add to it, Alec hated peanuts so he had proceeded to go scrounge up a bunch of junk for them to eat.

Magnus had been right about the movie. Alec had completely forgotten about his parents and the elephant in the room. He had just sat there, cuddled up to Magnus' side, watching Pretty Woman. They had shared a few kisses throughout but they were just soft, nothing too passionate. They really just enjoyed spending the time together and Alec was completely at ease.

Alec stopped as he passed his father's office, his parent's voices reaching his ears.

"I don't know about him Robert."

"Magnus or Alec?"

"Both."

Alec's heart started racing again and he swore if it kept it up he would either die of exhaustion or it would pound straight from his chest. She knew. She had to know. Alec's fears suddenly swallowed him. What was she going to do?

"What's wrong with them? Alec seems fine and Magnus appears to be a nice boy."

Maryse sighed. "He does, but you saw him. He's different Robert." Different slipped past her lips almost forcefully.

"There's nothing wrong with being different Maryse. So the boy likes to express himself, didn't we always tell the children to do that?"

"Yes, but it's not the fact that he looks like he rolled around on a floor of glitter that bothers me. He's gay Robert, I just know he is."

There was a silence that passed between them after Maryse's comment and if Alec thought his heart was beating fast before, it was nothing compared to now. He swore it could break the sound barrier if it beat any faster. He knew his parents would realize Magnus was gay, Magnus wasn't exactly the kind to come off as walking the straight and narrow path. But Magnus flaunted and was proud of that part of him the same way he was with every other aspect of himself. And that was something Alec loved about him. Magnus wasn't scared of who he was or what people would think of him because of it, even though he'd faced his whole life, what Alec was so scared of facing.

It was Magnus' life story that finally made it all click for Alec. If Magnus could survive all that he had and make it out as the amazing person he was, Alec could tell his parents he was gay. He was still scared but it was different now. Alec wasn't thinking 'Oh, I'll tell them next time' and he wasn't procrastinating just so he didn't have to do it. Now he knew he was going to do it. Being gay was a part of him and he shouldn't run from that. Robert had worded it perfectly when he said they had always taught them to be themselves. So this was Alec. He was going to finally be himself. He didn't want to hide anymore and Magnus had taught him how to do that and had shown him the door he'd been searching for for so long. He was going to tell them. Despite how scared he was at how they'd react, he needed to do it. He wanted to do it for Magnus but most of all, he realized he needed to do it for himself.

"And what difference does that make Maryse?"

Alec suddenly felt a shot of joy rush through him. That statement said so much to Alec. Maybe his father wouldn't think it made a difference with Alec. If he didn't care about Magnus, maybe he wouldn't care about Alec. He was never really sure if he was more scared of his father's or his mother's reaction. His father had always been the more carefree parent but he had always been quiet when it came to important issues or voicing his opinion. Alec had no idea what his father thought of a lot of things because he tended to keep it to himself and so he was afraid of what his father would say when the time came to tell him the truth.

His mother didn't answer for a while and that flooded away the joy in Alec's heart from his father's comment. He waited patiently, the drinks in his hand starting to freeze his skin and the popcorn bowl starting to slip from his arm. He shifted a little to make his hold tighter.

"I don't know Robert." She sighed. "I just…I think there's something going on with Alec."

"Maryse, he's young and out there in the world on his own for the first time. The kid's discovering himself."

_If only you knew how I was discovering myself Dad._

"I'm just worried, that's all. Call it motherly instinct but I know my son, and something's different. He was weird last time he was down and whenever I call him he says he has to say something but never says it. I need to find out what it is Robert."

"Maryse." Robert's voice was tense. "Say there is something wrong. Now you may be his mother but at that age, kids don't tell us anything. He'll go to Isabelle or Jace before he comes to us. He'll figure out whatever it is. Alec's smart and he's not a little kid anymore. You can't go butting in where you're not wanted."

Maryse sighed, giving in to her husband as she normally did. If there was anyone in the world who could change Maryse's mind it was Robert, otherwise she wouldn't move from her opinion or action. "What if he needs me?"

"Then he'll come to you."

"I hope so."

Alec had heard enough and it was all he needed. He tiptoed down the hallway, speeding up as he turned the corner. Hearing that had made him see the whole situation in a different light. His mother may be strict and cold but underneath it all, she cared. So maybe she'd care enough to accept him for who he was. She wanted him to come to him and so he would. He'd tell her what it was and he had a feeling that Maryse was already cluing in. His mother wasn't stupid, she was a Harvard law graduate and naturally perceptive. But Alec was naturally good at hiding, it had become a skill after 6 years and he wasn't as readable to his mother as she would have liked. But she knew something was up. She knew something and soon she'd know all of it.

Alec turned into the theatre room, stopping in his tracks as he saw what was playing on the screen. He was instantly mortified and could feel himself blushing. Magnus had found the home videos.

Magnus paused the video as he looked up at Alec from his seat in the front, a big smile painted on his face. "I can't figure out if you blushed more as a kid or now."

"Shut up." And with that, Alec blushed an even deeper crimson as he slowly descended the stairs to where Magnus was. He placed the condiments on the table in front of them, taking his spot on the couch next to Magnus.

"Why? You were adorable," Magnus teased.

"I was awkward and I had a gap in my teeth bigger than the Grand Canyon. That is not adorable."

"Oh come on, it wasn't that big. Only like half the size of the Grand Canyon." Magnus smirked as Alec hit him playfully. "Okay, fine, only a quarter size."

"Oh, shut up." Alec rolled his eyes. "Now how the hell did you find our home videos? They were buried."

"Not when I found them. They were sitting on top of that table over there labelled, 'Very funny. Watch.' I was bored since you'd been taking a millennium to get back and how could I turn that down?"

Alec knew exactly who had written that label on the videos and he was going to kill his sister for it. "Yeah, how could you? You know Magnus, sometimes curiosity is not always a virtue."

"It was today." Magnus pressed the play button, a smirk painted across his face.

"Uh uh. No. We are not watching this." Alec leaned across Magnus, trying to grab the remote from his hands. Magnus registered Alec's motions, stretching out his arm to the side so that the remote was completely out of Alec's reach.

"I don't think so."

"Magnus, give it to me."

"Um, no." Magnus said matter-of-factly. Alec lunged for it once more as he couldn't stand one more second of mortification from his home videos. As he went after it, his arm that had been balancing his body on the couch gave and he fell right into Magnus' lap, his face centimetres from Magnus' leather clad crotch. He blushed even worse than before, feeling his whole entire body fill with a sudden exotic need for Magnus. It wasn't like the idea of that part of Magnus' body was new to him, but the physical aspect of it sure was. Alec suddenly thought back to that night when Magnus had pleasured him in ways he didn't even think imaginable. He had had thoughts of doing the same thing to Magnus for days. The need was inside of him, and after that night, his bubble had been popped. He wanted to give Magnus the same thing Magnus had given him. He didn't know how and he'd probably fail epically, but he liked to stick to the idea that relationships worked both ways.

Slowly he pushed himself up away from Magnus, trying to shake away his thoughts of Magnus' dick and what he suddenly felt like doing to it. He looked up at Magnus who had an amused look on his face, his eyebrow raised as he met Alec's gaze. That eyebrow worked wonders over Alec's hormones and his jeans were suddenly tighter than they were five minutes ago.

"Alec, baby, if you wanted to suck my dick, all you had to do was ask. I mean, I like that you're being forward about it, but is this really the place?"

Alec felt more mortified in that moment than he had in his entire life. First the home videos and then this. "No…I…" And to add it to it, he was stuttering. _Real eloquent Alec. Now you look like a stammering idiot._ But Magnus did that to him. He said things like that and any brain Alec had went out the window. Right out the window and out into the ocean attached to an anchor.

Magnus grinned. "Another time. Now come here." Magnus paused the video to Alec's relief as he held out his arm so Alec could take up the spot next to him.

Alec obeyed, moving so that his body moulded into Magnus' side, his head resting lightly on his chest. He listened to the soft beating of Magnus' heart, letting the movement wash away the horror of the last few minutes. He let the feel of Magnus' arm around him engulf him, soothing away all of his outside thoughts.

"So, what took you so long?"

Alec looked up at Magnus. He knew this was going to come up. "I was listening to my parents talking."

"Eavesdropping? And here I thought you hadn't a rule breaking bone in your body. So, what did they say?" Magnus' hand trailed sub-consciously through Alec's hair, twirling a strand of his hair between his fingers as he looked at Alec.

Alec took a deep breath. "They were talking about you and me."

"Good stuff about you and me, or bad?"

"Depends on your interpretation."

"And what was yours?" Magnus asked.

Alec thought about it for a second. "I don't know. But my mother got the impression you were gay."

"Yeah, that is a common theory people adapt about me. I don't know why. I think it's the glitter," Magnus said playfully. "So what did she say next?"

"She went on to say that she thought something was wrong with me."

"Oh, if only she knew."

"Hey!" Alec hit Magnus' chest.

"Sorry princess, didn't mean to offend you. Go on."

Alec rolled his eyes as he took a deep breath and continued. "She said she's worried and she wants to know what's wrong but my father told her to lay off and that I'd come to her when I was ready. She said she hoped so and then I left."

Magnus nodded. "I see. Sounds like it was good stuff to me."

"How was it good?"

"Well, if your mother said she had a feeling something was going on with you then she would already have gone through many possible situations and, given the fact she mentioned that I was gay, then I would bet money that the true situation passed through her brain at least once. But what's good is that she wants you to come to her Alec. She wants to know and given that, she had to have had the idea you might be gay. She said what she said knowing full well that her specualtions could possibly be the truth."

"So what you do mean?"

"I mean that maybe you don't have so much of a reason to be afraid. It doesn't sound like telling your mother you're gay will necessarily be bad. Maybe not great, but I think we can rule out the worst of your fears."

"You think?" Alec asked. Could his worst fears really be assuaged? It was so much easier to say something than to do it. His mother might say she was ready to hear it and be there for him, but would she really want to when the time came to do it?

"Yeah, I do." Magnus smiled. "It's going to be alright Alec, I know it is."

"How do you know?"

"Because I'm all-knowing and awesome, that's how. Haven't I told you that already?"

"Many times."

"Good. Now don't forget it." Magnus placed a soft kiss to Alec's forehead before grabbing the remote and resuming the home videos.

Alec groaned, burying his face into Magnus' chest. He had the urge to fight him again on it but knew it was a lost cause. When Magnus Bane wanted something, he normally got it.

Alec inhaled the familiar scent of Magnus. It was a mix of cinnamon, vanilla, and some foreign, intoxicating scent that Alec couldn't put his finger on but cherished anyway. He let the feel and scent of Magnus fall over him. _It's going to be alright. _That was what Magnus had said and for once in Alec's life, he believed it. Alec had told himself those same words a thousand times over but they had never done anything for him because he never truly believed them. But hearing them from Magnus was different. From Magnus' lips, those words held so much more meaning because with Magnus, Alec saw a future where everything was alright. He'd tell his parents and they'd be okay with it and then he'd go back to Idris with Magnus and everything would be alright.

Alec smiled. For once he wasn't scared of the future, but anticipating it. It was a future with Magnus, a future where Alec wasn't hiding anymore. It was beautiful and Alec almost couldn't wait. He honestly owed it all to Magnus. If it hadn't been for him supporting him and opening his eyes, Alec wouldn't have even thought about actually truly telling his parents. If it weren't for Magnus, Alec would still be alone, scared, and hopeless.

Alec wrapped his arm around Magnus' chest, pulling himself closer to him. He knew he was pretty much plastered against him, but he didn't care. It felt good and that was all that mattered to him.

Magnus was all that mattered to him.

* * *

There you go. I hoped everyone liked it. So now that Magnus had met the parents what do you think's going to happen? Will Alec tell his parents or chicken out? Will they accept him if he does? And what about Jace? What happens when he finds out? I will answer those questions for you guys soon but feel free to speculate for the time being. I love hearing what you guys think'll happen. But for now I'm going to go try and work on the next chapter and i'll see you all in a week. Love you guys and thanks for everything!

Be the change,  
Amber


	18. Unrequited

Chapter 18

Unrequited

I'm going to begin by saying how absolutely sorry I am this update took two weeks. I had planned on getting it out last weekend but a lot of stuff came up and I didn't have time. I also encountered a huge case of writer's block for about a week and a half where I couldn't focus on anything and I hated everything I wrote. But, I'm all good now and I'm back to writing. But in regards to updates. My life has recently decided to get busy for the next two and a half months. Between volunteering, work, and exam studying starting at the end of May, writing time will be scarce. But I will write, I just can't guarantee a regular updating schedule. I'm sorry about this and hopefully you can all bare with me for the next few months. By the summer school'll be out of the way so i'll have a lot more time to write and updates should be more common.

Now I would like to thank everyone who reviewed last chapter. I honestly couldn't do this without every single person who reads this story and I want you all to now that you are amazing. I can't honestly say thank you enough.

I would also like to thank my beta for getting this back to me so quickly so I could get it up to you guys as soon as possible.

One other quick thing. Finished CoFA last weekend an it was amazing. Anyone else disappointed that Magnus and Alec didn't come in until page 249 and only had like 3 scenes. Of course they were lovely and amazing, and the last scene between them was so sweet, but I wanted more. Anyway, just wanted to know, did you guys like it? Did anyone else yell at the book when it ended for that lovely yet terrible cliffhanger? Is anyone else counting down the days for CP and CoLS? Anyway, it was amazing. Cassandra Clare is freaking genius. Enough said.

Now on to the chapter. I hope you all like it. Enjoy!

* * *

Songs:

Confidence-Teddy Geiger (Alec to Magnus)

The Rock and the Tide-Joshua Radin (Alec to Magnus)

* * *

Alec lay on his bed, waiting for Magnus to finish his daily morning routine. He stared up at the ceiling as he cycled through his brain the events of the last few months. He felt like he had just met Magnus and now here he was, ready to tell his parents he was gay. Before meeting Magnus, Alec had resolved himself to the fact that he would never be able to tell them. That he would pine secretly over Jace and forever take up home in his closet. That was the easy thing for him to do. It meant never having to confront his fears and he was perfectly fine with that. He was happy hiding. It was easy and it was safe. As long as he felt for Jace he would never have to admit out loud the truth because he knew Jace would never return the sentiment. And then his parents would never know and he could just go on with life. But then Magnus came.

Magnus took everything he had planned and threw it out the window. He turned Alec's world upside down because, with Magnus, he couldn't hide anymore. Magnus wasn't the easy or safe choice because with him, Alec couldn't deny who he was. He couldn't deny what he felt for Magnus. And in his feelings for him, he lost his feelings for Jace. He realized how pathetic and pointless his fantasy with Jace was and that Jace was nothing. He was Alec's fantasy of an easy life. But now he had Magnus, and he was his reality. He couldn't deny that anymore. He couldn't deny that he was falling head over heels for Magnus and that he wanted nothing more than to have Magnus in his life. And having him in his life meant telling his parents he was gay.

The idea of telling his parents both frightened Alec and excited him. It frightened him because he feared their reaction and it excited him because telling them was one big step to admitting to the world he was gay. It was one big step to giving Magnus that public relationship Alec knew he really wanted. It pained him to see how he hurt Magnus. Magnus wouldn't admit it but Alec knew. He flaunted his sexuality like a waving flag and he didn't exactly blend in or hide, so Alec knew this was hard for him. He knew that he needed to give this to Magnus after everything he had given him. Magnus always talked about baby steps but the time for baby steps was over. It was time for Alec to muster up all of his courage and just go for it; take a big step. It was time he stopped being afraid of what he was and accept it, because he was falling in love with Magnus and he didn't want to lose him because he was too afraid to come out of the closet.

The thought of telling the whole world scared the shit out of him but he figured if he could at least tell his parents, he was one step closer to telling the world. He owed it to Magnus. If it wasn't for him, Alec wouldn't have been able to even seriously think about telling them. Magnus gave him courage; he encouraged him to go for it and, knowing he was there for him every step of the way, made it so much easier. He wasn't so afraid anymore because with Magnus, he felt like he already had everything he needed and he didn't feel like he would have anything to lose.

Alec jerked out of his reverie when his door flew open. At first he thought it was Magnus but then he thought better of it when he realized Magnus had the respect not to burst into someone's room without at least announcing himself first. And it wasn't Magnus. It was Jace.

Alec sat up as Jace strolled over, plopping himself down on Alec's computer chair. "I hate women. I hate 'em. One minute they tell you you're all they're going to need and then the next minute they're going to rip your head off."

"Clary?" Alec figured he might as well humour Jace since it was the best way of getting rid of him quickly.

"Yes." Jace exhaled, exasperated. "I offered to take her to this expensive new restaurant downtown and she said no since it was too much money. So I thought 'Okay, whatever. Works for me.' Then she asks me this morning what we're doing and I said nothing. Then she got all sad and when I asked her why she was sad she said it was because she had wanted to go to that restaurant. Now she's mad at me. Can you believe that? She explicitly tells me she doesn't want to go and then gets mad at me because I do what she says. Are you laughing at me?"

Yeah, Alec was laughing at him. Seeing Jace in such as state was a rarity and his rant was quite entertaining, to say the least. "Yes. Has living with Isabelle taught you nothing?"

"I'm sorry?" Jace cocked an eyebrow at Alec, and for once it did nothing to him. Months ago he would have got that cliché feeling of butterflies in his stomach but now he felt nothing. Instead, he got more than just that feeling when Magnus cocked his eyebrow.

"Isabelle does that all the time. Just because a girl says she doesn't want something, doesn't mean she means it. Clary's testing you."

"So you're telling me that Clary did want to go, but by nicely turning down my offer she was testing me to see if I would actually still do it?"

"Exactly."

Jace groaned, leaning back in the chair as he spun around slowly. He placed his palm to his forehead, massaging a soft circle into his skin. "God, women give me a headache. It was so much easier when the girls I was with only lasted a few days. They knew what they were getting and never asked for anything else." Jace sighed. "You know dude, maybe you've got the right idea. Not being with a woman makes life so much easier." Jace shot up from his position until he was looking directly at Alec. "Speaking of which. Did you and Anna hook up yet?"

Okay, Alec was getting tired of this. Jace's continuous pestering about his sex life was enough for Alec to tell him then and there just so he would stop. Alec was tired of being asked about what women he was sleeping with and being criticized for not sleeping with anyone. So what if he was a virgin? So Jace had slept with three quarters of the town's teenage female population that did not mean everyone else was a whore just like him. Which made Alec wonder, had Jace and Clary hooked up? He didn't take Clary for the type, but no one had ever been known to resist Jace.

"No. Jace, would you stop? It doesn't matter who I sleep with or when I sleep with someone."

"So you're still a virgin?"

Alec growled in frustration. "Would you just leave it be, please? It doesn't really matter."

Jace threw his hands up in defence. "Okay, sorry. Didn't mean to hurt your feelings. No need to be such a drama queen." Jace spun around lazily before stopping to face Alec. "So, Magnus?"

"What about him?" Alec asked through gritted teeth. There was no way this was going anywhere good. It was Jace and sometimes he could be a real inconsiderate asshole. And here he'd thought Clary was changing him. Guess some things never change, huh?

"Well, he's interesting." Jace examined his fingernail lazily before looking up at Alec from beneath his eyelashes.

"And?"

"And he wears more make-up and glitter than Isabelle."

"So?" What the hell was he getting at? What did it matter?

"So, the guy's gay Alec. And I mean like_ gay_." Jace drew out the second 'gay', further emphasizing his point.

"And what's wrong with being gay?" Jace had always had a very flippant attitude towards homosexuality. He'd never admitted to being okay with it and took many chances to make a joke about gay people. That's why it was so hard for Alec with Jace because he never felt like Jace could understand and he feared that he would become just another joke.

"I don't know, nothing. But doesn't it bother you that he might like, like you or something? And I mean, he was totally checking you out earlier. Doesn't that creep you out?"

"No. Jace, come on just drop it, okay." He couldn't do it any longer. He couldn't pretend to not be affected by what Jace was saying. He couldn't pretend to be who he wasn't. Hearing Jace speak so easily about the issue hurt Alec. How was he honestly supposed to expect Jace to accept him if he was talking like this about Magnus? Alec knew it couldn't possibly be this easy.

"Okay. But why the hell are you getting so defensive about it? I'm just talking about the fact that he's gay, it's not that big of a deal."

"Yes it is!" Alec snapped. _Yes it is Jace, because I need you to accept me for who I am. I need you to not disregard me the way you've disregarded this conversation._

"I'm sorry?" Jace looked taken aback, his playful, offhand behaviour gone.

"Jace, you should go." Alec stood up from his bed to back his point that Jace needed to go. He couldn't tell him. He just couldn't do it. Jace wouldn't accept him, he wouldn't. Who was Alec really fooling thinking that everyone would be okay with it? He was such an idiot.

"Alec, I'm not leaving. What the hell's up with you? You've been acting weird for weeks now." Jace remained in his chair, and Alec could almost swear he saw concern flash through Jace's gaze.

"Jace, go please." Alec just wanted to be alone. He wanted to wallow in his misery alone where he thought about how scared he was and how no one would accept him for being gay.

"No. Alec, what's going on?"

"It's nothing." Alec averted his gaze from Jace. He couldn't bring himself to look at him. He wanted to tell him so bad, the words were right there, hanging loosely at the tip of his tongue. But he couldn't. He just couldn't do it. He didn't have the courage to say it, to open his mouth and just tell Jace that secret he'd been holding onto for 6 years. It was so different to think about doing it then to actually face the moment and do it.

"Alec, tell me. You're my brother and I think I've earned the right to know why you're acting like this. Seriously Alec, you've been acting strange and I'm not the only one who has noticed it. Mom and Dad think something's seriously wrong with you. So come on dude, tell me what the hell is wrong with you? I don't like this Alec. I want old Alec back, even if he was boring, a little bit of a buzz kill, and completely humourless. So tell me Alec."

"Jace, no." Alec turned his back on him, trying harder and harder to push him away. _Just tell him Alec. Just go for it. What do you have to lose? _He thought he had a lot to lose, especially if Jace didn't accept him. _He may be an idiot Alec, but he knows you and that conversation gave a lot away for even people as incompetent and brainless as Jace._That was right. Alec had no other reason to act the way he did unless he was hiding something, something Jace had clearly become aware of and was determined to get from him.

Jace sighed. "You can tell me anything Alec, you know that." He paused. "I may not be the best person to lend an ear to, but I'm still listening. I'll wait here all day until you tell me what's going on. As much as my company for any period of time is a complete privilege, I don't think you really want me hanging around all day."

"That's blackmail." And yet, Jace's words touched Alec. _You can tell me anything. _Could he really? People said that all the time but when they learned what it was that person had to say, they regretted ever hearing it. Would Jace regret it once Alec told him he was gay?

"That's negotiating terms harshly. Not blackmail," Jace said playfully. "I'm waiting."

Alec took a deep breath. Could he tell him, really? Was it that easy? He was sitting there, waiting for Alec to say it, waiting for him to come out. Waiting. Alec didn't need to go to him to tell him. Instead, Jace was actually sitting there waiting for Alec to dump his secret. But there was something about telling Jace that more than slightly frightened him. He figured it was because of the way he had once felt for him. His whole life he had pined after Jace secretly and he had resolved himself to never having to tell Jace, to never having to admit to him he was gay. Alec felt that in admitting to Jace he was gay he was professing to him how he had felt for him all those years. Alec didn't know if he was ready for that.

But then he thought of Magnus. _You'll know when it's right. _In his heart he felt like it was right, that this was the moment to tell Jace, but his head was screaming at him to make Jace leave and not tell him. But thinking of Magnus and thinking of how he had stood by him and encouraged him to come out, Alec felt a spark light inside of him. He could do it. It felt right. Jace was waiting, listening, and there would be no better chance to tell him. In all honesty, there never was a perfect time and the excuse of waiting for one was just one more way to run and hide, something Alec had grown to be an expert at.

Alec's heart tightened in his chest and he felt like his whole world was spinning around him. Alec had spent six years building up to this moment, to admitting to Jace what he was. And now that the moment was here, Alec felt like the build up of those six years was crashing over top of him, robbing him of the oxygen in his body. Or was that just the result of so many years locked behind a closet door? He didn't know, but still he struggled to fill his lungs with air.

_Just say it Alec._

_Just say it. _

"I'm gay." The words fell from his lips, soft and full of every emotion Alec's heart possessed. It was like he was bearing his soul in those two small words, finally ripping open those doors and facing everything in the world for the first time. The feeling was beautiful. Not frightening or nerve-wracking, but completely and incomparably beautiful. It literally felt like a weight had lifted off of Alec's shoulders, a weight that had barred his soul and held him down through the steps of his life. He let the feeling overpower him, washing through every fibre of his being as he let the realization sink in. He had said it. He had finally said it. He almost felt like he was dreaming, like the world around him was lying to him and he was really still hiding and had never really spoken those two words.

He let the reality of it all set in, and with that reality, came a Titanic size fear of what Jace was going to say. Yeah, it felt damn good to finally say it, to finally speak those two monumental words out loud, but as good as it felt, it still warranted the fear. A fear that now overcame Alec and started drowning all the happiness in his soul. What was he going to say? Would he accept him?

"I know."

He hated him…Wait, what?

"You know?" Alec turned around. He couldn't believe what he had just said and a part of him didn't even want to believe it. Jace knew. How the hell did he know?

But he hadn't said he hated him. That was a start. But there was still a chance. He could still say he hated him. Alec took a deep breath, trying so hard to fill his needy lungs with oxygen. He just needed to breathe, yet somehow, the room seemed to be closing in on him, Jace's words a distant echo in his head. He just wanted to run, that way he wouldn't have to face Jace's judgment. But he couldn't run. He was rooted to the spot, held there by his fear and his need to hear Jace accept him.

"I do." In Jace's eyes Alec saw something. It wasn't hate. It was a mix between surprise, confusion, and what looked like…understanding. Well, that wasn't something Alec had expected. Jace's features shifted in and out of those emotions, but he didn't say anything, and Alec didn't know if that was supposed to be a good thing or not. He wanted Jace to speak, for him to say how he felt. It was so much better than this forced silence that was even more suffocating to Alec's already breathless being.

"How did you find out?"

"I heard you talking to Isabelle last time you were home."

"You were eavesdropping on us?" Of course he was, it was Jace.

Jace laughed softly. "You could call it that. I think of it as observing secretly. Now I want to know why you didn't tell me but instead thought to share that information with Isabelle."

"What?" Okay, so that question Alec was definitely not expecting. But did that mean Jace was okay with it? Did his wanting to have known earlier mean he accepted Alec? God, the questioning in Alec was killing him. It was hard enough to tell Jace but now he just needed to know how Jace felt. He didn't need these questions.

"Why didn't you tell me when you got together? Being an extremely important person I think I deserved to know that my brother and my best friend was dating someone. Now I feel completely left out and that hurts. I'm offended Alec, really." Jace made a sad face, reminiscent of a five year old who was denied a toy at the store.

Alec laughed, the laugh finally letting air into his lungs. The happiness that filled him was euphoric. God, that was even better than he had hoped. Jace was offended that Alec hadn't told him. Offended. This was so much better than anything Alec had ever dreamed. He had expected Jace to not be okay with it, to accept it but not be okay with it, not _offended_ Alec hadn't toldhim. Magnus was right. They were his family, and they'd love him no matter what. He owed this to Magnus. Without Magnus, Alec wouldn't have had the courage to tell Jace, and then he wouldn't feel as wonderful as he did at that moment. Now he just had his parents, which he knew was a completely different story. But right now, he didn't want to think about that. He was happy and he wanted to stay happy for just a little bit longer.

"You're laughing," Jace stated incredulously. "You're freaking laughing. I'm hurting and you're laughing."

Alec sobered up, meeting Jace's gaze. "Sorry. But you're okay with this? With me?" He just needed to make sure. He needed an actual yes.

Jace stood up, clapping Alec on the back. "Of course I am. You're my brother. You could think you were a pink unicorn and could shoot rainbows out of your ass and I would still love you. I'd think you were fucking crazy, but you're my brother, and that doesn't matter."

There. He'd got his yes. "Thank you."

"No problem bro." Jace smiled. "Don't worry, I won't tell Mom and Dad. But it hurts me that you told Isabelle." Jace feigned insult.

"What?"

"I really thought we had a bond and here you tell her before me. Honestly Alec, I thought I meant more to you than that." Jace pouted, sticking out his lower lip playfully.

"We do have a bond Jace. I was just scared to tell you."

"What, did you think I was going to bite? It was only that once, I swear."

Alec laughed. "I was scared of what you would think. Of me."

"Look Alec, as long as you're happy, that's all that matters. Of course, I'm extremely disappointed that I can't tease you about women anymore, but I'm sure I'll find something else."

They both broke eye contact as someone knocked on the door. Alec knew that someone was Magnus. He was done, a half hour on the dot. "One second," Alec called out to Magnus.

Jace looked back at Alec. "I'm glad you told me Alec. And don't worry about Mom and Dad, I'm sure they'll be fine." Jace pulled Alec into a hug, something completely out of character for Jace but it felt nice. Alec felt accepted by Jace, but he still had one fear remaining. Jace might accept that he was gay but how would he react if he ever learned that Alec had been in love with him for most of their childhood? Would he be so accepting then? Alec wagered a guess that he wouldn't. It wasn't like it was everyday that your best friend and brother said he loved you. So Alec wouldn't tell him. But, there was one person who deserved to know that, who Alec felt should know.

Jace pulled away. "Just keep it down in here okay. I'd like to keep my ears in working order."

Alec blushed but still hit Jace playfully. "Shut up."

Jace laughed before turning to leave. He opened the door to Magnus who was standing somewhat impatiently in the doorway. He raised an eyebrow questionably when he saw Jace. Their gazes met and Alec was pretty sure they were having the staring competition of the millennium; both of their gazes could have cut steel.

"You take care of him Magnus or I will come after you and see to it that you die slowly and painfully."

"You know I don't respond well to threats."

"And I don't respond well to people hurting Alec. So watch it." Jace glared at him for a few more seconds before pushing past him out into the hallway. Magnus stood there for a few seconds before walking into the room, closing the door behind him. He raised an eyebrow questionably at Alec.

"I told him."

Magnus smiled, dropping his eyebrow as he crossed the room to where Alec stood. He wrapped his arms around Alec's waist, bringing Alec to him. Alec's body moulded to his, his muscles relaxing into Magnus' arms. He placed his head on Magnus' chest, relishing in just the feeling of having Magnus there, holding him.

"How does it feel?"

"Amazing." Alec looked up to meet Magnus' gaze. He honestly didn't think he could feel any better. His brother accepted him, he had Magnus, and he was one step closer to telling the world he was gay. All in all, it had been a good day so far. Alec just hoped it would stay that way through to that night when he planned on telling his parents.

"I told you it would be okay."

"Yeah, I know. Thank you." Alec bit his lip, his brain finally grabbing onto a thought that had been nagging at him for hours. He had to tell Magnus something. He had to or he was going to go crazy holding it in. "Magnus, can we talk?"

"Yeah, sure. What is it Alec?"

Alec took a deep breath. "You said yesterday that you have nothing to hide from me, and I realized that there is something I've been hiding from you. Something you deserve to know and that I really need to tell you." Alec bit his lip, pausing as he thought of how to word it. He had never voiced it out loud to himself, let alone anyone else. And this was Magnus. This bore more weight to Magnus than anyone else, except for maybe Jace, and Alec wasn't ready to tell Jace and he never really planned on it. "I…Well…Jace…" God he didn't know how to say it. How could he tell Jace he was gay but not tell Magnus this?

Magnus placed a finger to Alec's lips, silencing him. "Shh. I know."

Alec's eyebrows shot up in questioning. "You know?" He knew? God, what was it with everyone knowing what Alec wanted to tell them? That just completely defeated the purpose of him telling them anything.

"I've known for a while actually."

"How?"

"I figured it out before we were together. I saw the way you lit up when he called and the way you talked about him. It was obvious how you felt for him."

"So you got with me knowing the way I felt for Jace?"

"Yes, but I got with you hoping I could make you forget him. Which looking at you now with him, I'd like to think you have."

Alec's blush deepened. If Magnus had picked up on it so easily had Jace figured it out? He knew Isabelle knew, but they didn't really discuss it if Alec could help it. So had Jace caught on? Had he noticed all those small things the way Magnus had? Alec could only hope he hadn't.

The fact that Magnus already knew about Jace made Alec happy. He didn't have to fear Magnus freaking out or getting jealous or leaving him because Alec had been in love with a man that might as well have been his brother. Instead, Magnus had actually known well ahead of getting with Alec, and he had gone through with it knowing Alec had feelings for another man. He had hoped to make Alec forget Jace, and that he had done very well.

"I have. I understand how pointless it all was now, how unrealistic. But I wanted you to know, I felt like you deserved to know. But Jace can't know. He can't."

"Don't worry, I won't tell him." Magnus smiled, pulling Alec closer to him. "You know, I'm proud of you."

"You're proud of me? For what?" What was there to be proud of? Alec hadn't done anything of note, or anything that was worthy of praise.

"For telling your brother. That took a lot Alec, I know. But I knew you could do it. You just had to wait until you were ready." Magnus placed a soft kiss to Alec's forehead. "And one day you'll be ready to tell your parents."

"I want to do it tonight."

Magnus smiled. "Whenever you want. I'll be right here, behind you every step of the way."

"I honestly don't know what I'd do without you." It was true. But he did know he wouldn't have told anyone.

"Crash and burn." A playful glint flickered in Magnus' eyes.

"Well I hope not." Alec smiled, leaning forward to capture Magnus' lips with his. The kiss was short, soft, but meaningful. He pulled away. "Thank-you."

Magnus' face shifted and Alec suddenly got the feeling he'd done something wrong. "That's it?"

"What do you mean?"

"Uh uh. I want more than that. Make me believe that 'thank you.'"

"Make you believe it?"

"Yeah." Magnus pulled Alec flush with his body, his hands lingering under Alec's ass. "Make me believe it," he whispered into Alec's ear, his voice causing a shiver to run down Alec's skin that shot right through to where Magnus intended it to. But damn did Alec like it. It had been a long night without Magnus next to him. He was so used to his firm, warm body up against his and the pillows just didn't do it as replacements. All night he was cold and he missed the feel of Magnus against him. And in the morning, he hadn't woken to Magnus' face, to the clear, beautiful face and luminous eyes that had come to grace him every morning. So to say he had missed Magnus and had wanted him really bad was the understatement of the decade.

Yeah, he'd make him believe it.

Alec captured Magnus' lips, his tongue brushing softly over his lips before separating the thin line to delve his tongue into Magnus' mouth. Magnus moaned against him, the vibration in his throat eliciting a similar response in Alec. His tongue explored each and every corner of Magnus' mouth as his hands travelled to Magnus' neck. Magnus had left his hair down today, as Alec had grown to like it, and his hands moved to entwine themselves in the onyx and blue strands of his hair. He pulled him down closer to him, letting himself get lost in the feel of Magnus against him. Yeah, he had definitely gotten used to this. He was so used to just losing the world and forgetting everything when he was in Magnus' arms. Nothing else mattered with Magnus. Nothing else mattered but him, and the two of them, together.

Alec gasped when Magnus' hands moved under Alec's ass, lifting his legs so they were wrapped around Magnus' waist. He smiled against Alec's mouth as he took the few needed steps to reach Alec's bed. He dropped Alec onto the bed, following shortly after, laying his body over top of Alec's.

Alec's lips separated as Magnus' tongue explored his mouth. He used his legs to pull Magnus' body closer to his, moaning as Magnus' teeth glided across his lower lip, before sucking on it slowly.

"I missed you last night," Magnus said softly, moving to kiss the length of Alec's chin, down his neck, and over his collarbone.

"I missed you too."

"Maybe I should sneak in tonight." He sucked slowly on a spot under Alec's ear; a spot that Magnus knew aroused Alec in all the right ways.

"You'd get caught." Alec said, angling his head for Magnus' mouth to further explore the sensitive skin on his neck.

"No I wouldn't, I'm a ninja." Magnus was now looking down at Alec, his eyes glittering.

"A ninja huh?"

"Yup. Now shut up, you know you love it." He closed the last few inches between their mouths, capturing Alec's lips once again. _Love. _God, the way that word shot through Alec was enough to send him overboard. He didn't know what it was but something about love and Magnus just sparked something inside of him. Something that started to burn very bright. It was beautiful and it warmed his soul and his heart.

Love.

Why did that word affect him so badly?

_Because you're falling in love with him._

Was he? Was he really falling in love with Magnus? It felt like it. His heart had never felt so alive. And what he felt for Magnus was unlike anything he had ever experienced. It was indescribable, and yet, Alec knew that it was so much more than just liking Magnus. It was wanting to hold him and have him for as long as he possibly could. It was feeling like he was finally whole again, like Magnus was that other missing piece of him. He felt like he never wanted to leave him, that his heart would literally break if he lost Magnus. Was it love? Was that what he felt for Magnus?

Alec didn't know, but it was beautiful. And if it was really love, Alec would be perfectly okay with that.

* * *

So, there you go. Hope you all liked it. This chapter went through about five drafts before I found the story I wanted to go with, so hopefully it turned out okay. The next chapter will be Alec coming out to his parents. He's finally taking steps. Aren't we all so proud of him? I know I am. Anyway, I am off to go write the next chapter now and hopefully it'll be up by next weekend. If it's not I am sorry. This weekened and next week are crazy for me and I think i'll be away from my computer for three days for the holiday next weekend, so hopefully I can squeeze writing in somewhere. Anyway, I love all of you guys for reading this and for being such amazing people. Thank you so much. Until next time.

Be the change,  
Amber


	19. Unplanned

Chapter 19

Unplanned

Hey guys, I'm back! Thank you for all the wonderful reviews in the last chapter. I had a long week this week and your reviews made me so extremely happy. You are all so amazing and please know that I couldn't do this without all of you. I also couldn't do it without my beta who got this back to me really quickly after I sent it to her. She's amazing and also considering writing something, which I'm really excited about.

Now, this is the chapter you've all been waiting for. It was a bitch to write. I just couldn't make it feel right and it went through probably five drafts, which is why this chapter took longer than I had expected. So this is what finally came of Alec coming out to his parents. I really hope it's okay.

So here it goes...Enjoy!

* * *

Songs:

Part of Me-Nizlopi (Please listen to this song. It is really amazing and the message behind it is beautiful. Honestly one of my favourite songs of all time and I think everyone in the world should listen to it at least once in their lifetime just to get the main part of the song.)

Down-Jason Walker (Alec)

When My Heart is Gone-Morgan Karr (Absolutely love this man. He's from Broadway and is working on putting out music now. This is from his EP he's releasing soon. You can find him on Youtube.) (Alec)

* * *

"Gorgeous darling. Gorgeous." Magnus lounged happily on Isabelle's silk pink and black coverlet, watching as Isabelle paraded a line of new outfits for him. She had asked for his opinion earlier that day on what she should wear out that night on a date. Well, in Isabelle's words, it was 'a dinner with Simon, nothing more', but by the extra attention Isabelle was paying to how she looked by asking Magnus to help her, Magnus was damn sure it was more than just a dinner with a friend. A friendly date was more like it. Looking at Isabelle and judging by what Magnus already knew of her, he would never have taken Simon as Isabelle's type, but hey, you love who you love.

"You think?"

"You'll knock his little band geek socks off. Or he'll drop dead from a heart attack. Depends. I'm not sure how many hot women his virgin eyes have seen."

Isabelle laughed, throwing her head back to let her black hair cascade over her shoulders. "You think I'm hot?"

"Don't tell Alec, but, yeah, you're hot." Magnus smirked letting Isabelle's laughter fill his ears. He found it so easy to talk to Isabelle. They spoke the same language, and it was a change from the other girls Magnus had ever spoken with, those he dated or hooked up with. But Isabelle was a friend, a friend that knew exactly how to pair colours and speak clothes without wanting to take the aforementioned materials off of him. It was a relief and it was nice that she was Alec's sister. Magnus had never really gotten along with his prior partners' families and so it was a pleasurable change to finally get along with someone.

"Well who would have ever thought. My brother's boyfriend thinks I'm hot. I never thought I'd hear that from a gay man," Isabelle grinned as she joked.

"Technically I'm bisexual sweetie but that's just details." Magnus waved his hand dramatically to discard the comment. "And I am allowed to compliment a woman when she looks nice, it's only common courtesy."

"Well thank you."

"That's what I'm here for darling. It's nice to know at least one Lightwood in this family has some fashion sense."

Isabelle laughed. "Alec still won't let you revamp his wardrobe?"

"Won't even consider it. I tried to take him shopping and he made up some excuse about a project on Hamlet. A project he had done two weeks earlier. The boy's helpless. I mean, I just want to try one other colour. You know like blue? It can still be dark if it makes him happy. And it can be even be one of those awful sweaters."

"Damn those sweaters," Isabelle joked.

"You're telling me."

Isabelle laughed. "I'll be right back." She turned to return back to her bathroom, her hair whipping behind her, the dark tips disappearing last as she closed the door.

She came back out shortly after, dressed in tight fitting jeans and a white tank top, the black dress they had decided on draped over her arm. She walked over to her closet, sliding it onto a hanger, before placing it in its spot. She turned back to Magnus, the smile that was previously on her face now replaced with a soft serious line. She looked like she was thinking about something.

"Magnus, can I ask you something?"

Magnus looked at her questioningly. The sudden change in her behaviour was unexpected and caught him off guard.

"Yeah, sure." Magnus propped himself up on his elbow, looking at Isabelle from underneath glittered eyelashes.

"Well, I don't mean to prod where I don't belong but it's been killing me and I know Alec won't tell me."

"Isabelle, what is it?

Isabelle crossed to the bed, sitting down across from Magnus, crossing her legs underneath her. "Well, I just… Do you know when he's planning on telling Mom and Dad?"

Magnus sighed. He should have expected that one. "When he's ready. It takes time. It's easier to tell you and Jace then it is your parents."

"Wait, he told Jace?"

"Yeah, he told him this morning. You didn't know?"

"No." Isabelle let out an exasperated breath. "Why am I always the last person to know anything in this house? What happened? What did he say? Is Jace okay with it? Is Alec okay?" The questions came out like rapid fire, slipping through Isabelle's lips at a speed Magnus would have thought impossible if it wasn't Isabelle.

"Woah Isabelle, slow down. Alec told him he was gay and Jace said he knew. He had listened in on your conversation last time he came down. Jace was okay with it and Alec's okay too. He's feeling a lot better about things. It's easier for him to know you two accept him." Magnus paused. "I don't think I've told you this, but thank you."

"For what?"

"For accepting him being gay. You have no idea how good it feels for people like us to be accepted by the ones we love. Alec's really scared about coming out and I'm sure you know that already. So thank you for making it easier for him."

"Hey, I'm his sister. I have an obligation to love him for every part of him, even if it's the fashion senseless, clueless parts of him." Isabelle smiled. "But I'm glad he told Jace. It's a lot better for Alec that Jace knows. I can only imagine how hard it had to have been for him." Isabelle met Magnus' eyes. "Magnus, do you know about Alec and Jace?"

"Alec told me this morning."

"And you're okay with it?"

"Yeah, I'm okay with it." Honestly, he was slightly jealous. And why shouldn't he be? Jace was the first person Alec had ever loved and although Magnus knew Alec no longer harboured feelings for him, he knew that Alec could never forget what he felt for Jace and that that would stay with him forever. Magnus just prayed that Alec was telling the truth when he said the feelings were really gone, as in he wasn't feeling like he was in love with Jace anymore. Magnus understood why Alec would have fooled himself into believing he was in love with Jace, it was easy when you were young and discovering who you were. "And I trust Alec when he says he's over Jace."

"You know, you're amazing you know that?"

"Yes I do."

Isabelle laughed. "No modesty there. But really, why can't every straight guy on earth even be half like you? I only wish I could have part of what you and Alec have together. It's so amazing that you're waiting for him Magnus. And thank you for that. You were exactly what my brother needed. I've never seen him so happy, so alive. For once he's not moody and PMS-ing, and I had resigned myself years ago to the fact that that would never change. But you've changed him Magnus and you've given him so much more than he ever had." Isabelle paused, smiling. "So don't mess it up."

"Is that a threat to not hurt your brother or…"

"It's friendly advice. I already got my threats out of my way as I'm sure Jace has also done."

"Oh yeah, he did. I think I've been assigned a slow and painful death. And for the record, your threats were far more creative."

"Are you saying that because it's true or because you wanted to take a hit on Jace's ego?"

"Both."

Isabelle grinned, clearly enjoying the thought of deflating Jace's ego. "Magnus, can I ask you something else?"

"Shoot."

"What do you use on your skin? It's perfect."

Magnus smiled, laughing. "Jace's ego down 1, mine, up 2." Magnus took Isabelle's hand. "Come on, I've got exactly what you want." He pulled Isabelle up off the bed and together they walked happily to Magnus' room.

So far Magnus considered this a good day in his book. Alec had told Jace he was gay. Magnus had bonded with Isabelle while Jace and Alec bonded over something with the abbreviation COD-whatever that was-and now all that was left was dinner, when Alec told his parents. And if all went well, then it was very good day. Magnus had no doubts that it wouldn't go well. He had faith in Alec and he had belief that Alec's parents would accept their son for who he was. Magnus could only hope that they would because he wouldn't be able to stand Alec's heart getting broken. He knew what it felt like to be rejected and he never wanted to see the same look in Alec's eyes as he saw in his own each time he looked in the mirror.

* * *

Alec, Magnus, Jace, Isabelle, Maryse, and Robert all sat in the living room, creating small talk. The atmosphere was friendly, calm, as it always was when their family just sat down to talk. Alec's parents had made a thing of it that they sat down as a family to talk at least once a week. Sometimes they didn't really talk but sat and read a material of their choice, which, in Jace's case, was always the back of his eyelids. Nonetheless, it was family bonding time. A family bonding time that Max always expertly skipped out on. Alec was actually glad Max wasn't there. Max was young and Alec didn't think he'd quite understand what Alec was going to say. He knew he should give the kid credit but it was just easier at this moment that he didn't have Max asking questions.

He planned on telling his parents. He had had opportune time over the last hour to do it but he just hadn't been able to yet. The words were like cement coating the walls of his throat, seizing his vocal chords. Every time the thought occurred in his head to tell them, the words were lost on his tongue and he couldn't do anything to grab onto them.

He was fighting with himself. He wanted to tell them so desperately, Magnus' words about him being ready and that he'd get the courage when he needed it repeating through his head. He felt ready, but there was no courage inside of him. At that moment, the closet doors were closed, and they were closed tight. He was hiding from saying those words, hiding yet again from his fear that his parents would reject them. Looking around him, he saw two people who accepted him and said they loved him no matter what. He smiled at the thought that he at least had them.

But it was so much different when it came down to his parents. It was a child's job to impress their parents-to get that A+ on their report card, to score the winning goal, or to win the spelling bee. It was the biggest let down to disappoint your parents and in a way, a child never forgives themselves when they do disappoint a parent. So it was Alec who was seven years old again, playing that first soccer game where it was up to him to score that final goal. He had to make his parents happy. He was so scared that if he didn't they would hate him for messing up. He would just be a letdown. He was scared yet again, scared of disappointing them, of making them hate him for his actions. He was scared he wouldn't live up to everything his parents wanted him to be.

Alec looked over at Magnus. They were seated on opposite ends of the couch, a reasonable distance for friends to sit away from each other. He didn't want that, but in order to change it, he knew what he had to do.

"Alec? Alec?"

"Hmm?" Alec looked up at his father who was trying to get his attention.

"Are you okay son? You look like you're zoning out."

"Oh, no. Just thinking."

"Anything important?"

Should he say no? If he said no then he was just delaying telling them, and the longer he delayed it, the harder it would be. But it would just be so much easier for him to say no and not tell them. Then he wouldn't have to face it. But he had to face the truth. He had to do it for himself…for Magnus. He had to tell them. This was who he was and he couldn't deny that any longer.

"Yes, actually." Alec caught Isabelle look up from the nail she was examining and Jace perked up from his position on the couch, his eyes opening for the first time in 30 minutes. Alec was actually really glad they were there. Between them and Magnus, he had all the support he needed. He felt like maybe he should have done it when no one else was in the room but it was at that moment that he felt like he had to do it. It was at that moment that he was finding his courage.

"What is it?" Maryse asked, shifting in her seat to turn her attention to her son. Alec caught a flicker of anticipation in Maryse's eyes before they went blank, Maryse's protection mechanism kicking in as it always did when serious conversations were about to start. Alec just wished that for once the mechanism was broken because he knew he wouldn't see a reaction from his mother. He knew she would be blank.

"I need to tell you two something." There was no turning back now. He was running head first into telling them and there was no stopping, even if he tried. This was that moment he had dreamed about his whole life. That moment where he let himself be free and revealed the truth. Alec's heart beat frantically in his chest. Alec took a deep breath, trying to grab onto his courage. He looked at Magnus and told himself that he was doing it for him. He wanted to give this to Magnus. He knew he should be doing it for himself, but if it weren't for Magnus, he wouldn't have been doing it at all. Magnus was the reason he wanted to come out. Magnus was the reason he didn't want to hide anymore.

Alec took one more breath, letting the air engulf his body in a safety blanket. Then he spoke. "I'm gay." For the second time that day those words slipped from his lips. He couldn't even describe the relief that swept through him with those words, the realization of the weight of what they meant. It felt amazing. The room seemed to fade away from him and all he could think about was what he had just said, what he had just done. Five years of hiding came back to him. Five years of trying to tell them the truth but never finding the courage to be true to himself. Five years of hating himself and running from who he was fell onto his shoulders, playing back in his mind. At the same time that the weight of the moment pushed him down, it also enlightened him, lifting him up higher than he'd ever been before.

Alec searched his parent's faces. With the beautiful realization of telling them the truth came the crashing force of the fear of what they would say. Their faces were blank, his mother's more emotionless and blank than it normally was. Even in their eyes Alec couldn't distinguish anything. Nothing. There wasn't love or hate or anything at all that would give Alec any hint to their reaction. They were just silent, statues of their former beings. The silence was killing Alec. He just wanted something. He needed to know what they thought. He couldn't deal with this suffocation that was draining all the hope from his body. He didn't know if he was supposed to think the silence was good or bad. He hadn't really expected them to smile and jump and say they loved him, but he had expected them to say something. They had to say something. He needed to know. If they didn't love him anymore the quicker he knew, the better.

"Guys, please say something."

"Are you two together?" It was Robert who spoke, his eyes darting slightly to Magnus and back to his son. Always so quiet in serious matters, leaving the talking to his wife, it was he who spoke first, filling the silence that Maryse's absent words has created.

"We are." Alec took Magnus' hand in his, making it the first time he had ever shown affection with Magnus in front of people. The feeling lifted Alec's heart. He didn't know that it would feel this good, this enlightening and beautiful. He was finally showing someone in the world that Magnus was his, that he was gay, and for once, he didn't care. He wasn't scared.

"How long?"

"A few months." The waiting was killing Alec. He didn't like these questions. He needed to know if they were okay with it. He needed to know if they still loved him even though he was gay. He looked at his mother. Her gaze was blank, her eyes a cold, stormy blue that seemed to look deep into Alec's soul. Nothing changed on her face, not even a twitch or a pass of emotion that gave Alec anything. Even Robert was blank. His voice told Alec nothing, his features, nothing. But Alec took that he had spoken words that weren't words of dejection as a good sign.

Robert nodded, taking in a deep breath. Slowly his face changed, slipping into one more soft, more… understanding. He looked up at his son, meeting Alec's eyes. Alec's heart soared at that moment because he didn't see hate. His father was never really easy to read most times, but Alec felt like he could read him at that moment. He felt like he was seeing a part of his father he'd never seen before.

"I'm glad you told us Alec." He looked briefly at his wife who was still speechless, before looking back at Alec and Magnus. A small reassuring smile crept across his face. "As long as you're happy, we're okay."

Alec let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. He wanted to laugh, the same way he had laughed when he had told Jace. It was an euphoric laugh, a laugh that filled him up with a happiness so bright it was blinding. So it wasn't a fairytale event where they both hugged him and said they loved him and all that other stuff that was for fantasies, but it was enough for Alec. Robert was okay with it. Or at least that's what Alec got from him. If he wasn't he would have said so, right?

But his mother hadn't said anything. Actually, she hadn't even moved or breathed in the last few minutes. It was killing Alec. He didn't like this reaction. It was exactly what he had been afraid of. Exactly what Alec was so worried would happen. But he was still happy. He had said it and there was no going back now. The truth was out and it was so beautiful.

"Thank you Dad."

Robert nodded, looking at his wife. "Maryse?" He moved to touch her but she flinched away, her gaze still unwavering.

"I need some time." She stood up quickly, clearing the room in a few strides. The room was left in an awkward silence, the smile that had decorated Isabelle's face disappearing just as fast as his mother.

Alec watched her disappear, his heart breaking. This was what he had feared, what he was so scared would happen. She didn't accept him. She didn't like what he was, she hated him for it. She couldn't even look him in the eyes. His own mother. Alec just wanted her to love him for who he was, for everything. But he knew now that that had been wishful thinking.

Robert looked from the empty spot his wife had previously occupied back to his son. "Alec, I'm sorry. That wasn't what you wanted."

"No." The word choked out, about as broken as his heart was. She had rejected him. Well, she hadn't flat out said it, but her leaving spoke loud enough to Alec. It spoke rejection just as loud as if she had yelled it at him.

Alec felt Magnus squeeze his hand harder, offering the only reassurance Alec knew he could at that moment. But it didn't faze him. He was too focused on the image of his mother's eyes. So cold. So distant. He just wanted to see love in them, but he saw nothing. A blue, dark nothing.

"Alec, I'll tell you honestly. This will be an adjustment. It's not every day your son tells you he's gay. Your mother, she will need time, but she will grow to be okay with it. You're our son Alec, and we will love you no matter what. I'll tell you honestly that I don't really know what this means, but I will try to understand because you are my son. Your mother, well… I'll talk to her and I will make her remember that you're her son too."

"Thanks Dad." Alec averted his gaze from his father's face. He just wanted to run and hide. He felt so embarrassed, so exposed. He was so ashamed of what he was at that moment. Here, everyone who mattered to him was looking at him in the most vulnerable state he'd ever been in. He had just bared his heart to the world in a way he'd never done before. He had bared it, and placed it there in plain site, to be broken.

Robert stood up, crossing the room to Alec. He placed his hands on Alec's shoulders and they eased Alec's soul just a little bit. His father's hands had always been a reassuring figment of Alec's life. Always there to help him up, to teach him, to hold him. Alec looked up at his father slowly, catching a smile on his face that told Alec that at least his father still loved him.

"I'm proud of you son. And you don't forget that." He squeezed Alec's shoulder. He looked at Magnus, his gaze turning steely. "You take care of him."

"I will sir."

Robert dropped his hands. "Let me talk to your mother. It'll be okay Alec. I promise." And with that he left, following his wife.

Alec slumped, letting out a breath. He felt Magnus' arm slip around his shoulders but he barely registered it until Magnus spoke and his voice broke through Alec's thoughts.

"Alec, are you okay?"

Alec couldn't find his voice. He sensed Isabelle and Jace leave the room to leave Magnus and Alec alone. He couldn't bring himself to look at Magnus. He just felt so lost in that moment. He had always been searching for acceptance from people and because he had hid who he was, he never had to face what it would feel like to not be accepted, but now he had faced it. He had faced it head on and it hurt like hell.

"Alec, baby, answer me."

Underneath everything he felt about his mother and his father and his own self-loathing, he suddenly remembered Magnus and all the beautiful things he felt for him. He remembered the one person who accepted him, the one person who was a constant in his life. Magnus was a light beneath all the darkness of Alec's fears, leading him slowly along the narrow winding road that Alec had countless times gotten lost on. Magnus was a comfort, everything Alec needed. Magnus was worth not being accepted for. As much as it hurt to see his mother leave, he knew that he had finally admitted to himself, and to his parents, that he was gay and that he was with Magnus. That he had the most amazing person in the world, and that he was his.

Alec looked up at Magnus, locking his eyes with Magnus' green ones. He let himself get lost in the swirling of his irises, falling ever deeper into the light that was Magnus.

Magnus smiled lightly, trying to comfort Alec. "You did it baby. You did it." Magnus moved his hand to brush a stray strand of Alec's hair behind his ear, leaving his hand to linger on the side of Alec's face. He traced his thumb over Alec's skin, massaging soft and reassuring circles.

Alec took a deep, shaky breath. "I did, didn't I?"

Magnus smiled. "You did. I'm proud of you. I know how hard that was."

"Yeah." Alec bit his lip, biting harder than normal because he just wanted to feel a pain that wasn't in his heart. A pain that he knew would go away eventually. What if Robert couldn't convince Maryse to accept him? What if she continued to need time and in that time decided she didn't love Alec anymore? Alec told himself not to think about it but he couldn't stop himself. "But my mom… she… it was what I was afraid of."

"I know Alec, I know. And I wish it hadn't have been that way for you. But she'll come around Alec, she will."

"How do you know Magnus? I saw the way she looked. She hates me." He just wanted to cry. He wanted to run and just cry. He wanted to let the pain out and just let it overtake him instead of bottling it up in his heart where it was now ripping him apart. He felt so numb yet so alive with pain at the same time.

"No, Alec. I know what hate looks like and that's not it. That's a mother who needs time to figure out what it means about her son being gay. Give her time Alec. You've had five years to come to terms with who you are. She's had 10 minutes. Give her some time before you think she hates you." Magnus' words were soft, a whisper in the large room. They seeped through every inch of Alec, pushing away some of the pain.

"How are you always so right?" Alec let go of his lip now that he'd weathered a permanent dent into it.

"I'd tell you a bunch of reasons to inflate my ego, but now's not the time for that." Magnus used his hand to tilt Alec's head so that their eyes were directly in line with each other and Alec's eyes moved to look down and avert Magnus' gaze. "Just give her time. Can you do that Alec? For her? But more importantly for yourself?"

"Yeah, I can do it."

"Good. Now smile. Frowns aren't an appealing colour on you. Well, neither is any colour you wear." Magnus' mouth formed a small pout that Alec couldn't help but smile at. "There we go. There's the Alec I know. Brave, beautiful, and amazing."

"I'm not those things."

"Babe, you're those things and a million more." Magnus placed a soft kiss to Alec's lips, pulling away slightly so that their foreheads touched. A few seconds passed between them.

"Magnus?"

"Yes, love?"

"I love you." The words slipped from his lips just as fast as he had thought them. But as he spoke them, he didn't regret them. That day had grown to be a day of telling people things, things he had never told anyone else. And in this instance, what he had just told Magnus, was something he'd never actually told himself. The words just came to him. So quickly but so beautifully, they lit Alec up, numbing all the pain and replacing Alec with a light so bright and blinding that he was lost in it.

He loved Magnus. Who would have ever thought he'd feel that way? Who would have ever thought he'd say that out loud without any preparation, without any thought? It was spontaneous. Not just the words, but the sudden realization that he loved Magnus. He had never felt this way for anyone in his life. Magnus was everything to him. Magnus was his friend, his comfort, his light… his love. God, it was beautiful. He had been so afraid of being with a man and now he was with one and he wasn't even afraid of loving him. Instead, he embraced those words and those feelings with open arms, letting them overtake his body and his heart. He ran head first into them, letting them become everything that he was.

He realized that Magnus was all he needed. With Magnus he was happy every second of his day. He was himself and he felt complete. With Magnus he had a road beneath his feet, a direction to follow, and a reason to follow it. With Magnus he felt like he had meaning, like he was alive. There was so much Alec had run from his entire life and Magnus had given him all that back. He had shown him what it meant to love himself and to not be afraid. He owed the world to him and Magnus had shown him what it meant to love.

Magnus pulled away. "Alec… I…"

Alec searched Magnus' eyes. For once he couldn't read them. There was nothing but a cold reminder of what they used to be. Magnus had grown closed off, nothing giving anything away to what he was feeling. Alec didn't like this; cold and blank never boded well. Alec had learned that just twenty minutes prior.

"I love you Magnus." He said it again, hoping to get a different reaction from Magnus, but he got nothing. This wasn't good. This wasn't what he wanted. He hadn't been afraid when he had said it but he was afraid now. Had he messed it up? Magnus didn't feel the same way, that was why he wasn't answering. It had to be. Alec felt his heart break for the second time that night at the realization that he had just said something that he probably shouldn't have said. He knew he shouldn't regret saying 'I love you' but the blank look he received from Magnus was enough to make him regret saying it. He wanted something from Magnus, something more than this.

"I… Alec…" He was at a loss for words, something Magnus was never at a loss for. But Alec got the hint. Maybe some things were just better left unsaid.

"I get it. I'm sorry." Alec removed his hand from Magnus', feeling another pain rip through him as he lost the feel of Magnus' skin against his own. Alec stood up. "Good night Magnus. Thank you for everything." He looked down at Magnus who was still void of any emotion. Alec took a deep breath before turning away from him and walking away.

The pain that ripped through him as he walked away was unimaginable. He felt his knees grow weak beneath him but he knew he had to get to his room. He felt so lost, so broken and disoriented within his own body. He knew now what a broken heart felt like. It was the sort of pain that made each step unbearable, each breath hard to breathe. It was the sort of pain that rippled to every part of your body, straight from that central place in your chest. It was the kind of pain that broke apart every thought and every fibre of your being, leaving you hollow and empty without any compass to guide you.

Alec climbed the stairs to the second story, replaying the events of the last thirty minutes in his head. He had told his parents he was gay and gotten acceptance from his father while getting ignored and pretty much rejected by his mother. Then he had blindly told his boyfriend that he loved him and received nothing. Not an 'I love you too'. Not an 'I don't feel the same way'. Not even a facial expression. All he got was too staggered, meaningless words. He knew he had taken Magnus by surprise but he expected at least _something_. He needed at least something.

Alec opened the door to his room, closing it quickly behind him. He let his knees give out beneath him as his back slid down the cold wood of the door. As he hit the floor, so did the first of his tears. They slid down his skin, reflecting back at him his pain in tiny sparkling fragments. Alec couldn't remember the last time he had cried. The last time he had shed tears about being gay was when he first really realized he was. Ever since then, he had sworn he wouldn't cry again. But as the weight of everything came crashing down around him, he couldn't do anything but cry. He felt like he had lost everything in the course of an hour. He knew he hadn't really, that all the answers he had received were not real answers, but still, he felt like he had lost them.

Why hadn't his mother looked at him? Why hadn't she said something to him? Why hadn't Magnus said something back to at least give Alec an answer? He just wanted something. He was tired of having nothing, of having cold blank faces, and emotionless words. He just wanted somebody to give him something. To tell him it was okay. He just wanted someone to love him.

Alec wiped the tears from his face, trying hard to stop them from coming. But he couldn't. They were shed straight from his heart, a place Alec couldn't touch to make them stop. He wasn't really sure how long he sat there, letting the tears fall, enveloped in the pain. All he knew was that he was numb, he was cold, and he wanted to take that day back. That, or do it over.

He wanted his mother to accept him.

And he wanted Magnus to say he loved him.

Was that too much to ask for?

* * *

Alright, so to quote my lovely beta, I want to give Alec a hug really bad for like a week. Straight. Alec finally spills his whole heart and gets it broken. Twice. I hated doing that to him but it won't be bad forever, I promise. I can be cruel to characters, but not that cruel. Anyway, what did you guys think? The issues in this chapter will be solved in the next, I promise. I will try to get that up as quick as possible. It's all outlined in my head so now I just have to get it onto my computer. So, please leave a review. Let me know what you think because I absolutely love hearing from all of you. Thanks for reading! Until next time my lovely readers!

Be the change,  
Amber


	20. Unloved

Chapter 20

Unloved

* * *

Hello my lovely readers! Yes I'm back, two days after my last update. Does that surprise anyone? I know it surprised me. This never happens. But the creative juices were really flowing and who was I to deny them a place to go? You can also thank my beta for getting it back to me as quick as she did. She is amazing. She knows that already but i'll say it again.

Anyway, thanks for all the lovely lovely reviews from the last chapter. I'm so glad you all liked it and it came out okay. But now, on to the next chapter. I really like this one so I hope you guys all like it too. Thanks for reading. Enjoy!

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Songs:

Brave (Piano version)-Gavin Mikhail (Magnus to Alec/Alec to Magnus. I absolutely love this song for them. It's all about being proud and brave, two things that both of our boys need to be. I almost feel like it's a theme song for both of them to the other. If you want to listen to it you'll probably have to go to Youtube to get it. Just look him up and watch the video where he's playing the piano. I don't really like the other version as much and the piano one is the one that holds the needed emotion.)

For Nancy-Gavin Creel (Alec to Maryse-So I cried when I first listened to this song. It's absolutely beautiful and not only is Gavin Creel amazing, but this song is so perfectly written and the emotion is amazing. It's on Youtube so please take the time to at least listen to it. It's beautiful.)

These Four Walls-Gavin Creel (Okay, I'm using him again but that's because I absolutely love him and these songs are perfect for what I think in this chapter. Listen to the words and think of Magnus and Alec and their secret and how it plays with their relationship. This song's just beautiful. Enough said.)

* * *

Magnus stood at the door to Alec's bedroom, having an inner battle with himself to knock on the door. A part of him wanted to knock, to have Alec answer and then apologize for the night before and say he loved him too, but the other part of Magnus couldn't do it. Alec had caught Magnus off guard the night before. He had been so proud of Alec for telling his parents and so ripped apart inside at Alec's mother's reaction that he had in no way been expecting Alec's words. He was not at all prepared, and those words… they were just too much.

Magnus had both feared and anticipated the day that Alec would tell him he loved him. He had heard 'I love you' before. His mother had told him and he knew she meant it. Camille had told him but thwy had been empty words. William had told him, and when he did, Magnus ran away. He either ran from or lost the people who loved him; it was the story of his life. He didn't want to run from Alec and he didn't want to lose him, but running would mean just that. He had literally spent most of his life running away from love ever since the moment he had lost it. Magnus was afraid of love, afraid of letting his heart feel again and then having it broken and ripped apart. He had the feeling that Alec wouldn't hurt him, the boy had even promised he wouldn't, but Magnus couldn't just get over his fear that easily. It was so easy for him to just run, to hide and never face the truth of his life. But now he had to. He had to face Alec. He had to face the fact that someone said they loved him.

He had to face the fact that he loved Alec too.

Magnus didn't answer Alec because he didn't feel the same way, but because his fear gripped him in that moment so hard that he couldn't think of how to word how he felt. It had been so long that he didn't know how to love anymore. He was so afraid of making a mistake by not saying it right or at the right time. He was so afraid of love.

When Alec voiced those three words, everything Magnus had been hiding from found him. And with that, the last remnants of the walls around his heart broke down. Now they were just rubble, pitiful remains of the guard that once stood around his heart. But with the falling of those walls came the ability for someone to enter his heart. Alec had been that person from the very beginning, the person who broke the walls down. Now he was in and he had Magnus' heart completely. He wanted to say it out loud so badly, but he just couldn't. He wanted to tell Alec that he loved him but he was afraid. He knew he shouldn't be afraid anymore, that for once the person he loved really loved him back, so there was nothing to run from. There was only something to run to.

Yet, Magnus still couldn't bring himself to knock. He didn't want to see that look in Alec's eyes again; that look of complete heartbreak and utter disappointment. He hated knowing he had caused that look in those beautiful eyes that he had grown to know so well. He hated that he had caused Alec pain. Alec had promised to never hurt him and he should have made him that same promise. But then again, it's a good thing he didn't because he couldn't keep his promises. One way or another, he always hurt the people who loved him.

Magnus raised his hand to knock, but couldn't bring his knuckles to rap the wood. He wanted to but he just couldn't bring himself to do it. Magnus sighed, dropping his hand to lay useless at his side. He turned, heading away from Alec's room. It hurt him with each and every step but he just couldn't do it. He couldn't face Alec yet.

He stopped at Isabelle's door, this time bringing himself to knock on the wood. The door flew open quickly, a very happy Isabelle on the other side. When she saw Magnus her face fell. God, was it that obvious that he was extremely depressed? Apparently.

"Magnus? Are you okay?"

"No Izzy, not really."

"Well come in." Isabelle got out of the way as Magnus walked inside. He moved to Isabelle's bed, sitting down tentatively on the edge. He didn't know why he went to Isabelle since he really did need to go to Alec, but he needed someone to talk to. He knew Isabelle was Alec's sister and that wasn't exactly the best person to talk to, but Isabelle herself was who Magnus needed. Not Alec's sister. He just needed advice, someone to help him in something he would actually admit he knew nothing about. Ask Magnus about anything else and he knew the answer, but ask him about love and he knew nothing.

"Magnus, what's wrong?"

"I need your advice. But as a friend, not as Alec's sister."

"Sure, what's up?"

Magnus sighed. Well, might as well just say it and get it over with. "Your brother told me he loved me."

The squeal that left Isabelle's lips was ear shattering. "Oh my God Magnus, that's amazing!"

"Not really."

"Huh?" The happiness she had possessed earlier dissipated just as quickly as it had materialized.

"I didn't say it back Isabelle."

"Goddamn it. Of course you didn't." Isabelle crossed the room, sitting down next to Magnus on the bed. "What is it with you two and not saying things back to each other?"

"Excuse me?" Magnus looked at Isabelle questionably.

"Every time one of you is mad at the other it's because they didn't say something back. Last time you fought, you told him how much you wanted him and he just stood there and did nothing. Now he tells you he loves you and you say nothing. God, you two are complete idiots."

"I came here for friendly advice Izzy not to have someone joke about my intelligence."

Isabelle sighed. "I'm sorry. But I meant it Magnus. Why didn't you say it back to him?"

Magnus looked down at his hands, averting Isabelle's gaze. Wow, was this ever a bad idea. Telling her why he didn't say it back meant telling her about his fear, a fear no one else knew. He'd never admitted it out loud, not even to himself. So how was he supposed to explain to Isabelle why he didn't tell her brother that he loved him? How was she supposed to understand?

"Because I couldn't."

"Well isn't that a bullshit excuse. Magnus if you don't love him just tell him and let the boy down easily. It's better than leaving him hanging, because then you're just a dick."

"Izzy, please." Magnus didn't know what to do. Of course she'd react as the sister and not as the friend. He knew this was a bad idea.

"I assure you that that was friend. If it was sister I would have bitch slapped your stupid ass by now."

Magnus smiled, laughing softly as he caught the smile that crossed Isabelle's face too. "That's nice to know." Magnus fiddled absentmindedly with his fingers, peeling off a recently applied layer of nail polish. "Izzy, do you think I'm a coward?"

"Magnus, why the hell would I think that?

"Because I do love Alec and yet I still couldn't tell him that."

"Oh." A few seconds passed between them. "Well why didn't you tell him?"

Magnus took a deep, shaky breath. What the hell? Might as well say it, let it all out. He was so done with the inner fight he was having with himself. He saw the relief in Alec's eyes when he let out what he'd always wanted to say, so if Alec could do it Magnus could do it. Besides, it's not like what he had to admit even touched the mountain of stuff Alec admitted last night. "Because I'm afraid of love."

"Well that's just fucking stupid."

Magnus looked up at Isabelle incredulously. "I'm sorry?" The nonchalant manner in which Isabelle replied to his fear caught him off guard. Only Isabelle would reply so simply to something so important.

"How can you be afraid of love Magnus?"

"I don't know Isabelle, it's just something that's always been a part of me. My mother was the last person I ever truly loved and I lost her." Magnus paused, thinking. "When my last boyfriend told me he loved me I ran. I got scared and I left."

"You're not going to do that to Alec are you?" A fire lit in Isabelle's eyes.

"No Isabelle. I don't plan to. I love your brother. With William, I wasn't just scared, I didn't love him back. But Alec, he's taught me what it feels like to love again. I don't want to be scared Izzy."

"Then don't be. Love is so beautiful. What's so scary about having somebody who knows every single part of you but loves you anyway? What's so scary about having someone who will hold you and listen to you and see you for you? Don't be scared Magnus. You've got something here so don't fuck it up by being a coward. You're afraid of being hurt by loving Alec, but you're just hurting yourself by running. And you're hurting him."

"Since when did you become such an expert on love?"

"Since my brother and his boyfriend became shitty at it." They both laughed as Magnus finally brought himself to look at her. "Look Magnus, I've never seen my brother happier then when he's with you. And I know you had a hand in him coming out and I am so grateful for that. You're the best thing to ever happen to my brother, and I know he meant it when he said he loved you. You're not a coward Magnus, until you run from it forever. It's okay to be afraid of love, to be afraid of getting hurt. But you've got to take that chance, or you will regret it forever. Run after my brother and tell him you love him or I will become his sister instead of your friend, and you don't want to see that."

"Are you blackmailing me to tell your brother I love him?"

"Only slightly prodding you in the right direction."

Magnus laughed. "Thank-you Isabelle."

"That's what I'm here for. Isabelle Lightwood, open to supply love advice in everyone else's life but her own."

Magnus caught a change in Isabelle's voice in that last part, despite the joking manner in which she spoke. "Isabelle, what's going on?"

It was Isabelle's turn to advert her gaze to her perfectly manicured nails. "It's Simon."

"Band-geek-who's-in-major-need-of-a-haircut Simon?"

"Yeah, that one."

"Do you like him?" Magnus teased.

Isabelle groaned. "Is it that obvious?"

"'Love advice in everyone else's life but her own.'" Magnus repeated as if to make his point. "Someone's crushing on the band geek." Magnus pushed Isabelle playfully in the side. "And yet there appears to be a problem. Does he not like you back?"

"Yeah he likes me back. You know that date I had last night? Well, he kissed me."

If Isabelle had said that with any more enthusiasm Magnus would have squealed in excitement with her, but Isabelle's apparent mood didn't warrant that. "And this is a bad thing?"

"Yes...No." Isabelle threw her head in her hands in frustration. "I don't know what to do. I like him Magnus. I like him a lot."

"Then why are you confused about it? I don't see a problem with any of this."

Isabelle sighed, removing her head from her hands as she looked at Magnus. "Can I tell you something?"

"Seeing as this week's been the week for telling people things, shoot."

"I've never actually had a boyfriend." Magnus felt his jaw drop at that statement, but he quickly recovered. "Okay, now don't say anything. See, I've had flings, I've been on dates, and I've been with men, but I've never actually had a boyfriend that lasted more than like a week and was anything more than physical. I want a serious relationship with Simon. I never thought I'd be saying that, but I do. And you see, I'm scared of messing up. I don't know how to do the whole serious boyfriend thing. Simon means a lot to me, and I don't want to mess it up."

Magnus smiled, placing a hand on Isabelle's to calm her fidgeting. "Darling, I'll bet all the money I have that that boy has never had a girlfriend before or even has the slightest idea of what to do with one. Now take your own advice and take a chance. If you care about him as much as you say you do then there isn't anything wrong with taking that chance."

Isabelle smiled lightly. "And if I make a mistake?"

"That's a relationship sweetheart. There's no running away from making mistakes. Now chipper up. Frowns look terrible on you Lightwood siblings."

Isabelle laughed. "Thanks Magnus."

"No, thank you." Magnus stood up. "Now I have to go. I have a certain blue eyed angel that I need to say 'I love you' to." He started for the door, spotting Isabelle's cell phone on her dresser. He picked it up throwing it at her. "Call him. Or else."

"'Or else'? Is that blackmail?" Isabelle caught the phone as she looked at Magnus.

"Think of it as slight prodding in the right direction."

"I hate you."

"Say that with more meaning and I might just believe you."

"Oh, shut up."

Magnus grinned. "Love you."

"Whatever."

Magnus laughed as he left the room to go find Alec. Seeing Isabelle had turned out to be a good idea after all. She was able to help him and in the end, he was able to help her solve her own problems too. Now he just hoped he would be able to fix his problem with Alec.

* * *

Alec walked down the hallway for the library, his mind wandering aimlessly back and forth between his parents and Magnus. He couldn't seem to shake either of the looks he had seen in their eyes. His mother's were so cold, emotionless, not even blinking in their frozen blue state. Magnus' weren't anything. They were just blank, so blank that Alec couldn't get a single thing from them. Yet he knew that behind them, Magnus was having some sort of inner battle. That's what always happened when his eyes were blank. Alec could always pinpoint some emotion in them, except for when Magnus himself didn't know what emotions he was feeling. Alec didn't take that as a good sign.

Alec had cried himself to sleep that night, and that sleep had been short lived and restless. Instead of dreams, he just kept replaying the night in his head like a broken record, cycling over and over with no end.

Alec felt terrible. He felt lost and alone in some foreign world that was so unlike what it had been. He felt like he had lost everything that had held him down to Earth. His mother, the woman who nurtured him and raised him, now hated him for what he had grown to be. His boyfriend, the man who was everything to Alec, hadn't been able to reply when Alec said he loved him. He knew now that he was right in never opening his mouth to tell people things. The running and the hiding felt so much better than the feeling of having his heart ripped apart and stripped naked for the world to see. He was so stupid to think everything would be okay. He was so stupid to have believed Magnus when he said it would all work out and life would be better. It wasn't better. It was terrible and Alec wanted to run far far away from it. He wanted to run away from what he'd said to his parents, from his proclamation to Magnus, and from those dead blank eyes that told him nothing.

His heart had never felt this broken. It felt like someone had run it over with a train, thrown it in a blender, and then tried to stitch it back together again. He'd done everything Magnus had asked him to do. He had come out to his family and he had told them about Magnus. That was what Magnus had wanted and Alec thought things would be better after that. He had risked everything for Magnus. He had taken that fucking step that Magnus wanted, and where had it left him? Alone. The least Magnus could have done was said something to him instead of just sit there. He could have given him something, an explanation maybe. Alec had done all that for him and Magnus hadn't given him a damn thing. It made Alec feel like it didn't mean anything. He knew that probably wasn't true but it didn't make it hurt any less. He felt like Magnus was asking so much of him and when he got it, Alec got nothing in return. And now, his mother hated him, his heart was in shreds, and life pretty much sucked, to say the least. It was one of those moments in life where you wish you had a remote so you could rewind life and make a different decision. Then he wouldn't have told his mother he was gay and he wouldn't have told Magnus he loved him. He wouldn't have been so stupid to think that things would get better. Life may not have been easy when he was in the closet, but it was much simpler. His mother loved him when he was in the closet, for starters, and his heart wasn't a big pile of chopped up pieces. Alec really wanted to take a page out of Magnus' playbook. Run. Just run from everything, keep it to yourself and it will never cause a problem. Alec wanted to think everything he'd done was right, but it was so hard when his heart regretted each and every second of it.

Alec opened the door to the library, hoping no one would be in it. He always ran to the library when he needed to think about his life and try to figure things out. The books were a reassuring surrounding that Alec knew wouldn't fail him even if the rest of the world did. It was easy for him to lose himself there, and for just a few hours, forget about the pain and the fear that surrounded his life.

Alec looked up to see his mother sitting in the chair Alec normally chose when he read. It overlooked the ground outside and, at the angle it sat, the sunlight always shone perfectly, supplying a warm comfort and no need for a light.

Alec froze when he saw her. He didn't want to talk to her. He couldn't do that yet. Alec tried to back away slowly, hoping his mother hadn't heard him, but she always heard everything. She was a mother with four kids who got into more trouble than they were worth, so nothing got past her.

"Alec, don't leave."

He closed the door behind him, but remained standing where he was.

"Come here." Her voice was quiet, echoing slightly through the vast room.

Alec felt his heart hitch in his chest as he started walking towards her. What was she going to say? She said she'd needed time so had she had that time? Was she ready to lay down her verdict on how she felt about him? Alec honestly prayed she didn't. He wasn't ready yet.

Alec stopped a few feet from his mother.

"Do you remember when Jace first came here?"

Alec nodded, wondering what Jace had to do with anything.

"You were very withdrawn and you hated him. I couldn't figure out why but then you told me it was because you thought I would love him more than you." Maryse smiled slightly at the memory. She looked up at him in that moment and could see evidence that she had been crying. Crying? His mother didn't even have tear ducts. But then again, maybe she was more human than she came off to be. "I told you to never worry about such things because you were my son and I would always love you." She paused. "I made a promise that I would love you no matter what." That part was added with a tinge of sadness that flashed in his mother's eyes. "Do you remember that?"

"Yeah." Alec remembered it very well. It was the first and only time in his life his mother had really shown any emotion.

"I've never broken a promise to any of you kids." Maryse paused, taking in a deep breath. She appeared to fighting with herself, choosing her words carefully. She stood up, turning to look at her son. "But last night I broke that promise to you. I let you down when you needed me most and I will never forgive myself for that." Her gaze wavered, something it never did. Today was growing to be a day of seeing Maryse do things she never did. She took another deep breath. "I guess a part of me knew. But I'll admit that that part of me didn't want to believe it. It's easy for me to see you as my little boy, my first born son. I just had this vision of you marrying a woman and having children and I wasn't ready to admit that you weren't that vision. And that was so wrong of me Alec. I'm your mother. I'm supposed to encourage you to be who you want to be and to follow your heart, and when you did, I turned you down. I failed you and I broke my promise. I said I'd love you no matter what, no matter whom you chose to be and no matter whom you chose to love." Maryse paused and Alec remained speechless, letting his mother's words sink in. He had been expecting a denial of him or a 'we'll figure it out' sort of speech, not this. It was so unlike his mother and so unlike anything Alec had expected to hear. He wasn't even sure what to do with himself now, or what to say in response to what she was saying.

"I can't say that this will be easy. I mean, I can't even say I really know what you being gay means. But I will try because I owe it to you to understand. I love you Alec, every part of you and I don't care that you're gay because that is who you are and it doesn't change a thing. You're still my son and I'm sorry I didn't give you what you wanted last night, but I really did need time. I needed to process what this meant and how I felt about it. It was selfish and it hurt you, so I just hope you can forgive me."

"Mom..." Alec didn't know what to say. This was his dream come true of what he wanted her to say. He wanted her to say she loved him and accepted him no matter what, and she did. She admitted she didn't really know what it meant, but Alec understood that. He didn't really expect them to understand, he just wanted them to accept him. This really was the best thing Alec could have asked for. He had been so afraid and after last night, he was even more afraid now. But now, he realized that Magnus was right. He was her son, and so she would love him no matter what. "Thank you." There, that was all he could say. Those words meant everything to him. Alec felt a few tears coming on but forced them back. He'd done enough crying already and he didn't want to cry anymore, even if they were tears of joy.

Maryse nodded. "You're welcome."

"But you're really okay with this? With who I am?" The part of Alec that was still in disbelief was the part that asked that question. He just needed to hear it again. He needed to hear that acceptance one more time just to know that this wasn't a very realistic dream.

"I'm okay with it. I'm sorry that I wasn't last night. That wasn't what you wanted."

"No, it wasn't. It hurt Mom. I was so afraid of telling you and Dad because I was afraid you'd hate me."

"Alec, we'd never hate you." He caught his mother falter and could almost swear a tear glittered at the corner of her eye.

"I didn't know that. I thought you two wouldn't accept me for who I was, that I would disappoint you." He let the words tumble out. She needed to know how he felt. She needed to know how hard it was for him to tell her, for him to muster up the courage to face their decision. She needed to know how much it hurt.

"Alec, you could never disappoint us, you know that."

"No I didn't Mom. My whole life I've always done things to make you and Dad happy, always trying to live up to this vision I thought you guys had of me."

"Alec..."

"I've never done anything that disappointed you two before. I've just always done what I thought that you two would think was okay. I didn't think being gay was okay. I didn't think it fit what you wanted of me. I didn't want to let you guys down."

"Oh, Alec." Maryse snapped, pulling Alec into a hug. He had only felt Maryse's arms around him a few times before. Normally, they were half-hearted hugs that didn't really mean anything, but this hug meant everything. The feel of his mother's arms around him calmed his soul. In that hug, that physical connection, Alec finally felt that acceptance. He'd never seen his mother break emotionally, and here she was. He felt a tear seep through his shirt onto his skin and Alec felt his own tears prick at the corners of his eyes, finally falling down his skin. His heart was alight with happiness. He had admitted to his mother everything and she had taken it all with open arms. To put it simply, it felt amazing.

"Alec, you could never let us down. I am so sorry that we ever made you think you had to live up to something." Maryse pulled away, keeping her hands on Alec's biceps. "No matter what you do you will never ever disappoint us. I don't want you to ever feel afraid again Alec. Please."

Alec nodded. "Okay Mom."

"Now tell me, are you happy with Magnus?"

"Very." Alec said, but he himself caught the infliction at the end of the word.

"Alec, what's wrong?"

Alec pulled away from his mother slowly. Okay, there was a point where Alec drew a line at what he wanted to tell his parents. He wasn't so sure he wanted to talk to his mother about his love life, especially when his love life was so new to her.

"It's nothing Mom."

"Alec, I know I've never been easy to say things to. I know you and your siblings go to each other because you don't think you can talk to me. But you can. I'm here."

"Thanks Mom." Alec paused. "But, right now I'd really rather not talk about it."

Maryse nodded. "I understand. Well then, I'll leave you to your books."

"Thanks Mom."

Maryse started to the door, but then stopped. "I love you Alec."

"I love you too Mom."

And with that, she left. Alec let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. That had gone better than expected. He had been so scared when he'd seen his mother in the library but now all his fears were gone. Isabelle and Jace were okay with him, his father was okay, and now his mother was okay with it. All those things he had only dreamt about doing had become reality. And it was such a beautiful reality.

Well, almost completely beautiful.

There was one lingering stain on his almost perfect day and that was Magnus. He hadn't seen Magnus all day, which was due partially to the fact he was purposely avoiding Magnus and the fact that their house was an easy house to ignore people in. Alec didn't know what he'd say to Magnus if he did see him. He was angry at him for not saying it back but then he felt like he had no right to feel angry because maybe Magnus didn't say it because he didn't feel the same way. In that case, Alec was angry at himself for being a complete idiot and letting his heart slip like that. It felt amazing to say that he loved Magnus but it was the polar opposite feeling when Magnus didn't say it back. Maybe Magnus would say it when they did talk. Alec hoped he would.

* * *

Magnus threw on his coat and boats before heading outside. He had seen Alec head outside a few minutes earlier and knew that it was about time he went to talk to him. It was time Alec knew Magnus loved him.

Magnus trudged slowly through the four inches of snow on the ground, following carefully in Alec's smaller footsteps. Magnus wouldn't say he hated winter or snow, he just hated being in it. But Alec was worth it. Magnus followed the footsteps into the forested area around the Lightwood home, coming into a small clearing where, in the centre, stood Alec, snow falling around him. It reminded Magnus of the place they'd been when they'd first kissed, only this time, Magnus was the one following, not Alec.

"This place is beautiful." It was the easiest way to break the silence.

Alec snapped around to face Magnus, his eyes big, bright blue orbs in the white surroundings. Yeah, those eyes beat the wintery forest any day. Magnus caught Alec's eyes waver, and a spark flew in their depths.

"Yeah, it is. What do you want Magnus?"

"I want to talk. About last night."

"There's nothing to talk about."

"Alec, you know that's a lie. You said you loved me."

"And you didn't say it back." Alec's eyes bore into Magnus' soul and he did something he rarely did. He looked saw the pain and heartbreak in Alec's eyes and he couldn't bare it. He felt his own heart shatter in his chest. Alec had been the one to build his heart back up and now Magnus was the one to break it again. He knew how much he hurt Alec and he hated himself for it. He swore he'd always be there for Alec and then when Alec needed something from him, he had failed to give it. But he was afraid and he was going to tell Alec that. He wasn't going to hold back. If Alec could spill his heart as he had, Magnus could too.

"I know." Magnus took a few steps towards Alec. He wanted to hold him, to kiss him, to tell he loved him and never let him go. "Look Alec, this isn't easy for me. I'm not used to feeling this way. I don't know how to feel this way."

"What way?"

"Like... Like I love you." He met Alec's eyes and a few seconds passed between them with nothing but the sound of his racing heart and the falling snow around him. 'I love you'. It felt like the whole world fell out beneath his feet. The words burned at his throat but they felt so amazing. They soothed every aching part of Magnus' soul and reminded him of how beautiful it felt to love someone. His heart burst alive within his chest, racing and beating for the love that he had for Alec.

"You love me?"

Magnus nodded.

"Why didn't you tell me that last night?"

"Because I couldn't."

"You couldn't? What the hell does that mean?"

"It means I was afraid." Magnus took a breath. "I've always been afraid of love Alec."

"Why Magnus?"

"Because everyone I love either leaves me, hurts me, or I hurt them."

"Well I don't plan on leaving you or hurting you."

"Well that doesn't rule out me hurting you." He looked down at the ground, not able to meet Alec's gaze anymore.

"You're scared you're going to hurt me?"

Magnus looked up at Alec. "I always hurt the people I love." He couldn't save his mother. He should have been there, but he wasn't. He was the reason she died, because he couldn't stop his father from hurting her. It was that simple. Magnus was scared that something would happen to Alec and he wouldn't be able to save him. Or even worse, it was like his father said, Magnus would be the one doing the hurting.

"But that's love Magnus. What's the saying? We always hurt the ones we love the most? I know why you're scared. It's because of your mom isn't it?"

Magnus nodded. "She was the last person I loved and I haven't been able to do it since Alec." Magnus paused. "My father always told me that to love was to destroy and that it was pointless to ever fall in love. I've carried those words with me my whole life and I guess I believed him. I let him convince me that love was stupid and all it did was hurt you in the end. So I've spent years running from it because I was scared and it's been easy. So when you said that to me last night, I didn't know what to do. I couldn't run anymore and I couldn't deny what I was finally feeling in my heart. I was scared Alec." Magnus averted his gaze, letting the words tumble out. Alec needed to know it all. Magnus didn't want to hide anymore. "I was scared that once I loved you I would lose you."

"Lose me?" Alec closed the few feet between them, standing just in front of Magnus. He placed a gloved hand on Magnus' chin, lifting it so their gazes met. "Wasn't it you who always told me to not run from what I was afraid of?"

"Yeah."

"You're not very good at taking your own advice are you?" Alec smiled softly and Magnus couldn't help but follow suit.

"No, not really. I sort of fail in that department."

"Magnus Bane, admitting he fails at something. Now that's something I never thought I'd hear," Alec teased.

"Shut up." Magnus bit his lip. "Look Alec, I'm sorry. I know I hurt you." He scoffed, looking away. "See, I was right. I was going to hurt you. This is why..."

"Magnus, shut up and look at me."

Magnus looked up at Alec in surprise.

"I won't lie to you Magnus. When you didn't answer me, it hurt. I said I loved you and I just expected something from you. But I got nothing. I kept thinking I'd ruined everything." Alec paused. "But sometimes we make mistakes, we hurt people, but we move on and we try and fix things if we can." Alec grabbed Magnus' hands, taking them in his. He met Magnus' gaze and Magnus felt a shiver run across his skin. His heart was beating a hundred miles an hour and he was fighting the tears that were breaking at his eyes. "Can you do something for me?"

"Anything."

Alec bit his lip. "You're all about me taking steps with you and I've taken many in these past few days. Now it's your turn."

"My turn?"

"Yes. Take a step with me. I love you Magnus and I will take as many steps with you as you ask me to. Now I'm asking you for this one. Can you take it with me?"

Magnus felt a tear slide down his cheek and he watched as Alec caught it on his finger, wiping it away. Magnus blinked, fighting back the tears and the swelling in his chest. The warmth of Alec's hands in his spread through his body, soothing every fear and worry in his soul. Alec's words seeped in, filling Magnus with a complete sense of happiness and peace that he hadn't felt in years. His heart felt like it was finally beating again. It had always beat to pump blood through his body but now it was beating because Magnus wanted it to. It was beating for Alec.

Magnus looked down at Alec. He was so beautiful standing there, the snow circling his head in a halo. His angel. His beautiful, amazing angel.

Magnus nodded. "Okay."

Alec smiled. "Good." Magnus then caught the tear that slid down Alec's skin, leaving his hand on the side of Alec's face.

Magnus bit his lip; a habit he must have picked up from Alec. "Do you think we can try again?"

"Yeah, that sounds like a great idea." Alec smiled softly, meeting Magnus' gaze. "I love you."

Magnus smiled, letting the feel of those three words wash over him and envelop his senses. It felt amazing. Magnus could have died right then and there and have died a happy man. Here, right in front of him was the best thing in the whole entire world. It was a man to call his own, a man who understood him... a man who loved him. "I love you too." God, did that feel good. The light that sparked in Alec's eyes was enough for Magnus even without Alec having said anything. To know he'd made Alec happy, that he'd stopped hurting him, it was amazing. He never wanted this to end.

It was perfect. Just perfect.

Alec's face lit up as he closed the few inches between their bodies. "Say it again."

"I love you."

Alec smiled as he placed his lips to Magnus', the hot warmth of his lips soothing Magnus's freezing skin. The electric shock that pushed through his veins warmed his whole body, including his heart. Nothing felt cold anymore. Everything inside of him was alive.

Magnus slipped his arms around Alec's waist, pulling him closer, as Alec's arms slipped around his neck. They found their home at the base of Magnus' hairline, his fingers entwining in the hanging strands of his hair as Alec pulled Magnus down closer. This had gone so much better than Magnus had expected. A major part of him had been expecting to be packing his bags and heading back to Idris to spend Christmas by himself. He knew that was dramatic thinking but hey, Magnus Bane had never been known to be reserved and calm. He had been so scared he'd lost Alec. And yet Alec was the one who thought he'd lost Magnus. Magnus found it so adorable that it didn't matter who made the mistake, Alec would always think it was his fault and that he'd done something wrong.

Magnus slipped his tongue over the line between Alec's lips before sliding it into his boyfriend's willing mouth. Magnus smiled against Alec's lips as he elicited a soft moan from Alec. It was unbelievable how much that single sound did to Magnus. Here in Alec's arms, Magnus knew this was right. This was what he'd been searching for his whole life. All the darkness and the crossroads, they all gave away to meaning. They were all there so that one day, he'd find Alec. One day he would have light and one day he would know which road to choose. Alec was his light, leading him down the right road. Alec was everything. Everything he'd ever needed. Everything he'd ever wanted. And he was going to do everything he could to ensure that Alec wasn't like the others. He was going to make sure he never lost him.

Alec pulled away slowly, breathing heavy. His face was flushed its typical colour and Magnus fought the urge to capture Alec's lips once again. Magnus couldn't deny that Alec was absolutely adorable standing there, wrapped up like a baby in his winter wear. The only parts showing were the pale red of his cheeks, the soft lines of his mouth, and the burning innocent blue of his eyes.

Alec smiled, looking up at Magnus. "I don't ever want to get used to this."

"Believe me baby, I won't let you." Magnus smirked and he caught the shift in Alec's face.

"You're thinking of something aren't you?"

"No. Why would you think that?"

"You've got that mischievous glint in your eye. Magnus." Alec said his name with a large hint of warning for Magnus to not do anything.

Magnus shrugged innocently. "You think so little of me. Why would I possibly want to dump a big pile of snow on your beautiful head?"

"What?" Alec's eyes widened in surprise and Magnus took this as his cue. He leaned down, scooping up a large handful of snow that he proceeded to drop over top of his boyfriend's head. The look that crossed Alec's face was priceless and Magnus stayed just long enough to take a lasting mental photo before running away.

"Magnus! I'm going to kill you."

Magnus left the forest, running out into the middle of the Lightwood yard. He turned to see a snow covered and red Alec coming after him with a snowball. Magnus prayed Alec had never played baseball as a child.

Magnus ducked a perfectly aimed snowball just in time to avoid being smacked in the face with it. Yep, Alec had played baseball, and now Magnus had gotten himself involved in a snowball fight with him. Well, at least it was entertaining.

Magnus caught the amused glint in Alec's eyes before running further away from him. He scooped up a snowball quickly, turning around with plans to throw it at Alec. But instead he had Alec throw himself at him. Magnus fell to the ground hard, landing-thankfully-in four inches of soft snow. He felt the breath leave his lungs as he looked up at Alec. He had a mischievous smile on his face that Magnus couldn't help but smile at.

"Throwing yourself at me Alec, really? I'm all for being forward and stuff, but this is sort of for the bedroom, don't you think?" It didn't help that they were completely entangled with each other and Alec's body was only laying about an inch from Magnus'.

"Oh, shut up. Does your mind always have to be in the gutter?"

"Not always. There's a couple minutes in the day when my mind's elsewhere."

"And where is that?"

"On you." Magnus grinned.

Alec rolled his eyes, hitting Magnus playfully.

"Ow. That hurt."

"Suck it up buttercup."

Magnus gasped. "Okay, not only did you throw me down in the snow where my ass is getting really cold and wet, but you also proceed to hit me and tell me to suck it up. Plus you called me a buttercup. I hate buttercups."

"You sound like a child."

"More insults. Is this a relationship or abuse?"

"It's a relationship."

"On your end of the stick maybe. My end of the stick's wet, and cold." He emphasized that last part. He really was freezing. He had worn skinny jeans outside. He hadn't planned on having a snow fight with Alec or getting his ass in the snow, so he hadn't thought to wear anything warmer. The only good thing about his current position was that Alec was on top of him. Magnus had always preferred that position himself, but he was pretty sure he could get used to this.

Alec laughed, placing a soft kiss to Magnus' lips that quickly shut him up. And by quickly, he meant quickly. Alec pulled away just as fast as he had kissed him. He caught a mischievous glint in his eyes, one that he knew all too well in his own eyes. This was not going to be good.

Magnus cringed as Alec dropped two handfuls of snow on his face. Okay, now he knew why Alec was so pissed. It was like being bitch slapped by an iceberg. Magnus swept some of the snow away, spitting out that which had landed in his mouth and hadn't yet melted.

"Really?"

"Yep." Alec laughed as he darted off of Magnus and started running away. "Come and get me buttercup."

Magnus growled as he stood up, clumps of snow falling to the ground. "I'm going to kill you." He started running after Alec and soon they were engrossed in an epic snow ball fight that resulted in more than just Magnus' ass being wet.

It was really nice to do this with Alec. Yeah, they joked around and had fun every once in a while but it had been a while since either of them had just let loose and made complete asses of themselves. It felt amazing and it took Magnus' breath away-not in the 'I just got plowed to the ground by my boyfriend' kind of way, but in the 'this couldn't be a better moment' sort of way. Magnus was happy. He felt alive for the first time in years. He had a man who loved him and understood every single part of him. Magnus couldn't ask for anything more.

Well, except maybe a hot chocolate and his leopard print Snuggy.

* * *

So there you go. Our boys are in love. Can't you just feel the love in the air? I can. And Alec's mom accepted him. I told you things would work out good in the end. Anyway, the next chapter's Christmas, finally. I'm off to work on that now and it will probably be up next weekend. Also, I felt like fooling around with Photoshop and made a wallpaper for this chapter. It's on my profile if you want to check it out.

Anyway, I love you all and you are amazing. Thank you for reading and sticking with me and the boys for 20 chapters so far and over 100 000 words. I have to say, this is officially longer than my novel which i've been working on for two years on and off. Of course it needs a lot of work and some rewriting, but just thought i'd let you guys know that this also the longest thing i've ever written. I'm pretty happy with myself right now. Plus I'm almost at 300 reviews which is so much more than I could ever have asked for. The reception i've received on this story has been so amazing and I never in my wildest dreams thought it would go this far, so thank you, all of you. You guys are amazing and I couldn't do this without every single one of you. Thank you for everything. Until the next chapter!  
Be the change,  
Amber


	21. Unrepressed

Chapter 21

Unrepressed

* * *

Songs:

Brand New Day-Joshua Radin

All I Want For Christmas Is You-Mariah Carey (Magnus' Christmas song to Alec)

Merry Christmas Darling-Glee (Alec and Magnus)

* * *

Magnus fumbled his way as quietly as he could through the Lightwood home. He had already nearly knocked over a vase, run into a table, and fallen down the steps. He was tired, hungry, and Alec's house wasn't made to be easily maneuverable in the light, let alone pitch dark.

Magnus had woken up in the middle of the night with a craving for food, which he had chosen to ignore for an hour. But, after possessing the inability to fall back asleep, he had chosen to get up and get some food from the kitchen. So now here he was, probably looking like a complete idiot as he tried to make his way around.

Magnus knew the main reason why he couldn't sleep. It was Alec. The day they had shared the day before had been magical and just absolutely beautiful. He couldn't stop thinking about it and it just kept playing over and over in his mind, like a broken record that he never wanted to fix. Every movement, every word, every touch was imprinted in Magnus' senses. It was like a dream, a perfect and amazing dream that for days after, you still hate that you had to wake from it. Only, Magnus didn't have to wake from this dream. It would continue to play, uninterrupted and flawless, into Magnus' days.

_I love you._

Magnus couldn't say that there was anything more beautiful then hearing those words. So many people threw those three words around so carelessly, not caring for their meaning or their weight, but Magnus understood. He understood completely how important those three words were and how much they meant. For words so little, they could change so much. They had changed Magnus; someone who believed he would always remain cold and heartless. What he felt for Alec had lit a fire in him, melting all the ice and destroying all the stony walls that caged his heart and soul.

Magnus had always thought that if the day ever came where his heart felt again, he would be scared. But he wasn't scared. He was embracing it with open arms, taking everything that his heart and his life were throwing at him. Alec had changed everything. He had taken his life and flipped it upside down, changing everything Magnus had ever had and believed in. But this new life was brighter, better. He had Alec, who he loved, and who he was going to continue to love with all of his heart. So many years of never feeling anything had lit a fire in Magnus. His heart felt like it didn't have enough to give and that anything he did have, he was going to give it all to Alec. He was going to love Alec and care for him and be everything for him that he had ever wanted. He wasn't going to run from anything anymore but instead he was going to run head first into the love he felt for Alec.

Magnus finally found his way to the kitchen, turning into the large space only to see Jace standing half naked in front of the fridge. Magnus had to admit, he had mixed feelings about the whole Jace thing. Alec had told him it meant nothing and that it was over now because all it ever was was unreasonable infatuation. But Magnus just couldn't shake the whole gravity of the situation. The first man Alec had ever been attracted to had been his adopted brother, and it was only recently that he had shaken those feelings. Of course Magnus believed Alec, but it was the same with him as it was with how Alec felt about William. He knew it was nothing, but still he had a small hint of jealousy over the fact that Jace had had Alec's attention and heart for so many years. A small part of Magnus still felt like there was a possibility Alec's feelings could resurface. Ridiculous, yes, but not entirely unreasonable.

"Couldn't sleep?" Magnus leaned against the doorframe as he looked at Jace. Magnus could see why Alec would be attracted. Jace had the face most guys would kill for, and the face most girls dreamed of. Personally, Magnus couldn't care much for the pretty boy look, but hey, that was just him.

Jace looked up from the fridge. "I was hungry." He took out the milk before he shut the door, walking over to the cupboards. "You?"

"Same." Magnus crossed over to the island as Jace removed a box of Oreo cookies from the cupboard.

"Cookies and milk?"

"Sure."

Jace poured two glasses of milk before moving to sit across from Magnus. He opened the box, taking out a few before passing them to Magnus. They both ate a few cookies in semi-uncomfortable silence. It wasn't that they didn't like each other or anything, although Jace could be extremely annoying to the point that Magnus wanted to strangle him, but they just hadn't had the chance to talk, just the two of them. Magnus had had ample time with Isabelle because they clicked so easily but he and Jace didn't share too much in common, leaving them little to talk about. And now they were eating Oreo cookies in nearly pitch dark, and at three in the morning no less. Magnus figured he might as well start bonding, especially if he planned on being in Alec's life for a very long time.

"Jace..."

"Just tell me what your plans are with him Magnus." Jace was just as quick to jump to the point as he was, he liked that.

"I don't plan on hurting him, if that's what you want to know." Their gazes met, locking in place as an almost electric shock passed in the air between them. The tension was fully present, vibrating through each tiny air particle.

"No one ever plans on hurting people Magnus, but it happens. Sometimes people do things they never intend to do. I just need to know that you're serious with Alec. I don't want to see him get his heart broken Magnus. I'll admit I'm no expert in love, but I see the way he looks at you. Can't say I've been a stranger to it."

Magnus' breath caught in his throat. Shit. He knew. This was not good, not good at all. "You know?"

"Well, I speculated. But between your reaction and Isabelle accidently stating earlier that it was a good thing Alec had moved on, I think it's safe to say I'm right."

"Alec didn't want you to know."

"He didn't want me to know that he cries every time he watches Bambi either, but I do."

"Wait, he cries when he watches Bambi?" Now _that_ he was going to hold over Alec's head until the end of time. It made him wonder what else he didn't know about Alec. He figured he might just have to have a little girl talk with Isabelle.

"Every time the hunter shoots Bambi's mom. It's priceless, really. But, that's beside the point here Magnus. I may act like an idiot sometimes, but I'm not."

"I might dispute that."

Jace glared at Magnus, ignoring the comment. "Look, I know how Alec used to feel for me, and I'll admit, it's weird, but I guess I understand. After seeing everything with him coming out to my parents, and telling me, I can see just how scared he was. I guess I was the safe choice, the way out of facing his fears. I guess I can take it as a compliment really." Magnus rolled his eyes at that comment. Leave it to Jace to find some way to inflate his own ego with something like this. "But I can see that he's gotten over it now. He's found you. And I'm going to say this once, and only once, simply because it's three in the morning, I'm tired, and I'll never be in the condition to say it again since I'm not sure I really like you yet, and come morning, I'll get a bigger thrill out of pissing you off. So here it goes. I'm glad my brother found you. He seems really happy. He's not mopey anymore , which believe me is a damn improvement, and he's joking around, something I didn't even think was programmed in Alec's genes. He just seems so much more alive and I think we all owe that to you. So thank you." The last few words were slightly choked out. Yep, Magnus was pretty sure he was never going to hear those words ever again from Jace's mouth. "Now what do you say we have an Oreo race?"

Magnus looked up at Jace, more than mildly confused from both the question and the change of topic. But he wasn't really surprised with the change of conversation direction. One thing Magnus realized was that Jace wasn't one to drag serious things past the point they needed to be. He said what he needed to say and went on with life, normally with a joke or sarcastic comment. "I'm sorry?" What the hell was an Oreo race?

"An Oreo race?" Magnus shrugged, enforcing the point he had no idea what Jace was talking about. "You've never heard of an Oreo race? Jesus, have you been living under a rock?"

"No, I don't believe so."

Jace laughed. "Okay, first you twist the Oreo apart, and then you lick off the cream and show the other person. Then you dunk it in the milk and eat it. Whoever finishes chewing first wins. Got it?"

"Sounds easy enough." Magnus couldn't help but compare Jace to a five year old child sometimes. Well, that was when he wasn't considering how much of an asshole he was. Maybe it was because it was so early in the morning and neither of them could sleep, but Magnus felt more like a kid then a grown man. Then again, didn't they say it was always good to let loose and be kid every once in a while?

"Alright on 3. 1, 2, 3!"

Magnus twisted his cookie, licked off the cream, showed Jace, dunked it and started chewing. He was about half way done when he got a full shot of Jace's mouth, minus an Oreo cookie.

"I won! But then again, I never lose."

"That can always change. I challenge you to a rematch."

"A rematch? Oh, bring it on."

Both boys laughed as they prepared another cookie. Magnus lost, but to hell with it; he enjoyed himself and he'd bonded with Jace. The man was still an inconsiderate, ridiculous pain in the ass, but he had his good qualities. They weren't as plentiful as Jace's misguided ego led him to believe, but they were there, albeit buried underneath miles of sarcasm, narcissism, and an extreme sense of superiority and self-esteem. But he really wasn't half bad. He cared about Alec, something they had in common, he wanted the best for Alec, and accepted him. It said a lot more about Jace than Magnus had thought when he'd found out he had accepted Alec that easily.

And hey, there weren't many people who could say they'd beat Magnus at something, even if it was a race about who could eat a chocolate and cream cookie drenched in milk the fastest.

* * *

Alec tossed over onto his other side for what had to have been the umpteenth time that night. He couldn't sleep. But like that was any surprise. He hadn't been able to sleep all week. He wanted to say it was just because he was cold but he knew it was so much more than that. He wanted Magnus, and he wanted him bad. He knew it sounded pathetic but he just couldn't sleep without him. He was so used to having Magnus next to him, to having that solid being around him to hold him while he fell asleep. It helped too that Magnus was a human furnace because Alec's body had an internal heating problem and he was always cold. Which was why he was freezing now.

Alec snuggled closer into his blankets, wrapping them around himself. He honestly couldn't get Magnus out of his head. When he was with him, Magnus was all he saw, and when he wasn't with him, Magnus was all he could think about. Magnus had quickly and surely become his life, his everything, and Alec was more than perfectly okay with that. Alec never expected to get much out of romance. He had actually resigned himself at one point to the conclusion he would never get any, but here he was. He had a man who he loved and who loved him back. He was happy and the future had never looked brighter. Everything was perfect, just perfect, and nothing could ruin that.

Alec flinched out of his reverie as his attention sparked to life when he heard the door creak open. He turned over to face the door, catching a glimpse of Magnus' shadow before he closed the door behind him, shutting out any light from the room.

"Magnus, what are you doing?" Alec whispered loudly. They both knew he shouldn't be there. If Alec's parents caught them, they were dead. It was pretty explicitly, and none too gently, expressed by Alec's parents that they weren't to share a room together. But Magnus was never the kind to listen to rules so Alec was just foolish in thinking Magnus would stay in his own room.

"Ow, fuck!" Magnus hissed between his teeth as Alec heard him bump into a table.

"Magnus!" Alec warned. Their house echoed and Alec's father wasn't the deepest of sleepers so the least Magnus could do was keep it down.

"I'm sorry, I didn't exactly know there was a damn table there. Now could you at least turn on a light or do you want me to break something before I get to you?"

"I don't know. It's been quite interesting listening to you manoeuvre my room in the dark so far."

"Haha, real funny Alexander. Now come on, my foot really hurts and I know there's a chair around here somewhere that I am very likely to hit."

"Not so ninja after all, now are you?" Alec teased and he knew, even though he couldn't see it, that Magnus was glaring at him.

"Shut up. Now come on, or do you enjoy leaving me hanging?"

"Oh, like you don't leave me hanging?"

"I would never do such a thing," Magnus said innocently. "Now please?"

Alec sighed, giving in. He leaned over, flipping the switch on his table lamp so that the light illuminated the room. He looked over at Magnus who was partially dressed in black silk pyjama pants that Alec knew he only adorned because he wasn't going to walk down the hallway naked when there were other people in the house. Magnus' arms were outstretched in front of him in the manner of one who was feeling his way through a room and, sure enough, he was about two feet from running face first into Alec's computer chair.

Alec raised an eyebrow at Magnus. "Happy now?"

"Just giddy." Magnus straightened, and Alec caught him flex the toes on his left foot where they had made contact with the desk. He started across the room to Alec.

Alec sat up, moving over to make room on his bed for Magnus. Magnus lifted the covers, sliding his body underneath them and overtop of Alec. Any earlier need that Alec had had to fall asleep dissipated and now all he could think about was the fire that burned inside him with the closeness of their bodies. Every part of Alec's body was suddenly a hot wire, alive and sparking.

"I couldn't sleep." Magnus looked down at Alec, his hair falling in thick black strands around his face. Alec loved it when it was this way-no gel, no colour, nothing.

"I can see that."

Magnus smiled, placing a soft kiss to Alec's lips. "I missed you."

"I can see that too. You taste like Oreos." Alec raised an eyebrow, his comment eliciting a laugh from Magnus.

"I just finished having an Oreo racing competition with your brother."

"Who won?"

"Well me of course."

"My brother never loses." Alec said, in doubt of Magnus' comment.

"There's a first time for everything."

"Uh-huh." Alec rolled his eyes, sighing. "So why were you with Jace?"

"I couldn't sleep. I went downstairs to get some food and Jace was there. We talked, we ate cookies, and he shared some lovely knowledge about you."

And that was all it took. He blushed red, knowing full well the embarrassment that would follow. This was not good. Alec would admit he had some embarrassing quirks, ones only Isabelle and Jace knew about. But of course, with siblings like his, did he really expect anything to stay secret? Isabelle had already embarrassed him enough by digging up the home videos, so what could Jace have possibly said?

"Lovely knowledge huh? What did he say?"

"Oh, nothing."

"Magnus."

"Just stuff. Although I do suddenly have the need to watch Bambi."

"Oh God." Alec turned his head away from Magnus, burying it in his pillows. He was going to kill Jace. It's not like he could help it. It was just so sad, which was why he strayed away from ever watching that movie. But Jace and Isabelle always insisted on it, simply because they would never let him live it down that he cried. Sometimes, he hated having siblings and almost thought life would be easier without them. But then again, he still wouldn't trade them in for anything.

Magnus placed a hand under Alec's chin, lifting his head out of the pillow. Alec looked up at Magnus, meeting his eyes in the dark. "I think it's cute that you cry during Bambi."

"It's embarrassing."

"Everyone has their quirks Alec; even if yours are plentiful," Magnus teased.

"Shut up."

Magnus shrugged. "Okay." He leaned down, placing a kiss to Alec's lips. His hand moved to the back of Alec's neck as he pulled Alec's bottom lip between his teeth, teasing the sensitive skin. Alec moaned against Magnus' mouth, taking in each and every sensation that pulsed through his body. He moved his hands to Magnus' bare sides, pulling him closer against him. Alec was addicted. It was that simple. He felt empty and lost without Magnus near him, but charged and fully alive with even a simple look at Magnus. He was hooked and he never wanted to let go.

Magnus moved away from Alec's lips, placing soft kisses down the line of his jaw and over his collarbone. Alec shivered beneath Magnus as his lips worked their way across Alec's sensitive skin. "You know this is a bad idea right?"

"Kissing you? Since when was that bad?"

Alec laughed. "No. You being here. You could get caught and..." Alec stopped when Magnus placed a finger to his lips.

"Shh. We won't get caught. Your bedroom is at the other end of the house from your parents, Isabelle and Jace understand enough to keep their mouths shut, and Max won't know any better. So I'm staying the night, because it's Christmas morning and you're a lot more appealing to wake up to then that hideous green duvet in the guest room. Is that okay with you?"

"Well, when you put it that way, I guess you can stay."

Magnus smiled, laying another kiss to Alec's lips, before moving off of him to turn off the light and take up a spot next to him. Alec rolled over to face Magnus, their bodies only a few inches apart. Magnus' hand moved to Alec's face, brushing his hair behind his ear, before dropping his hand slowly to entwine with Alec's. He looked down at them both before looking up to meet Alec's eyes.

"Merry Christmas Alec."

"Merry Christmas Magnus."

* * *

"All I want for Christmas is youuuuu, baby!"

Alec groaned, turning over in his bed, covering his ears with his pillow.

"All I want for Christmas is youuuuu, baby!"

"Magnus, shut up!" Alec buried himself deeper underneath the pillow, trying his best to drown out Magnus' singing.

"Come on Alec, it's Christmas! Sing with me baby."

Alec groaned. He hated singing; especially in the morning. He felt the bed shift beneath him as Magnus sat next to him. He held on tighter to the pillow as Magnus tried to tug it away from him. Unfortunately, Magnus was stronger than Alec was at this hour and won out. "I hate you." Even Alec could hear that there was no meaning behind his words.

"Nope, you love me." Magnus placed a soft kiss to Alec's mouth. "Merry Christmas darling."

"Merry Christmas Magnus." Alec looked up at Magnus who was way too chipper for this time of morning. Alec guessed it was a onetime thing simply because it was Christmas.

"Now come on, get up. I want to give you your presents."

"Presents?"

"Yeah, you know, they're typically wrapped in paper with big bows and ribbons on them. They're found under colourful lighted trees.

"Oh, shut up." Alec sat up simply because he knew Magnus wouldn't stop bugging him if he didn't. Alec rubbed his eyes, yawning as he stood up. "Just let me brush my teeth." He moved slowly into the bathroom, leaving a chipper and carol filled Magnus behind. In the process of brushing his teeth, Magnus cycled through partial bits of Jingle Bells, Silent Night, You're A Mean One Mr. Grinch, and some other song Alec didn't know. Alec loved Magnus, he did, but there was one thing Magnus was not good at, and that was singing. Alec knew he couldn't sing which was why he refrained from it. Magnus knew he couldn't sing but he got a kick out of annoying the shit out of people by doing it anyways.

Alec left the bathroom to see Magnus pacing back and forth, humming The 12 Days of Christmas. "How are you so happy right now?"

Magnus turned to look at Alec. "Because it's Christmas." He paused as he crossed to Alec, wrapping his arms around him. "It's snowing outside, and I'm with you. I couldn't ask for anything better." He leaned down, placing a quick, soft kiss to Alec's lips.

"Me either." Alec smiled, biting his lip. "So, presents?"

Magnus smiled with excitement. "You first." He pulled away, walking over to Alec's computer desk where two rectangular gifts were wrapped in purple and glittered wrapping paper. Big silver bows were attached to the top of them. He handed them to Alec who proceeded to sit down on the edge of his bed with both gifts in his hand.

He looked at Magnus questioningly. He wanted to trust that the gifts inside weren't as glittery as the wrapping paper, but he just wasn't so sure.

"Don't look at me like that Alexander. I promised you that I wouldn't buy you anything made of bright colours or glitter and so I didn't. I just made the wrapping paper that way."

Alec sighed, looking down at the gifts. He grabbed the one on the bottom, setting the smaller one aside. He started at the gift, opening it slowly. He ripped off the wrapping paper, letting it drop to the ground as he took in the box in his hands. It was a miniature telescope. Alec smiled, laughing softly as he remembered their first date and how he had completely geeked out on Magnus.

"I noticed you didn't own one. Plus, I find it really sexy when you geek out on me."

Alec went to say something in protest but stopped himself. He looked up at Magnus. "I love it. Thank you." He did. It wasn't bright coloured or glittered, but it was the perfect gift for Magnus to give. Not everybody gave their boyfriend a telescope, except, well, Magnus. The gesture was perfect. Alec had actually always wanted one but had been too lazy to buy one since his last one had broken a few years back. Now he had one and could geek out all over again, much to Magnus' amusement.

"Alright, the next one."

Alec set the telescope aside, picking up the smaller one. He unwrapped it quickly, depositing the paper with that of the last present. He looked down. He held a picture, a drawing actually. The scene was outside in the winter and a family was building a very large snowman. Snow fell in the scene and the forest framed their backs, covered in a soft blanket of snow. Upon closer inspection Alec noticed it was his family from only two nights ago. Jace was helping Max roll up the first ball which was already half his size. Isabelle and Alec worked together to finish rolling the second ball while Maryse and Robert were standing next to the snowman, smiling as they watched their kids. They were all smiling, and it was a moment that wasn't very commonly found in print. For once Alec could see happiness in his family, in all of them. Magnus had captured them all perfectly, showing the real face of the Lightwood family. They all had their masks, things they used to hide who they really were, but in this picture Alec saw the faces of his family and that was a first.

Alec felt his heart tug in his chest. It was beautiful. Alec had seen Magnus' drawings before, albeit not some of the more personal ones, but this was so different than anything else he'd seen. This one was a very different light then Magnus' normal work. It was happy. Not that Magnus' other drawings weren't happy, but Magnus preferred darker, more emotional pieces. In this, Alec could almost feel the happiness of his family coming off of the paper. That night had been one of the few nights they had all done something together and they had stayed out for hours, just having fun in the snow. For Magnus to have taken that family moment and captured it, meant everything.

"Magnus, you didn't have to do this."

"I wanted to. I noticed there's an abundance of hilarious home videos in this house but a complete lack of family portraits. I wanted to give you something to remember this and to remember your family."

"It's beautiful."

"Everything I do is beautiful." Magnus grinned, as once again he found the need to inflate his own ego.

Alec smiled, standing up. He walked over to his desk, setting the drawing up against the wall. He opened his drawer, withdrawing a large box, which was wrapped in simple green wrapping paper. He walked back over to Magnus, handing it to him.

Magnus' face lit up like a little kid and Alec couldn't help but smile. With Magnus' happiness, it made Alec wonder what memories of Christmas Magnus had. He hadn't really thought about it until now, but it was seeing that smile and the happiness in Magnus' eyes that made Alec think about it. He knew Magnus' life hadn't been anywhere close to easy, so what had Christmas been like for him? Did he have a Christmas? Alec wasn't going to put voice to those thoughts in fear of ruining Magnus' perfect happiness, but he still wondered. Was this the first Christmas he'd had? Was that why he was so happy?

Magnus shook the box slightly before ripping the paper off faster than Alec could blink.

He opened up the box, a bigger smile crossing his face as he took in the contents. "You heard me bitching."

"It's not like you were going to let me not hear it. I hope its okay. I'm not an artist so I just relied on the lady at the store. She said this was best."

"It's perfect." Magnus had been bitching for weeks about how he was running out of art supplies. But being Magnus, he was too damn lazy to get his ass up and down to the store to buy more himself. So Alec had taken it upon himself to get Magnus what he needed before Magnus procrastinated for so long that he ran out completely.

"You like it?"

"I love it." Magnus set the present aside, leaving nothing in the way of getting to Alec. He took Alec's hands in his, meeting his gaze. "I love you." He leaned forward, capturing Alec's lower lip with his, pulling it out from beneath Alec's teeth. One hand moved to cup Alec's face, pulling him deeper into the kiss. Magnus pulled away slightly, keeping his forehead in contact with Alec's as he met his eyes. He smiled as he massaged a finger across Alec's skin.

"Thank you for everything Magnus. This week has been amazing." It was so much more than anything Alec had hoped for. He'd always loved Christmas. It was the one time of the year where his family really came together as a family, and to get to spend it with Magnus was so much better. To have them accept Magnus and to be accepted himself, that was really the only Christmas gift he needed from them. From Magnus, he didn't need anything materialistic. To just have him was enough to make Alec happy. To know that he loved Magnus and that Magnus loved him back, that was a good enough present for him.

"Well considering I'm here, I'm not really surprised." They both just smiled as Magnus rubbed his nose against Alec's softly. "Merry Christmas darling."

"Merry Christmas to you too. Now I've got something else for you." Alec added.

"Something else? Alec, this has been enough." Magnus leaned back, looking into Alec's eyes questioningly.

"Just come with me." Alec took Magnus' hand, pulling him up off the bed as he led him out of the room.

* * *

"Don't open your eyes yet."

"Not opening."

Magnus could hear Alec moving around the room, his movements almost nervous. Many things cycled through his head about what it could be that Alec had made him cover his eyes before seeing it. Magnus had thought that that morning had been the end of their Christmas exchange, but apparently Alec had other plans.

"Okay, open."

Magnus opened his eyes, seeing first Alec in the centre of the room and then the room itself. While exploring the Lightwood home earlier that week, Magnus had stumbled upon an empty corner of the house. The room was normal sized, white walls and simple wooden flooring, but it wasn't the room that had caught Magnus' attention. It was the view that he had come to love. A large window took up half the wall, overlooking the ground below.

The Lightwood's lived at the end of a mile long drive in the middle of the forest, overlooking a large lake beneath a small cliff. It was breathtaking, and Magnus had instantly fallen in love with it. He had spent some time in the room drawing, but his sketchbook was never enough. He had absentmindedly mentioned to Alec how nice it would be to own an easel so he could do bigger pieces easier. He hadn't actually expected Alec to have heard him.

Alec stood next to a tall black easel that was set at an angle to look out at the ground below. Paper and pencils were already set up on it, waiting for Magnus.

Magnus smiled, feeling his heart swell within his chest. This was so beautiful. They were only there another week, but Alec had still set this up for him. He had given Magnus something he had always wanted. The gesture was so simple, but it was perfect. It was everything to Magnus and he couldn't have asked for anything else.

"I know you mentioned how you've been wanting an easel and I know you really like it here, so I set this up for you." Alec bit his lip nervously. Magnus found it adorable that Alec was actually worried he might not like it.

"Alec, it's perfect. I love it." Magnus crossed the room to stand in front of Alec. He took Alec's hands in his own. "You didn't have to do this for me. You've already done enough."

"I wanted to. You said you…"

Magnus placed a finger to Alec's lips. "I know I did. Thank you." He smiled as an idea sparked in his head about what he wanted to draw first.

"Magnus? God, I hate it when you get that look. What are you thinking?"

"Nothing bad Alec, so don't think so little of me. I just wanted to draw you first."

Alec's eyebrows shot up in surprise as a small blush crossed his face.

"Oh, don't act so surprised darling. I draw you all the time."

"Yeah, without my knowing. This is different."

Magnus pouted his lips. "Come on. Please baby?"

"Magnus, don't." Magnus knew that all he had to do was keep up this act and Alec would cave eventually. He loved that Alec had the inability to say no to him.

"Please? I promise it won't be that bad."

Alec crossed his arms over his chest. "I got you this easel to draw the landscape or something, not me."

"What if I drew the landscape and you were in it?" Magnus asked innocently.

Alec rolled his eyes. "No. You know I hate pictures of me."

"Please Alec? Pretty please with a cherry on top?" Magnus stuck out his bottom lip, pouting.

Alec groaned under his breath. "I hate you."

"Is that a yes?" Magnus asked in excitement.

"Yes, that's a yes. But only this once."

Magnus smiled wickedly, rubbing his hands together in excitement. "Good, now strip."

The blush that painted Alec's face was officially the fastest and deepest blush Magnus had ever seen cross his boyfriend's face.

"I am not stripping!"

"Please Alec? I have this fantasy where you're Rose and I'm Jack, only you're not a selfish bitch who hogs the door and lets me die in the end."

"We are not re-enacting the Titanic."

"Oh, come on Alec! It's so much fun. Only, don't re-enact the spitting scene on a boat, it sometimes comes back and hits you in the face."

Alec rolled his eyes. "You can be so unbelievable sometimes, you know that? You can draw me Magnus, but I get to keep my clothes on."

"Fine," Magnus said defeated. "But I can't guarantee they'll stay on," he muttered.

"I'm sorry?"

"Nothing." Magnus laughed silently to himself, catching the glare that Alec sent his way. "Now, go stand in front of the window."

Alec moved in front of the window, taking Magnus literally by just standing in front of it. He wrapped his arms around his chest self-consciously, fiddling with the hem of his sleeve.

Magnus rolled his eyes. The boy was helpless. "Arms down Alec." Alec followed suit. "Now, move more to your left. There that's it. Back up. Angle towards the window. Don't look so depressed. Smile. There. Stay there and don't move."

"But what if I have an itch?" Alec asked innocently.

Magnus laughed as he picked up his pencil. "Let me know and I'll itch it for you."

"What if it's..."

"I'll itch it there too." Magnus smirked, catching the blush that crossed Alec's cheeks. He knew that wasn't what Alec was implying but Magnus liked it none the less.

Alec sighed as Magnus placed the pencil to paper. The lines flew onto the paper effortlessly; his eyes focused more on Alec than the paper itself. The late afternoon sun fell perfectly on Alec's pale skin, illuminating the dark shade of his eyes and revealing a deeper glorious blue in his irises. Alec was in no model position, but it fit Alec. Beneath those eyes not even the sun could shine through to each layer of the man. Magnus saw Alec, uncomfortable in his position, but so fitting to the situation. Alec had resorted to crossing one arm over his chest as he leaned against the wall, his eyes searching the ground below. He looked beautiful there, a dark angel beneath the sun. Magnus could have drawn him forever if he could.

* * *

"Done." Magnus placed his pencil down on the easel, admiring his work. Maybe it was a biased opinion because it was of Alec, but Magnus actually thought it was one of his best works. He'd captured everything the way it was and he swore he could even see the impatience in Alec's face and the fact Alec was trying not to smile every time Magnus made a comment.

He looked up at Alec who had made his way over to Magnus. "It's beautiful."

"Thanks. I think the dynamic with the sun over the water in the background is the best part. But I guess the guy in it isn't half bad." Magnus flinched when Alec hit him playfully on the arm. "Alright, he's a bit better than half bad." Magnus laughed, looking at Alec. He wrapped his arms around him, pulling Alec flush against his body.

"Only a bit?"

"Nah, he's a lot better." Magnus leaned down, taking Alec's lips with his. The kiss was simple; long, deep, but simple. Alec had been taunting him for the last hour just standing there. Drawing Alec always elicited a strong feeling in Magnus. No matter what he drew, he was always emotionally entrapped in the art, and with Alec, his emotions were as high as they could be. With each line and curve all he could think about was what he had with Alec and how much he loved the boy. Each stroke of the pencil came to represent something he loved about Alec, each curve a memory the two had shared. He would engrave in his work the person's story, and he would etch with such force the way he felt for that person. It was more than just a drawing, but a canvas of lead threads telling a story with each and every line.

Magnus pulled away slowly, still holding Alec close to him. "Thank you Alec."

"For what?" Alec asked.

"For giving me the best Christmas I've ever had." Magnus was being honest. Even Christmases when his mother was alive had been hard. His mother tried her best to give him what she could, but Christmas had never been Christmas. His father spent all their money on booze and even when they did have a tree one year, he got mad and lit it on fire. So Christmas was only slightly different from any other day of the year. And after his mother had died, he never really had a Christmas. His foster families just ignored him and paid attention to their real family, and even when he was on his own, he'd never made a big deal of it. But this, this was like a dream. He was with a family who had accepted him in their arms, he was exchanging gifts, singing Christmas carols, and spending it with the person he loved. It was everything he'd thought Christmas to be and he wouldn't trade it for the world.

Alec smiled. "You're welcome. Thank-you for giving me the best Christmas too."

"Just wait until I give you the best night of your life."

Alec rolled his eyes at Magnus' forward statement. "One day."

"Oh, you're warming up to the idea," Magnus said excitedly.

"I said one day Magnus." The way they talked about such things had grown casual. Magnus was ready when Alec was ready. They'd already had the conversation, so now Magnus took every chance to bring it up just because Alec's reactions were always extremely adorable. He wasn't expecting anything, but a man was allowed to dream.

"Fine, I guess I can wait. I'll just tie myself over by doing this." Magnus placed a kiss to Alec's lips. "And this." He moved to his jaw line. "And this." He moved to the spot behind Alec's ear, sucking softly on the skin there. "I wish we were alone."

"But we are alone," Alec replied innocently as Magnus' mouth explored more of Alec's waiting skin.

"No, _alone_, alone." Magnus moved his mouth to whisper in Alec's ear. "That way I could do whatever I wanted to you and you could make as much noise as you wanted and no one would hear a thing." He nipped Alec's ear lightly with his teeth, smiling at the shudder that ran through Alec's body. He took that opportunity to push Alec up against the wall, holding his body flush beneath his own.

"Hmm," Alec said breathlessly as he snaked his hands into Magnus' hair. Magnus took that statement as Alec's agreement with him, and it was enough for him.

Magnus finally took Alec's waiting lips with his, done teasing Alec's flushed skin. Magnus' small obsession with Alec's skin was the reason he had convinced Alec to let him buy him a scarf a few weeks ago. His sweaters just didn't do it for covering up hickies.

Magnus moved his hands to Alec's hips, pulling him closer to his body as he slipped his tongue into Alec's waiting mouth. Sparks flew between them, charging the air particles that floated between their bodies. They came together as one, their bodies moulding into a simple entity. Magnus' heart beat in time with Alec's, the soft thud of their hearts the only sound he could hear. He let himself get lost in the feel of Alec's body, his whole existence falling away with perfect ease.

He slipped a hand underneath Alec's sweater, splaying his fingers over the muscular skin of Alec's side as he pulled him closer. He rotated his hips with Alec's, both of them moaning at the connection. He wanted to take him, right here, right now, against the wall. He wanted to lose Alec's sweater and the tight confines of their jeans so that nothing separated them but the thin air between them. It was hard to hold back, but Magnus knew this was neither the time nor place.

"Alec! Magnus! Lunch!"

Alec and Magnus quickly pulled apart at the sound of Isabelle's voice. They looked at each other as they tried to catch their breath, both of their faces flushed from the last 10 minutes. Magnus' heart beat a million miles a minute in the confines of his chest, and his whole body was a live wire.

Magnus looked at Alec, a smile tugging at his lips as he took in Alec's appearance. "You have sex hair."

"Oh, lovely. Yeah, my parents'll just love that." Alec tried pointlessly to brush down his hair, but since it didn't listen on any other day, it wasn't going to listen now.

"I love it."

"Really?" Alec dropped his hands to his side, knowing it was pointless.

"Yep." Magnus pulled Alec back into his arms. "Just like I love you."

"Is that so?"

"Yes. Now come on, I'm starving." Magnus took Alec's hand in his as both of them left the room to go down to lunch.

Yeah, it was perfect. Magnus had never thought that anything could feel as good as this. Alec's family had accepted him, they had said they loved each other, and the week had just been perfect. Magnus felt like he was flying and nothing could bring him down. He knew things would be different when they went back to school since Alec still had one more step to take, but things were better. Alec had seen what it was like to be accepted by the people who he was most afraid of, so maybe now it wouldn't be so hard to find acceptance in strangers. Now maybe they could go public. That thought brought a smile to his face and he just hoped that Alec would follow through with it. He believed Alec could do it, so he just hoped Alec could believe in himself.

Only time would tell. But right now, he was happy and he wasn't going to think about the future. The future could be anything and Magnus was more for living in the present and enjoying each and every second while he could. He had Alec now, they were in love, happy and nothing could bring him down. It was perfect. It was amazing. It was everything Magnus needed to be alive.

* * *

_The early morning light flickered through the curtains, hitting Magnus' tired eyes. He rolled over, trying to block out the light, but even burying his face in the pillow seemed to fail. He sat up, taking in a deep intake of breath as his body screamed at him in pain. __It was like a thousand little knives working their way underneath his skin, cutting at every surface they could find. _

_It had been a long night, just like countless others he had had in the past. His father had come home late, smelling of liquor and in one of his foul moods. Magnus cringed at the memory, his body still remembering the feel of his father__'s fists against his bare skin, the feel of the belt cutting where it had cut a dozen times before. His mother had told him to let himself go in these moments, to try and search for a happy place within himself and withdraw into that. She told him to stay strong, that it would get better soon. Magnus wanted to believe her, he did. He just wanted it to end. Every time he looked at his father he tried to imagine the man he had been years ago, before he started drinking. That man had been a good husband, a good father; or at least Magnus wanted to think so. If his father has ever been a semblance of a man Magnus never knew him. He wondered if his mother had ever known him too, or did she marry what he was now? He only knew this man, this skeleton of a man who was dangling uselessly from his own noose. _

_Magnus stood up tentatively, stretching his sore muscles despite their protests. His stomach growled. It had been almost 24 hours since he'd last eaten. His father had prevented them from eating dinner that night, throwing__ it in the garbage in his anger. It was hard enough that they didn't have money to afford food and his father didn't make it any easier by throwing it away. His food may be liquid courage but Magnus survived on food, something Magnus never had. _

_Magnus left his room, walking softly down the hallway and into the kitchen. He stopped when he saw his father on the couch, the sports channel playing softly on the television. His heart skipped in his chest, as his breath caught at the back of his throat. _No please. Not again. _He thought his father would be gone to work and he could have a few hours peace; a few painless hours. He always dreamed of mornings like these where his father was cooking breakfast and making him lunch for school. He dreamed that his father could be like other fathers, the ones Magnus' friends had. They coached their son's baseball teams, taught them how to fish and change the oil in a car. Magnus' father had taught him nothing. He had his theory about what it meant to be a man, telling Magnus not to cry, to just take the pain like a man. But that was all. So Magnus dreamed. He dreamed of the father he never had, of the husband he never was, and the man that would never be. He held on to that dream, praying and hoping that one day his dad would become his dad. Father's weren't supposed to do this were they? In dreams they didn't; but in Magnus' life, they did. _

_Magnus flinched inwardly when his father moved to look at him. His eyes were heavy. He wasn't drunk, but the effects lingered on his features. He looked like he hadn't slept in a week, and hadn't taken a shower in twice that __time.__ Magnus liked to think his mother had seen something attractive in the man once upon a time, but every time he tried to find what that something was, he came up with nothing. His mother told him that his father hadn't always been this way; that he had once been a successful businessman who had swept her off her feet from the moment they met. But Magnus didn't see it. He just knew this man, and this man was nothing like his mother said he used to be._

"_Magnus, get me a drink."_

_His father's words__Magnus hurried into the kitchen, grabbing a glass from the cupboard and filling it with the vodka off the counter. Most fathers asked for water. Magnus' asked for alcohol._

_He hurried back into the living room, handing the drink to his father. __He didn't meet his eyes. He couldn't. They were just a cold, bottomless pit that once Magnus met them, he couldn't seem to escape them. There was a bright fire burning in them, a fire that licked off his skin and skimmed off each of his words. It ragged within his soul, sprung to life by the fuel that was his vice. _

_Magnus started to turn away when his father's hand encircled his wrist. _God no, please not now. Please. _He turned around to face his father, fear vibrating through every nerve in his body. He kept his eyes to the ground, his whole body shaking beneath his father's skin._

"_Look at me boy."_

_Magnus didn't want to. God, how he didn't want to. But he had to or it would just be worse. He looked up, meeting his father's gaze and letting that fire rush over him. It poured between the connection of their bodies, blazing against Magnus' skin and soul. He wanted to run, pull away from the pain that just this simple connection caused. His heart beat faster in his chest, drowning out all sense of anything else around him. All he could see was that darkness and all he could feel was the heat, both of which ate away at every semblance of his being, cutting away at all happy thought and dreams…dreams. Why were they dreams? Why couldn't they be reality? Magnus wished that he could live in a dream forever and escape this…this waking nightmare._

"_Magnus, sit. I want to talk to you." He let Magnus go, letting his hand fall to his drink. Magnus rubbed at his arm knowing it would be red for a few hours. His father's hand was an imprint on his skin, one more mark among the many fading ones. _

_Magnus took a seat in the chair across from his father, waiting, just waiting for him to make his first move. __He folded his hands in front of him, wanting so bad to look down at them, or anything else beside his father._

"_Son, how much do you know about love?"_

_Love? Wait, he actually wanted to talk about something? What did he mean?_

"_Not much sir." His voice shook in his throat as he tried to calm it._

_His father took a sip of his drink. "Never fall in love son."_

"_What... what do you mean?" Magnus was still scared. He'd never seen his father like this. He was so calm, if you wanted to say that. He was just talking with Magnus, something Magnus had only one memory of. And why were they talking about love? Why weren't they talking about the football game on TV or some other random thing? What did love have to do with anything? Magnus didn't even think his father knew what that word meant as he had failed at ever feeling it. But even with the simple choice of topic Magnus was scared of where it would go. His father could change his actions and behaviours at the flip of a dime. So Magnus didn't let himself sink into the oddness of the moment but instead embraced it to make him stronger. He needed to be prepared if something was going to happen, if his father was going to become the father Magnus normally saw._

"_To love is to destroy. You will destroy yourself, and you will destroy the woman you fall in love with." He spat in disgust, taking another drink. _

_Magnus cringed. He didn't plan on falling in love with a woman. He'd just figured that out. He wasn't really sure what it meant, but he knew he didn't want something like his father and his mother had. He was interested in men. __Not that he was going to tell his father that. Magnus could kiss goodbye to any chance of falling in love if his father knew he was gay. Magnus could say goodbye to life. So he wouldn't tell him and he would pray to God that he never figured it out._

"_What do you mean?"_

"_Why do you ask so many questions boy?" He snapped and Magnus flinched. His father groaned, taking another drink. _

_It was at that point that the memory seemed to change. A light film seemed to seep over everything, changing the world around Magnus. Magnus had had this dream, this memory, many times before and this had never happened.__ This wasn't how it ended. His father went on to flip, just like he always did. As the alcohol burned in his stomach so did his hands against Magnus' skin. He'd never brought up the conversation again, never said much more to Magnus in the year that was to follow. _

"_You're in love with that boy," he snarled._

"_I'm sorry?" Magnus didn't have time to catch the question, instead letting it slip unstopped from his lips._

"_Alec." The name slipped from his lips with utter hatred. "God, you're disgusting. Did you not get anything I taught you?" He glared at Magnus, his eyes burning into Magnus' soul. He no longer felt like his 10-year-old self from the memory, but his 20-year-old self, facing down his father. And it still scared him. It still shot a fire to the very depth of his soul, awakening every nerve in his body to feel the pain of his father's word and his skin. _

"_I didn't even want a kid. But your mother fucked up and had you. I liked to think you'd be just like me, but you were different from the very beginning. I thought I could change you, teach you who you should be. But look at you." His face turned up in disgust. "You're a worthless excuse for my son. And now you've fallen in love with a boy." He took another swig of his drink, finishing it off before slamming it down on the table. "You're not meant to fall in love Magnus. How could someone love a pathetic thing like you? To love is to destroy. I told you it then and I'll tell you it now. You're going to hurt him, break his perfect innocent little heart. Like father, like son."_

"_I'm not like you!" Magnus stood up, trying with all his might to wake up, but nothing worked. Nothing broke him free of this hell. He was fighting with his own skin, trying to break free of it. He beat at the walls of his soul, fighting to wake himself up. He always woke if he tried hard enough. But nothing worked. The fighting, the inner screaming, nothing made his body wake up._

"_You are everything like me. I've denied it. You've denied it. Just as I ran a knife through your mother's heart, you too will run a knife through Alec's."_

"_No!"_

"No!" Magnus shot awake, sweat dripping from his skin as his heart raced out of his chest. "No," he repeated breathlessly. He wrapped his arms around himself trying to calm down his body. That hadn't been a memory, it had been his fears projected in the image of his father. Fears he hadn't confronted until that moment. He was scared of hurting Alec, of becoming just like his father. A monster.

_Just as I ran a knife through your mother's heart, you too will run a knife through Alec's._

No. He fought the tears that warred to break free from his eyes. No. He wasn't going to hurt Alec. He couldn't do that to him. He promised himself he wouldn't and so he wouldn't break that promise. He wouldn't do that to Alec.

_I'll never hurt you Magnus._

I won't hurt you either baby.

_To love is to destroy._

No. No. His father was wrong. He wouldn't hurt Alec. He was going to protect him, love him, and be everything for him his father had never been for his mother. He wasn't his father. He wouldn't let himself be his father. He tried to suppress the nightmare, forcing it deep into the recesses of his soul, trying to hide it and turn away from it. But it wouldn't go. It fought against him, pushing back to the surface so that it took him over.

_Like father, like son._

_I'll never be like you._

_One day son. You will. _

_I'll never be like you..._

* * *

Okay, so there you go. That was a monster of a chapter to finish given it's length and it's sort of filler, but hopefully it was okay. I'd like to thank everyone who gave me present ideas about a month ago. You were all such a great help, so thank you so much for being amazing people and helping me out. Hope the gifts were okay.

So, I know I do this a lot, but it's the story of my life. It's exam time! That means that my beta and I have a million projects, tests, and exams to study for for the end of June, plus work's picking up for us both. She would like to apologize if updates are further apart and hopes you will understand and forgive her. I also am very sorry. There will still be updates, mainly this month, but I drop off the face of the Earth at exam time since i'm a studying machine so I'll probably disappear in June. But come summer all I have is work so my life will be work by day and write by night, which means that updates will hopefully be closer together. So hopefully you all understand and I will see you next chapter. Thank you so much for reading. You guys are all absolutely amazing.

Be the change,  
Amber


	22. Unprotected

Chapter 22

Unprotected

* * *

Songs:

A Modern Myth-30 Seconds to Mars

Sky-Joshua Radin

* * *

The rest of Christmas Break passed relatively less dramatic than the first week had. There were no more mass revelations of any sort, but just simple drama between siblings, Magnus and Jace, and family. Looking back on each day, Magnus couldn't help but just smile. He was with Alec, back at school, and everything had turned out better than they had expected. Most of Alec's fears had been assuaged and Magnus didn't think he'd ever seen Alec as happy as he'd been the last two weeks. It was sort of like he was seeing a new man. This Alec was more confident, more aware of himself, and just altogether happier about everything. It wasn't that Magnus didn't like old Alec, but this one had a new spark that Magnus was growing to like very much.

But whereas Alec was clearly unbothered by a single thing, Magnus couldn't shake the dream he had had. He couldn't stop thinking that somewhere, underneath the fact it was just a dream, that part of it was true, or could be true. What if his dad had been right? What if Magnus was just destined to hurt Alec like he hurt everyone else? What if Magnus was just meant to be alone the rest of his life? As much as his heart was alight with the revelations of the last few weeks, it was also shrouded in a dark cloud that was bogging down every happy feeling inside of him. He was scared. He had always known these fears were a part of him but he thought they were going away. He had been afraid to love and yet had fallen head over heels for Alec, so he figured that his other fears would disappear too. Apparently he had been wrong. Now more than ever he was afraid of hurting him. Alec had made him a promise not to hurt him, and Magnus knew he couldn't make that promise back. He just couldn't shake the feeling that one day he was going to hurt Alec.

Magnus looked at Alec, who upon arriving back at the dorm, had passed out on his bed. It had been a long two weeks. Magnus was tired too but he just couldn't bring himself to sleep. With thoughts of his dream plaguing every waking hour, sleeping had become impossible. But ever since getting back, there was this other persistent thought that was hammering at his every sense. What now? After everything that had happened, was Alec ready to take that final step? Could he come out to the world? Magnus had pushed down his feelings about the issue, ignoring them as best he could, but they were starting to surface. In all honesty, it hurt. Magnus had felt pain before, emotionally and physically, but this pain was so different. It wasn't like a cut or a broken heart, both of which could go away. This was the sort of pain that stuck around, beating as his heart beat, breathing as his lungs breathed. This was the pain of hiding, of being in a room so small there's no room to move. It was suffocating. Looking at Alec, he wanted so badly to scream from their window how much he loved the boy, how much he wanted him in his life. But he couldn't. He could only tell Alec that in whispers, hidden behind doors and makeshift walls.

He was doing this for Alec because he loved him, but he had never thought it would be this hard to keep it a secret. He'd never thought that their relationship would progress to this point where Magnus couldn't hide anymore. He wanted to but he just couldn't. He knew it was selfish and he hated himself for feeling it, but he did, and he couldn't deny that. He wanted to be public with Alec. He hadn't pushed Alec to do anything; he was leaving Alec to go at his own pace.

He was so proud of him for telling his parents. He always knew Alec could do it, just as he knew he could also do this. Magnus knew Alec was stronger than the boy thought. Magnus knew Alec could do it. It wasn't that he was mad at Alec for not telling the world, he understood why; it was just that Magnus didn't want to wait anymore. Their relationship wasn't just some fling, it didn't mean nothing. Their relationship was pure and they loved each other, and that meant something. All he could do was hope that Alec could see how good things had worked out at home and see that things could be the same in the outside world. He didn't want to hide anymore. It was as simple as that. He loved Alec with all his heart but he just didn't want to hide anymore.

Magnus jumped out of his reverie when his phone vibrated in his pocket. He pulled it out, seeing William's name flash across the screen. Magnus and William hadn't really talked since the conversation they had had before Christmas. William had called him to tell him to have a good Christmas, but even that conversation had been strained and difficult. Ever since William had revealed he still loved him, things were tense. Magnus just didn't know how to be around him now. Could they still be friends?

"Hello."

"Hi." William's voice was quiet. "Um, how was your Christmas?"

"Good. Yours?"

"Had better." William paused. "Look I called because I wanted to talk to you."

"And not about Christmas, I presume?" He knew he shouldn't have answered the call. He knew it would turn to this and he wasn't so sure he wanted to deal with this yet. But he had to. He couldn't run. He didn't want Alec to run, so it was about time he took his own advice.

"No. I wanted to apologize for the way I acted before Christmas. What I did, what I...said. I shouldn't have. It was wrong of me, and completely out of line, and I'm sorry. I know this changes everything and I've probably fucked up everything between us but I didn't want to leave things as we did. I mean, I know there's nothing for us, you're with Alec now, but I still want to be your friend. Or at least something. Can we do that?" The hope in William's voice echoed through the phone. Magnus honestly believed every word William was saying. Well, at least he wanted to. William was a good guy and the relationship they had shared had been short lived, but special. Magnus wanted to say that they could be friends, but he knew it was a bad idea. Alec was the jealous type and he'd already seen how Alec got in response to William. It just wasn't that easy to say that they could be friends. He wasn't going to do that to Alec.

"It's not that easy for me William, you know that."

William sighed. "Alec."

"Yes. I mean you tell me how this would look to him; being friends with my ex-boyfriend. I can't do that to him William."

"Magnus, people are friends with their exes all the time."

"People aren't friends with exes who still love them."

Magnus knew his words struck a chord with William when he didn't respond. But what was he supposed to say? Being friends wasn't that easy when one person in the relationship wanted more than the other.

"Touché." William sighed. "But Magnus... I was wrong in what I said. I was impetuous and stupid. I realize that you were right. It was three years ago and I'm fooling myself into feeling the same way. I haven't moved on. But I want to Magnus. I can. But I don't want to lose you because of this. We can still have something. And if it's about Alec, I'll talk to him. I'll tell him where I stand with you. I'll tell him I don't want anything else; that we're over. Whatever you want me to do, I'll do it." Most people would have sounded desperate to Magnus' ears, but William just sounded lost. He sounded like the boy Magnus used to know who was so confident in himself, but so very scared of losing everything.

"William... I can't. Look, I'm sorry, but I just can't do that to him. I can't do that to us. It's just not that easy to forget everything between us and move on. Maybe one day we can be friends, but I don't think that time is now. When you know that you've moved on and if by some chance you still want to be friends, then maybe then we can make this work. But right now, we can't. I just don't think it'll work. I'm sorry William."

A few seconds passed between them before William spoke. "I see. Okay. Well, maybe I'll see you around campus?"

"Maybe. Bye William."

"Bye Magnus." The pain in William's voice cracked through the phone, pulling at Magnus' heart. William could say what he wanted but Magnus just couldn't trust that he had moved on. And with everything going on, Magnus just didn't think it was a good idea. Alec already didn't like William and Magnus didn't want to start another fight. William meant something to him once, but Alec was his life now. He was what was important.

Magnus clicked off his phone, setting it on his bed as Alec's eyes slipped open slowly. Magnus grinned, catching a small smile cross Alec's lips. "And he wakes."

"How long have I been asleep?" Alec yawned, rubbing his eyes with the palm of his hand.

"A couple hours."

"Who were you talking to?" Alec sat up slowly, swinging his legs over the side of the bed.

"William."

And in that moment, the tiredness slipped away. Alec's eyes lit up, meeting Magnus' gaze. Magnus hadn't told Alec about what had happened between them yet. He hadn't really found an appropriate time to bring it up, and he wasn't exactly ready for the fight he knew would ensue. Alec had pretty much hated William from the first moment he'd seen him, which was reasonably understandable. William hadn't given Alec reason to hate him other than the fact that he had dated Magnus. Magnus understood where Alec's jealousy came from. It was because of his insecurities. Alec saw this guy who was out and proud, who had given Magnus a public relationship, and so Alec was threatened. He worried that he would never be able to give Magnus that relationship and so he thought Magnus would leave him just for the public relationship. Sure, Magnus wanted a public relationship, but it was going to take a hell of a lot more than that for him to leave Alec.

"William? What were you talking about?"

"He wanted to know how my Christmas had gone."

"Oh." Alec looked down, avoiding Magnus' gaze. He played absentmindedly with his fingers before looking up at Magnus. "So I guess that means you two are friends?"

"No. We're friendly acquaintances, if you must put a title on it."

Alec looked up, catching Magnus' gaze. "Why aren't you friends?"

Magnus shrugged. "Because it would never work between us. We had something a couple years ago and we need to just end it at that. Now come on, let's not talk about him. Let's do something else."

Alec sighed. "Magnus, why do you always do this?"

"Do what?"

"Stray away from talking about William. I just feel like there's so much you're not telling me."

"That's because it's not important." It really wasn't that important. But it was Magnus' past and he didn't like talking about that.

"And if I want to know? Alec asked.

"Then I'll tell you." Magnus didn't want to, but if Alec asked, he would. It didn't really feel right hiding it all from Alec. And it wasn't like Magnus had anything to be ashamed of. Also, maybe telling Alec could ease Alec's worrying and jealousy.

"Okay." Alec crossed his arms over his chest, leaning back against the wall. "Tell me."

Magnus sighed. "I met William when I was 15. He lived next door to the family I was staying with at the time. When we met, we hit it off. We became friends and he was the best thing that I'd had since losing my mother. I eventually told him I was gay and he told me that he was too. But he was scared of telling people, afraid of what his parents would think. I knew how that felt and so I helped him through it as best I could. We stuck together and learned how to be strong against the world. It didn't take long before we started dating. It was good. We were happy, young, and for both of us it was the first time we'd ever felt truly accepted." Magnus smiled at the memories they had had together. His time with William had been special and he wouldn't trade it for anything. William had changed him, made him a better man, and he was grateful for that. "After a year, William told me he loved me. And I ran. I got scared of the commitment, of that feeling which I didn't know anymore. I couldn't say it back and I didn't feel it back. So I broke it off with him."

"Just like that?"

Magnus nodded. "I know how it sounds. But I didn't know what else to do. In the foster system you come to learn not to become attached because things never last. I thought William was too good to be true, almost like a dream. So I left him, doing what I'd always done when things became too much." Magnus sighed, looking away from Alec. "That's all there is to it Alec. We kept in touch when our lives went different ways and that's it."

Alec nodded. "Thanks for telling me." He met Magnus's gaze, his blue eyes swirling.

"No problem. Now, all this talk about ex-boyfriends has been bitter sweet and lovely really, but I had different plans for today."

Alec raised an eyebrow in questioning. "Really? And what exactly did you have planned?"

Magnus grinned, standing up to cross the room over to Alec. "Well, it involves spending the whole day alone with you." Magnus stopped in front of Alec, placing his body over top of his as he pushed him back onto the bed. He placed his hands to the side of Alec's head, pinning him against the sheets as he moved his mouth to the boy's neck. He placed a soft kiss to the edge of Alec's collarbone, moving slowly up it, teasing Alec's skin with his tongue. "I was thinking we could watch a movie, talk, lay here doing this, and go out for dinner. And at some point in the day I plan on getting you naked, sweaty, and begging underneath me." Magnus grinned at the impromptu blush that swept over Alec's face. He moved his lips to Alec's, nipping his lower lip with his teeth, before placing a long deep kiss to his mouth. Everything slipped away in this moment. All thoughts of William washed away as did every fear that had been plaguing him for the last few days. Alec made it so easy to just leave the world behind, and Magnus had never felt as at peace as in these moments with Alec.

Magnus pulled away slowly, meeting Alec's gaze. "Does that sound like a good idea to you?"

"Everything but the naked part," Alec replied innocently.

Magnus laughed. "Oh, baby. You will give in to me. I promise you will be naked by the end of the day."

"That's a big promise."

"I don't make promises I can't keep."

Before Alec could complain anymore, Magnus had moved back to his lips. Alec would be naked by the end of the day, he could guarantee that. So he was horny and wanted his boyfriend, so sue him. It had been too long since he'd been able to properly be with Alec. Sneaking moments while with Alec's family had been fun, but it didn't hold the same power to him as just being with Alec, alone, with no interruptions. Magnus was a sexual being, he wasn't afraid to admit that, which also meant he wasn't afraid to admit how damn bad he wanted to take Alec. He could hope that would be today, but he wasn't crossing any fingers. One day. It was all just a waiting game, but this he wasn't going to push Alec into.

Magnus moved one of his hands to Alec's side, slipping his hand underneath his t-shirt, sliding his hand over the muscles of Alec's side. He felt Alec shiver beneath him, causing a smile to cross Magnus' lips. He loved each movement and sound that he could elicit from Alec. He loved knowing he was making the boy happy and he savoured each and every reaction from Alec's body.

Magnus pushed his body closer against Alec's, brushing his hips over Alec's, eliciting a soft moan from him. Yeah, he could definitely do this all day. He could do this the rest of his life. Just Alec and him. No outside interference. No fears. No worries. Nothing. Just the two of them and what they felt for each other. Magnus never thought he'd have anyone even half like Alec and he never thought he would love anyone to any extent of how he loved him. His mother had always told him that someone was waiting for him out there, that he would find that someone who he couldn't imagine life without. Back then, he thought she was just being his typical mother, spouting optimistic life lessons, but now he realized, like everything else she said, that she was right. Alec was that someone. Alec had been waiting for him and, by coincidence, they had chosen the same tree to sit at one day, they had the same classes, and by a weird turn of events, Alec had asked him to room with him. That was the start of all; the wheel that started the events that would forever change Magnus' life.

* * *

"I'm sorry Alec, but I have to disagree. Jack Sparrow is so much better than Will. Will, just to put it bluntly, is a hideously poor excuse for a pirate who serves no purpose in this movie other then to screw everything up. We all know Jack is the only one that matters."

"Jack is just a drunk man who was mutinied by his own crew which clearly expresses that he is a poor excuse for a pirate. All Jack wants is his ship and the man is entirely selfish. Will, on the other hand, loved Elizabeth and was willing to do anything for her. He even continued to love her after everything they went through _and_ he can only see her every 10 years. I'm sorry Magnus, but Will is a completely better character than Jack."

"Nope. Jack's better. He's kick ass Alec, it's as simple as that. Plus, look at that. The things I would do to that man."

"Magnus!"

"Hey, a man's allowed to dream! I saw you ogling Will over there so don't you try to act all cute and innocent. Now, we are all entitled to our little fantasies, so at least let me have this one."

Alec groaned. "Fine, let's just agree to disagree." Alec sat up, turning off the TV.

"For now. I'll convince you of Jack Sparrow's awesomeness soon enough."

Alec looked back at Magnus. "I highly doubt that Magnus. So, what movie do you want to watch next, or do you want to do something else?"

Magnus grinned. "You know what I want to do."

Alec blushed slightly. "Magnus..."

Magnus slipped his hand playfully up Alec's shirt only to have it swatted away just as quickly. He frowned, meeting Alec's gaze. "You can't keep this up forever baby. Just like with your opinion of Jack, you will give in eventually." He traced his fingers softly down Alec's thigh, feeling the boy shiver beneath him. He slipped his hand to the inside of Alec's thigh only to have Alec's hand grab his to stop him.

"Magnus." Magnus could hear the wavering in Alec's voice. Alec liked to keep up his little game but it was easy to crack as anything. Alec liked to feign innocence, but he wasn't innocent anymore. He'd given into Magnus a few times before, so this time was no different than the last ones. It wasn't like he was just pushing Alec into being more sexual than usual. He knew how to read his boyfriend and he knew when Alec wanted something but was too afraid to make the move. So Magnus made it for him and he was perfectly okay with that.

Magnus leaned forward, this time brushing his other hand up Alec's thigh to rest just on the skin above the band of Alec's jeans. He moved his mouth to Alec's ear, whispering softly. "How about a hot, steamy shower? Me, you, and nothing in between us." He moved his hand to cup Alec beneath his jeans, squeezing as he nipped Alec's ear with his teeth. "What do you think?"

"Sounds...good." Alec was breathless and blushing, but Magnus was even more turned on by it. It was simple little responses like that that Magnus loved to get from Alec.

Magnus smiled, grabbing Alec's hand and pulling him up off the couch after him. He led Alec into the bathroom, shutting the door behind them with his foot. He pushed Alec against the door, crashing his lips to Alec's. His hands moved to Alec's hips, pulling him closer, rolling his hips forward to brush their growing erections together. Alec moaned against him as he slipped his hands underneath Alec's shirt. He ripped the shirt over Alec's head, his need to have the layers between them gone increasing with every second. The shirt fell discarded to the floor as Magnus' hands moved to Alec's bare skin. He loved the bare feel of Alec beneath him and he couldn't help but smile at himself for having finally gotten Alec to give in.

Magnus moved his tongue across the line of Alec's lips before sliding it into his mouth. Alec's hands came to the hem of his shirt, pulling it up over Magnus' shoulders as he discarded it alongside his own shirt.

Magnus pulled away, backing up towards the shower. He turned the faucet on hot, before looking back at Alec. He cocked an eyebrow at him before crooking a finger for Alec to come closer. Alec bit his lip before taking the few steps towards Magnus. Magnus closed the distance quickly by hooking a finger in Alec's belt loop and pulling him flush against him. He grinned, cocking an eyebrow in time with Alec's sudden look of surprise. He brushed his hips against Alec, a fire lighting within him, exciting every inch of his body. He wanted Alec, every single part of him. He'd never met somebody like this, somebody that he couldn't seem to quit. The pull towards Alec, the raw, undeniable need to have him, was exhilarating. People said perfection didn't exist, but Magnus could name a few perfect things and they all centred around the man that was all his.

Alec moved his hands to Magnus pants, undoing the button and zipper before sliding his jeans off his hips and onto the ground. The steam from the shower started to fill the room, forming a warm, slick layer of moisture on their skin, mixing with the sweat that their heated exchange had already created. Magnus moved to Alec's pants, undoing them effortlessly and letting them and his boxers fall to the floor. Alec's erection sprung free and Magnus welcomed the absence of clothes between them. He moved his hands down Alec's sides to his ass. He squeezed, pulling their hips against each other as his tongue worked the inside of Alec's mouth. He took a few steps back, pulling Alec with him into the shower.

"Fuck!" Alec cringed beneath Magnus' hands as the hot water poured down on their skin, sparking Magnus' nerves with even more intensity. Magnus laughed, turning the water down slightly, as he pulled Alec into the corner, out of the spray of the showerhead.

Magnus smiled, brushing strands of wet hair from Alec's face. He looked down at Alec, the boy's baby blue eyes now an intense deep shade of blue that Magnus found himself getting lost in. It was so easy. Magnus could just stand there forever, the water pounding on his already scorching skin and the man he loved beneath his hands.

"Well, baby, if you insist."

Alec rolled his eyes at Magnus' comment. "Is there anything you say that isn't dirty?"

"I love you," Magnus replied innocently, shrugging.

Alec rolled his eyes. "Really, is that so?" Alec moved his body closer to Magnus', closing the already small distance between them.

Magnus nodded. "I love you." Magnus kissed Alec's lips. "I love you here." He kissed Alec's collarbone. "And here." He moved lower, leaving a trail of light kisses down Alec's chest. "And here." He traced his fingers lightly up the inside of Alec's thigh. "And right here." He flicked out his tongue to lick the head of Alec's hard cock. The boy shivered beneath him, his hips bucking slightly in front of Magnus, asking for more. Magnus grinned, as he descended on Alec's cock, revelling in the moan of pleasure that passed Alec's lips. Alec's hands wound themselves in Magnus' hair, pulling him down further. Magnus took Alec to the base, allowing Alec's hands to lead him wherever he wanted. His hand moved up to caress his balls, squeezing them softly in his hand. Magnus revelled in the moan that escaped Alec's lips.

"Jesus...Magnus...wait," Alec said breathlessly.

Magnus looked up at Alec, confused. Wait, what? Magnus pulled back, meeting Alec's gaze. Why was he saying wait? Was he crazy? Magnus was as hard as a rock and Alec rivalled his state. It didn't help that Alec's current state was just feeding into Magnus' dirty and hormonal mind. Alec was wet and naked, laid bare for Magnus' hands and all he wanted to do was pleasure and ravish Alec every minute that he could. It was hard enough keeping his hands off Alec so when he was presented with situations like this he didn't exactly like to hold back.

Alec placed a hand to Magnus' chin, making him stand up. They met gazes and in Alec's eyes, he knew exactly why Alec had said to wait.

"I...I'm ready." Alec blushed softly and Magnus couldn't help but smile. This day honestly couldn't get any better.

"Are you sure?" _God, please tell me he's sure._

Alec nodded, biting his lip as he normally did when he was nervous. Magnus could see how nervous he was, could feel it in the rigidity of Alec's muscles beneath his hands. Magnus massaged his hands down Alec's arms. He met his gaze, hoping that not saying anything and being there was enough reassurance for him. This was the moment Magnus had been waiting for. It wasn't sex, but it was Alec taking a massive step in a good but completely different direction than Alec was used to. It made Magnus happy to know that Alec was growing more comfortable with these moments, and comfortable enough to do it himself.

...

To be honest, Alec was scared out of his mind. He didn't know what he was doing, and even what he did do, he wasn't sure if was going to be right. What if he made a mistake? What if Magnus didn't like it? Alec wanted to do this but it was completely out of his comfort zone. He wanted Magnus, there was no denying that, but he was scared.

Alec met Magnus' gaze, catching the reassuring look in his eyes that told him that it was okay. Magnus had said once that it was all about doing what felt right. Alec took a deep breath, before capturing Magnus' lips with his own. His hands moved to Magnus' back, pulling them closer together. Alec could almost feel the electricity between them, lighting with the need in both of their bodies. He didn't know why he hadn't taken Magnus earlier. He had wanted to, God had he wanted to, but he hadn't. But now he had a chance to pleasure Magnus as Magnus had pleasured him, and he was going to take it.

Alec moved his lips to Magnus' chest, kissing down it slowly, before getting on his knees in front of him. Alec caught the look of lust that flickered in the lines of Magnus' eyes, his face falling into a look of pleasure.

The water fell on Alec's back, burning his already scorching skin. He ignored the water, his focus on giving Magnus everything Magnus had given him. He knew he could do it; he just had to believe he could.

Alec darted out his tongue, swirling it around the head of Magnus's cock. Magnus shivered beneath him as Alec wrapped his lips around him, taking him into his mouth. The rush of complete ecstasy running through him was overwhelming. Everything in the moment just seemed to click. Alec felt like he was drowning, not in the scorching water, but in each and every emotion he felt for Magnus. He never wanted to pull away, not when everything here just felt right.

Alec took Magnus deeper, getting about half way before Magnus hit the back of his throat. He couldn't get the rest to fit. Alec pulled off, grazing his teeth on Magnus' head, his jaw aching from opening so wide. Magnus moaned and bucked beneath him as he pulled away. Alec looked up at Magnus who looked disappointed. He knew it. He knew he was going to mess up.

"Again, baby," he said softly. Magnus' eyes slid shut softly as his body responded in ecstasy. Alec looked away from his boyfriend before taking his length once again to the back of his throat. He pulled back slightly, grazing his teeth along the whole thing as Magnus' hands went to his hair. His fingers entwined there, leading Alec up and down softly.

"Alec... fuck!"

Alec continued this a few more times, but he needed help with the next part. He just couldn't take all of Magnus and he knew Magnus had done it with him, but he'd admit he just didn't know how. He looked up at Magnus before he planned to pull off.

"Just change the angle baby," he said breathlessly, his body shivering beneath Alec's hands.

Change the angle. Okay. He met Magnus' reassuring green eyes and, with the slight help of Magnus guiding him, he leaned his head forward, taking Magnus inch by inch down his throat. He took Magnus to the base, letting his muscles adjust to the thickness of the man. The feeling was foreign, and his throat protested the situation, but Alec didn't care. It might have felt different, but it was the kind of different that you welcomed with open arms. Alec felt like he was flying, the whole world a speck beneath him as he finally let go and followed his heart.

"Alec..." Alec couldn't hear what else Magnus said, his words an incoherent mess to Alec's ears. But the sound of his name escaping that velvet voice like that turned Alec on even more. He came up, letting his tongue lick the head.

"More baby. Don't stop." Alec could see the need in Magnus' eyes, begging for more, asking Alec for everything. His hands guided Alec back, but it wasn't forceful, just simply showing Alec exactly where Magnus wanted him. Alec tightened his cheeks around Magnus' cock, continuing to work it up and down as he elicited coherent and incoherent words from Magnus. The fire that burned within him was beautiful, his need for Magnus blinding. He never thought this could feel this good; it felt perfect. Giving this to Magnus was like giving another part of himself to him while also returning a favour that was due long ago.

Alec felt Magnus weaken beneath him, his hand moving to the shower wall above Alec's head to keep support. His other hand remained in its customary spot, entwined in Alec's hair. The water fell around them, steam blocking Alec's view. But he could still see the yellow-green of those eyes he'd come to know so well. They were alight with pleasure, pleading at Alec for more.

"Alec, I'm going to..." The rest was lost, but Alec got the point.

Magnus' hips bucked beneath him as he came, hot liquid shooting down Alec's throat. Alec swallowed, tightening his muscles around Magnus' dick as he took the liquid down. He came up, falling back on his heels as he looked up at Magnus. He wasn't sure about Magnus, but that had been exhilarating for him. His own erection was harder than it had ever been at that moment, his whole body turned on by the man above him.

Magnus was shaking, his breath laboured. His eyes were closed but his face was content, a picture of perfect bliss. Alec smiled, he guessed that meant he hadn't done too bad.

Magnus' eyes slipped open as they looked down at Alec. Happiness swirled in the deep yellow-green of his eyes.

"Was that okay?" Alec asked innocently, biting his lip.

Magnus smiled, a slight laugh escaping his lips. He moved his hand to take Alec's, pulling him up to stand next to him. He placed a soft kiss to Alec's lips, pulling away quickly as he was still searching for breath. "That...was perfect." He smiled, moving his hands to wrap around Alec, pulling him flush against him.

"Yeah?"

"God, yes." His eyes slipped shut and Alec could feel him shiver beneath him. Their foreheads met, both their eyes shut as they took in the beauty of the moment. Alec felt himself melt into Magnus, like the final piece of a puzzle was being put in place. "And here I thought you'd be the one naked beneath me."

Alec laughed. "I guess you had to break your promise."

"I guess I did."

They both smiled, their lips meeting as they let the water run down their backs. It was starting to go cold but nothing was dulling the burn of the fire within him. Steps. They were so beautiful. They were hard to take, but the feeling you got when you took one was like nothing else. This was a good step. An exhilarating, satisfactory step that Alec would take again in an instant.

* * *

Magnus and Alec lay on the bed, Magnus' arm draped across Alec's side. They held each other close, laying there in comfortable silence. But as comfortable as it was, Magnus couldn't bring himself to enjoy it. His mind kept cycling back to the same thought he had been having that morning. It was nagging at him, breaking apart the peace that normally accompanied being with Alec. Magnus hated it. He didn't want to be thinking these things or feeling this way. But he was, and he figured now was as good a time as any to bring up the elephant in the room. Or at least, the big purple elephant in Magnus' room.

"Alec?"

"Yeah Magnus?"

"Can I ask you something?"

"Yeah. What is it?"

"When do you think you'll be ready to go public?"

Magnus felt Alec stiffen beside him. He knew Alec didn't really want to talk about it but what was Magnus to do? He couldn't just ignore it forever like Alec did. Things between them were perfect, and days like these expressed to Magnus just how perfect things were and how much better they could be, which was why he had to say something. Magnus knew from experience that no matter how perfect something seemed, you had to face reality eventually. All dreams had their end and you had to wake up sooner or later.

"Soon Magnus. Soon."

"How soon is soon?"

Alec turned over to look at Magnus. "Magnus we've talked about this. I'm just not ready yet."

"I know. But can't you give me something? I thought that after coming out to your parents you'd be able to come out to everyone else."

"Yeah, but not now. I'm not ready. I thought you understood that?"

Magnus sighed. "I do understand Alec. I've understood since the beginning. It's just… it's hard. I know you have the strength to do it, I've seen you do it; and believe me, telling your parents is the hardest part. It's not as hard as you think."

Alec sighed, sitting up with his back to Magnus. "Magnus, please I don't want to talk about this right now."

"You never want to talk about it Alec. Every time I bring it up you make up an excuse to not talk about it. I get it. You think if you ignore it long enough, it'll just go away. But it doesn't. You have to do something about it eventually. You can't hide forever."

"Do you think I don't know that? And I will. I'm just scared Magnus. Don't you get that?" Alec looked back at Magnus, pain and sadness filling each line of his face.

"Of course I get it. If anyone gets it, it's me."

"Then why won't you just leave it be?" Alec snapped.

Magnus' gaze faltered as Alec's words hung in the air.

Alec sighed. "If you really get it then you'll understand why I can't do it." Alec paused, before looking back at Magnus. "You said you'd wait."

The sadness in Alec's eyes ripped through Magnus. He had said that, hadn't he? He felt so guilty bringing this up but he couldn't ignore it anymore. He wanted to be with Alec for a really long time, but he couldn't be with him that long in the closet. There was only so much one guy could take. They'd been together over 4 months, Alec had come out to his parents, and it just seemed right that Alec be able to do this. Honestly, Magnus almost felt like they were stuck in their relationship and they were going nowhere. It was like everything had reached this beautiful peak and now there was nothing but plateau in front of them. Magnus wasn't really complaining about the state of their relationship, just the condition of it. Magnus didn't think there was anything wrong in wanting Alec to come out. Anyone else in his position would feel the same way, right?

"I know. And I've been waiting, and I'll keep waiting for you to be ready. I just... I'll tell you honestly, it's hard Alec. I just want to scream it from the rooftops. I want to tell the world how much I love you, and it's so hard not being able to do that."

"Do you think I don't want to do it too?"

"I don't know, do you?" Their gazes met before Alec's faltered and he looked away, focusing on his hands, which were playing unconsciously with the hem of his shirt. Magnus sighed. "Alec, I just need to know how long I'm going to have to wait. How long until you're ready."

"I don't know Magnus." Alec stood up in frustration. "I don't know." He looked back at Magnus in defeat, his face fallen, sadness and frustration painting his features. "Please, just give me time. I know it's not what you want. I know it hurts you. But I just came out to my parents and I need some time to adjust to the thought of coming out to everyone else. I just got over the fear of having my family judge me so just give me some time before it's all out in the open and the rest of the world gets the chance to judge me too. Can't you just give me that time? I promise it won't take me forever; it just won't be today. I'm scared Magnus. You said you understood that."

Magnus watched Alec, feeling his heart fall in his chest. He hadn't wanted to cause that look on Alec's face. He hated knowing that Alec was feeling that way because of him. But he had to say something. Magnus wasn't the kind to just hold his tongue and not speak his mind. If he felt a certain way, he was going to say that. He wasn't going to hold back. The thing is, he knew Alec could do it. He knew he could come out to everyone else and he knew that there was a high chance everything would be okay. Yeah, things were tough in the world for people like them, he'd be lying to Alec if he told him it wasn't a scary place, but it wasn't always as bad as people thought. The hardest part was getting your parents to accept you and the people that cared for you the most. They're the ones that mattered, not the strangers on the street. That was Magnus' philosophy. He didn't give a shit what others thought because he was pretty damn happy as he was. He knew things were different for Alec, but he wanted to hope that things could be okay for him. Magnus didn't hate Alec for not being able to do it, he would never feel that way, he was just frustrated.

"I did." Magnus paused. "I'll wait."

"But not forever."

"As long as I need to."

* * *

Alright, there you go. I hope everyone liked it. Please review and let me know what you think, I'm almost to 300 reviews, which is crazy. Thanks to everyone who helped me get this far, it's amazing. Anyway, I'm off to write the next chapter now which by the way, is Valentine's Day so you're free to make your guesses on what happens between our two little lovebirds then. Anwyay, thanks for reading. Until next time.

Be the change,  
Amber


	23. Unprepared

Chapter 23

Unprepared

Hello everyone! So I'm sorry this took a little bit longer but life got crazy and writing time became less available. You can thank my beta for getting it to me as quickly as she did and for being amazing. Also, thank you all so much for the great reviews on the last chapter. They feed the inspiration and I can't thank you guys enough for the words. Anyway, here's Valentine's Day. I hope you all like it. Enjoy!

* * *

Songs:

Love-Jon McLaughlin

Love Only Knows-Josh Groban

* * *

Alec lay on the couch, his hand brushing at Chairman Meow's fur lazily. Magnus was gone. He had said he had something to do for a class and then he'd be back in time to take them to the movies. It was Valentine's Day. Alec had always hated the holiday. It always made him feel like shit because he thought he'd never be able to celebrate it with someone. But now he had Magnus and things were different. He actually had someone that he cared to spend the day with, and for the first time in his life, he wasn't at home watching some sappy chick flick with a whole tub of ice cream. He was actually going to do something with Magnus. He had skirted around the idea of having dinner, since it was too public for him. He knew it was pathetic, he knew Magnus thought it was pathetic, but it still didn't change anything. After their fight Alec had started thinking more about it. When was he going to be ready? He felt like a coward. Magnus was the proudest person Alec had ever seen and yet Alec had had a problem for years even admitting it to himself. He wanted to come out, but he'd seen what could happen. He saw what Magnus went through every day even if Magnus pretended to not notice it. But he looked at Magnus and saw everything he'd went through, and that gave him courage. Magnus had gone through the worst and Alec was worrying about the simple things. He wanted to do it, he just couldn't bring himself to. But one day. One day he would be able to do it.

There was one other thing that was bugging Alec. Something seemed off about Magnus. Ever since they'd gotten back from the Christmas break, he'd been slightly avoidant and closed off. He had his moments where everything was fine, but sometimes when it got too personal, Magnus would get cold and lock himself away. It wasn't like him to do that. Alec couldn't help but think that it was something he'd done. He knew Magnus wanted to go public with them, but this wasn't the same thing. Magnus just, wasn't Magnus, if that made sense. He was snappy, argumentative, and quick to end conversations that were going in different directions. The fight about going public hadn't been the last one they'd had. They'd fought over little things, things the other did, things that weren't in the right place, just things that turned into bigger fights than they needed to. It hurt. Alec felt like everything he did was becoming a problem. He didn't understand it. One minute they were fine, and it was like overnight, Magnus' mind changed about something. Alec couldn't help but think that maybe the nightmares were coming back. Magnus hadn't been having them for months now, but he could see that Magnus wasn't sleeping and it seemed like a logical explanation.

Now, Alec just hoped they could enjoy their night together. The morning had been lovely, Magnus had bought them breakfast in bed and they had laid there just talking for hours until Magnus had had to go. Hopefully things would be okay.

Alec jumped when his phone vibrated in his pocket. He pulled it out, checking the text message. It was from Magnus.

**what r u doing?**

**nothing. when are you coming back?**

**im not**

**what do you mean?**

**come to the roof**

**the roof? why?**

**just come**

**ok. give me a few minutes.**

The roof? Why the hell did Magnus want him to come to the roof? They were supposed to be going out. Alec got up slowly, Chairman Meow jumping off the couch as he moved. Alec grabbed his coat from the closet, slipping it and his shoes on before heading out. He took the two flights of stairs to the roof, stopping at the door when he heard soft music playing on the other side. What had Magnus done?

Alec opened the door, his eyes catching a sight very similar to the hill on their first date. The roof was lit up, strands of lights intertwining here and there. In the middle of the roof was Magnus, standing next to a small table, two long candles alight at its centre. Magnus wore a sparkly purple vest, and black dress pants, very unlike his typical leather ones. His hair wasn't spiked, but hung in glittered, blue and black strands around his face. His make-up was subtle, his eyes outlined in dark kohl and glitter, his lips a soft pink. He held one single red rose in his manicured hands as he smiled at Alec.

Alec didn't know what to think. It was breathtaking and so reminiscent of that first perfect night they'd spent together. Magnus was beautiful, the candlelight dancing off of him in waves, and Alec felt a rush of lust flow through him. He had been expecting a movie and take out dinner, not a candlelit dinner on the roof of their dorm underneath the stars. This was so much more than Alec had expected, but it was so perfect.

Magnus walked over to him, holding out the rose. "Happy Valentine's Day Alec."

Alec took the rose, sniffing it on impulse. Alec easily distinguished the scent of the rose from the scent of Magnus and he let it overtake his senses. "I thought we were going to the movies," Alec said innocently.

Magnus laughed softly. "We can go to the movies any day. I wanted to do something special."

"I noticed. You could have mentioned in your message for me to wear something nice. I feel underdressed."

"Alec, let's face it, that coat's the nicest thing you own. And besides, you look beautiful no matter what you're wearing." Magnus snaked his arms around Alec's waist, pulling him closer.

"Thanks." Alec bit his lip. "You didn't have to do all this for me. I would have been happy with the movie, really."

Magnus placed a finger to Alec's lips to quiet him. "I wanted to Alec. I know I've been a dick lately."

"Not a dick."

"I've been a dick. And I'm sorry. You deserve better than that. I've just had some things on my mind and I've been taking that out on you. I love you Alec, and I wanted to do something today just for you. And, you can geek out on me too if you please." Magnus pointed to the sky as he teased Alec with a smile.

Alec laughed. "I think I'll refrain from geeking out tonight."

"Damn it. You're so cute when you do." They both just smiled, a few seconds passing between them. "Do you like it?"

"I love it." Alec looked up at Magnus. "I love you. Even when you're being a dick."

Magnus grinned. "Yeah, that's because you like my dick."

"Magnus!"

"I'm sorry. That was just too perfect to not say anything." Magnus sobered, meeting Alec's gaze. He placed a soft kiss to his lips before taking his empty hand to lead him over to the table. He pulled out Alec's chair, motioning for him to sit down. Alec sat down as he watched Magnus take the seat across from him. "So we've got spaghetti and..."

"Spaghetti? Really Magnus?"

"What? Don't look at me like that."

"How many more movie fantasies do you have that we're going to have to re-enact?"

Magnus appeared in thought for a few seconds before he answered. "12. Wait, no. There is that other one involving the whip cream. Okay. 13."

Alec groaned at the thought. "I'm not doing them."

"Come on darling. Please? And it's Lady and the Tramp. It's such a classic Disney movie."

"Honestly, I hated the Lady and the Tramp."

"You've really got a thing for Disney movies don't you? You hate Lady and the Tramp, you've always had a crush on Prince Philip, you think the Lion King was an unrealistic interpretation of the essence of Hamlet, you cry during Bambi..."

"You said you'd never mention that again." Alec grew red underneath the candlelight.

"Did I? Oops. I must have forgotten that." Magnus shrugged, faking innocence.

"I hate you."

"Now that's just being mean. I do all of this for you and you say you hate me. I'm offended Alec, really. All I wanted to do was eat a bowl of spaghetti with you where somehow we happened to get the same piece and..."

"Okay, okay. Can we just eat?" Alec rolled his eyes at Magnus, smiling at how comfortable and amazing this felt. They were arguing about Disney movie re-enactments on top of their roof on Valentine's Day. Not too many people could say they'd done that.

"If you insist." Magnus removed the cover from the spaghetti at the centre of the table and at that moment, Alec's stomach growled. He hadn't noticed how hungry he was until that moment and he almost didn't care if by some miracle they repeated the scene from Lady and the Tramp. Alec knew the likelihood that it would happen was slim and he was perfectly okay with that. Magnus' obsession with movie scenes was amusing, to say the least.

* * *

Alec and Magnus stood at the edge of the roof, looking out over the campus below them. Magnus' arms were wrapped around Alec's waist, the February air nipping at their skin. It had been warmer earlier that night but the air had grown cold as the hours passed and the night slipped into the next day. The night had been perfect, so much better than Magnus had planned. Unfortunately he hadn't gotten his Lady and the Tramp re-enactment that he'd wanted, but that was the only thing that had gone wrong with the night. They'd talked for hours, topic after topic slipping by with each passing second. They'd held each other, kissed, and just made sure the other knew how much they loved them. Magnus had never been a big fan of Valentine's Day, but now that he had a real reason to celebrate it, well, he wasn't complaining one bit. Being able to spend a night like this with Alec was the kind of thing that lightened his dreams at night. It was knowing that he had Alec to wake up to in the morning that made the thought of getting through the night bearable.

The dreams hadn't gone away. Some nights he saw his father telling him he was going to hurt Alec, other nights he saw himself doing just that. He tried so hard to ignore them, but they plagued each and every hour of his day. He just couldn't bring himself to brush away the fear of hurting Alec, and so he had grown cold to Alec over the past few weeks. There were just certain moments where it became too much. His heart would start beating faster and his lungs would fight for breath. His only way to make it stop was to push Alec away. He didn't want to do it, but he couldn't stop himself. He wanted Alec and he didn't want to mess it up. He just needed time to work out the dreams and the fears, and hopefully it wouldn't take him so long that he pushed Alec too far away. He knew he should probably just tell Alec how he was feeling, but it wasn't that easy. Magnus didn't voice his fears to anyone, hell, he didn't even voice them to himself. He just repressed them until they took him over, like they were doing now.

But Magnus was resolving himself to change. Alec deserved better than what he was getting from him. He had wanted to make this night perfect for Alec. It was the night where he could apologize for what he was doing and a night that they could both just forget about everything else. It was a night where they could just be with each other, no one else, no fears... nothing.

"What are you thinking about?"

"How I always used to hate Valentine's Day."

"And how do you feel about it now?"

Alec looked up into Magnus' eyes. "I've found no reason to complain."

"I'll take it you enjoyed the night."

Alec turned around in Magnus' arms to face the man. "I loved it. And I'm sorry you didn't get your Lady and the Tramp moment."

Magnus shrugged. "There will be hundreds of more times in the future for me to try again." Magnus smiled as he saw a snowflake land on the tip of Alec's nose. "It's snowing."

Alec looked up, another snowflake falling on his bottom lip. Magnus fought the urge to lick it off. Alec placed his hands in the air, letting the snowflakes fall on his upturned palms. He smiled widely and Magnus couldn't help but find Alec's actions completely adorable.

"Thankfully it's not enough for you to drop on my head."

Magnus laughed. "There might be in the morning."

"If you dare."

"Hey, you mentioned it."

Alec groaned as he shivered.

Magnus wrapped his arms tighter around Alec, snuggling their bodies closer together. Magnus had to admit, there was one downside to his idea about the rooftop; it was cold. He didn't know whose bright idea it was to place Valentine's Day in February, but whoever it was was an idiot and lived in a warm climate. Why not May or June or something? Those months forecasted for warmer nights than February did. Magnus wasn't exactly complaining about how close he was to Alec, he was savouring that condition, but nonetheless, he hated the cold. And he knew Alec hated it even more. The boy had a terrible heating and cooling problem. Magnus felt Alec shiver beneath him and he pulled him closer. "What do you say we go back to the dorm before you freeze that cute little ass off?"

Alec blushed a deeper red then his flushed cheeks already were. "Okay. But shouldn't we clean this up?"

"I'll take care of it tomorrow. For now I have an image in my head of you and me naked in a bed and that's all I care about."

Alec just looked at Magnus, which was a first since Magnus typically received a light punch or his name said in an extreme warning when he said anything that even implied sex. Yeah, Magnus would not be complaining one bit if he could end the night with Alec naked underneath him, but the day had been amazing enough for Magnus to just be happy if they fell asleep side by side.

"Magnus..." There was something in Alec's voice that caught Magnus off guard. It wasn't Alec's normal tone and there was something swimming in his eyes, something Magnus couldn't quite figure out.

"Don't say things like that. I got it Alec. I was just kidding," Magnus said lightly.

"I think I'm ready."

"Now come on, before we... what?"

Alec looked up at Magnus through snow-covered eyelashes. "I'm ready." He bit his lip nervously as his hands played with the hem of his coat.

Magnus' heart just about shot out of his chest at that moment. He was ready. Those words were music to Magnus' ears, sparking every nerve and fibre in Magnus' being. He knew sex wasn't everything, but Magnus was a sexual being and he'd been thinking about getting Alec naked since the first moment he'd seen him. And this was a step; a beautiful, lovely, God send of a step. He honestly hadn't thought this night could be any better, but this was the icing on the cake. His need to have Alec was growing almost unbearable and it was getting harder and harder to refrain from jumping him every second of the day. He'd never felt such an attraction to someone as he did for Alec.

"Are you sure?" As much as Magnus wanted to have sex with Alec, he wasn't going to take the boy's virginity if Alec wasn't honestly sure that he was ready. He didn't want Alec to feel pressured or like he had to do it for Magnus. He wanted Alec to do it because he wanted to do it, not because Magnus it.

Alec nodded. "I want to Magnus."

"Alec, I don't want you to feel pressured or..."

"Just shut up."

Magnus did just that.

Alec leaned in closer to Magnus, placing a soft kiss to his lips, flicking out his tongue to lick off a lone snowflake. That small action shot straight to Magnus' centre, setting a fire to Magnus' freezing skin. "I want to make love to you," Alec said softly. "I want you. Every single part of you." He said each word separately, drawing out the sentence so that it tortured Magnus.

"Well fuck, when you put it that way." Magnus grinned, sweeping Alec into his arms.

Alec's arms locked around Magnus' neck. "Magnus what are you doing?"

"As much as I'd love to take you now darling, I've never really liked having sex on rooftops. They're more for the romantic dinner beforehand, not the dirty sexy escapades later on."

"You've had sex on a rooftop?" Alec asked incredulously.

"Well technically no." Magnus laughed at the look in Alec's eyes. "A story for another time." He placed a kiss to Alec's lips before walking off the rooftop, down the steps, and into their dorm room. He dropped Alec lightly on the ground before shutting the door behind him. He turned to look at Alec. There was a fire in his eyes but the boy held himself uncomfortably. Magnus knew just how to make him relax.

...

Magnus pulled Alec into his arms, crushing their lips together. Alec relaxed a bit beneath his hands, leaning deeper into the kiss. Magnus moved his hands to take off Alec's coat as Alec's hands worked the buttons of Magnus' shirt. Alec let Magnus pull his shirt off, letting the warm air sooth his frigid, yet burning skin. Alec slipped Magnus' shirt over his shoulders as Magnus' hands moved to Alec's belt. It was then that a coherent thought finally slipped through Alec's frenzied brain. The reality of everything hit him in that quick second. He had said he was ready. He was. He wanted Magnus as he had never wanted him before. He didn't know what it was that had changed within him but it was something that suddenly sparked this need in him that wouldn't go away. The words had just come out and he hadn't wanted to take them back. He had meant them. He was ready.

But he was scared.

No surprise there. He was always scared.

"Wait."

Magnus looked up at Alec, a look of worry in his eyes. "Am I going too fast? I'm sorry."

Alec let out a deep breath. "I just need to slow down."

"We can do that." Magnus moved his hands away from Alec's belt to his hips, wrapping his hands around Alec's waist, pulling him closer. "Just tell me what you want and I'll do it. If you want me to stop, I'll stop. This is all up to you Alec."

Alec took a deep breath, letting the warm air flow through him. It was then that something inside him just clicked and it all came together. This was his chance to not be a coward with Magnus. This was his chance to not be scared of taking a step, his chance to give something to Magnus.

"I want to do this."

Magnus smiled. "Okay. But this is a big deal Alec. Don't do this if you don't want to."

"I want to." Alec sighed. "I love you and I trust you Magnus. I want to do this with you. I just... I don't know how and I don't want to do something wrong and..."

"Hey, shh. You won't do anything wrong. It's like what I've always told you with this kind of thing. Just do what feels right. We'll take it slow. If it's too much you tell me and I'll stop. I won't do anything you don't like."

"Okay."

"Okay? Does that mean yes you're ready and you'll let me work you over till you're weak and limping..."

Alec laughed, placing a finger to Magnus' lips. "Yes. It means yes."

Magnus smiled, leaning down to take Alec's lips once again, starting off soft before deepening the kiss. He moved his hands back to Alec's belt, slipping it through the loops before undoing the zipper. Alec undid Magnus' zipper, sliding Magnus' pants off of his hips as his own pants and boxers fell to the ground.

Magnus pulled Alec closer, their hips rubbing together. A fiery shiver raced through Alec's nerves and any thoughts of what he was doing went out the window in a mess of incoherent thoughts. He couldn't even think about how scared he was with the way Magnus was holding him, each inch of their bodies in direct contact with each other.

Alec gasped as Magnus's hands grabbed his thighs lifting his legs to wrap around his hips. Magnus took the few steps to the bed, dropping Alec on the covers, his own body following after to lay over top of Alec. Magnus pulled away from Alec's lips, meeting his gaze. "Are you sure you're ready?"

"Yes." Their lips met again as Alec's hands moved to Magnus' neck, his fingers entwining themselves in the long damp strands of Magnus' hair. His heart beat quickly in his chest, he could feel it against his skin beating in line with Magnus' own racing heart. He could feel their bodies mould together, each inch of Alec's being forming an electric connection with Magnus'.

Alec's lips opened, offering entrance to Magnus' tongue, letting it dip into each inch of Alec's mouth, eliciting a moan from him. Alec felt Magnus' hands move down his torso, his long fingers massaging each muscle slowly as they worked their way to Alec's hips and lower. Alec suddenly tensed, knowing perfectly well what came next.

"Baby, relax. It'll hurt more if you tense like this."

Alec nodded, letting his eyes slide shut as he took a deep breath trying to relax his body.

Alec watched as Magnus leaned over to the bedside table, opened the drawer and withdrew a tube of lube. He flipped open the cap, squeezing a small amount onto two of his fingers. He discarded the tube back on the table as he moved back to Alec. Their gazes met and Alec gave himself over to Magnus in that simple little connection. His eyes spoke to Magnus just how much he trusted him and Magnus' eyes spoke all the reassurance and love Alec needed.

He gasped against Magnus' lips as Magnus slid one finger in. It was uncomfortable, a foreign feeling to Alec's body.

"Did I hurt you?" Magnus asked, panicked. "Is it too much?"

"I'm okay," Alec said breathlessly.

Magnus' face softened as he circled his finger around slowly, smoothing out the muscles. Alec couldn't quite describe the feeling. It was foreign but it felt right. It hurt and it felt uncomfortable but there was something about it that gave Alec complete bliss. Alec rolled his hips against Magnus' finger, pushing him in further. Despite the pain, Alec couldn't deny his need for Magnus, a need that was dying to be satisfied. Magnus continued to circle his finger around, eliciting a moan from Alec's lips.

"Magnus... more," Alec said against his lips, trying to form coherent words. He just wanted him. He wanted to take it slow, but his body was aching to feel more of Magnus inside of him.

Magnus inserted another finger, pulling his lips away from Alec's, resting their foreheads together. He circled his two fingers around, loosening Alec's tight muscles. Alec took in another deep intake of breath, the pain intensifying. He bit his lip, his eyes closing. He felt Magnus' other hand on the side of his face, his thumb tracing circles on Alec's skin. "Just breathe. It'll make it easier."

Alec let out another breath, trying to steady his breathing. The pain was unlike anything Alec had experienced before, but it was a good pain, a pain that sent Alec flying. Alec opened his eyes, meeting Magnus'. They swam with the same feeling that pumped through Alec's veins, a feeling of ecstasy and bliss and raw untrained need.

Magnus worked his fingers around for a few minutes, before removing them. Alec let out a sound of protest against the removal but knew the empty feeling wouldn't last long.

Magnus straightened a bit, looking down at Alec. "Are you still okay?"

Alec nodded. He couldn't thank Magnus enough for taking this slow. It was perfect, everything sliding into place just the way it should be.

Magnus grabbed the lube, placing a small amount onto the palm of his hand. He placed the tube back, moving his attention back to Alec. He rubbed his hands together before lathering the liquid onto his erection.

"Baby, just relax. It's okay. Just breathe." He placed a soft kiss to Alec's lips, removing Alec's bottom lip from his teeth, nipping it with his own, before pulling back. Magnus placed a hand under Alec's left knee, pulling Alec's leg up and crooking it over his hip. He placed himself at Alec's entrance, and Alec felt himself clench up. He took a deep breath, trying to relax. He trusted Magnus. Looking in Magnus' eyes he saw everything that they meant to each other and everything that this meant to them. Alec was giving himself over to Magnus, giving him a part of himself that he could never get back. But he loved Magnus and so this whole thing just felt right. Nothing had ever felt so perfect. Magnus and him just fit together and Alec just couldn't see himself where he was with anyone else. It seemed like Magnus was the one he was waiting for his whole life; that this moment was waiting for Magnus.

Alec gasped in pain as he felt Magnus enter him. God, it hurt. It was nothing like Alec had expected, nothing he could have prepared himself for. He tried to breathe like Magnus had said, trying to let the hot air relax his body. In. Out. He tried to let the air work through the pain, smoothing out his muscles.

Alec knew Magnus hadn't even gone an inch or two in when he stopped. Alec felt Magnus' hand caress his face, his thumb tracing over Alec's heated skin.

"Are you okay baby? I won't go any further if you don't want me to."

Alec took a deep breath, waiting a few seconds. "Do it Magnus. Just... go slow. Please."

Alec prepared himself, forcing his muscles to relax around Magnus. It was hard, but he did it.

Magnus pushed in further slowly and Alec clenched his jaw at the pain. Magnus moved slow, taking each inch carefully. Alec's hands wound themselves in Magnus' hair, holding Magnus near to him. Alec's eyes were closed, his body taking in the pain and the experience, letting it fill him up. He felt Magnus's hips hit the back of his thighs. Magnus' length filled him, and an unfamiliar rush shot through him. Sparks lit up behind his eyes, both at the pain and at the pleasure of having Magnus inside him. His breathing was laboured, his eyes shut as he let the feelings envelop every part of his being. The feeling of being completely under Magnus' control, completely consumed by him, was exhilarating.

Magnus leaned down, capturing Alec's lips. Alec let himself finally relax, giving himself completely to Magnus. This was the other side of love-the physical, raw and unhidden side of love where your whole body and soul were laid out naked for the other person to see. This was the side of love Alec had been scared of, but now, now he knew it was beautiful.

Magnus pulled away softly. "Is this okay?"

Alec finally opened his eyes, allowing himself to see Magnus. His hair hung in wet strands around his face and his eyes were wild with the emotion of the situation. But in them was the love he shared for Alec. Alec could see how worried he was that he was going to hurt Alec, that he was going too far. He could see it in his eyes, feel it in his touch, and hear it in his voice, just how much this act meant to him and just how much Alec meant to him. Alec smiled, softly, pushing the pain aside. "It's fine... It's okay."

"Do you want me to stop?"

"No... don't stop. More Magnus. Please." His voice was barely a whisper as Alec got lost in the feeling of Magnus inside of him. He wanted more. He didn't care about the pain, he just wanted Magnus; all of him. Alec rolled his hips against Magnus, a small cry of joy escaping Magnus' lips. Alec met Magnus' eyes. He brushed a wet strand of hair behind Magnus' ear, wanting a closer look at those eyes that he had fallen so in love with. "Make love to me Magnus. I want you…all of you."

"Whatever you want, it's yours." Magnus met Alec's lips, pulling Alec from reality as he lost touch with everything but the feeling of Magnus' body with his. Magnus pulled out slowly, only a few inches, but that was enough. Alec bit his lip as Magnus pulled away from his lips. They just looked at each other. Nothing needed to be said anymore. They just knew.

Magnus pushed back in, letting a wave of lust rush through Alec as their hips rocked together. Magnus pulled out again, just as slowly as before, but this time further. He pushed back in slowly, moulding Alec to him. He continued to do this, each time increasing his pace, until Alec no longer felt the pain but the pleasure of the experience. Alec's hips rocked against Magnus' in his need, asking for more. He heard Magnus moan in pleasure as each thrust grew in strength. Each touch, each movement, was full of passion and love and Alec couldn't have imagined anything more perfect, anyone more perfect.

"Oh God! More Magnus."

Their eyes met and Alec could see it in Magnus' eyes just how much this moment meant to him. His eyes were soft, understanding, and in the connection of their gaze, the feeling of love sparked between them. They didn't need to say it but they both knew it. Alec knew it in each syllable of Magnus' words, in the soft caress of his hands on his skin, and in the way Magnus took this slow, giving the moment over to Alec's control.

Magnus increased his pace as Alec felt himself grow used to the feelings and the actions, moving with Magnus as Magnus moved with him. Their bodies became one, everything moulding together into one perfect, unbreakable piece. Alec knew words were escaping his lips, but he knew nothing of what they were, his thoughts a heated scramble of words.

"Fuck!" Alec screamed out as Magnus hit his prostate rolling his hips into the stroke and sending Alec over the edge. If he thought he was flying before, that was nothing compared to what he was feeling now. His muscles contracted around Magnus, his body shaking as the feeling whipped through him, sending his body into a complete stage of ecstasy. "More... plea-please..." The rest was lost; nothing but Magnus mattering.

Magnus increased his strokes, giving Alec more with each passing second. It felt like hours passed by, each of them drowning in the feel of the other. Alec gave himself over to Magnus, letting him ride him into oblivion.

"Magnus, I'm going to..." The rest was lost in Alec's breathing, slipping off his tongue in a tangled mess. His thoughts were scrambled, lost with each second that passed.

"Me too baby." Magnus captured Alec's lost words with his lips as he pushed in once more, driving in deep just as Alec released, a warm feeling rushing through every part of his body. Magnus released at the same time, driving Alec to an even higher point of ecstasy as he felt Magnus come inside of him. His muscles contracted, his whole body shaking as the pleasure rode through every fibre of his being.

Alec let out a deep breath as his whole body went limp. His heart beat quickly in his chest as he fought to gain control of his breathing. Above him Magnus did the same, his body limp as he tried to support himself on both hands. Alec met Magnus' gaze and they both smiled lazily, laying there in comfortable silence as the rush of the moment passed by and they fought to gain control of reality again.

Minutes passed between them, each of them just staying there trying to regain their breath and the ground beneath their feet. Alec felt Magnus leave him as he moved to lay next to Alec. Alec turned over to face him, their gazes meeting. The love they felt for each other passed between them and the gravity of what just happened finally passed over Alec. He had just had sex with Magnus. He had finally just given in, telling his fears to screw off, while trusting his heart. It felt amazing. Alec had never felt so happy in his life.

"Are you okay?" Magnus asked breathlessly.

"I'm... amazing."

Magnus smiled, moving his hand to brush a stray strand of Alec's hair behind his ear. His hand lingered there, his thumb tracing softly over Alec's skin. "So, was it a good Valentine's Day?"

"Best one I've ever had."

"I would hope so, since all your Valentine's Days have been spent watching chick flicks and eating a tub of ice cream."

Alec laughed. "I like to consider it the first of many amazing days to come."

Magnus smiled. "I think I can work with that."

"I love you Magnus."

"I love you too Alec."

And with that they fell asleep, Alec moving so that Magnus' arms were wrapped around him. They remained that way all night and well into the morning. Alec dreamt of a future with Magnus where he'd faced all his fears and everything was just as perfect as that day had been. Magnus dreamt of nothing. But dreaming of nothing was Magnus' way of dreaming of Alec. Nothing was a reprieve from the nightmares and the memories. Nothing was how Magnus dreamed the beautiful and perfect things in his life.

Nothing was how Magnus dreamed of a life with Alec. A life where he loved him, cared for him and never, ever hurt him.

Nothing was how Magnus dreamed of what could be and what he could have.

Nothing was beautiful.

Nothing in his dreams meant everything to Magnus.

Everything was Alec.

* * *

So...how was it? This chapter took me forever to write until it felt right to me, so I hope it came out okay. Alec finally took that step and I think we can all be happy for him here. Review and let me know what you think. But, so you all know, things won't remain so fluffy and happy between our two boys forever. There's still a lot more to come. Anyway, thanks so much for reading and I can't say when the next update will be. I'll try for next week but we'll see what happens since life's pretty crazy right now and I have to start studying for exams next week. Again, thanks for reading and I love you guys.  
Be the change,  
Amber


	24. Unforgettable

Chapter 24

Unforgettable

* * *

Hello everyone! I'm sorry this took so long to update but life got crazy. School hasn't given me a break with school, plus I've had exams, and then there was a death in the family. But I'm here now and you can thank my wonderful beta for getting the back to me so quickly. Also, thank you all so much for the wonderful reviews last chapter, you have no idea how happy they made me.

Anyway, warning, this chapter is darker and will give you an insight into what it is that's been haunting Magnus. I hope you all like it and please enjoy. Thanks for reading!

* * *

Songs:

Breakeven-The Script

Choking on the Concrete-Greg Holden

World So Cold-Three Days Grace

* * *

Magnus' hand moved effortlessly over the page, each line flowing out of him, an extension of his hand. White became black, line after line forming one after the other, coming together in perfect harmony.

Magnus looked down at his subject, who was smiling in his sleep, his chest rising and falling peacefully. Magnus smiled to himself, remembering the night before. If there had ever been a perfect night in Magnus' life, it had been that night. Everything had gone better than Magnus could have planned. He had expected dinner and some snuggling afterwards where they fell asleep in each other's arms, not dinner then sex before falling asleep in each other's arms. And the sex, well... Magnus had to say that for a virgin, the boy had been amazing. It meant so much to him that Alec had taken this step with him. He knew Alec was nervous the whole time, scared of doing something wrong but nonetheless, the weight of the night didn't escape Magnus. Alec had given him his virginity, a part of him that Magnus knew he was scared of giving up. Alec had trusted him, had let him lead the way and that felt amazing to him, to know that he trusted him enough to lead him through that. He'd taken it slow, not wanting to do anything Alec wouldn't like. Magnus remembered his first time and it wasn't anything relatively memorable so he wanted to make it memorable for Alec. He wanted Alec to look back on the moment with happiness and not sadness and regret as he did. He wanted to treasure Alec, to make him feel like the most important thing in Magnus' world**. **He wanted to give him everything, and he thought he'd done a good job in that. Alec hadn't been complaining so he took that as a good sign.

Magnus felt Alec shift beside him in waking. He smiled, dropping his pencil on the half finished drawing of Alec. "Morning."

Alec's eyes fluttered open lazily, his lips parting in a smile as their eyes met. "Morning."

"Sleep good?"

"Never better." Their eyes met, a few comfortable seconds passing between them. The memory of last night flashed though Magnus, each touch, each emotion playing through him with heated intensity. He just hoped it had been for Alec as it had been for him. He hoped he'd given Alec everything he'd wanted. Magnus had had sex with his fair share of people, he'd admit that, but it had never been anything but physical pleasure for him. With Alec, it was so much more than that. With Alec he wanted to love him with each touch, with each breath and movement. Where Alec had given his body over to Magnus' control, Magnus had given Alec his heart, handing him the strings to make it beat as he pleased. Alec held his heart as no one had before. Alec was the reason it beat, the reason it felt anything.

"Thank you, for last night."

"Anything for you." He leaned down, kissing Alec's forehead lightly. "How are you feeling?"

"Sore, but good." Alec said innocently.

Magnus laughed. "That'll get better. First time's always the hardest."

"Yeah?" The word was slightly lost as Alec's eyes slipped shut as he tried to fight off the remaining tendrils of sleep. When Magnus was up, he was up, but with Alec, sleep liked to tag along for a little bit before he was awake enough to notice anything, which was why he hadn't yelled at Magnus for drawing him yet. What? Magnus couldn't resist. Alec had looked so serene and beautiful in his sleep that Magnus' hands were itching with need. He drew Alec a lot, both from memory and in situations like this where Alec had no idea he was doing it. Next to his mother, he never really stuck to drawing one specific subject, but Alec fascinated him, had fascinated him from that first moment at the tree. He loved the slight dip of Alec's nose, the sharp curve of his jaw, the etched muscles beneath his skin, and the beautiful colour of his eyes. Magnus always saved his eyes for last, finding he could never get them right. Magnus had never had problems capturing something but there was something about the deep, captivating set of Alec's eyes that Magnus just couldn't figure out. He'd drawn them, but he'd come to the conclusion that he'd never get them right. Alec's eyes were too perfect to capture, a drawing doing nothing for them.

Alec opened his eyes as he sat up. The blanket slipped off his chest to pool at his waist. Magnus fought the temptation to remove the blanket completely for the sake of his need and his unfinished drawing, but he refrained.

"Magnus." Alec glared at him and Magnus couldn't help but laugh. "Why are you drawing me?"

"Because you're beautiful and I like to," Magnus said simply.

"I'm not beautiful." Alec crossed his arms over his naked chest. Magnus found Alec's defiance of his looks adorable, but at the same time he wished Alec could see what he saw. Despite the fact Alec's whole wardrobe was black, brown, and loose fitting, Magnus still found him beautiful, especially without any clothes on. What Alec didn't notice was that he was naturally beautiful. Magnus worked to look good, Alec just was.

"You are in every single way. Even when you wear those hideous holey sweaters you won't let me throw away."

"They are not hideous."

"Alec baby, they're hideous. Which is why, if one of them just happens to rip in half when I'm tearing it off of you in the throes of passion, it was completely an accident. I did not do it on purpose."

Alec rolled his eyes. "You know you're just going to have to suck it up and deal with my clothing choices right?"

"Unfortunately, I know, but I'm still hoping I can change your mind one day. But, I'm definitely not complaining about your clothing choice right now." Magnus grinned, raising an eyebrow at Alec.

"I'm not wearing... oh." Alec blushed slightly, pulling the blanket up closer around his hips.

"Yeah." Magnus set his sketchpad on the table next to him, not wanting anything between him and Alec anymore. He leaned forward, capturing Alec's lips with his. The kiss was soft, speaking enough to them that it didn't need to be anything more.

Magnus pulled away lightly, resting his forehead with Alec's. "Never forget how beautiful you are."

"How could I? You don't seem to want to let me forget."

"Nope." He rubbed his nose with Alec's, pulling away to look at him. He stood up, letting the blankets fall from his hips, leaving him naked in front of Alec. He smiled as Alec's eyes trailed over him. Magnus loved that Alec was becoming more comfortable with things like this. Magnus had always been slightly selfconscious about his body, given the scaring. He'd never admit it, but where he knew the rest of his body was perfect, the skin under his clothes was not. But Alec made Magnus forget his insecurities about his scars, his hands tracing over them softly, just like they were another part of his skin. For once Magnus didn't care anymore. His scars were a part of him and he didn't care if Alec saw them anymore. He knew the truth and he hadn't judged him. He'd just loved him, physical and emotional scars included.

"Like what you see?" Magnus raised an eyebrow, forcing a blush to Alec's cheeks. God, he would never get tired of seeing that. It was tiny little motions such as that ever present blush that turned Magnus on. Alec would never realize it, but he did enough to Magnus just sitting there doing nothing.

"Yeah."

Magnus grinned. "Come take a shower with me."

Magnus caught the hesitation in Alec's face, just as he had expected. "Magnus, I..."

"Just a shower Alec. I think we've both had enough for a few days, don't you think?"

Alec bit his lip but Magnus saw the change in his face that said he agreed. "Okay." Alec stood up, letting the blanket fall discarded on the bed.

Magnus smiled, taking Alec's hand with his, and leading him into the bathroom. He turned on the shower head, ensuring this time that it was at a realistic heat that wouldn't burn them both. He pulled Alec into the tiny shower, letting the water pound on his back. He slipped his arms around Alec's waist, pulling him into his arms, letting the water sooth his muscles and wash away all his worries. Alec buried his head in the crook of Magnus' shoulder and they just stood there, connected both physically and emotionally. Their hearts beat together in unison, pumping softly with each passing second. All Magnus could hear was the water, Alec's heart, and Alec's breathing, all of which washed over his body in perfect harmony.

Alec pulled away, grabbing the shampoo from the shelf behind him. He opened the cap, squeezing some onto his palm. The smell of cinnamon and apples filled Magnus' nose as Alec's hands went to his hair. Magnus gave himself over, letting the soft, familiar feel of Alec's hands work their way through his hair. After the night before it was nice to just be together this way. Neither of them said a word, letting their hands work over each other's bodies. But this wasn't about pleasuring the other person, this was about holding them and just being with them.

As Magnus returned the favour to Alec, their eyes met, speaking everything that needed to be said. They loved each other. There was no denying that, no running away from it. Magnus couldn't imagine himself where he was with anyone else; he didn't even want to imagine himself with anyone else. He just wanted Alec. Magnus felt like Alec was the person he'd been waiting for his whole life and there would be nothing for him if he ever lost Alec.

Magnus pulled Alec against him, burying his head in Alec's hair, breathing in the scent of him, letting it fill him up. "I love you Alec. Forever and ever." The last part was sort of lost as Magnus' voice faded to a whisper, those words echoing with the voice of his past. He didn't know if Alec caught that part but it didn't matter because Magnus would say it again, over and over, for as long as he needed to.

"I love you too Magnus."

Magnus smiled, letting those words sink in and take him over.

* * *

Alec had had to run off and work on some project with Anna, leaving Magnus alone in the dorm, bored and finding no ability to focus on his essay at hand. He set his textbook down on his bed, falling back to stare at the ceiling. He sighed, finally letting his mind wander. He'd tried not to let it. A few weeks had passed now since Alec had given himself over to him and things had been good for Magnus. He'd gone a few days without the nightmares and he'd even been able to forget about his fears. It was like Alec was able to make him forget, but now that he wasn't physically with Alec, it wasn't so easy to just forget. The nightmares were coming back and his fears were resurfacing. His mind was beginning to feel like it was involved in the most intense game of tug-of-war ever. One part of his brain, helped along with his heart, was telling him that he loved Alec and he wanted to be with him forever, but that other part of his brain was saying he'd hurt Alec and it was better if he just left him. But he couldn't leave him. Alec had given him everything and there in Magnus' brain it was telling him to dump what Alec had given him in the trash and walk away. Magnus didn't want to do that, he wouldn't. But he couldn't deny his fears. They lived with him. They were with him during each waking breath and each hour he spent asleep. It was the story of his life, and now it was all catching up to him. Apparently there was only so far that you could run from your past and your fears before they come up behind and bit you in the ass.

Magnus closed his eyes, hoping for all hope that there was a chance he could fall asleep and his father wouldn't be there. Magnus' waking life was easy to avoid his father. The man had been locked up in New York Penitentiary for 8 years, serving a life sentence. Magnus didn't go see him. He got two letters from his father a year, one on his birthday and one on the anniversary of his mother's death. He hadn't gotten one this year and he took that as a blessing. He didn't read the letters, instead burning them or throwing them in the trash. He didn't care what the man had to say and could care less if he ever saw or heard from him ever again. Magnus would actually have been happier knowing the man was six feet under, rather than six miles away. He couldn't believe he actually had the balls to send him something, thinking he would even care to read it. He hated him; there was no fluent, articulate way to express how he felt about his father, other than that he hated him and wanted to see the man rot in hell.

Magnus felt himself slipping into sleep when his phone vibrated next to him. His heart flew in his chest at the thought that it might be Alec, but fell when he saw the number. Unknown.

Magnus hit the talk button, putting the phone to his ear. "Hello?"

"Hello, is this Magnus Bane?" The voice belonged to a woman and sounded almost rehearsed.

"Speaking," Magnus said coldly.

"Mr. Bane, I'm calling from New York General Hospital in regards to your father."

Magnus felt his heart skip a beat, his breath catching in his throat. With the mention of his father, his whole life came crashing back down over him. The pain, the memories, the fears, all of it, came down on him like an avalanche. His whole body froze, everything suddenly feeling like it had stopped working. Not once had he been contacted about his father and he had believed he would never have to see him or hear from him again. So what was this? What did a hospital want with his father? The man was in prison, and for damn good reason.

"Mr. Bane, are you still there?"

Magnus hadn't noticed that he hadn't answered her. He had been too lost in the feelings hearing about his father brought up that he had forgotten about everything else.

"I'm still here." Magnus took a deep breath. "Why are calling me about my father?"

"Because he was just transferred here from the Penitentiary yesterday."

"Transferred?" If the shock of hearing about his father had been bad, this was worse. His heart literally stopped as each scar on his body started to burn. He had started living in this perfect world where he'd never see his father again, and now it was shattering around him, cutting his skin as his father had.

"Yes Mr. Bane. Your father has advanced stage 4 liver cancer. He has a month to live." Her voice was robotic, like she was reading each word off a piece of paper. But Magnus let her words sink in, taking them in with each passing second, and feeling a sense of joy break through the pain inside of him. The son of a bitch was dying and only had a month to live.

Magnus couldn't help but laugh, letting the euphoria of this knowledge overtake him. It was almost poetic. Liver cancer. Magnus always knew his father's drinking would catch up to him and now it was going to take his life, a life he never deserved in the first place.

"Mr. Bane, are you laughing?"

"Yes. Yes I am." And he couldn't be happier. The man was finally getting what he deserved and Magnus could only hope that it was painful.

"Mr. Bane, this is your father we're talking about."

"Yes, and am I supposed to care?"

"Mr. Bane..."

"Look lady, I don't really care. Honestly, this is exactly what the man deserved. Thanks for calling. Goodbye." Magnus moved to hang up the phone.

"Mr. Bane, there's more."

Magnus stopped. "More?"

"Your father was the one who asked that we call you. He wants to see you."

The laughter died just as fast as the happiness had overtaken him. A darkness slipped over everything around him and Magnus felt himself falling, the floor slipping out from underneath him. _He wants to see you. _No. No, he didn't get to see him. He didn't have that right. God, the fact he had even thought to ask. Anger ripped through Magnus' veins and the pencil that was in his hands snapped between his fingers. Everything came crashing back.

_To love is to destroy._

No.

_You're a disgrace. A fucking abomination. Things like you should rot in hell._

He tried to push the memories away, to fight through the pain that was overtaking his body.

_You're worthless. Just like your mother. _

Magnus' knuckles turned white around his phone and Magnus fought the urge to throw it across the room. But he was frozen, stuck in place by his past that was gripping him in dark bloody hands.

_I should have killed you._

"Tell him he can rot in hell." Magnus hit the end button, dropping his phone on his bed. He was shaking, sweat dripping from his skin. He grabbed his knees, pulling his legs to his chest as he tried to block out the pain. He rocked back and forth, the pain ripping though him. Everything around him shattered. His perfect world he'd created became a war torn valley of rubble, stretching for miles around him. He didn't think the mention of his father could bring all this back, but here it was playing over his eyes with perfect clarity.

...

_The night was dark, lightning striking the charged particles of the air. Everything was quiet, even the thunder a distant noise to Magnus' ears. He was caught in the soft fingers of sleep, letting them rock him into darkness. Dreams started to come, figures dancing in front of his eyes, their words distant in Magnus' brain as he lost himself in the silence. _

_He knew his mother was in her room, trying to get some sleep just like him before his father got home. They both knew what was to come. It had become routine, the story of their lives. Magnus could still feel the sting of his father's hands from a few nights before, the bruises only barely fading on his broken skin. He knew his mother was worse. She wouldn't say anything to him or even show that she was hurting, but he knew. He knew what he did to her when Magnus wasn't there. _

_He couldn't understand how she was always smiling around him after the nights they had. She was always happy, catering to Magnus' every need. He never asked for anything, but she always found something to do for him. She said he was her little angel, her gift from heaven. She never faltered around him and Magnus admired her for her strength and courage, praying that he could only have half of what she had._

_Visions of his mother slipped into his dreams, but quickly disappeared when he heard the front door slam shut. He could hear water hitting the hardwood floors as his father threw his jacket on __its regular hook._

"_Elaine!" Magnus heard him sit down in his regular chair, his weight and drunken gait as he moved causing the whole house to shake with the storm. "Elaine, get your ass down here!" _

_Magnus moved to get up as he normally did. He knew what going down there got him but he wasn't going to leave his mother alone, not when she protected him so much. It was his turn to protect her now. He stood up but stopped when his door opened. His mother appeared at the doorway, her face tired. She didn't show fear, but simply the fact that she was tired. _

_She smiled at him. "Go back to sleep baby. It's okay. I'll take care of your father tonight."_

"_But Mom..."_

"_Elaine!"_

"_Magnus, please. Stay here." And she was gone, her small feet a soft echo as she descended the stairs. Magnus sat back down on the edge of his bed. He wasn't going back to bed. If his mother needed him he was going to be there. Magnus could hear everything that happened downstairs. Their house was small and old, the walls and floors built thin enough to hear even the smallest mouse move across the floor._

"_Jesus woman, what the hell took you so long?"_

"_You're drunk."_

"_I had a few drinks." He threw his feet up on the table, a resounding thud echoing against the storm. "I ain't drunk yet. Now get me some Jack."_

_His mother moved to the kitchen, the cupboard door creaking open as she grabbed a drink. She poured the glass of Jack Daniel__'s quickly, knowing perfectly well the temper Magnus' father got when kept waiting. _

_His mother crossed the kitchen to the living room, handing her husband his drink. "Anything else you need?"_

"_Get me some food."_

"_There isn't any."_

"_Isn't any? What the hell do you mean there's no food?"_

"_I mean that we can't afford to buy any until I get paid tomorrow."_

"_Bullshit!" He stood up, stumbling over to the kitchen. "There's food around here somewhere. You're just hiding it on me." The fridge door slammed open just as Magnus' stomach growled. There really was no food, which was how it always was. His father spent all their money at the bar, and his mother saved some for food and bills, but it was never enough._

_The fridge door slammed shut. "Where the hell is it?" Magnus knew he had grabbed his mother at that moment, he always did._

"_I said, we don't have any."_

"'_I said we don't have any.' Well you know what I think. I think you're a lying whore. Magnus'll tell me where you're keeping it. Magnus!"_

"_James, keep him out of this. He's sleeping."_

"_The hell he is. Magnus get your ass down here!"_

_Magnus' body shook, fear gripping his soul. He stood up. He knew he shouldn't disobey his father but he wanted to so badly. Not listening prolonged the suffering, gave him more time to prepare himself. But not listening made it worse. Not listening made his father even more mad than he was, and if Magnus didn't go down there, he'd hurt his mother even more. Magnus hurried out of his room and down the stairs, stopping in the kitchen where his father stood, his body pressed against his mother's, his hands gripping her arms tightly. Magnus could see the pain on her face and wanted so badly to take her from his father's hands and make her better; but he couldn't. He may be tall for a 12 year old but he couldn't take his father down. _

"_Magnus, where the hell's the food?"_

"_We don't have any sir." His voice shook but he tried to control it._

_His father growled. "Don't you fucking lie to me."_

"_I'm not sir. I swear."_

_His father turned to his mother. "You feeding him stories? Making him believe lies?"_

"_No James, I'm not. It's the truth."_

_His hand came up, connecting with her face as he let her go. She fell to the ground as he stood above her, flexing the muscles in his hands. He leaned down, grabbing her hair and pulling her head up to look at him. "Do you know what I hate? Liars. Liars and whores." He threw her head back down on the ground, standing up. He looked at Magnus, his eyes piercing in his drunken rage. "I think your mother's hiding money on us. I think she's keeping it for herself and letting us starve. What do you think son?"_

_Magnus gulped. He hated when his father did this. He always tried to act like they were on the same team against his mother. But they weren't and Magnus would never say he was. "I think she's telling the truth."_

_His father's face lit up in anger. "Telling the truth? Oh, so now you're siding with her. I see how this works. You two are ganging up on me." He started walking towards Magnus, his steps unbalanced in his condition. Magnus didn't move. He knew what was coming and running did nothing. He grabbed Magnus' shirt, pulling him towards him. His eyes looked him over in disgust. "Do you think there's something wrong with me son? Do you think I drink too much? Your mother seems to think so."_

_Magnus's eyes darted to look at his mother who was starting to get up. _

"_Don't you fucking look at her."_

_Magnus looked back at his father, meeting his gaze. It was so cold yet so alive with heat. But the darkness. There was no white to his eyes, nothing circling in them but the dark pit of his soul. A coldness rushed over Magnus, the fear becoming his enemy and his friend. He didn't want to be afraid, his father always knew and hated when he was afraid. But the fear allowed Magnus to feel, helped remind him that he had to stay strong for his mother. He needed to protect her. If that meant taking whatever his father threw at him, be it his fist, foot, or a bottle, Magnus would take it, to the heart if he had to._

"_Is there something wrong with me?"_

"_No sir."_

"_James, just leave him be. Please."_

_They both looked up at Magnus' mom, standing straight and proud as if he had never thrown her down._

_He let Magnus go, shoving him back so Magnus fell. Magnus caught himself on his already sprained wrist. He caught the shout of pain at his lips, silencing it between his teeth._

"_Sticking up for him huh? God, you two just make the perfect fucking team don't you? You're both worthless and pathetic. He likes to fuck boys and you fuck plenty." He stumbled over to the counter, opening a drawer and retrieving a knife. Magnus' heart stopped when he saw it. It glistened in the moonlight, casting a glow over his father's face. He turned to Magnus' mother, his eyes glistening as Magnus had never seen them. If they had been black before, then Magnus didn't know what this was. It was like hell was burning in his father's eyes; a dark black bottomless pit of nothing. _

"_Do you see what I have to live with everyday? A whore and an abomination. My life was going somewhere." He waved the knife in front of their faces. "I was going to make it big." He took a few steps towards his wife. "But then you got yourself pregnant." He sneered, turning on Magnus. "And you were fucking born. Then my parents forced me to marry you and I lost everything. I had to get a job at the shop, had to start buying diapers and baby food and toys. But one job wasn't enough, no. I had to get another, and another. I lost everything. And now, your mother's sleeping around on me and you're gay." He turned on his wife, starting to close the distance between them, brandishing the knife in her face._

"_I'm not..."_

"_Shut the hell up! I can't keep my own wife to myself and my son likes to suck dick. Don't you fucking get it? My life was ruined because of you two. So do you know how I'm going to solve that? I'm going to do what I should have done years ago. I should have killed you. Both of you." He turned to Magnus, taking a few steps towards him. "What do you say boy? I'll do you a favour by saving you from watching her die."_

_His heart had already stopped beating from the fear that had overtaken him. All his father would be doing was taking his breath, and even that was coming in short shaky intervals. All he saw was the knife, moving from him to his mother and back again. He stood there, waiting to die, letting the whole world fall apart so that that knife was all he saw. His mother dropped away and so did his father as memories flashed through him. They say your whole life flashes before your eyes when you're about to die, and they had been right. Everything, all 12 short years of his life flashed by in quick intervals, reminding Magnus of all the good and bad times that had been his life. He didn't want to die. His life may not have been great, but he was only 12, he didn't even really know what life was yet, so how could he lose it? He didn't want to die. Not now._

"_No, please stop! James don't do this!" His mother lunged at him, stopping when he turned, the knife running through her. A scream echoed from her lips before she looked down at the knife between their bodies. "James, why?"_

"_Because." He pulled the knife out, pushing her down as he took a few steps back._

_Magnus' whole world came crashing back down on him as he ran after his mother, falling on his knees beside her. The tears came just as the storm did, falling from his skin onto his mother's cold skin. His heart shattered, everything he ever knew and loved slipping away from him. The pain ripped through him, slicing every fibre of his being deeper than anything his father had ever done to him. He wanted to scream, run after his father and turn the knife on his heart, but he was frozen to the spot, his hands grasping desperately at his mother's as he prayed for her heart to keep beating. This was supposed to be him. He was the one that knife was meant for. She wasn't supposed to die._

"_Magnus..." Her hand came up to brush his cheek, falling back down as her strength started to leave her._

"_No! Mom, come on. Stay with me." His tears fell, mixing with her own and falling to swirl with the darkness of her blood._

"_I'm... sorry... baby."_

"_No. No. Please, mom. You can't go. You can't do this." _

"_Run baby... run."_

"_Mom. No. Not without you. I won't leave without you."_

"_You have to..." Her eyes slipped shut but came open again. "I'll always be with you." She squeezed his hand softly. "I love you baby... forever and always, to the moon and back."_

_Magnus smiled as she said their exchange that they shared every night. "Mom, that's corny," he replied as he always did, fighting back the tears._

"_It's true." With that her hand fell limp, her breathing stopping. _

"_No! Mom, stay with me! Mom! You can't go!" He hit her chest in anguish hoping it would get her heart beating again. He fell on her, wrapping his arms around her cold body. The tears poured out of him as his body shook. It didn't feel real. It couldn't be real. No, it wasn't happening. This was just a really bad dream and he'd wake up from it and she'd still be alive. She'd still be smiling and taking him for ice cream. She couldn't die. She was a superhero. Superheroes never died._

"_Oh, suck it up. She's gone boy and she ain't coming back."_

_Magnus looked at his father, the knife hanging bloodied in his hands. "This is your fault!" he screamed._

"_No. It was hers. She brought it upon herself."_

"_You killed her!"_

"_She was dead to me already!" He threw the knife on the counter. "People die son; it's a fucking fact of life. The sooner you realize that the better off you'll be." He turned away, stumbling out the kitchen and into his chair. He picked up his discarded glass of Jack Daniel's, downing it in one sip. _

_Magnus didn't know how long they both remained that way, his father silent in his chair, Magnus holding his mother, as if that could somehow bring her back to life. He felt himself drowning, his whole being lost in some endless tunnel. His mother had been his anchor to the life he hadn't been able to live. She was the one who helped him understand his father and his own needs. She had made his life easier, and she was the reason Magnus was able to try and move on. If he had never had her he would never have had anything. No life, nothing. _

"_I'm going out. Don't expect me to come back home." He stood up walking to the door, stopping to look back at his son. "Never fall in love son. Remember that. It'll just kill you both in the end." And then he left, those words becoming some of the last he would ever speak to his son. _

_Magnus didn't know how long it took but sometime when the light was shining through the windows he was able to get himself together and pick up the phone. He called 911 and from there his life spiraled out of control._

_..._

Magnus gasped, shutting his eyes against the tears as the pain rippled through him like a thousand of his father's knives. It had been years since this memory had surfaced, years since he'd remembered the actual pain of losing his mother. He had buried it, lost it in the memories of the rest of his life. But now it was resurfacing. It came back just as his father did.

Magnus had been forced to grow up fast. His father was always teaching him what it meant to 'be a man' and his father had deprived him of a childhood. Magnus may have been 12 when his mother died, but he didn't feel like he was 12. He felt ancient, his body and soul worn down from the pressures of his life. The foster system hadn't made growing up any better. Magnus had learned quick how to defend himself. With his father, he had been too young, too small to defend himself or save his mother. But as he got older, he learned how to defend himself and in that, he found who he was and was happy with it. He had also learned how to leave his past behind, how to bury it and forget it.

Magnus pulled his knees closer to him, trying to bury the pain in his chest. He could feel it, right where his mother had been stabbed. He couldn't stop thinking that it was supposed to be him, that that knife was meant for his heart. He was supposed to die. But he didn't and then he had failed to save her. He couldn't help but think of what he could have done. All his ideas he knew were useless since he couldn't have done anything, but he should have. He should have taken the knife from him instead of just standing there, taking the abuse.

He should have stopped him.

He should have saved her.

And now that his father was back, Magnus had the need to take a knife and run it through the man's heart. Then he could feel the same pain his mother had felt. Then he could know what it felt like to watch someone you called family stop your very heart from beating.

The hate for his father was a living monster within him now, awakened with the memory of that night.

He wanted to kill him.

He wanted the man's blood beneath his hands as his heart stopped beating.

But he wouldn't.

He wouldn't give the man the satisfaction of seeing his face, of knowing his call had been answered. He wasn't going to see him. He was going to let him die, alone with no one there to help him through the pain. And God did Magnus hope it was the worst pain in the world. He hoped that it ate him up and ripped him to shreds from the inside out.

Then he hoped that he rotted in the very pits of hell.

* * *

So there you go. This chapter was really hard to write with the memory of Magnus' mother's death, and I know I cried. I hope it was okay and everyone liked it. Please review and let me know what you all think. Also, this will be the last update for a few weeks. I'm done exams on the 27th so after that I'll start updating regularly again. Right now I just don't have any time. Sorry. Anyway, thank you all so much for reading, it means the world to me. Until next time!

Be the change,  
Amber


	25. Unshattered

Chapter 25

Unshattered

* * *

Hi everyone! So i'm back, and does it ever feel great. It's been killing me not being able to write for a month. Well, I did write exams but those are not my idea of fun writing. But I passed them all with flying colours so the month of hibernating in my room surrounded by textbooks was worth it. But now I'm back and my fingers and brain are itching to type up some more chapters for you lovely people. So thank you all for the lovely reviews on the last chapter and for sticking with me this far. I love all of you. Anyway, I think you've all waiting long enough, so enjoy! Oh, and my lovely beta Ashley issues a tissue warning and chocolate for this chapter. But anyway, I hope you all like it. Thanks for reading.

* * *

Songs:

Afraid to Fall-Morgan Karr (I fell in love with this song the first time I heard it and the first thing I thought of was Magnus. It fits him perfectly for this chapter I think and for a lot of other things. This is Magnus' song to himself, his own personal inner monologue.)

Kiss the Air-Danny Calvert (Magnus. Absolutely perfect for him at this point. It's his song to Alec and explaining what it is he can't tell him but his heart wants to say.)

* * *

Alec looked up from his homework at Magnus. He was asleep on his bed, but he was restless. Not that that was anything new. The last few weeks had been like this. Magnus wasn't sleeping and when he did, it was in short bursts where he always woke snappy and withdrawn. Alec knew he was having nightmares again. The dreams of Magnus' past had gone away for a while, but had come back with a vengeance after Christmas, and Alec knew they were affecting him. Alec could feel him pulling away, losing himself in the memories. He was growing miserable, his moods switching at the flip of a dime. The other day, they'd fought over the television, turning what could have been a simple argument about what to watch into a fight resulting in neither of them talking to the other for the rest of the day. And that wasn't even the worst of it.

Alec didn't get it. He didn't feel like he'd done anything to make Magnus act this way. Everything between them had been going well, and Alec had never felt better about their relationship. But it was almost like Magnus had become someone else all over the course of one day. Two weeks ago they'd been fine and one day Alec had left to go do a project with Anna and when he got back, there was something about Magnus that just wasn't right. When Alec had asked him if anything was up, he'd snapped at him and told him it was nothing. It obviously wasn't nothing. Alec knew something was going on and he wanted to know what it was. He needed to know. If something was going on with Magnus and his past, Alec wanted to be there with him to help him through it. He didn't want to be pushed away and cut out completely from Magnus' emotions. He knew Magnus didn't like to talk much about his emotions and everything, but he needed to give Alec _something_. A relationship was a two way street and Alec was beginning to feel like the only one doing anything. Magnus was giving him nothing. Not a single thing.

Alec almost felt like they were pulling apart. This Magnus wasn't Magnus. He wasn't happy and teasing every second of the day. He didn't comment when Alec said something dirty unintentionally, he didn't criticize his wardrobe, he didn't tease him for his little quirks, nothing. There was absolutely nothing. Alec didn't know what was up with Magnus but he was definitely making Alec feel like it was his fault. Every time Alec tried to get in, he was pushed back. It was becoming a constant war to get through to him and it was even harder to fight it when he didn't know what he was fighting. He needed something from Magnus. Something, anything, he didn't care what it was. He just needed to know where his Magnus had gone.

Magnus stirred in his sleep, his eyes opening. Something flickered in his irises as his breath hitched in his chest. This was how it always worked now. He woke with a frightened look in his eyes, his breathing uneven and a layer of sweat coating his golden skin.

"You're dreaming about your past again aren't you?"

Magnus sat up, rubbing his eyes with the palms of his hands. "I'm not. I dreamt I ran out of glitter. Terrible experience."

Alec rolled his eyes, his heart clenching in his chest. And there it was again. Magnus was pulling away. "Don't lie to me."

Magnus looked up at Alec, his eyes flickering. He looked tired, worn down both mentally and physically. "I'm not lying to you Alec."

"And there you go again. Magnus, just tell me the truth. Please."

"What truth?"

"The truth that the dreams are back. Did you think I wouldn't notice? You're not sleeping, you wake up sweaty and unable to breathe. Why didn't you just tell me? I could help you."

Magnus placed his head in his hands, letting out a deep breath. "It's not that simple Alec. You don't understand."

"Then help me understand."

Magnus looked up at Alec and their eyes met. Magnus' gaze faltered, something it never did.

"You can't."

"Then help me Magnus. I can try," Alec pleaded, just wanting to get through to Magnus. Alec knew he couldn't understand what Magnus had gone through but he could be there for him and he could try. Magnus didn't have to go through what he went through alone and Alec wanted to help him. Magnus had let him in before, told him the whole story, so why was he acting like this now? If the dreams were back, Alec didn't care. He would be there for Magnus. His problem was that Magnus wasn't letting him in, wasn't telling him anything.

"No you can't!" His eyes burned as they looked up at Alec. This wasn't Magnus, Alec knew that for sure. "Alec, you can't." Magnus stood up, turning his back to him as he ran his fingers through his hair, catching his fingers on the spikes.

Alec didn't respond, waiting for Magnus to say something. But he didn't. Seconds passed with Magnus' back to him, Alec unable to gage a single thing he was thinking. He didn't like this. They always knew what was going on with each other, even when the other person didn't want them to. But Alec knew nothing here, and that scared the hell out of him.

"Magnus, what's wrong? You can try and hide it but I know. You've been pushing me away, not letting me in. You snap on me about everything, you argue with me about stupid little things, you went to be bed without doing your nightly routine, you're not wearing glitter, you're completely ignoring your cat, and it's like everything I do bothers you. Did I do something? If I did, just let me know, because not knowing is killing me. Please Magnus. You've got to give me something."

Magnus turned around to look at Alec. "It's not you."

"Well, that's a relief." His words were snappy and sarcastic but he almost didn't care. He was tired and he needed to get through to Magnus. Sitting around saying nothing wasn't going to get him anywhere except for deeper in a hole. "So if it's not me, what is it? You were fine a few weeks ago and now you're like this. I don't get it."

"It's me Alec."

"Well that explains a whole lot, thanks for that."

"Why are you being like this?"

"Me? I'm just trying to understand where the hell your head's been the last few weeks." Anger flared inside of Alec. He was done being walked on, ignoring Magnus' mood because he was trying to give him his space to deal with things. He had tried not to be too pushy, while at the same time trying his best to be there for him. Alec understood Magnus had his ghosts that haunted him but there was no reason to take it out on him. Alec hadn't done anything to warrant this behaviour other than try to be there for Magnus. And if being there for your boyfriend in a time of need was a crime, well then Alec should be serving a life sentence.

"It doesn't matter."

"Doesn't matter? You're doing it again; pulling away from me. Magnus, you have to let me in."

"I can't."

"You can't? Jesus Christ, what the hell is wrong with you? I'm trying to help you. But every time I try I get locked out."

"Then stop trying."

"Seriously?"

"Stop trying and I won't lock you out. I won't hurt you."

"Hurt me?" Alec threw his head in his hands. Magnus was being ridiculous. Whatever the hell was going on in his head was changing him. "Is this what this is about Magnus? You're scared you're going to hurt me?"

Magnus didn't answer him and Alec felt his heart fall. That was seriously what it was about. It all fell into place. With the nightmares came the fears.

_My father always told me that to love was to destroy and that it was pointless to ever fall in love. I've carried those words with me my whole life and I guess I believed him._

Magnus' words came back to him. His father had tried to teach him how not to fall in love and the memories of his father were back. Alec got it now. Now that Magnus had finally let himself fall in love, he felt that the destroy part was coming. He felt like he was going to destroy Alec by loving him. But Alec didn't believe that.

"Look, Alec it's not that simple."

"Yeah, you keep saying that. Magnus..." Alec closed the space between them, placing a hand to Magnus' shoulder. Magnus flinched beneath him, pulling away, letting Alec's hand fall disregarded to his side. Alec looked down feeling a pain rip through his heart, searing his being. It hurt having Magnus be like this. He wanted to hold Magnus, to have Magnus tell him everything. He wanted to tell him it was okay and hold him through the pain until he wasn't afraid anymore. He wanted to know Magnus' soul, to know what he was thinking right now and why he was running from every word Alec said. Alec didn't want him to run, he wanted him to come back to him. But he was running and Alec was beginning to feel that he was getting too far away to catch.

"I can't do this Alec."

"I'm sorry?" If Magnus' actions had seared his heart, those words threw it in the fire and left it to burn. What did he mean he couldn't do it? Alec didn't think it was this bad. He thought he could get through to him, that this was just a stage. He thought Magnus would let it go and just tell him everything that was going on... not this.

"I need some space Alec. You're right, I haven't been myself lately and I think I need some to figure things out. "

Alec fumbled with words, trying to find something to say, but nothing came out. He needed time. Alec wasn't stupid. He knew what those words translated to. But why? Why was Magnus saying these things? Things had been so good between them, perfect even. Alec had never been happier in his life and he was so sure Magnus felt the same way. So why did he need space? Was it the memories, or was it him?

"I'm sorry. I just can't right now Alec. I think we need to take some time apart."

"Time apart? What are you saying Magnus?" Alec didn't want to believe what Magnus was saying. It was just a dream, a dream he'd wake up from soon enough. You always woke up at the bad part right?

"I'm saying that you deserve better than I can give you right now Alec; then I can probably ever give you. I told you I was broken and nothing could ever change that. I don't want to break you too Alec. I don't want to hurt you. There are so many other people out there who can give you what I can't." Alec saw Magnus' eyes faltering, the picture of his heart within them breaking. They were glossing over, as Magnus fought the tears.

"And what is that?" Alec asked, fighting the tears that were bleeding from his breaking heart.

"The love you deserve. I love you too much to not give you what you deserve, to hurt you in the end." Alec met Magnus' gaze seeing the turmoil wreaking havoc in their depths. Alec had never seen this in Magnus' features. It was a complete look of despair, of fear, and of raw sadness. Magnus' emotions transferred to him, ripping through him with the connection of their eyes. He felt his heart crumbling.

"Magnus, come on, don't say that. You know that's not true."

"It is true. I've been denying it; living in this perfect fairytale that I would never hurt you. But I was right Alec. I'm just going to hurt you in the end. And I don't want to do that. It's better for us both if I just leave now and save us the pain later on."

"Magnus you're not going to hurt me, not the way you think. This isn't the same. You're not the same." Alec knew Magnus was afraid of being like his father, that was why he was so afraid. But it wasn't something Magnus could possibly do that was hurting Alec, it was what he was saying now. After everything they'd been through, this was how Magnus was going to end it? By running. After all the running they'd already dealt with, he was going to go further? Alec thought they were done. Alec had told his parents he was gay and Magnus had let his heart finally fall in love. They had reached the end of the race, so why run the lap again?

"Like father, like son," Magnus whispered under his breath. He looked up at Alec. "You don't deserve to be hurt."

"Stop telling me what I deserve." Alec had intended more anger and inflection behind his words but instead the words choked out of his lips, words just as broken in speech as his heart was in his chest.

"I promised myself I'd never hurt you but I was fooling myself, because it was bound to happen. To love is to destroy."

"Magnus, your father was wrong." This was all about his father. It was all about the memories, Magnus' fears of falling in love. It was all about Magnus' inability to feel love because his fear of hurting them got in the way. But now that Magnus had learned to love again, he didn't know how to handle it.

"There's more truth behind his words than you think Alec. I'm sorry."

"So what are you saying? Are we breaking up?" Alec prayed that wasn't the case, but in his broken heart he knew the truth. Even if the nerves were shattered and withered, they could still feel the truth. They could still feel the pain that was stabbing him in the chest with each passing second. Alec only had to meet Magnus' eyes to know the answer.

"It would probably be for the best."

"No."

"I'm sorry." And with that he turned, leaving the dorm behind.

Alec let the tears fall, letting them roll down his cheeks and onto the floor. He just stared at the door where Magnus had left, praying, simply praying that Magnus would turn back around and say he was stupid and wrong and that he loved him. Alec stayed routed to the spot, his body numb, his heart beating every so often in its broken state.

_Come back Magnus. Please come back. Your father was wrong. Can't you see that?_

But Magnus wasn't coming back. Alec knew that. Magnus couldn't see the truth because what he thought was the truth were the fears he'd lived with his whole life; the teachings of his father.

Alec fell to his knees, the world giving out beneath him. Why? That's all he wanted to know. Why couldn't Magnus see that his fears were wrong, that Alec didn't care if he hurt him? Why couldn't he see that they loved each other and nothing changed that? Alec could care less about a possibility of Magnus hurting him, it happened. But the thing was, Magnus was so scared he was going to hurt Alec, but didn't realize that what he'd just done was what hurt him the most. He understood in Magnus' mind, that he thought this was for the best, but it wasn't. Magnus had become his everything, his life. Magnus was all he had, the person keeping him sane and happy when his life wanted otherwise.

Magnus was the one who taught him not to be afraid.

Magnus was the first person he loved.

Magnus was the only one he wanted to love.

Magnus was... gone.

* * *

He ran.

For the first time in his life he physically ran away, hoping that the distance could solve it all. But it did nothing. Magnus couldn't run from his thoughts or his actions or anything else physically controlled by him. It was like trying to run from your shadow; impossible. Now he could run from Alec, but he couldn't run from himself. He wanted to do the complete opposite of that. He didn't want to run from Alec, but he felt like he had to. He felt like he had to leave Alec or else destroy him. Alec's words repeated in his mind, playing alongside the words of his father's, both fighting for space in Magnus' head. He wanted to listen to Alec's over his father's, but he'd been listening to his father's for years and he couldn't ignore them, no matter how much he wanted to.

Magnus felt the tears fall from his cheeks, hitting the pavement with the beat of his feet. He cried the tears of his frozen heart, and the tears of Alec's broken one. He didn't want to do it. But he felt like it was the right thing to do. He didn't know what to do anymore. His head felt one way one minute and then another, and so did his heart. It wasn't like he could just follow one of them when both were at war with each other and themselves. Magnus felt like he was standing in the middle of an endless crossroads, one road leading to yet another, and each road after that leading to another crossroads. He was lost. He was lost in thought, in emotion, and in life. He wanted to think leaving Alec was the right thing to do but he didn't want to do it. But he was going to hurt him if he didn't. But then, wasn't leaving him like this hurting him? He just didn't know anymore. It was all becoming too much; each thought, each choice, bearing down on his soul until it had no room to breathe or move and all that was left was the bare skeleton of his being.

Magnus had always been afraid of commitment, afraid of falling in love. To love is to destroy. He didn't want to believe his father but then, how he could he really deny those words? He'd seen what had happened between his mother and father. He'd seen what love could do to two people, to a man. Ever since he'd let his heart open to Alec, everything had come rushing back at him in full force. Everything he had repressed and forgetten had come back and was now haunting his every second. He was reminded of why he was so afraid to fall for William or Camille. He was reminded why he had tried so hard not to fall for Alec but had gotten so lost in him that he'd forgotten what he'd wanted in the beginning. Alec had taken all of Magnus' reserves and fears and made him forget. And so, Magnus had gone full force into what he had with Alec, never thinking that it would come to this; never thinking that he would fall in love with him and want to be with him forever. It was easy for Magnus to go from person to person knowing nothing would become of it, but Alec was different. Alec was everything Magnus had dreamed for but never sought to make reality because he knew how the dream ended, the same way all dreams ended. You woke up and faced reality, a reality so much more cold and cruel then the dream. And now, he was so deep in it with Alec that there was no easy way to run away, to resort to his usual defence mechanisms. Magnus didn't want to do it, but he couldn't help it. It was a part of him, his way of protecting his broken pieces from being shattered even more.

_I can fix you._

_If you only knew baby. If only you knew what I never told you. What I never told myself. _

Alec had fixed him and that was part of what had scared him so much. He was so used to being broken that feeling whole just felt wrong. He didn't feel like he deserved that. He didn't feel like he should be complete, that he should be happy. He was so used to being empty that that had become a part of him. But this whole thing, the reappearance of his father, the level of his relationship with Alec, it broke him again. It became too much for him to handle and so each of those pieces, so carefully placed by Alec's hands, were torn apart by Magnus' own.

But maybe this was all for the better. Magnus knew he couldn't give Alec everything he had given him. Magnus knew he would always be this way, that nothing was going to change. He would always be haunted by his past and always live in his fears. It was better that Magnus leave him this way than doing something worse later on down the line. It was better he leave before he got worse and the past and fears left his dreams and lived in his reality. It was better he hurt Alec emotionally rather than physically.

_Like father, like son._

Magnus didn't want to believe it, but he didn't want to take that chance.

Magnus stopped running, his breath catching in his throat as he looked down, only now realizing where his wayward feet had led him.

"Hi Mom."

Magnus fell to his knees, letting his body give out beneath him as his lungs fought for breath and his soul searched for something to hold on to. Tears slid down his skin, soaking the ground beneath him and filling the etched lines of his mother's name. He watched them, swirling in and out of each letter, seeping deep into the stone and into the Earth.

He didn't really know why he'd come here. It hadn't been a conscious choice, but something that had just happened, something he felt like he needed to do. He'd always gone to his mother when he was confused, when life didn't make sense and he needed some guiding. Magnus had gone to her when his math homework didn't make sense, when his baking soda and vinegar volcano didn't erupt because he'd accidently used sugar, and when he accidently killed the class guinea pig. He had gone to her when he'd first realized what his father was doing to her and when he'd first hit him. He'd gone to her when he figured out he was bisexual. And he was coming to her now. He was coming to her when he'd purposely left the best thing he'd ever had behind because he thought he was protecting him. He was coming to her now for some sort of guidance through the darkness, through the crossroads of his life.

"I need you Mom." Magnus threw his head in his hands, raking his fingers through his badly taken care of hair, having cared little over the last week to do anything to his appearance. He sighed, the words failing to form at his tongue. He didn't even understand it all himself so it was hard to put in words so she could understand. But it was like when he figured out he was bisexual. He didn't know what it meant but she figured it out, just like she always did.

"I really really need you right now." His voice cracked, as his hands shook. He clasped them together, trying to calm them down. "I don't know what's going on. I don't know if what I'm doing is the right thing to do or if I just made a really big mistake. I feel like I've ruined everything."

_Baby, settle down. Start from the beginning._

Magnus almost felt like he could hear her voice, travelling on the wind in soft whispers. The words sung in his ears, floating through his brain and to the broken pieces of his soul, cradling them in their easy embrace. He could almost swear she was here with him, listening, watching, giving him everything he needed to move on. "I told Alec I loved him, and for the first time in years I meant those words. I really do love him Mom, more than I ever thought I could. But I hurt him. I hurt him because I love him too much." Magnus paused. "I was so scared of feeling that way for him."

_Why Magnus? Why were you afraid?_

"I was afraid because I figured as soon as I loved him, I would just hurt him. Dad said, to love is to destroy."

_Your father never knew love._

"And maybe he was right. Ever since I told Alec I loved him, all I can think about is everything that he did to us. Memories I've repressed, everything, it's all coming back to me. I see myself hurting him, doing what Dad did to us."

_Magnus, you're not like your father. You're different._

"Like father, like son." Magnus looked down at his hands, and for a split second, he swore he saw blood. Alec's blood. His heart fought to beat in his chest, working to supply air to a body that didn't want to function anymore, a body that was broken down and bleeding, far beyond a heart's repair. "I got a call. Dad's sick. The doctor's give him two months, and he wants to see me."

_Why?_

"I don't know why. But the fact that he even asked." Magnus clenched his hands, his nails digging into his skin. "I'd rather watch the man rot in hell." Magnus' teeth ground together as he fought back the pain that the mention of his father brought to his body. "I just want it all to go away Mom. I just want to forget. For once in my life I just don't want to feel anymore, I just want to be free from it all." He unclenched his fists, his own blood sliding down his pale skin, dripping onto the pure green earth below him, staining it with the darkness of his being.

_Then let yourself be free._

"It's taking me over Mom. All of it. Everything. I'm living with it, with everything Dad ever said or did. All I can think about is him, and the past, and you, and hurting Alec." Magnus threw his head in his hands again, closing his eyes, trying so hard to blink it all away. If only the darkness could just be darkness with no shadows lurking, waiting for him. If only closing his eyes could wipe away every memory of his father, of his past, and of the broken look that painted the beautiful blue of Alec's eyes when he had left.

"I didn't want to hurt him. So I left him. I thought that would be the best thing to do. I don't feel like I can give him everything he deserves and I feel like one day my life's just going to repeat itself, and I don't want to do that to him. It was stupid of me to think I could have something like what I had with Alec. I was so stupid to think I deserved something like that."

_You deserve the world baby._

"I mean, who was I kidding, thinking I was meant to fall in love and be happy? People like me don't get happy endings, everyone knows that."

_I don't._

Magnus paused, letting the tears fall, filling his vision and creating a pool at his feet, reflecting back at him every shard of his soul in tiny, even more fractured pieces.

"But people like Alec-beautiful, amazing, and pure-they deserve happy endings. And Alec will find his, but it will be without me. Leaving him was for the best. I was saving him from me." Magnus stopped, letting each word he'd said sink into his being. Everything that he'd kept locked up and hidden in his heart for 8 years was pouring out. Every word, every emotion, and every single thing that he'd denied himself. He was laying it bare for his mother, letting the words fill the air between them and maybe, somehow, they would reach her ears and she would listen. Magnus didn't really believe in the whole Heaven and people watching over you thing, but he was willing to just to think that his mother was there, watching him, listening, and telling him everything he needed to hear. He could almost imagine what she would say if she was here.

_Were you saving him from you, or from your fears? I've watched you run for years Magnus, battling with everything you've experienced. I've seen you come to me sad, angry, frustrated, intoxicated, worried, but never happy. The day you came with Alec I saw a smile paint that face unlike anything I could ever capture. I saw you happy for the first time in your life. I saw a boy who gave you everything you deserved. All I've ever wanted is for you to be happy. Now I can't tell you if you've made the right choice, only you can figure that out for yourself. All I can tell you is that you don't need to be afraid. The past is the past. It makes us who we are, but it doesn't define us. Stop running away from what you're afraid of Magnus and start running to it. Run to Alec. You're not going to hurt him; I know that because I know you. You're just afraid. I understand that, and so will Alec. I always taught you that love was beautiful. You say you're remembering everything, but I see you've forgotten something. Please remember Magnus. Please remember what _I_ told you about love. Do it for Alec, but please baby, please do it for yourself. Please remember that love heals even the deepest of wounds. Remember that love is so much more than your father, me, you, Alec, and even the world. Love is so much more than everything. Love is unstoppable. _

Magnus shivered, wrapping his arms around himself as he tried to hold himself together. He could hear her, her words echoing off the particles of the air, vibrating through his body to bury all other words and thoughts deep in the shadows where they had come. Magnus closed his eyes, and if he concentrated just enough, he swore he could see her, smiling at him just as beautiful and amazing as he remembered her. And in that darkness with his mother, he could feel her touch against his cold skin, her hand wiping the tears from his face.

_I love you baby, forever and ever, from the moon and back._

"I love you Mom, forever and ever, from the moon and back." Magnus sniffed, wiping his own tears away, but still he could feel her, her touch lingering on his frozen skin. "I always thought that sounded so corny and childish, but it doesn't even begin to touch the truth. The end of the universe sounds more like it." Magnus traced his hand over his mother's name, his fingers tracing each line as memories came back to him of all the good times he had had with her. Happiness overtook him. He had been so trapped in the darkness of his life that he had forgotten about her, about the light that had guided him throughout his life; the light that was always there at the crossroads, but he was too blind to see.

Magnus stood up slowly. "I'm sorry I didn't bring any flowers. I promise I'll come with a dozen white roses next time. But right now I've got to go figure some things out, fix some very broken things." He placed his fingers to his lips, kissing them before leaning down to place them on his mother's gravestone. His hand lingered, letting the memory of his mother become him.

He pulled away slowly, giving one last glance at his mother's grave before turning away.

_To love is to destroy._

_No Dad, you're wrong._

_Love is unstoppable._

_I'm sorry I forgot Mom. I'm so sorry I forgot._

Magnus left the cemetery. Once again he had no clue where his feet were going to lead him but he left a different person than when he had gone in. Saying it all out loud and just letting the memory of his mother speak to him, had allowed Magnus to see things clearly. Everything was still there, still living in his shadow, but he had remembered the part of his life that he had forgotten, the part he had tried so hard to never forget.

His mother had been right. Love was beautiful. Love was unstoppable. Love was everything and anything you wanted it to be.

Love, was Alec.

But would Alec ever forgive him?

Would Magnus be able to forgive himself?

* * *

Alright, so there you go. How was it? I hope you all liked it. I'm off to work on the next chapter now and plan on writing every minute I can that I'm not working so hopefully updates will be closer together, but no promises for sure. Anyway, let me know what you thought in a review? But again, thank you for reading. Until next chapter my lovely readers.

Be the change,  
Amber


	26. Undeserved

Chapter 26

Undeserved

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I'm back. I know this chapter took longer than I had wanted to update but I hope you can all forgive me. But anwyay, thank you for all the amazing reviews from the last chapter. They made me feel so great and you guys are all amazing. Anyway, on to the chapter. Thanks for reading.

* * *

Songs:

Losing You-Camera Can't Lie

* * *

Yes, he was pathetic. He'd admit it. But he didn't have the drive to do anything else. Hell, he barely had the drive to do this. And this, well this was just sad.

Alec sat on the couch, wrapped up in the leopard print Snuggy Magnus had insisted on buying him, a large tub of half finished chocolate ice cream in his lap. And to add to the whole scene, he had Titanic playing on the television, a movie that always brought him to tears at the end, not that anyone knew that but Isabelle, Jace, and Magnus.

Magnus. God. Just the slightest thought of him broke Alec's heart all over again, a feat he would have deemed impossible. But here he was, his heart breaking into smaller and smaller pieces with each passing second. One part of Alec wanted to get off his depressed ass and go after Magnus, but the other part was what was keeping his ass where it was. That was the part that was so completely broken that he was blind in the dark searching for a way to heal himself. He didn't know what to do, how to move on from what had happened. He wasn't sure if he should cry, fake a smile, sleep, eat, or break down. He just didn't know what to do. But really, what was he supposed to do? Walk around and pretend that he was fine? Sure, he was an expert at that, but this time, this time he just didn't want to pretend. Instead, he wanted to wallow in the darkness that had become his life since Magnus walked out the door.

Twice now he'd watched Magnus walk out that door. The first time, they'd made up, but this time, this time felt so much different. This time Alec felt like there was little hope. It wasn't like Alec had done something to piss Magnus off, or vice versa, and that was why they fought and broke up. No, this was something internal inside Magnus, something that wasn't a result of their relationship but a result of a fear of the past repeating itself. This time it was about that demon haunting Magnus that had been there the whole time, but had lain silent until it was time to strike.

Alec wanted so bad to be mad at Magnus, and underneath the sadness and the need for Magnus, he was angry. He was angry that after everything, Magnus had just given in and walked out. He was angry that Magnus hadn't even given him a chance. He was angry at himself for letting it happen. But he hadn't voiced that anger, hadn't let himself truly feel it yet. He knew if he saw Magnus it would come alive. He knew that seeing him and the fact that they weren't together would awaken the anger that was fighting to get out.

Alec understood why Magnus had done what he did, but it didn't make it any easier. It didn't mend any of the broken pieces, it didn't make going to sleep easier at night, and it didn't make waking up worth the effort. Alec felt like it would be easier for him to not understand. He knew Magnus felt alone, lost, broken, and he knew that he was running from everything. He knew Magnus was scared of what they had together because Magnus felt like he didn't deserve it because he'd never had it. Magnus didn't know how to handle love, to trust it completely even if you fell. Magnus didn't know how to handle what he'd never had. It was hard understanding because alongside his own pain, he felt Magnus'. He just wanted to take it away from him, to hold him and wash away all the memories so he had a clean state; something to start over on where he wasn't afraid to trust in his head and his heart and where they weren't at war with each other.

All he wanted was Magnus to believe in himself as much as Alec believed in him. He wanted Magnus to give in to what he wanted instead of what he thought he should want. He wanted him to come back to him. But he feared he never could. Alec couldn't forget the look in Magnus' eyes when he'd left. It was a look of total defeat, of Magnus giving in to every single word he said, making himself believe that it was all true, that he was doing this for Alec. Alec didn't want this and he knew Magnus didn't either. But he needed Magnus to listen to him in order to convince him of that. But how was he supposed to do that when Magnus was just going to run from him at every turn? So he held on to the hope that if he gave him some time to figure things out he'd calm down and let Alec talk to him. It wasn't over. Alec wouldn't let it be without one last push to get inside Magnus' heart. Magnus was the love of his life and he'd be damned if he didn't try to get him back.

For now, he was spending his time nursing his broken heart with Leonardo DiCaprio and chocolate. And right now, that was good enough for him. He didn't want to think about what would happen in the future between Magnus and him. He didn't want to think about his broken heart, and frankly, he just didn't want to think at all. He just wanted to fall away and wrap himself up in the darkness 'til there was nothing that he could hear, see, or feel. Until there was nothing that could hurt him anymore and all the pain was washed away.

Alec jumped, his phone vibrating in his pocket. So much for wrapping himself in the darkness.

Alec pulled his phone out of his pocket, noticing his home number flashing across the screen. He groaned, contemplating not answering it. It was either Isabelle or Jace and both presented him with a dilemma if he didn't answer. If he didn't answer it, they would spam his inbox for eternity, and if he did answer, they would question him for eternity on what it was that had him moping.

Alec knew he'd have to pick up the phone eventually, so why not do it now?

He put aside his ice cream on the table, pausing the movie on Leo's face. He hit talk, placing the phone to his ear.

"Hello."

"Hello Alec. How are you on this fine afternoon?" It was Jace.

"Just splendid." Alec hadn't intended the sarcastic tone to his voice but after everything, he didn't really care. Why couldn't he just be left to his own pathetic devices? He just wanted to be alone in his sadness, was that too much to ask?

"Awesome. So look, I'm miserable."

"Is that so?"

"Yeah. So, do you have time to talk?"

Alec looked at the TV and the slightly melted ice cream on the table, thinking he really just wanted to say no. He went to say just that, but was cut off.

"You do. Great."

Alec rolled his eyes, sighing. "I never even gave you an answer."

"And I care why?" Jace asked. "Well, anyway. Clary's mad at me."

"Isn't she always?"

"No, she wasn't yesterday. Well that was until I got bitched at for not opening up enough about my feelings and what I'm thinking."

Alec sighed. Well he could definitely relate. He understood the consequences of not opening up enough about your feelings, he'd seen it himself the day before when he'd confronted Magnus about that exact thing.

"I didn't think there was a problem. I mean, I tell her what I'm feeling. Like the other day I told her she looked bad in yellow. That's what I felt, so I told her."

"Jace, I don't think that's the kind of opening up about your feelings she meant." Clary meant the kind where you talked about the emotional things, the things buried deep down in your heart, not the surface feelings. Clary wanted to know Jace's heart, not just his thoughts.

"Well then, what did she mean? Honestly Alec, one minute I think I've got her figured out and the next minute it's like a switch went off and I've no idea about her anymore. Maybe you had the right idea with men; women are just too confusing." Jace sighed in frustration. "Do you and Magnus talk about your feelings?"

Alec froze as Jace's words rushed through him. The thought of Magnus chipped at his heart again, breaking away another piece to lie in the rubble. They talked about surface feelings, those regular thoughts you had every day, but recently? No, they didn't talk. Alec did, he did it a lot, but Magnus, Magnus was as closed off as a brick wall. Magnus was gone from him in that department, completely removed from his feelings and putting voice to them.

"He tells me blue's more my colour," Alec stated simply, not wanting to talk about any more than that. Magnus did tell him that, everyday. He made a note of commenting on Alec's wardrobe whenever he could and was campaigning to take him shopping. Alec had held him off, although he'd known one day he'd probably give in. But now, maybe he'd never have to. Now that Magnus wasn't here, there was no one to tell him those things anymore. God, all Alec had wanted was to forget about Magnus, and a part of him had hoped talking to Jace would help him do that, but apparently he had been wrong there.

"See, I'm not the only one. I open up about what I'm feeling. Just because I don't tell her everything doesn't mean she can get mad at me. Sometimes there's just things you want to keep to yourself, you know what I mean Alec?"

Yeah, he guessed he did. Magnus had wanted to keep everything to himself, but look where that got them. Alec was sulking with ice cream and Magnus was who knows where. But where Jace had a point, the thing that he didn't get was that there were some things you may want to keep to yourself, but at some point you have to tell someone or they'll eat you alive. Magnus had bottled up everything from Alec and set it off to sea so that neither of them ever needed to face it all, and now they weren't even together. Magnus had left because he had worked himself into a state of facing his demons on his own, forgetting that Alec was there to join the fight too. Magnus hadn't opened up, Alec had called him on it, and then Magnus had left. So really, Clary had a point wanting Jace to open up.

"Hey, Alec. Earth to Alec. _Alec_!"

"Yeah?" Alec hadn't noticed that in his thinking he had completely blanked out of the conversation, failing to catch anything Jace had said to him.

"So what do you think? Is she right? Do you think I need to open up?"

"Well she does have a point."

"What do you mean?"

"If you don't open up to her, how is she supposed to be there for you or help you if she doesn't know what's going on? If you don't tell her anything, you're leaving her in the dark and you can't do that Jace. You have to give her something or it's just going to cause problems. As much as you don't want to talk about those types of feelings, you have to. You have to give her something to hold on to once in a while."

"Hold on to? Alec, you know me, I don't talk about that stuff."

"I guess you'll have to learn, if that's what she wants." Neither Magnus or Alec had anything to hold on to in that respect. Magnus was defenceless in the embrace of his fears, and Alec was without barring under his feet to hold him up from the pain. They were both searching blindly for a foothold in a world unwilling to offer one.

"Well, what do you and Magnus do? What do you talk about?"

"Stuff," Alec said quickly. _Please Jace, please don't ask me about him._ Alec didn't know how much of that he could handle at this moment.

"Stuff. Thanks Alec, that's real helpful. Let me just go talk about stuff with Clary. She'll really like me then . Come on, give me something," Jace pleaded playfully.

"There's nothing Jace, really."

"Fine, whatever. Be that way." Jace paused, the other end of the line growing silent. "Alright, I have an idea."

Alec groaned. "I don't like the sound of that."

"No it's good. If I'm going to open up, I might as well have a test run right? So, let's open up to each other."

"Each other? Jace, I don't think so."

"No, really. You and Magnus discuss 'stuff', which really Alec, makes me think you talk about nothing. So, come on, what's something you've always wanted to tell me, but never did?"

Alec froze. _Oh God. Jace, please stop doing this. _Alec had something, something he didn't want to tell Jace, something he planned on keeping hidden forever. It wasn't that Alec loved Jace anymore, but there was still that stage in his life where he did, and as much as Alec wanted to forget, he never would. He'd still look at Jace and remember how he felt and how he fought it so hard because he hated himself for the way he felt. It was sick, it was wrong, and Alec had felt ashamed of himself for years for falling in love with his own brother. He knew now that picking up his phone had been a terrible idea. A spammed inbox was better than trying to lie to his brother when Jace always knew when he was lying.

"Nothing."

"Nothing? Alec, you're a terrible liar. Come on, there's got to be something. You can't say you've known me your whole life and not had something you've wanted to tell me but never did. Open up, give me something."

"There's nothing."

Jace groaned. "Fine, at least tell me why you sound so depressed."

"Depressed? I'm not depressed."

"Titanic or The Notebook?" Jace asked simply.

"Neither," Alec lied. He hated that Jace knew him that well. It made it so hard to hide anything from him, and he'd been lucky that he was able to hide the two main things from him. But everything else, well, Jace always knew. He may be an idiot sometimes, but he knew Alec well, something Alec wasn't sure was a blessing or not.

"Chocolate or vanilla? Come on Alec, I know you. You're sitting there with ice cream and one of those two movies, drowning in your sorrows. I can hear it in your voice. Don't even try to lie to me."

"Chocolate," Alec said softly, giving in.

"Yes. I knew it. Alright, Leo or Ryan? I'm going to say Leo."

"Leo."

"God, I'm good. Now I'm going to guess Magnus did something. That or you've just missed my beautiful face," Jace teased. Alec didn't answer, silence filling the air. "No? Okay then. So did you fight? I mean, you don't watch Titanic unless it's really bad. The Notebook's more for when you're in a 'I'm pissed, I'm depressed, but I'll be better in a few hours' mood. The Titanic's more like, 'I'm depressed and I've no plans on getting over it anytime soon.' So what going on?"

Alec sighed. Should he tell him? And if he did, what parts? Obviously he'd have to tell Jace eventually but right now, his heart was still in that freshly broken stage and he didn't really want to talk about it. But, then maybe he should.

"We broke up." Saying it brought the reality crashing down over Alec. Thinking it and feeling it wasn't as bad as when you finally put voice to it and all denial in your thoughts was washed away. It made it so much more real to say it out loud and it left no room to deny that it was true. And it hurt even more. The silence was like a bandage on your heart, a way of protecting it from hearing the truth, but when you spoke aloud, that bandage was ripped off and the heart was left to bleed as much as it wanted. And at this point, his heart was bleeding a lot.

"That asshole! Alright, I'm coming down there." Alec could hear Jace moving in the background.

"Jace! Sit back down, please."

Alec heard Jace move slowly to sit back on his bed, but Alec knew he was still ready to move if needed. Alec was actually quite glad Isabelle wasn't there too. He loved his siblings, but sometimes they could be a little over the top.

"There's no need to come down here. I'm fine, really, and I'd rather you didn't kill Magnus."

"Ah come on, please?" Jace pleaded, sounding almost like a child.

"No Jace."

Jace huffed on the other line. "Alright, what happened?"

"I'd rather not talk about it right now."

"Nope. It's feeling talking time remember? If you won't tell me what you feel about me you might as well tell me what happened."

Alec went to say something when someone picked up the phone on the other line. "Jace seriously? Are you still on the phone? I need to call Alec."

"Hi Izzy."

"Alec! Hey. I was just about to call you to see how you were doing." Isabelle sounded happy, her voice void of the annoyance it first showed when she picked up the phone.

"He's watching Titanic," said Jace.

"Oh no. Alec, what happened?"

"Magnus broke up with him."

"That asshole! Give me a few hours Alec, I'll be there."

"Don't Izzy. He said we can't kill him."

"Jace seriously. Let me speak," Alec said in frustration.

"Well I'm sorry if I got the answer in before you. Maybe you shouldn't answer so slow."

Alec rolled his eyes. "Izzy please, just relax. I'll be fine. They'll be no hurting Magnus."

"Who said I was going to hurt him?" Isabelle asked innocently.

"Izzy," Alec warned.

"Fine." Alec heard her slump down in a chair, defeated. It made Alec feel good knowing his siblings were there to protect him, but at the same time it drove him crazy. They were so quick to overreact and that was why Alec hadn't really planned on saying anything to either of them for a little bit. "Alright then, at least tell us what happened if you won't let us hurt him."

Alec sighed. He didn't want to. He really didn't want to talk about it. But then, maybe telling them _was_ the better choice. Magnus' problem was that he didn't tell anyone anything and Alec was doing just that by bottling all this up inside and not saying anything. Telling Jace and Isabelle was his chance to get it out and stop suffering the pain so internally for at least a little bit. So he should tell them what happened, trust someone as he wanted Magnus to trust him. And so that was what he did. He told them everything. Well, not everything. Not what it was that was making Magnus afraid, but what it was that had made Magnus leave; that he had some things to figure out and needed time and space to work through his demons.

"Well Alec, it doesn't sound like you put up much of a fight," said Isabelle.

"I'm sorry?"

"Well, it was kind of like at the beginning you stood your ground for what you wanted but at the end you just let him slip away. You didn't even try and get him back."

"Izzy, I tried."

"Not hard enough, or he'd still be there."

"I'm surprised he was even there in the first place. I couldn't even imagine dating Alec, that would just be torture."

"Jace, don't be a dick." Isabelle hit Jace and Alec could hear him gasp on the other line. During the conversation Isabelle had moved to Jace's room and they were now on speaker phone talking to Alec.

"You did not just hit me!"

"I did. Now suck it up. This is about Alec, not you."

Jace huffed. "Fine. I hate to admit it, but Isabelle does have a point here. It sort of seems like you just let him walk out. He said his piece but you didn't even get your chance."

"He's right Alec. I've never known you to go down without a fight, so why are you giving in now? You deserve a chance to tell Magnus how you feel and make him listen. Say what you didn't say before and get back your man Alec. Seriously, Magnus is too damn perfect for you to just let him go like that. Fight for him Alec. If you lose him, at least you know you tried." Isabelle's words were full of sincerity and Alec took every single one of them to his tender heart. She was right. Alec had stood his ground at the beginning, speaking up about how Magnus was making him feel, but when Magnus had decided to leave, Alec hadn't fought, instead just watched Magnus walk out the door. He had his reasons for not fighting, for letting Magnus walk out the door, and that was because he thought that by not going after him he was doing what was best for Magnus. Magnus did need that time to figure things out and so Alec had let him go, knowing full well that not going after him could mean he'd never get him back. It was what Magnus wanted, what Magnus felt he needed, and at that point, Alec knew he couldn't convince Magnus otherwise.

"And if it doesn't work out, there's other gay fish in the sea. You'll find one, albeit, probably not as sparkly."

Isabelle hit Jace again.

"Ow. Jesus woman, stop that. I didn't mean that in a bad way, I was serious. There's other people besides Magnus out there. Maybe he's not the one."

"Maybe Alec thought he was the one. And now he's sitting there with a broken heart and you're encouraging him to just let Magnus go. You're supposed to tell him to go after Magnus."

"Oh please, you just want him with Magnus again because you're completely in love with him too."

"Magnus and I have a connection okay," Isabelle defended. It was true, they did. Whenever Magnus hadn't been with Alec over Christmas break, he was with Isabelle. It made Alec happy to know Magnus and his sister had gotten on so well. And Max had grown to like him too, sharing a special little bond over superheroes. Alec had had no idea Magnus was full of so much knowledge of superheroes, but then again, Magnus always seemed to surprise him. His parents had grown to like Magnus too, his father especially who spent hours discussing old movies and music with Magnus. As for Jace, well he didn't _hate_ Magnus per say, but he didn't exactly like him either. It made Alec so happy knowing his family got along with Magnus. It always made it easier when you brought someone home and your family liked them, and it made it especially easier for Alec when the one he was bringing home was a guy.

"Guys! I'm still here."

They both stopped their separate conversation, focusing back on Alec. "Sorry Alec, you'll have to forgive Jace. He can be an inconsiderate ass sometimes."

"Hey now, this is about Alec remember? Let's refrain from calling me things that are completely untrue."

Alec knew Isabelle was rolling her eyes at Jace's comments. "Anyway, it's your choice Alec. You just have to do what your heart thinks is right. If that's letting Magnus go, that's letting Magnus go. But if your heart says to run after him, then don't deny it that. Go after him and see what happens. You can't hate yourself for trying."

Alec smiled softly at Isabelle's words. "Thanks Izzy."

"That's what I'm here for Alec. Someone's got to keep you two boys on track."

"Hey, I'm on track."

"Yeah, the wrong one. Now Alec, I do think Magnus is the best thing that has ever happened to you. And personally, I really like him. And if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. Just trust your heart, it'll know what to do. Now I'm going to go so that you can have the time to figure things out. I'll talk to you later, okay Alec? Call me, do you understand? No matter what."

"Got it Izzy. I'll call you."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

"Good. Bye Alec." Alec heard Isabelle stand up, hitting Jace again as she walked away.

"You hit me again. I didn't even do anything this time!" Jace paused. "She just flipped me off. God that woman drives me insane. Seriously, if someone strangles her in the middle of the night, it wasn't me. I swear."

Alec laughed. "Okay Jace."

There was a small comfortable silence that fell between them, giving Alec some time to settle his thoughts and take in what Isabelle had said to him. She was right. What did he really have to lose? Why was he sitting here, moping about losing Magnus when he had a chance of getting him back? Alec was so quick to resign to the pain and the broken pieces inside of him that he'd been blind to everything else. He'd been blind to the possibility of going after Magnus and pushing through to him. He was just like Magnus, so blinded by the pain that he couldn't see the truth.

"Alec," Jace paused sounding like he was thinking intently before speaking again. "Did you used to like me?"

Alec choked, sputtering the words he had planned on saying. His heart froze in his chest, the already wounded vessel undergoing more pain; that of remembering his feelings for Jace and the fact that Jace had just asked him that. Alec had fallen into this belief that Jace would never find out and that Alec's secret was safe with him, Isabelle, and Magnus. Jace wasn't supposed to know, he was never supposed to know. It would ruin everything, end all that they had built between them. It would burn the bridge between them, and nothing would ever be the same.

"What? No, of course not. Seriously Jace, if that's your attempt at an ego boost, it was terrible. Just because I'm gay doesn't mean I like every guy I see. You're my brother for Christ's sake." Alec tried to put as much behind those words as he could, hoping that he could just convince Jace and get him to leave it be.

"Yeah and that would just be awkward." He laughed softly. "But I was just wondering."

"No Jace. I didn't ever like you." Alec prayed that this was enough to convince Jace otherwise.

"Oh, okay. But you know if you did, it wouldn't really bother me. I mean, look at me, who doesn't like this? It would only make sense that you'd want a piece of it." Jace joked, pausing. "Alright, I'll let you go Alec. Just do what Izzy said. And good luck."

"Thanks Jace."

"Bye." Jace hung up, followed shortly by Alec, whose arm fell loosely by his side as he sat in bewilderment at what had just transpired. Wow. That was all there was to it. Underneath the awkwardness of that last part of the conversation, Alec knew there was a lot more to it. Jace hadn't asked that question on a whim, he had known. Alec didn't know for how long, but Jace had known, and for some reason he had found the need to bring it up now. Maybe it was because they were talking about feelings and that was Jace's way of doing that. Alec understood that in Jace's roundabout way, he had told Alec he knew and he was okay with it. He was telling Alec that he had nothing to worry about and everything was okay with them. In a way, Alec always saw it going down that way; so simple, so short. He never envisioned it as some big conversation but instead just like this, where in one sentence, Jace expressed how he felt and made Alec feel okay with it. Alec felt a weight lift from his shoulders, the weight of knowing that Jace finally knew and it changed nothing.

So on top of the fact he'd just gotten an earful of relationship advice from his younger siblings, he'd also gotten closure with a part of his past with Jace, and he felt like he could now move on from it, and that felt amazing.

Now Alec didn't know what he was going to do about Magnus. Isabelle had said to listen to his heart, but there was only one problem; if it was speaking, it wasn't speaking very loudly. Alec wasn't getting anything from it, it was such a tangled mess of pieces. His head was telling him things, but his heart, his heart was as silent as ever, numb from the pain of losing Magnus.

Alec looked down at his phone, his mind reeling. He could always call him, see if he answered. But then what was he going to say? 'Magnus, I love you, please come back to me'? No, it wasn't that easy. And Alec would be lucky if he even picked up. Then he could always leave a message, but what would he say then? It was all so confusing. Alec knew what he wanted, but he had no idea how to get it. He had no idea what words he'd have to choose to get through to Magnus. He had no idea which words would bring Magnus back to him. Isabelle would tell him to speak from his heart, but his heart wasn't saying a word, just simply sitting there, pumping slowly. But Alec knew he had to listen more closely. He knew he had to find the words in his heart or he'd never get Magnus back.

Alec stared at his phone for a few more minutes. He had an idea and he just prayed it worked. He opened up a new text message, his fingers shaking as he typed. _Please Magnus, please get this. Please come back to me. _

He hit send.

**Meet me at your tree. **

* * *

Time seemed to stand still. Despite the fact that Alec was running, everything felt like it was frozen in place. People appeared stranded in space, the ground beneath Alec's feet the thing that was moving, and not him. He didn't register anything; not the fall of his feet on the beaten concrete, or the wind against his skin, or even his own heart beating in his chest. He only saw Magnus, his thoughts focused solely on that place where they had first met. He hoped Magnus would go. This was his chance. This was his chance to finally make a move in his life instead of letting life make his moves for him. This was his chance to tell Magnus how he felt and make him listen, and possibly bring him back to him.

The world flew by unnoticed as his feet traveled the twists and turns of the path to the courtyard. Alec stopped, the courtyard opening up before him. People milled about, suddenly coming into focus in Alec's distracted brain. He didn't register their faces, his mind only searching for one face, one glitter lacking and sad face. Alec's eyes landed on Magnus sitting at his tree, his body hunched over his sketchbook, a pencil held lightly in his hand. Alec's heart hitched in his chest. He'd come. Alec had honestly expected to find no one there, or maybe some stranger. But there he was. He had come, just as Alec had hoped he would.

Alec smiled softly, loving the sight of Magnus doing what he loved. Alec was glad to know Magnus hadn't let himself let that go. He knew that art was Magnus' constant, the one thing that Magnus knew would never leave or fail him. And it was Magnus' reminder of the happy times in his life. It was his lifeline, his thing that kept him pushing through the darkness.

Alec started towards him slowly, his eyes focused on Magnus' face. He could see the lines that traced his perfect skin, the circles underneath his unlined eyes, and the dip in the smile that had always been there before. This wasn't Magnus. He wasn't colourful or glittering; he was dark, or plain as Magnus would say. Alec hated seeing that Magnus had let himself fall to this condition. This wasn't like Magnus; he would never go out in public without make-up and his hair done. Never.

Alec neared the tree, his heart racing out of his chest. He knew what he wanted to say to Magnus, but it was a jumbled mess, the words incoherent to even his own thoughts. He knew he wanted to tell Magnus that he loved him and he wanted to be with him forever and that Magnus would never hurt him. He wanted to let Magnus know that he wasn't his father, that he didn't need to be afraid, that this was different than Magnus thought it was. He wanted to make Magnus come back to him. He wanted the life they had back. He wanted Magnus back.

He stopped a few feet from the tree, trying to steady his breathing. He pulled out his phone, sending another message to Magnus.

**Don't run. **

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So there you have it. What do you think Magnus is going to do? Next chapter my darlings. Anyway, please review and let me know what you think and thanks again for reading. I lover every single one of you. So I'm off to go work on the next chapter now and hopefully the next update should be soon. Bye for now my lovely readers. Until next time.  
Amber


	27. Unpretending

Chapter 27

Unpretending

Hi! So i'm back. Thank you all for all the wonderful reviews on the last chapter. You make me all so happy. Sorry this chapter took a little bit longer than I had hoped to update. But hopefully you all like it. Please enjoy!

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Songs:

Love Heals-Rent

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His hand flew over the page, the charcoal carving deep lines into the paper canvas. They spoke the words of his soul, spinning a web of lies to cover up the truth he was trying not to face. Each line met with another, mixing into the mirror image of Magnus' heart. He worked frantically, hardly paying any attention to what it was he was creating. He didn't even care really. He just needed to draw, to pour onto canvas the words he was to afraid to say, the thoughts he was too afraid to face.

All he wanted to do was close his eyes and see nothing, to think and hear nothing inside of him. He wanted his heart to beat without breaking with each pump, his blood to not burn as it passed through his aching body. He just wanted darkness, darkness that wasn't full of waiting demons, but simply held nothing. He just wanted to forget, to run, to hide. He just wanted it to stop hurting, to stop feeling like he was dying slowly each day. His life was a broken record on repeat, replaying with each passing second the unfinished melody of his past.

Magnus had never felt like this in his life. He'd felt physical pain, he'd felt the feeling of being nothing, of being alone, and he'd felt the feeling of losing the one person in your life that you loved. But the pain he was feeling now was nothing like the pain he'd experienced before. This was self-inflicted pain, pain that he was forcing himself through to protect Alec. This was the pain of remembering, of hating himself, and of losing the best thing he'd ever had. He hadn't wanted to do it but he couldn't stop himself. He knew he had to. It was the right thing to do, to leave Alec. At least, at the time it had seemed the right thing. But now, after going to see his mother and opening his eyes to everything he'd forgotten, he'd realized the truth. He'd realized how selfish and caught up he was in his own feelings and thoughts that he hadn't even stopped to consider Alec. He realized that he'd forgotten his mother's key lesson, that love was unstoppable, and no matter what Magnus was feeling, no matter what he feared, his love with Alec was strong enough to beat that. But Magnus hadn't been able to see that. He hadn't been able to see past the darkness shrouding his heart to the light inside of it that was Alec. He'd been so blinded by his past with his father that he'd forgotten his happiest memories of his past, the memories of his mother. He'd gotten caught up in his father's lessons of love and forgotten the one he had cherished the most. And now, Alec was gone. All because Magnus had lost himself in his fears and let those rule his heart instead of his heart itself.

So now he was sitting here, contemplating what to do next. He wanted to listen to his mother, to run after Alec and apologize and beg him to take him back, but he just didn't think it was that easy. As amazing as it had felt to visit his mother and finally speak the truth that he'd kept buried inside, he still had those fears. He still had his problems that were the reason he'd left Alec in the first place. He wasn't going to ask for forgiveness when what had made him leave was still living with him. He had told Alec he needed time, and he did. Now maybe time could heal his scars enough that he could ask for Alec to forgive him. Maybe time could bring him to push past the fears and love again. And maybe time could heal his heart that was so shattered the pieces weren't even distinguishable from the cells of his body.

Magnus jumped as his phone vibrated in his pocket. A part of him prayed it was Alec, but the other part hoped to God that it wasn't him so that Magnus wouldn't have to fight temptation and his heart. Magnus didn't have the courage to look at it. He knew what Alec wanted but he couldn't give him that. If he stayed away, he could find the time to work things out with himself. He just knew that one look in those eyes would shatter his heart into oblivion. There was no denying that he would run back to Alec and fall on his knees, begging for forgiveness, begging for him to take him back.

Magnus pulled out his phone, Alec's name flashing across the screen. He fought the urge to read it. He knew if he read it, his resolve would crumble and he'd give in to everything he was feeling and forget any logic.

But he gave in. He couldn't help it. Alec's name flashing back at him was too much. Magnus wanted nothing more than to hold Alec again, to kiss him and love him. He wanted nothing more than to call him his again. So seeing his name, knowing Alec had sent him something, made him cave into that want. A text message was better than nothing.

**Meet me at your tree.**

Magnus looked at the text confused, his mind racing. He wanted to meet him. Well Magnus was already there but he didn't know if he could handle seeing him again, not yet. He needed some time, and then everything would be okay. Just another day to work things out in his brain, that was all he needed. But, love didn't wait, that was something else his mother had told him. Love didn't hold it's breath and wait until you were ready to let it breathe. No, it breathed of its own accord, whether you wanted it to or not, whether or not your heart was willing to accept the oxygen. And so here was love, running right at him, giving him only two choices: run, or stay where he was. Magnus was an expert at running, so that option was a no brainer, but every single part of his body was screaming at him to stay. Every part but that small scared part of him that was his constant companion. If he ran, he could get away from facing the truth for a little bit longer, but if he stayed, he could face Alec, and face all the truth, all the words, everything that he hadn't yet said aloud to Alec. If he stayed, he could tell Alec why and explain everything. And he could ask for forgiveness, if Alec was willing to give it.

A few minutes passed as Magnus tried to figure out what to do. He was rooted to the spot, lost as Alec's text message swam in his vision. Why did Alec want to see him? Magnus was so sure after everything Alec wouldn't want to talk to him again, not after the hurt Magnus knew he'd caused him. He was so sure it was all over, despite how much he still loved Alec. He had been stupid, he knew that now. But he hadn't known it when he'd run from Alec. He'd been blinded by fear and memories and he hadn't seen Alec. He hadn't seen a single thing beyond his own past, playing over and over in front of his eyes. He hadn't seen Alec and how much he loved him because he'd let darkness cloud his being, blocking out his heart from his brain, and his brain from the truth.

Magnus jumped when his phone vibrated again in his hand. It was Alec.

**Don't run. **

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Alec watched as Magnus picked his phone up, reading the text. Then Magnus looked up, their eyes meeting. Alec's heart skipped a few beats, breaking in his chest for the hundredth time in the last couple days. The sadness that swirled in Magnus' eyes tore Alec apart. He could see Magnus' fear, burning like a thousand fires in the depths of his eyes, and underneath the fear, he could see Magnus' guilt and anger. It was so easy for Alec to see everything in Magnus' eyes, to see the pain and the turmoil and the truth behind all the lies Magnus spun for them both.

"Magnus..." Alec's voice cracked in his throat, burning as Magnus' name passed his lips.

Magnus stood up quickly, his facing shifting emotions, his eyes alight with the thoughts Alec knew were flying through his brain. "I'm sorry Alec. I shouldn't have... I have to go." His words were so silent as he shoved his sketchbook in his bag and his phone in his pocket, his motions shaky and clumsy.

"Magnus, please, don't run. Not now. Not this time."

Magnus froze, his back to Alec.

"Please, you said what you needed to say, now give me a chance. If you still feel the same way I'll go and I'll never bother you again. But please, just let me speak." His voice was shaking, his words coming out in unmeasured beats. He prayed Magnus would turn around. Alec didn't know if he wanted to meet the pain in Magnus' eyes again, but he needed to see them, he needed to see Magnus' face. He didn't think he could bear watching him walk away again.

Magnus' shoulders tensed as he turned around to meet Alec's gaze. Alec could see how much it hurt him to do it, and Alec fought against the need to take Magnus in his arms and hold him until all the pain went away. Magnus didn't say anything, simply stood there, looking completely and utterly defeated.

Alec didn't know where to start. It was so much easier to say it all in his head then to actually put voice to it.

"I remember the first time we met, right here. We talked about love. You said that we do what we do for love." Alec paused. "The last thing you said to me was that you loved me too much to not give me what I deserved and to end up hurting me in the end. I understand that those are the things you feel you are doing for love, but now it's my turn to tell you what I'll do." Alec took a deep breath, trying to steady his body. "I'll take it Magnus. I'll take the pain, whatever it is you're afraid of doing to me. Do you know why? Because I love you too much to just let you walk away like this. I know you're making yourself believe these words you told me, but I don't believe them. I don't believe that I deserve more..."

"You do." Magnus cut in, his head hanging; his eyes averted to the ground as his words fell softly from his lips.

An angry fire lit in Alec. He just wanted Magnus to see that that wasn't true, that nothing Magnus said to him had any truth behind it. "No. No Magnus. You don't get to tell me what it is I deserve, you hear me?" Magnus looked up at him. "Only I get to decide that. And I don't want anything more than what I have from you. I love you Magnus. I love you as I have never loved anyone and I don't care about the future or what you could do. I just care about now. I care about you and about us. I know you're afraid Magnus. I get it."

"No Alec, you don't. You don't understand how I feel."

"Then help me understand."

"You can't." A tear slipped past Magnus' eyes, falling to the ground as his voice wavered in his throat. "You can't understand Alec. You can't." His voice got softer, falling to a whisper.

"Okay. I can't," Alec agreed softly. "I don't know what you went through and I can't know what you're going through now. But I made a promise to you to never hurt you. I promised I would help fix what you thought was broken. You told me that you would hold me to that. But I can't keep my promise if you won't let me." Alec felt a tear slip down his cheek as he tried to push back the other ones. He didn't want to cry. He'd cried too much already. "I know that there is so much you haven't been telling me, and do you know how hard it is to be there for you, when I don't know what it is I'm supposed to be there for? All I want is to hold you and love you and tell you that everything is going to be okay, but I can't if you won't let me. I can't when you're pulling away from me."

"Alec... I'm afraid. I'm afraid I'll hurt you." The pain in Magnus' voice tore through Alec. He didn't want Magnus to think like that. Alec knew that it wasn't true, that Magnus wouldn't do anything to him that his father had done. Alec knew that Magnus wasn't his father.

"Did you ever think that I don't care if I get hurt? That I'm willing to take that chance because the thought of having you and getting hurt is so much better than the thought of not having you at all? Did you ever think about how I felt?"

"Of course I did. Alec, you're all I think about. I spend every second of my day thinking about you and all I can think about is how much I love you and how much you've changed my life."

"Okay fine, you think about how much you love me, but that's not what I mean. This, what you're doing, you're being selfish."

"Selfish? How am I being selfish?" His eyes seemed to flare in that split second as Alec knew his words cut through him.

"Because you never even gave me a chance. It wasn't even a discussion. You just told me how it was and left. Well things don't work that way Magnus. You can't just pick up and leave without barely an explanation and think everything's going to be okay. It was just how you felt, what you thought was right, and not once did you give me a chance to tell you otherwise. Look Magnus, I get it. I get that you're haunted by your past, I know it wasn't easy. But this isn't the same. You're not your father. I know you're scared you'll be like him, that you'll hurt me, but I know you. I know you could never do that. And you know what? You're scared that by staying with me that you will hurt me, but you know what hurts the most? Watching you leave. Not having you in my life is what hurts me the most. So please Magnus, please come back to me." His eyes searched Magnus for an answer, his whole being begging with all it had that Magnus would just come back. He didn't know what he'd do without Magnus in his life. Magnus had honestly become his whole life and Alec didn't know what he'd do if he was forced to start over. He didn't even know if he'd know how.

Alec knew that Magnus knew deep down inside that this whole thing was unreasonable. Alec knew that somewhere inside of him, Magnus knew he wasn't his father. Alec just needed to get Magnus to see it too. He needed Magnus to open his eyes and see that where his fears were understandable, his actions were not.

"Alec... I... I never expected to feel this way for you. I never thought that you would be the one to change me, to make me feel again. I never expected to fall in love with you. I thought that this would just be like all my other relationships, but it wasn't. And I wasn't ready for that Alec. I think sometimes that I should have never come to your door that night."

"Magnus, don't say that."

"Really though Alec, who was I fooling? I'm not meant to fall in love and be happy. It's just not in my cards. I have too much baggage, too many demons." Magnus sighed, averting his gaze as a tear slipped down his cheek. "You never should have fallen in love with me."

Alec closed the distance between them in a quick second. He placed a hand on Magnus' face, brushing the tear away with the pad of his thumb. Magnus looked back up, meeting Alec's gaze. "Listen here Magnus. You are the man that I'm in love with. I don't regret a single moment I have spent with you. You've changed my life, and you've changed me for the better. I don't care about baggage or demons or whatever else you think you have that I shouldn't love. I love you Magnus, every single part of you, and don't you ever tell me that I shouldn't have fallen in love with you. Falling in love with you is the best damn thing I've ever done and I will never regret it or stop feeling this way." Alec stopped, meeting Magnus' eyes. They swirled with tears, the normally bright green-yellow of his eyes dull, almost tired looking. Alec knew Magnus was drained, the memories of his life finally taking their toll on his soul. Alec knew Magnus was broken, he knew that he didn't know what to do and that Magnus' emotions were ruling over his head. He knew that once Magnus opened his eyes to see that truth, that he'd understand and he'd come back.

"Alec..." Magnus bit his lip, his eyes darting away to look around. "There are people watching."

Alec hadn't noticed it before, having eyes only for Magnus. But he saw it now, the people who were sharing sideways glances at them, the whispers of those close enough to hear them. And it was funny. Alec had expected the first moment in public to be the scariest experience of his life, for his whole body to be gripped with fear. But right here, right now, he hadn't even had a single thought about the people around them. His only fear was watching Magnus walk away again. It was this moment that he realized the truth behind his fears, something he had been to blind to see before. It wasn't the thoughts of the people you didn't know that should matter, it was just the thoughts of those you loved that mattered. It was the thoughts of Magnus that mattered to him. And he realized that his love for Magnus was stronger than his fear of being accepted. Alec's need to kiss Magnus and hold him and tell him he loved him was so much stronger than his fear of people judging him because he'd come to realize that as long as he had Magnus, he could fall and someone would be there to catch him.

"Let them watch. Right now all I care about is you. I just want you back Magnus. This feeling of not having you is tearing me apart. You're the one thing in my life that has ever made me truly happy. I'm alive with you Magnus, and I don't want to lose you. So please, please see that you are not your father, that you are the most beautiful person that I have ever met." Alec paused, biting back the burning tears that seared his skin. He searched Magnus' eyes, holding them, praying that Magnus didn't look away. "Take a step with me Magnus. Throw your fears away and let yourself be free. Stop worrying about what could be and live with me, right here, right now. And if we take this step, and we fall, at least we fall together."

Magnus didn't look away, instead their eyes were level, seconds passing between them. Alec watched the emotions swirling in the depth of Magnus' eyes, the eyes that Alec had fallen so quickly in love with from the start. They were rimmed with tears, the tears that they both shared, that were shed from their broken hearts.

"Alec... I don't know what to say."

"Please, just tell me you love me," Alec begged holding onto that glimmer of hope like a lifeline.

Magnus blinked, another tear falling, catching on Alec's burning skin. "I love you. God, I love you so much." More tears fell as he placed a hand on Alec's, entwining their fingers together. "I am so sorry. I am such an idiot. Alec, I'm so scared, but I don't want to be. I don't want to be afraid of loving you. But I am. I'm so scared because I've lost everything I've ever loved. I'm scared that if I lose you, I'll never be able to survive it. I thought leaving you would be easier, that I would be saving you from me, but really I was just hurting you." Magnus paused. "I'm so confused Alec. I'm lost in the memories of everything and I can't figure it out anymore. I feel like I'm falling and I don't know why and I don't know when it's going to stop. I just... I just don't know anything anymore Alec. I don't know how to handle loving you and I don't know how to handle this feeling in my heart. I'm scared of the future, of everything. Of myself. I'm so scared... Alec, I'm so sorry." Magnus' head fell, his eyes closing in shame as he dropped Alec's hand.

"Magnus, look at me."

Magnus looked up, his face swimming with the shame he was feeling for what he had done, for how he felt.

"Let yourself fall. I'm here to catch you. I'm here to help you figure it out. You just have to let me in. You have to stop trying to handle everything on your own and trust me. You have to give me the chance to understand before you run away from me. So please, please just let me in. Tell me why you're afraid, why the memories are back. Tell me everything. You don't have to go it alone Magnus, not anymore. So just come back to me."

Magnus didn't say anything, instead raising his hand to brush Alec's own tears from his face. His hand lingered there, his skin soft and welcomed against Alec's own. "You'll really take me back after what I did?"

"It'll take a lot for me to let you go Magnus."

Magnus sighed, his head falling, their foreheads meeting softly. "I'm so sorry Alec. I was wrong, I was so so wrong. I just didn't know what else to do."

"I know Magnus. But you don't have to be afraid anymore. You don't have to run."

"I'm so tired of running."

"I know."

"I love you Alec."

"I love you too Magnus." Alec leaned forward, capturing Magnus' lips with his own. Magnus gasped against his lips as did others around him, but they meant nothing to Alec. All that mattered to him was Magnus. Alec wrapped his arms around Magnus' waist, pulling him closer as the broken pieces of his body came crashing back together again. He let his heart sing as Magnus relaxed against his hands. Alec gave into the kiss, letting the world fall away so that all that remained was Magnus and the connection that sparked between their hearts. Those sparks became the stitches that pulled his heart back together again.

Alec had forgotten just how perfect this felt, his body moulded to Magnus', his being in complete tune with every heart beat and movement Magnus made. Magnus' hands entwined in Alec's hair, pulling him down closer, trying to fill the need they both had for each other. It was all so beautiful. It was better than a dream. Alec finally had Magnus back in his arms and he wasn't going to let him go.

"Thank you," Magnus said against his lips, pulling away softly.

Alec smiled. "You're welcome."

"You know, there are people watching."

"Yeah."

"You don't care?"

"You're all I care about."

They both smiled, capturing each other's lips again, spilling into that simple connection all that they felt for each other. It spoke everything they'd left unspoken and all that they had said. To Alec, this kiss was the world, the air, water - everything that he needed to survive. Magnus was all he needed to keep going, to keep feeling alive and happy. He didn't care about the people who had witnessed their exchange and what they thought of him. None of that mattered. All that mattered was that he loved Magnus and that for once in both their lives, they weren't afraid, they weren't running, they weren't doing anything but standing still, holding each other. There was nothing more to it then that. Nothing more simple.

There was nothing else to it but love.

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So there you go. I hope it was okay and everyone liked it. I'll try and get the next chaper up as soon as possible. Thank you all for reading. I love every single one of you and you're all amazing. Until next time my lovely readers.

Be the change,  
Amber


	28. Unwarranted

Chapter 28

Unwarranted

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Okay, so I am so so so very sorry this update was so late. Please don't hate me. My beta and I feel terrible this took so long, but live just got crazy busy for both of us in August. I was working crazy hours at work and so was she, her internet went down so I couldn't send her the chapter, I haven't had a free day to sit down and write in weeks due to two vacations, a road trip, a musical, and a million other things. But I managed to squeeze a free hours free and write up this for you and I hope you can all forgive me for taking this long. I never meant for it to be a month between updates and I really am so so sorry. I will try not to let that happen again. But, anyway here you go. Thank you all for the lovely reviews last chapter and for reading and being amazing. I love all of you. Thank you and enjoy!

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Songs:

You and Me-Lifehouse

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He was flying. Okay, so not literally, but it sure felt like it. Here he was sitting with Alec at his tree, as it had been for the last few hours, and he couldn't be happier. He felt like he was dreaming, lost in a world he had only hoped to achieve. Honestly, he hadn't expected much. He had feared Alec wouldn't even give him the time of day if he tried to talk to him. But he had been wrong, so so wrong, in every single one of his fears. Alec had given him the time of day and Alec had come for him. Alec had told him everything Magnus had needed to hear, but had been too afraid to listen to. Alec had made him feel like a person again, like something special. He had reminded him of everything he was blinded to and everything he had repressed and pushed from his life. Without Alec, Magnus knew he'd have nothing. Magnus knew he'd be lost and broken somewhere, and with any luck, he'd be nothing in a few years; torn apart from the memories and the man he believed he was becoming. But that future was no more, not so long as Alec was in his life, in charge of his heart.

When Magnus looked up and saw Alec standing there, he hadn't known what to do. His body threatened to run but his heart was so numb from it all he hadn't known what to do. He was so shocked to see Alec, to think that Alec had actually come back to him like that. He hadn't known what he was expecting to escape Alec's lips, but it hadn't been that. It hadn't been those words that his heart had needed so badly. He had expected nothing, for Alec to just enforce what Magnus thought of himself. But no, Alec hadn't done that. Alec had been the amazing, beautiful person that Magnus knew him to be. He had forgiven him when he didn't deserve it while at the same time taking a chance to fall by doing it all in front of part of the school population. Magnus didn't know what to say or what to do to repay Alec for his actions. He wasn't even sure he'd come to grasps with it all yet. It was like that moment where you're running towards something but you forgot something and have to turn around, but by the time you get there you don't know what you forgot. So you start heading back the way you came and get halfway before you realize you don't even know what you were running for in the first place, and then you're lost in the middle, not sure which way to go. That was Magnus, always running and always forgetting what it was he was running to and what he was running from. But now he was starting to find his way, with Alec holding his hand to lead him on. That was what he had needed this whole time, someone just to tell him what direction to take. And that person was Alec. It made him think that all those roads he'd guessed at and stumbled down had just been meant to lead him to Alec. And now, for the first time in Magnus' life, he thought he'd finally found his way.

Magnus looked down at Alec whose head was rested lightly on Magnus' shoulder. He ran his fingers lazily through Alec's hair, savouring the feel of the soft strands between his fingers. He always loved these moments, of just being there in the moment, taking in everything he felt for Alec. It was nice to just be with him, touching, together, nothing else between them but the contact of their skin and hearts.

Alec's eyes shone, a vibrant blue against the pale and brown backdrop. His eyes searched Magnus' and he felt like Alec was reading everything in his soul. Magnus didn't know how he did it but that blue dug deep into his soul, fishing out everything and presenting it on his skin for Alec to read. In a way, that was a good thing. Magnus was so scared to say anything that it was good that Alec could read him, or else Alec might never know anything that was going on inside Magnus. But Magnus vowed to change that. It was the silence that had forced him to leave, the not speaking about that which mattered the most. So he was going to start telling Alec the truth. It was that or he pushed Alec so far away he wouldn't be able to find him. And he didn't want to do that. He wanted to pull Alec close and never let him go. So he was going to start telling him the truth and stop being afraid. Sure, he was still afraid, his father was still forever on his mind, but he had Alec now. He had someone behind him if he fell and he had someone he could tell things to instead of bottling it up until it destroyed him. He wasn't going to let his past and his fears control him as much anymore. He was going to fight them now because he had someone worth fighting them for.

"So, where do we go from here?" Magnus asked.

"Hmm?" Alec replied lazily, his fingers tracing softly over the top of Magnus' hands, sending chills up Magnus' spine.

"You know, with everything? I mean are you okay with all of this?" Magnus looked around them, at the few people who passed on their way home from late afternoon classes. Some would send glances their way, while others would carry on with their day, like nothing. It had been that way for a few hours now but nothing seemed to affect Alec. Magnus was okay with it, he couldn't care less what they thought, but with Alec it was different. This was obviously new to him, but yet he'd slipped into the moment of being with Magnus in public like it was natural. But Magnus wanted to make sure Alec understood all that this meant. Hell, even part of his brain was still trying to wrap itself around the implications of all that had transpired. Not only had Alec forgiven him and taken him back with open arms but the boy had also told the whole world he was gay and he seemed completely unfazed by it. That just didn't make sense after everything Alec had gone through with dealing with going public. Magnus had expected something from Alec, and whether it was extreme or not, he'd still expected some response instead of this comfortable silence.

Alec looked up at Magnus, his hand stopping. "You're waiting for me to freak out about the fact I made out with you in front of about a hundred people aren't you?"

"Well yeah. I just... I guess I didn't think you were ready for the whole public thing. Especially after what I did." Magnus lowered his eyes in shame still not forgiving himself for what he'd done. How could he? What he'd wanted most to save Alec from, he'd ended up doing just by leaving him. Alec had been right. Magnus had been selfish. He'd only been thinking about himself, about what he was doing for Alec, and not what Alec would have wanted. He hadn't thought about what Alec would feel now but how he'd feel in the future if something happened. Magnus had left in fear of the possibility of damage, while it was leaving that had done the most damage. Looking at Alec he knew he was blessed. It took someone really special to handle Magnus, he knew that. He couldn't even handle himself sometimes, let alone expect someone else to handle him. But Alec had. Alec had taken it all in stride, standing by him when he was too afraid to ask for help and picking him back up when he'd been weak enough to fall. Alec had taken him scars and all and never asked for anything in return. He'd been that which Magnus had been searching for his whole life but had been too blind to see.

Alec's hand came to Magnus' chin, his fingers lifting it so Magnus' eyes met his. There was a softness in Alec's eyes that told Magnus everything he needed to hear without needing to say it. He had always loved those eyes and he didn't know what he'd do if he couldn't see them ever again.

"Do I really need to tell you again why I came back to you?" A small smile tugged at Alec's lips, curving into his eyes, a gleeful glint reflecting in the sapphire irises. "Because I'll tell you. I'll tell you a million times over if that's what it really takes for you to believe it."

"Alec..." Magnus' gaze fell slightly, faltering as he tried to keep them on those baby blues.

"I love you Magnus Bane, and no matter what happens, nothing's going to change that. You can walk out on me, but I will still come running after you, because I don't want to let you go." Alec's hand moved to Magnus' face, his fingers caressing his skin softly as they tucked a loose strand of hair behind Magnus' ear. "I won't let you go." Alec smiled lightly and Magnus couldn't help but return the action, his heart warming in the process.

"Alec, I'm sorry..."

Alec's finger moved to Magnus' lips to quiet him. "Shhh. What happened happened, now we just have to move on and put that behind us okay?" Magnus nodded. "And that means you need to start talking to me. You can't deal with everything on your own anymore, not if we're to make this work. You got to let me in."

"I know."

"So that means you've got to promise me that if something happens you'll tell me. And you've got to promise that when it gets hard you won't just walk out, you understand?"

"I do now," Magnus replied softly. "I just, I don't know how to do that Alec. I don't know how to talk about these kinds of things."

"It's never easy Magnus, but you've got to do it or you're going to destroy yourself. You've opened up to me before, about things you never thought you would, so I know you can do it again. You're just afraid and you're psyching yourself out." Alec massaged his thumb over Magnus' skin sending a comforting warm electricity through Magnus' body. "Just tell me what's going on. I'm here to listen and I always will be."

Magnus met Alec's gaze and it was enough to send Magnus over the edge. "You're too good for me, you know that?"

"Stop saying that. Haven't I told you already that I don't want more and you're all I'll ever need?" Alec smiled lightly, the fading daylight dancing in his eyes like the sun setting into the ocean. "Or do I need to make out with you in front of a hundred people again to prove that point?"

They both laughed softly, Alec's laughter ringing beautifully in Magnus' ears. God, that laugh. Alec would never understand the things that simple action did to Magnus. Alec's laughter filled his heart with a long lost light and brought a smile to Magnus' face that too had been long lost. Alec reminded Magnus of everything it meant to be happy, and he had been so stupid to have left that happiness behind.

"Alec you didn't have to do that, you know."

"I know. But I wanted to. I needed to; for me, and for you."

"You didn't need to do anything for me, not after what I did to you."

"Magnus, you had your reasons for what you did, and I understand them. I won't lie that it hurt and it still does, but I know we can make it through it. I know you can make it through it. What I did, I can't say that was planned. All I knew was that I needed to talk to you and I didn't care where. I just wanted you to know how I felt and I wanted you back. I love you Magnus and with you leaving I realized that I loved you too much to keep hiding, to keep being afraid. You mean too much to me to let things like that push us apart. And really, it feels fucking good." Alec laughed, letting out a deep breath of air. "It's not so scary once I think about it, because I've got you. And because I have you I don't really care what they think because they can't ruin what I have. You're so much more important to me then some stranger's opinion and all that matters is that I have you. And maybe tomorrow I'll feel a little different, but right now I couldn't be happier. I finally feel free and I'm here with you. I couldn't ask for anything more." Alec smiled, a soft blush creeping onto his cheeks as his gaze fell in that beautiful way it always did when Alec became self conscious of something he'd said. "Was that too much?"

"Not at all darling, not at all." Magnus looked at Alec who had moved his gaze back to him. Magnus moved forward slightly, their foreheads meeting softly. Magnus's eyes slipped shut slightly, taking in the small contact and letting the feeling rush over him. It was official, Magnus knew he'd never love someone else the way he loved Alec Lightwood. There would never be another Alexander Lightwood for him, and if he didn't have Alec, he knew he'd never have anything. He knew that was drastic, extreme, to say he'd have nothing without a certain boy in his life, but he knew it was true. His heart knew it, his brain knew it, and the whole universe knew it. Alec was his heart, his life, his everything. If he ever lost Alec, he'd lose that, and he saw that now like a blinding light that overtook his senses. He saw now how wrong and irrational he'd been through the whole thing. Alec was a light, a heartbeat, a reason for him to live, and without him, Magnus would become nothing.

Magnus closed the last few centimetres between them, their lips touching in a soft embrace. Neither of them pushed it any further, their lips simply touching, speaking as loud as words in their closed state. Alec's hand moved to wrap around Magnus' neck, his fingers entwining in the onyx strands at the base, sending a shiver down Magnus' spine. Magnus' own hand moved to the side of Alec's face, cradling it gently as Alec's hand around his neck pulled him in closer.

Fireworks burst inside of Magnus, lit from the happiness that fired inside of him. This touch, this embrace, this boy, was his lifeline. He was what kept Magnus holding on to sanity, to reality. Without him, Magnus would be spiraling, a cold bottomless pit his end destination. But that wasn't a possibility now. All those future possibilities that had been created by Magnus' fears went out the window as his one true future possibility lit up inside of him. And that possibility he now held in his arms, and he vowed to never let him go again.

Magnus pulled apart slowly, their foreheads still touching. "Thank you."

Alec just smiled, nodding slightly. God, how did he get so lucky? He would never understand it. He would never get how he had been fortunate enough to have the most amazing beautiful man on the planet.

Magnus placed another soft kiss to Alec's waiting lips before pulling away completely. His arms still held Alec close and Magnus could feel Alec's heartbeat against his own, beating in unison. Magnus looked down at Alec and then out at the deserted ground around them. He took a deep breath before looking back at Alec. He deserved to know the truth, the reason why Magnus had done what he'd done, the reason why he was still fighting to cope, despite the turn of events.

"Alec..."

"What?" Alec waited for a response but Magnus couldn't seem to form the right words that he wanted to say. "Are you going to tell me what's been going on, what got you so worked up?"

Magnus looked at Alec, a few seconds passing between them. "My father."

"What about your father?"

"He's dying," Magnus stated, not finding the words to elaborate much more on the subject.

"And how'd you figure that out?"

"The hospital called me a couple weeks ago. He's got stage 4 liver cancer and a month to live." Magnus paused, the act of talking about his father bringing everything back up. He fought to push it back down. Now was not the time to remember. Now was the time to let it out. "He asked them to get a hold of me because he wanted to see me."

"And?"

Magnus appreciated Alec's quick questions. They kept him talking and kept him telling his story. They left little time for him to pause and dwell on the more intricate facts. But Magnus knew where Alec was going with it. Alec knew that wasn't what had really set Magnus off, he knew there was something more to it and that's what he wanted from Magnus. He wanted the truth, the reason why Magnus was so afraid of becoming his father again.

"And... I remembered."

"Remembered what Magnus?" Alec's voice was soft, soothing in the cold early spring night.

"The night she died." Magnus' eyes left Alec's, falling to the ground around him. _Don't bring it up Magnus. You_ _can talk about it without remembering. You can do it. _He pushed the memory and the pain down, suffocating it beneath the happiness that now filled his soul. "When I dream at night, I remember everything that happened to me. I remember my father, my mother, and the foster homes. But that night, that night... I haven't remembered that since I was 12 years old." Magnus choked on the words as they left his throat. "I've lived with it, with the knowing of what happened, but I buried it so far down that I forced myself to forget, I repressed that memory. But when I got that call, I just couldn't hold it down any longer. And then it became me Alec, it haunted me with every step I took and I couldn't forget. I couldn't forget him." A tear fell from Magnus' eye and he brushed it away quickly, mentally chastising himself for crying. He didn't want to cry anymore. He'd done enough of that already. "I didn't know how to handle it and so I let it take me over. And that's why I was so afraid Alec. I was so afraid that it would happen again, that I would become my father."

"Magnus, you are not your father." Alec's finger brushed softly at the tear that escaped Magnus' eyes, wiping it from his skin.

"The last thing my father ever said to me was to never fall in love, it'll just kill you both in the end. Alec, I was so afraid that he was right. I lived my life listening to him tell me that love was destructive and wrong. I tried so hard to not listen to him, but it was so difficult Alec. It was so hard to not to hear his words and they've haunted me ever since. He's haunted me my whole life Alec, and that's why I left. That's why I thought I was going to hurt you. I let my father control me when he wasn't even here. I let him take over my heart and in the meantime forgot everything my mother ever taught me." Magnus paused. "It's no excuse, I know."

"Magnus, it's completely understandable. I may not know what you're going through or what you experienced but I get it. I get why you were afraid, why you were haunted by your past, anyone would be. You don't need an excuse for how you felt, you can't help that. But you have to stop letting him control you. He's not here, he's not part of your life. He's nothing. You have to leave him behind and live your own life, your own way. Stop letting his memory control you."

"You are way too understanding, you know that?"

"It's one of my more endearing qualities, I think." Alec grinned, laughing. He moved his hand to wipe away a few more tears from Magnus' cold skin. "Now stop crying. I think we've both done enough of that the last few days." He smiled, his smile growing even larger as the sky opened up and raindrops started falling on them. The water was warm on Magnus' skin, seeping through the thin jacket he had on. Leave it to the weather to rain on them then. But then again, Magnus found no reason to complain about a wet Alec. The thought alone did things to him.

"We should probably get going inside," said Magnus.

Alec nodded taking Magnus' outstretched hand as they both stood. Magnus started to leave when Alec pulled him back. Magnus looked at him, catching a mischievous glint in his eye that he hadn't really seen there before. He raised an eyebrow in questioning as Alec pulled him closer, their bodies coming together.

"Why do you have that look?"

"Oh, don't tell me you don't have some movie fantasy about kissing in the rain?"

Magnus laughed. "Well yeah, of course I do."

"Well then?"

And then it all clicked into place. That look, Alec pulling him back, yeah, it all made sense now. "I like the way you think baby."

Alec grinned as Magnus moved in, capturing Alec's lips with his. He slipped his hands around Alec's waist, pulling him closer, as Alec's hands slid around his neck, into their familiar place at the base. A fire lit between them in the rain, bright sparks jumping off the connection between them. The rest of the world disappeared, even the rain as Magnus drank Alec in, his hands, his lips, and his heart exploring every inch of Alec.

Again, he felt like he was flying, his feet lifting slowly from the wet ground as the feeling of Alec overcame his senses. It was enough to send him overboard, enough to make him lose himself forever. It was so easy, so simple, to just fall into this feeling, this comfortable feeling, of happiness and euphoria. Yes, he'd had a movie fantasy of kissing in the rain; what could he say, he was a sucker for The Notebook. But this was different. This wasn't some silly fantasy to Magnus, this was his life and this was his scene to play out. Alec was his everything, his real fantasy that he'd been searching to play out his whole life. Alec was all that he'd ever dreamt about, all he'd ever searched for. And now, right here, with the rain pouring on them, his skin freezing in the cold air, he was living that dream. He had Alec in his arms and he was never going to let him go. He was going to fight for something instead of against something. He loved Alec and he'd be damned if he was stupid enough to let him go.

As the rain fell between them, Magnus pushed into the kiss and Alec pushed back, passion burning between them. In Magnus' life he had grown to believe true love didn't exist. He figured you got together, you hurt each other in the end and it was over. But Alec, Alec had shown him that true love did exist. And he'd shown him just how powerful love could be. His mother had been right all along. Love truly was unstoppable, and in Alec's arms, he would never forget that.

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So there you go. I know it wasn't much but, don't worry my lovely readers because I have a little surprise for you. The next chapter will be updated either tonight or tomorrow, depending how things work out. But after that chapter updates will go back to-hopefully-a more regular, once a week schedule. I do have school starting up in two weeks and things are going to get busy for me, so updates might vary, but I will try my very best. Anyway, thanks again to all of you for reading. Please review and let me know what you think.

Be the change,  
Amber


	29. Unasked

Chapter 29

Unasked

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**Warning: Use of homophobic terms and bullying. If this is uncomfortable for anyone or triggers anything, I caution you against the beginning of the below content.**

So I promised another chapter and so you shall receive. So I hope you like it. Enjoy!

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Songs:

Strut-Adam Lambert

I Don't Want to Miss A Thing-Aerosmith

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Alec sat in his Shakespeare 101 class, his mind paying no attention to the discussion about Hamlet's 'To be or not to be' soliloquy. His mind was instead on those around him and what they might be thinking. Alec had been right when he'd said to Magnus that tomorrow he might feel differently about being public. A week ago when he'd told Magnus he loved him in front of a hundred people he hadn't even thought about it and he hadn't really cared, but that was because he was in the moment, lost in Magnus and everything he was feeling. But now that he was here, alone in public, he couldn't help thinking of the eyes that were darting his way and the thoughts about him and what he was. It wasn't so easy to block it out and erase it from his mind when he didn't have Magnus there. With Magnus there, it all went away and Alec was able to focus on what was important and not on what he feared.

But now, in a lecture hall of 150 people, Alec was alone at sea, his heart on display for the fish to attack and destroy as they pleased. Alec tried not to think about it. He tried to force his mind to think about Hamlet, about Magnus, about anything else. But all he could think about was them. He'd already seen the looks when he'd walked into class that morning and the mornings before. He'd seen it in the hallway, in the dining hall, and outside. Their school was prestigious but it was small and word travelled fast no matter who the person was, and a man making out with another man in the main courtyard, well that kind of news spread like wildfire. So they all knew, and each and every one of them was judging him.

So far, nothing bad had happened. Alec had just seen the judgment in people's eyes or he'd seen nothing. No one had said anything or done anything to him and Alec wasn't sure if he was supposed to take that as a bad thing or not. Still, it hurt. But slowly, he was coming to accept that as his life now. He was public about Magnus and he couldn't say it was going to be easy; it was going to be an adjustment. Alec wasn't ready to just throw himself into PDA but he was ready to try and to give Magnus that part of the relationship he knew Magnus wanted. He would give him this in return for Magnus opening up. And maybe one day they'd both be at a point where those two things became effortless, where Alec wasn't afraid at all to hold Magnus' hand in public and Magnus wasn't afraid to tell him what was going on.

But for now, it was just baby steps. They'd get there eventually. Drastic things like this didn't just emerge overnight and it took time to adjust, to accept. Alec would take time to fully be comfortable in public with who he was. As good as it felt to not be lying anymore and to be free, it was still hard, because he now felt like he had to watch his back every second in case someone wasn't okay with who he was. Those were the kinds of things Alec was afraid of and he just hoped that his being public wouldn't bring him that kind of thing. Magnus had told him he'd protect him, but that didn't lessen the way Alec felt when he saw that look of disgust in someone's eye.

"Hey Alec! Earth to Alec! Hey!"

Alec jumped when Anna hit him, snapping him out of his reverie, his thoughts coming back to him instead of the people around him.

"Yeah?"

"Class is dismissed. You can leave now. Unless that is, you'd like to stay here?"

"No. I'm good." Alec stood up, gathering his books in his arms as he slid his bag over his shoulder.

"Are you sure? You've looked out of it all week. Is everything all right?" Alec knew Anna knew about him and Magnus but she hadn't brought it up all week. Alec didn't know why but he respected her for it. He and Anna weren't exactly the closest of friends, more study buddies, so they didn't really talk about personal things too much. But still, she could have asked him about what had happened and hadn't and Alec was glad that was the case.

"Yeah, everything's fine." Alec started for the door, joining the small line of students on their way out. Anna followed closely behind him not pushing him more on the issue.

Alec felt like he could feel the glares of the crowd around him searing into his soul. He knew it was all in his head but he swore he could see them all judging him, hating him. Of course he'd had these thoughts before but before he knew they were in his head, that there was no way the person he thought was judging him was actually judging him because there was no way they could know the truth. But now he knew it might not be in his head, that these feelings and what he thought he was seeing could actually be true.

Alec and Anna preceded to the hallway, joining the dispersed group of students as they all continued on their way to their next class, the library, their dorm to sleep, or some other place. Anna and Alec were on their way to their next class which was in the building over.

Alec went to say something to Anna about the project they had for that class when someone pushed him from behind, knocking the books from Alec's hands and sending him sprawling to the ground. He threw out his hands to catch himself, his left wrist twisting as it caught the edge of one of his books. He gasped as pain shot through his wrist and up his arm.

"Fucking fag." Alec looked up, catching the man whose words now chipped at his soul, breaking down years of walls he had put up to protect him from those words. That was what he was afraid of, what he'd run from for so many years. That was the judgment, the reason he was afraid to go public, the reason he'd lied for most of his life about who he was. Alec fought to breathe, to grab on to something. He was falling, he was falling and Magnus wasn't there to catch him. No one was there to catch him. And so he fell, spiraling from of a state of complete pain to one of complete numbness. His heart didn't know whether to beat or to lay silent and his brain didn't even know what to think. He just saw the man, the man that had sent his whole being spiraling down into oblivion. He watched as he turned the corner, his black eyes on Alec's as he disappeared from sight.

"Hey asshole!"

"Anna don't." Alec looked up at Anna, getting to his feet slowly. His wrist throbbed from the pain of the fall but it was nothing compared to the pain of his world collapsing around him. It was so easy for him to put up the walls and the reserve for things like that, but when they actually happened they found a crack in the wall, dug in and started tearing. Alec almost felt like the world had drowned out around him, his senses barely even registering Anna.

"But he just..."

"Don't. Please." This was Alec's war to fight, his pain and his life to deal with. This wasn't Anna's. It wasn't anyone's but his so he wasn't going to let her say anything to him.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Alec lied. He wasn't fine. He was crumbling, fighting for breath underneath the pain. He was struggling to stand beneath the weight of it all, everything threatening to push him over again and send him over the edge. All he wanted right then was Magnus. He would numb the pain and pick him back up, he knew that.

"Are you sure Alec?"

"I'm fine, let's just get to class." Alec leaned back down to start picking up his books. Anna came over to help him, grabbing his binder just as he did. Their eyes met as they stood up, Alec taking the book from Anna's hands, and placing it in his bag with the others. They both just looked at each other, a comfortable yet awkward silence passing between them.

"Look Alec, I know we're not that close and I may not be the first person you care to talk to, but I'm here if you ever need anybody."

"Thanks Anna, but I'm fine." Alec said, looking down at the ground to avoid her piercing gaze; a gaze he felt was slowly judging him.

"I don't care, you know."

"I'm sorry?"

"About the fact you're gay. It doesn't matter to me. Sure, I don't like Magnus, but I don't care that you two are together.

"You don't?" Alec asked, his voice shaking in his throat.

Anna shrugged. "Of course not. Why would I? I mean, I've known for a couple months anyway. Ever since I saw you two making out in the library."

"You saw that?" Alec kept searching her eyes and her face for something, a sign she hated him for it. But he got nothing.

"I saw the end of it before Magnus grabbed a book, which oddly enough was on botany and not on history, as you claimed to be doing a project on. Also, you were as red as a tomato and had all the signs of having just made out with someone."

Speaking of red as a tomato, that was exactly what he was now. "Anna..." He didn't know what to say. Anna had never voiced anything on the matter since Alec and Magnus' public announcement and so Alec had come to the conclusion she didn't like it and didn't want to talk about it. But that wasn't the case at all. Anna just didn't care. She didn't bring it up because she didn't feel she needed to because it didn't change anything.

"Don't. You have nothing to explain to me Alec. I don't care that you're with Magnus. I could honestly care less about him, but you're my friend and it doesn't matter to me if you're gay. It doesn't change who you are or how I see you."

"Really?"

"Really." Anna smiled. "And you know, I always thought it would be cool to have a gay best friend."

Alec laughed, his heart settling in his chest. It really was the most exhilarating feeling, the feeling of acceptance. Here was someone who he didn't need to tell, who had figured it out all on their own and had had the chance to judge him, but didn't. Anna even respected his privacy for months, left Alec to his own life and feelings. Alec cherished that just as he embraced the feeling of complete happiness that rushed through him.

"I think Magnus fits that bill better than I do."

"Yeah, but I like you better."

They both laughed, letting the laughter settle softly between them as their gazes met. "I just wanted you to know that I'm okay with it." She paused, smiling softly. "Anyway, we should get going."

"Yeah, we should." Alec turned to start walking when Anna spoke again.

"Alec, are you sure you're okay?"

"I've been better. But I'm okay." That was a lie for the most part but Alec wasn't about to tell her the whole truth. Right now he was trying his hardest to just cope with it himself. Dreaming about your fears and what could happen was a whole lot different than it actually happening. The feelings, the pain, it was a lot more different in real life then you could ever dream it up to be. Alec wasn't really sure what to make out of all that happened and all that he felt. All he knew was that he needed Magnus, bad. He needed to hold him and kiss him and hear his voice tell him it was all going to be okay. He needed Magnus to be the one to pick him up from that fall. He needed him to take the pain away and the fears and remind him of the happiness. He just plain needed him, it was as simple as that. And he knew these next few hours were just not going to go by fast enough.

* * *

Alec slid his key into the lock, opening the door to his dorm. He smiled when he saw Magnus in the middle of the room dancing and singing entirely off key to Adam Lambert's Strut, which was blasting through the room. Magnus' back was to him, completely unaware that Alec had entered the room. Alec moved quietly to his desk, setting his bag down before turning back to watch his boyfriend. So much for the studying he was supposed to be doing.

"I wanna see you strut, strut, strut, come on walk for me! Strut, strut, strut, how you wanna be." Magnus turned around in his dance routine, his eyes falling on Alec as his voice cut out. A large grin crossed his face as he held out his hands to Alec. "Come dance with me."

"No, I'm good."

Magnus pouted. "Come on baby."

Alec tried not to give in to that puppy dog look on Magnus' face that always got him every time. He was not about to dance. He didn't do dancing. Alec shook his head in determination.

"Come on." Magnus took Alec's hands, dragging him into the middle of the room as Alec pulled back trying to stop himself from moving forward.

"Magnus, I don't dance."

"Everybody dances." He grinned, spinning Alec around before pulling him into his arms, flush against him.

"Aren't you supposed to be studying?" Alec asked, looking up to meet Magnus' grinning eyes.

Magnus shrugged. "Later. I felt like singing."

"I can see that." Alec laughed softly as the song changed, I Don't Want to Miss A Thing by Aerosmith now filling the dorm room.

"And now I feel like dancing. With you." Magnus pulled Alec closer, his arms around Alec's waist. Alec's arms went to wrap around Magnus' neck, his hands finding a familiar place at the base there.

"I'm a terrible dancer," Alec admitted.

"It's okay. I'll teach you. It's not hard. Just follow my movements." He smiled softly as he started moving. Alec looked down at his feet, moving them cautiously in relation to Magnus'. He felt Magnus' body move against his, the warmth of his skin comforting to Alec's soul. He let himself fall into the movements, to the feeling of Magnus, moving as Magnus moved, all the while losing himself in the moment.

"There you go, you got it."

Alec smiled, moving his eyes from his feet to Magnus' eyes, that small little connection all he needed to hold on. After the events of that afternoon, Alec had felt like he'd been falling all day and his whole body and soul had been yearning for Magnus. All he wanted was to hold him and know that in that embrace he was okay. Everything fell away when he was here. Nothing else mattered, no one else mattered. All that mattered was Magnus and that he loved him and he didn't need anything else. Alec didn't care about that man or what he'd said or anything else anyone had thought because none of that was important. It still hurt - it would always hurt - but Magnus numbed the pain and made it easier to accept everything. Alec didn't know what he'd do if that had happened and he didn't have Magnus to run to, to hold.

"See, you're not that bad."

"You're just lying to me to try and make me feel better aren't you?"

"Now why would I lie to you?" Magnus smiled, rubbing his nose lightly with Alec's, sending a shiver through Alec's body. He then placed a light kiss on the tip of his nose before pulling away to meet Alec's eyes. He then proceeded to take Alec's hand, pushing him away from him, and spinning him along with the music.

Alec cringed in pain as his wrist twisted with the spin. He let go of Magnus' hand to cradle his own as pain wripped through him, the aftermath of the fall sending knives through his body.

"Baby, are you okay?" Magnus moved to Alec's side, a worried panic on his face. Magnus's hands came to Alec's wrist, his warmth of his skin soothing the pain that shook Alec. "Alec, what happened? Did you fall?"

Alec looked down at the ground, avoiding Magnus' gaze. As much as it hurt to say it he had asked Magnus to tell him everything and Magnus had, so Alec owed it to Magnus to tell him the truth. "No. A guy pushed me in the hall outside of class and he... he called me a fag." Alec felt Magnus stiffen against him. He looked up to meet Magnus' eyes but they were blank, his whole face blank. Alec couldn't register anything about what he was thinking. A few seconds passed before anything started to show on Magnus' face. It was pain, sadness, and anger all mixed up into one ball that swirled around in his irises. Their eyes met and Alec felt Magnus pull him in closer.

"Are you okay?" Magnus' eyes started searching his body, looking for more than just a sprained wrist.

"I'll be alright."

"Who did it?"

"I don't know his name."

"I'm going to kill him." Magnus' eyed flared.

"Baby, don't."

Magnus' gaze faltered a bit. "I should have been there."

"Baby." Alec's hand came up to brush Magnus' cheek. "It's okay. I'm alright. You can't always be there."

"But..."

"You know you can't. And you couldn't have done anything. Magnus, I knew things like this could happen, but I'll be okay. I have you right here, right now, and that's enough for me. I'll be okay. I promise."

"Are you sure?"

Alec nodded, placing a soft kiss to Magnus' lips. "I'm sure."

"But the guy. What are you going to do about him?"

Alec shrugged. "I don't know. What is there that I can do?"

"Stand up to him," said Magnus simply.

"It's not that easy Magnus. I...I wouldn't even know what to do, or what to say. Maybe it I just ignore it it'll blow over."

Magnus just looked at Alec. "Alec, you can't just ignore it. What if he gets worse and does something else besides calling you a name or pushing you in the hallway? Alec, I know what people like him are capable of, and I don't want to see you get hurt."

Alec smiled, Magnus' words warming his heart. He placed his hands on Magnus' chest, breathing in his scent for a few seconds, letting it fill him up. "I've no plans on getting hurt. I've got you. I know I'll be okay."

"Okay, but promise me you'll tell me who it is if you ever figure it out or we ever see him. Please promise me that. I won't sit back and watch this happen to you."

"I promise."

Magnus smiled, wrapping his arms back around Alec's waist, pulling him flush against him. Alec slid his hands around Magnus' neck, pulling his head down. Their lips met, the feeling washing over Alec just like the calm waves of the ocean. It washed away everything, all the pain, all the fear, everything, leaving him comfortably empty. He forgot about the man and those words, and the feeling of humiliation and pain. He forgot about everything and just let love fill him up. He was happy and he was okay. He really was. Yeah, he was afraid of that man, of what else he could do, but it wouldn't change who Alec was and it wouldn't change what he felt.

Alec pulled away slightly. "I love you Magnus."

"And I love you."

Their eyes met and that was enough. Alec smiled, placing his head on Magnus' shoulder, letting the feel of Magnus wash over him. Yeah, he loved Magnus, and nothing anyone did or said was going to change that.

* * *

Magnus sat on the couch, hunched over his Art History textbook, trying his hardest to get some studying done. But he couldn't focus, not after what Alec had said to him. He knew that Alec was just saying he was okay so as to not frighten him, but Magnus knew that underneath all of that, Alec was hurting and he was afraid it would happen again. And if Magnus knew anything of the world, it would happen again, whether it was that man or another. Magnus had had his fair share of abuse for being bisexual, and not just from his father. High school had never been easy, especially the ones he'd went to. He'd been the only out LGBT kid in his school, except for when he'd been with William. So he'd been bullied, thrown around, called names, everything the kids of his childhood could come up with. And they came up with a lot of things. But Magnus never let them take him down and instead owned who he was. He'd grown used to the abuse. That's a dark thing to say, to know that you're used to abuse, but it was true. That was Magnus' life, but it wasn't Alec's. Alec wasn't used to this kind of thing and he could pretend to Magnus that it just rolled off his back, but Magnus knew it didn't. He knew the pain Alec was in and the constant paranoia in public that someone was going to say something or do something. He knew that it would be worse for Alec now that he'd had his first experience with it. Magnus would love to say that it got easier, but it never really did. It still hurt even after all the years.

So Magnus knew that all he could do was be there for Alec and he couldn't push him for anything. He could just be there. When Magnus had gone through it, all he'd ever wanted was someone to hold him and love him and tell him it was going to be okay. He had nothing, but Alec had him and Magnus understood just how much that meant. All Magnus wanted was to protect him. He knew, like Alec had said, that he couldn't always be there, but all he wanted was to save Alec from the pain he had suffered at the hands of the ignorant. It was hard knowing that Alec was going to face these things now. Alec had always been innocent and his fears were actually protecting him from the cruel world he was a part of. Magnus had wanted a public relationship with Alec, but he never wanted Alec to hurt. But when it came to a relationship like theirs in public, it wasn't always sunshine and glitter.

Magnus looked up as Alec came out of the bathroom, finished his shower. He had a towel wrapped around his waist and his hair was disheveled and dripping small water droplets on his pale skin. He looked delectable and Magnus fought the urge to jump the couch and take Alec right then and there.

"Stop looking at me and go back to studying."

Magnus groaned, putting on a small pout. "But I like you so much better."

Alec just rolled his eyes and proceeded to the closet, dropping his dirty clothes in a hamper as he went. Magnus just watched him move, tracing each muscle and line with his eyes, his hands itching to draw that luscious body instead of turn textbook pages. His whole body yearned for Alec, yearned to touch him. But he knew tonight was not one of those nights he'd get what he wanted. Alec wouldn't let it, so long as Magnus had studying to do. He continued to watch Alec as he stopped, opening the closet doors. Well, if he wasn't going to get to touch, the least he could do was look.

Alec looked back at him. "Magnus, study."

"But babe..."

"Study."

Magnus groaned, looking back down at his textbook to appease his boyfriend. He looked up through his lashes as Alec turned around. Alec really should have known to just bring his clothes into the bathroom if he wanted to avoid this. Now he was just being a goddamn tease and Magnus was completely falling for it, hook, line, and sinker.

He watched as Alec undid the towel, placing it on the bed next to him. Water still glistened off of Alec's skin, dripping down slowly, travelling the muscular lines of Alec's body. Magnus imagined that body beneath him and the many things he wanted to do to it. The things Alec did to his body and his mind, it was unlike anything. Small actions like Alec's blush turned Magnus on and sent his hormones reeling. There had never been anyone that Magnus had wanted physically this bad. But Alec, he was special. And Magnus was never going to complain about seeing that body every day. And he sure as well wasn't going to complain about having it beneath him, something that Magnus wanted really badly right now.

Yes, he was horny. So sue him.

He watched as Alec pulled on loose fitting blue pajama pants and a black t-shirt. Disappointment flooded through him as he was thoroughly enjoying the previous view. Alec turned around and Magnus quickly looked down at his book to appear like he'd been studying the whole time. But he knew he'd been caught.

"I can't believe you."

Magnus flinched as Alec threw a pillow at him. He caught it, looking at Alec over the top of it. "What? I didn't do anything," he said innocently.

"Whatever." Alec sat down on the other end of the couch, crossing his legs underneath him as he faced Magnus. He took Magnus' notebook and textbook, placing them on his lap. "Okay, come on. Tell me what you know."

"You can't be serious."

"Do I look like I'm kidding? Come on. Tell me all about Van Gogh."

"That's not what I'm studying."

"Then tell me what you are."

"Do I have to?"

"Yep." Alec leaned back, the big text balanced expertly in his lap as he looked expectantly at his boyfriend. His blue eyes shone, his hair hanging loosely around his shoulders in its wet state. Magnus was still fighting the sexual urges within him. All he wanted to do was cross the couch, throw the book out of the way and work Alec over right there, but no, he had to show restraint. And, he had to study.

Magnus groaned in submission, taking a deep breath before proceeding to tell Alec all about art in the 15th-17th century. He hurried through it, saying less than what he actually knew. Yes he had been studying before he started singing earlier that day, and yes he had been studying before Alec distracted him. But what could he say, he had a short attention span when it came to certain things. It was easy for him to get distracted, especially when Alec was the one doing the distracting.

45 minutes later he finished his art history lesson for Alec.

"Are we done now?"

"Yes." Alec smiled, closing the books and setting them down on the table. He looked back at Magnus and Magnus could see a question forming on his face.

"Magnus, can I ask you something?"

"If it has anything else to do with art I'm not answering it."

"No, not that." Alec worried his lip between his teeth and Magnus had to resist the urge to jump him. God, Alec knew what that did to him. He was such a damn tease. "Promise you won't get mad."

"Why would I get mad?"

"Just promise you won't and you'll hear me out before you say anything."

"Of course."

Alec paused, chewing on his lip a bit more before letting it go. "I think you should go see your father."

Magnus' heart skipped a beat as Alec's words reached his ears, seeping through his body. No. There was no fucking way he was going to see his father. No. Fucking. Way. Magnus didn't care what Alec had to say about it, it was not going to happen. He was not going to give that man the satisfaction of seeing his face again. He was going to let him die alone and in pain just as he deserved.

"Alec, no."

"Magnus please." His eyes seemed to beg Magnus to listen. "Just hear me out."

Magnus gritted his teeth against the anger that built inside of him. It wasn't anger against Alec exactly but anger in general at the whole situation and the whole feeling that it was creating inside of him. He nodded sharply, taking a deep breath to steady himself.

"I just think that it could give you some closure on everything. You'd finally get a chance to tell him everything you've ever wanted to tell him. I know it's not easy and I'm maybe a little out of line saying this, but I think it would be for the better."

"Alec, the man killed my mother."

"I know that. I'm just saying that this is your last chance with him. If there's anything you've wanted to tell him this is your chance. Once he's gone you'll never be able to do that."

Magnus stood up in frustration, needing to move as the angry energy surged through him. "You understand that you're asking me to confront the man that took away my mother and my childhood?"

"I understand."

"Yet you ask me anyway."

"I do." Alec stood up too, taking a few steps towards Magnus. Magnus flinched away, not wanting Alec to touch him in fear of falling apart at his touch. "I wouldn't ask you if I didn't think it was for the better."

Magnus tensed as Alec's hand came upon his shoulder. He fought the urge to melt into Alec's touch, to fall apart and leave himself open to Alec's embrace. He wasn't going to. He had to stand strong and keep on moving to keep from falling. Deep down Magnus knew that Alec was right and he knew Alec wouldn't ask it if he didn't feel it was right. But he didn't want to believe it. He didn't want to think that Alec was right in saying that Magnus could get some closure.

Goddamn it.

Magnus threw his head in his hands, his fingers grabbing on to the roots of his hair in frustration. He had sworn to never see that man again. And if he did, he didn't know if he could handle it. He didn't know if he could hold up against the pain and the memories, of seeing his father's face again. If just that one phone call had brought up the memory of his mother's death, what would seeing his father's face bring up? He didn't want to think about it; it hurt too much. He didn't want to go. He didn't want to put himself through that. Who cared if he had closure, right? He'd still be okay. He'd made it this far so what was stopping him from making it further?

"Magnus, please say something."

Magnus took a deep breath, trying to settle his nerves down. "I can't go Alec."

"Magnus, please just think about it."

"I have thought about it Alec. I can't do it. I just can't."

Alec was silent for a few seconds, his hand still firm and reassuring on Magnus' shoulder. "You don't have to do it alone."

Magnus' breath caught in his throat as Alec's words hit him. Alec was offering to go with him, to be there when he confronted his father. Magnus had never expected that, had never asked for it. It warmed his heart causing it to start beating a little bit faster. He really was the luckiest man in the world to have Alec. Magnus didn't want to do it, and most of all, didn't want to do it alone. But with Alec there, maybe he'd be able to get through it. Maybe he'd be able to say those things to his father he'd been wanting to say for years. He'd be able to show his father that he didn't tear him down and that he was standing strong and proud, and that despite his greatest efforts, Magnus had fallen in love and it wasn't what his father said it was.

Magnus turned around to look at Alec, their eyes meeting. Alec smiled softly, his eyes swimming with the love that Magnus had searched for his whole life. A wave of comfort washed through Magnus as Alec's eyes and touch reassured his injured heart.

"I'll go with you Magnus, if you choose to go and if you want me to. I know it's hard but I know you can do it, and I know you're stronger than you think." Alec's hand moved to Magnus' cheek, the pad of his thumb brushing lightly back and forth. Magnus moved into Alec's touch, wanting nothing more than to feel his skin against his own.

"I'm just scared Alec."

"I know Magnus. But it's been nine years. You're not that kid anymore and this isn't the same situation. You're a man now who's defied everything your father tried to make you. You've made it through so much and I know you can make it through this." Alec paused. "Just think about it, okay baby. You don't have to go. No one's forcing you and you don't have to listen to me. Just do what you think is right."

"But you think I should go?"

"I do. I think you could get some closure. But it's not what I think that really matters."

Magnus smiled, wrapping his arms around Alec's waist and pulling him to him. "Just give me some time to think about it."

"Magnus, it's your choice. Do what you want." Alec's hands moved to wrap around Magnus' neck, holding their bodies close.

"Thank you."

Alec just smiled as Magnus placed a soft kiss to Alec's lips, fulfilling his need to have Alec in his arms. In Alec's arms, Magnus didn't feel afraid but he actually felt like every word Alec spoke was right. He should go see his father, to get the closure he never had. He felt like he could do it, like he could face his father and make it out okay. He felt strong and steady on his feet, ready to take it all on. He knew it wouldn't be easy if he went, but he knew with Alec by his side it would be easier. With Alec he felt like he could take on the world.

Magnus knew he wasn't past his past. He hadn't moved on from what happened to him, from the pain. But if he saw his father, maybe he could finally move on. Maybe he could finally live in the present with Alec, his past nothing but a distant memory that shaped his life. Magnus was so tired of being afraid. He was on constant watch for a memory to hit him, for him to snap or lash out like his father did. It was like a waiting game, and Magnus was so tired of playing it.

So maybe he would go. Maybe he'd go see his father before he died. But it wasn't to give his father what he wanted, it was to give Magnus what he needed. It was so he could move on and forget his father. It was so that he could go on living the rest of his life unafraid of love.

It was so that he could just go on living.

* * *

So there you go. I hope you all liked it. I'm going to go work on the next chapter now since i've finally got a day off. I'm going to try and get another chapter up before school starts. But we'll see what happens. Hopefully the two chapters in two days can tie you guys over for a little bit. But thanks for reading. I love all of you guys so much. Reviews are love. Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed it.

Be the change,  
Amber


	30. Unforgiveable

Chapter 30

Unforgiveable

* * *

Hi guys! So I'm back! It's my last day of summer right now and I wanted to put this up before I went back to school tomorrow. School also means updates might be a bit more scarce but I'll try my hardest to get them out to as quickly as I can. Now I'd like to thank everyone for reading and reviewing and for all the favourites and alerts. You guys are all so amazing. So anyway, on with the story.

* * *

Songs-

Turning Tables-Adele

Brave New World-Hedley

* * *

_Why am I doing this?_

That was all he could think about as he walked down the bleach white hallway.

_For closure. That's why you're doing this._

He squeezed Alec's hand tighter, his heart racing in his chest.

_I can't do this._

"You can do this baby. I know you can."

Magnus looked down at Alec, locking their eyes. Alec returned the squeeze to his hand trying to give him some more reassurance. Magnus welcomed the reassurance, needing as much as he could get at that moment. He never thought he'd be here, not even in his wildest dreams. He'd always thought that part of his life was over, that he'd never have to see that face again. But here he was, about to confront the man who'd tried to take his life away.

After Alec had spoken to him that night, Magnus had thought about it. He'd thought about it a lot. At that point, Magnus knew his father had only about a week and a half to live, which didn't give him much time to make his decision. He had taken five days to make up his mind. He had spent every waking and sleeping moment of those five days thinking about what he should do. The majority of him didn't want to go see his father, wanting instead for the man to just rot where he was. But a small part of him, a part that was long since buried, knew that the right thing to do was to go see his father. Alec had said it right, he needed closure, and if he didn't say things now, he'd never be able to say them.

That was why he was here. He wasn't here because his father wanted him to be, instead to say the things he'd never gotten the chance to. He was here to speak for himself and for his mother, to give voice to everything that been beaten silent over those many years.

Each step he took was laboured, an anchor on his soul trying to hold him back from moving forward. But he fought it, pushing through it all so he could move forward. The hospital walls seemed to suck the happiness from his being. It was so dark, despite the light, each second spent in that hallway making it harder for Magnus to continue on. He fought for breath, the medicated air grabbing greedily at the oxygen in his lungs. He always hated hospitals. They were like prisons for the ill instead of the criminal. So how fitting his father be in one even when he was sick. He was to be enchained for his crimes right until the moment he died, not even a sickness breaking him out of prison.

Magnus and Alec stopped at the desk. A petite woman with pin straight brown hair and dull green eyes that were framed by black wire frames sat on the other side, her nose deep in paperwork. She was pretty plain and Magnus wondered if this was the woman who'd called him nearly a month before. She didn't even notice them as they came up.

"Excuse me," said Alec, trying to catch the woman's attention.

She looked up in bewilderment. "Oh, I'm sorry. How can I help you?" She pushed her glasses up further on her nose, looking the two boys over. Her eyes stayed longer on Magnus than on Alec, and Magnus knew she was just taking in a site he knew she didn't see every day. Magnus also knew, just in hearing that voice that this was the woman who'd called him.

"We're looking for James Bane." Again Alec spoke and Magnus thanked him silently for that. Magnus wasn't sure he could quite form any words at that moment. He was just trying to think about what he'd say to his father. He knew he needed to be strong. He didn't want to see his father's face and break. He couldn't do that. His father had broken him down enough that Magnus wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of breaking him down again. He had to be strong, for himself and his mother. Magnus had always wished that he was bigger, older, and stronger so that he could stand up against his father. And now he was. Now he had that chance to stand up to his father.

"And you two are?"

"I'm Alec. This is Magnus. His son."

Her eyes lit up as she took in that information. "Mr. Bane, you came."

"Yes." That was all he said.

"He's been waiting for you. I think it's the only thing that's kept him hanging on this long."

"If you could please tell us his room," said Alec.

"Yes. Yes." She took a quick look at her computer, typing in a few things before she looked back at them. "Room 124."

"Thank you." Magnus nodded slightly at her before starting to walk in the direction of his father's room. He held onto Alec's hand like a lifeline, Alec's presence the only thing holding him up. He continued to walk down the hallway, the faces around him passing in a blur. Everything seemed to drop away from him, drowning in the white of the hallway. He couldn't see anything but the numbers on the doors, each one passing by slowly.

120.

_My life was ruined because of you two._

121.

_I should have killed you. Both of you._

122.

_I'll do you a favour by saving you from watching her die._

123.

_Why?_

124.

_Because._

Magnus' heart stopped in his chest, the breath leaving his lungs as his feet stopped a few feet from his father's door. He felt the whole world crash over him, the white of his surroundings mixing with the dark hole in his being. He fought to stay standing as the pain overtook him, each physical and emotional scar reopening, bleeding as they had once before. He could feel the pain on his skin from his toes to his head, in his heart from the frozen centre to the broken walls, and in his soul, right to the very core.

"Can I help you boys?"

Magnus looked over at the police man that had been positioned outside his father's door. He hadn't noticed the man before, his senses only now registering him. He was tall, lengthy, and young, probably straight out of the academy which would explain why he'd been given such a simple job. He had deep green eyes and short blond hair, cropped short to his head. He seemed nice enough, but Magnus didn't care to pay him much mind. All he could think about was the man on the other side of that door.

"Yes, we'd like to see Mr. Bane." Again Alec spoke for him.

"I've been instructed that Mr. Bane is to have no visitors."

"I think you can make an exception. This is his son."

The police man's eyes shot to Magnus', taking him in. "Magnus?"

Magnus nodded.

"He's been asking for you for weeks. You're all he seems to talk about."

"So do you think you can let us in?" Alec asked.

The police man looked back to Alec. "I can let Magnus in, but I can't let you both in."

"That's okay. Thank you." The police man nodded as Alec turned to look at Magnus. Magnus couldn't meet his eyes, too afraid to do much at that moment.

"Alec, I can't do this." Magnus moved to run away but there Alec stood in his way, stopping him from going any further. Alec's hands went to his chest, holding him softly in place.

"Yes you can. You've made it this far. Don't turn back now."

But he wanted to turn back. He wanted to run. He couldn't face him. He knew he couldn't, not without Alec. Alec was his support, and Magnus knew if he fell Alec would pick him back up. But if he went in there without Alec, he was bound to fall and he'd have no way to get back up. He'd crumble beneath his father's gaze, give into the memories and self destruct. He just knew it.

"I can't Alec. I shouldn't have come."

"Magnus, look at me." And Magnus did. He looked at Alec and in those beautiful baby blues he found himself drowning. He was drowning in love and that love embraced him and reassured him, telling him it was all going to be okay. "You know you can do this. I know you can."

"But what if I can't? What if I fail?"

"You won't."

"You don't know that."

"You won't," Alec repeated. His hands slid down Magnus' arms, taking his hands with his. "I'll be right outside if you need me. I'm not going anywhere. Now go." Alec's eyes urged him onward and Magnus finally felt like he could do it. He'd known all along that he could, he just hadn't been able to see it.

"Okay." Magnus took a deep breath. "I can do this."

Alec smiled. "Yes, you can."

"Thank you."

Alec just nodded, letting Magnus' hands go so he could go see his father.

Magnus took one last look at Alec, gathering all his courage as he placed a hand on the doorknob, turning it. He stepped inside, closing the door behind him as his eyes went straight to the dying man on the bed in front of him.

His heart stopped beating. Every wall, every reserve, everything he'd ever put up or used to protect himself fell away in shambles around him, letting the enemy in to pillage and destroy as it pleased. The enemy was his father and he was prying his fingers into the scars he'd made, pulling them apart at the seams so that they could bleed and Magnus was at their mercy. Each scar held a memory, and each memory slowly came back, pouring over him in a hungry frenzy. Magnus tried to fight them, tried to fight all that came back to him.

_He hit him. And again. This time harder. They came, one after the other, blood running down his tan skin._

No. He forced the pain away, trying so hard to drown it out.

'_You're pathetic.' The belt screamed through the air, licking his skin. He forced himself not to scream out, his teeth digging into his lip. Tears trickled down his cheeks onto the bloodied bed sheets. 'Don't cry. Real men don't cry.' The belt came again, this time pushing the scream from his bloodied lips. It echoed through the room, coming back to him louder than it had left as the belt made contact with his skin again. 'Scream again and I'll hit harder.'_

He fought it. He fought the pain, the tears, everything, pushing it away. He tried to drown it all out, using his bloodied scarred hands to beat at the demons inside of him. _And I'll hit harder. _With each memory Magnus fought harder, struggling against the pain and the words of his father. He wasn't going to let his father beat him down, not this time. His father's hands had beaten him as a child but Magnus wasn't going to let the memory continue to do the same. His father's hands would have no strength anymore, his words no say. Magnus wasn't going to let it control him anymore. He was done.

_To love is to destroy._

_No, Dad. No. It's so beautiful. You were wrong. To love is to create. To not love, is to destroy._

He finally managed to focus his thoughts on the man in front of him. He was nothing like the man Magnus remembered. His hair had begun to recede and turn a light shade of grey, his old brown locks only streaking here and there. His face was sunken, lines pulling at each curve of his features, making him look like he was already dead. He was pale, almost white, no colour remaining in his once tanned skin. His eyes... those eyes. They were so unlike Magnus remembered. They were dull, dead in their sockets. The same yellow green that painted Magnus' eyes was now a pale watered down version, no strength or life lingering there. Where Magnus had remembered darkness and strength and evil in his father's face, he now saw a desperate man on his death bed with nothing to hold on to but the possibility of one more breath.

"Hi Father."

His father's eyes swiveled from their place on the ceiling to meet Magnus' own. Despite the lack of what had once been, Magnus still felt the evil behind those eyes that had always frightened him to his very core. Magnus was rooted to the spot, those eyes looking right into his very soul, just as they had once done so many years ago. But nothing came back to him, not the pain or the memories. He'd already forced all that down. Now it was the anger; the anger at seeing that face again and remembering all that those hands had done to him and his mother. Magnus' own hands clenched into fists, his black painted nails digging into his skin.

"Magnus... my son."

Magnus' fingernails dug deeper as those words hit him. _My son. _His father had never called him that. He had despised the very fact that Magnus was his son. Magnus almost thought that maybe his father had changed, but that thought only lingered for a second when he remember this was his father he was talking about. The only thing that had changed was there wasn't a liquor bottle in his bloodied hands.

"You look just like your mother." His words were shaky, weak. Magnus could see the life leaving him, draining as each second passed. Magnus found happiness in the sight, knowing that the man was getting almost exactly what he deserved. Magnus would prefer it if he could feel all the pain instead of being in some numb medicated state, but still, he was suffering and Magnus wanted just that.

"Don't you dare mention my mother."

A small grin crossed his father's face, a grin that sent a shiver running down Magnus' spine. He'd seen that face so many times before. It was the face that haunted his dreams, that started each memory. It was the face of evil, the face of the man who had been Magnus' personal Devil.

"Why not? It's a pity she couldn't be here, to see you right now. So grownup..." He paused, coughing, a spasm overtaking his body in the process. When it stopped, he fell back against the pillows but his dull eyes were still focused on Magnus', unwavering. A cold chill crept over Magnus. He had forgotten just what those eyes could do to him, whether they were the strong dark eyes of the man he knew before, or the broken diluted eyes that he saw before him. "And so like I feared you'd become. I see I didn't beat it out of you."

Magnus ground his teeth together, trying to stop himself from either falling apart or losing it on his father. He had to keep it together. He had to. "No, you failed on that one father. I'm everything you didn't want me to be and nothing that you tried to make me."

His father coughed again, his skin pulling tight across his face to show the sharp angular bones of his features. His head fell back, his eyes leaving Magnus' for a few seconds. Magnus felt relief wash over him at the feeling of those eyes looking elsewhere. He was no longer frozen to the spot, no longer cold from that inhuman chill his father's eyes created. "So you fell in love didn't you? With a boy..." The last three words hissed from his lips, full of disgust.

"I did father." Magnus grinned in satisfaction knowing that he had beaten his father. He had pushed past everything his father had tried to beat into him, beating it back so that he was nothing like the son his father had tried to mould into creation with leather, skin, and glass. "So how does it feel to be laying there knowing you failed?"

"I didn't fail."

Those words caught Magnus by surprise, pushing the grin from his face.

"A part of you Magnus, as much as you will always try to deny it, will be just like me. Like father, like son. You'll never forget me, even when I'm dead." Another fit of coughs overtook him, his chest heaving under the blankets. "I'll always haunt you and those scars may fade... but they will never go away." That grin painted his face like nothing Magnus could paint himself. That grin was as much a part of his father as his skin or his brain or the heart he pretended to have.

Magnus fought the urge to punch that grin from his face, but he wouldn't do that. He wasn't like his father. Violence would never be the answer. Magnus had come to learn that words could hold so much more power than physical contact.

"You may be right father, but they will always be nothing but a scar, and you will be nothing but a memory. You tried to teach me that love was bad and destructive. But do you know what I've learned father, that your fists could never teach me? I've learned that love is unstoppable and it beats anything you ever did to me."

His father laughed, his laughter hard and evil, filling the room with its cold embrace. "'Love is unstoppable'? You sound just like your fucking mother."

"I am her son."

His father's laughter died off, his eyes sending lasers in Magnus' direction. Another fit of coughing over took him and what colour was in his face drained away completely. The coughs died down, mixing with the echo of his father's laughter. His father leaned back, his eyes closing briefly as he took in a forceful breath. "I'm dying." The words fell softly from his lips, barely audible to Magnus' ears.

"Good. It's exactly what you deserve."

"I don't want to die yet." His eyes still hadn't returned to Magnus, instead looking up at the ceiling. His father almost looked vulnerable, emotion finally showing on his face. But Magnus understood it all. His father never showed empathy or emotion for anyone but himself. The only person that mattered to his father was himself and everyone else could die for all he cared.

"Neither did mom when you killed her."

"It was her time."

"Just as it is yours now." Each of Magnus' words was laced with anger, the venom seeping past his lips. He fought to control it, to bottle it up and prevent himself from losing it. But he wanted to lose it. He wanted to take one of those needles in his father's arms and stab him in the heart with it. He wanted to see the man die.

His father finally looked back at Magnus and he could see the defeat in his eyes. His father had accepted his death, even if he didn't want it. Magnus could see the struggle going on within his father and the pain he was suffering. Magnus smiled to himself, taking in the feeling this brought him. His father was suffering, just as he deserved.

"Maybe I'll get to see your mother."

"That's unlikely."

His father smiled softly to himself. "Then I'll see you."

Magnus flinched at that. His father was going to Hell, if there even was one. Magnus was willing to believe there was just so he could know his father was headed for its very heart. But Magnus wasn't going to go there. No. He was going to see his mother one day, if there was a Heaven. He would believe in that, just to see her. And he would pray that he went to Heaven, that he was accepted past the gates instead of turned away and thrown down as he knew his father would be.

"No, you won't."

"We'll see. One day." He coughed again. "I hope you didn't come here searching for an apology."

"No."

"Then what are you here for?"

"To see you suffering. To see you getting exactly what you deserved. It's a shame that you're not in more pain."

"I'm in pain."

"Not enough." It would never be enough. It could never fully amount to everything Magnus had suffered. His father would never understand, would never grasp the extent of his actions. The man was crazy, void of emotions, and completely caught up in his life and selfish needs. He never thought about others and that was why he had killed his wife and almost destroyed Magnus. He wasn't human and that was all there was to it.

Seconds passed between them, the air particles between them charged with the tension that passed through the room. The seconds slowly slipped into minutes, the realization of the moment finally hitting Magnus. He was here. He was talking to his father and he was standing strong. He hadn't fallen or given in to the pain and memories, but had faced his father and seen exactly what he'd hoped to see. He'd seen the man who had torn him apart inch by inch, laying there unable to care for himself, pain ripping through his blood stained body. He'd seen his father suffering, the pain that he'd inflicted for so many years coming back to haunt him.

"It really is good to see you son."

"Oh please, don't give me that bullshit. You know as well as I do that you don't care that I'm here. And do not call me son. You may be my father and I may be your son _by blood_, but you will _never_ be my dad, you will _never_ be family, and you will _never_ mean anything to me. You know I didn't come here because some receptionist called me. And hell, I wasn't going to come at all originally. But I did. I came here to show you that you didn't win. You may have taken my mother's life, but you didn't take mine. And now your own leaves you, and I couldn't see any better justice; seeing you here, suffering. I'd never wish this upon anyone, but you, you deserve it. You deserve all of it and I hope it fucking hurts. I hope that every second of your days are spent in agony and I hope that when you die, the last thing you think of is me. I hope you think about how you failed, and that you may have taken my mother and my childhood and everything I loved, but you didn't take away me. I beat you father, and I hope that hurts more than anything your hands or belt ever did to me." Magnus hoped it hurt a million times more. He hoped that his father died in pain, alone, with nothing but his memories to keep him company in the darkness.

"I doubt it. Now why don't you just run along now Magnus? I think we've wasted enough of each other's time already, don't you think? Why don't you let me die in peace son?" He closed his eyes, those dull green-yellow orbs disappearing behind a thin sheet of skin. And with that, his father fell asleep, his chest rising up and down in a slow rhythmic beat. All Magnus could hear was the resonant beeping of the hospital machines, playing in the background of his racing heart.

He couldn't tear his eyes from his father, from the site of the man who'd haunted his life. He looked unlike anything Magnus had ever seen him as. He looked weak, vulnerable, and for once in Magnus' life he wasn't afraid of him. He wasn't afraid of his words, his fists, nothing. He was simply numb. Just minutes before he had felt anger and elation and a million other things, while now he didn't feel anything. It was like when his father shut his eyes, so too did the emotions in his heart shut off. Now he was just quiet to it all. His heart was the only thing Magnus could hear, and even that was a silent thump inside of him. He just kept thinking of his father, of everything that had happened, and how, within minutes, hours, or a few days, his father was going to be dead. Those hands would no longer be able to touch him, those lips would no longer be able to feed his fears, and those eyes would no longer be able to haunt Magnus' dreams. He was free.

He was free.

Magnus turned toward the door, opening it. He took one last look at his father before stepping outside, turning his back on the man that had stolen his childhood, killed his mother and walked out on him. Now it was his turn to walk out the door forever. He closed the door behind him, seeing Alec standing on the other side of the hallway, his face looking anxious. Magnus just nodded at him and his face relaxed when he realized everything was okay. Magnus walked over to him, slipping his hand in Alec's. Neither of them said anything as they started down the hallway, Magnus finally walking away forever from that part of his life. They continued to walk, neither saying a thing as nurses pushed past them, heading in the direction Magnus and Alec had come. Their words were a blur in Magnus' ears but he understood. He understood the moment his father closed his eyes.

He was dead.

He was finally dead.

The physical, living version, of Magnus' father died in room 124 from liver cancer at 4:07 PM, just as the demon version that had haunted Magnus since he was 12 years old, returned to the hell where it belonged.

And so, Magnus was free.

For the first time his life he felt truly and utterly at peace; free from pain, from his past, from everything. His father was gone, forever, and Magnus couldn't ask for anything else.

The anchors slipped away, the darkness giving way to light as he left the hospital, Alec's hand in his. He was now free.

He was free to love.

He was free to live.

And he was free to be himself.

* * *

So there you go, Magnus has finally confronted his demons. I hope you all liked it. Let me know what you think and thank you all so much for reading. Until next time.

Be the change,  
Amber


	31. Undrawn

Chapter 31

Undrawn

* * *

Alright, please don't be angry. I know this took almost a month to update, and I feel terrible, but life was crazy with school starting. Also, my charger for my laptop died and the new one I got died too and so, two weeks later I'm finally able to use my computer with my third charger. So I had to access to the chapter for two weeks and so was unable to write. But all is good now, so I hope you can forgive me for taking so long. Life was just crazy, to say the least. Anyway, I won't keep you waiting any longer. Thank you all for reading and I hope you like it.

* * *

Songs: Exit Wounds-The Script

* * *

The sun rose beyond the window, shining it's blinding golden rays down on the cold land below. He watched, his eyes unfaltering as the celestial orb broke over the horizon. He let the warmth wash over him, the gold and fiery tendrils reaching deep down into his soul. He lived within the warmth, letting everything fall away and letting nothing matter but that moment, that feeling. It was beautiful. After so many days -years- of darkness it was nice to just feel the light once in a while. It pushed at all the corners, washing away the demons and all that resided in the very depths of his being. He closed his eyes, sighing into the warmth as a pair of strong arms wrapped around his waist. He melted into them, just as he melted into the warmth, giving himself over completely to all of his surroundings.

"How are you doing?"

"Better than I thought I'd be doing." Magnus had expected to be a wreck. He had expected everything at the hospital to tear him apart inch by inch, yet here he was standing strong and full. He had made it out alive, more than he could say for his father. Watching his father, knowing he was drawing his last breaths, had been a confusing moment for Magnus. Part of him felt triumphant and ready to take on anything while the other part of him felt so numb. He would never miss his father but the thought that he was actually dead was foreign and hard to understand. Even though his father had spent the last part of Magnus' life in jail, he'd always been as big a part of Magnus' life just as if he was actually there. Magnus had lived every day with his father in his shadow, his hands holding tight to Magnus like an anchor, holding him down with each step he tried to take away from him. Now that his father was gone, that anchor had fallen. Magnus felt weightless, almost empty. But not in the empty kind of way where you've got nothing to look forward to, nothing to live for, and nothing at all. It was the kind of empty where you felt whole, relieved, and at peace. It was the kind of empty that you wanted to feel because it was beautiful and you could feel everything in that emptiness like you were feeling it for the first time. It was like being born again, like the life ahead of you was just waiting to fill that emptiness with amazing things. Magnus felt empty like that and he was ready to take on the world now. There was nothing inside his soul but himself and there was nothing pulling him down but a couple pounds of glitter. He was free to be himself now, to live his life his way. There was no one out there now to stop him from moving forward. His father was dead, and so was his demon that had haunted Magnus when his father couldn't.

"Are you sure?" Alec asked, worried.

"I'm sure." Magnus smiled, turning around in Alec's arms, He wrapped his own arms around Alec's frame, pulling him closer to him, letting their bodies connect and mould into one. The sun reflected in Alec's eyes, giving the vibrant blue a golden cast that made them all the more beautiful. Magnus didn't look away from them as he brought a hand up to brush a strand of Alec's hair behind his ear. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"For making me go."

"I didn't _make _you go. I just said that you should."

"I know. But you gave me the courage to do it. If it wasn't for you I don't think I could have done it."

Alec blushed a deep red that contrasted with his now golden skin. "You know you had the strength all along. You didn't need me."

"But..."

"But, you faced him in there all alone, without me. That was all you. I had nothing to do with it." Alec smiled softly, warming Magnus' soul more. "So don't thank me. Thank yourself."

"I know. But, just, thank you, for everything in general; for putting up with me and everything that came with me. You never had to do that." Magnus looked down, losing sight of those beautiful blue eyes that kept him holding on.

Alec's fingers came to Magnus' chin, pulling it up so that their eyes met again. "No, but I chose to. I wanted to. So thank me all you want, but it's the things we do for love." Alec smiled, pulling a smile from Magnus' lips. A few seconds passed between them, their hearts sharing beats as their eyes kept perfect contact.

The things we do for love. Yeah, Magnus never forgot those few words. And speaking of love and the things we do, there was something he'd been wanting to ask Alec about, something that had been nagging at him and that he knew only Alec would be able to give him an answer to. Magnus unwrapped his arms from Alec, pulling back a bit, much to Alec's visible disappointment. He placed a hand in his back pocket, pulling out a piece of paper. "Alec, I want to ask you about something."

"Sure. What is it?"

Magnus looked down at the crumpled piece of paper, before unfolding it to show Alec. It was a poster advertising a University art show showcasing the best painters, sculptors, drawers, and more from Idris. Magnus' teachers had asked him to present some of his work in the show but he wasn't really sure he wanted to. The thing was that, to be honest, Magnus was nervous as all hell about people seeing his work. Sure, people had seen his work before, but not on a large scale like the art show would be. His work had been examined by the School Board for admittance, his teachers for critique, and by his mother and Alec, but his work had never been viewed by complete strangers in a mass crowd. He'd never been in an art show before, despite plenty of opportunities, because he'd never wanted anyone to see his work. Magnus knew he was a good artist but it was all too personal for him to want to share it like that.

Magnus knew he was a bit of a contradiction. He couldn't care less what people thought about his sexuality or the way he looked, but when it came to his artwork, he cared a lot. That was where he was vulnerable. The glitter and make-up and fancy clothes were a part of him, but they were superficial, his mask. His artwork didn't have the luxury of glitter and make-up and tight clothing. His artwork was his body, laid bare for the whole world to see, scars and all. The only people who knew that part of him were his mother and Alec. No one else had ever known and Magnus had liked it that way. It had been easy that way and Magnus never had to worry about other people. But now, now he could be subjecting himself to the type of judgment he had feared his whole life. The judgment of his soul, of the pieces of his heart, of the things he held most dear. Of the real him.

"Magnus, are you in this?" Alec asked, taking the poster from Magnus' hands.

"Yes... No... Not yet," Magnus said, his words jumbled in his mouth. "My teachers asked me to present some work in the show. But I don't know. I mean it's not really that big of a deal," he said quickly, running a hand through his hair nervously, stopping the movement at the nape of his neck.

"Not that big of a deal? Magnus. This is the biggest art show put on at Idris. This is an honour. Some of the greatest artists of our time have been showcased here."

"I know."

"So then how is it not a big deal?"

A few quick beats passed between them as Magnus dropped his hand, sighing. No point trying to hide anything; that beautiful voice would pull it out of him eventually. "I just... I've never had my work in a show before, and I don't know if I'm ready for it. It makes me nervous."

"Why?"

"About what they'll think. What if they don't like it?"

Alec laughed softly. "Magnus, they'd have to be blind to not like your work." Alec took a step toward Magnus, taking his hands in his. "You're amazing."

"And you're my boyfriend. You have to say that."

Alec just rolled his eyes, squeezing Magnus' hands softly. "I thought you were an amazing artist before I was your boyfriend, just as I think you are now. And since when have you ever been one to care what other people think? What happened to the whole 'I'm awesome and that's all that matters, the rest of you can fuck off' attitude?"

Magnus laughed, letting the laughter and the feel of Alec against his skin take him over. "It's still here."

"Alright, then I want to see it. Put your work in that show Magnus, and show them how amazing you are. The only thing they won't like is how jealous they are because they're not as good as you," Alec said, smiling up at Magnus.

"You think?"

"Baby." Alec leaned in to whisper in Magnus' ear. "I know," he said softly, nipping lightly at Magnus' earlobe before pulling away to look at Magnus, a grin on his face.

Magnus grinned back, liking this quick change in Alec and fully embracing it. There was a mischievous glint in Alec's eyes, a glint that said Alec was thinking about something, something Magnus knew he'd like.

"Really?" Magnus wrapped his arms around Alec's waist, pulling him flush against him, not an inch of space separating their needy bodies. "You know, do you?"

Alec nodded, his bottom lip between his teeth as that sparkle danced in the river of his eyes.

"You've got a lot a faith in that statement Alexander."

"No. I've got a lot of faith in you."

Their eyes just met, their bodies sending electrical waves between them. Magnus attempted to pull Alec closer against him, wanting more of him. His hands slipped lower, his fingers playing with the hem of Alec's shirt, sliding softly over Alec's cold skin. He felt Alec shiver beneath him, the vibration moving to every part of Magnus' body.

Magnus leaned forward, capturing Alec's lips with his. He pulled Alec's lower lip between his teeth, eliciting a soft moan from Alec. Magnus smiled, as he let the lip go, Alec's tongue slipping past Magnus' lips, delving into his mouth to take over. Magnus gave himself over to it, letting Alec control him like a puppet on a string. It was always so easy with Alec. Magnus didn't need to explain much more to Alec then that he was nervous for Alec to get it. Alec just understood and there was nothing more to it. It was comforting having someone know you that well and understand you before you act or speak. When Magnus didn't even understand himself sometimes, it made it easier that Alec did. And it was nice right now. Magnus didn't need to go into a rant about showing his artwork to the public and Alec didn't need to say anything more than that it would be okay, for everything to work out. They just understood each other that well that a few simple words could mean more than an hour of conversation.

Alec's hands snaked through Magnus' loose locks, sending a shiver through Magnus' already electrified body. They stopped at the base of Magnus' neck, fingers intertwining in his hair, pulling him down deeper into the kiss. If Magnus could stay like that forever, wrapped up in the feel and scent of Alec, he would. He'd give himself over to eternity for it and no matter how much time passed, he'd never be sick of what Alec did to him. It was so easy for Magnus now to realize that everything he'd ever feared was pointless. When he had something like Alec to hold on to and to come home to and love, he knew that nothing else mattered, and all those demons were nothing, just a piece of dust in the wind. Alec was the sun, rising high above everything else, blinding and warm and perfect.

Magnus' hands moved to explore more of Alec's skin, his long fingers tracing over the lines of Alec's hips, and slipping slightly past the band of Alec's jeans. His hands followed the curve of Alec's back and Magnus could feel Alec arch into him, his body calling out in wanting. And now really, what kind of boyfriend would Magnus be if he didn't answer the call of Alec's body?

Magnus went to slip Alec's shirt over his head when a knock sounded at the door; two quick raps that vibrated through the room. Magnus ignored it, and so did Alec, their lips continuing to touch in perfect harmony as Magnus' hands went back to the job at hand. But before he could do anything the knock came again, this time quicker, louder, and more impatient.

Alec was the first to pull away, and Magnus used his hands to pull Alec back to him. Alec put his hands up to Magnus' chest, stopping him from meeting Alec's lips again. Magnus pouted as Alec just looked at him. "We should get it."

"Do we have to?" Magnus pouted.

"Yes."

"Alexander Gideon Lightwood, you open that door right this instant. I know you're in there. I don't care if you're having hot sex with Magnus, you put some clothes on and answer this door."

Alec laughed despite the deep flush that coloured his skin. He pulled away from Magnus again, Magnus' arms falling to his sides defeated. Magnus watched as Alec walked over to the door. He opened it slowly and on the other side stood his sister, hand poised, ready to knock. When the door opened, her impatient frown turned into an ecstatic smile within a split second. She dropped her hand, instead throwing her arms around her brother. Magnus watched the big smile that crossed Alec's face as Isabelle's arms sucked the breath from his lungs.

"Izzy, I can't breathe."

Isabelle pulled away. "Sorry. I missed you."

"I noticed." But despite the fact his sister had just nearly suffocated him, Magnus could see the happiness on his face that his sister was there. A part of Magnus had always wished he'd had a sibling. He'd never had anyone his own age to hang out with when he was younger, and he'd always been alone. He'd never wish his childhood on another child, but if things were different, he'd have prayed for a sibling. He'd always wanted that sibling bond, where no matter what happened, you always had each other's backs, forever and always.

"And I missed you." Isabelle crossed the length of the room in a second, throwing her arms around Magnus. Magnus responded, hugging Isabelle back. Well, he may not have a sibling, but he had Isabelle, and that was about the closest he'd ever get. And Magnus wasn't complaining that Isabelle was like the female version of him in many aspects.

Magnus smiled. "You too babe."

Isabelle pulled away, leaving a kiss on Magnus' cheek before dropping her arms.

"Izzy, you said you weren't coming until 4," Alec said, a little irritation coating his voice as Alec hadn't planned on his sister interrupting them.

"I caught the morning train. I thought I'd surprise you guys. But, I interrupted something didn't I? You two were having sex."

"Of course not," Alec said quickly, blushing fiercely even though he was telling the truth.

"Yep," Magnus said at the same time, a mischievous grin painted across his face.

Alec's cheeks went an even deeper shade of red at Magnus' comment as Isabelle just laughed, looking from her embarrassed brother to his grinning boyfriend. "What a shame. Should I leave, give you two some privacy?"

"No Izzy, stay." Magnus knew Alec was glaring at him, but Magnus refused to acknowledge him, instead admiring how Izzy had managed a four hour train ride while still looking as beautiful as she always did. He made a mental note to ask her later.

Izzy smiled. "Okay. So, I'm starving. Where's the best place to eat?"

* * *

"It's beautiful here."

"I know."

Isabelle and Alec walked through one of the many courtyards of Idris, the sun shining warmly on their backs. Magnus had had a late afternoon class so Alec and Isabelle had been left alone. Isabelle had come down that weekend since Idris had always been her number one school for their Fashion Design program and she'd been dreaming about it since she was 5.

"I could really see myself here Alec. And their program is perfect. Some of New York's best came out of here." Yeah, Alec knew that. Isabelle had made sure to recite off all of their names for him when they were in the department building.

"Just as another one soon will. If you choose to come."

Isabelle smiled, throwing her arm around Alec's shoulders, pulling him closer to her. "I might. But do you think you can handle me for another three years?"

"I've handled you for seventeen; I think I can handle you for another three." They both laughed, Isabelle bumping her brother's hip softly as they continued to walk. Last time he'd walked through this courtyard he'd been alone after class and he'd been on edge, just waiting for someone to say something or do something. That guy, who he still didn't know the name of, hadn't backed off. He'd called him a few things, pushed him once or twice in the hallway after class, and made it clear to Alec that he didn't like that he was gay. Alec was grateful Magnus wasn't there to see any of it because he didn't know what Magnus would do. He knew Magnus was the protective type and had been all over him about whether he was okay and if anything had happened. Magnus was glued to Alec's hip outside any chance he got and in those moments, that guy, if he was anywhere around, didn't do anything. Magnus had asked Alec to point the man out, and Alec had promised to, but he'd yet to see him whenever he was with Magnus. Alec had told Magnus that Magnus had to tell him everything that was going on, so as much as Alec would have preferred to keep the whole ordeal to himself, he told Magnus everything. It was only fair that he knew and at the same time, it was a bit of a relief to voice the pain and let it be heard. Magnus understood and that really meant a lot to Alec.

"So, where to next? Anywhere I can find some hot guys around here?"

"Izzy."

"What Alec? Were you really expecting any less from me?" Isabelle said, stopping to sit gracefully on one of the many benches.

"Well, what about Simon? You know, your boyfriend?" Alec asked.

Isabelle's gaze fell, her face falling into sadness. "Yeah, about that."

Alec moved quickly to sit next to his sister. "Izzy, what happened?"

"Nothing bad. I mean, we're still together. It's just, he got accepted to Cal Tech."

"Izzy, that's amaz... Oh." The pieces quickly fell into place and Alec understood just why that sad look was painted across his sister's face.

"Yeah," Isabelle said defeated. "And if I go here... do you know how many miles there are between California and New York?"

"Uh... no."

"2 413," she said softly. "We'll never be able to make it work with that distance between us. But it's been his dream school since before he could remember, and... he said he could always go to MIT to be closer to me." Isabelle looked up at Alec, her face clouded with sadness. "I don't want him to give up his dream for me. So I was looking at schools down there. I thought..."

"Izzy," Alec interrupted, taking Isabelle's hand softly in his. "Idris is your dream too."

"I know but I think I love him and I don't want him to give up Cal Tech for me. There are good schools down there too, and the fashion business is still good. I can make it work." She paused, looking down at her and Alec's clasped hands. She smiled softly before looking back up at her brother. "Alec, can I ask you something?"

"Sure Izzy."

"Say Magnus' art dreams took him to California too, would you give up your dreams here to be a writer and go with him?"

"Of course I would," Alec answered quickly, not even needing to give it a second thought. He'd travel to the end of the world with Magnus if that was what he needed to do. "I can write anywhere, and they teach English and History at pretty much every school."

"Exactly. I can design there too Alec. I don't need to go here." She paused, thinking. "It's sort of like, you do the things you do for love. You know what I mean?"

"I know exactly what you mean." That short little phrase had molded itself into Magnus and Alec's relationship from day one, becoming a large part of them and the things they did for each other.

"So then you understand if I go to California?"

"I'll understand wherever you choose to go Izzy. Just, make sure he's worth it. I don't want to see you get hurt."

"I'm not going to get hurt Alec. I know he's special. He's worth it." Isabelle smiled inwardly, reflecting on Simon, and Alec could see in her eyes just how much that dorky band geek meant to his sister. It warmed Alec's heart to know that his baby sister, who had floated from boy to boy for years, had finally found someone to hold her down and love her as she deserved. Alec might not have exactly warmed to Simon at first, but as long as he made his sister happy, he considered Simon a good guy in his books.

"That's good." Alec smiled. "Just make sure he knows that if he hurts you, he better put more than 2 413 miles between him and New York."

Isabelle laughed. "I'll tell him." She slid her arms around Alec's neck, pulling him close into a tight hug. "Thank you for listening to my problems."

"Yeah, cause you don't listen to mine on a daily basis." They both laughed holding each other close for a few seconds. "I'm always here if you need me sis."

Isabelle pulled away, her previously sad face now the one he was used to seeing on his sister. "I know. Now, let's guy watch."

"Izzy, boyfriend," Alec pointed out forcefully. "Both of us, I might add."

"So, your point?"

Alec just continued to look at his sister in disbelief.

"Oh come on Alec. Don't tell me you don't look once in a while. There is absolutely no crime in looking just so long as you don't touch. Now come on, what about him?" Izzy pointed out into the late afternoon crowd.

Alec followed her finger, his eyes laying upon a black haired, hazel eyed jock. He had his shirt off, as he was tossing a football back and forth with a couple other guys. He had a toned muscular stomach, his skin a dark smooth tan.

"He's not ugly, but not really my type. Too built. Plus, he has no ass."

Isabelle laughed, her laughter a smooth silky sound.

Alec looked at Isabelle alarmed. "What, did I say something wrong?"

"No, I just didn't expect you to actually say something. Okay, how about him? Now that's a fine ass."

That it was. The man was blond, his hair long and curly around his angular face. His eyes were a deep blue, almost like the sea after a storm. He held a black Fender in his hands, his back up against the tree as he strummed a few chords, his voice a soft sound on the wind, reaching the wanting ears of the girls around him. Despite the eyes, he kind of reminded Alec of Jace. It was there in the face. They held their jaw the same and had the same quick, heart melting grin that painted their whole face.

"He's nice."

"Nice? Alec, that man's damn near fuckable."

Alec just laughed at his sister's abrupt use of language, but couldn't help but agree.

"Alright, hmm... him."

Alec followed her gaze, his heart stopping as he saw who she was looking at. It was him. The one who remained nameless in Alec's brain but whose face he would never forget. He had dark, jet black hair and even blacker eyes. He reeked of confidence, each step he took a 'Fuck you' to the world saying he was the best. The grin that crossed his face was evil, just as dark as his eyes, the corners curling up like he had a plan that would take over the world and he was the only one privy to it. He was talking with his friends as he walked, the two guys around him nodding and smiling, two chess pieces in the black knight's game.

"Hey Alec! Yeah, I'll take that as a yes."

"No. No. Izzy, let's just go. Please." Alec took Isabelle's hand, pulling her up off the bench. He started walking away but Isabelle pulled back, stopping Alec.

"Alec, what's going on? Do you know him?"

"Izzy, please, can we just go?"

"Fine."

Alec pulled at Isabelle's hand again, hurrying off in the other direction of the man, taking a detour to his dorm that took them an extra five minutes. Isabelle didn't say anything as they walked but Alec knew she was close to bursting. He knew his actions created a lot of questions and he'd answer them when they were safe in his dorm. Right now, he just wanted to get away. If he stayed and that man said anything he didn't know if he'd be able to handle it around Isabelle and if he'd be able to answer the questions it created.

Alec opened the door, welcoming the comfort of the dorm and the protection that the closed door gave him. Alec took a deep breath, his back to his sister. But he knew that one breath was all he was going to get before the questions started.

"Are you going to tell me what the hell is going on? Why'd you just flip like that? Sure the guy looked like a cocky asshole, but he was gorgeous."

Alec turned around to look at his sister and he could see the sincerity in her face and that the happiness from their game had drained away to seriousness.

"Izzy..."Alec didn't know how to say it. Magnus just sort of guessed when things were going on but Isabelle had no idea, so he actually had to put all of it in words. Isabelle just looked at Alec expectantly, waiting. "I don't know his name, but he's in one of my classes."

"And?"

"And, ever since I came out with Magnus, he's made it clear to me he doesn't like it."

Isabelle's face shifted from one of concern to one of complete anger. "I'm going to kill him." Isabelle moved to leave, but Alec caught her hands, pulling her back to him. He could feel her shaking beneath his hands. Bless her soul, really. But sometimes Alec just wished she wasn't so protective. But then again, he'd do the same thing if it was her.

"Izzy stop. Don't."

"Don't? Alec, does Magnus know?"

"Yes."

"And he hasn't done anything?" Isabelle tried to pull away from Alec, but Alec held her there.

"No Isabelle, you cannot kill him either."

"Then who can I kill?"

"No one."

Isabelle's shoulders fell, defeated as she realized Alec wasn't going to let her do anything. "Fine. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

"Yeah, but has he hurt you? Has he hit you?"

"He's pushed me in the hall a couple times, called me a couple names, nothing major."

"Nothing major? Alec, this man is bullying you because you love somebody. He's a homophobic arrogant asshole who's probably got a dick the size of my pinky. I won't let him get away with this." Fire lit in her eyes, dancing in the dark irises.

"Izzy, there's nothing we can do. I knew this was going to happen. Unfortunately, it's a part of being who I am. There's always going to be ignorant bigots out there."

"Yeah, but..."

"Yeah, Izzy, it hurts, like you don't even know. But I'll make it through. He's not going to tear me down, no matter how hard he tries. He can hate me, call me what he wants, but it won't change the fact that I love Magnus and for once in my life I'm truly happy. I know that he's exactly what I've feared my whole life, but I've realized that there's bigger things. I'll be okay Izzy." Okay, so that was a bit of a lie, a way to calm Isabelle down. He did mean the part about loving Magnus and nothing was going to change that, but he was still afraid. This was what he'd been afraid of his whole life, people like him. It was like seeing his old nightmares come to life and Alec couldn't wake up from them this time around. He knew he had Magnus and Isabelle to protect him but they couldn't take away the pain of his words or the feel of his hands against Alec's skin when he pushed him. They couldn't take away that pain, even Magnus who knew it far better that Alec ever would.

Isabelle smiled softly, relaxing a bit. But depsite her relazed look Alec knew she didn't really believe him. And he also knew that if Isabelle ever saw that guy again she'd probably rip him to shreds. That was his sister, always being protective when it was supposed to be Alec's job to protect her. But he guessed it went both ways with siblings. "You promise?"

"I promise." Alec stuck out his pinky finger and Isabelle repeated the gesture, hooking hers around Alec's. They both bit their thumbs, sealing the promise. They smiled, pulling away from each other. "I love you Alec."

"And I love you sis." They hugged, Alec holding Izzy closer than he normally did. God, he didn't know what he'd do without her. He knew a lot of people who had siblings and they fought just like Alec did with his, but that was all they did. They hated each other. Alec was thankful he didn't have that. His parents hadn't been home much when they were younger so they had had to rely on each other, and that was how they'd formed their bond. It was nice that the three of them were so close in age too because they really did grow up together. Max was a little left out there but he was still as close to them as they were to each other. Alec really wouldn't change his relationship with any of them for the world. Next to Magnus, they were the best thing he had and he was going to hold on as tight as he could for as long as he could.

* * *

"Oh yeah, that's gorgeous. Alec won't be able to resist you."

"You think?"

"Well I'd fuck you."

They both laughed, their laughter mixing as it settled around them peacefully. Isabelle lay on her side on Magnus' bed, flipping lazily through the newest issue of Cosmo. Magnus was coming in and out of the bathroom, a new outfit on each time. He was having issues deciding what to wear for his art show and had asked for Isabelle's expertise. This process had gone on for a few hours now, and it had been a really nice few hours. Magnus liked being able to bond with Isabelle and he felt that with every passing second he was growing closer with her. She was like his female counterpart, fitting him differently but just as well as her brother did. Magnus had never really had friends. Yeah he had a few through his art classes now and had had maybe one or two in his life, but he'd never had any that stuck around or really knew and understood him. Isabelle did. She got him, and it was so nice to have a friend like that, who was nothing more than just a friend. Alec was his best friend too, but it was different with him since he was also his boyfriend.

"Why thanks Izzy. I'm glad to know that. Just don't let Alec hear you." Magnus smiled.

"Yeah, I won't. He wouldn't like me taking away his responsibilities," she grinned, pausing. "Now seriously, wear that. It's perfect."

Magnus wasn't dressed as brightly and eccentrically as he sometimes was, given the occasion he was dressing for, but it was still him. He had on tight black pants, although not as tight as he normally preferred, leaving a little to the imagination. He adorned a black vest over a shiny silver dress shirt to which he also wore a slim, sleek purple tie. He also wore simple black leather fingerless gloves and had already planned out his hair and makeup in his head. It would be elegant but simple, a nice contrast to the quiet but bold outfit.

"It is isn't it?" Magnus smiled before walking back into the bathroom to change back into his outfit of the day. He changed quickly, his mind thinking about Alec now that Isabelle had brought him up. Magnus had been thinking about something for a while now, ever since Alec had let it slip in a conversation that he was thinking about it. Magnus wanted to surprise him, but he wanted Isabelle's opinion on it first.

Magnus left the bathroom to see Isabelle closing the magazine, moving it aside as she looked up at Magnus. "You're aware your room now looks like a glitter bomb went off in it right?"

Magnus looked around. His clothes were everywhere, draped over the couch, the beds, the desks, everything. When Magnus said he had gone through his whole wardrobe, he meant everything. And everything was a lot. What could he say, he liked clothes, even if there were some pieces he didn't really wear and had only bought on impulse because he really liked them.

"I think it looks fine."

"Can't say my brother would agree."

"Ah well, he could use a little glitter in his wardrobe anyway."

"Still none?"

"Nope," Magnus said defeated, as he sat down next to Isabelle on the bed. He looked down at her, marveling at how beautiful she was without even really trying. Magnus knew Isabelle wouldn't agree with him, but it was true. She was just like her brother. Alec could roll out of bed looking damn near edible and still look that way all day, and he did absolutely nothing. Isabelle had only worn a thin layer of make-up today and had ended up throwing her hair up in a tight ponytail, and yet she was still gorgeous. The Lightwood siblings really were a beautiful set of people.

"Izzy, do you mind if I pick your brain a little bit longer?"

"Yeah, sure."

"Okay, so a couple weeks ago your brother mentioned that he was tired of the dorm lifestyle and that he wanted out, and he's been bitching about it continuously since, and, well, you know how fiercely your brother can bitch. So I started looking around for apartments." He caught Isabelle stifle an excited squeal beside him and he smiled in reply. "And I can't say that was an easy task. I know Alec doesn't want anything big. He likes simple, concrete, nothing too extravagant."

"The exact opposite of you."

"Exactly." He paused. "But I think I found a place that'll fit us both." He took his phone out of his pocket, opening the pictures and handing it over to Isabelle. "What do you think? It'll obviously need some work first."

She sat there, scrolling through the pictures for a few seconds, her smile getting bigger as she went from one to the next. Magnus took that as a good sign as he sat there nervously. He wanted to surprise Alec, but then he didn't want it to be a bad surprise where Alec didn't like it. Magnus liked to think he could judge Alec's style pretty well by now so he thought the place he had a found, just a 10 minute walk from the school campus would be perfect for Alec. And although smaller than Magnus might have liked, he still really liked it, and the view from the roof was beautiful. Also, it wasn't like he was taking some big step in their relationship alone. They already lived together, so Magnus surprising him like this wasn't anything major. They would just be moving living quarters and nothing else would change. He knew that Alec wanted it but Alec wasn't exactly willing to act on it yet, so Magnus was doing it for him. And if Alec didn't like the apartment, they could always get a new one. Magnus wasn't going to put any money down on it until Alec had seen it.

"Magnus, it's perfect. For both of you. Alec'll love it."

"You think?"

"I know." Isabelle handed Magnus back his phone, smiling. "Go for it."

"Thanks."

Magnus took his phone, pocketing it. He looked back at Isabelle whose smile had faded and it looked like she was thinking, a blank shadow passing over her face.

"Magnus, can I talk to you about something now? On a more serious note?"

"Of course." Magnus turned on the bed to look at Isabelle, pulling his legs up, crossing them as he looked at Isabelle, waiting.

"It's about Alec."

"Yeah?"

"And the man who's been bullying him."

Magnus' face fell. Hearing that sent knives into his heart. He hated hearing about the fact someone was bullying Alec and he had no idea who it was and couldn't do a damn thing about it except try and protect Alec as much as he could. He hated knowing Alec was hurting and it tore him apart. Magnus knew what it felt like and Alec put on a good front, just as Magnus did for years, but Magnus understood what was really going on underneath it all. Alec was scared and hurting and he needed somebody. So Magnus had been there, doing what Alec asked and holding him through it all. He swore to God if he ever found out who was doing it he was going to kill them.

"I know who it is."

Magnus' attention snapped up to meet Isabelle's gaze. Magnus could see the same protective nature for Alec reflected in Isabelle's gaze that he knew was in his own. "Who?"

"His name's Sebastian. Alec and I were out walking and we saw him. His friends said his name. But when Alec saw him he just freaked and ran."

Sebastian. Sebastian. Why did Magnus have a feeling he knew who Isabelle was talking about? Alec had described the man to Magnus as best he could but Magnus had never been able to figure out who Alec was talking about. It was a big school. But not too many people had the name Sebastian. Black eyes, Alec had said, and black hair. He was tall, built, popular. Magnus continued to think about it, and then it clicked.

"Son of a bitch!"

"What?"

"Sebastian Verlac."

"You know him?"

"He's in more than a few of my art classes. He's good, and he'll be in the show." Magnus threw his head in his hands, taking a deep breath, trying to let it fill him up. It was so different to finally put a name to the face and to know who it was. Magnus clenched his fingers in his hair, pulling it in his frustration.

"I'm going to kill him," Magnus said through clenched teeth.

He relaxed a bit when he felt Isabelle's hands on his, pulling them out of his hair. Magnus looked up at Isabelle, dropping his hands to his sides.

"Alec already told me I can't. And I think that order applies to you too."

"But..." Magnus protested.

"We can't. But, that still doesn't mean we can't do something. We can stand up for Alec, even if he doesn't want us to. But he can put away his pride away for a few minutes and let us try and protect him. I won't sit back and let my brother get hurt, just as I know you won't. So we can do something about it. We can confront this Sebastian about it."

"Alec'll kill us for it."

"Hey, if we're not allowed to kill Sebastian, Alec sure as hell ain't allowed to kill us. Now come on. What do you say Magnus?"

Magnus searched Isabelle's eyes and determined she was serious. She was ready to confront Sebastian for her brother, no matter what the consequences. She really wasn't going to let her big brother get hurt. And Magnus was with her. Now that Magnus knew, he wasn't going to pretend to ignore it anymore. He was going to do something about it. He'd spent too many years of his life in Alec's position to let Alec experience what he did. He wasn't able to stop his own pain, but maybe he could stop Alec's.

"Alright. I'm in."

Isabelle smiled. "Alright, let's go. I think I know exactly where to find him."

Magnus' eyebrows shot up in surprise. "Where?"

"Wherever Alec is," Isabelle said softly, sadness and anger both fueling her words and painting her face.

Magnus knew where Alec was, some class he had on Shakespeare. But Magnus knew the building and he knew how to get there. He knew Alec would be getting out soon, and if anything happened, Magnus was going to be there to pick him back up and protect him. He was going to be there to say everything to Sebastian he knew Alec was too afraid to say. He was going to give Alec what he never had and that was someone who would hold him up through it all and protect him from the pain. He wasn't going to watch Alec hurt anymore. He just wasn't.

But he wasn't going to hurt Sebastian either. Two wrongs didn't make a right. Violence did not solve violence. And Magnus had dealt with enough violence in his life to last him a lifetime. Words were what he would use. Magnus had realized too that words could hold just as much power as someone's closed fist or steel toe. Words hurt too, and Magnus had been at the sharp end of those just as much as he'd been at the sharp end of hard knuckles and leather belts. He was going to stand up to Sebastian as he had never stood up to his father, his many foster parents, the homophobic teachers, and his own Sebastians of his childhood. He was going to stand and not fall. This time, it would be them hurting and getting pushed down, not him. It was their turn to hurt, their turn to suffer. Magnus was done, and he was going to make sure Alec was too.

* * *

Alright there you go. Please review and let me know what you think. Thank you so much for reading. And also I don't know when the next update will be. October is already starting to look a little crazy for me. I just got asked to help finish writing the play for my school production and the director wants to start casting at the end of October, which means we need a finished script by then. So I'm going to have to focus a lot of my writing time on that. Also, I'm extremely busy with extra curriculars, school, work, applying for scholarships and everything else that comes with applying to University. So I hope you can all bare with me. Updates probably won't be as often as I would like, but they will happen. The story is coming to an end. I've got about 7 more chapters planned. Again, thank you all for reading and I'll try to get the next chapter up as soon as I can, but it'll depend how life works out. Anyway, love you guys. Thanks.

Be the change,  
Amber


	32. Uncaptured

Chapter 32

Uncaptured

* * *

Hey everyone! I'm back! Sorry it took so long but life's been insane and unfortunately will continue to be. But I did finally get a break in my busy schedule to finish this chapter. So, I won't keep you waiting any longer. I hope you all enjoy, and thank you to everyone who read, favourited, alerted, and reviewed last chapter. I love all of you. Thank you. Enjoy!

* * *

Songs: Brave New World-Hedley

You and Me-Parachute

* * *

Class passed slowly, the seconds ticking by forcefully as if gravity was forcing the second hand still on the clock. It was agonizing, waiting for the minutes to pass. It didn't help that Alec hadn't even registered a single thing his professor had said. His mind was elsewhere, something it seemed to do a lot lately. Alec just didn't feel safe to let his mind wander, to let it go. He felt like he had to keep it on full alert, watching all those around him, waiting and ready to react if needed. That had become his life now, that need to protect himself against those around him. When his being gay was a secret, it had been his shield and he was protected from the words and the skin of others, but now that shield had shattered and Alec had nothing to protect himself with except his own words and skin. But his words weren't that sharp and his skin wasn't that tough. They didn't make for a good shield, and so the wounds grew, piercing and slicing through him with every passing day.

He watched the clock, waiting, just waiting, for the time to come to leave the stifling lecture hall and breathe some fresh air. His heart lifted as the two hours came to a close and they were dismissed. He grabbed his bag, slinging it over his shoulder as he started for the door. He just wanted out, away from all the people, from all the eyes. Those eyes. They were always looking, always judging, and it was like an itch Alec couldn't scratch, an itch that grew and grew until it overtook him. He exited the room into the large hallway, taking a deep breath as he felt the pressure of all the people disperse around him. Alec really just wanted to go back to the dorm and see Magnus and his sister. Those were the people he cared to be around, the people he felt safe around.

Alec started walking, pushing past the students in the hallway, wanting to get away from them as fast as he could. He just wanted out and the faster he did that, the better he would feel. When he was with Magnus in public, it didn't feel so bad. He felt safe next to Magnus because he knew whatever happened he had Magnus there to pick him back up. But when he was alone, he had to pick himself back up, and everyone knows how much harder it is to get yourself back up when you're hurt, then if someone lends a helping hand. But Alec had no plans to fall today. He would rush back to the dorm and be safe behind the door and in Magnus' arms. No one would be allowed to say anything, do anything, and he would be okay.

Alec turned the corner, stopping when he saw the man he'd hoped to avoid, standing in the hallway alone. Alec froze and thought of turning and running but he'd already seen him and there was no running now. And really, he was tired of running, of dodging hallways and corners just in hopes of avoiding the man who haunted his dreams but still remained nameless. So he stayed where he was, even if fear gripped him as tight as a vice yelling at him to turn and run. He wasn't going to run. It had been a few weeks of this, of the random acts of bullying and Alec was tired. He knew that he could run but he couldn't keep doing that for the rest of his life. Eventually he'd have to face the man and face his fears. Alec knew he had to take matters into his own hands on this one. Magnus and Izzy both had wanted to kill him and confront him for Alec, but Alec wasn't going to let them handle his problems. He had learned over the last year that as scary as it is, the best thing you can do is to face your problems. If you fail facing them, at least you know you tried because if you don't face them, they'll just haunt you for the rest of your life. And so, here he was, facing those eyes, standing tall. He hadn't fallen yet and that was a good sign. It was time he stood up for himself against this man. He had said something to Isabelle the day before, something that was partially a lie, but looking back on it, he didn't want it to be a part lie. He wanted it to be true, all the way through. That man could try all he wanted, but he would never tear Alec down.

"Oh look who it is, Idris' own little fairy. How cute. And alone too. Where's that bitch you're normally with?" He sneered at Alec, his eyes dark and burning, searing deep into Alec's soul, just at his words did. Alec held his jaw tight, his body tall, and told himself that he would make it through. It didn't matter what this man thought of him, because his opinion didn't matter. Alec was who he was and nothing anyone said or did would change anything. He tried to channel Magnus, thinking about him, what he'd do. Magnus was one of the strongest people Alec knew when it came to this kind of thing. Magnus had faced the worst kind of discrimination because he was gay and made it out alive. He had faced it, beat it down, and won. He was still standing tall and he didn't give a fuck what other people said to him or did to him because they didn't mean anything. And so, right now, for Alec, this man could say what he wanted but it wouldn't mean anything. It wouldn't change a single damn thing.

"She's not a bitch," Alec said firmly holding his gaze with the man's, even though part of him was fighting to look away. Alec was the same height as the man, something Alec rarely experienced, except with Magnus who was taller. But still, looking in those eyes, Alec felt small, like nothing compared to the man.

The man laughed, his dark eyes dancing. "And he speaks. I was beginning to think you weren't just gay but mute too."

"What's your problem?" Alec asked quickly, the question spurring from his lips.

"Excuse me?" A bit of surprise surfaced on the man's cold face, but was quickly replaced by an emotionless slate.

"You heard me. What the hell did I ever do to you? You don't even know me." Alec's fists clenched at his sides, his nails digging into his skin. Part of him was scared as hell, but the other part of him was completely ready for this. He was ready to take him on, to stand up for himself. He was tired of being pushed down because of who he was.

"I know you're gay, and that's enough for me," he said, his words full of disgust. "It's people like you that disgust me."

"Well then, it appears we share a mutual opinion about each other." Alec knew he couldn't crumble. He couldn't let his guard down and break against the pressure of facing him. This was his chance and whatever happened, at least Alec could say he tried. "Look, you can think whatever the hell you want about me, but I don't care. Do what you want, say what you want, but it won't change who I am. You will never break me down. And you know what? The fact that you seem to have nothing better to do then hate on me, makes me think there's something about you that you're ashamed of. So at least I have the courage to tell the world who I am."

"Aw, how sweet. Good for you," he said sarcastically. "Did you prepare that little speech specifically for me, or do you use that on everyone who hates what you are? I like to think it was just for me."

"Well, think what you want, it doesn't change a thing. So go ahead, hate me. I don't care because you don't mean a damn thing to me and your opinion doesn't matter. I'm gay, you're straight. We're still people and I don't hate you because you like women. I hate you because you're an ignorant asshole who thinks he can do and say whatever the hell he wants without consequence. It's people like you that make the world a bad place. And you know what I think; you're just a coward, too afraid to face the truth of yourself so you hate those brave enough to do it."

"I am not a coward!" He launched himself at Alec, but he never got to him. Instead he was stopped, by Magnus. Alec looked at Magnus amazed, having not expected him to show up. Magnus held the man by the front of his shirt, and standing a few inches taller than the man, Magnus looked intimidating, despite his petite frame compared to the athletic man in front of him. It was the look on Magnus' face that made him look that way. It was a look that could cut ice, a look so angry, so fierce, that anyone would be afraid.

"Don't you ever fucking touch him again." Each word was full of anger, slipping past Magnus' lips like knives. His eyes were on fire, the thick flames swirling in the deep green and yellow. The man's face remained blank, but in the dark pits of his eyes, Alec could see something, not really fear, but more like an understanding of Magnus' warning.

"Bringing your boyfriend to the game, now that's not very fair, is it? If I'd known this was a party I would have brought somebody too," he said, his ever present grin still splayed across his face despite the position he was in against Magnus.

Alec flinched slightly when someone touched his shoulder, but settled when he looked over to see Isabelle smiling at him. He smiled back looking back at Magnus and the man who still remained nameless.

"Listen here Verlac, I know what you've been doing to Alec and you can either stop or answer to me."

"Oh, is that a threat Bane?" Verlac asked. "If it is, it's pretty bad if you ask me." Alec had once thought that no one could get cockier than Jace, but he thought Verlac might be worse. Every word, every action, sang with confidence and where Jace could be modest and nice sometimes, Verlac was an evil, cocky man through and through.

"I wasn't asking you. I was telling you. Don't you ever lay another hand on him or say anything to him, or I will come for you."

"Really, and what the hell are you going to do to me?"

"Well, I'll start by telling the whole female population just how small Sebastian Verlac's dick is." He held up two fingers about two inches apart, a smirk on his face. "Sure that'll go over well. My guess is you'll be sleeping alone for the rest of your time here. For now, I'll let you go. I won't resort as low as you by using physical violence to achieve some means. But if you ever lay a finger on him again, I swear, I will kill you. Now get the hell out of my sight." Magnus let him go forcefully as Sebastian fell back slightly, catching his footing before he fell.

Sebastian looked from Alec to Magnus, his eyes sliding over Isabelle as an afterthought. Anger flooded his features and his eyes were even darker than normal. "You both are fucking disgusting. You deserve each other," he sneered before turning and walking away.

Alec watched as Sebastian walked away, disappearing behind a corner. Alec let out a deep breath of air he hadn't realized he'd been holding, as relief flashed through him. He had stood tall and made it out unscathed. He was okay and he'd stood up for himself and for Magnus. He wasn't going to let that Sebastian push him down anymore and he wasn't going to let anyone else like him do the same. Alec just hoped that what had been said in that hallway would make some difference, but a big part of him doubted it. People like Sebastian, they never changed.

When Sebastian was gone Magnus turned to Alec, rushing over to him. "Alec, are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Alec said reassuringly. "Thank you."

Magnus just nodded, pulling Alec into a tight hug, his arms holding Alec close to him and Alec could feel the desperation in that embrace, the want to never let go. And Alec never did. He wanted to hold on forever, to let Magnus be his anchor to the world, always there, never moving. He let the feel of Magnus in his arms overtake him, his eyes slipping shut as he breathed in the familiar lavender scent. It filled him up, settling his beating heart and cradling it as Magnus' arms cradled his body. Everything was okay, and right there he knew that.

Magnus pulled away, but kept his arms around Alec's waist. He leaned down slightly, connecting his lips with Alec's. It was soft, their lips unmoving in their unity. It didn't need to go any further, just that soft little connection was enough. It spoke 'I love you' and neither of them needed anything more than that. It lasted for a few seconds before Magnus pulled away. He looked over at Isabelle who was smiling lightly. "Your sister told me it was him."

"Yeah, and I better get a thank you like that."

"With a kiss?" Alec asked disbelievingly.

"Yep. Right here big brother." She pointed to her lips, smiling at him.

Alec laughed, unwrapping his arms from Magnus to go to his sister. He pulled her into a deep hug, again letting the solid feel of someone he loved overtake him. "Thank you."

"You're welcome. Now I want that kiss."

"Okay," Alec said, moving to kiss her, but laying his lips softly on her cheek instead. He pulled away from her.

"Hey, I said lips."

"Sweetheart, only my lips get that pleasure," Magnus said, grinning as he laid a quick kiss to Alec's lips, before taking Alec's hand in his. "Now come on, let's get the hell out of here. We're going to be late for Pirates and I do not want to miss Johnny Depp."

They all just laughed as they left the building and set off for the movies. Alec felt at peace. He knew things with Sebastian wouldn't get better overnight; Alec wasn't really one for wishful thinking like that. But he did know that he could say that he'd stood up for himself, and that was enough for him at that point.

* * *

The wind was cool for the late May night, but the night was beautiful. The sky was clear, stars dancing their light across its distance. The moon rose, full and round against the backdrop of stars, it's surface smiling down at the world below. Alec shared a similar smile, a smile that danced the surface of his face, lighting up his eyes like the stars. Magnus couldn't take his eyes off of Alec, reveling in the reflection of the sky in his boyfriend's face.

The movie had finished a half hour ago and they had dropped Isabelle off at the hotel she was staying at 15 minutes from the campus. Magnus and Alec had chosen to walk the way back to their dorm instead of taking a cab, wanting to take in the night air and the walk that they could share alone. Magnus had also wanted to surprise Alec.

Alec shivered against him.

"You're cold."

"I'll be okay," Alec smiled back at him, but Magnus just pulled him closer, hoping his body heat could heat the boy up. It normally did. Magnus didn't have a sweater or jacket since he was naturally hotter and the cold night air didn't bother him one bit. But he was considering wearing one from now on just in case Alec ever needed it.

They continued to walk for a few more seconds in comfortable silence when Magnus realized they'd reached the spot that he had been walking towards. "Hey, let's go in here."

Alec stopped, looking from Magnus to the building they had stopped in front of. It was a red stone building, four stories, tucked nicely between similar buildings which lined both sides of the road. It was nothing big, but it was nice, inviting. It was surrounded by trees on the sidewalk and around the building, a small enclosed garden lay in greeting before a short set of grey steps. It was in an older neighbourhood but it was a lively one, most of the people living there students at the University.

"Here? Why?"

"Do you trust me?"

"Of course I do."

"Then come on." Magnus took Alec's hand, leading him through the front gate and up the steps. He withdrew a key from his pocket, using it to open the door, leading Alec inside. He headed for a set of steps, taking Alec up them.

"Magnus?" Alec asked in a 'What are you doing?' kind of tone.

"Just, trust me, okay?"

Alec didn't say anything as Magnus stopped at the fourth story landing. He walked them to the end of the hallway, using a second key to unlock the door. He pushed it open, looking at Alec as if to tell him to go in. Alec just looked at him, confused, before walking into the apartment. Magnus followed him, standing behind Alec as he took in the room. It opened up into a large open room. To the left was a sectioned off kitchen, not too big but large enough to sustain the two of them. To the right was a dining area and in front was large living area. Off of the living room was a small balcony and a ladder that led to the roof. A hallway split off on the left which led to the bedroom, a bathroom, and a guest room. It was nothing extravagant. The walls were painted an odd cream colour, the floors a light chestnut throughout, except for white tiling in the bathroom. It was simple enough for Alec, nothing too big, nothing too extensive. It was perfect for Magnus because there was room enough for his touch, for him to fix it up and paint the walls as he liked, and as Alec liked.

Alec turned around, a confused look on his face, as he looked at Magnus. "Magnus, what is this?"

"It's ours. Well, that's if you like it. I still have time to give it back." Magnus really hoped Alec liked it. Magnus had looked all over and never really found something that he liked for both of them. The apartment was bigger than the dorm, good enough for them and Chairman, the neighbours seemed nice, the neighbourhood was safe and it was close to school. It was perfect; Magnus just hoped Alec felt the same.

"It's ours?"

"That's what I said Alexander."

"You got us an apartment?"

Magnus laughed at Alec's many questions. "Yes, I did. But if you don't like it..."

"No, I love it."

"You do?" Magnus asked, his heart lifting. Part of him was really freaking out that Alec's many questions were his disapproval. Magnus knew he was making a big decision for them both getting an apartment. But he knew Alec wanted one and they had talked about getting a place together eventually. Besides, they already lived together anyway, so it didn't make that much of a difference. So it really just depended on if Alec liked it and if he was really ready for it. And it sounded like he was.

"Yeah, I do." Alec closed the distance between him and Magnus. "I can't believe you did this."

Magnus just shrugged. "You were talking about getting a place, and I thought I'd surprise you."

"Well, I'm surprised. You didn't have to do this."

"I wanted to." Magnus wrapped his arms around Alec's waist, pulling him against him. "So you really like it?"

"It's perfect Magnus. So, so perfect." Alec smiled, biting his lip slightly. "So when do we move in?"

Magnus laughed. "Whenever you want."

"Tomorrow?"

He smiled. "Tomorrow sounds amazing." And with that he grabbed Alec's hand, pulling him against him. Their lips met, passion burning between them. Magnus could feel his heart singing. Alec liked it. That meant so much to him to know that Alec liked it. He'd taken a risk, but it had been a good risk, and Magnus wouldn't ever take it back. The thought of living together in an apartment was a lot different than a dorm. In the apartment, they were out on their own, in their own place, and it was a really big step for them. Magnus had lived with Camille before and that had never really meant much, but the thought of living with Alec, in their own place, he couldn't be happier. And in that, he kept picturing the future. He was picturing where they'd be in a year, in a couple years. Magnus had never pictured the future as much of anything, not really anything special since most of his life hadn't been really good. But this future, the one he had with Alec, he couldn't wait for it. It seemed beautiful, amazing, and for once in Magnus' life, he was ready to face the future with open arms because he had someone to face it with.

* * *

So it hadn't really been the next day that they'd been able to move in but it was still a few days later. They'd had to work out a few things first with the landlord, Isabelle was still over, and Magnus had wanted to go furniture shopping since living in a dorm didn't leave you with many personal possessions. But Magnus had had a few things from when he'd lived with Camille and the apartment had come with the essentials, the blue couch included. Magnus had wanted to buy a bright yellow leather couch but Alec had talked him out of it considering it was bright yellow leather, and they didn't exactly have the money.

But things were coming together. They had what they needed and the place was starting to look nice. Well, if paint speckled and plastic covered could classify as nice at that moment. Alec and Magnus had both agreed that the odd cream colour was disgusting and had to go. It was all throughout the apartment and Magnus had said it was the one thing that had almost stopped him from buying the place. But then he'd figured they could just repaint. And he said all of that with a mischievous grin on his face that had Alec thinking Magnus had far more planned than just painting.

Alec looked over at Magnus who was busy painting a few metres away from him on the other wall. They had made good progress in the few hours they'd been working, and it was only 1 in the afternoon. The air around him smelled of paint and Magnus' iPod was on full blast throughout the apartment, currently playing Love Game by Lady Gaga. Alec was listening more to Magnus' singing then Lady Gaga's, smiling softly to himself at Magnus' voice. It was always entertaining, to say the least.

He watched as Magnus ran the roller up and down the wall, a light blue shade replacing the cream. His shirt lifted as he moved, to show the bare skin of his back. In the afternoon sun, Magnus' skin shone, glitter glowing brightly on his tall frame. Alec watched with interest, having stopped painting long before. He was entranced by the exotic movement of Magnus' lean body, the muscles moving beneath his skin. He couldn't tear his eyes away, caught up in every movement, every sound, every inch of Magnus. He felt need erupt inside of him, taking him over. There had never been anything in Alec's life that he had wanted more than Magnus. Nothing. In that moment all he could see was Magnus and how perfect he was, and just how lucky he was to have him.

Alec started towards Magnus quietly, his paintbrush in his hand. He stopped behind Magnus, watching him intently. Magnus' hips moved seductively as he danced, swaying slowly with the music as the lyrics passed his lips. His jeans were low on his angular hips, gripping everything perfectly and Alec had to fight to tear his eyes away from just how perfect Magnus' ass was. He also had to fight the urge to grab it, but he had other plans. He closed the few inches between them, Magnus so engrossed in his singing and dancing that he hadn't even noticed Alec's presence.

Alec moved to Magnus' right, raising his hand and the paintbrush to paint a long thick blue strip down Magnus' cheek. Alec jumped away as he finished, looking at Magnus with a big smile on his face. Magnus' face turned from one of enjoyment to one of pure shock. He looked over at Alec. "You didn't."

"I did," Alec replied innocently, waving the paintbrush at Magnus.

"Oh no, it's on Lightwood."

"Bring it Bane." Alec said, grinning as he watched Magnus drop the roller to pick up the paintbrush from the can.

Alec turned and ran, crossing the room in a few quick strides. He turned to face Magnus to see where he was but Magnus was faster than Alec had anticipated. Magnus stood there, brush in hand and a grin that made the paint smile. Alec moved to duck but was a little too late, the brush catching his forehead at his hairline, the blue paint cold on his skin.

"Gotcha." Magnus laughed as Alec crossed the room again, putting the couch between him and Magnus. He turned to face him, the couch his only defence between them. Magnus had a wicked look on his face that crept into his eyes and Alec feared what Magnus might be planning. But Alec had started the war, so he had to finish it. He used his finger to beckon Magnus forward. Magnus took the command, running toward Alec, jumping the couch in the process. He stopped a few feet from Alec, his paintbrush ready, dripping slightly.

They just stared at each other, neither ready to make a move just yet. They both had big smiles on their face, and Alec was loving it. A paint fight wasn't something you really did every day, and Alec had to say, Magnus looked really funny with paint across his face.

Magnus was the first to make a move. He came at Alec with the paintbrush. Alec went to move but was caught by Magnus around the waist. They both fell to the ground. Magnus' paintbrush made contact with Alec's throat while Alec's fell out of his hand as they went down. Magnus positioned himself on top of Alec, his hips straddling him, keeping him pinned down. "Yep, I was right. This blue really is your colour."

Alec laughed. When they had gone paint shopping it had been an interesting experience, to say the least. Magnus knew all the names, all the shades and types, everything. He knew what went with what and what didn't. Magnus had wanted some shade of purple that Alec couldn't remember the name of but Alec had said no. No purple. He had also turned down red and pink. It had been between a yellow or a blue and they had decided together on the blue. But Magnus had still gotten yellow, in the bedroom. He had insisted they buy satin canary yellow bed sheets. Alec had been against it at first, but he had quickly grown to like them. Alec had to admit, they were really comfortable. And Magnus had even gotten mad the first night they'd had them because Alec had cuddled more with the comforter than he had Magnus. What? They were really comfortable.

"Really?"

"Mm hmm," Magnus said, tracing the paintbrush down Alec's cheek. As Magnus painted lines down Alec's face, Alec moved his hand slowly to the paint can, dipping his fingers into the paint. As Magnus moved to paint the other side of Alec's face Alec brought his hand up, connecting it with Magnus' face, leaving a blue handprint on the side of Magnus' face. Magnus looked down at him in shock and Alec returned the look with an innocent smile. Having Magnus above him like this was torturing Alec. All he wanted at that moment was to take Magnus down the hallway, throw him down on that comforter and take him. Alec was done painting. He had other ideas in mind, ideas he wanted to put into action.

"You are going to get it Alexander."

"Then give it to me." Alec's voice was low and rough and Alec caught the change in Magnus' face. "I don't want to paint anymore. I don't like it. It's hard."

"Alec, it's not that hard," Magnus replied simply.

Alec grabbed Magnus' hand, moving it to the bulge in his pants.

Magnus grinned, his eyes dancing. "I'm mistaken." He squeezed, eliciting a moan from Alec that also caused him to arch further into Magnus' hand, wanting more. It was torture watching Magnus paint all day. All he had seen were strong hands working with expert care and toned muscles rippling beneath that beautiful caramel skin. But he wanted to see more. He wanted to see those hands working their way over his body, and those muscles moving above him in perfect harmony.

Alec leaned up to whisper in Magnus' ear. "Give it to me Magnus. Give me everything you got." Alec didn't know what had overtaken him since he normally wasn't so forward about these kinds of things; that was Magnus. But to put it simply, Alec was horny and he was done with paint and furniture and decorating. He wanted sex, and he wanted it now.

"You sure baby?"

"Fuck me Magnus."

"You're going to wish you didn't say that," Magnus growled, his voice low and rough, the sound turning Alec on even more. His hard cock twitched in his jeans in response, making it even more uncomfortable. He wanted the restricting clothing gone and he wanted it gone now. Alec arched his hips upwards in asking, rubbing them slightly against Magnus' own, causing a deep moan to vibrate from Magnus' lips.

Magnus stood up, grabbing Alec's hand to pull him up, pulling him flush against him. Their lips met as Alec's hands slipped around Magnus' neck, stopping at the base, to pull him down closer. Alec's tongue slid over the line of Magnus' lips before pushing them apart quickly. Alec's tongue explored his mouth, reveling in each sound and movement he elicited from Magnus. He arched into Magnus, his lips, his body, everything screaming out for him.

He wanted him, bad. The need was like a monster inside of him, fighting to break free and take them both alive. They didn't have sex a lot, Alec wasn't really up to that. They didn't have it just for the sake of having it but in moments where they both wanted it, even needed it. And right now, Alec could feel the same need radiating off of Magnus' body that was burning in his own. He could feel it in the fevered passionate movement of Magnus' lips against his and in the tight grip of his hands around his waist, pulling him closer than they both knew was possible. They wanted each other and they were going to have each other.

They started toward the bedroom in a hurried movement, neither wanting to wait any longer, their need for each other about to explode from them both. Magnus' hands slipped under Alec's t-shirt, ripping it up over his head as Alec's own hands tore off Magnus' shirt, discarding it. His hands moved to Magnus' belt as they moved down the hallway, their movements hurried with passion. He tore off the belt, popping open the button and tearing down the zipper. His lips continued to dance with Magnus' as he pushed his boyfriend's pants and boxer briefs from his hips, his hands stopping on Magnus' wonderful ass as Magnus kicked the clothing the rest of the way off. Magnus' hands ripped open Alec's zipper as they cleared the bedroom doorway. He pushed down the fabric and Alec let it slip past his feet as they made it the last few feet to the bed.

The back of Alec's knees hit the edge of the bed and he let himself fall backwards, moving up the rest of the bed with his eyes focused on Magnus'. Magnus still stood there, his eyes looking Alec over hungrily. His tongue came out to lick his lips as his eyebrow went up, making Alec's cock twitch. God what was Magnus doing? He was killing him here by just standing there. He wanted him now, on top of him, inside of him. He wanted Magnus everywhere.

And with that, Magnus placed his hands on the edge of the bed. He started crawling forward slowly, torturing Alec with each inch he moved. He moved like a cat, his eyes hungry for the prowl, his movements agile and beautiful. As he came closer, he placed his lips to the skin of Alec's thigh. He kissed softly, nipping Alec's skin with his teeth, causing him to moan in pleasure and need. Magnus moved his lips to the other leg, kissing the same spot, but this time flicking his tongue out to lick the cold skin. He continued like this up Alec's thigh, alternating legs and with each kiss he sent Alec into an even deeper frenzy of need. Magnus was killing him, dragging out the moment and making him wild.

Magnus continued higher, getting closer to Alec's cock. "God, Magnus please."

Alec caught Magnus gaze as he looked up from his position between Alec's legs. His eyes were hungry, wild, and full of the same passion that burned within Alec at that moment.

Magnus kissed the indent between Alec's leg and his pelvis, sending a shiver through his body. Alec arched into Magnus' mouth, his body asking for more. Magnus moved to the other side, sending another shiver through Alec's body and Alec was about to plead for more when Magnus's lips descended on his cock.

"Fuck!" Alec screamed as Magnus took him straight to the base. Alec felt the muscles of Magnus' throat contract around him and he moaned in pleasure, his hands grabbing onto the yellow comforter beneath him, using it as something to hold onto before Magnus' mouth made him lose his senses. Magnus pulled off a bit, his teeth grazing Alec's shaft. "More Magnus. Please."

Magnus pulled off completely, darting his tongue out quickly to lick Alec's head. Alec's whole body arched for more as Magnus pulled away and it was enough to send Alec over the edge. Just a touch from Magnus was enough to send him reeling into oblivion. Just a touch did that and Alec wanted more. He wanted to feel Magnus inside him. He wanted him to fill him up and pound him deeper into that oblivion.

"Fuck me Magnus. Please."

Magnus looked up at Alec from between the loose onyx strands hanging in his face, his eyes dancing, the passion burning from their gaze. "Be patient baby. I will," he said mischievously. Alec knew Magnus was taking it slow on purpose. He was intentionally trying to kill Alec. He was dragging it out, giving Alec everything, building up to that moment. The things Magnus could do with his tongue and his mouth were out of this world. They were amazing and as Magnus' lips started up Alec's chest, Alec once again felt like he was about to go over the edge. He moved his hands to Magnus' hair, entwining his fingers there as Magnus moved up slowly. Magnus moved his lips to Alec's hard nipple, taking it between his teeth, nipping none too gently. Alec let out a gasp of pain as Magnus moved to the next one, repeating the action. He then placed his lips against Alec's collarbone, a place that had always been sensitive on his skin. His lips traced it, following the bone up to Alec's neck and the crook underneath his jaw. Alec pushed into Magnus' lips pleading for more.

Magnus's lips finally made their way to Alec's and Alec accepted them with intense passion, shoving his tongue into Magnus' mouth. His mouth was needy, his whole body screaming for more; his skin sweaty and pleading, calling out for Magnus. He explored Magnus' mouth as he heard him move his hand to grab the tube of lube from the bedside table.

Magnus pulled away, moving his mouth to Alec's ear. "You still want me to give it to you?"

"Yes," Alec replied breathlessly, his voice pleading in despair.

Magnus nipped at Alec's earlobe before sliding his tongue over it. "I'm sorry. I didn't hear you," he said softly, his voice low, rough, and sexy.

"Yes," Alec repeated, louder and more desperately. "Give it to me Magnus."

Magnus laughed seductively in Alec's ear, sending blood straight to Alec's already throbbing cock. Magnus took the cap off of the lube, squirting a small amount onto two of his fingers. He placed the lube aside, turning back to Alec with a ferocious fever burning in his eyes. He leaned back down to take Alec's lips as he pushed his fingers in slowly. Alec gasped against Magnus' lips in acceptance, feeling Magnus smile against him. Magnus' fingers circled inside of him, stretching Alec's muscles out. It felt good to feel this, to feel Magnus filling him up. But he wanted to feel full, to feel complete in this moment. He wanted to have Magnus inside of him, to feel connected to him fully and completely.

Magnus pulled his fingers out, hooking his hands around Alec's legs. He pulled Alec's legs up, wrapping them around his waist. Magnus grabbed the lube again, squirting it onto his palm. He threw it aside as he lathered his cock, his eyes locked on Alec's the whole time. Alec panted beneath him, his eyes pleading at Magnus for him to give him everything. Magnus had taken it all slowly, pulling Alec along so he was right at that point where he was ready to fall. Magnus placed himself at Alec's entrance, pushing inwards.

"Jesus!" Alec exclaimed, throwing his back into the pillow as Magnus filled him up. It wasn't rough, but it wasn't slow either. He filled Alec quickly and Alec couldn't even register the sounds he made as he let that feeling take him over. It wasn't like the first time. That was slow and more about making sure Alec was okay, while this time was about the pure raw undisputed need between them and the passion.

Magnus pushed deeper as Alec's hands moved to Magnus' hair, gripping the strands violently. Magnus' hips hit Alec's pelvis, his cock completely sheathed within Alec. Their eyes met as Magnus stopped, unmoving.

"Give me everything Magnus," he said, between breaths. "Please," he added, his voice pleading for more and he knew Magnus would oblige.

Magnus just nodded as he started moving in and out, his movements growing faster and faster. Their eyes remained locked as the seconds passed, both lost completely in each other. Alec's hips moved with Magnus' arching into the movement, craving more, needing it.

"Fuck!" Alec screamed as Magnus drove deep, hitting Alec's prostate. Magnus drove in again causing Alec to scream out Magnus' name in ecstasy. Alec squeezed his legs harder around Magnus' waist, pulling him deeper as Magnus' hands held onto his ass. Alec was lost completely, having given himself over minutes ago to everything he had asked Magnus to give him.

They continued like that for 15 minutes, Alec asking for more, needing more. And Magnus gave it to him, not once going easy on Alec for any reason. They continued on until they could both feel themselves slipping away. Magnus' thrusts grew few and far between and Alec could feel his control slipping from him with each passing second. Sweat dripped from his skin and Magnus' and the air around him seemed supercharged and hot as a fire.

Magnus' hand moved to Alec's dick, stroking it up and down and that was what did it for Alec. He screamed out Magnus' name as he gave into everything, letting his orgasm hit him and overtake him. He shot off into Magnus' hand, the muscles in his body contracting and releasing, reacting to the sensation.

Magnus continued the moment for a few more seconds before his own orgasm overtook him, joining Alec. He released inside Alec, his body contracting as he filled Alec up. Alec's eyes slipped shut in pleasure, the feeling rushing over him. Magnus' body grew weak around him, his hand moving to support himself on the bed. Magnus still remained inside Alec, his rapid breathing mixing in the air with Alec's own as the aftermath of their orgasms rode through them both.

"You okay?"

"Yeah," Alec said breathlessly, smiling.

Magnus pulled out slowly and Alec let out a small hiss of pain. He was filled with disappointment as the feeling of emptiness rushed through him. He unwrapped his legs from Magnus' waist, letting them fall to the bed weakly. Magnus moved off of Alec, falling to the bed beside him. They lay like that for a few minutes, both of them quiet as they tried to catch their breaths and regain the control of their bodies.

"Well, we can't say we didn't christen the apartment properly," said Magnus, looking over at Alec.

Alec laughed softly, turning over to face Magnus. "No, we can't. And we broke in your sheets," he added with a laughing smile.

Magnus laughed. "That we did baby." And with that he laid a soft kiss to Alec's lips before both their eyes slid shut and they fell into a peaceful sleep, both dreaming of the other and the love they shared.

* * *

So, how was it? Let me know in a review while I go off to start the next chapter while I still have free time. Not sure when it'll be up since this week's my birthday and I'm doing a lot of stuff, plus I'm going to start looking at universities over the next couple of weeks which will involve driving myself around the province, plus I have my school play to finish writing, and I have a bunch of scholarships to start applying to. But I will try and get it up as soon as I can. Anyway, thanks for reading. Love you all!

Be the change,  
Amber


	33. Unawakened

Chapter 33

Unawakened

* * *

Hey everyone! I'm back! First off, thanks so much for all the reviews, favourites, and alerts last chapter. They were exactly what I needed to make my stressful life better right now. You all make my life so thank you so much for reading and for just being amazing. But now, this chapter took a little bit longer due to the material, which you'll see. It took me awhile before it felt right, and it also involved a lot of tears. But again thank you for reading and I hope you like it.

**WARNING: Chapter includes possible triggers, including violence, homophobic terms, and bullying. Please do not read if this will affect you. **

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Songs:

Echo-Jason Walker

The Kill Acoustic-30 Seconds to Mars

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"I can't do this."

"Yes you can."

"No, I can't."

Magnus paced nervously back and forth in the bathroom of the Art Gallery, his black boots leaving treads in the linoleum floor. Alec stood watching him, trying his best to settle Magnus' nerves. Magnus hadn't been able to bring himself to go into the gallery yet. When they were back at the apartment Magnus couldn't have been more excited and Alec had thought Magnus' nerves had completely dissipated. And he was fine until they got there. But then he saw the dozens of people and he found the excuse that he needed to use the bathroom. 15 minutes later, here they were.

Alec grabbed Magnus' hand, stopping him mid stroll. Magnus looked back at Alec, his normally calm, glowing eyes, a now frantic swirl of yellow and green. It was so unlike Magnus to be nervous. Hell if it weren't for what he was seeing now, he'd say Magnus didn't even know what it meant to be nervous. Magnus was always so confident in himself and his abilities that being nervous was about as rare as not wearing some form of glitter.

Alec pulled Magnus towards him, grabbing his other hand with his. They faced each other, their eyes meeting. "You can do it," he said, trying once again to reassure his boyfriend of his talents. He squeezed Magnus' hands, smiling. "You've no reason to be nervous. You wouldn't be here if you weren't good enough. So just go out there, flaunt your work, and show those people how amazing you are."

"But what if they don't like it?"

"Would you stop saying that? They'll like it. And wasn't it you who always told me, 'If they don't like it, then fuck them'? Stop thinking about what people will think baby. This night's about you, and I don't want you to spend it in here worrying." He moved his hands to Magnus' collar, adjusting it before laying his hands lightly on Magnus' shoulders. "I want you to spend it out there, doing what you are meant to do."

"And what's that?"

"Art. Your art." Alec smiled, catching the small shifts in Magnus' face that were the nerves going away. "This is a night for you to celebrate everything you've done, and I won't let you waste it, even if that means I have to tie you up and drag you out there myself."

Magnus' eyebrow shot up. "Tie me up? Baby, why didn't you just say so? I'm all yours." Magnus crossed his wrists, holding them up to Alec, a seductive glint in his eyes.

Alec laughed. "And he's back." Alec pulled Magnus' wrists apart, closing the last few inches between them. He wrapped his arms around Magnus' neck as Magnus wrapped his around Alec's waist, pulling him closer.

"Is that a good thing?" Magnus asked, his eyebrow arched. God, the things that just that eyebrow could do to Alec were unbelievable.

Alec nodded. "Mhm."

"Good," Magnus said. He leaned down, taking Alec's lips with his. Alec pushed into the contact, molding his body to Magnus' and embracing the moment. Their lips moved together in perfect harmony as Alec's hands found their usual spot and Magnus pushed him back up against the sink counter. Alec took this as Magnus having heard him. He could sense the confidence radiating off of Magnus again, and it was beautiful. Alec understood Magnus' nerves but he didn't want Magnus to give up opportunities because of them. Alec knew that Magnus knew he was an amazing artist, even if he didn't always admit it to himself.

"We should get back to the gallery," Alec said between kisses as Magnus' hands trailed the edge of Alec's pants, tugging ever so lightly at his dress shirt. Alec knew Magnus got some sort of thrill out of doing things they shouldn't in places they shouldn't, but here was definitely not the place. Alec didn't care how badly Magnus' body was calling out to him and how badly his wanted to oblige.

"It can wait," Magnus said quickly, nipping at Alec's bottom lip. His hands tugged a little harder, wanting more.

Alec pulled away completely, placing his hands between them, as much as he really didn't want to. "No, it can't. And you know that."

"But..."

"Magnus."

"Fine," Magnus said, his face dropping. But then it slowly grew into a smile as he took a deep breath. "Alright, you're right. I can do this."

"Now that's what I've been waiting to hear." Alec smiled, placing another quick kiss to Magnus' lips before turning him towards the door. "Now come on, go." And with that he laid a hard smack to Magnus' ass, pushing him forward.

Magnus looked back over his shoulder at Alec, that god damn eyebrow raised yet again. What the hell was he trying to do to him? "Are you trying to torture me?"

Oh yeah, because Alec was the one doing the torturing. The minute Magnus had walked out of the bedroom dressed in that outfit, Alec was being tortured. He'd been fighting the urge to fuck Magnus where he stood all night, and the night had barely begun. But one thing Alec had had to learn with Magnus was restraint, especially considering Magnus had no idea what the word even meant. If Alec hadn't learnt it Magnus would have already had him on the counter naked, his lips working wonders over Alec's body. Alec's body shivered at the image, but he pushed it away. No, not now. Later. Later he'd give Magnus exactly what he wanted.

"Tonight."

"Oh, is that a promise?"

Alec just nodded, placing his hands lightly on Magnus' shoulders and pushing him out of the bathroom.

They walked down the hallway in silence, Magnus walking tall and confident, his steps bringing a smile to Alec's face. Alec couldn't be happier that Magnus was being given a chance like this to showcase his art. Before Alec even knew Magnus he had fallen in love with his art, with just that simple little drawing. There was something about Magnus' art that was unique and rare. Alec would never claim to know anything about Magnus' art, but he did know about art; about the art of words. He knew what it meant to see something you created come alive in front of you. He knew that feeling, that thrill of creation. And there was something about art that if you weren't an artist you would never really understand. As much as art is a physical thing that you can make and look at and hold in your hand, art is a part of the soul. Art is the extension of the artist. It's not just some beautiful picture or catchy song, but it's a part of you, and when it came to Magnus and art, his work was him. It wasn't just a part of him, but it was everything he'd been, everything he was, and everything he was going to be. Magnus' art was more than just some lines and some paint, it was a story, each line circling into words upon the canvas. Alec had never seen an artist so devoted, so much a part of their art, as Magnus. Magnus was every line, every curve, every shaded space. He was his art and Alec couldn't be prouder to see Magnus finally being able to show the world all of him. And Alec knew that if Magnus' mother was here now, she couldn't have been more proud of her son.

They came to the gallery, molding into the crowd as they passed under the doorway. The crowd dispersed around them, people going to the art that first caught their eyes. It was a bit of a party around them, people just celebrating art and all that it represented in life. Alec watched the change in Magnus as he entered the room. He shone, and not just because he was a walking glitter bomb, but because Magnus had the kind of presence that just commanded a room. And people just naturally gravitated towards him in situations like these. This was his element and Alec could tell that Magnus was going to own the night.

Magnus looked down at him, smiling. He took Alec's hand and Alec's initial thought was to pull away out of habit, but he stopped. He didn't do that anymore. Instead he just smiled, squeezing Magnus' hand as Magnus started throughout the room. They didn't get far when Alec stopped, clenching Magnus' hand tighter. Magnus looked down at him, worried. He then followed Alec's eyes and suddenly moved in front of Alec to block Sebastian from view.

Magnus had told Alec that Sebastian would be there since he was one of the artists being represented. Alec had been okay with it then, or at least as okay as he could be, but being here, seeing him, that was different. Despite what had transpired a week before between them and Sebastian, Alec's heart still froze every time he saw him. Sebastian had refrained from saying anything to Alec, instead resorting to glaring at him from a distance, but Alec was still afraid. He didn't believe people changed, no matter what happened, so he still lived with the feeling that Sebastian wasn't done. And of course he knew, that even if Sebastian was done, there were still many more of him in the world.

"Baby, don't pay attention to him."

"And how am I supposed to do that?" Alec could see Sebastian behind Magnus' thin frame. He was glaring at them, his eyes a piercing black that made Alec shiver.

Magnus grabbed Alec's chin. "Look at me." He moved Alec's face so their eyes met. "I'm not going to let him do anything to you, I promise. He means nothing, you hear me?"

Alec just nodded.

"Good." Magnus moved his hand to tuck a strand of Alec's hair behind his ear, smiling softly. He kissed Alec lightly and it was enough to ease Alec's racing heart. Alec knew that as long as he had Magnus, no matter what happened, he would always be okay.

They continued through the room, Alec paying little attention to anyone but Magnus. On the other hand, Magnus greeted people Alec didn't know, spent a couple minutes in polite conversation with others, and when it came down to discussing his work, Alec had never seen Magnus so alive. Alec couldn't take his eyes off Magnus all night. He was mesmerized by the beauty of him, lost in each movement and each word.

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As the night moved along, it became more and more about Magnus. Other artists fell along the wayside as teachers, artists, students, everyone gravitated to Magnus and his art. Alec just stood back and watched, all the while smiling and feeling his heart fly as Magnus did. Magnus was finally getting the attention he deserved.

"Thank you." Magnus smiled as the latest person to compliment his work walked away. He was seriously on cloud nine. The only other time he felt this alive was with Alec. And really, for the first time in his life he was actually proud of himself. No matter what people said to him over the years, he'd never quite seen what they did. But now, seeing all these people examining his work and loving it, it was like a dream come true. You'd think Magnus would have been proud of himself when he got into the art program at Idris, given how competitive it was, but he wasn't. Not really. But now he was because he was finally seeing that it wasn't just always going to be his mother and Alec who had loved his art. It was other people too, complete strangers who didn't know him but loved his art. They didn't care how dark some of the pieces were, but loved the story behind them and the ability to relate. They loved his art. They loved him.

'_You'll be famous one day Magnus.'_

'_No I won't Mom.'_

'_Yes you will.'_

Her words echoed through his head as another person stopped to examine a drawing he had done of his mother. She was standing on the beach, her arms wrapped around her against the night air as she looked out at the sunset. Magnus had many memories of his mother at the beach and he cherished every one of them. Those were the days they would run off and buy ice cream. Those were the days they would discuss superheroes and cartoons and pirates and art. Those were the days that the woman Magnus saw was the woman his mother was meant to be. Magnus had tried to capture her as best he could in that picture, drawing from memory all that he could. Originally he wasn't going to put the picture in the show given how personal it was to him, but after debating it for days, he'd entered it last minute. And now he was glad he did.

He swore he could almost feel her presence in the room. Magnus knew that this was where his mother always knew his life would take him. He wasn't famous yet but he was doing what he loved to do and had always dreamed to do. All those years ago he hadn't believed her, but now he was starting to. He was starting to see the path of his life that she had always seen. Maybe there was a chance that Magnus could be more. Maybe she had always been right. Well, not really maybe since he couldn't remember a time she'd been wrong.

"Did you have to put that picture in?"

Magnus snapped out of his reverie, his eyes moving from his mother's face to Alec's. Magnus smiled, knowing exactly what picture Alec was talking about. It was the one he'd done at Christmas when Alec had bought him the easel. Magnus knew Alec would object, which is why he hadn't mentioned it to him. But honestly, it was one of his best pieces and his professor had insisted he show it. So, he did. And Alec could complain all he wanted but people were loving it.

"Yep."

"But why? I'm a horrible subject. Surely you had better ones without me in them."

"Let me think... nope. Not really. All my best are of you."

"Liar."

"Nope. I am being completely honest. You're a beautiful subject Alec, and I wouldn't trade you for another one."

Alec flushed a fierce red, his eyes darting down in embarrassment.

"You're cute when you blush," Magnus said playfully.

"And you're lying again," Alec said, but not with much force. Alec knew he could fight Magnus as much as he wanted about not being as beautiful as Magnus said, but he would always lose.

"Am I? Well then..."

"This is very good work Bane. And you're a great subject Alec."

Magnus froze as that voice echoed through his ears. He had never wanted to hear it again, and he had sworn if he did it wouldn't be good.

Magnus turned to face Sebastian, quickly slipping his arm around Alec's waist, pulling him closer to his side in an act of protection. He met Sebastian's eyes, and they simply glared at each other for a few seconds, neither moving or even seeming to blink. There was an invisible battle occurring between them, their hatred for each other charging the air.

"Verlac," Magnus said as strained acknowledgment. "What the hell do you want?" Magnus fought the urge to snap on Sebastian, but held his ground. This was not the time nor the place for that.

"Bane, you make it sound like I'm here to do something bad. I'm offended." His voice was slick with confidence that made Magnus sick. The guy thought he could do whatever he wanted and get away with it. It was people like Sebastian that Magnus had fought his whole life, people like him who had made Magnus's childhood a living hell. "You know, I just came over here as an act of courtesy. I thought it would be nice to congratulate a fellow artist on their work. The people really seem to like it, you must be proud. But if you don't want to take the compliment, well then don't. That's your choice." Sebastian smiled as if he actually meant a single word he just said. His eyes darted to Alec and Magnus tightened his hold on him. "It was nice seeing you Alec. And I meant it, you make a great subject." And with that he smirked, turning around and leaving them.

"Magnus, you're hurting me."

"The fucking nerve. He actually had the nerve to come over here and compliment me. Well he can shove his compliment up his ass." Magnus shook with anger. The only thing holding him back from going after Sebastian was his hold on Alec.

"Magnus, you're hurting me."

"I'm going to fucking kill him."

"Magnus!"

Magnus stopped, his eyes finally going to Alec. It was then that he realized just how tightly he was holding Alec. He was pretty sure his fingers had left holes in Alec's skin. He hadn't meant to, but seeing Sebastian instantly sent Magnus into defence mode. He promised Alec nothing would happen to him, and so, Magnus was going to make sure nothing happened to him.

Magnus loosened his grip, dropping his arm from around Alec. "I'm sorry Alec."

"It's okay," Alec said, massaging his side with his hand. He looked off in the direction Sebastian had disappeared in but he was gone. Alec let out a deep breath as he looked back at Magnus. "Magnus he just did that to piss us off. He knew it would get a reaction from you. If you do anything you're giving him exactly what he wants." Alec moved his hands to Magnus' shoulders, massaging them softly. "Just relax. We can't let him ruin your night, you hear me?"

Magnus just nodded. He knew Alec was as shaken up as he was at that small interaction but Alec barely showed it. Magnus envied how easily Alec could be calm when he needed to be. When Magnus was feeling a certain way, people knew it; he had no mask to disguise his emotions as Alec was doing now. Alec was the more level headed of the two of them, the better at dealing with situations Magnus couldn't.

"Good." Alec leaned up, kissing Magnus quickly and softly, settling his racing heart. It was so easy to just forget everything, no matter how big, with just a brush of Alec's touch.

"Ew. Seriously you two. Get a room. Some of us here would like to preserve our eyesight."

Magnus looked towards the voice, laughing when he saw William and another man walking up to them. They were holding hands and Magnus couldn't help but smile. So he'd found someone else. Good. William deserved someone. He deserved to be happy.

"Fuck you Will."

"Not today Mag."

They both just smiled at each other and Magnus couldn't help but remember all the times they had together. Before Alec those had been the best years of his life, and he's always be thankful for them, and for Will.

"What are you doing here?"

"Oh well, you know we were just walking and we came upon the gallery, and I thought, 'Hey, let's go look at some art, cause you know we've got nothing better to do on a Saturday night.'"

"Really?"

"Yeah. Fancy seeing you here, huh? What a coincidence!"

"Yeah. What a coincidence."

They both smiled, sharing a small moment between them that neither boyfriend was privy too. Even though things fell apart, there was still something small between them, even if it would never again be big.

"No, I saw the poster around school with your name and I figured I'd come. Thought you might need some moral support if they didn't like it and you fell on your face."

"Oh, so you just assumed I would fall on my face?"

"When do I ever assume otherwise?"

"Never. And another thing you've always been quite constant at is your lack of manners. You've completely failed to introduce us." Magnus turned his gaze to the man next to William. He looked almost the complete opposite of Will. Where Will has dark hair, perfect tan skin, and deep ocean blue eyes, everything about the other boy was white, a startling contrast to Will. His skin seemed almost translucent, the only colour a faint red blush on his cheeks. His hair was white, some strands almost silver in the light. But the most startling was how pale of a grey his eyes were, looking almost completely drained of colour. He was actually quite a sight to see and Magnus could see how William would have been attracted to him. He was beautiful and Magnus' hands instantly itched to draw him. "I'm Magnus, and this is my boyfriend Alec."

"Jem." He bowed his head slightly at them both. He had an accent, English, Magnus guessed. His voice was almost musical, carrying a soft chime to it. It added to his beauty, a beauty that was very rare, and Magnus even doubted he'd be able to quite capture it on paper. There was just something about the boy, something so exotic and unique.

"Hey, I was getting there," said Will in defense.

"It's okay Will. It's a pleasure to meet you both. Your art is beautiful. I've never seen anything quite like it."

"Why thank you. I'm glad you like it."

"Jem's an artist too," said William.

"Really?"

Jem blushed slightly. "Not an artist, a musician. I play violin."

"And he's amazing. The best."

"No, I'm not." Jem blushed even deeper than before.

Magnus watched the exchange between them as Will tried to convince Jem he was the best, and couldn't help but smile. And he couldn't help but look at Alec and remember many of the same conversations. But looking at Will, he was happy. It was nice to see that Will had moved on from him. It was about time and Magnus didn't want Will to spend any more time wishing he had Magnus when he'd never have him again.

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The rest of the night went by smoothly. Sebastian didn't say anything else to either one of them, and was, in fact, pretty non-existent for the rest of the night. Alec was able to go on breathing freely and with Magnus by his side, he was able to relax and not worry. He was able to watch Magnus take command yet again of the room and show everyone the artist Alec knew he was. Will and Jem didn't stay too long, just long enough to say hi, see the work, and compliment Magnus. Alec didn't mind Jem, he actually really liked him and as for Will, he'd figure that out some other time. It wasn't that he hated Will, he just didn't really like him. There was something about him that Alec just didn't like.

The gallery had started to clear out and all that remained was a couple of artists and professors. Alec looked over at Magnus and he was still smiling. Alec was sure his face was going to hurt tomorrow but for now, Alec was smiling with him. Magnus had been given enough praise that night to last most people a lifetime, and he deserved every single word of it. But now Alec really wanted to go home and show Magnus just how proud of him he was.

"Are you ready to go?"

"Someone's in a hurry."

"Not a hurry. I just wanted to get home." And the faster Alec got home, the happier he'd be. He'd had enough of other people for one night. Now all he wanted was to be alone with Magnus.

"You tired?"

"Try another adjective."

"Hungry?"

"Closer. You got the 'h' right."

"Oh." Magnus' eyebrows shot up. "Well, then let's go." He took Alec's hand and started out of the gallery. "Are you still going to tie me up?"

"What? No." Alec looked around to make sure no one heard Magnus, but he was sure no one had since Magnus had whispered it seductively in his ear.

"How about handcuffs?"

"No."

"How about..."

"Mr. Bane."

Alec and Magnus stopped, turning around to face Magnus' professor. Alec suddenly prayed she hadn't heard any of that.

"Can I talk to you for a few minutes?"

"Yeah sure."

"I'll just meet you outside," said Alec.

"Are you sure?

"Yeah, I'll see you in a few." Alec let go of Magnus' hand and turned to leave. He opened the gallery doors, stepping outside. He took a deep breath, letting the crisp Spring air fill his lungs. Personally, he found the gallery to be very stuffy and had been needing a breath of fresh air for hours. He'd also just been needing a breath in general and a minute to stop, think, and relax. He walked down the steps, taking a seat on a bench that sat against the gallery wall further down. The last of the students exited the doors behind him, laughing from the euphoria of the night as they headed back home. Alec watched them as they started down the sidewalk and he could swear he heard Magnus' name just as they turned the corner. Alec doubted they were saying anything bad. Magnus was the star of the night, and there was nothing more to it than that.

Alec looked down at the ground, kicking at a small rock as he took in the beauty of the night. It was a full moon and it shone brighter than all the lights around him. The leaves were a crisp green, just hitting their Spring peak. Birds and squirrels scuttled about around him and he watched, amused, as two squirrels chased themselves around the trunk of a nearby tree. These were the kind of peaceful moments when Alec wished he had Magnus' talent. To be able to just pick up a pencil and paper and capture anything you wanted. It must be an amazing feeling. For Alec, his artistic talent ended at stick people, which made him glad his parents had never wanted an artist child, because they definitely wouldn't have got one in him.

"It's a beautiful night isn't it?"

Alec's blood froze in his veins as his breath caught in his lungs.

"I always loved full moons."

Alec looked up to see a shadow coming slowly towards him. As he neared Alec, the moon caught his face and the black of his eyes reflected nothing; nothing but a deep endless pit. Alec stood up quickly, but he was rooted to the spot, unable to run. That look in Sebastian's eyes, it bred fear within Alec's soul. He suddenly wished he hadn't wanted a breath of fresh air that badly and had instead stayed with Magnus inside. Inside where it was safe. Inside where Sebastian couldn't hurt him. There was no one else around to see them, and despite the moon, Alec stood in the shadow of the gallery. And Magnus was upstairs so he wouldn't hear Alec if he screamed for him. Would anyone hear him?

_No __Alec, __stop __thinking __like __that. _His imagination was getting away on him, running straight to the dark corners where fear thrived. Sebastian wasn't going to do anything. He wasn't. Alec kept telling himself that in his head, trying to force himself to believe it was true. Sebastian was all words, no action. He wouldn't hurt him. But Alec was having a hard time believing that.

"Just go away Sebastian." Alec's voice shook and he fought to gain control of it.

"Well that's not very nice Alec. I just wanted to talk." He kept coming closer, now only a few metres away from Alec.

"About what?"

"About you." Sebastian's voice snaked from his lips, wrapping around Alec and constricting the fear inside of him, holding it there so Alec couldn't let it go.

Sebastian took a few more steps, closing the distance between them. And that was when Alec snapped, turning to move and run for the gallery doors. Sebastian moved too, faster, cutting Alec off. Alec moved to go the other way but stopped when Sebastian slammed him up against the wall. Alec's head hit off the bricks, sending a shot of pain through his body that mixed with the increasing rate of his frantic heart.

Sebastian pushed his body into Alec's, holding him there. His face was only a few inches from Alec's and Alec couldn't even force himself to look away. He found himself staring deep into the dark abyss that was Sebastian's eyes, and he found the fear growing inside of him, taking over every inch of his body. He wanted to scream but his voice caught in his throat. He wanted to run but his legs were stone beneath him. He felt like he was living one of his nightmares. This was what he had always feared. He felt trapped and he could see in Sebastian's eyes what was coming. He had known all along. This had always been Sebastian's plan and now Alec was stuck with nowhere to run and no one to hear him.

He closed his eyes, praying that maybe this was just a dream. Maybe he'd fallen asleep on the bench and now his fears from earlier that night were manifesting in his sleep. Yeah, that was it. This was just a dream.

Just a dream...

"Open your eyes!" Sebastian grabbed him, slamming his body against the wall again. Alec's eyes opened to stars as the pain rushed through him. His head throbbed at the repeated contact with the brick and the world around him seemed to swirl for a minute. "Look at me."

Alec couldn't. His head hung as he tried to gain his bearings. What should he do? Should he scream? No one would hear him. There was no one around. But maybe Magnus would hear him from upstairs. Or maybe he was he was just coming down the stairs and he would be there in a few seconds. It was only supposed to be a few minutes right? Magnus would be there.

Magnus would...

"You fucking fag! Look at me!" Sebastian grabbed his face, his fingers digging into Alec's skin as he forced Alec's head up. Their eyes met and Alec had never felt so cold. All warmth drained through his fingertips, leaving Alec empty and cold, except for the fear that hung on tightly to every inch of his being.

"Did you really think you could keep away from me forever? Did you really think you could just hide behind that disgusting boyfriend of yours?" Sebastian sneered at him, his fingers digging deeper as he kept Alec's gaze with his. Alec didn't even consider closing his eyes again out of fear. He laughed, a dark sinister laugh that froze Alec to the bone. "You're fucking pathetic." Sebastian dropped his hand and Alec's head fell too. But just as Alec got a second of relief all the air was knocked from his lungs as Sebastian's fist connected with his face. Pain whipped through him as he lost his footing and fell to the ground. He threw out his hands to catch himself, twisting his wrist underneath his weight. He fought back the scream of pain that threatened to escape his lips. No, he wouldn't give Sebastian that. Sebastian wanted to hear him scream, wanted to see him in pain, and he was going to try his best not to give him that.

"Fucking fag!" Sebastian kicked Alec in the ribs, flipping him over onto his back as all the air escaped his bloody lips. Tears threatened to fall but Alec fought them back. No. He wasn't going to be weak. He wasn't going to give Sebastian the satisfaction. But Alec shut his eyes again and prayed to the God that he didn't believe in that this was just a dream. He just wanted to wake up and find himself in those familiar canary yellow blankets, Magnus' arms wrapped him, holding him tight. There he was safe, away from the pain and those dark dark eyes. But as he closed his eyes, the darkness reminded him of those eyes. The darkness was those eyes. There was no escape. No escape but Magnus' arms, and those were far from Alec's reach.

"Magnus..." Alec started, wanting to call out for him, but his voice was rough and broken in his throat.

"Shut up." Sebastian's foot connected with Alec's throat, pushing against Alec's windpipe, forcing the air from his lungs. Alec struggled for breath as Sebastian leaned in closer to him, his weight pushing even harder on Alec's throat. Alec grasped at Sebastian's foot with his hands, trying to pull him off.

"Stop...," he struggled, the word coming out rough and quiet.

"I'm sorry, I didn't hear you. Speak louder princess." He pushed harder, his shoe cutting into Alec's skin.

"Stop..." Even Alec could barely hear it. It sounded weak to his ears and completely drowned out by the sound of his racing heart. Magnus, he called out, screaming in his head for him. Where was he? He was only supposed to be a few minutes.

"I'll stop when I feel like it." He straightened, taking his foot off of Alec's throat.

Alec coughed, curling over onto his side as he tried to breathe through the pain. Air came in piercing intervals, scraping like nails down his injured windpipe. Alec was seeing stars as his body screamed for release from the pain, from the fear. He just wanted it to be over. Couldn't it just be over? Couldn't he just wake up now? And Magnus...

Alec let out a cry of pain as yet again Sebastian's foot made contact with his ribs. Alec curled in on himself, trying to push the pain away.

"I wonder, where's your boyfriend now, huh?" He kicked again and this time the sound of Alec's cracking rib resonated in the darkness. Alec bit back a cry, forcing more blood to rush into his mouth. He spit out the blood as he took in staggered breaths, fighting for air that never seemed to come. "Not here to protect you is he? How pathetic."

Alec placed his hands underneath him, trying to force himself to stand. He had to get up. He had to get to away, to Magnus. Sebastian kicked him again and Alec collapsed, his body giving out beneath him. "Please stop." But he knew his words were lost to Sebastian, heard only by the ground beneath his beaten body.

"I wonder what he'll think when he finds you. Probably break his pathetic heart. Poor Magnus, couldn't protect his little boyfriend. He should know that threats mean nothing to me. Especially from fucking queers like you." He kicked Alec again, this time harder than he had before, channeling all his anger into his strength. Alec finally let the cry past his lips as the pain tore straight through his body. He heard Sebastian laugh behind him and Alec hated himself for giving him that satisfaction. "Get up."

Alec looked up at Sebastian above him, his figure illuminated by the moon. He tried to stand. He had to. He had to run, or try to, and that meant he had to stand up. The door was right there; just a few metres away and he'd be safe. But as he tried to stand, his bruised and broken ribs protested, forcing Alec back down. No, he had to stand. He had to get away. He tried again, but yet again he failed. Sebastian laughed again as he watched Alec struggle and it fueled Alec to try even harder to stand. He placed his hands against the ground, biting back the pain in his wrist and body as he tried to get back up. But he was forced back down, Sebastian's foot connecting with his back and knocking him down. His already sprained wrist twisted again as his body fell on it and it slipped out beneath him.

All of Alec's strength left him as he closed his eyes. He conjured up an image of Magnus, using him to push back the image of Sebastian that was burning in his sight. Magnus. "Magnus." It slipped past his lips as a whisper, barely even heard by him, let alone Magnus who probably just thought Alec was outside on the bench reading some book on his phone as he waited. A few minutes had already passed and still Magnus wasn't here. He was supposed to be here. Alec finally let a tear slip past his eyes as he tried to hold onto the image of Magnus. He seemed so far away now, so out of Alec's grasp as everything seemed to slip away from him. All Alec could feel was the pain, and all he could see, ingrained in his brain, was Sebastian's face, hating him, judging him, hurting him.

Sebastian's foot connected with his side, rather lighter than before, turning Alec over to face him again. Alec didn't want to look at him. He didn't want to see him. He wanted this nightmare to be over. They always ended before they got this bad, so why wasn't this one?

Alec finally forced himself to look up at Sebastian and he knew from that moment that no matter how hard he tried, he would never forget that face. He would never forget those eyes, even when he closed his own.

"Magnus..."

"Isn't coming. Feels terrible doesn't it? Knowing he's not here to save you?" Sebastian leaned down to Alec, his face a few inches away. "Well no one's here to save you Alec. And no one will ever save you. You're an abomination and you are damned. You are a pathetic excuse for a man and I hope you rot in hell like you deserve." Sebastian stood up, his eyes trailing over Alec in disgust. He went to speak when voices echoed from further away that were slowly getting closer.

Alec's heart leaped with hope and he forced his lips to form words. He needed to call for help. They could save him. They could end the pain.

As they drew closer, Sebastian turned back to Alec, placing his foot once again against Alec's throat, cutting off any chance he had of calling for help. Alec tried to fight against Sebastian but all his strength was gone. He had nothing to fight back with. No words, no fists, nothing. He was helpless and he could see no light at the end of this tunnel. He just saw darkness. A cold, inescapable darkness.

The two girls laughed happily as they walked past. They barely even looked their way, too engrossed in the topic of this week's new heartthrob to pay any attention to their surroundings. Alec screamed silently at them, praying for them to look his way and happen to see more than just a man standing in the shadows. _Please,_he begged, _look__over__here.__See__me...__help__me._

But they disappeared, lost out of sight and lost to Alec. Any hope that he had had at the beginning was gone. No one was going to save him now. It was just him, Sebastian, and the pain that was slowly tearing him apart. It hurt to breathe, his fractured ribs squeezing his lungs and his bruised windpipe screaming in defiance at each breath he took.

Sebastian looked back down at him, a dark smile crossing his face. "Well, that was close, wasn't it? Guess that means I should be going. Magnus should be here any time now. We'll have to continue this later. I'll see you around Alec." His smile grew bigger as he took his foot off Alec's throat. He turned to leave and Alec closed his eyes in relief as a small glimmer of hope lit at the end of the tunnel. Magnus. He would be coming. It would all be okay.

But then it all went black as Sebastian's foot connected with his face, sending Alec into unconsciousness.

* * *

"Thanks Professor. I'll see you tomorrow." And with that, Magnus turned and left. So the conversation had run far longer than a few minutes but Magnus was sure Alec was fine. He normally just took out his phone and started reading whenever Magnus took too long doing something. So he was sure Alec was fine. He would just make sure he made up for tonight.

Magnus smiled at the thought as he descended the steps happily, wanting nothing more than to be at the apartment, alone at last with Alec. Magnus hummed softly to himself in excitement as he cleared the gallery lobby. He flung open the gallery doors into the Spring air, taking a deep breath. Alec was right, tonight was a good night. It had been perfect, everything Magnus could have asked for. And it was going to get even better.

But where was Alec?

Magnus had expected to see Alec standing right there waiting or something but Magnus couldn't see him anywhere. His heart started to beat faster. Where was he?

"Alec?" He waited a few seconds for a response, but he got nothing. "Alec? Where are you?" Again nothing. "Baby, this isn't funny. If you're hiding and plan on jumping out at me, I swear I'm going to kill you." Still nothing. His heart beat even faster as fear gripped him. Why wasn't he answering? Seriously, if this was some joke, Magnus was not laughing.

He took the steps to the ground, looking frantically around him. And then he saw a dark shape further away, hidden in the shadows. Magnus started towards it quickly, his heart hammering in his chest. _Don__'__t__let__it__be__Alec.__Please__God,__don__'__t__let__it__be__Alec._

As he neared, the moon cast it's light on the shadows, flushing away the darkness. And there, laying on the ground, was Alec.

Magnus' heart stopped in his chest, his breath freezing in his lungs. He ran over to Alec, the worst of fears already tearing him apart. No. No. This wasn't happening. Not to Alec. No.

He knelt next to Alec, taking in what he saw. His whole face was bloody except for a single streak where a tear had fallen. His chest rose very little, but it was enough to give Magnus hope as his own tears fell from his face.

"Alec..." He placed his hand on Alec's face, pushing a bloody mat of hair away from his eyes. "Alec, can you hear me? Wake up baby. Come on." More tears fell, landing on Alec's skin. Magnus could feel his whole being shattering within him. He should have been here. He should have been a few minutes just like he promised. He should have never have let Alec come outside. He promised. He promised nothing would happen to him.

"Alec, it's going to be okay, you hear me? You're going to be alright, I promise."

But was it really?

Was it really going to be alright?

* * *

Okay, so I cried my eyes our writing this, and not just for Alec but for everyone else this has ever happened to. For anyone else who has been bullied for just being who they are. Things like this should't happen; shouldn't even exist. But unfortunately we live in an ignorant society that doesn't understand acceptance and loving people, no matter who they are. So all we can do is try to push and teach that acceptance and hope that one day it can get better and things like this never happen to people like Alec or Magnus.

Now I hope it was okay. This was extremely hard to write and I hope I expressed it right. Please let me know what you think. I was extremely nervous posting this, so I really do hope it's okay. Thank you again for reading and sticking with me through all of this. I love all of you.

Be the change,

Amber


	34. Unsilent

Chapter 34

Unsilent

* * *

Songs:

Porcelein-Marianas Trench

* * *

"_It's going to be okay baby."_

_..._

_Sirens._

_..._

"_Just hold on. They're coming."_

_..._

"_Is he going to be alright?"_

_..._

"_Please. Is he going to be alright?"_

_..._

"Magnus. Hey, Magnus."

Magnus looked up as Isabelle sat down beside him. She had a muffin and coffee in her hands and she held them both out to him.

"I'm fine, thank you."

"Magnus you need to eat."

"I said I'm fine," he snapped, looking back down at the floor.

Isabelle just sighed, placing the food on the table in front of them. She sat back in the chair, placing a hand on Magnus' shoulder as comfort. Magnus went to pull away but instead remained still, too tired to move, too tired to speak, too tired to keep breathing.

He was numb.

So numb.

He could barely feel Isabelle's hand against his skin, could barely even sense her next to him. All he could think about was Alec.

Alec.

His love.

He should have been there. He should never have left him alone, not with... not with Sebastian around. He promised he would never let anything happen to Alec.

He promised.

And he had broken his promise. He had let Alec get hurt. He had put himself, and his art, and talking to his professor, before Alec's safety. He should have known. He knew people like Sebastian. They thrived off torturing others and he was just waiting to get Alec alone.

He was just waiting to hurt him when no one was there to protect him.

Magnus rubbed his hands together frantically, his eyes never leaving them.

Blood.

So much blood.

Alec's blood.

He couldn't get rid of it. It was all he could see, all he could feel. It was becoming a part of him, fusing with his skin and his soul, and taking it over. The pain flooded through his own veins, breaking apart his body. Every wall, every happy moment, everything he cherished, broke apart and crumbled beneath him. There had only been one other time in his life that he had felt this broken, this completely helpless, and that was when his mother had died. And so, their blood mixed. His mother's mixed with Alec's as Magnus rubbed frantically, trying to get rid of it all.

He rubbed as he fought back the tears that came with the pain. His make-up was already smeared from the hundreds of tears he'd shed earlier, and he hadn't the strength to clean up. But where his eyes didn't shed tears, his heart did. It cried as the events of that night played over and over in his head. It cried for Alec, for his pain, for the fact Magnus wasn't there to protect him.

He should have been there.

He started rubbing faster.

He should have been there.

Faster.

He should have...

"Magnus!" Isabelle placed a hand on Magnus', stopping him. "Stop it!"

Magnus did, and at the same time, his body lost all strength. He just sat there, still, as he tried to find a footing in the world that was falling apart.

"He's going to be okay."

Magnus didn't react, still sitting there, his eyes focused on his bleeding hands.

"Magnus, he's going to be okay. He'll be fine."

"I should have been there." Magnus looked up at Isabelle, meeting her eyes. They were red and puffy from crying, and the normally vibrant dark colour was now dull and filled with sadness. But still she carried herself as if her tears were from stubbing her toe. But he could see the pain in her eyes, could see deep down into her soul where she was fighting to control that pain. Magnus envied her strength, her ability to appear strong and together when everyone was falling apart. It was something she shared with her brother. They were both so strong, even when they didn't need to be.

"Magnus, you couldn't have done anything. You didn't know."

"No! I should have been there. I should have protected him." Magnus pulled away from Isabelle's hand, standing up abruptly. He kept his back to Isabelle as his body shook and he tried to gain control of the crumbling pieces of his heart.

Isabelle stood up, but stopped when Jace and Max came into the room.

"Hospital food is disgusting. There wasn't a single thing worth eating down there." Jace sat down on a chair across the room as Max crossed over to sit in the chair next to the one Magnus was sitting in. He opened up a comic book and started reading.

"So, are Mom and Dad still going over the paperwork?"

"Yeah." Isabelle sat back down. "And we still haven't heard anything about Alec."

Magnus' heart cried out at the sound of Alec's name. It was killing him not knowing how Alec was doing. Every time they asked a doctor or nurse, they knew nothing. All they knew was that Alec was still in surgery. Isabelle could tell him Alec would be okay as much as she wanted, but she hadn't seen him. Magnus had, and he would never forget the way he looked. He was broken, bruised, and bloody, hardly recognizable underneath it all. He was breathing so lightly, Magnus could barely even tell. Magnus had thought he lost Alec, that this was going to be the second time someone he loved died because he couldn't protect them. Isabelle could tell him Alec would be okay all she wanted, but she just didn't know. She didn't know what Magnus was going through, what he'd _gone_ through. She didn't understand the pain. She had never lost someone before, so she could sit there in pain because her brother was, but not hurt as much because she knew he'd pull through. Magnus didn't have that luxury. Magnus had spent his life abused and hated for what he was, and the one thing he vowed to never let happen to Alec, was that. He was going to make sure Alec never felt that pain. But he had failed. He had failed Alec.

"Well, I'm sure he'll be okay," Jace said as Maryse and Robert walked into the waiting room. Maryse's eyes went straight to Magnus and he could feel them piercing through him. She was blaming him for her son's condition, he knew it. And he didn't blame her. She had every right to blame him. It was his fault after all. If he had been there, nothing would have happened to Alec. Sebastian would have gone on his way and he and Alec would have been at home right now making love in each other's arms. They would have been falling asleep with dreams of each other instead of dreams of darkness and blood.

"Is Alec okay?" Isabelle asked hopefully.

Maryse didn't answer, instead walking to the corner, taking a seat on the couch.

"The doctor said he's fine. He just got out of surgery and they're getting him to a room now. They said to give him a little bit until he wakes up and then we can go see him."

Isabelle smiled and Magnus could see her body loosen up as she let out a deep breath of air. Robert went to join his wife, taking her hand in his. They both remained silent, the events of the night falling heavily on them all.

Magnus felt his heart lift a bit, but just as it did, it fell back down again. Alec was okay. But where all the people around him were relieved and happy that Alec was okay, Magnus knew the real truth. Physically Alec was okay, but mentally, and emotionally, he would never be the same. Magnus knew what things like this did to you, what it made you feel and how it destroyed you on the inside. He knew how Alec would feel when he woke up, and he knew that things weren't going to be the same. You didn't come out of something like this okay. No one did. Magnus knew Alec was strong, but no one was strong enough to fight the pain of something like this.

Magnus looked around him at Alec's family. He felt like a stranger, like he shouldn't be there. He could see Maryse passing glances at him, sending daggers into his soul. He knew she blamed him as much as he blamed himself. He also knew that neither of them would ever stop blaming him for what had happened. Ever.

"It's like Alec."

Magnus looked down at Max who had spoken up for the first time that night. His words were quiet, only loud enough for Magnus to really hear them.

"What do you mean Max?"

"Robin. He's like Alec." Max pointed at his comic book. "Robin had gone into an attack early and so Batman wasn't there yet. But he was caught in a surprise attack and they hurt him. By the time Batman got there, the attackers were gone and Robin was dying. But Batman found him just in time and took him home and saved him. Robin's fine now. He's okay." Max smiled, looking up at Magnus. "And you're like Batman."

"No. You've got me wrong. I'm nothing like Batman."

"But you saved Alec. Like Batman saved Robin."

"Max, the doctors saved Alec."

"No. You did." He smiled bigger before turning his head back to his comic book.

Magnus wanted to believe him, he did, but it wasn't that easy.

* * *

Magnus walked back to the waiting room, his third coffee in his hands since Isabelle had given him the first one. He was using it as a distraction, as something to do with his hands other then look at them. He needed a distraction from Alec, but unfortunately coffee was a very bad, pathetic distraction that was doing nothing for him but increase his focus on Alec instead of decreasing it. He just couldn't stop playing those minutes in his head. He couldn't stop remembering that moment when he saw Alec laying there, helpless, bleeding, and barely breathing. He'd never been so afraid as in that moment. He feared the worst. He feared that it was all over.

Magnus kept walking, barely paying attention to his surroundings, and not even noticing as he passed the hallway his father had been down not too long ago. His mind was on Alec, and nothing else. But he did stop when he saw Maryse coming his way. He needed to talk to her. Ever since the Lightwoods had shown up, he'd barely said a word to Robert and nothing to Maryse.

Magnus walked up to Maryse, stopping in front of her. He could see from her face and body language that she wasn't too pleased.

"Mrs. Lightwood, could we please talk?

"I'm a little busy right now Magnus. Later."

"Please. I won't be long."

A few seconds passed as Maryse seemed to consider it. "Fine."

"Okay, I'm sorry. I know you look at me and you blame me for what happened to Alec. And you have every right to. I should have been there to protect him. I shouldn't have let him go out alone with Sebastian being around. I want you to know that I will forever hate myself for leaving him alone, and you can blame me and hate me as much as you want, but it will never be as much as I hate myself. I promised Alec I would protect him, and I tried, I did, but when he needed me the most, I failed." Magnus took a deep breath, trying to hold on to his strength. "I know you've never liked me. You don't need to say it, but I know. And I wish it didn't have to be that way, but it is. I know now that there's no chance you'll ever like me, especially since you blame me for what happened to Alec. But I want you to know that I love your son. I owe my life to him and he means everything to me. I never meant for him to get hurt, but when you're like us, sometimes... sometimes it happens. But we try our best, and we fight, and we push against all the hate in this world and try to survive. But sometimes, it's just too much and you can't run or fight, and things like this happen. It's not fair, it's not right, and Alec didn't deserve any of it. I would take it all away from him in a heartbeat if I could. I've spent every minute since it happened wishing that it had been me; that Sebastian had chosen me to hate, not Alec. I know what it feels like. I can handle it. I've spent my whole life being hated for who I am, and I bare those scars every day. Alec has tried to carry them with me, but I won't let him. They're mine and I promised myself that Alec would never have his own. But he does now, and I promise that I will help him carry them. I promise that, whether you believe me or not. I know what he's going to go through when he wakes up. I've gone through it my whole life, and I'm going to help him through it, just as he has helped me. I will never leave his side again, and I will die trying if that means making sure no one ever hurts him again. I love him Mrs. Lightwood, and I will never stop loving him." Magnus stopped, forcing back the tears that threatened to escape.

"Is that all?"

"Yes."

"Good." Maryse said nothing else, looking away from Magnus as she walked away, leaving Magnus alone in the hallway. He wiped quickly at the single tear that escaped his eye. He didn't want to cry. Not now. But he had said what he needed to say, what she needed to hear. That was how it was and she could take it or leave it. Really, as much as he was trying to convince her of those words, he was trying even harder to convince himself of them too. Could he really promise something that he had promised before, and yet broken? He wanted to believe he could, that when Alec woke up they could go back to their world and Magnus would protect him from people like Sebastian. But could he? Could he look Alec in the eye and promise him again?

Magnus broke away from his thoughts as his phone vibrated in his pocket. He took it out, seeing a message from Isabelle. They said they could see Alec now. Magnus' heart flew. He was awake. He was okay.

For now.

But still, he was awake and he was alive, and Magnus knew he was lucky enough to have that. Sebastian could have gone further, he could have taken Alec past any possible repair. But he hadn't, and so Magnus still had Alec and soon he'd be able to hold him like he'd been wanting to do for so many hours.

Magnus started back to the other end of the hospital where Alec's room was. He hadn't even realized that he was practically running until he nearly knocked a nurse over turning the corner. But he needed to get to Alec now. He needed to see him, to hold him, to hear his voice. Magnus turned another corner, stopping outside of Alec's room. Jace, Isabelle, and Max all stood outside the closed door, their faces somewhat happier than an hour before. It wasn't easy on any of them knowing their brother had been attacked.

Magnus walked up to Isabelle.

"He's only allowed two people in at a time. Mom and Dad are in there now. You can go in next."

"Thanks."

Magnus smiled softly at her as he walked over to the window into the room. He prepared himself to look through it, to see Alec , but he wasn't ready for what he did see. Alec looked broken. His face was bruised, one eye swollen shut. Magnus also knew he had two broken ribs and two fractures, a sprained wrist, and a mild head injury. His skin was pale, almost translucent, and the smile on his face seemed like it was causing him pain. He had tubes running from his arms, connecting him to machines that made sure he was still breathing. Magnus caught hold of the beeping of the monitor, letting it reassure him that Alec's heart was still beating, that he was still alive.

Magnus continued to look Alec over when Alec turned his face and their eyes met through the glass. His heart shattered as he saw the pain in those deep beautiful baby blues. It was the same pain Magnus saw when he looked in the mirror every morning. It was the pain that he never wanted to see in Alec's eyes. Those eyes, once so blue, so vibrant, were now dull, void of their innocence and life. They weren't Alec anymore, and that tore Magnus apart. As he met those broken eyes that he had first fallen in love with, Magnus was nearly brought to his knees in pain. He placed a hand out against the edge of the window to try and keep himself standing. Alec didn't look away and Magnus was too weak, too broken, to look away too. He'd never seen Alec in such pain. He'd dreamt it, seen Alec take his mother's place multiple nights, and watched as Alec died and Magnus couldn't save him. He watched as the one person who kept his heart beating, passed beneath his bloody hands. And now he was living that nightmare. Hours earlier, when he'd found Alec on the ground, he'd never felt so scared, so desperate, for it to actually be a dream. He really did think he'd lost Alec. And multiple times since then he'd thought it was his fault, that by loving him and being part of his life, he had put him in danger. He'd only loved one other, and she had died, so it would only seem right that Magnus would lose the only other person he'd ever loved.

But looking at Alec, right here, he saw that Alec wasn't dead. Alec was alive and breathing. He was still there and Magnus would be able to hold him and tell him he loved him again. He wanted to hold him and take all the pain, all the scars away from Alec and bear them himself. Alec didn't deserve this. He had never done anything wrong in his life, had never hurt anyone. It should have been Magnus, not Alec. It should have been him in that hospital bed, playing through the pain, pretending he was okay. It should have been him living a nightmare.

It should have been him.

Magnus turned away from the glass, not able to look at Alec any longer. He had to leave. He couldn't be here any longer.

He pushed past the Lightwood siblings, heading for the closest exit. He couldn't breathe, his lungs constricting in pain. With each passing step he fought to remain upright, the whole world spinning as strength drained from him. He felt sick as all the events of the night hit him full force. He just wanted to scream and let the tears fall. He wanted to feel them as they scorched their familiar trail down his skin, burning the pain into him.

Magnus threw the door to the roof open, gasping for air as he stumbled outside. He fought to gain his bearings, to find his way in the world. One minute he had been fine and now nothing made sense. It was all too much for him to handle. Magnus acted like he had it all together to the world, but both he and Alec knew that underneath it all, he was falling apart and fighting to keep all the pieces together. And now, all his fighting failed as all the pieces came crumbling down. All his fears were coming true and memories were hitting him full force.

He made his way to the edge of the roof, looking down at the city beneath him. The city seemed to swim, the lights blending in with each other. He closed his eyes, trying to clear his mind, but that didn't work. Beneath his lids he saw his mother on the floor, bleeding, dying. And then her face changed, and he saw Alec, lying there as she had. All the emotions from his mother's death came crashing back, mixing with everything he felt for Alec. It was a cocktail of pain, everything tearing him apart inch by inch.

This was why he swore he'd never fall in love again. He had lost the last person he loved and had hated himself every day since for not doing something to try and protect her. He didn't want to go through that again, and he figured if he never loved again, he never would. But then he met Alec and everything he'd planned, everything he promised himself, fell away. He fell in love for the first time since his mother, and he fell hard. Alec was perfect. He completed Magnus and for the second time in his life, he felt like he had found someone who loved him, scars and all. Alec never judged him, never asked for more than he could give, and was always there, even if Magnus didn't deserve it. Alec was the best damn thing he had ever had in his life and the only reason he got up in the morning. Alec was everything he had and everything he would ever want.

And he had almost lost him.

If he had been any later and Sebastian had hung around, who knows what Sebastian would have done. Now, no one had told him it was Sebastian as Alec hadn't been awake till now to explain what happened, but Magnus knew. He just knew it was him. He also knew he was going to kill Sebastian the minute he had the chance. He wasn't going to get away with this. He deserved to suffer and Magnus was going to make sure of that.

Magnus opened his eyes to the ground below him. He watched as cars flew past, casting their lights on the black ground beneath them. Magnus' eyes moved to the ground, his vision focusing and blurring as he tried to sort through the pain and the pieces. His hand gripped at the edge of the roof, the jagged brick digging into his skin. But he didn't think about it, the pain nothing compared to what was bleeding within him. He looked from the brick beneath his hand, to the road below him. He could do it. He could do it and it would all be over. Alec could move on. He could find someone who could protect him, someone who wasn't so emotionally shattered that he couldn't see above the pieces. He could find someone who deserved him, someone who would give him the world without him asking. He deserved to be held by unscarred arms, to have dreams and not nightmares, and to be loved by a heart that knew how. He deserved someone who wasn't Magnus.

And if he just did it, Alec could have that. He could go back to Idris and find a nice shy English major who read Shakespeare more than the back of his eyelids. He could go back and be happy, like he deserved. He wouldn't have Magnus and his baggage pulling him down, and he wouldn't be hurt anymore. He'd have someone who was able to protect him like Magnus wanted to, and love him like Magnus did. Magnus never thought he'd ever fall in love again, but from that moment when he'd laid eyes on Alec saying goodbye to his parents, he'd started falling hard. In Alec he saw a new life, everything he'd ever dreamed about. And he had found that in Alec. He had found himself again, and for once in his life, he was enjoying life. Of course, it all felt like a dream and too good to be true, but he hadn't woken up yet, so he was cherishing every moment while he had it. But this moment, this wasn't supposed to be part of the dream. This wasn't supposed to happen. Alec wasn't supposed to be hurt. Magnus wasn't supposed to hurt him. He was supposed to protect him. But who was he kidding? He felt like he was twelve years old again, standing alone in his kitchen with his mother's blood on his hands. He felt helpless and useless again. He felt all the hatred of himself for not being able to protect the ones he loved. He hated himself again, just like he had for years before meeting Alec. He hated himself for being a pathetic excuse for a man, a son, and a lover. Why was Alec such a fool to love him? What was there really worth loving? A broken empty walking corpse? He had told Alec he was broken from the beginning, that there was no chance of saving him again, but Alec had insisted he could fix him. Only Alec would believe something like that. He was so pure, so innocent, so _perfect_. He believed in everything the rest of the world denied. He believed in Magnus. And he was so, so wrong.

Magnus kept his gaze on the road below him, standing there on the roof as his mind pushed him forward, but his body stayed in place. He could do it. It would just take a few steps. And Alec, well they both knew he was really better without him. Magnus willed his body to move.

"Hey."

Magnus flinched as Isabelle placed a hand on his shoulder, stopping him. He looked back to meet her gaze. "Mom and Dad are done. Jace and Max went in. But he was asking for you."

"He doesn't want to see me." Magnus looked back over the city, wishing she was gone.

"Magnus, of course he does."

"Don't lie to me Isabelle. I'm not in the mood for that." Magnus shrugged off Isabelle's hand, turning his back to her.

"Alright, I came up here to be nice, but clearly you just want to be a dick, so I can play that game too. You're not the only one hurting here Magnus. When you called me, I thought I'd lost my brother. And Max, he cried the whole ride here. He didn't really understand everything, but he knew something was wrong. And Jace, he pretends to not care, but he loves Alec just as much as we do. So you need to stop snapping at me for trying to make you feel better. You need to stop thinking that no one else here is in pain. We all love Alec, and it kills us all to see him in pain. You're not the only one Magnus."

"Yeah, I know," Magnus said sharply.

"Then what the fuck is your problem? Alec wakes and suddenly you bolt."

"I had to get away."

_He's better without me._

"Get away? He's awake Magnus. We've spent the last eight hours waiting to see if he's okay, and now that we know he'll be alright, you run? Magnus, I know that the only person he really wants to see is you."

"No, he doesn't."

_He's better without me._

"Why do you keep saying that? He asked for you. You didn't see his face when I told him you weren't there. I've never seen so much pain in my brother's eyes before. He wanted you Magnus. He needs you."

"He also needed me to protect him!" Magnus snapped, turning around to face Isabelle. He was fighting the tears with every second, with every word Isabelle spoke. Alec needed him. But he couldn't go. He just couldn't bring himself to face Alec.

_He's better without me._

"Is that what this is all about?"

"I should have been there Isabelle. I promised to protect him, and when he needed me the most, I wasn't there. I failed him Isabelle. I failed him when I was supposed to save him. So how am I supposed to go back in there and face him, knowing it's my fault he's there?"

"Magnus, you are such an idiot. This wasn't your fault. This wasn't anyone's fault but Sebastian's. But really, do you think you're the only one who blames themselves for this? I keep thinking that if I had only stayed a few days longer, I would have been at that art show and gone out with him while you stayed inside. I would have protected him. I keep thinking that if I had killed Sebastian like I wanted to in the first place, Alec wouldn't be in that room right now. But you know what Magnus, I couldn't be there. I couldn't, Jace couldn't, Max couldn't, my parents couldn't, _you_couldn't be there. No one could have predicted any of this to happen. So if we stand here blaming ourselves, we are doing nothing to help Alec right now when he needs us. You can't change the past Magnus. What happened, happened, and we can all just be grateful that Alec is in there, alive, and well. If it had been worse, he wouldn't be here right now. But he is, and he's in there waiting for you. He just got attacked for who he is and now he's awake, knowing he's okay, and the only thing he wants is you." Isabelle's eyes flared with anger and pain as she fought back tears.

"No. He thinks he wants me. But he's better without me." Those words cut through Magnus as he spoke them out loud. But he was right. Alec was better without him. Alec wouldn't be hurt so long as Magnus was gone, and he could go on living the life he deserved with someone who deserved him. Magnus was too broken, too scared, for someone as perfect as Alec. Magnus was like a demon, born of and living in darkness, while Alec was an angel; a beautiful, pure angel that had come down to hell and raised Magnus from its depths. He had placed Magnus on firm ground and helped him open his eyes to the morning sun. He had touched his heart and rebuilt it piece by piece, and then he had grabbed onto his soul, held it tight, and pushed the darkness out of it. His angel had saved him, and when his angel had fallen, Magnus had failed to repair his wings.

"Better without you? Magnus, are you insane? He doesn't care that Mom and Dad are here, or Jace and Max, or me. He cares that you're here. He needs you Magnus. And what are you doing? Standing on a roof blaming yourself for something you couldn't control. Do you hear me? You couldn't control it. You promised to protect him, and you have as much as you could. But you know you can't always be there. As much as you want to, you can't. And if you keep standing there blaming yourself you're going to cause you and Alec more pain then you already have. So go in there Magnus and go see my brother. Hug him, hold him, kiss him, tell him you love him and it's all going to be okay. Give him what he so desperately wants right now. He needs you Magnus. Not me. Not Jace. Not any of us. He needs _you_. So go to him. Please." Tears were streaming down her face as the final words choked past her lips. Her eyes were pleading at Magnus, and Magnus saw the pain in them.

Magnus too let the tears fall, finally letting them out, the pain rolling down his skin. He felt Isabelle's arms around him, and he let himself fall into her touch, wrapping his arms around her. He pulled her close as she buried her head in his shoulder, tears soaking his shirt. Silent seconds passed between them as they both finally let themselves go. They gave in, finally allowing themselves to feel what they'd been denying. Isabelle's touch eased Magnus' racing heart and he knew that she was right, and as always, he was wrong. He had to go see Alec. Alec wanted him and Magnus knew he couldn't deny him that. He couldn't run from Alec when he needed him. As much as Magnus wanted to pull away, he couldn't. He wasn't fooling anyone in trying, and most of all, he wasn't fooling his heart. His heart was beating in pain, yearning to see Alec's face again, to hear his voice. Magnus needed to hold him again, to assure himself that Alec was okay.

He needed Alec.

* * *

So, Alec is okay. Well, physically he's okay, but otherwise he's not. But as long as he has Magnus, things are okay, right? Anyway, this is slowly coming to an end. There's only about five more chapters left. But, thanks so much for reading, reviewing, and for just being amazing. I love you all. See you all next time.

Be the change,  
Amber


	35. Unwritten

Chapter 35

Unwritten

Hi everyone! I'm back! I know it's been awhile, and my beta and I apologize greatly for that. Everything just got extremely busy and I had no time to write and she had no time to read. It was the holidays and then I was put on writing rest for three weeks. Doctor's orders. I'm developing tendonitis in my wrists so no more ten hour writing days everyday for me. It killed me not writing, but my wrists are feeling better now so I'm doing more writing. So, this chapter is short, which attributes to what I've stated above. I really wanted to put out a chapter since it's been so long, so forgive me for it being a bit shorter than usual. Anyone, I hope everyone had a great holiday. I want to thank you all for reading this in 2011 and here's to all the writing we all do in 2012. So, enjoy. Thanks for reading.

* * *

Songs:

Look After You-The Fray

* * *

He looked down at his hand posed on the doorknob. He took a deep breath, trying to will his hand to twist the knob and open the door. Why was he so scared? Alec was just on the other side. He could do it. But every time he closed his eyes, all he saw was Alec's face and those blank, hurting eyes. And every time he saw that, he thought about what had happened and how he hadn't stopped it.

_No._

_Don't think like that. _

_Just open the door Magnus._

And so he did. He twisted the small white knob, opening the door into Alec's room. For the first few seconds he couldn't bring himself to look up from the grey tile beneath his feet, but eventually he made himself do it, and sitting there on the bed was Alec, a big smile crossing his face. This smile wasn't forced as Magnus had seen it with Alec's parents, but it was a genuine, happy smile. Magnus couldn't help but smile himself at the sight as his heart soared, knowing Alec was at least okay enough to smile like that. Magnus was beginning to fear he'd never see that smile again, that he'd never see that fevered blush or iridescent blue ever again. He had feared that he would never see Alec again, but here he was, just a few steps away. Just a few steps, and yet Magnus couldn't get himself to move.

They just smiled at each other, but as Magnus looked Alec over, his smile started to falter. The smile might be beautiful and put together, but the rest of Alec looked broken. The extent of what Sebastian had done to Alec hit Magnus full force. He had beaten Alec bloody until he couldn't stand anymore, simultaneously bruising his skin and shattering his soul. Magnus knew what was going through Alec's head right now. He knew the pain, emotionally and physically. He was just grateful that at least Alec was on medication to dull the pain, making the whole thing at least easier, if that was even possible. Magnus understood the demons that were now festering inside Alec's heart and eating away at every thought. He understood the pain that caused Alec to fear blinking, the pain that made him want to sleep forever. He understood, but he hated that he did. He shouldn't have to understand, because Alec shouldn't have to know.

Alec was the first to break the silence between them.

"Well don't just stand there, come here." His voice was rough, cracking in certain places as the words passed his lips.

Magnus's heart broke as the words hit his ears and the reality of part of what Sebastian had done to Alec hit him. Magnus could see the bruising on Alec's neck, ranging from green-to purple, the spot just below his Adam's apple the darkest. Magnus was surprised Alec was even talking. And hearing him, hearing the pain in Alec's voice as he forced the words to come out, it fired up the anger inside of Magnus that had been fighting to get out. He was going to kill Sebastian for what he had done to Alec. No one hurt the one he loved and got away with it. Magnus had made sure his father was put in jail for the death of his mother and he was going to make sure the same thing happened to Sebastian, if not worse.

Magnus forced his legs to finally move, crossing the hospital room over to Alec. He stopped for a second before sitting down on the bed slowly so as not to jolt Alec and cause him any pain. He was trying to keep his distance so as not to hurt him, but at the same time he was restraining himself from kissing Alec forever. He just wanted to kiss him and hold him and whisper to him that it was going to be okay. He wanted to take all the pain away and pick up the broken pieces as Alec had done for him. He wanted to take away everything, but he couldn't. He couldn't make Alec forget what had happened to him and he knew that even after the bruises had faded and the ribs had healed, Alec's soul would still be broken. Alec would still be haunted by the demons that never went away and he would live the rest of his life with that memory, no matter how many times he closed his eyes to forget.

"I'm..." Magnus started.

"Just kiss me."

And so Magnus did, touching his lips softly to Alec's. Kissing Alec felt like breathing again after a lifetime without air. It felt like life was filling him up again and he held on to that, letting it fuel his heart as it started beating. He didn't push the kiss further, not wanting to hurt Alec. Alec felt so fragile beneath him and Magnus felt one wrong move would break him completely. Magnus knew he had to be careful. Alec was hurting and he needed more than a surgery and some bandages to put him back together again. Magnus's medicine had been Alec, and he only hoped now that he could return that for him.

The kiss continued, slow and soft until Alec placed his good hand on Magnus's neck, pulling him down further as he entwined his fingers in Magnus's hair. This felt like coming home again. Magnus was where he was supposed to be, in Alec's embrace, and all his fears and worries washed away with Alec's soft touch. All he could think about was how much he loved Alec and how much he would continue to love him. He thought about everything Alec was to him, and about his life, and about how he didn't know what he would have done without Alec. Alec was his lifeline and Magnus felt like he was holding on for dear life as he kissed Alec harder, throwing in all the desperation that had built over the last hours. Now that he was holding Alec, he was never letting him go. Nothing was ever going to happen to him again. _Ever_.

"Ow."

Magnus pulled away quickly at Alec's remark.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Where'd I hurt you? Are you okay? I-"

Alec raised a finger to Magnus's lips, cutting him off. "I'm okay. It wasn't your fault. I moved the wrong way." He coughed as the words caught in his throat and Magnus knew Alec must have caught the look of worry on his face, as he continued to say, "I'm okay."

"Alec, you don't have to lie to me. I'm not your parents or your siblings. I don't want you to put on a face for me."

"I'm not. I'm okay, Magnus, really. You're here now, and that's all I need."

'_You're here now.'_

_Now. But I wasn't there when you needed me._

Magnus's gaze faltered. Damn it, he was supposed to be strong. Alec wasn't supposed to see him hurting, not when he had his own feelings to deal with. Magnus was here to help Alec through it all, as no one had helped him when he was younger. He was here to give back to Alec what Alec had given him. He was supposed to help fix him, and if Alec saw that he was broken, he'd stop caring about himself. No, it was Magnus's turn. Despite what had happened and how Magnus felt about it, he could not change it, just as he could not change his own past. And so he was going to make Alec's future something to look forward to, unlike the dark dead days that had plagued Magnus's life. Anything Alec wanted, Magnus would give. It was time the angel needed saving.

"I know what you're thinking Magnus and you need to stop. It wasn't your fault." Alec coughed softly, and any reserve he had shown is his words was lost as his face showed the true pain he was in. Sitting here looking at Alec was tearing Magnus apart. He just wanted to take the needles out, wash the bruises away like paint and bring Alec home. He wanted to lay next to Alec in their bed, his arms wrapped around him as they slept for hours in peace. Peace. That seemed like such a foreign word. Magnus knew when Alec closed his eyes he would not see peace. He knew that when Alec was alone, he would not feel at peace. He knew that from now on, Alec would feel scared, broken, and haunted. He would never truly be at peace again.

"Alec-"

"Don't say it Magnus."

He wanted to. He wanted to say it, to sit there and apologize forever for what had happened to Alec. And if he had had any other childhood, he probably would have. When you're abused and hated for who you are, the last thing you wish is for someone to say they're sorry for what happened to you. The last thing Alec wanted to hear was Magnus apologize and blame himself. Alec didn't need that right now and never would. What Alec really wanted to do was smile and laugh, and try to feel happy again. He didn't want to be reminded of that night-the meds pumping through his system to numb the pain did that on their own-to be reminded of what was before that. Magnus knew that Alec was drowning inside, searching desperately for a lifeline, and that lifeline was Magnus. He needed something to hold on to, to help him navigate the pain and the memories. He needed an anchor and also a life raft. He needed everything Magnus had needed once, but had never had. But Magnus was here for Alec now and he was going to help put the broken pieces together again.

"White's really not your colour," Magnus said, looking down at the hospital gown Alec wore.

Alec laughed, a smile crossing his face that could have lit the darkest of rooms. That was what Alec needed. He needed someone to talk to him not as someone in a hospital bed, but just assomeone. As much as Magnus was broken, he knew the best thing he could do for them both right now was help Alec forget. It would be just like if they were at home, lounging on the couch instead of on a hospital bed. That's where they'd have been now had nothing happened and Magnus had to bring Alec to that place. He needed to bring him away from his thoughts and his fears, to someplace he felt safe.

"Ha. See? I told you you'd get used to my wardrobe."

"I never said I was used to it. I was just saying that when you let me revamp your wardrobe, I'm not buying you light colours. Especially not white."

"You say 'when' as if you know I'll let you."

"That's because I do know. You can't hold out forever baby."

"Forever," Alec whispered, smiling softly to himself.

"Yeah, what about it?" Magnus asked, confused.

"I like the sound of it." Alec appeared to be growing tired, his eyes slipping shut for a couple seconds. The doctor had said it was likely he might not stay alert for too long, but Magnus had been hoping for more time. This wasn't enough. He needed Alec. He needed to hear more of his voice to know he was still with him.

"Yeah I guess so, if you like overused three syllable words."

"That's not what I mean. I like the sound of forever with you." Alec smiled, taking Magnus's right hand in his uninjured one.

Magnus froze, Alec's words shooting straight through his heart. He had to have misheard him. There was no way Alec had just made a proclamation like that. And if he did, it couldn't actually have been him; it must have been the drugs. But yet, Magnus agreed with Alec. He liked the sound of that. Forever with Alec. Magnus couldn't see it any other way. But no, he was getting too far ahead of himself. There were more important things at hand, like healing Alec's broken soul.

"I like it too baby." Magnus smiled, squeezing Alec's hand.

"Come closer. Lay with me."

"Alec I don't think the doctors-"

"Fuck them," Alec said softly, a grin playing across his bruised and tired features.

Magnus just laughed, moving slowly so that his body fell into its place next to Alec. He watched his movements so not to jolt Alec and cause him more pain then he was already in. He laid on his side, propping his head up on one hand so he could look down at Alec. His other hand was still entwined with Alec's, exactly where it was always supposed to be. Alec smiled up at him, his eyes slipping shut again. He opened them slowly, those beautiful blue eyes revealing themselves to Magnus like it was the first time.

"I love you Magnus."

"I love you too Alexander."

And with that, Alec's eyes slid back shut, sleep overtaking him. And for the first time since that night, he did look at peace. His breathing was steady and a small smile played at his lips. Magnus hoped that was because he was having good dreams. He knew how hard it was to close your eyes and sleep and it warmed his heart to know that right now at least, Alec could do that.

Magnus looked down at their entwined hands, seeing that at least some of Alec's skin was not bruised. Magnus started running slow circles over Alec's skin with the pad of his thumb, letting the motion calm him down. He breathed in slowly, taking in Alec; his scent, his skin, the soft curve of his lips. He took everything in, wrapping the arms of his soul around Alec's. He wasn't going to let anything happen to it again. He was never going to let his arms go.

Magnus liked the sound of forever too. He liked the feel of holding Alec to his heart for the rest of eternity. No one had ever made Magnus feel alive like Alec did. No one had ever made him feel like himself, except for Alec. He was whole with Alec, not a broken shadow of a man. Alec was everything-his lifeline, his anchor. There was nothing more in his life he needed, and so when he had found Alec that night, he had felt like he had lost everything. He saw all his fears come to life and it ripped through him harder than any pain he had ever experienced. He could not lose Alec or he would lose himself.

* * *

_Darkness._

_It was all around him, surrounding his whole being. But it wasn't the kind of darkness you see at three in the morning where there are stars and the moon for light, but the kind of darkness where you close your eyes in pitch dark. There's nothing, no moon or stars, no light, _nothing_. There's no hope of opening your eyes to see the light again; there's no hope at all._

_It seemed to claw at him, the darkness growing fingers that licked at his bruised skin. The fingers seemed to grow into beings, beings that called out his name in a sharp whisper. They wanted him, and they pulled him down, dragging him ever deeper into the darkness around him. They pulled at his limbs, ran their cold fingers across his lips and dragged their sharp teeth against his skin. He wanted to scream out but they held onto his throat, holding the sound in. He fought against them but it was no use. The more he fought, the stronger they got. So he stopped. He stopped fighting and he let them have him. He was too tired, too scared and bruised to even try. It hurt too much to try. And there was no point. He couldn't defeat them, and in this deep darkness, there was no one there to save him. He was alone._

* * *

Magnus was jolted awake as an elbow buried into his side. His first reaction was to retaliate as last time he'd ever been awoken in pain had been when his father was in a drunken rage. But as his eyes came into focus, he realized he wasn't back at home in his bed, but in a hospital bed with Alec.

Alec was moving around in his sleep, strangled moans passing his lips. He thrashed about as if he was fighting something off and Magnus moved over to avoid an elbow to the face.

His heart automatically started racing as fear gripped him.

"Alec. Baby. It's okay," he whispered. He went to touch him to calm him down, but the minute his hand touched Alec's skin, the boy thrashed harder, afraid of the touch. That ripped through Magnus's heart. Magnus knew Alec was having a bad dream but he didn't want him to be afraid of him. He wanted to hold Alec and tell him it was going to be okay just as Alec had done all those months before. Magnus knew what Alec saw beneath his closed eyes. It was the darkness where all the demons lived. You couldn't escape, you couldn't fight, and there was no hope, not even the hope of it all disappearing when you opened your eyes. It tore Magnus apart to see Alec like this. Magnus had spent more nights like this then he had in peace and he had never wanted that for Alec. He didn't want that for anybody.

"Help." The word slipped past Alec's lips in a quiet cry, just loud enough to reach Magnus's ears. "Magnus. Help me." The pain in his voice hurt Magnus more than his father's fists, cutting straight through to that place in his heart that he'd cut off from everyone but Alec. He could hear Alec screaming those words that night, holding on to the hope that Magnus would come and save him. It rang in his ears, that cry for help that he had always swore he'd answer, but had failed to do. He'd failed Alec when he'd needed him most. But he was here now, and he hoped that counted for something.

"I'm right here baby." He moved slowly, touching Alec's face softly, praying he wouldn't push him away this time. He didn't. He seemed to calm down a bit and he moved into the touch. "It's okay Alec. I'm here now. I'm not going anywhere." His voice caught in his throat as he fought back the tears that were ever present, threatening to fall.

Alec seemed to smile as Magnus's words echoed through the room. As Alec calmed down, Magnus wrapped his arms around him, holding Alec to his chest. Alec didn't wake but just relaxed into Magnus's chest. Magnus held him tight, not wanting to ever let him go. He was here now and in this silent moment together, he promised he would never ever leave Alec alone where he wasn't safe. He would lay down his life to protect Alec and it would kill him if anything ever happened to him again. Alec would be safe in his arms.

* * *

Forever.

_The darkness began to disappear, giving way to a soft white light. It pushed away the demons that attacked him, their fiery fingers falling away from his skin. For once he was able to breathe in peace._

_Peace._

_That was what this felt like. Complete and utter peace. His heart finally slowed down and his breathing leveled. He felt safe for the first time in what felt like eternity. A part of him feared this wouldn't last but the other part wanted to stay here forever. And well, even if it didn't last, he was going to cherish it while he had it. So he let the light overtake him, sink into his skin and wash away the pain. He let it become him and he was happy. His heart seemed to soar and for once, he wasn't so afraid. _

"_It's okay Alec."_

_Those words pierced through the light, wrapping their warm arms around him. He let them, falling into the feeling and smiling for the first time in a long time._

_Magnus._

_He'd heard him._

_He'd come for him._

_And it was going to be okay._

* * *

So there you go. I hope it was okay. Thank you again for reading. I hate to say this, but the next update might not be for a little while too. I have exams this month so I'm going to be extremely busy. I'll try and maybe update but I can't guarantee anything. Anyway, thank you all for reading. I really love you guys, and thank you for making 2011 on here amazing. Happy New Year!

Be the change,  
Amber


	36. Unfair

Chapter 36

Unfair

I'm back! I'm so sorry it took so long but I literally haven't been able to touch my computer in three weeks I've been so crazy busy with exams. But i'm done now, thankfully. But I won't keep you waiting any longer. Enjoy and thanks for reading.

* * *

Songs:

Won't Go Down Like That-Freddy Hall

* * *

The days slipped by slowly as Alec remained in the hospital. Each day he seemed to show improvement, but even though he was healing physically, he still bled inside. Magnus found it hard to look at him at times, as each time he met those perfect blue eyes, his heart ripped open the stitches he had so carefully put in place. He tried to heal, tried to put himself back together since Alec needed him, but he just couldn't do it. He pretended to be strong on the outside but on the inside, he was fighting to stand up. His old wounds still hurt, but they were numb from the passing years, and they didn't even hold a torch to the wounds he had now. He couldn't distinguish between the ones that were caused by what had happened to Alec and the ones that he had self-inflicted in his hatred of himself for not protecting Alec. They all just bled together, tearing him up inside.

The day finally came when the doctors released Alec. He was still bruised and healing but he looked a lot better than when he had first awoken. But he didn't smile, his eyes didn't light up, and he just kind of sat there, looking off in the distance. He didn't seem to know what to do with the world he was in, lost in a world somewhere in his mind. That moment Magnus and Alec had shared that first night, it didn't happen again. Alec pulled away every time someone was in the room, even Magnus. Sometimes Magnus swore he almost saw fear in Alec's eyes when he entered the room. He would barely even look at him most days, and when he did, his gaze was just empty, almost dead. The person Magnus saw now was not the Alec he knew, but the Alec Sebastian had created.

The police had come the day after Alec awoke to ask him some questions regarding the attack. Alec didn't want to talk much, barely even acknowledging the officers. When they asked who had done it, Alec just froze. His eyes glazed over and he was lost. Magnus answered the questions the best he could from what he knew, which was little. But he told them the name they needed and he made them promise that he would get the punishment he deserved. Magnus actually knew that they got lucky with the officers that showed up. Magnus had heard stories of bashings where the officers could care less about the boy or girl who had been attacked. To them, the victim deserved it and Magnus had feared that was what they'd think about Alec. But they seemed to care; that, or they were just really good actors. Magnus prayed for the former. So now he'd just have to wait. They had to take Sebastian in and they'd need to get Alec to verify it to be him. Then there would be a trial. Magnus knew that Alec was scared, which was why he didn't say anything. But Magnus wasn't going to let the sonofabitch get away with it. Sebastian would get what he deserved, and with any luck, his fellow prisoners would give it to him.

* * *

The taxi stopped outside their apartment. Alec just looked out the window, not moving. He barely even blinked as he watched the people outside walking by. Magnus paid the cabby, telling him to give them a few minutes. Then he turned to Alec who was frozen beside him. Magnus's voice caught in his throat. He had to be careful what he said, he knew that. The wrong words could set Alec off and Magnus would lose him. He knew the hardest thing right now would be getting Alec out of the car and into the apartment. It had been hard enough to get him out of his room and into the car. He freaked the minute he saw all the people in the hallway and had run back into his room. It had taken all the reassuring Magnus and Alec's family had to convince Alec he would be okay. They eventually got him to leave and managed to get him out of the hospital and into the cab. It was at that point that his family said goodbye. They had wanted to stay but Alec told them to leave, that they had stayed long enough. His mother was the worst about leaving; having not trusted Magnus to protect her son, but eventually she gave into her son's wishes, making him promise he'd call her every day.

And so here they were, just a few steps from their apartment and the safety of four walls that Magnus knew Alec wanted. But, Alec wouldn't move.

Magnus wanted to touch Alec's arm, to place a reassuring hand on his skin, but he knew the minute he did that, Alec would pull away. He didn't like people touching him, and Magnus understood that better than anyone. Alec's family had had a hard time understanding that and kept slipping, but Magnus knew, and so he hadn't touched Alec in almost a week.

"Alec, it's okay."

Alec looked back at him, his eyes looking almost dead. All the life seemed to be sucked from Alec's being and it was painful to see. No matter what had happened, Alec was always so happy, so alive. And to see that life, that smile, taken away, it was heartbreaking. Alec didn't blink, didn't even speak, but simply met Magnus's gaze. He had a look that was like he was seeing Magnus for the first time and he was contemplating if Magnus was friend or enemy.

"Why don't we go inside now? I can make you some food, whatever you like. I'm sure you're tired of all that hospital food." Magnus tried to add a joking tone to his words, but they all seemed to fall flat. He couldn't joke when that look was on Alec's face.

"I'm tired," he said simply, his face falling.

"Then you can go to sleep. I'll make sure it's quiet so nothing will bother you."

Alec just looked back out the window, not saying anything. Magnus knew that was about all he was going to get out of him. Magnus got out of the cab, collecting his and Alec's bag from the trunk. He came around Alec's side slowly so as not to startle him. He went to open the door but was stopped when Alec's hand grabbed the inside handle, pulling it closed. Magnus got it, he felt safe in the car. It wasn't four walls, but it was containment. It had locks and doors and those kept him safe inside. The minute he walked outside he didn't have that. He didn't have anything to protect himself with and that scared him.

Magnus took his hand away from the handle and just stood there. Alec needed to do this on his own. He knew he had to get to the apartment and he couldn't stay in the cab forever. Magnus had paid the cabby extra so he'd wait a little bit longer as needed. But he wouldn't wait forever.

Magnus looked at Alec and their gazes met through the window. It reminded Magnus of that first day in the hospital when he had seen Alec. Alec looked just as broken then as he did now. Last time Magnus had ran, but he wasn't going to run now. Not away. He was going to run to Alec, where he was always supposed to be. A few minutes passed and Alec's eyes kept darting from Magnus to the people on the sidewalk, and then it all clicked for Magnus. Alec wasn't getting out of the cab so long as he'd have to cross someone's path. He needed an uninterrupted pathway to the front of the apartment or he wasn't going anywhere.

Magnus turned to the first person he saw.

"Excuse me, sorry. Do you think you could go around, please?" He looked at the girl desperately, then at Alec. She looked at Alec and Magnus knew that she didn't understand what had happened, but knew he was asking this for a reason. She nodded, going around the cab. With each person that came their way, Magnus asked them to go around. Some asked questions, but all did as he asked. Minutes passed and Magnus kept up what he was doing. He hadn't even noticed when the door of the cab opened and Alec stepped out. He stood there in the car doorway, just looking at Magnus. He didn't need to say anything for Magnus to know that he was saying 'thank-you'. Magnus could see it in his eyes and it was amazing to see something else there besides pain, even if it was just a couple of words. Alec closed the door behind him and after a few seconds the cab drove off. Alec took a step slowly, but didn't move any further than that. No one was coming down the sidewalk so Magnus placed his attention on Alec. His heart cried out to Alec, wanting him to run to him and throw himself into Magnus' arms. He wanted to be Alec's walls, his safety. He wanted to be everything Alec needed, but Alec didn't want that now. He didn't see Magnus as that because he was too afraid to be touched. He was too afraid to feel like that again. Magnus understood that feeling and it killed him to see someone else feeling the same way. But what killed him the most was that he was supposed to be the one Alec ran to when he was hurting, but with each step he took towards Magnus, Magnus felt like he was running away.

Alec made it across the sidewalk and slowly passed Magnus to take the steps up to the apartment building. They didn't say anything as Magnus unlocked the door, opening it so Alec could get inside. And then Alec moved faster than Magnus had seen him move all week. He crossed the lobby to the stairway, taking the steps painfully but quickly. Magnus kept pace with him, staying just close enough behind to let Alec know he was still there, but not too close to scare him. Alec stopped outside their door as Magnus unlocked it. Alec walked inside slower than he had been moving before. He seemed even more tired now as he made his way slowly to their bedroom. Magnus dropped their bags on the floor as an afterthought as he watched Alec walk away. His whole being screamed at him to go after Alec, but he knew he shouldn't. Alec needed to be alone for a while, where doctors weren't checking his vitals and pumping meds into his system, and his mother wasn't fluttering about around him like a deranged bird. As much as Magnus wanted to think Alec needed him right now, Magnus knew better. After something like this, no one was going to make you feel better. You wanted somebody in your heart, but the minute anyone came near, your body screamed at you to push them away. Magnus didn't think he could handle that right now. He had been pushed so far away he couldn't see the shore, and any further and he might just drown. He crossed the room to the kitchen, taking a seat on one of the bar stools. He took Alec's meds out of his pocket, setting them on the island in front of him. They were pain killers, but Magnus knew they did nothing. He'd had his fair share of medication and all they did was numb it, not take it away.

Magnus flinched as Chairman Meow wound his way around his feet. Magnus kicked the cat away and he looked up at Magnus, rejected, before disappearing into the other room. Magnus knew he should feel bad for hurting his cat, but right now he didn't feel anything. He was numb.

Numb and broken.

* * *

_He was running. There was no ground beneath his feet, no sky above his head, nothing. But he was running. He was running faster than he ever had in his life, but he wasn't going anywhere. He was frozen, stuck in one place as his feet pounded away at nothing. He kept looking back. There was a coldness creeping up on him, slowly getting closer inch by inch. He tried to get away, tried to force his way through the darkness around him. But it was like the more he tried, the closer it got. _

_It crept under his skin, freezing the blood in his veins. He slowed down as the cold overtook his muscles and his bones. It was crippling him, forcing him down. He curled in on himself as pain erupted through him. It was a thousand tiny icy needles, slicing through every inch of his being. They cut at everything, leaving nothing but shreds in place of what had been. _

_He wanted to stand, to run again. If he ran he could leave the pain behind, right? If he didn't turn around and face it, it wouldn't hurt anymore. He tried to stand, but there was a force, separate from the pain, holding him down. It bore down on his whole being, keeping him in place. Laughter seemed to cut through the darkness and he tried to look around, to see where the laughter came from, but he couldn't move. He was frozen._

_He fought against it, trying to get away, but he couldn't. He grew tired quickly and he gave up. He let the pain overtake him and once again he heard that laughter. He tried to speak, to call out to whoever it was, but his lips were sealed shut._

_And then the darkness above him started to clear. It started to form a figure, first legs, then a torso, and then a head._

"_Hi Alec. I told you you'd see me again. What do you say we start where we left off, huh?"_

_He screamed._

"No!"

Magnus bolted upright, his heart almost shooting from his chest. He looked over at Alec. He thrashed around in the bed. He had kicked off the comforter and the sheets were now tied up around his legs. Moans of pains passed his lips as his arms and hands appeared to be trying to fight off an invisible attacker.

Magnus grabbed Alec's arms in attempt to calm him.

"Alec, wake up. It's okay baby. Just wake up. He's not real." Magnus brushed Alec's hair back from his face as Alec seemed to calm down a bit. He stopped screaming out in pain and his body seemed to relax as Magnus continued to tell him it was okay. Magnus' own heart calmed down as Alec settled. Alec's screaming had woken Magnus from his own nightmare. He hadn't had a nightmare in months, not since Alec had come into his life, but now, they were as vivid as they once were. He was watching Alec being beaten and he was held back, unable to stop it, unable to protect him. And Alec just kept screaming for him to help him. But he couldn't. He could just watch.

"There you go baby. See, it's okay. I'm here," Magnus whispered softly.

Alec's eyes fluttered open slowly. His eyes met Magnus's and the first thing he did was flinch away. Now Alec had done that before, but this, this was the worst. Alec was supposed to feel safe in Magnus' arms and here he was trying to get away. Magnus's heart wanted to scream out, but he kept it inside. He hid the pain as he always did, trying to stay strong for Alec.

"Baby..." Magnus tried to touch him again. Alec pulled back more, leaving Magnus's hand to drop, rejected. "Alec, I'm not going to hurt you. I promise."

"Don't touch me."

If you can imagine what it feels like to be pushed off a cliff into a pile of rocks, ran over by a train, and then shot multiple times, then you can only understand about half of the pain that tore through Magnus. All his breath left him and the world seemed to swim as he tried to gain some bearing on his surroundings.

_Don't touch me._

He felt like his heart had been ripped from his chest by Alec's very own hands and then torn into small little pieces while he was still left breathing.

_Everything you touch you destroy._

He'd spent so many years telling himself his father was wrong, that everything he ever said was just to tear Magnus down. But now... now he wasn't quite so sure. All the pain of those years tore through him tenfold, and he fought against the tears that threatened to escape. No. He wouldn't be weak. He wouldn't prove his father right on another count.

"Alec..."

Alec just turned his back to him, without saying a word.

And then they fell. They bit at his skin, burning their way into him. He fought them, but he had no strength. He had nothing.

He was nothing.

His father was right.

How could he have been so stupid?

_Everything you touch you destroy._

Alec wouldn't even let him touch him.

They had sworn to each other that they would always protect each other, that they'd always be there. They would be each other's safety when the world was a bomb. But now Alec ran away. He ran from him when all Magnus wanted to do was save him.

His father was right. Why would anyone really want him? They'd use him for as long as they wanted, but when they didn't need him anymore, they'd turn their back on him.

Magnus brushed the tears away frantically, trying to stop. But his heart was bleeding, shedding those tears as he had never before. He stood up quickly, fumbling a bit before he caught his footing. He walked towards the door almost blindly, and he slowly made his way down the hallway. He put on his boots and coat, grabbing his keys before slipping out of the apartment.

He walked, the cold night air biting at his skin. He didn't look back; he couldn't afford to look back. If he did, the pain would be too much and he'd fall on his knees where he was and never get up. So he kept on going, letting his feet lead his heart to where he needed to go.

There was only one place, one person, who would always be constant in his life. He had touched her and watched her be destroyed and she was the only one he trusted right now with his heart. He knew he needed to get away, to leave Alec to himself for a little bit. And Magnus needed that too. He needed time alone to decipher everything he was feeling.

He knew he must have been walking at least an hour when he stopped, but it hadn't felt like that. The time had just slipped by, unrecognized by him. When he stopped he fell to his knees, finally crying out in agony. His cry filled the air, echoing across the graveyard, but he didn't care. He needed to let it out, to finally stop holding in what had been eating at him for over a week now. He needed to feel again.

The tears spilled down his cheeks, building a pool on the smooth marble beneath his hands. He clenched his fists around the fallen leaves that covered her name, breaking their thin bodies beneath his fingers. He screamed out again, pounding his fists against the stone, letting the leaves scatter around him.

"Why? Why'd you leave me?" He had asked these questions thousands of times before, but never with the raw agony that he did now. He needed her to answer.

He needed her.

She'd know what to say, what to do. She'd know how to fix everything. She was always so good at that. She'd wrap her arms around him, brush his hair back and whisper in his ear that it was all going to be okay. She'd smile at him, and she'd mean it.

"I need you Mom. I need you so bad." He'd never felt more lost then he did now. He had nowhere to turn, no one's arms to run into. He had no one to hear his cries for help, no one to tell him what to do. Usually he'd get through it, answer his own questions, but right now, he had no answers. He had absolutely nothing but a strangled cry for help and a million tears that were too much for one lifetime.

He'd never been angrier at his mother for being gone then he was now. He knew it wasn't her fault, but damnit, it wasn't fair.

Life wasn't fair.

Yeah, well, he'd learned that one the hard way.

_Don't touch me._

The words kept ringing through Magnus's ears and as much as he tried to drown them out, they just got louder. And no matter how many times he tried to blink the look on Alec's face away, he couldn't. It just got brighter and brighter, burning itself into his soul. God, he wanted to believe it wasn't really Alec who had done those things, but it was so hard. It had been Alec's voice, his eyes that had told him that. It had been him, even if it was a broken version.

"You'd know what to do Mom. You always did."

Usually, when he came here, it was almost like he could hear her voice answering him back, but tonight she was silent. She didn't answer Magnus's cry for help and he hated her for it.

"Answer me! Please! I don't know what to do."

Still, no answer.

Please.

_You know what to do._

Magnus looked up as her voice echoed in his head. "Mom?" The word choked out through his tears. He sat there anticipating an answer but all he got was an echo.

_You know what to do._

"Mom..." He didn't finish what he was going to say as he understood. He understood everything she was silently saying. He knew all the answers he needed, but he was just making himself too blind to see them.

_Go back to him. _That was what she was saying.

_Give him time. He'll be better soon._

_Your father was wrong._

All those words echoed in his mind, not as his mother's voice, but as his own. The world seemed to come back to him. He didn't feel quite so numb and angry anymore but sort of calm, if that was possible given the circumstances. He had known back in the bedroom what he needed to know, but he had been too broken to see it then. So he'd ran, just as he always did, trying to get away from the pain. He'd run to his mother, finding-as he always did when he came here-the answers he had already known. Magnus had done the same thing Alec was doing now. He had pushed people so far away he couldn't see them anymore and he had hurt a fair amount of them. But Alec was different. As much as he had tried, he hadn't been able to push Alec away. Instead, he'd let him touch him in a way no one ever had. And so, Alec would push at him, but he wouldn't go anywhere. He'd stay, and Alec could yell at him and turn away as much as he wanted, but Magnus would always be there when he turned back.

He looked down at the gravestone, running his fingers over the raised words. He smiled softly to himself for the first time in a long time. Magnus missed her, but she was still here. She was with him. He raised two fingers to his lips, kissing them and placing them back on the stone.

"I love you forever and ever, to the moon and back." He smiled as the line they had once shared passed his lips.

Yeah, his mother may be dead, but he would never let her memory die too.

* * *

He leaned against the doorframe, a small smile playing across his lips. Alec lay in the bed, silent and still. The blankets still lay in a messy heap around him but he seemed peaceful, and Magnus couldn't ask for anything more than that. He knew this was going to be hard, but he also knew that they were strong enough to make it through, together. If it took weeks, or even months, Magnus would still be here standing as close to Alec as Alec would let him.

Magnus crossed the room, picking up the comforter from the floor where Alec had kicked it. He shook it out before placing it over top of Alec. Alec snuggled into the blanket and Magnus knew that-for now at least-Alec wasn't having a nightmare. Magnus smiled, placing a soft kiss to Alec's forehead. Alec didn't move away or wake or anything. He just continued sleeping, and in that moment, Magnus knew they were going to be okay.

* * *

So there you go. I hope you guys liked it. Once again I'm sorry it took so long but it shouldn't happen again. I should have a lot more time to write next semester, hopefully. I'd like to thank everyone for the lovely reviews last chapter and for reading and sticking with me through all of this. There's only a couple chapters left, but I've got some other stuff I'm working on. But thank you for everything, I love you all.

Be the change,  
Amber


	37. Unwoven

Chapter 37

Unwoven

* * *

Songs:

Kiss Me Slowly-Parachute  
Beside You-Marianas Trench  
Lost and Lonely-The Rasmus (Thanks to HikariMelody for this one.)

* * *

The days passed by slowly, dragging themselves out into forever. With each passing day, Magnus had hoped for progress in Alec, but nothing changed. Alec got up, ate when he needed to, and then just sat on the couch staring out the window until he chose to go to sleep. Most nights, he passed out where he sat, and Magnus would have to pick him up and bring him to bed. And when he did sleep he thrashed about screaming for it to stop. He talked little, no matter how much Magnus tried to get him to. When he did talk, it was to snap at Magnus. Yeah, it hurt, but Magnus took it and just kept pushing Alec. But every time he pushed him, Alec pulled back two more steps. It was like they were in this silent battle with each other, stuck forever with nowhere to go. Magnus tried, he did. He would try to strike up a conversation about some TV show or movie that was on, just something small, but all he'd get was small mumblings of recognition. He just wanted to get through to Alec. He wanted him back. This person wasn't Alec, hell, it was barely a person. Magnus knew that once Alec got out from behind his walls, he could start to heal, but for now he had locked himself so far away that even Magnus couldn't find him.

Magnus had promised himself and Alec after that first night that he would do anything to help Alec. He would take anything Alec threw his way, be it words, looks, or some object. He would take it all just to see Alec return to the way he was. He wasn't going to give up no matter how much Alec might want him to. Magnus had been him once and if he had had someone to kick his ass into order, he knew he wouldn't be the way he was now. He loved Alec too much to see him lose what he was because of this. Alec was strong underneath it all, and they both knew that. Magnus just had to find a way to dig down deep and bring that to Alec's surface. Once Alec knew how to be strong, he would make it through everything.

"Alec, I made you breakfast." Magnus set the plate of blueberry pancakes-Alec's favourite-down on the table in front of him. Alec didn't look up at him, barely even acknowledged that he was there. And it wasn't the first time he had done this. Magnus knew he had to be patient with Alec, but he was getting real tired of this. He could understand if this was one of Alec's friends, or some person who didn't mean a lot, but Magnus was his boyfriend, and Alec was supposed to let Magnus be there for him. He was supposed to let him in, not pull this cold, silent crap on him.

"Alec, you have to eat," Magnus said, trying to hide the frustration that was growing exponentially with every passing day.

"I'm not hungry."

Magnus ground his teeth together to hold his tongue as he sat down on the coffee table. "Don't lie to me Alexander. You haven't eaten since yesterday afternoon. You have to eat something."

"I'll eat later."

"Alec..."

"Stop! I'm not hungry Magnus, okay? Just leave it alone." He looked at Magnus for just a split second before looking back out the window. No emotion showed on his face, it was just a blank slate, void of the volcano of emotions Magnus knew he was bottling up inside his heart.

"No, Alec. I won't."

That caught the boy's attention. Alec's dull baby blues turned on Magnus, staying there for more than a fleeting second.

"I won't leave it alone, no matter how many times you ask me. I'll never leave you alone, and really I don't care what you think about that. All I've been trying to do this past week is help you, but every time I try, you push me away and make me feel like shit for ever thinking about you. Well I'm sorry Alec. I'm sorry I fucking care." Magnus stood up, turning his back on Alec. He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. It wasn't right for him to snap at Alec, not after everything he'd been through. But then again, maybe it was what he needed. He didn't need to be cradled like his mother was doing, but told exactly how it was. Sometimes the truth was harsh, but sometimes it was exactly what someone needed to break them open.

Magnus turned back around to face Alec, who was still looking away, unable to face Magnus. "Actually, you know what? I'm not sorry. Why should I apologize for being here for you, for wanting to help you as you helped me? Why can't you just see me Alec? You stare out that goddamned window everyday while I'm here trying to find some way to help you. I push and I pull, but somehow it's just never enough, because you can't see that I'm right here. You're so blinded by what happened. And I get it Alec, more than anyone else, _I get it_. I get what it feels like to not want to go outside, to not want to be touched. I know the pain that you feel every time you close your eyes and every time you breathe. I know that Alec, and I know that you can beat it. Sebastian doesn't control you. And by doing this, by stopping your life, you're letting him win. You're letting him beat you down again and again, and if you keep this up, it's going to hurt more than anything he did to you. You have to get your life back Alec, and if you just let me, I can help you. You promised me once that you would fix me, that you would help me through my past, and you did so much more than that Alec. But now it's my turn. It's my turn to be here for you, but I can't if you won't let me. There's only so much pushing away one person can take and I don't want you to push me so far away I can't find my way back. I want in Alec. I want to help you. But you've got to let me. You've got to stop fighting this yourself because I promise you, you will never win. It will tear you apart piece by piece from the inside until you don't even recognize your own face in the mirror. So let me in baby. Let me help you and together, I promise you it will get better. You showed me that it does, and now it's my turn to show you." Magnus stopped as he looked at Alec hoping for some reaction. But as always, Alec was frozen there as he had been every hour of the last week. Alec's lack of reaction was tearing Magnus apart. He was expecting something, if not words, at least for Alec to look at him. He just wanted Alec to acknowledge that he had heard at least a word of what he had spoken. But there was nothing. Absolutely nothing. And as much as Magnus was hoping for something he wasn't necessarily surprised.

"Alec please say something. At least look at me."

Nothing.

"Alec, baby. Come on."

Still nothing.

"Fine, don't look at me. But at least eat something so you don't die in your self-induced confinement. If you suddenly feel you need me, you know where to find me." And with that, Magnus turned his back to Alec and walked away. He said what he could and it was Alec's decision what he chose to do with it. Magnus just hoped that at least some of it had gotten past Alec's walls, that at least part of what he had said meant something to him. It was tearing him apart not being able to help Alec through all of this, and even if it meant just bringing food so he didn't starve, Magnus would do what he had to do to be there for Alec. He wasn't giving up on him. He knew that the Alec he knew was still there, he was just quiet, lost behind walls of pain and demons that he wasn't strong enough to beat yet. But if he let him, Magnus would help him beat those demons. He would fix Alec as Alec had once fixed him.

* * *

Alec put the plate back down on the table, leaning back into his corner of the couch. His eyes automatically went back to looking out the window. He wasn't really looking at the street below him, but at his reflection in the window; a reflection that no matter how long he stared, he couldn't recognize. He saw his features, the ones that were so familiar to him, but underneath all of that, he didn't see _him_. It was like that part of him had just disappeared; he was just a body, nothing more. He kept searching for it, hoping with each movement of the sun that it would cast a new light on his soul. But even as it set behind the horizon, Alec still saw nothing. Magnus was right, he didn't even recognize himself.

He felt numb, not just physically, but emotionally and psychologically too. He felt like an outsider to his own body. But he didn't want to be that way anymore. He wanted to be whole; he wanted to smile and laugh and love Magnus again. He didn't quite know why he treated Magnus the way he did. He didn't want to, it just happened. But what Magnus had said, it was like his words had burned themselves into his skin. He could feel them and they kept echoing over and over in his head. He knew Magnus was right, he had always known. But it was so hard. By not accepting Magnus's help, he could keep with his delusion that none of this really happened; that it was all just a really really bad dream. He liked that idea, he felt safe in that idea. It meant he didn't have to face the world ashamed and broken.

When he looked at Magnus, he felt a new wave of pain that tore him apart. He knew what all of this was doing to Magnus and he hated himself for it. He figured if he just pushed Magnus far enough away, it wouldn't hurt as much for him. But no matter how hard he pushed, Magnus pushed back harder, and Alec was too weak to keep it up anymore. His strength that he thought he had was draining out of him, and if he kept this act up any longer, he knew he'd break.

Alec got up slowly, stumbling slightly on his weak legs. He caught himself against the table. Magnus was right, he really needed to get his ass off of the couch. He took a deep breath as the soft sound of the shower filled his ears.

Magnus.

He needed Magnus.

He started towards the bathroom, stopping at the doorway. It was slightly open and through it, Alec could see Magnus's bare back, water dripping down it. He hummed softly to himself, a song Alec didn't know, the notes bouncing off the walls of the small bathroom. Alec opened the door slowly but Magnus seemed too lost in his shower to sense Alec's presence. Alec stood there, contemplating his actions. A part of him told him to turn around, but the other part told him to go to Magnus. Right now all he really wanted was to feel Magnus's arms around him, to hear his voice in his ear. He wanted Magnus's help, he needed it. He had spent too much time alone trying to fit together the pieces, and it was time he gave in and did what he knew he should have done from the beginning. He didn't want to be like this. Magnus was right. If he kept this up, Sebastian would win, and there was no goddamn way he was giving him that satisfaction. He was going to win this, and he knew that he needed Magnus's help to do so.

Alec stood in the middle of the bathroom, watching Magnus. He still couldn't understand how he was lucky enough to have him. After all the crap he'd put him through the last two days, he was surprised he was still here. But it was Magnus, and he wasn't the kind to get up and leave just because things got tough.

Alec pulled his shirt up over his head, the familiar feel of his aching ribs cutting through him. The pain had gone away, gone numb long ago, and now his wounds were just reminders of what had happened. He tried not to think of them, but every time he moved, some part of his body protested, bringing up memories Alec was trying so hard to forget. He forced them down now as he watched Magnus, his humming filling Alec's ears and calming his soul.

Alec stripped off his pajama pants so he stood naked in the bathroom. He walked slowly towards the shower, placing his hand on the door handle. He took a deep breath before opening it. Magnus turned around then, his humming stopping as his eyes landed on Alec. At first he looked surprised, but then he just smiled, holding out his hand for Alec to grab.

Alec looked from Magnus' hand to his face, his heart beating wildly in his chest.

Touch.

That was why he'd been pushing Magnus away, because despite the fact he knew it to be irrational with Magnus, he was afraid of being touched, of being hurt again. He was afraid that even a brush of someone's skin would bring back everything he'd fought to bury. As long as no one touched him, he was safe. But he knew Magnus wouldn't hurt him. And yet, he was still afraid. But looking at Magnus now, he knew he couldn't do this anymore. He couldn't deny Magnus and he couldn't deny himself Magnus either. He wanted to be touched again by Magnus, to feel him against him and know it was okay.

He took a deep breath, steadying himself, and he took Magnus's hand. A part of him was expecting a rush of pain, but all he felt was a sort of peace, a retreat from the pain. He let Magnus pull him into the shower. Alec closed the door behind him as he felt Magnus' strong arms wrap themselves around him. He let himself fall into them, wrapping his own arms around Magnus to pull him closer. Something inside him seemed to come together, something that he'd been fighting to fix for days.

This felt right. This was where he was supposed to be. In just those few seconds, his heart had started beating regularly again, the numbness had faded a bit, and for once, it didn't hurt to breathe. He let himself get lost in the feel of Magnus, let him wash away everything from the past week.

He let himself feel again.

He hadn't even realized he was crying until Magnus' hand came up to wipe the tears away. He hadn't cried since the attack, hadn't let himself release the pain. And so now, he let it out. He let all the pain escape on to Magnus's shoulder. Magnus held him tighter as his body shook. He let himself break down there in Magnus's arms. Everything from the last week came rushing to the surface and started spilling over. He struggled desperately to hold on to something, and found his anchor in Magnus. Magnus didn't move, didn't falter, he just held on tighter as Alec fell further.

Alec didn't know how long he stood there with Magnus, but when he finally managed to calm himself down, the water had turned lukewarm and he had grown weak in Magnus's arms. Magnus was about the only thing stopping him from collapsing and right there in that moment, Alec saw everything he needed. He saw that Magnus was going to be there until the end, and he meant everything he said earlier. And right there, in that shower, Alec finally saw that everything was going to be okay. Sebastian wouldn't win. No. Together, they would make it better. Together, Alec would find himself again and he would live as he had before. He would be strong as Magnus had been in his life and he wouldn't be afraid anymore. This was his life, and no one was going to ruin it.

* * *

Alec walked out of the bathroom, a smile on his face for the first time in what felt like forever. He had opened himself back up to Magnus, and everything felt right again. He actually looked forward to tomorrow, and the day after that, and the next week. He felt alive again and he wasn't going to waste that now.

Alec opened the door to the bedroom, his smile falling a bit when he saw Magnus wrapped up in the comforter, snoring softly.

"Really?" Magnus didn't move, deep in sleep.

Alec was looking forward to really spending the night with Magnus again, and here he was, sleeping. But then again, the more Alec thought about it, he probably deserved it. He'd denied Magnus a lot over the last few nights, so it was only proper that Alec get the same. Alec crossed over to the bed, getting under the covers on his side. He turned over on to his side to look at Magnus. He smiled softly, brushing a stray strand of hair from in front of Magnus' eyes.

"Thank you Magnus." Alec bit his lip. He didn't quite know why he was talking, it's not like his sleeping boyfriend would hear him. But yet, it felt good to speak, to say what he'd been wanting to say, but just couldn't. "I'm sorry for how I've been. There's no excuse and I hope you can forgive me. Of all people for me to push away right now, you shouldn't have been one of them. All you've ever done is try your best to be there for me, and I guess I just didn't want to see it. I didn't want to see you. I was so blinded by everything that I forget about what was the most important thing in my life. I just wanted to get away from it all, to sleep forever and never have to face the pain. But I can't sleep, and even when I'm awake, I see his face. I've been searching for days for an escape, thinking that getting away from the world and into my brain would be enough. But you know that there is no way out. Not really. But then, then I let myself see you again. And in your arms, I found an escape. It didn't hurt anymore and for once I didn't feel so numb and broken. I was so stupid Magnus, to have let myself be blind to you. Everything that I've been looking for is right in front of me. With you I can see a better tomorrow and I feel like despite what happened, I will make it through. It will get better, because with you I have everything I'll ever need. I know you can't hear me, and maybe one day I'll tell you for real. But tomorrow I promise things will be different. I'll be different. I love you Magnus. Thank you."

Alec stopped, letting his words hang in the air. Magnus still slept, his breathing steady and a small smile on his lips. Alec smiled too, feeling better for having said what he did. He meant it, he did. Tomorrow would be a better day and the day after that even better. Alec would heal and he would get stronger and he would live. Together with Magnus, everything would be okay.

* * *

Magnus smiled as Alec's words filled his ears. He hadn't been asleep, but Alec didn't need to know that.

* * *

Magnus's eyes fluttered open and the first thing he noticed in his mid waking state was that Alec wasn't beside him. At first he thought that the day before had all been a dream and Alec was up early and gone as he had been the last week. But then he caught sight of those vibrant blue eyes coming through the bedroom door. Alec smiled at Magnus as he set a tray down at the foot of the bed.

"What's this?"

"Breakfast in bed." Alec sat down across from Magnus and Magnus had to blink a few times to make sure he was actually awake. Was this seriously Alec? He'd barely said two words to him in a week and now he was making breakfast in bed. Not that Magnus was complaining, he liked that this Alec was back. Apparently something he said yesterday had had an impact on Alec. If he knew snapping on Alec was going to get him back, he would have done that a long time ago. Magnus had been extremely surprised when Alec had come into the shower. He wasn't expecting that, let alone for Alec to actually let him hold him. As soon as his arms were around him, he never wanted to let him go. They had only separated when they both agreed that the water was far too cold to stand in any longer. Alec breaking down in his arms had been the accumulation of everything he'd been bottling up since his attack. That was Alec finally letting himself feel the pain and let it out.

Magnus sat up, looking down at the tray of food. Alec was by no means a cook, so he wasn't expecting pancakes or French toast or anything. So as he had expected, Alec had cut up some fruit, filled a glass with orange juice, and poured some Lucky Charms. He had also put a purple daisy on the side which Alec had taken from the only flowers they had in the apartment.

"I thought about making pancakes but then I didn't really want to kill you, so I thought cereal was a safe bet."

"It's amazing. Thank you." Magnus picked up an apple slice, biting into it as he looked at Alec. He met his eyes and once again they had that light that had first driven Magnus toward him.

"Magnus I'm-"

"I know what you're going to say Alec. It's okay. Let's not think about the past, and just move forward from here."

Alec didn't say anything in return as Magnus picked up the Lucky Charms. He laughed. "You took out all the cereal pieces."

"Thought I'd save myself your bitching as you dig around just for the marshmallows."

"I do not bitch," Magnus defended. Alec just looked at him and he knew Alec was right. So he just went back to eating his cereal. Magnus couldn't help but keep smiling. It had been so long since he'd just sat and talked to Alec. He'd missed the small things-like dividing his cereal-and the bickering, and just how much Alec knew him. It was nice to have that back and Magnus wasn't going to let it go.

"So I was thinking. You know how you always said you wanted to teach me how to cook, but I always said no? I was wondering, if the offer still stands, if you'd teach me."

"When do we start?"

Alec and Magnus talked as Magnus finished off his breakfast. Alec forgot how much he treasured these moments. Magnus was the best thing he had in his life and no matter what happened to him, he promised that he would never forget that. He would never push Magnus aside, not when Magnus was the one thing he needed.

Magnus put the bowl back down on the tray and with that, Alec picked the tray up, placing it down on the floor. He turned back to Magnus, an idea in mind that he had had last night, but hadn't been able to act on. There was a fiery need inside of him unlike anything he'd felt before. It was screaming at him to be sated and with each passing second it got worse. He wanted Magnus. He had denied himself him for too long. All his fears, he knew now that they meant nothing with Magnus. He wasn't afraid to touch him, not as he had been. Magnus wouldn't hurt him, _ever_, and it was wrong of Alec to think he would. Outside these walls, Alec knew he would feel different with other people, but right here, with Magnus, it was as it had been before. He loved him, he needed him, and he trusted him.

Alec closed the distance between him and Magnus, kissing him. He poured into their connection a week's worth of need, letting everything he felt flow between them. Magnus pushed back and the kiss turned into one of desperation, of a raw hunger that couldn't be filled. They both needed this connection about as much as they needed to breathe. Alec's hands found the hem of Magnus' shirt and he pulled it up quickly over his head. Magnus's hands did the same, their lips only separating for a split second before they connected again. Alec's arms wrapped around Magnus, pulling him closer towards him, their bodies molding together perfectly.

Alec moved his lips to Magnus's neck, sucking on the sensitive skin behind his ear. Magnus arched his neck in reply, opening it up to Alec's lips. Alec took control, his lips placing a multitude of hungry kisses on Magnus's skin as Magnus's hands moved down his back. He hooked his fingers on the band of Alec's pajama pants, sliding them down slowly. His hands cupped Alec's ass, pulling him closer. Alec could feel Magnus's hard cock pressing against his own through the thin cotton of his pants. Magnus rolled his hips against Alec, forcing a moan of pleasure from Alec's lips. He had every mind to just throw Magnus down and take him right then and there, but he wanted to enjoy this, to make it more than just a physical act.

Magnus pulled Alec's pants down to his knees and Alec then proceeded to kick them off. He found Magnus' lips again, his tongue sliding past his lips into Magnus's mouth. His hands explored every inch of his body, trailing up and down Magnus's smooth skin. He wanted to pull him closer, but there was no more room between their bodies. He wanted more, he craved it. It was eating at him, ready to burst out and take him over.

"I want you Magnus," Alec said between kisses.

"Then take me," Magnus whispered, his breath teasing Alec's skin.

Alec obliged, pushing Magnus down on the covers. Magnus's eyes opened in a look of surprise and anticipation. The sight of Magnus lying there, completely open to him, sent a rush of blood to his already throbbing cock. Passion burned in Alec's eyes as he traced a line of fiery kisses down Magnus' chest. Magnus arched into his touch and Alec gave him everything, holding back just enough to keep Magnus wanting more. He traced his fingers lightly over the delicate skin of Magnus's hips, playing with the hem of his silk pants. Slowly, he inched them down Magnus's hips, teasing each inch with a kiss. Alec knew Magnus wanted more, but he wanted to please Magnus this time. He was going to take it slow and make sure he gave Magnus everything he deserved.

He pulled Magnus's pants over his pulsing member and then quickly stripped them off the rest of the way. Alec was glad to be rid of the fabric between them as he returned his lips to where Magnus wanted him the most. Magnus's fingers entwined in his hair lightly as Alec slipped his tongue out to tease Magnus's head. Magnus's body pulsed beneath him, asking Alec for more.

"Just take me Alec. Please." His voice was full of untamed need and it burned like a fire between them.

Well, Alec was never one to not oblige.

Alec took Magnus into his mouth, taking him straight to the base. Magnus moaned beneath him, his hips rolling upwards. He pulled up, running his tongue along Magnus's shaft and reveling in the sounds of pleasure escaping Magnus's lips. It was different being on this end, being the one pleasuring the other. There was something about having Magnus give himself over to him completely, to just trust him no matter what he did, that brought a whole new fire to Alec.

He took Magnus to the base again, moving up and down slowly. He looked upwards to meet Magnus's gaze, smiling against him. Magnus's eyes screamed at him for more, and a fiery passion burned within their depths. Alec pulled off, teasing Magnus's head with his tongue before placing his lips once again against Magnus's. Magnus pushed into it with desperation, his hands going to Alec's back where they pulled their bodies closer together. Alec rolled his hips against Magnus, eliciting a low moan of pleasure from him that vibrated through them both.

"Fuck. Me. Please," Magnus said between kisses, his words caught in between ragged breaths.

With that Alec pulled away, leaning over to the bedside table drawer to take out the lube. He flipped open the cap, squeezing a small amount onto his fingers. He dropped the tube onto the covers, moving his attention back to the beautiful man beneath him. He took his lips as he pushed his fingers in. Magnus gasped against him but gave in completely to everything Alec did. Alec moved his fingers in a circular motion, loosening Magnus's muscles. But he wanted more, he needed more. Alec had wanted Magnus before, but never with the hunger that filled him now.

Alec took his fingers out as he went to grab the lube. But Magnus had grabbed it, squirting it onto the palm of his hand. He smiled at Alec, moving his hand down to Alec's hard cock. His hand moved up and down along Alec's shaft as his other hand slipped behind Alec's neck to pull him down. He kissed him, his tongue slipping past Alec's lips as his fingers teased Alec's sensitive skin. Every inch of Alec was on fire, burning at Magnus's touch. The rest of the world didn't matter. All his fears, all his pain, all of it was so trivial now. Even when Magnus's hands had slid over his faded bruises, he didn't feel them. He didn't feel Sebastian's hands or the pain, but Magnus and the love he felt for him. For the first time, something else dominated his thoughts than that night, and Alec welcomed it with open arms. Alec welcomed Magnus and silently thanked him for everything.

Magnus let go of Alec, wiping his hand on the comforter as Alec slid his hands down the backs of Magnus's legs. He picked them up, putting them over his shoulders. He positioned himself in front of Magnus and the need in Magnus's eyes was stronger than before.

"I want you inside of me Alec. Take me. Take me now," he pleaded.

And so Alec did. He pushed himself inside of Magnus, slowly at first, but then quicker until he was completely inside of Magnus. Magnus let out a cry of pleasure, his body arching into Alec's. His fingers entwined in Alec's hair as Alec started moving his hips in and out. He leaned down, kissing Magnus slowly. The passion still burned within them, but right now they took it slow, both lost in the feeling of their connection. With every movement Alec made, Magnus mirrored it, their bodies moving in perfect harmony. They were one as they gave themselves over to the moment. Alec pulled away from the kiss, resting their foreheads together as he slowly quickened his pace.

"More Alec. Give me more."

Alec quickened his movements, driving deeper with each thrust. The need inside of him was growing, reaching its climax.

"Fuck!" Magnus explained as Alec thrust in deeper, hitting Magnus's prostate. Their eyes met, both of them unblinking. Alec continued his motion, quickly sending them both to a point of no return.

Seconds stretched into minutes into what felt like forever. Magnus's body screamed for more and Alec gave it to him without a second's thought. Alec lost himself in the sweet sounds that escaped Magnus's lips, his pleasure adding to Alec's own. Alec could feel his strength wavering as his thrusts slowed down. He gave one last hard thrust, coming inside Magnus as he did. His orgasm wracked his body as Magnus screamed out in pleasure, reaching his own climax. Magnus's body contracted around him as they both rode out their orgasms, holding onto each other as the feeling overtook them. Their ragged breathing mixed together as their bodies came back from their peak. Their eyes met and smiles played across both of their faces.

Alec pulled out, a small moan escaping Magnus's lips. Alec placed Magnus's legs back down on the bed as he fell down next to him. He tried to steady his breathing as he looked over at his boyfriend. This was the beauty of being touched. This was why he shouldn't be afraid of another's skin, because even though it could hurt, it could please too. It could sooth you, hold you, shelter you, and love you. Alec wasn't afraid of Magnus's touch, not as he had irrationally been a few days before. He wasn't afraid because no matter who hurt him, Magnus would always be there to fix him. And it might be a bit of a learning curve to be comfortable outside of their apartment with other people, but right now, here in this bed, he was in the greatest state of peace he had ever been in in his life. With Magnus, nothing else mattered and for the first time since that night, Alec really felt like it was going to be okay. He had called out for Magnus that night, and although Magnus hadn't been there then, he was here now, and he would always be here.

* * *

So there you go. I don't know about you guys, but I'm pretty proud of Alec for finally taking some control, especially after everything. I hope you enjoyed it and there's only one chapter and an epilogue left after this. I don't know how soon I'll get it out as I've got a script to write by next monday for a competition, my mom just got out of surgery, and I've got a bunch of stuff with school. But i'll try my best. It's all written in my head, I just got to get it in print. So I'll work to get it out as soon as possible. But thanks for reading and I love all of you. Until next time.

Be the change,  
Amber


	38. Unstoppable

Chapter 38

Unstoppable

* * *

I know, I know, it's been over a month since the last update. I am so sorry but things got crazy at home and at school and I just had no time to write. And when I did I didn't like the first version of this chapter, so I rewrote it. So, I am so sorry. But, here you go. This is the last chapter before the epilogue. It was really sad writing this and knowing that with each word it was getting closer to the end. But I won't keep you waiting any longer. Thank you all for reading, I love every one of you. Please enjoy.

* * *

Songs:

Life After You - Gavin Mikhail  
I Won't Let You Go (Darling) - Hedley

* * *

"Okay, next you have to put in three eggs."

"Why three? Why not two or four or ten?" Alec turned to look at Magnus questionably. Around them it looked like a flour bomb had gone off; everything was covered in the white powder, including the couple. Magnus had finally decided to give Alec his cooking lessons and had figured it wouldn't be too hard to make pancakes, but now he was beginning to think he should have started with something like toast. The worst Alec could have done was burn that, not destroy the kitchen. But then again, Alec did look absolutely adorable covered in flour. If it had been sugar, Magnus would have been fighting the urge to lick it off of his skin, which would have completely negated the purpose of the whole lesson, but he probably wouldn't have cared.

"I don't know Alec. That's just what the recipe says. Why don't you ask an expert?"

"I thought I was." Alec raised an eyebrow at Magnus in reference to his earlier comment about him being an expert in the kitchen.

"I _am_ an expert, thank you. I just don't happen to be a connoisseur on the use of eggs in pancakes."

"So you're admitting there is something you don't know? Well that's a first."

"Alec, just crack the eggs."

"If you say so." Alec took an egg out of the box, grinning up at Magnus.

"Alec," he warned. But it was too late. Alec reached up, cracking the egg on Magnus' perfectly spiked hair. Alec laughed like a child but Magnus was not at all amused. He glared at Alec through dripping egg yolk as he wiped it away with his fingers, smudging his makeup in the process.

"You didn't say crack the egg in the bowl," Alec said innocently but Magnus could see in his eyes that he knew what was coming. And a part of Magnus knew that that had been Alec's goal all along.

"You are so going to regret that Alexander." Magnus grabbed another egg, cracking it on top of Alec's head. His baby blues shot wide as the cold yolk ran down his skin. Magnus just laughed and didn't realize when Alec's hands moved to the flour bowl. Magnus was caught off guard when Alec dumped a cup of flour on Magnus' head. Oh, so that was how he was going to play it. Alright, Magnus could play that game too. He threw flour at Alec who in turn did the same. They went back and forth, throwing whatever ingredient at each other that they could get their hands on. Their laughter mixed together in the concentrated air as little by little they became undistinguishable from the ingredients. Magnus could barely see, his lashes soaked with egg yolk and caked with flour. But none of that mattered as he let himself feel like a child again as he and Alec destroyed their kitchen.

Magnus moved to throw the rest of the flour at Alec when his foot slipped on egg yolk. He instinctively grabbed onto Alec to stop himself from falling, but it was no use. He fell on his ass, the impact vibrating through Magnus' bones. Alec fell with him, his body falling none too lightly on Magnus'.

"Ow. Okay," he panted, out of breath. His head fell back on the tile as he met Alec's eyes. "I think that's enough for now."

"Are you saying I won?"

"I'm saying I bruised my tailbone and don't want to stand up for a couple minutes."

"So I won."

"I think the egg won. It put us both on our ass."

"Actually it put you on your ass and me on top of you. Not that I'm complaining." Alec grinned, raising an eyebrow at Magnus. That had always been Magnus' trick but goddamn he was not complaining that Alec had unconsciously adapted it. It was now that he became painfully obvious that Alec was none too lightly straddling his hips. Alec leaned down to Magnus' lips at the same time he rolled his pelvis back into Magnus' hips. Magnus groaned in pleasure as Alec took his lips with his. Magnus pushed into it, his whole body instantly horny. Why was it that just a simple touch, just a simple word from Alec could do so much to him? He was putty in Alec's hands, whatever the blue eyed boy wanted from him he would give. It really was nice to have this Alec back. For days there he had started thinking that small events like this wouldn't happen again. He had feared he'd lost Alec, or at least a part of him, and now, laying here, it was almost like he was in a dream. A dream he prayed he never woke up from.

Magnus let out a sound of displeasure as Alec pulled away.

"You taste like eggs and flour." Alec's face was mixed into one of slight disgust.

Magnus laughed. "And you are a tease."

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Alec said innocently, a small smile painting his face.

"Oh whatever. And it's your fault I taste like this."

"My fault? I didn't do a thing."

"Don't you act so innocent Alexander. If you had followed the instructions, we'd have had the pancakes in by now."

"Well if you had been more descriptive in your directions and said to crack the eggs in the bowl, then I would have cracked them there."

"You know, I thank my mother everyday for teaching me how to cook, because if she didn't we'd be eating take out and cereal every day."

"Are you offending my cooking abilities?" Alec asked.

"Alec, when I said two cups of flour you wanted to fill two drinking cups."

"Oh yeah."

"Yeah."

They both laughed as Alec stood up. He brushed off his pant legs, more flour falling to the floor. He tucked a white strand of hair behind his ear as he hold out his hand for Magnus.

"Just let me do one thing first."

Alec just looked at Magnus questionably as Magnus started moving his arms and legs sideways across the floor.

Alec laughed as he realized what Magnus was doing. "You are such a child."

"That coming from the person who just started a food fight." He stopped moving. "Now help me up."

Alec held out his hand for Magnus. He stood up, turning around to see his artwork. Yes, Magnus had reverted back to an eight year old and made an angel in the flour. But come on, who wouldn't? He brushed the flour off his clothes, glad he had worn sweats and a simple t-shirt and not something worth some money. He trusted Alec in everything but cooking so he wasn't taking the chance. He stretched, his body protesting against him. He had no reason to doubt that his back would hurt for the next couple days.

"Next time you want to initiate a food fight, can we keep anything that might make us slip out of the game?"

"Why? I thought it was funny."

"Yeah well my ass doesn't think it's funny." He paused, stretching a bit more, his bones cracking. "Now why don't you go order us some Chinese or something for dinner and I'll start cleaning up?"

Alec's laughing happy manner of the last ten minutes drained away immediately. Shit. Magnus hadn't even noticed what he said. He placed a hand protectively on Alec's arm gently, trying to meet his eyes. "Forget about it. I'll call. You clean up."

"No. No." Alec looked up into Magnus's eyes and the fear he had expected to see there was nonexistent. "I'll call. I can do it. It's a completely irrational fear. They can't hurt me." Alec smiled. "You start cleaning." Alec moved away to go pick up the phone and Magnus couldn't help but feel euphoric joy rush through him. Alec had been afraid of picking up the phone since his attack. It was irrational but understandable. Alec was afraid of strangers, which was why he had yet to go outside. But he was getting there, slowly. He still went into another room every time someone knocked at the door, or busied himself with something so Magnus would have to pick up the phone. There were few people Alec felt safe with and Magnus hoped that soon he could expand that. But this was a step. Here he was understanding that someone on the phone couldn't hurt him. Next maybe he'd be able to open the door.

Magnus went to collect the vacuum as Alec picked up the phone in the living room. He heard Alec's voice echoing through the apartment and smiled. Alec was coming back and it was so, so beautiful.

* * *

"O, she doth teach the torches to burn bright! Her beauty hangs upon the cheek of night- Who writes this stuff?"

"Shakespeare Magnus." Alec looked at Magnus who was reading _Romeo and Juliet_ over his shoulder.

"Yeah but whatever happened to like, 'She's beautiful.' There, done. I just summed up that whole speech in two words. I don't see why they have to say so many words to get across one point. Not to mention half of it makes no sense. I mean what the hell does 'so shows a snowy dove trooping with crows' mean? How does a dove troop with crows? Are they like an army or something?" Magnus looked up from _Romeo and Juliet_ to Alec who was smiling and trying not to laugh.

"What? Are you amused by my confusion?"

"I think it's adorable."

"Yeah well my head hurts."

"Then don't read it. Now stop, I have homework to do." He returned to his book.

"Can't you put it off for a bit? I was thinking we could spend the day together." Magnus brushed his lips softly over Alec's skin, placing them behind his ear. Alec moved away before he gave in. Magnus always knew exactly where to touch Alec to get him to do anything he wanted him to. As much as he enjoyed being with Magnus after everything that had happened, he couldn't let himself go. He had work to do and unfortunately they both would have to wait. And besides, he knew Magnus was just using this as an excuse to avoid his own work.

"That's not going to work on me Magnus. I've missed enough school already and we spend every day together. I should be grateful the university is giving me this much time off so I really have to catch up." Anna had come by to drop off his English work and he had been getting all his History stuff from Magnus. He had only recently had the motivation to actually start it and it felt really good to be working. He'd spent so much time just sitting still that he'd forgotten what it was like to really do things and live again. He owed that all to Magnus and he would never understand just how grateful Alec was for everything. He owed Magnus his life.

"Oh please, you've probably known _Romeo & Juliet_ off by heart since you were twelve."

"Fourteen, actually."

"Whatever. You are such a nerd."

"Me? You're the one who destroyed our Star Trek DVD from watching it so many times."

"Hey, not fair. You know perfectly well I don't watch for the plot. Zachary Quinto is hot and you know it."

Alec didn't entertain him, instead returning to his work. Magnus came around to sit on the opposite end of the couch, sighing very pointedly in disappointment. Alec rolled his eyes. Sometimes he wondered if he was dating a man or a child. He started writing just as Magnus began singing a Lady Gaga song. Magnus knew Alec hated Top 40 music and so he made a point to sing or hum or dance to it on a relatively weekly basis. "Magnus."

"What? I didn't do anything."

"If you're going to sit there can you at least sing something else?"

And he did start singing something else. This time it was Justin Bieber. Alec attempted to ignore it as he knew his boyfriend well enough to know that there was only one thing that would make him stop, and Alec wasn't about ready to do whatever it was that he had in mind since he had work to do.

"And I was like baby, baby, baby, oh! Like baby, baby, baby, oh!"

"Magnus!" Alec exclaimed in frustration.

Magnus looked at him innocently as if he hadn't done anything.

"What do I have to do to make you stop?"

"Go out with me."

"What?" Alec was caught off guard, his heart skipping a beat in his chest.

"There's this big campus book sale down the street, and I was thinking that there's still one wall in the bedroom that you haven't covered with books and thought you might want some more."

"Is this your way of saying you think I need to get out of the apartment?"

"No."

"Yes it is."

"Look Alec, it was just a thought. You don't have to."

Alec looked from Magnus to the books in his lap. His heart felt like it was going to beat from his chest but his mind stood at a standstill. He was frozen. A part of him wanted to go, but another part of him was held to his seat with fear. It was just a book sale and the store was just down the street. It's not like he'd have to go far and he really did want some more books. But the people. And what if _he_ was there? What if _he_ had wanted some books too? No. No. He couldn't think like that. He'd never go anywhere if he feared he'd be there every time. And Alec knew that there was no way he could be there. Alec had finally been able to speak to the police at the hospital and had told them what had happened, or had tried to. He just told them what they needed to know-what Sebastian had done to him. Sebastian would be serving 12 months in jail with a chance of parole. Alec still remembered the day Magnus had told him that, but he got no satisfaction from knowing Sebastian would suffer. It wasn't enough, not for him. Sebastian would get out and go on living his life the same way, but Alec would have to suffer the scars the rest of his life. There was no set time he'd have to suffer and a chance of it ending early. No, he was the one serving the life sentence.

Alec looked back up at Magnus who was glancing at him nervously. Alec knew Magnus tried to be really careful with what he said in case he offended Alec, but that was never the case. See, when Magnus said things like this, Alec trusted that he was right. Magnus had been through worse than Alec and made it out alive, so Alec knew that he could too. It would be alright.

"No, let's go. I can try."

Magnus smiled. "Are you sure?"

"Ask me that again and I might change my mind." Alec closed his books, setting them on the coffee table. He stood up, taking a deep breath to steady his racing heart. "Ready?"

"Whenever you are baby." Magnus stood up, his happiness radiating off of him. They walked over to the doorway, slipping on their shoes. Alec grabbed his wallet, slipping it into his pocket. He turned towards the door and suddenly all his courage was gone. He froze as his eyes fell on the handle. Magnus stood behind him leaving it up to him to open the door. He looked at Magnus who just smiled at him reassuringly. Well at least someone had faith in him, because he sure didn't. He reached out his hand slowly, folding it around the doorknob.

_Come on Alec, you can do it. It's not like he's standing on the doormat or anything. No one can hurt you. No one can hurt you. No one can hurt you. _

He kept repeating that in his head and slowly his muscles loosened. He turned the doorknob, opening the door to the hallway. He let out a breath he had been holding, his heart soaring for a second as he realized that he had done it. It wasn't a huge achievement or anything but it was further than he'd been in weeks.

He knew how the whole thing looked, it was pathetic. He was afraid to even leave his own apartment. But as much as his brain told him it would be okay, his body froze every time he even thought about entering the public again. Every nightmare he had came to life on the other side of doorways or on the streets. He was safer inside, even if he knew he'd have to go outside one day. But right here, right now, with Magnus' hand entwined in his and his presence easing Alec's pain, he knew that he could do it. His body could stop being so afraid.

Alec took the first step and the next foot followed, and for the first time in weeks, he had made it further than the path between his bedroom, the living room, and the bathroom. He felt a weight lift from his shoulders but still his soul was heavy. There were still so many more steps to take.

He looked up at Magnus where a silent conversation passed between them. Magnus was saying that he knew Alec would do it, that he believed in him, and Alec was saying he was right and thanking him. Alec started walking, his hand gripped tightly in Magnus' as he took a slow breath with each step. There was no one around, just the two of them. Everyone else must have been at class or at work. Alec opened the door to the stairwell, slamming it shut just as quickly. He turned his back to the door, moving into Magnus' arms.

No. It couldn't have been. It wasn't him. He was behind bars. It wasn't him. Alec shook against Magnus' chest, caught between wanting to close his eyes and keep them open. Either way he saw his face. Either way, he was there, watching him.

"Alec it's alright. It's not him. It's just one of the neighbours. It's not him," Magnus whispered, brushing his hand through Alec's hair softly as he tried to calm him down.

"I'm sorry."

"Do not apologize Alec. It's alright, okay? Everything's going to be alright." Alec started to calm down in Magnus' arms, letting his body relax against his boyfriend's. But still he couldn't get that image out of his mind. He knew Magnus was right, it wasn't Sebastian. But he still saw his face. On that med student on his way to class Alec had seen Sebastian's face. He had thought that since Sebastian was away and out of his life, he could start to forget him. But he couldn't. Sebastian was with him all the time, whether it felt like it or not. Alec just couldn't get rid of him. The scars still bled deep and they wouldn't leave him no matter how many times he sewed them back together.

He knew that people were victimized every day, it was nasty part of this world. In that he knew that people learned how to move on, he had seen it in Magnus. When it's not you it's really easy to look at someone and say, 'just do it'. Just open the door and walk outside. What are you so afraid of? People just don't understand until it's their skin that hurts. Even before all of this, he had thought he'd understood it with Magnus, but he had been so wrong. It wasn't that easy to 'just do it'. Your nervous system was your worst enemy, and right now, his was frozen in fear. It was replaying over and over in his mind that night. And it wasn't so much the physical scars that hurt; it was the emotional and mental ones. Sebastian's fist may not have cut deep on the surface, but on Alec's soul they tore him into shreds. Everything he ever feared about coming out, about being who he was, it all came true in those few moments. Every nightmare that had woken him at three in the morning, every thought that froze his tongue when he tried to tell his mother, every single thing, was no longer just a thought or a fear, it was alive. It was alive and it lived with him and it was hard to go back from that. But people had done it. He was in the arms of one right now. Standing there, listening to Magnus' heart beat calmed Alec's soul. It calmed the living nightmares and pushed away all the darkness. It gave him hope and it gave him reason to move on. Magnus had done it and Magnus believed in him. Magnus had been through so much more than he had and here he was afraid to open a door. Magnus had even faced his father, and Alec couldn't even face someone that looked like Sebastian. But he could do it. He knew he could. He would move on, he would stand tall, and he wouldn't let this control him. This was his life, not Sebastian's.

Alec looked up at Magnus. "Maybe we'll go to the store tomorrow."

"Okay. Come on, let's go back." Magnus kept his arm around Alec as he led him back to the apartment.

One day Alec would do it and he hoped that day could be tomorrow.

* * *

Alec looked out over the city from his seat on the edge of the rooftop. Below him was a large expanse of concrete, but above him he could see the stars. There weren't many-it was New York after all-but there were a few and Alec found himself counting them above him, distracting his thoughts with their luminescent sparkle. He had come up to the roof to get some air while Magnus was in the shower. He didn't know how he'd managed it especially after the events from a few hours before, but somehow he had done it. He was pretty sure that he went from his door to the stair well with his eyes on his feet, but he had still done it. And he had done it without Magnus. But it was only a small victory. No one could hurt him from up here. It was down there that really mattered.

"Hey, you did it."

Alec looked behind him to see Magnus slightly damp and in pajamas. He smiled. "I did."

"I knew you would."

"It's still not much of an accomplishment." He looked down at the ground below him as Magnus came up behind him, wrapping his arms around Alec's waist. Alec melted into them as he normally did, and their bodies fit together like the final pieces of a puzzle. "I'm sorry about earlier."

"Alec, I told you not to apologize. It's okay baby. You'll get there."

"Will I?" Alec asked as he looked up at Magnus.

"I've never doubted you for a minute."

"Well that makes one of us." Alec looked back out over the ground below them. "I know he's not there. I know he can't hurt me anymore, but I can still feel him, you know?" Magnus just nodded his head. "I see his face everywhere, and it's just... it's safer here." Magnus wrapped his arms around Alec tighter and Alec welcomed the embrace. "It's easier to forget here." He paused, biting his lip nervously. "How did you do it? How did you face the world despite what happened?"

Magnus was silent for a few seconds before he spoke. "I won't lie to you, it wasn't easy. It took me a really long time to feel even relatively safe around others. Every face I saw was my father's, every sound his voice. Even now sometimes I still think I see him in a crowd. But I learned to realize that it wasn't him, it was just me. It was me letting him win. Even though he wasn't there, my fear, my solitude, it was fueling the fire he had started. I was giving him what he wanted, and that was to see me fall. Once I realized that I couldn't let him control me anymore, I stopped being so afraid. Only when you tell yourself that he doesn't control you can you start to move on. He may think he won when he hurt you, but he's wrong. When you stand back up and you stand tall, you are the one who has won." Magnus paused. "I did it alone for a lot of life, but you don't have to. I'm here and I'm going to help you wherever you want me to. I know you can do it and I know that you do too."

"I don't want to be afraid anymore Magnus."

"And you don't have to be. You're stronger than this. You're stronger than him."

Alec just smiled, looking back out over the street. "Do you remember when we first met?"

"How could I forget? You stole my tree spot."

Alec laughed. "You know, at first I thought that was some cosmic joke. This beautiful guy I was eying on the first day just happens to sit at the same tree. And then, he has a girlfriend. Any hope I had with you disappeared very quickly. I mean who was I kidding, someone like you wouldn't look at someone like me." Alec turned around in Magnus's arms, looking up to meet his eyes. "But you did, and for some reason you let me call you mine. You knew I wasn't out but you stayed anyway, and at the time I kept wondering why. My whole life I had never been special, always living in my siblings' shadows. I was the other Lightwood, the one with his nose always in a book. No one noticed me, no one cared about me. No one but you." Alec smiled. "I owe you so much Magnus. You've saved me more times than I can count and you truly are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I don't know where we're going to be next month or next year, but right now I'm happier than I've ever been." He paused. "I guess what all of that means is thank you. Thank you for not giving up on me when I gave up on myself. Thank you for always being there, for loving me, and for always being you."

Magnus just smiled and Alec could swear he saw tears threatening to escape at the corners of his eyes. "Are you trying to make me cry?"

Alec laughed. "Not intentionally."

"Alright then, my turn. I remember that day all I could think was, 'Why the hell did I also date women, because there is always a more beautiful boy out there?' Your eyes were the first thing I saw and I lost myself in them. To this day I've yet to be found. My mother was the kind to believe in love at first sight; I always thought she was crazy. You couldn't know you loved someone the first moment you saw them. But the minute I saw you, I realized my mother was right. You were perfect Alec, and definitely too perfect for me. I thought that it was impossible you could ever love me, but you proved that wrong too. For the first time in nine years, someone loved me for all of me and not just part of me. You gave me something I had only dreamed about. I was dying before I met you, but you made my heart beat again. You taught me how to love Alec, and for the first time in my life I can say I'm living it. I love you Alexander Lightwood and I will continue to love you for as long as you let me."

"Forever sounds pretty good to me."

Magnus smiled, his eyes lighting up in the midnight light. "Forever sounds perfect." He leaned down, taking Alec's lips with his. They melted into each other's touch like it was the first time. Their hands held onto each other's bodies like it was the last time they would hold each other and into that kiss poured eight months of emotion. The world drained away from Alec as he lost himself in love. Nothing else mattered and nothing else ever would. Alec had only ever read about love in books, but what you read cannot ever prepare you for the real thing. It's like freefalling, never knowing where you're going to land or where the wind will push you, but living the ride the whole way down despite the outcome. It's like an ocean, one minute the crystal image of perfection, the next a rocky, treacherous expanse of darkness. It's everything and nothing, and it's just…it's love. To some people it's beautiful and to others it's disgusting, but that's what it is. It's not predictable and when you're in it, it can feel like the most beautiful dream you've ever had. In Magnus' arms, he didn't care where the ocean of love took him, because right now he was riding it with joy and he loved every minute of it. He drank Magnus in and filled himself with a love that he had only dreamed about-a love that would never die.

Suddenly Alec had an idea, something he'd wanted to do for a very long time but never had the courage to say. He pulled away, much to both of their disappointment.

"I want to do something." He pulled out of Magnus's arms, turning back towards the world beneath him. He looked back at Magnus, a grin on his face. "For months I wanted the world to know I loved you, but I was too afraid to do it. All I wanted to do was scream it from the rooftops."

"Alec-"

"I'm not afraid anymore Magnus. I want the world to know. I want them to know I love you." Alec lifted himself up onto the edge of the rooftop, standing tall above the world.

"Alec, be careful."

Alec just smiled, looking down at the world below him. He was filled with a sense of euphoria, not fear. It was fighting to break out, to overtake him. It was so beautiful. Alec looked up to the sky, spreading his arms out around him. He took a deep breath and finally let it all escape. "I love Magnus Bane!" His words echoed through the air and when he looked back at Magnus they both shared huge matching smiles.

"Good for you!"

Alec laughed as the voice of a passerby echoed up to the rooftops.

"You're crazy." Magnus said, laughing softly.

"In love with you." Alec held out his hand to Magnus who took it, lifting himself up onto the edge with Alec. Their eyes met and nothing more needed to be said. They loved each other and it would take a lot to ever change that. They were complete together and they were finally happy. For the first time in both their lives neither was hiding, neither was afraid, and neither was hurting.

The stars above smiled down at them, painting the picture of their love across the sky. Their laughter mixed in the air, echoing across the grounds, and beneath them was a world of opportunity. There were times when Alec thought they'd never make it here, that the pain would just be too much. But they proved that even the sharpest of forces could not tear love apart. Love is truly the most powerful force in the universe, and standing there in that moment Alec was ready to take on the world. He knew that with Magnus by his side nothing else would ever matter. No pain would bring him down, no tears would be too much. No mountain would be too tall, no valley too low. The world was at their fingertips, just waiting for them to take a step over the edge and fall into it.

* * *

Magnus stood in the doorway waiting patiently. He watched Alec standing there as cars raced ahead on the street in front of him. People passed by but Alec didn't turn away. He just stood there, his breathing slow, his face emotionless.

"You don't have to do this if you're not ready Alec."

Alec looked up at him, smiling. "I'm ready."

"Are you sure?"

"With you by my side, I'm ready for anything."

**The End**

* * *

I can't even begin to explain how I'm feeling right now. I've got a mix of euphoria, sadness, and just a million other things. Writing those two words 'The End', it's the first time I've ever done that. This has been a roller coaster of an experience and it's been amazing. I started this story just over a year ago and I did it on a whim. I just sat down and started typing and said, 'Hey, let's put it on fanfiction.' I hadn't really planned for it to go this long and to be so well received. I owe it all to every single one of you. Rather you've been reading since the beginning, reviewed every chapter, or just found this a couple chapters ago, I love every single one of you. This is dedicated to all of you for being the most amazing readers and people.

I've also made some of the most amazing friends on here – StarryOwlEyes, Kiyori-chan, DisturbingEmily, MaybeThere'sHope, lenkagamine133, to name a few-that I wouldn't trade for anything and will carry past this experience. Thank you for sticking with me and leaving such amazing kind reviews that always make me feel so much better. You guys are fantastic and getting to know every single one of you has been amazing. Thank you to MortalMusic for being an amazing beta and friend. None of this could have happened without you and your fantastic editing skills. Thank you to HikariMelody for the amazing music recommendations and for adding dozens of songs to my iTunes library. And thank you to everyone else that has reviewed, favourited, alerted or even just read this. This is to all of you.

I wish I could say this wasn't the last chapter and could continue this more, but it is. It's exactly where I planned on it ending in the beginning- Magnus and Alec happy. I always planned that, but I also planned that it wouldn't be easy. They had their ups and downs and sometimes they went a little sideways but in the end their love made it through. Alec will get through everything and he'll do it with Magnus. They'll do it together, just as they always have. Magnus began as a scarred, broken man with no hope of ever falling in love again and Alec was a closeted, shy boy who believed he'd never be happy with who he wanted to be happy with. But Alec fixed Magnus and showed him what it felt to love somebody and Magnus gave Alec the confidence to be himself and let the world know it. Even when they fought and didn't agree, they still somehow found each other's arms again. They taught each other what it meant to live-to truly, fully live. They shared a love that no pain, no tears, nothing could tear apart. It really is, unstoppable.

This still has an epilogue which I'm going to go work on now and I really hope it doesn't take as long as it did to upload this one. I'm going to try and get it done before school gets crazy with end of year stuff. But please, please let me know what you thought. This is the first time I've ever actually written the last chapter to something and it's a really amazing feeling. I'm going to be really sad posting the epilogue because it makes it official that this is over. It's been an amazing experience and thank you all for being a part of it. Now, I'm going to go write the end. Thank you all for reading and being fantastic people. I love you all.  
Be the change,  
Amber


	39. Epilogue

Epilogue

Hi everybody! So I am so so so very sorry this took so long to update. I have reasons, I promise. I have been insanely busy over the last few months writing essays for scholarships, writing essays for final projects for school (I've written more essays in the last two months then I have in the last four years of highschool), doing homework, working, preparing for university, and about a million other things. These last two months have been insanely busy for me and I have had no free time to do anything. I've been wanting to get this done and uploaded so bad, but I just haven't been able to. My beta has also been crazy busy and just now had time to read and edit. So we are both very sorry this took so long, but it's here now. Please enjoy and thanks for reading.

* * *

Songs:

Lego House-Ed Sheeran

I Won't Give Up-Jason Mraz

* * *

The next few years passed by quickly. With every year, Alec and Magnus grew closer and with every day, all the fears and pain of the past faded away into memory. Sometimes they fought, sometimes they laughed, sometimes they laid in bed until late into the afternoon. They never grew into that boring routine that some couples got stuck in. There were always new surprises every day and new reasons to smile when they woke up in the morning. Their love never came to a standstill but kept growing and growing; neither questioned if it would ever stop.

Over the years they shared their passions and talents with each other. It took a while, but eventually Alec let Magnus take him clothing shopping. Alec would never tell Magnus but he actually loved his new wardrobe. It was still him, just less holey. Alec had eventually perfected the art of making pancakes – although it took a few food fights – but after a failed attempt at spaghetti, he decided cooking would never be for him. He stuck to microwaved and boiled meals when it was his night to cook. He had eventually got Magnus to sit down and read Romeo & Juliet. He still didn't understand the story, but when they watched the 1969 movie version, he burst into tears at the end. He was still trying to get Magnus to read Hamlet but Magnus had resorted to saying that The Lion King was all he needed to understand that play. After about a year and a half, Alec had randomly asked Magnus to teach him how to draw. Magnus was an amazing teacher but Alec was just as bad at art as he was cooking. Magnus's works were like the Mona Lisa and the best Alec had ever managed was a misshapen attempt at a person that looked like something Magnus probably did when he was two.

In Magnus' second year of university, he switched his History major for one in Communications. Alec joined the school newspaper and made his way up to Editor-in-Chief. Magnus continued to show his work in art shows, but as an unspoken tradition, they always left the building together. Alec started writing a book second year and finished the summer of their third. Magnus had read it and thought it was fantastic – Alec doubted his opinion since as his boyfriend, he almost had an obligation to say that – and Alec was looking into getting an agent and getting it published after graduation.

Things were perfect; Magnus was on his way to being a famous New York artist and Alec was on his way to a top spot on the New York Times Best-Selling List. For the first time in their lives, everything was exactly as they wanted it to be.

Graduation rolled around quickly. To Alec, it felt like if he blinked, he'd miss it all. Alec and Magnus were so busy with exams and final preparations that they barely saw each other in those last few months. And that was probably a good thing because Alec had a burning question on his mind for Magnus that was just bursting to get free. They'd been together three and a half years at that point and Alec knew that there was no one else he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. There was no one else's voice singing off key at 6 in the morning that he wanted to wake up to. There was no one else's cooking he wanted to come home to after a long day. There was no one else's arms that he wanted to be in. There was no one else that his heart ever wanted to love. Magnus was everything and until the day Alec died, hewould continue to be everything.

Alec had it all planned out how he would propose to Magnus. They were going to travel through Europe the summer after graduation. One of Magnus' favourite places was Florence, Italy and Alec had arranged for a traditional Italian dinner at the Piazza Michelangelo, overlooking the city. It was nothing too extravagant, just them, the city, and the Italian sun setting over Tuscany (and yes, a bowl of spaghetti.) But, as things had always happened with them, nothing went exactly as planned. They took a few wrong turns down the cobblestone roads and were lost within minutes. Thankfully Alec had taken Italian all through high school and was able to ask for directions back to their hotel. But by that time, the sun had set and it was pouring rain. They ended up pulling in to the closest restaurant and sharing a plate of spaghetti. Alec wanted so badly to ask him as he had planned but it wasn't the place.

That was when they found themselves in Rome. Magnus had always wanted to go to the Trevi Fountain and make a wish to see if it could really come true. And in retrospect, what occurred there was so much better than what Alec had originally planned.

They had set out for the fountain at night hoping to see it lit up and less crowded than in the day. But as had been their luck on the trip, it was pouring rain again. But they didn't seem to care. No one did. Under the magic of the lights of the fountain and the soft lap of the water pouring into the pool echoing around him, Alec and Magnus felt completely uninhibited, not even caring to take out their pocket umbrella. They both threw their quarters into the water, making silent wishes that unbeknownst to the other, were exactly the same.

And that was when Alec seized the moment and right there, surrounded by tourists under the stars of the Italian sky, he got down on one knee. He took out a small box that he had carried with him the whole trip, opening it up to a silver engraved band. That was when he finally uttered the words that had been at his lips for so many years. Magnus' 'yes' resonated through the historic square and the few tourists that were sticking out the rain, clapped for the newly engaged couple. Magnus threw his arms around Alec, whispering in his ear that the wishes really do come true. They proceeded to dance in the rain, playing with the water in the fountain despite the fact they were sure it was illegal. But they didn't care. They were happier then they had ever been in their lives and they were going to remember it. Magnus had made a point to show off the ring and in his euphoria had told multiple people that he was going to get married, even though none of them understood a word he said.

The proposal was not as Alec had planned it, but nothing in their relationship had ever been planned. And so it was perfect. And the thing was, neither of them needed a big huge show of a proposal, but something small, something spontaneous and special. It was those kind of proposals you remembered, when something inside you just snaps and pushes you to your knee. And then those words come and there's no stopping them. They're not planned and normally come out in a stuttering half understandable declaration of love, but they're the ones from the heart. Every few years they went back to the fountain and they danced-rather it was raining or not-they laughed, they even sang, and every year Magnus took a new bottle of water from the fountain. It became a tradition, one of many they would share over their lifetime.

They waited two years to get married. They wanted to wait until they both had steady jobs and could afford the wedding. Alec didn't want to ask his parents for anything but, surprisingly, they gave a lot. Ever since that first night when Alec had come out, his parents had really started to like Magnus. Maryse actually came to realize that she and Magnus had a shared interest; art. Now Alec had a hard time getting the two to stop talking. Magnus was truly a part of the family and even Jace came to warm to him, well, as much as Jace could. They were friends but they would never call each other up to chat or anything. That was Magnus and Isabelle. Sometimes Alec would find Magnus talking to his sister into the early hours of the morning. They were always going on some shopping spree or another and Alec counted himself lucky that they got along so well.

The wedding was nothing extravagant, surprisingly, considering it was Magnus. But Alec wasn't one for grandeur and Magnus only had about a handful of friends from school and work to invite. They decided on a 75 person outdoor summer wedding in his parents' backyard, overlooking the lake. It was a beautiful wedding, something Alec had thought he'd never have. He had many memories that night that he'd never ever forget. Jace and Isabelle had made quite sure to tell every embarrassing story of Alec during their speeches, Magnus had purposely smudged cake on Alec's face during the cake ceremony-much to the delight of the crowd-and Alec had almost forgot his vows he was so nervous. They had wrote their own, both of which end up being really long and sappy, but just perfect for the two of them. Alec had never seen himself getting married, it had always just been a far away dream. But yet there he was, standing under an alter with the most beautiful, amazing man in front of him saying 'I do.' The whole thing felt like a dream and when he woke up the morning after, he expected it all to have been one cosmic joke. But there Magnus was, laying next to him as he would continue to forever.

Both of their careers kicked off after the wedding. Magnus opened up a successful art studio downtown and Alec published his first novel. All their dreams were coming true together. The years passed and they saw their friends and family marry and have their dreams come true too. First it was Isabelle and Simon and then it was Jace and Clary. Max unfortunately, looked to be a bachelor for a while. Life went on as it always did, with laughter and happiness filling every touch, every smile, every kiss that they shared. Every day was like the first and even on those days when they stressed each other out and they fought over simple things, they knew tomorrow they'd be okay.

But there was something missing from their perfect family. Both were in their late 20s when Isabelle and Simon had their first kid. It was a little girl and right away Magnus saw how the child lit a flame in Alec. They had talked about children, both surrogacy and adoption. But they hadn't really committed to anything yet. When they first started talking about it, Magnus was scared. It was an initial fear that went away with time but he kept thinking, what if he turned out like his father? But he made himself push that thought away and told himself he would raise his children as his mother raised him. That's who he would be.

It was in that moment, that little miracle from Isabelle, that Alec and Magnus shared one look that said they were ready. It wasn't easy. They spent time thinking about surrogacy but then decided they didn't want to have a kid that was only biologically one of theirs. So they decided on the long process of adoption. They waited months, filling out paper work, seeing multiple social workers, and just waiting. Then finally, eight months after they started the search process, a little girl became theirs.

Her name was Sophia, and she was their little pride and joy. They spoiled her-mostly Magnus-and they loved her more than anything. She wasn't always easy, sometimes Alec and Magnus questioned if they were cut out to be parents, but they made it work. They tried their best and after a couple years they really got the hang of the whole thing, falling into a lovely routine with their daughter. She grew up fast. It was like if Alec just blinked it would all disappear, which was why he had about five photo albums already of her. He took pictures of everything because he didn't want to miss a thing.

Sophia may not have been biologically theirs, but you wouldn't know that if you spent a day with her. She had developed Magnus's talent for art at a young age and she and Magnus spent hours on end holed up in the studio doing art. She had adapted Alec's inability to cook, inability to match her clothing colours and his appreciation of good books. She was smart like Alec was in school, sitting at the top of her class in everything. She was as stubborn as both Alec and Magnus combined, she was witty and sarcastic like Magnus and calm and protective like Alec. And like both of them, she never gave up.

And, she loved the fact she had two dads. She never shied from telling people even when Alec and Magnus warned her to be careful sometimes. She was both of her Daddy's little girl and everyone knew it. She was everything Alec and Magnus could have asked for and more and sometimes they had to wonder how they got blessed with such an angel.

* * *

"And so they lived happily ever after." Magnus smiled as he closed the fairytale book, butting it on the bedside table.

"Daddy, no. Please read me another one," their daughter begged, her wide blue eyes enough to make both her fathers give in.

"No, sweetheart. That _was_ your other one. Now go to sleep. You have school in the morning."

"Please Daddy." She looked from Magnus to Alec. "Dad, please let him read me another one."

Alec smiled at his daughter from the doorway. "Tomorrow night we'll read you as many as you like, okay? But tonight you need to get your sleep."

Sophia sunk down into the pillows defeated, sticking out her lip in an action reminiscent of Magnus when he didn't get what he wanted. "Fine."

Alec crossed over to Sophia's bed, leaning down to give her a kiss on the forehead. "Goodnight Sophia."

"Goodnight Dad."

"Goodnight sweetheart. I love you forever and ever to the moon and back," said Magnus.

"And even further," she stretched out her arms as far as she could, smiling.

He kissed her on the forehead after they shared the same line that was once said between him and his mother. He never knew where his mother had got it from but he had decided to carry on the tradition with Sophia. And Sophia had even added her own part to the saying which warmed Magnus' heart every time. Magnus flipped off the bedside light as he stood up. He smiled at Alec on the other side of the bed as they watched their daughter's eyes slip shut in sleep. They both crossed over to the doorway, taking one last look at Sophia before closing the door behind them, leaving a small slit open between the door and the jam. They quietly walked across the hallway into their own bedroom, shutting the door behind them. They got into their bed which still had canary yellow sheets. Originally Alec wasn't so sure he'd get used to them, but they had grown on him in university and now it was just the colour they bought.

They pulled the covers over themselves, automatically moving to the centre of the bed where they faced each other. Magnus slipped his arm around Alec's waist, holding him close.

"She's growing up so quickly," said Alec.

"Before we know it she'll be dating," said Magnus with a smile.

"Don't say that. I don't think I can deal with that yet."

Magnus laughed. "_We'll _deal with it when we get there. For now, let's just think about not messing up the costume for the school play this time, huh?" he joked.

Alec pushed at Magnus playfully. "I did not mean to sew the outfit shut so she couldn't get into it. I told you from the beginning that wasn't my kind of thing."

Magnus just smiled. "Why don't you focus on helping her learn her lines and I'll do the costume? Sound like a plan?"

"Sounds fantastic."

Silence fell between them as they just looked at each other. They tended to do this, to fall into breaks in their conversation where they didn't need to say anything. They just laid there and enjoyed each other's presence, lost in one another.

It was Magnus who broke the silence.

"I remember the days when we used to stay up like this and I used to tell you what I loved about every piece of your body while I kissed it, and now we're discussing our daughter's costume for a school play."

"Funny how fast things change, huh?"

"They don't have to." Magnus raised a seductive eyebrow that had Alec's heart beating faster. He leaned forward, capturing Alec's lips with his. Alec moaned against Magnus, pulling him closer. Magnus pushed against Alec, taking him in. No matter how many years went by, he didn't fail to lose himself in these moments. Every kiss was like the first, sending Magnus's heart into a whirlwind. There was nothing he loved more than being in Alec's arms. It had become the only place in his life that was simply perfect. When things went wrong in his life he could always come home to Alec and he knew that everything would work out. Sometimes they did fight and he questioned if they'd talk the next morning, but each time, they did. They talked it through and they got over their fight because that's what couples did. They fought but they loved each other, and Alec and Magnus loved each other in a way that was very rare. In today's world people are so caught up in the material aspects and think that that's what's important in life, but Alec and Magnus learned together that in the end, they only would ever need each other and Sophia. They had the world in each other's arms and everyday parts of Magnus questioned if it had all been a dream. But everyday he learned that it wasn't and each day became more beautiful than the last.

With Alec, Magnus felt wanted. Special. With him, he felt like he was truly and honestly loved. He wasn't scared anymore. He wasn't broken. He wasn't anything that he had once been. Because in Alec's arms, he was loved. Alec had taught him how to love, how to open his heart and feel again. Alec had taught him that if one thing was true about love, it was that you can't hide from it and run. He taught him that you've got to take a step even if you might fall, because taking a chance is better than standing still.

He taught him that love doesn't wait. Love doesn't tell you when it's coming and it won't expect to be welcomed with open arms. Love won't be quiet. Love won't be loud. It won't be understood yet you'll know everything. Sometimes love's ugly. Sometimes it's the most beautiful thing in the world. Sometimes love is peaceful. Sometimes it's destructive. Sometimes you wish it would go away and other times you wish it was all you had. Love is the biggest contradiction that ever existed. Love's your life line. Love's your death. Love is everything and nothing.

Love is life.

Love is unstoppable.

_I love you Alec, forever and ever, from the moon and back._

_That's so corny._

_It's true. Forever Alec. It'll be true forever._

_Are you sure?_

_Have I ever broken a promise to you?_

_No._

_Then there you go._

_Forever's a long time._

_As long as I'm with you, forever will never be long enough._

* * *

Thank you everybody for reading this and sticking with me. I couldn't have done it without each of you.

But I have heard that a lot of people are getting their work taken down my FanFiction because it's innopropriate material. Seeing at this story and everything I plan on writing afterwards has adult material, it would seem that they'll take this down and anything after. So, now that Unstoppable is done, I've decided that anything I post afterwards I'm going to put on tumblr and on livejournal. You can find me on tumblr at viva-la-vie-boheme .tumblr .com (make sure to take out the spaces) and on livejournal as xxlifeinwordsxx.

Again, thank you all of you for reading and being amazing. I love you all.

Be the change,  
Amber


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